OPINION
A4 HERMISTONHERALD.COM
SATURDAY, JUNE 6, 2015
EDITORIAL • COMMENTARY • LETTERS
HermistonHerald
VOLUME 109 ɿ NUMBER 34
-(66,&$.(//(5
EDITOR
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JEANNE JEWETT
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newsprint
My presidential
campaign
T
oday I am announcing
my candidacy for the
Republican Party’s
nomination for President
of the United States of
America. You might
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I — a Democrat — would
be an odd choice to lead
the Republican ticket. To
these naysayers, I counter
that, by adding me to the
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have enough candidates to
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teams. This way, Bobby
Jindal gets to play, too.
If elected, I promise to
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the New York Yankees on
the list of Foreign Terrorist
Organizations and then
promptly resign. My short
list for Vice President so far
includes Orioles manager
Buck Showalter, Costco
CEO W. Craig Jenilek and
Joe Biden, any of whom
would lead this country
with far more experience,
wisdom and humor than
I or, for that matter,
any of the other current
Republican candidates.
My shortcomings
are legion. I have little
experience relevant to this
job that I do not intend to
do, and I’m willing to put
forth no effort at any point
during this campaign.
But with George Pataki
entering the race, I realized
that I, too, am a largely
unknown heterosexual
white man in America.
Even Bob Ehrlich is
thinking about getting in. If
they can, why not I?
I know what you’re
thinking. “Who the heck
are those guys?” That’s my
strategy. I’m going to put
on a gray suit and a red tie
and slip in behind these
guys. I’m a middle-aged
white guy with short hair.
I’ll blend into the crowd
of candidates long enough
for voters to get sick of
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take two months until I’m
the frontrunner.
Sure, the primary
process will be hard for a
liberal Democrat. A sober-
minded politician would
shudder at the staggering
impossibility of winning
over the torch-and-pitchfork
crowd that controls the
primary process, but not
being sober is something
that will separate me from
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My opponents will
inevitably bring up
my history of causing
Republicans to lose
elections. Ask yourself, my
fellow Americans, whether
this is any different than my
friends Rick Santorum and
Ehrlich, both of whom got
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their own.
In my more lucid
moments I plan to make
the case that there’s
nothing wrong with the
Republican Party that not
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In fact, it’s my Democratic
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back the White House
for Republicans. Shifting
demographics, ideologies
and generations are slowly
putting the GOP out to
pasture. But instead of
broadening its appeal, the
Republicans have made
their party so small and
pure that it can’t win back
the White House.
That’s where I can help.
I already don’t agree with
most of the stuff they stand
for. I represent the voters
they need to win over.
But that’s just a process
argument that the pundits
can recite on the Sunday
morning gab fests to sound
smart. What’s really going
to get me elected is an
anti-government stance
that will unite this country:
Everyone should get to
punch their member of
Congress in the nose.
See? Now you want to
vote for me, don’t you?
Obviously, there
would be restrictions: The
privilege to sock one’s
elected representative in the
kisser would be limited to
people who actually voted
in every single election
from president down to
Inspector of Hides. And you
only get to do it once every
two years. This would
inevitably increase voting
participation and encourage
Americans to read the
newspapers.
And while punching
politicians might be cruel,
it could serve as a deterrent
to doing the wrongheaded
things that have made
Congress less popular in
opinion polls than North
Korea, cockroaches and
lice. True, you’d never get
another smart person to run
for Congress ever again, but
in most cases no one would
notice a difference.
In conclusion, I promise
never to disgrace the
Republican Party by acting
like a real Republican.
All the GOP needs to do
to win the White House
is to nominate a liberal
Democrat. Vote for me, and
you get to punch Congress
in the nose.
I’d better start working
on my victory speech.
— © Copyright 2015
Jason Stanford, distributed
exclusively by Cagle Car-
toons newspaper syndicate.
Jason Stanford is a regular
contributor to the Austin
American-Statesman, a
Democratic consultant and
a Truman National Security
Project partner. You can
email him at stanford@
oppresearch.com and
follow him on Twitter @
JasStanford
Magna Carta: The 800th anniversary
“
Magna Carta?
