OPINION
A4 HERMISTONHERALD.COM
SATURDAY, JUNE 20, 2015
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COMMENTARY • LETTERS
HermistonHerald
VOLUME 109 ɿ NUMBER 38
-(66,&$.(//(5
EDITOR
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newsprint
Googling the Fountain of Youth
My stealth
R
campaign for
president
Y
ou probably have not
heard a peep about
my campaign for
the Republican presidential
nomination. All the attention
lately has been focused on
Lindsey Graham explaining
why he’s single, Jeb Bush
avoiding his family and
Donald Trump telling us
all how lucky we are that
he is running for president.
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attention they get, the better I
look in anonymity.
So far, my plan is working
perfectly. If I can remain
largely unknown throughout
the primary season, the
nomination is as good as
won. The Republican Party
used to brag that it was a
big tent. After the last two
weeks, the GOP has become
a circus tent, and no one likes
cleaning up after elephants.
How unpopular are the
Republicans running for
President? According to
Google consumer surveys
and reputable opinion polls,
Voldemort — the villain
from the Harry Potter novels
— is viewed more favorably
by Americans than Bush
and Trump as well as Mike
Huckabee, Ted Cruz, Rick
Santorum and Chris Christie.
You’d think the most
notable thing about Graham
is that he thinks the problem
with America is that we
aren’t at war with enough
countries. Told that most
Americans lack his fervor for
more war, he replied, “Well,
don’t vote for me.” Given his
single-digit standings in the
polls, most Republicans are
doing exactly that, but it’s for
a different reason.
It’s because he’s a
FRQ¿UPHGEDFKHORURU
as Sen. Mark Kirk of
Illinois was caught saying
recently, a “bro with no ho.”
Apparently this is a problem
the Founding Fathers did
not anticipate, but Graham
is a man with a plan, at least
when it comes to not having
a First Lady.
“Well, I’ve got a sister.
She could play that role if
necessary,” Graham said. “I’ve
got a lot of friends. We’ll have
DURWDWLQJ¿UVWODG\´
So far, people don’t seem
all that excited about his plan.
He should stick to fantasizing
about another land war in Iraq.
It’s hard to recapture the
majesty of America when
Republicans are teasing
a United States Senator
because he doesn’t have
a girlfriend. But maybe
Americans are easily
bamboozled. That’s the
thinking behind Bush’s
— I’m sorry, Jeb!’s —
campaign to make everyone
forget the time we elected his
brother. Twice.
Sure, Jeb! — musn’t
mention the last name, now
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&DJOHFROXPQLVW
— agrees with his Brother-
Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
on high-stakes standardized
testing, privatizing Social
Security, the Middle East and
a host of other vital issues
of the day on which his
brother’s coterie of experts
advise him. Jeb!, though
loyal to his unnamed relation,
is his own man. We know
this because not only did he
say, “I’m my own man,” but
he put an exclamation point
EHKLQGKLV¿UVWQDPHLQWKH
logo: Jeb!
Snappy punctuation might
not be enough for Jeb! On
the day he announced for
president, Jeb! was more
disliked than liked among
Republicans. Ironically, polls
now show that his brother is
far more popular than Jeb! is.
Trump is a man for
whom punctuation for
HPSKDVLVLVVXSHUÀXRXV
His announcement covered
myriad subjects under the
Republican sun but made
only one point: Trump is
awesome. It would be easy
to disregard Trump as a
frivolous exercise in ego
DPSOL¿FDWLRQLIQRWIRUWKH
fact that at one point in 2012
he was the front-runner for
the nomination I now seek.
But having worn out his
welcome, he is the least liked
person running for president,
though Trump is still more
popular than Congress.
To be fair, Americans
aren’t making golden calves
in the images of the other
candidates of either party.
While viewed much less
unfavorably than the other
candidates, the Democrats
running for president —
as well as Rand Paul and
Marco Rubio — are still less
popular than Darth Vader and
the shark from Jaws. I am not
making this up.
To know the Republicans
running for president is to
loathe them. That’s why I
steadfastly avoid not only
campaigning but refuse to
serve if elected. Debates?
