i lltTI'NFR (OltK.l GAZETTE-TIMES. Thumdav. Sept. 10, 1873
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Horse sense
By
ERNEST V. JOINER
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It has been a long time since anyone washed my editorial
mouth with soap for uttering a forbidden word, but a Mail
Pouch reader has done it this week. She objects to my having
called an ecology nut a son-of-a-bitch. Admittedly, the
language isn't elegant. But it is accurate. It is forceful. It
leaves nothing to the imagination. And. after all. if a person
is a son-of-a-bitch. is there another word to describe him? He
might be referred to as "The offspring of casual and
indiscriminate canine copulation." which would offend few
readers. But it could also be interpreted as a compliment by
the recipient of the slur, which would be unfortunate.
Some people like flowery prose oozing with Victorian
sweetness. Others prefer that an editorial writer call a spade
what it is. and never mind the evasions, hypocrisy and
subterfuge. I prefer the hard, direct, hard-hitting approach,
even at the expense of bruising the tender sensibilities of my
readers.
Education, of course, has nothing to do with using or not
using strong language. Probably one of the best and most
exhaustive treatises on the subject is "The Anatomy of
Swearing," by Ashley Montagu, the well-known anthropolo
gist and social biologist, who is widely published. He points
out that swearing is an art which has suffered at the hands of
generations of unimaginative practitioners. The doughty
swearers have enriched our language for centuries. The
swearers have been with us since man first began
communicating. "Swearing," Montagu writes, "is probably
coeval with the birth of language." Through the centuries,
only the self-styled civilized peoples of the Western World
have failed to understand the virtue of judicious swearing ;
and have, consequently, condemned it out of hand.
Why swear? Why use the abrasive, pungent and often
socially stigmatized nouns and adjectives? Well, it is a relief
mechanism for feelings that might otherwise manifest
themselves in more violent and dangerous acts. Swearing,
gentle readers, is a cathartic. !t purges anger, releases
tensions. A good cry, a good laugh and a good cussword have
each in their own way been recognized as serving the useful
function of bringing relief to tne harassed mind. And, believe
me, the ecologists are harassing me.1 Samuel Butler once
wrote that nice people are people with dirty minds, people
who have spent the greater part of their lives in repressing
and inhibiting the thoughts that the healthier-minded
accommodate more easily or get out of their systems by free
and uninhibited expression. Wise men (and even wise
women) have recognized that swearing is the art of
achieving eloquence with an economy of words. Today, even
words should be conserved along with energy, food,
newsprint and water.
v This is probably what Dr. Samuel Johnson had in mind
wnen ne saia, 1 lute a gooa swearer, dui sweai n a mvc icu
a terrible life; still are. For centuries reformers have
behaved like fiends, Montagu points out, to exorcise the
spirit of language and cleanse it of what they deem to be
unclean. In the name of the law (which they demanded) they
have "hung, drawn, quartered and otherwise abused their
victims. In 15th century France, for example, swearers and
blasphemers had a lip slit, and if they persisted they might
have their tongues removed."
The expression which has led to this inquiry,
son-of-a-bitch, has a long and distinguished history. Its
modern use dates back to the early 18th century. Without it
there is grave doubt we could have won World Wars I and II!
Recent Presidents of the United States, all educated men,
have been known to apply the term to certain newspaper
reporters. Was there any other manner by which President
Truman could have disposed of a critic of his daughter's
singing? Still, Byron used the term in Don Juan (11th canto)
whilst describing the manners of a civil servant in issuing a
passport, and ending on this note: "If he (the civil servant)
found not in this spawn of taxborn riches, like lap-dogs, the
least civil sons of bitches." Socrates was the first man to use
the dog in this connection, as far as I can find. He swore by
the dog. But the Romans got credit for introducing the epithet
to the Western World, with their "damnosa canicula." It
came to France as "sacre'chien." When it hit England it was
simply "damned dog." But it achieved flowering perfection
in the United States as an insult and a challenge to instant
combat. Unfortunately, more modern use is turning it into a
term of endearment and affection, as : "Why, you good old
son-of-a-bitch!" Sorry times.
,So much for that expression, which is hoary and
venerable with years and which has served mankind so well.
I believe the only other word by which my critic is repelled is
"damn." The common expression, "I don't give a damn" is
pure Indian in origin. In India the coin of least value was once
the dam. The Duke of Wellington, fighting in India, enriched
the language when he outbursted: "I don't care a two-penny
dam!" It has since been refined, but its original sentiment is
fairly well preserved in modern usage.
