Life's Aritbtutttlu.
Suppose there am 10 men at the benoh
thin summer and Clara in nugd to a of
them, Kltcy to 4 at thorn and Molly to
8-10 of ihnra, how many days will it take
Ethel to be engwml to all of them when
they discover that her nana Is a million
aire?
If It takes a laxy freshman 84 hours to
mow a lawn 7 feet by 15, how long will It
take his feet to reach a baseball match a
anile awayf
If you were rich enowth to build a hotel
palace, If you had all your garments made
In London and required a valet to button
your gloves, besides being a reader of soci
ety notes, how long would It take you to
become a perfect ass, supposing you are
not one already'
If yon hav iust heavily .on the street, if
three men have each borrowed f6 of you
and you nave Dunn blackballed at the club,
will you stamp on your new bat that cost
you 15, or go home and he oross to your
who, who expects nothing olsef Life.
A Trlumpu
Mr. Brokerly I don't see how you can
Be so imppy when you know I've just failed
lor null a million dollars)
Mrs. Hrokerly Yes, dearie, hut Just
think a half mllllonl Why,thatMrs.Clev-
rton's husband failed for only a hundred
thousand! This will takeherdown, Trutb.
A Distant llelutlve.
"You may remember that I have spoken
of my Cousin Peter, who llveB In Chicago,"
remarked Mr. Trotter. "His father was my
granciratner's naif brother."
"Not very near," remarked his wife.
"No-o, not very near, but living In Chi
cago during the w orld'a fair."
"Oh, Toml Why. of course!" cried Mrs.
Trotter, with much enthusiasm. "Have
you written to hiruf' 1
"Yes, we've been in correspondence for
alx months just proving our relationship.
y' know. I hoped that he might invite us
out tnore."
"And has he written f"
"Of course ho has," sighed Trotter. "Do
you suppose we corresponded for six months
uy telegraphr'
"I mean, has he sent us an invitation?"
"Yes that is, he has seut me one."
vt natr Ana iorgotten mer Uf course
you re not going."
"Going to wlmtf"
"To accept his Invitation to Chicago."
"Maria," rejoined Mr. Trottor, "the two
are by no means the same. He has not In
vited me to Chicago. I got a letter from
him last night inviting me to lend him
two."
"Well, are you going tot"
"To what, my dearf Please be explicit."
"To lend him the"
"Woll, I guess not. We need the money
to go to Chicago with ourselves. Peter has
proved himself to be too distant a relative,
my love." Harper's bazar.
Easy to Find.
Not long ago an accident happened to
little Barbara's doll Gladys, which was
thereupon sent to a store where surgical
attention Is given to wounded dolls. When
the day came for it to be discharged, cured,
Barbara obtained permission to go and
get it.
Burbnra stood on tiptoe bofore the coun
ter of the store and asked if her doll was
mended.
"I guess so," said the young woman be
hind the counter, fumbling ovora pile of
dons on a snolt. "Hut I'm urraid I can't tell
which one it is la all this lot."
"Oh, you can find her easily enough,"
said Barbara confidently. "Her name's
Gladysl" New Orleans Picayune,
Not Quite Mad.
Lawyor Were you acquainted with the
deceased f
Witness Only in a business way, I was
clerk in a large store at which the lady did
much of her shopping.
Lawyor Did you in that capacity notice
In her any signs of Insanity?
Witness Well, no, not insanity exactly
merely eccentricity. I was in the thread
department, and I have frequently seen her
buy a Bpool of thread and carry it home
herself- "
Piscatorial Item.
Mr. Hudson Rivers la an enthusiastic
fisherman, and he always manages to bring
home fish. A few mornings ago, being
fully equipped with rod, etc, he stopped
on his way to the fishing boat at a Harlem
fish market.
"What can I do for you today?" asked
the urbane proprietor.
"Put aside that big striped bass until I
get back, I am going to catab him while 1
am out at the fishing banks today. "Texas
Sittings.
Harried Lovers. ,
Bilkina-There goes Jack and his wife.
Mighty few people love each other as they
do.
Wllkins-Then why do they fight like
cats and dogs all the time?
Bllkins They are jealous of each other.
New York Weekly.
Matrimonial Item.