Don’t need ’em, don’t want
’em. Speeches? Not gonna
do it. TV ads? I’d rather
watch baseball. The less I do,
the better I’m doing.
America, I think this can
work.
— © Copyright 2015 Jason
Stanford, distributed exclusive-
ly by Cagle Cartoons newspa-
per syndicate. Jason Stanford
is a regular contributor to the
Austin American-Statesman,
a Democratic consultant and
a Truman National Security
Project partner. You can email
him at stanford@oppresearch.
com and follow him on Twitter
@JasStanford
ich people with
too much time
and money on
their hands often seem to
get bored with the hum
and drum of their gold-
filigreed existences. In
response they turn to
egalitarian enterprises,
such as feudal kings
commissioning
alchemists to turn
base metals into gold,
because a lot of stuff
back then needed to be
filigreed.
Today’s Billionaire
Princes of Silicon
Valley don’t care so
much for filigree as
they’ve already figured
out how to turn base
metal into gold. So
they’ve taken to funding
molecular biologists and
biogerontologists, our
modern day alchemists,
to conduct experiments
to seek out an elixir of
life. A liquid or pill that
will restore youth and
grant longevity. After
all, what good is being
rich, if you can’t live
forever?
Of course,
immortality is a relative
thing. Compared to our
ancestors we already
live to be antiques.
Wasn’t long ago, folks
just up and died. At 35.
Of old age. Or were
victims of accidents
involving livestock.
Not to mention plagues,
pitchforks and blue
meat. Or the village
would band together
and get rid of you for
:,//'8567
RAGING MODERATE
&DJOHFROXPQLVW
the “greater good.” Of
course, back then, like
today, the “greater good”
was always a sort of a
fluid measurement.
It didn’t help that
the villagers were
notoriously twitchy
back in the Dark Ages.
With vivid imaginations.
Look at all they derived
from gazing at the
stars. “Seriously, you
got Gemini the Twins
from nine points of
light? It’s not even
an even number.
They’re supposed to
be twins. Shouldn’t
it be symmetrical?
Oh, fraternal twins.
You know what I get
from that same set of
stars? A spigot full of
dachshunds. See the
floppy ears? Lip of the
nozzle? 3rd sign of the
Zodiac should be Dog
Spout.”
Most modern diseases
existed during olden
timey days. Just badly
diagnosed. This was
when every medical
treatment boiled down to
two possibilities — put
leeches on it or stake
through the heart. That
was it. One or the other.
Medieval doctors only
carried two things in
their bags — leeches and
stakes.
Suffering from
epilepsy? Possessed by
the devil. Stake through
the heart. Dissociative
Identity Disorder?
Possessed by the devil.
Stake through the heart.
Bipolar? Parkinsons?
Alzheimer’s? You
guessed it. Not leeches.
Even something as
simple as allergies. “He
sneezes fealty to the
devil. Stake through the
Fact is: The government has
given up on funding research.
And it’s only because of the
Google Gods that a lot of the
maladies that confound us today
are just a couple of research
projects away from being
identified and eradicated.
heart.” “Whoa. Whoa.
Dude. It’s spring. Lot
of pollen in the air.
Could we at least try the
leeches?”
You can understand
why people tried to be as
conventional as possible.
Nobody wanted to be
known for anything out
of the ordinary. People
got stakes through the
heart because their
tomatoes grew too
big. And if you had a
birthmark in the shape
of a trident, forget about
it. “No. No. No. That’s
not a trident, it’s a spigot
full of dachshunds.
Look, look, see the
nozzle?”
Fact is: The
government has given
up on funding research.
And it’s only because of
the Google Gods that a
lot of the maladies that
confound us today are
just a couple of research
projects away from
being identified and
eradicated. Forty years
in the future, Siri from
Apple Health is going
to sound like Bones
from Star Trek. “Can
you believe these idiots?
Using radiation on live
human tissue? The
barbarians.”