The great literature of the ages is crammed with
profanity, obscenity and blasphemy. The finest bit of
scatalogical pornography in the English language, according
to Montagu, is Mark Twain's 1601-A Conversation At the
Social Fireside as it Was in the Time of the Tudors. It
concerns a nobleman who "broke wind" at the court of Queen
Bess, "the fellow to which the Queen had admiringly not
heard the like before." This work was written for Twain's
friend, the Rev. Dr. Joseph H. Twichell. It has been published
throughout... jhe EngJishje.aldun .wocld,.. hut -.never
legitimately. "Thus," says Montagu, "do little minds drive
away the work of their betters." I have a copy of 1601. It is a
work of art, even though the theme is rather heady.
Those who would not read the profanities must
necessarily deprive themselves of the pleasures of
Shakespeare, the Old Testament, Aristotle, T.E. Lawrence,
Winston Churchill, Byron, Browning, Coleridge, Darwin,
Demosthenes, Dryden, Emerson, Stephen Leacock, John
Masefield, H.L. Mencken, Alexander Pope, Plutarch.
Bertrand Russell, Jonathan Swift and Hugh Walpole. Plus a
thousand more unrecalled masters of literary style and
substance.
There is a story told about Mark Twain, a great
dispenser and admirer of the art of profanity. His wife,
unable to control his outbursts, became so frustrated that she
decided to treat him to some really eloquent swearing. Mark
listened until she had exhausted the repertory so
well-learned from him and then dryly remarked: "The
words are there, my dear, but the music is wanting."
Swear words must be carefully orchestrated. As Twain
remarked, the music must accompany them. It may be of
some consolation to my Mail Pouch critic, and to others who
may share her views, that I am resolved not to abuse and
thus destroy the effectiveness of gutty expressions by their
too frequent use. The proper music must be used to make
them shine like the diamonds they are. They are far too
precious, too devastating in their editorial application, for
any writer to employ them willy-nilly.
"Okay . . . let's try it again.
The mail pouch
EDITOR:
I know that this letter will probably never see the editor's
Mail Pouch, because my last one didn't. But I would like to
sav something I feel is important to our community.
I truly enjoyed the Gazette-Times when you first took over
and still do, most of it. The only objection I have is, why do
you have to print such filthy words? Each week they seem to
get worse. Must you express your thoughts with such words?
This is a nice community, and our only source of local news
is the Gazette-Times. Last week you called the ecology nut
such a word that is only degrading to you and our
community.
In all kindness. I know that you are very nice person and
hope that next time you don't like someone you will call him a
fanatic, knothead or something not so vulgar. I'm sure, with
your education, you can think of some nice words to call
someone and still get your point across.
MRS. CHARLENE PAPINEAU,
Lexington.
EDITOR:
Happy to have you back in print. We enjoy your Horse
Sense just as we did your Opinion column in the Sebastopol
Times.
Enclosed is a column from the San Jose (Ca.) paper about
parking meters. We thought you might enjoy it.
We live in Los Gatos, Ca., where they kicked out the
parking meters years ago.
MR. & MRS. BRUCE FRANK,
Los Gatos, Ca.
(ED. NOTE-Thank you. The column on parking meters you
enclosed is re-published on this page because of its timely
application to the situation in Heppner.)
EDITOR:
I would like to send a word of thanks to Eva Swanson
Hamlett and all her committee who made the lone High
School classes 1932-1938 reunion such a complete success.
I'm sure I'm speaking in behalf of all those who attended.
Thank you all, and we hope to be together for another reunion
in five more years.
JOYCE CARLSON DARST,
Eugene.
EDITOR:
Will you please publish this open letter to the Morrow
County Livestock Assn. in your Mail Pouch?
On behalf of the sheep members of the Hoof and Horn
Livestock Club we appreciate the part you played in the 4-H
Auction. I am referring to the price difference your
organization paid.
All of us deeply appreciate your generosity. Without your
support our profit wouldn't have been so great. Thank you.
SANDRA PALMER.
Sheep Junior l.c.idi r,
Mark Sargent, Rhonda
Sargent, Pam Cantin, Cathy
Palmer and Mary An fireenup
' - "
"I don't know how them ostronouts can find thot moon trs
so dork ond foggy out there I con't even see iff
THB
GAZETTE-TIMES
MORROW COUNTY'S NEWSPAPER
Addrni: Hiiwwr, Or.. 7J4, T. 7tn. P.O.
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W7.