Wasn’t that the show
Tom Selleck was on
before ‘Blue Bloods’?”
*Sigh* In fact,
Magna Carta (Latin
for “Great Charter”)
is one of the most
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in history, drafted by
the Archbishop of
Canterbury to make
peace between King John
of England (infamous
from the Robin Hood
legends) and a group of
rebel barons.
The provisions of
the charter were agreed
to on June 15, 1215 at
Runnymede — meaning
Magna Carta will soon
be celebrating its 800th
birthday.
Too bad modern media
didn’t exist to record the
goings on. The warring
factions would have
made for great pay-per-
view. (“Putting the feud
into feudal!!!”)
Of course one of the
claims to fame of Magna
Carta was that it was the
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stating that a king had
to follow the laws of
the land. (Previous
INFORMAL documents
included, “Y’all ought
not be doin’ that kind’a
stuff. What would your
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TYRADES!
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momma think, bless her
heart?”)
Yes, Magna Carta
declared unabashedly
that the KING is not
above the law. You’ll
find that as Number
7 in Barack Obama’s
book “10 Reasons
Why I Wanted To Be
PRESIDENT.”
If you think of
Magna Carta at all,
you probably think it
has a long unbroken
history. In fact, both
sides violated it almost
immediately, modified
versions were issued in
1216, 1225 and 1297
(let’s not even get into
the XP, Vista and Magna
Carta 8 versions) and
only three of the 63
clauses still remain in
English statute law.
In fact, Pope
Innocent III annulled
the whole thing almost
immediately, declaring
that King John signed
it under duress. (“If
you don’t stop making
people do things under
DURESS, I’ve saved a
special corner of hell for
you, where you will wail
and gnash your teeth for
all eternity .... what are
you rolling your eyes
about?”)
Technically, John did
not sign Magna Carta,
instead affixing the royal
seal (as was the custom).
Historians did, however,
find one copy wherein
John tried to have the
last word by inserting a
handwritten “I’m rubber
and you’re glue...”
We now take the
provisions of Magna
Carta (such as trial by
jury and due process of
law) for granted, but
they were not originally
intended for the common
people. The barons
were just looking out
for themselves. In fact,
one of the clauses in
Magna Carta was that
if the Crusades were
successful, the Holy
Land would be renamed
One-Percenter Land.
Magna Carta had a
tremendous impact on
the U.S. Constitution
and Bill of Rights, the
French Revolution and
our current foreign
aid and immigration
policies. (No, wait —
the latter two didn’t
come from the Great
Charter. They were
devised under the
influence of OLD
Charter.)
Amazingly, after
all these centuries,
four of the 13 original
copies of Magna Carta
are still known to be
in existence. Another
four copies met a sad
fate. Cheech and Chong
bought them early in
their careers and the
vellum looked soooo
much like ZigZag papers
in the dim light...
The British Library
is conducting grand
ceremonies for the
anniversary. A mock trial
for the barons is being
held July 31.
I wonder what the
original participants
would say if they could
see us now? (“Y’all, we
never said nothin’ about
a guaranteed right to
drive on the wrong side
of the road! What would
your mommas think,
bless their hearts?”)
— ©2015 Danny
Tyree. Danny welcomes
email responses at
tyreetyrades@aol.com
and visits to his Face-
book fan page “Tyree’s
Tyrades.” Danny’s week-
ly column is distributed
exclusively by Cagle
Cartoons Inc. newspaper
syndicate
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
Fire¿ ghters, 1avy deserve
thanks
Editor,
About the recent fire in Board-
man, I read all about the hard
work that went into containing
and then extinguishing the fire.
The bravery that these people
have every day is something that
should be honored more often,
and the article was a good start
to thanking these brave people,
but at the same time I was sad to
see how little was said about the
Navy’s involvement. The Board-
man Bombing Range continued
to fight that fire after all the de-
partments left. I personally think
that there should be some sort of
article thanking the few men out
there for continuing to fight and
extinguish the fire.
