THE GAZETTE-TIMES, HEPPNER, ORE. THURSDAY, AUG. 17, 1916
PAGE SEVEN
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I samples m tie
LATEST FATTE1MS.
Prices i Bwt hm $1 WD h $S
:-: SPICE :-:
j Pokus What is he doing now?
HIRub Writing essays on the de
cline of the drama. Life.
people who own automobiles." New
.York Times.
1TTTTTTV
Always m BsasiiL
Shrewd Astrologer.
Louis XI of France one day sent
for an astrologer who had predicted
many deaths accurately.
"You, sir," said the king, "you who
can foretell everything, pray when
shall you die?"
"I?" the astrologer answered cooly!
"Why, I, sir, shall die just three days
before your majesty".
This reply so alarmed the king that
he ordered him to be lodged in one of
his finest palaces and well taken care
of.
1 ' t
IFOR SALE
OR EXCHANGE
I CADILLAC AUTO, Combina
I tion Roadster and Touring Car.
Detachable tonneau, two tops, new tires, lot of
extra equipment.
Will sell on terms or trade for
i work horses or mules.
I POSTMASTER, Morgan, Ore.
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White Star Flour
MADE AT HOME
From Morrow County's Best Mill
ing Wheat.
By using our flour which is of superior qual
ity to other brands sold here your money is
kept at home.
For Sale at all Stores in the County.
HEPPNER CELLING CO.
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"Marriage is a lottery with very
few prizes."
"Of course, it is. The best man
never gpts the bride." Baltimore
American.
w
People's Cash Market
Phone Main 73
Wholesale and retail dealers in
FRESH AND CURED MEATS
Prompt attention given all orders.
HENRY SCHWARZ, Proprietor
Camp
Domino 1 am equipped
Ulg 1 01 UCOto
carrv Dassen-
gers with camp equipment, or Ford for
hire with or without trailer.
PRICES REASONABLE. By Mile or Day Rate
Sec me at Heppner Garage. E. H. KELLOGG
THE CLUB
IS HEPPNER YOUNG MEN'S POPULAR RESORT
BILLIARDS AND POOL
WE SERVE ALL THE LEADING BRANDS OF SOFT DRINKS
AND THE BEST LINES OF CIGARS AND TOBACCO. -:- -:
O. B. HOttman, in the Palace Hotel.
As Others See Us.
A local preacher, who was in the
habit of taking his wife with him to
his preaching appointments, said on
arrival at the chapel in a country
town: "My dear, you go in there; you
will be all right. I must go round
to the vestry."
In the vestibule the wife was met
by a kind-hearted steward, who, after
giving her a hearty welcome and a
hymn-book, conducted her to a com
fortable seat. At the close of the
service the same kind-hearted ste
ward gave her a hearty shake of the
hand, adding he pleased he would be
to see her at the service each Sun
day. " Then, whispering, he said, "But
let me tell you, we don't get a duffer
like this in the pulpit every Sunday."
The Continent.
Impassioned Orator The Ameri
can eagle, whether soaring over the
dusty deserts of Mexico or skimming
the broad Atlantic, will never draw in
its horns or retire into its shell.
Boston Transcript.
"Is this rich land?" asked the pros
pective purchaser, cautiously.
"It certainly ought to be," replied
the gentleman-farmer. "I have put
all the money I had into It." Rich
mond Times Dispatch.
Political Boss I can land you a
job payiu' three thousand a year
two to you and one to me.
Worker And do I have an assis
tant who does all the work?
Boss Sure; and we split half of
his salary between us. Philadelphia
Bulletin.
"Do you ever take a flyer in the
market?"
"No," replied the munitions specu
lator. ' "Nothing doing with airships.
I'm for submarine:!" Washington
Star.
First Trolley Conductor Why was
Kelly fired?
Second Trolley Conductor His car
struck a man at 16th street and car-
led him a block on the fender. After
collecting a nickel from him, in the
excitement, Kelly for got to rhig it
up and the man was a spotter.
Life. .
"Did you win the argument?"
"I should say so. Why, when I
finished my opponent couldn't say a
word."