EDITOR:
Re: that unnecessary evil, the parking meter.
Since the cowboys failed with their ropes, why not use a
bulldozer for a clean sweep?
The parking meter is a nuisance which discourages
out-of-towners as well as in-towners. Our town needs all the
business it can get. Why chase shoppers off to cities that
advertise, "No parking meters"? What woman wants to run
to feed a meter when she is occupied in trying on a dress,
getting a hair-do or buying a week's supply of groceries?
Meters are not needed for hitching posts, so their only use
is as leaning posts for gossips.
If parkers linger overtime in front of a store, give the
officers a chalk stick to mark tires when parking privileges
are abused.
C. ERVIN ANDERSON.
Heppner.
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I was inside having my hair cut-all of it, not just one-and
thus was blissfully unaware of what was happening out in the
StreBut happening it was. They told me about it later: This
lady had come riding up on a motorcycle, sort of, given my
car the once over and then slipped a note under the
windshield wiper.
I found the note when I got outside, too late. City of San
Jose " it read, "Parking Citation and Complaint
Right. I'd been zapped. A parking ticket. But .f the city
thinks it has a complaint. . .!
Before we go on, you probably think I'm going to
complain about parking meters and such only because I got a
ticket, right? I'm a bad sport, right? ,
Well, you're right indeed. I'm not only a bad sport-I m a
rotten sport.
But my dislike of parking meters and what they do goes
back a lot further than this week.
It began, probably, when I first came to San Jose. San
Jose had parking meters then-I'm not one of your pioneer
natives who remembers when the valley was covered with
blossoms and the nearest thing to the curb was a hitching
post. As far as I can remember locally, San Jose always has
had meters.
Which may be part of the problem.
It certainly seemed to be then, I recall. Macy's had just
announced that it was going to locate away from the
downtown business district. In something new called a
"shopping center." With acres of free parking. Being
basically cheap, that last bit caught my eye.
It caught the eye of some people downtown, too. Might
not this free parking be a threat to their few curbside spaces,
each guarded by a mechanical sentry and patrolled by the
boys in blue? They worried.
Pish tush, a majority of city leaders replied. (Or words to
that effect.) Downtown is downtown. Who would want to
leave it for any reason? Shopping centers may have frills but
they are only a fad and the shoppers know this.
Uh huh. You see how that turned out.
Before you could say "rezoning" there were shopping
centers all over the place. Except in the center of the city,
where fewer and fewer people were shopping.
Yet the parking meters stayed. The merchants offered to
validate tickets from parking lots--if the shopper bought
something at their stores -but that was hardly competitive
with the suburban freebies. The shoppers knew that. Heck,
even an economic dummy like myself knew.
Still, the parking meters remained. How else can we ease
the downtown parking congestion, the experts stressed?
Well, from that point of view, perhaps they were right. The
meters certainly have lessened the congestion downtown.
Thanks to them you now can find a parking place almost
anyplace you choose. The same applies, unfortunately, to the
Sahara.
Some people-myself among them-began complaining
publicly. Still the meters are there, as unmoved as the ,
municipal mentality. Where would we be without their
revenue, the experts ask? Well, where would the downtown
core's assessed valuation be if those cussed meters had been
yanked in time? Right back atcha!
Parking meters in San Jose have outlived whatever
dubious usefulness they ever had, I'm convinced. They may
be all right in San Francisco where space is at a premium
and paying paking lot fees is like playing Russian roulette
(choose between 25 cents the first half hour and 50 cents for
every 33 and one-third minutes thereafter" or "15 cents the
first 27 minutes, .007 cents every second thereafter,
compounded half-hourly").
But who'd w ant to pay to park in Oakland, for instance.
Or vou-know -where else.
I'll tell you one thing-this is the last time I'll park where
I got that ticket. There's something that lacks warmth in
finding a note on your windshield marked "violator's copy."
Was that two things? Sorry. But like Phase Four,
inflation and parking meters, I just had to get my two buck'
worth.
Mayor 'of Hardmah
DEAR MISTER EDITOR:
I see'by the papers where these "Who's Who" outfits all
over the country is catching down the country on account
they Invite anybody and everbody to git wrote up In their
books and to buy their books.
The Guvemment agencies that are tryl"8 "ler'
public" are calling thew folks the "vanity press."
Mister Editor, the wonder to me is that It's any of the
Guvernment's business. This country runs on vanity, cause
that's the stuff that sells everything we use from cars to
cigarettes, from clothes to colleges, from toothpaste to
automatic garage door openers. The desire to buy is built on
making a show with other folks, and the products are made to
fill the desire.
