g k.h... ..ill. iiv-n-M ifiiM'frMw:fLuMLil.-i-iI i. n .... iii niir'-'-'-
Some neurotics transfer old resentments against authority of their father to their boss. I
IHIow
How to Recognize a Neurotic
How do you recognize a neurotic person? Some
of the main symptoms are these:
Indecision, doubt, and conflict Neurotics are
afraid to make a mistake or to fail at anything, so
they waver, refuse to make decisions or take full
responsibility for anything.
Fear and anxiety. Almost all neurotics are irra
tionally afraid of something, essentially of not hav
ing the love and approval of others; but this fear
is often translated into phobias like fear of crowds,
closed or open spaces, or many other everyday
experiences.
Inadequacy feelings. Emotionally disturbed people
usually feel inadequate, worthless, or wicked. They
think it is wrong for them to have any failings and
8
Family Weekly, August 17, 19SS
"ICO U
are constantly blaming themselves for personal
shortcomings, real or imagined.
Hostility and aggression. Neurotics hate them
selves, so they tend to hate others. Frustration, born
of the belief that they are not liked, turns into ag
gression against those who presumably dislike them.
Ingratiation. In an effort to win love and approval
many troubled people curry favor with others at the
expense of their own self-respect. After abasing
themselves they hate themselves even more and feel
greater insecurity and rejection.
Self-deceit and lack of realism. Neurotics refuse
to face reality, tending to rationalize, evade issues
and blame others for their own failures. '
Rigidity and compulsivencss. Feeling unsafe,
jIUV9
neurotics often devise magical rituals such as go
through a studied routine at bedtime, which , ffl
them a feeling that some power will protect then,
they stick to their formulas. Other common ritu
are counting steps, repeatedly wasnms
changing clothes.
ci j .lj i i3i:iinrf fhev may
the wrong thing and that others will discoV,er
mistake, many neurotics become shy and wi
drawn, retreating into various kinds ot soiuuu-.
Psychosomatic symptoms and hypochondria. Eri
tionally disturbed persons often worry themse
inn ,;An u.. i iLi. miicrlps and nerv
systems in a continual state of tension and ex i
ment, creating symptoms for which no Docm
can be found. When they do become ill, they P
long it as an excuse for their emotional ui-
' Photo bv Mort Shapiro
One of the questions I am most often asked is
what percentage of people in our society I
consider neurotic. I usually reply, "Roughly
100 percent."
This is not too much of an exaggeration, since
technically anyone is neurotic who falls short of his
potentialities, suffers needless anxieties, and be
haves in an overly emotional manner. A more prac
tical estimate, however, would be that 20 to 30 per
cent of our people are disturbed enough to be a
problem to themselves and those around them.
Do you have to live, work, or associate with a
neurotic? If so, you can ease the strain in two ways
by understanding and helping him; or, if he is
hopeless, by accepting him as he is and adjusting
your own attitude toward him.
Few neurotics are willing to seek professional help
indeed, they resent being labeled neurotic. Since
neurosis is probably here to stay, you might as well
deal with it realistically. Assuming that you are not
too disturbed yourself, you can learn to live with a
troubled individual by applying a few techniques.
First, what is a neurotic? Essentially, a neurotic
is a person with an emotional impairment in one or
more areas of daily living which prevents him from
realizing his full potential. He is one who is more
unhappy, inefficient, or jearjul than he needs to be.
Many neurotics are talented and intelligent. Yet
they are so ineffective or disruptive in their be
havior that they often get into serious difficulties.
The thing that comes between the neurotic's po
tential abilities and his actual achievement is his
neurosis. He may have the unrealistic assumption,
for example, that he must get everyone's approval
or that he should never be frustrated or that it is
disgraceful if he fails at something he wants to do.
He then hates himself for not being as nearly perfect
as he thinks he should be and experiences such self
harming emotions as unreasonable anger, needless
guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and depression.
He may consciously experience these destructive
emotions, or set up unconscious defenses against
them in the form of rationalization, self-deceit, com
pensation, evasiveness, psychosomatic complaints,
alcoholism, anti-social behavior, or drug addiction.
The pattern, then, is that as a result of irrational be
liefs the neurotic blames himself, behaves badly,
Here is common-sense advice from
Alcoholism and drug addiction. These two aids to
the temporary reduction of anxiety boomerang on
their users, since they create new problems lead
ing to a need for still-larger doses. The user ob
tains no real increase in self-confidence knowing
that, without their aid, he cannot do the things he
fears. Indeed, having to use these methods of re
lease makes him hate himself even more.