"You did him to a turn, eh?"
"To a taciturn." St. Louis Repub-lis.
Mr. Newly Wed What makes the
baby yell in that way, dear?
Mrs. N. W. His teeth, love.
Mr. N. W. Oh, If that's all, I'll
run for a dentist and have them out.
London Saturday Journal.
Farmer's Wife What do you
think of our eggs?
Paying Guest Too small for their
age. Chicago Herald.
"The alligator can go six months
without eating."
"Just the pet for a poet." Louis
ville Courier-Journal.
Sshmaltz If I put my money in
the bank when can I get it out?.
Baltz The next day, but you have
got to give them two weeks' notice.
How many miles can you go on a
gallon?
How many can you?
I asked you first. Life.
"I'm afraid these Louis XV. heels
are much to high for me. Perhaps
you have lower ones-sav about Loiii.
X. WOUld do. I think."Lnndon Dninlnn
"Diclpline," said a government offi
cial at a dinner In Washington, "nav
al discipline must be maintained at
all costs."
"They tell a story to illustrate this
"A naval officer said to a seaman:
"What ldoit told you to dumn that
pile of dunnage there?"
"It was the captain, sir" the sea
man answered.
"Humph," said the officer, "let it
remain there, then and take 12 hour3
in Irons, my man, for calling the cap
tain an idiot." Washington Star.
"Jones is the finest aftpr-dinnpr
speaker I have ever heard."
"So?"
"Yes, he always says. Waiter, give
hat check to me." Panther.
"My husband Is such a blockhead!"
"How now?"
"Couldn't locate a lady I wanted to
And, although I told him plainly that
her gown had sleeves of ninir and vel
vetrevers." Louisville Courier Journal.
The weather man lay dying; It was
ony a matter of a few hours, the doc
tors said.
Motioning to his sobbing friends he
waited until they had crowded a
round his bed to listen to his last
words.
He gave careful directions for the
disposition if his belongings, and out
lined the general features of his fune
ral; then he murmured:
"And I want you to put up a nice
tomb-stone, for me with these words
carved on it: 'Probably Cooler.'
"Say Claude, did rou eet Tour shirt
back from the laundry?"
"Yes, Reginald, but not from the
front."-Texas Longhorn.
Wife The policeman called on the
cook last night.
Husband Ah! a conference of the
powers. Baltimore Sun.
"Those twin boys of yours are so
much alike that I don't see how you
can tell them apart."
"That's easy enough. When
they're In their good behavior they
answer to their own names, and when
they've been in mischief each one an
swers to the name of the other."
New Orleans Times-Picayune.
Sacca Bonna wants something se
vere done to people who don't do as
they advertise to do. He says he saw
a sign in a street car: "Buy O'Dono
van's rubber heels, 50 cents attach
ed." And so he went and bought a pair,
but there was no half-dollar attached,
and he believes he has been swindled.
Newark News. ,
"Can you accomodate myself and
family for summer board?" ,
"What's your politics?" inquired
armer Corntossel.
"Does that make any difference?"
"Yep. I'm not going to take an
ther chance of havin' the whole place
stirred up with arguments day an'
night. All the folks that board here
this summer has got to have the same
politics." Washington Star.
" So Hunter is after the heiress. Ey
the way, whui does he do for a liv
ing?" "Banking at present."
"Indeed!"
"Yes, he's banking on marrying
ner " Boston Transcript.
"Don't you know its wrong to be
lieve in ghosts?"
"I don't believe in 'em," replied
Erastus Pinkly. "Why, suh, I
wouldn't trust a ghosh as fur as I
could see im." Washington Star.
Tough luck! Fellow
winners at yesterday's races.
wnat s tough about that?"
"I didn't play them." Judge.
Plaintiff's Lawyer 1 rest tne case.
Defendant's Ditto You
it's pretty weak. Boston Transcript.
"Tell me, how did you come to
marry your second husband?"
"My first one died." Boston Transcript.
