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Own
Conclusions
i
by Dick Emmons
'm a simple sort of fellow. I don't ask much of life
just three square meals a day, a nice house in the
suburbs, a beautiful wife who won't spend a nickel
without my permission, a solid, not-too-difficult job,
and the privilege of reading novels all the way through
without being told how they end.
With about four exceptions, I have achieved all these
goals; but the most elusive is the last. I am surrounded
by friends who've already read the novels I read.
For ugly instance, take George Baker. George is the
kind of guy you hate to borrow books from because be
fore you can get the book home you know the whole
plot and don't have to read it.
Just the other Saturday, George returned a plastic
golf practice ball I had hit from my yard into his, clip
ping him on the forehead, while he was lying in his
hammock reading.
"What's that you're reading?" I asked, eager to switch
the subject away from plastic golf balls.
"This? New novel," George said, his lending instincts
rising rapidly. "I just finished it. Like to borrow it?"
"Well, I don't"
"It's a dandy," George said. "This strawberry blonde,
see, falls off a luxury liner and this guy in the black
Homburg, who used to be an Olympic diver but who is
now secretly employed by the FBI, jumps in after her."
"George, I don't think it's the sort of"
"Take it. Guarantee you'll love it."
"Well, okay, but"
"Before you know it, they lower a lifeboat and guess
who's in it?"
Rumpelstiltskin? I wanted to ask. "Who?" I said.
"A guy named Virgo, a known gem thief who the
diver has been surreptitiously watching. Well, one
thing leads to another "
"My wretched golf swing is leading me back for more
practice," I chuckled, trying to ease away.
" and pretty soon they're on an island together the
diver, the blonde, and the gem thief."
"Listen, if I'm going to read the book, don't, for good
ness sake, tell me the rest of the plot," I begged.
Nothing stops George, though. In five minutes I knew
the whole story, including the end. .
Besides Plot Revealers, I am also a favorite target for
Movie Whisperers. The main trouble-causer here is my
wife, who simply loves to see the same movies twice.
The second time is always with me, somehow.
"Watch now," she said in a loud whisper the last time
we were in a theater, "he's going to kiss her!" He
kissed her. "Now her husband is going to walk in on
them!" Her husband walked in on them.
"You know what's going to happen next?" I hissed
back at her. "I'm going to find a seat someplace else."
"Good!" said a voice behind us.
I didn't like the picture very much anyway, so we
went home soon. My wife was silent all the way. "Look,
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," I explained, auto
matically flipping on the TV. "It's just that, once in a
while, I'd like to finish something myself without "
"Why they're showing 'Lilacs in the Spring." I remem
ber seeing that way back in high school. There's this
girl from the swank Eastern college, played by Sheila
Volupta, and she falls for this chemistry instructor. See,
there they are. Now, in just a moment, she's going to
tiptoe out of her dormitory and "
Just as Sheila Volupta tiptoed out of her dormitory,
I tiptoed back to mine.-
fUtt.
"We can't keep him up much longer.
at do you suppose is keeping them?"
20
Family Weekly, February S, 1959
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