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Uncle Walfe
oion
DOMINANT WOMAN
tt'T'HERE'S much tnith in the old
saying that a bachelor Is mere
ly half a man," observed the professor.
"I suppose you are trying to take a
fall out of me because I don't get mar
ried," said the low-browed man. "It
may be true that
a bachelor is only
a half a man, but
when he accumu
lates a wife, he's
usually only a
quarter of a man,
or maylle one
eighth. The more
I see of married
men, the more
thankful I am
that I have never
loomed up at the
altar "with an or
ange wreath on
my head.
"Old Doolittle has been married a
long time, and he's got so used to be
ing bossed by his wife that he doesn't
know what to do when she isn't
around. If you offered to lend him $5
he'd say he'd have to consult Eliza
Jane about It. One time, when his
wife was away, visiting, he ate about
a peck of green cucumbers, and the
colic shut him up like a folding bed.
It was the worst case I ever saw. I
heard bim yelling for the police, and
when I rushed over there and saw him
on the floor, with his feet clasped
across the back of his neck, I phoned
for a doctor at once. We put him to
bed, and the agony that man endured
was sickening. And as he rolled
nround there, expecting to go off the
hooks every minute, he kept 'saying,
'What will Eliza Jane say when she
hears I called In a doctor?'
"After his wife came back, I was
over at their house one night, and she
roasted me to a crisp for sending for a
doctor. She said that if I had the first
Instincts of a gentleman I'd pay the
bill, for I wasn't authorized to call in
a sawbones, and she didn't want one in
the house. Doolittle sat there and
heard his wife roasting me until my
whiskers curled and, although he knew
the doctor saved his life, he never said
a word.
"After I left the house, he sneaked
out and overtook me, and told me he
was sorry for what had happened, but
experience had taught him that it's no
, use to butt In when his wife has the
floor.
"Gooseworthy came over this morn
ing while I was feeding the cows, and
told me a tale of woe. His wife has
about five hundred female relations,
aunts and stepsisters and cousins and
such people, and she keeps the house
full of them all the time. He has to
sleep on a sanitary couch in the hall,
while his own feather bed Is occupied
by an aunt who weighs about 400
pounds. He has a comfortable rocking
chair he bought for his own private
use, and now he never gets a whack
at it. His wife's step-sister, who
brought her tortoise-shell cat alone, Is
always using it. He said he was get
ting plumb disgusted with such a con
dition of affairs, but he didn't know
what to do.
"I asked him why he didn't read the
authorized version of the riot act to his
wife, and tell her to ship ail those rel
ics out of the house. He se.Miied
shocked at the suggestion. 'You don't
know what you're tiUking about,' he
6aid. 'You've never been married.'
"The queer thing about It Is that
Gonse-.vortliy is a great stickler for his
rights when he's avay from borne. He's
as gassy as n bobcat, and will fight at
the drop of ihp hat if anybody tries to
Impose on him. He walks with his
head buck :ui;l bis dust out in front of
him, but as uuon as he reaches bis own
front p:;te be Ligiiis to look so blamed
abject that the ueighbori pity bim.
"TlicP, there's- old Major .Sendoff,
who distinguished himself on many a
crimson battlefield. He Ins courage
enough for three regiments. Hut he
married the Vii':w I'unkwn a couple
of j'Mrs ago and she makes him do
the family washing, and hang the
clothts on the line, and I suppose he
does the ironing, too. I could ttll you
of a hundred such eases " ,
"I suppose you could." sighed the
profe.-sor, "but I don't care for sensa
tional fiction."
r3 Qt rl-i
-L J
rfptowwi'
' OP WORSES
What the Public Wants,
Theatrical Manager Well I What
do you want?
Playwright Sir, I've written a
play.
"Everybody's doing that. Get out I"
"It has a bathtub In it"
"Yes? Have a chair."
"And a bedroom "
"Here's a cigar."
"And a young girl and a minister."
"Have a couple of cigars."
"In the third act the big one
the minister Is stricken with remorse."
"With what?"
"With remorse. He regrets his
weakness."
"Sorry, young man, but that kind
of play doesn't go. I'm busy."
"I forgot to tell you that the min
ister is already married to another
woman."
"Here's all the money I've got for
advance royalty." Life.
Not Absolutely Washed.
Pycherley is a hard-hearted man.
The spirit of Christmas never enters
his body ; and, indeed, if he has any
particularly unpleasant intelligence to
convey, he generally manages to save
It up for Christmas time.
His wife, however, is different, and
last Christmas entered the dining room
with a troubled look.
"Oh, John," she said,. "Mary just
swallowed a shilling! What shall we
du?"
Mary, let it be said, occupies the
position of mald-of-all-work in the
Pycherley household.
"Do?" repeated the master of the
house. "Well, I suppose we'd better
let her keep it. She would have ex
pected a. Christmas box, anyhow."
London Tit-Bits.
THE
KITCHEN
CABINET
1921. Western Newspaper Union.)
Societies, governments, nations fall
when the secret chambers of individ
ual hearts grow weak. But those se
cret chambers cannot ba filled from
the world outside. They can only be
filled from within at the cisterns of
Infinite Sllence?-S. J. Barrows.