Self-centeredness and inability to love. Though
they need an inordinate amount of love themselves,
neurotics are so preoccupied with their own needs
that they have little true emotion left to give an
other person.
Almost all of us will recognize in ourselves fleet
ing behavior patterns like these, but the neurotic
persists in these patterns to the point where they
dominate his behavior.
blames himself even more for his bad behavior, and
thus plunges deeper into neurosis.
Why do neurotics, get that way? One reason is
that our training of children is torn between contra
dictory principles. We want the child to "adjust"
and "conform" in order to be accepted and popular,
but at the same time we want him to develop an
individual personality. We want him to be aggres
sive in the struggle for survival, and at the same
time we preach humility, courtesy, and respect for
others. These opposing ideologies sow the seed for
many a neurosis.
I he first step in coping with a neurotic is to ac
' cept fully the fact that he is emotionally
disturbed and is going to behave that way. He
will often be hostile, ungrateful, illogical, or just
plain irritating. But don't respond as if his actions
were directed against you personally. Above all,
don't criticize.
This will not be easy, but remember that the
neurotic is constantly blaming himself anyway.
Usually he has received too much criticsm and
harshness in childhood.
Our opinion of ourselves is formed largely by the
opinion of those around us. By changing your atti
tude of criticism and condemnation, you can make
him feel that he is a worthwhile, capable person and
that his occasional failures are not important
Giving a neurotic warmth and support often
works wonders. Consider the case of Frank, a stu
dent who had an exceptionally neurotic, insecure
wife. Every time Frank sat down to study she be
came jealous and tried to distract him. A quarrel
ensued which consumed most of the evening and the
school work remained undone.
At my suggestion Frank tried a new approach.
Before beginning his work, he was exceptionally
attentive to his wife, told her of his problems with
certain subjects and professors, and asked her ad
vice. Soon she was typing for him, reading to him
when he was fatigued, and cooperating in every way
to further his education.
You can often give a neurotic insight to the
reasons for his disturbances, but this must be done
with caution. A therapist might say to a patient:
"You say your boss is inconsiderate and that's why
you resent him, but could there be something else
that bothers you?' Your boss is an authority figure,
an expert on how to recognize and
Dr. Albert Ellis is a
psychologist and marriage
counselor whose theories
on how to cope with
neurotics have attracted
Twtion-ujide attention.
Dr. Ellis has served as
clinical psychologist at
the New Jersey State
Hospital at Greystone
Park; as instructor in
psychology at Rutgers
and New York Universities;
as chief psyclwlogist
of the New Jersey State
Diagnostic Center
and of the New Jersey
Department of Institutions
and Agencies.
just as your father was when you were a child.
Could you be transferring some of this old resent
ment to your boss?"
A word of warning do not try to cure your
friends or relatives who are exceptionally depressed,
agitated, or behaving strangely. They may require
professional attention.
Also, in dealing with a neurotic, be both kind
and firm. Don't let him take advantage of you. If
he does something wrong, be forgiving, but don't
take away his entire sense of wrongdoing.
Understanding others is often the path toward
greater self -understanding. A young wife,
Julia, was having trouble with her mother-in-law,
who persisted in telling her how to run
her home, children, and husband. Having escaped
from a domineering mother of her own, Julia was in
no mood to accept another overseer.
In talking this problem over with me she began
to realize her mother-in-law was an extremely dis
turbed woman who could not make decisions in her
own life for fear of making a mistake. As a substi
tute she told other people how to run their lives.
As a result of my talks with her, Julia's anger
vanished and she tried to give her mother-in-law a
feeling of worth and security. Also, somewhere dur
ing this process Julia realized that she often criti
cized and bullied her own daughter. Thus she gained
insight on her own neurotic tendencies.
Julia's story illustrates the point that even if an
individual is not too disturbed, one of the best
things he can do to help a neurotic relative or friend
is to have some professional counseling himself. The
aims of psychotherapy are not only to help people
overcome serious disturbances, but to show reason
ably non-disturbed individuals how to achieve their
own maximum potential.
The unconscious thoughts and emotions which
cause neurosis are hard to get at by oneself. But
with the help of a trained psychotherapist they can
be ferreted out. If a person has neurotic tendencies,
he should try to understand and overcome them. If
he cannot cope with them himself, the intelligent
course is to admit it and seek professional help.
A neurotic will often identify with and imitate a
strong, stable personality. If you behave in a calm,
logical, mature manner in the face of problems, he
will have confidence in you and your opinions.
cope with an all-too-common disturbance.
by Dr. Albert Ellis
with Lillian Pompian
Family Weekly, August 17, 195 9