— Copyright © 2015,
Will Durst, distributed
by the Cagle Cartoons
Inc. syndicate. Will
Durst is an award-win-
ning, nationally ac-
claimed comic. Email
Will at durst@caglecar-
toons.com
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Don’t let your pet roam
with a pack
Friday, June 12, about 5:30
p.m., dogs that had come from
somewhere south of Alleluia Ave-
nue, swam the river onto the small
island that is a deer refuge, near
my back yard, and tore to pieces a
4-day old fawn.
Your dogs may be benign and
friendly and thought not to be de-
structive, but when they “pack”
they become ferocious hunters/
killers, harkening back to their an-
cient ancestry.
This isn’t the first time they’ve
crossed the river and hunted prey.
I understand the accidental es-
cape your pets undertake at times,
but please do not indiscriminately
set them free for a little exercise,
to dump and cause mayhem near
and in our yards.
JANET BOYD
HERMISTON
Herald change is a bad
idea for seniors
I think your plan to change the
Hermiston Herald to a once-a-week
publication is a very poor idea. Do
you realize how many people can-
not afford having a computer? There
are many, many senior citizens who
have never learned to use the things.
So, you are excluding this whole sec-
tor of readers.
I only take the paper because I
like reading the local news, espe-
cially about this end of the county
(which the Pendleton paper seems
to have forgotten existed). I also
OLNH JHWWLQJ WKH ÀLHUV IURP WKH OR
cal stores. I am a coupon-clipper
(something we seniors have to do to
make ends meet).
Of course you and your gener-
ation grew up on the computer, so
you think everyone has one. You
would probably be surprised at
how many do not have the things
in the house and, furthermore, do
not care. We got along in the world
for hundreds of years without
computers or cellphones and do
not consider them vitally essential
to living.
I regret seeing the newspapers
deteriorate, but they certainly are.
When my subscription comes up for
renewal I am canceling.
CONNIE FISHER
ECHO
ELECTED OFFICIALS
STATE
District 29: Sen. Bill Hansell,
R-Umatilla Co., 900 Court St. N.E.,
S-423, Salem, OR 97301, 503-986-
1729. 101 S.W. Third St., Pendleton,
OR 97801 (541) 278-1396. E-mail:
ssen.billhansell@state.or.us.
District 30: Sen. Ted Ferrio-
li, R-John Day; 900 Court St. N.E.,
S-223 Salem, OR 97301, 503-986-
1950. 750 W. Main, John Day, OR
97845, (541) 575-2321. E-mail: ferr-
ioli.sen@state.or.us.
District 58: Rep. Greg Barreto,
R-Pendleton; 900 Court St. N.E.,
H-480, Salem, OR 97301, 503-986-
1458. E-mail: rep.gregbarrento@
state.or.us. Website: http://www.ore-
gonlegislature.gov/barreto
District 57: Rep. Greg Smith,
R-Morrow, 900 Court St. N.E.,
H-280, Salem, OR 97301, 503-986-
1457. P.O. Box 215, Heppner, OR
97836, (541) 676-5154. E-mail:
smith.g.rep@state.or.us.
FEDERAL
U.S. Sen. Ron Wyden
Sac Annex Building, 105 Fir St.,
No. 201, La Grande, OR 97850;
(541) 962-7691. E-mail: kath-
leen_cathey@wyden.senate.gov;
(Kathleen Cathey, community repre-
sentative); 717 Hart Building, Wash-
ington, D.C. 20510, (202) 224-5244.
U.S. Sen. Jeff Merkley
One World Trade Center, 121 SW
Salmon Street, Suite 1250, Portland,
OR 97204; (503) 326-3386; Dirksen
6HQDWH 2I¿FH %XLOGLQJ 6'%%
Washington, D.C. 20510. (202) 224-
3753.
U.S. Rep. Greg Walden (2nd
District)
843 E. Main St., Suite 400, Med-
ford, OR 97504, (541) 776-4646,
(800) 533-3303; 2352 Rayburn
+RXVH2I¿FH%XLOGLQJ:DVKLQJWRQ
D.C. 20515, (202) 225-6730