SEASONABLE FOODS.
During the winter when canned
fruit is to be used in various ways,
the following will
be a salad that Is
unusual, and very
good :
Plum and Cream
Cheese Salad.
Take canned
green gage plums,
drained from their
sirup and dc.y on soft paper. Cut
open and remove the stones, allow
ing tjiree plums with the cheese
for each salad. Chop fine a dozen
pecan meats -and half a plmenta, rinsed
in cold water and dried in a cloth.
Bent these into cream cheese, adding
cream If the cheese lacks moisture
Shape into balls. Make a nest of heart
leaves of lettuce, on these dispose the
plums with a ball of cheese In the
center to take the place of the stone.
Serve, with Trench dressing, using lem
on juice, one part to three or fc ir of
oil.
Baked Beans, New York Style. Let
a pint of beans soak over night in
water to cover. In the morning drain,
add fresh water and rub the be-ms
through the hands to loosen the skins.
Wash In a colander with cold water.
Cover with cold water arid return to
tire to cook. . Dip one-fourth of n
pound of suit pork into boiling water,
scrape the rind and score It. then put
to cook with the beans. When the
skins commence to curl, remove tlieni
from the fire and put them to bake In
a shall ov baking dish. Press the porlc
into the center of the dish and cover
with a granite pan. I'.ake six hours
in a moderate oven, adding water us
needed. Do not add water during the
last hour of baking. Bemove the cov--r
and brown during the last hour
Serve with mustard pickles, tomato
afsup or any dcirod relish.
Peanut Straws. Boll rich pnstrv to
oiie.eii.diih of an Inch in thickness :
spread one-half with sofu-ned peanut
butter: wet tbe edges of the crust;
fold the remaining half myr It. Boll
lightly: pr.ci; here anil there to pre
vent pufTing; cut In s'rips half an Inch
and four iic lies long; brush will,
milk and bake in quick oven. When
done. prml;le wi'h puprika.
Heppaer Herald Want Ads bring
home the b?cn.
13
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HOME
TOWN
HELPSE
DISTINCTIVE SIGN FOR TOWN
Idea That Is Attaining Popularity in
England Is Worth Consideration
in Our Own Land.
They are endeavoring in England to
make a fashion in village signs what
a good notion to borrow I It has been
urged that for the unlovely notice at
the entrance to a town, reading, "Fair
field. No 'cut-outs,' " there be sub
stituted a sign such as villages and
tlie visitors to them enjoyed in the old
days; a design, boldly executed anil
colored, 'which should call to mind
some historical or industrial associa
tion with the place, or some sugges
tion inherent in the name itself and
which would come in time to be known
as the symbol of the town. The Lon
don Dally Mail thought the idea so
good that it opened a competition to
designers of village signs. The first
prize was $5,000 and has gone to a man
who made a sign for the village of
St. Peter's-in-Thanet the English have
literally picturesque mimes on their
map, but some of our own Indian
words would offer the artist os rich an
opportunity, and think, too, what he
could do for Concord and Lexington,
for Deerfield and Tarrytown. Several
of the English villages have already
responded with the offer to buy the de
signs submitted in this particular com
petition and have them executed and
set up. In addition automobilists
have declared their desire to contrib
ute toward the expenses In some cases,
for they say that though they live in
the city, they would have much pleas
ure from these signs. At this point,
however, the village will be wisest to
refuse. The town may go where It
will for the artist, but the sign must
be Its own, no gift to it from an out
sider better take five years to get It
and have It real, than obtain It quick
ly and artificially. The village sign
is no fashion to sweep the countryside
wholesale, but what an admirable one
to set going and let grow steadily!
The Villager.
MERE NUMBERS NO CRITERION
Town Must Be Judged by Cendltieni
of Living That Prevail With
in its Borders.
The gathering of Important Infor
mation by the census bureau has been
a gradual growth. The first census
In 1700 was taken for the sole purpose
of determining the representation,
which by the Constitution had been
put on a numerical basis. Each suc
ceeding decennial enumeration has had
this as Its first object, but gradually
other, and actually more Important
Information has been Included, until
now the volumes Issued by the cen
sus bureau on other subjects far out
number those which contain the fig
ures of population. It Is a regret
table fact that we pay too little at
tention to these other figures. They
contain a wealth of information and.
suggestion for the Improvement of In
dustrial; social, religious and domes
tic relations of the people.
Rivalry between American cities
based upon those conditions would be
on a higher plane than the present
rivalry in mere numbers. That city
which could boast of being the best
In which to live, best for all classes
of society, would have far more benefit
In Its boasting than the one which
could speak onbr of its numbers. Ur
ban life In the United States Is becom
ing too congested, too large a propor
tion of the entire population, in spite
of Improved facilities for suburban
living and transit. Cities would far
better concern themselves with the
conditions of living of their people
than with the number of people them
selves, as compared with other cities.
That would be placing the emphasis
where It belongs.
Town's Real Opportunities.