These men serve our country
and are helping to protect our
homes and farms as well. So let’s
give them the thanks they deserve
too. Thank you.
KATIE VEACH
HERMISTON
THANK YOU
Pregnancy Care Services
thanks supporters
Editor,
Pregnancy
Care
Services
would like to recognize the lo-
cal businesses of Hermiston and
Pendleton for their generous con-
tributions making our 2015 Walk/
Run for Life and Mayfest a suc-
cess. Over 100 people came out
to participate in these events and
collected over $5,550 to help us
continue offering life-affirm-
ing services to our communi-
ties. Thank you for being differ-
ence-makers!
Abby’s Legendary Pizza, Bar-
hyte Specialty Goods, Big John’s
Hometown Pizza, Buckin’ Bean
Coffee Roasters, DG Gifts, Di-
ana’s GF Bakery, Dickey’s Barbe-
cue Pit, Double J Drive Thru, Dr.
Neal, Eden’s Kitchen, Grocery
Outlet, Les Schwab Tire Center,
ISU-The Stratton Agency, Pediat-
ric Specialists, Pendleton Art and
Frame, Pendleton Dairy Queen,
Pepsi, Perfect Nails, Round-
up Athletic Club, Short Stop,
Sorbenots Coffee, St. Anthony
Hospital, Starbucks, Sunshine
Gourmet Shoppe, Thimbles Fab-
ric-N-More, Wal-Mart, Western
Auto, Fiesta Foods, Greg’s Sleep
Center, Desert Lanes, Dominos,
Pizza Hut, Yo Country Frozen
Yogurt, 60-Minute Photo, USA
Subs, Ace Hardware, Hermiston
Drug and Rolerink.
DEBBIE CISSNA, DIRECTOR
PREGNANCY CARE SERVICES
ELECTED OFFICIALS
STATE
District 29: Sen. Bill Hansell,
R-Umatilla Co., 900 Court St.
N.E., S-423, Salem, OR 97301,
503-986-1729. 101 S.W. Third St.,
Pendleton, OR 97801 (541) 278-
1396. E-mail: ssen.billhansell@
state.or.us.
District 30: Sen. Ted Ferrioli,
R-John Day; 900 Court St. N.E.,
S-223 Salem, OR 97301, 503-986-
1950. 750 W. Main, John Day, OR
97845, (541) 575-2321. E-mail:
ferrioli.sen@state.or.us.
District 58: Rep. Greg Bar-
reto, R-Pendleton; 900 Court St.
N.E., H-480, Salem, OR 97301,
503-986-1458. E-mail: rep.greg-
barrento@state.or.us.
Website:
http://www.oregonlegislature.gov/
barreto
District 57: Rep. Greg Smith,
R-Morrow, 900 Court St. N.E.,
H-280, Salem, OR 97301, 503-
986-1457. P.O. Box 215, Heppner,
OR 97836, (541) 676-5154. E-mail:
smith.g.rep@state.or.us.
FEDERAL
U.S. Sen. Ron Wyden
Sac Annex Building, 105 Fir St.,
No. 201, La Grande, OR 97850;
(541) 962-7691. E-mail: kath-
leen_cathey@wyden.senate.gov;
(Kathleen Cathey, community rep-
resentative); 717 Hart Building,
Washington, D.C. 20510, (202)
224-5244.
U.S. Sen. Jeff Merkley
One World Trade Center, 121
SW Salmon Street, Suite 1250,
Portland, OR 97204; (503) 326-
'LUNVHQ6HQDWH2I¿FH%XLOG
ing, SDB-40B, Washington, D.C.
20510. (202) 224-3753.
U.S. Rep. Greg Walden (2nd
District)
843 E. Main St., Suite 400, Med-
ford, OR 97504, (541) 776-4646,
(800) 533-3303; 2352 Rayburn
+RXVH 2I¿FH %XLOGLQJ :DVKLQJ
ton, D.C. 20515, (202) 225-6730