Actual, all the "vanity press" Is doing is telling folks they
have "been selected" to be included in such and such a
publication. Course, everbody that has a Social Security
mimhor nf n credit card is important enuff to be selected, and
fer sure they will want the $25 book that tells all about their
reasons fer being famous and successful. This is the oldest
selling pitch in the book, and no more brazen than most.
The fellers at the country store Saturday night took up this
matter, and it was agreed they made a pore impression on
the "Who's Who" press. Zeke Grubb said his preacher gets
selected regular to appear in different books about
distinguished people, but the preacher says he Just ignores
em.
Zeke's preacher said the only difference between gitting in
"Who's Who" and gitting a honorary degree is about $200,000.
If you got $25 you can git a book with your name in it. and if
you give some college a new libcry wing you git "Dr." in big
type on paper suitable fer framing.
It's the same. Zeke's preacher said, as putting somepun
extry in the collection plate to git your name on a stained
glass window.
Ed Dolittle said you can thumb through any magazine you
pick up and git the same message "Who's Who" is selling.
You got to wear our shirt to look successful, the ads tell us,
and if you smoke this cigar and drink whisky the gals will
know at a glance you're first class material. .
And a cyclopedia salesman never has come to his door, Ed
allowed, that didn't start off by telling him about some big
shot that bought a set of books, and about how so-and-so down
the road recommended Ed fer a set.
Farthermore, Ed went on, this vanity business" works
backwards as good as forwards. Folks brag about how much
they owe, and how much a feller can borry these days is took
as a measure of success.
A feller that pays his bills from one month to the next is a
"pore risk," but the big operator that can go in debt $30,000
jest by signing his name and paying 10 per cent interest is a
fit subject fer "Who's Who in the World of Finance."
Mister Editor, they is a heap of difference between growing
and swelling, but folks get em mixed up.
Yours truly,
MAYOR ROY.
How to
kill a
convention
By
LESTER KINSOLVING
"The classic heresy of the 20th century is that truth will
invariably emerge from dialogue," contends the periodical
of the English Diocese of Peterborough.
Nowhere is this better illustrated than at the national
religious conventions, where the language utilized by some of
the more experienced delegates (and group dynamics
hustlers) is wonderous almost to the point of being occult.
Such esoteric linguistics have been described as
"Baffletalk" by Emily Louise Conrad, in an article written
for Eternity magazine.
"Baffletalk" is mastered, she explains. She lists thret
columns of nine numbered words which are frequently used
by speakers at religious conventions - such as :
Indigenous, incremental, normative, contextual, optimal,
viable, infrastructure, etc. etc. etc.
"Now choose a. three-digit number - your area code, or th
last three digits of your zip code will do nicely," she directs
in order to make a random selection of the numbered words
The result, if memorized, can dazzle an entire convention
enabling the greenest freshman delegate to achiev
immediate national recognition by taking the floor to infora
the assemblage:
"What we really need in dealing with this issue ii
multi-dimensional, determinative involvement!"
In short order this technique can enable one to move up t
the forensic major league, where one can be a star by callinj
for:
"Action-oriented orchestration of innovative inputs whicl
can maximize the vital thrust towards a nonalienatet
infrastructure."
If, despite such verbal snowstorms, the convention seem:
to be on the verge of actually accomplishing something
specific (which one opposes) it is time to shift immediately
into verbiage that is wonderfully simple and simplj
wonderful - but no less lethal to any and all progress.
An example of this is provided in a brief article which was
sent to this writer, which has neither author's name not
publication - but which is entitled "How To Avoid Action":
For every proposal set up an opposite and then "concede"
to a "middle ground "J no action at ailL .
Profess not to have the answer. (This lets you out of having
any answer to all) - while earnestly cautioning against
proceeding too rapidly (which helps avoid ever getting
started).
Emphasize righteously that "This problem cannot be
separated from other related problems,." (Translation: We
can't solve this problem until we have solved all related
problems - which means never.)
Ask what is meant by the question. (By the time this is
explained to the satisfaction of even a small minority, it is
time to go home.)
Earnestly caution the gathering that "We had better wait
until we can consult an expert ! " or, as an equally effective
action -stopper: "Let's appoint a committee!"
In closing, be sure to congratulate the problem. "It has
stimulated discussion, contributed to growth, opened new
visitas anp shown us the way." (We may have wasted two
perfectly feood hours, but that problem surely deserves a
medal.)