Nearly all places go down In his
tory because of the kind of people
they give to the world or encourage
to remain, becmise of their Interest
in education, religious training and In
true Americanism. The real greatness
of any city depends on the future It
Is building for Its people, not on the
wealth and prestige which the penile
are winning for It today.
No town need be pessimistic because
J
WeTfl Nfwspapw Union
VMJV-V-fcVOS, "MOT OVi VSl UFO. VV XAM
X. vv Yf cn i it i i
Its numbers are small. There nre op
portunities aplenty for It to win last
ing fame if It helps those within it to
be intelligent, honest and anxious, to
help the nation and the world to be
better places in which to live. Walter
I. Robinson In Indianapolis Star.
Ceylon Land of Cinnamon.
Although cinnamon Is produced In
various parts of the tropics, the best
quality is produced In Ceylon, ac
cording fb an artlcla In the World
Salesman. Owing to its peculiar cli
matic conditions, Ceylon Is particu
larly adapted to the growing of the
cinnamon tree, which requires an an
nual rainfall of 85 to 100 Inches and
an average temperature of 85 de
grees. The tree has a very long life
and has often been known to obtain
the height of 40 feet.
Just Go Ahead and Do It
The present is always a good time
to put Into effect that contemplated
plan of improving the home grounds.
-I' ! ! .j. .j.
CHURCH NOTICES .J.
! I ! l' ! ! i j. j. .j. .j. .j
The First Christian Church.
The usual services of the Church
will be held on Sunday, consisting
of the Bible School at ten o'clock, fol
lowed by Communion Service and
Preaching at eleven o'clock.
The evening Services will consist
of the Christian Endeavor Service at
seven o'clock and song Service and
Preaching at eight o'clock. Everey-
one Is cordially Invited to attend
these services.
W. O. Livingstone, Minister.
Christian Science
Christian Science services are heli
every Sunday morning at 11:00
o'clock in I. 0. O. P. hall. Sunday
Sahool at 9:45 a. m. Testimony
meetings are held every Wednesday
vening at 8:00 o'clock at the home
of Mrs. Eugene Slocum. All inter
ested are cordially Invited to attend
these meetings.
i I I I J i h fc l
$ PROFESSIONAL CARPS $
DR. R. J. VAUGHAN
HENTIST
Permanently located In Odd
fellow's Boildlng
HEPPNER, OREGON
DR. A. D. MoMURDO
PHYSICIAN ad SCRGEON
Telephone 122
Office Patterson's Drug Stora
HEPPNER, ORECON
F. A. McMENAMIN
LAWYER
Office Phone Main 643
Residence Phone Main 665
Roberts Building
HEPPNER, OREGON
S. E. NOTSON
ATTORNKY-AT-LAW
Office In Court House
HEPPNER, OREGON
WOODSON & SWEEK
ATTOliKVS-.T-I.AW
Masonic Building
HEPPNE-K, OREGON
SAM E. VAN VACTOR
ATTOK.N KY-AT-LA W
First National BarrV Bidg.
HEPPNER, OREGON
WATERS & ANDERSON
HUE INSURANCE
SuccepBors to
C. C. Patterson
HEPPNER, OREGON
re
SO TW 000
EDES"
. - V
........
. ( . i . i. .......
MATERNITY HOME
1 am prepared to take a limited
number of maternity cases at my
home in east Heppner and assure
best attention to all patients. Write
or phone, MRS. G. C. AIKEN, Hepp
ner, Or., Box 142. Phone 396. 23tf
FASHIONABLE DRESSMAKING
Remodeling and Ladies' Tailoring;
'Mrs. Curren, Church street. 27ft
Oliver Chilled Plow Co.
reduces prices
to 1 91 8 level
This is good news for
you, Mr. Farmer!
We CARRY the OLIVER LINE
Peoples Hardware
Company
111 Every Respect
says the
W-B GUT is a long fine
RIGHT
fresh Pure Lard
We render fresh, pure lard three times a week and
have reduced the price to 25C A POUND
Order a Strictly First-Class, Heppner-made Product
Central Market
McNAMER & SORENSON, Props.
Horses Never Said a Word
3ES 2wNMSES TU. XMUCS
U FAVOR. OP tW
W , w . r , , . ,
........ .J.l.f-V A3"-?. .
3aciU3P
OREGON PRUNES Choice orch
ard run Orogon Italian prunes, 1920
crop, in 2 5 or 50 pound boxes, or
more, delivered anywhere in Oregon,
by parcels post or express prepaid at
12 cents pound; by freight to any
railroad station in state,, at 11 cts.
in 100 lb. lots or more. Quality
guaranteed. Send remittance with
order to Oregon Prune Co., 732
Morgan Bldg., Portland. Oregon.
Good Judge
You get more genuine chew- '
ing satisfaction from the Real
Tobacco Chew than you ever
got from the ordinary kind.
The good tobacco taste
lasis so long a small chew
of this class of tobacco lasts
much longer than a big chew
of the old kind. That's why
it costs less to use.
Any man who has used both
kinds will tell you that.
Put up in two styles
- cut tobacco
GUT is a short-cut tobacco