An old negro was taken ill and pi.
led a physician of his race to pres
cribe ror him. He did not seem to get
any better, and finally a white nhvsl.
cian was called. Soon after arriving
me new doctor felt the darky's pulse
for a moment and then examined his
tongue.
"Did the other doctor take your
temperature?" he asked.
"I don't know, sah," he answered,
feebly. "I hasn't missed anvthinn
but my watch as yit, boss."
"Mrs. Giddigad's baby cried the
other day, when she wanted to take
it from the nurse."
"Yes, the poor child is afraid nf
strangers." Judge.
School-Room Humor.
For half an hour the teacher na-
tiently Instructed her class in the art
of telling the time from a clock.
"Now," she said at last, as she
pointed to the big clock on the wall,
you may be the first to tell me the
time, Mary Brown."
Full of importance. Marv turned
and studied the dial. Then she faced
her teacher again, her eves shinn
ing with triumph. "Its just one inch
past 11!" she said.
A little girl in the primary school
was asked to tell the difference be
tween the words "foot" and "feet."
She said:
"One feet is a foot and a whole lot
of foots Is a feet."
To one of the members of a com
mittee of inspection on its tour of a
lenitentiary a convict confided:
"It is a terrible thine to be known
by a number instead of a name, anl
to teel that all my life I shall be an
ibject of suspicion among the police."
"But you will not be alone, my
friend." consoled the visitor, cnnsnl-
ingly. "The same thing happens to
Xot So Bad.
A couple of old salts met after a
long absence, and the following ani
mated conversation ensued:
"Well, old man, how are you gett
ing on?"
"First-rate. I have taken a wife."
"A very sensible idea."
"Not a bit of it; she's a regular
Tartar."
"Then I'm sorry for you mate."
"There's no need; she brought me
a big ship as her marriage portion."
"Then you made a good bargain
after all?"
"Nothing to boast of, I can tell
you. The ship turned out a worth
lesss old tinder-box."
"Then I'm sornj I spoke."
"Bah! You can speak as much as
you like. The old tub was well in
sured, and went down on her first
voyage."
"So you made a good thing there,
anyhow?"
"Not so much, mate; I only got
$1,000 out of the job as my share."
"That was to bad."
"Too bad! Nothing of the sort!
Wife and mother-in-law were on
board and went down with the rest."
COL CANNOT ACCEPT IN
VITATION TO ROUND-UP
Pendleton, Aug. ,16 President T.
D. Taylor has received an autograph
letter from Col. Theodore Roosevelt
in which the famous Rough Rider ad
vises that at present he cannot accept
the invitation to witness the 1918
Round-Up, September 21,22, and 23,
but if at a later date it is possible for
him to tour Oregon during the presi
dential campaign now on he will be
glad to accept. The Round-Up man
agement still has hopes that he will
be able to come for it is certain that
the 1916 attendance will break all
records as it is and with Mr. Roose
velt here It would be a high water
year. As for the show it will be
up to the usual Riund-Up standard
with many new, novel and daring fea
tures. Already ticket reservations
are double those of last year and
equal to those of 1913. The prize
list has been increased a couple of
thousand dollars which assures a big
number of high class contestants.
?5
From the Gazette of Aug. 20, 1891.
Snow fell to the depth of one foot
a few days ago in the mountains be
twten the North Fork and Powder
River.
Hon. T. J. Matlock took iuite a
delegation of turf devotees and news
paper men out to hit- Hinton creek
ranrli last Saturday. Ihey were
well pleased with the- stock.
Ben Swaggart will return soon
from Teel Springs to look alter hi3
threshing and race stock. His
family will remain there some weeks
yet.
Dr. E. T. Gagen and John Hughes
spent a pleasant vacation in the
mountains returning last Friday.
They were quite successful as hunters
killing quite a number of grouse.
P. H. Lee, the middleweight cham
pion of the American navy, and who
is at present employed in Whetstone's
blacksmith shop is desirous of start
ing a wrestling and boxing school.
School Teacher I'm sorry to say,
Mr. Jones that your boy is very back
ward in school with his studies.
Jones That's strange; At home
in conversation with me he seems to
know it all. Boston Transcript.
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