Mr. Ohumly How are you coming on
with your lawsultf You know, you told
me that Sharke had swindled you out of
110,000.
Mr. Manygirls Oh, we have made acom
promise. He has married my eldest daugh
ter, exchange.
LIGHTNING POSTHOLES.
Man From Colorado Gives an Indianapolis
Hired Hun Home Points.
The man with the ginger beard was
watching his neighbor laboriously digging
postholes.
"They didn't dig 'em that way out in Col
orado where I lived," said he.
The neighbor, who was a hired man,
dropped his patent "digger," looked around
to see If his employer was visible, found he
was not and took a seat on the ground,
ready to listen. "How did you work It?"
he asked. "By steam ?"
"Steam?" said the man with the ginger
beard. "Naw. Done it by lightning."
"Lightning?"
"Yes. You see In the part of the state I
was In there Is no metals of any kind in the
ground and no trees. I've often watched
the lightning cavortin around In the heav
ens fer an hour at a time, jist achin fer
somethin to strike at, but not beln able to
do so, 'cause they wasn't nothin it could
take a start at no attruotion, you see.
Well, one day I was a-sweatln away, just
like you would be if the boss was around
now, when a old feller, that lived there be
fore 1 come, come along and sayB he'll show
me a scheme to save all that work. You
can bet 1 was willin, so he sends me to the
house for a bag 0' tenpenny nails, and he
plants a nail in every place I had marked
for a hole. 'They Is a storm comin,' says
ne, 'and u 1 hain't mistakened she is a-goin
to do the job in one whirl.' I didn't say
notiiing, fer, honest, 1 thought he wuz
crazy, an I 'lowed I d better humor him.
"After be got the nails all planted he
dragged me away to a safe distance an told
me to watch her work. Pretty soon the
storm came along, with more thunder and
llglitnin in it than yon will see here in a
mouth 0' Sundays. Directly it got over
them sails. Then bliff blam! It went to
plnggln away at them there nails stuck in
the ground, the most delighted llghtnin
you ever see to git somethin to shoot at,
an ev'ry time she hit there was the neatest
posthole dug out you ever see. I did haf to
trim a few of 'em up with a epade, but as
a gineral thing they was as neat as a body
would want to look at. Nuttir' Is mighty
usoful If you know how to handle her."
The hired man said "Gosh!" and resumed
work in the automatic manner of one In
dream. New York Mercury.
A Suggestion For a Poet.
Martin F. Tupper was at one time im
mensely popular, both in England and
America. Grace Greenwood suys of his
poetry that it was a "brief though furious
fashion," and she goes on to illustrate his
British inability to take an American joke
by a story of his mystification by Senator
1 om Corwtn.
One evening the two sat together at a
public dinner, and Mr. Corwln proceeded
to discourse on the divine art of poetry in
a manner delightfully absurb, but rather
puzzling to a poet.
"Why, Mr. Tupper," he asked, "do you
poets always make the heart the seat of
love? Now I should locate that passion in
quite another organ the liver!"
"Why, blesB your soul, Mr. Corwln,
you're not speaking seriously!"
"Perfectly, my dear sir! For example,
wheu a young man is in love, his heart Is
seldom affected, but his liver always is. He
loses his appetite. If there are obstacles,
he peaks and pines. You surely have ob
served It! Now, you poets ought to let the
neart alone and deal with the liver. 1
would even have chauges made in the old
poemB in accordance with physiological
truth."
"But, my dear sir, what about the rhyme
and the rhythm?"
"Oh, those little things could be ar
ranged. For instance, take the first two
lines of Byron's 'Maid of Athena:'
"Maid of Alliens, ere wc part,
Give, 0)1, give me back my heart
"Now, how simple the change and how
satisfactory:
"Maid of Athons, ere we sever,
Give, oh, give me back my liver!"
Youth's Companion,
Self Made, but Illiterate.
Charles Gcrvais, the great French cheese
merchant, who recently died in Paris, full
of years and honors and wealth, was a self
made man and no scholar. Last year he
stood forsoine municipal post in the de
partment of Seine-Inferieure, and in the
course of his campaign read a speech com
posed for him by a journalist of Koueu, be
ginning as follows: "As a candidate for
this important office comma fully un
derstanding your wants comma I come
to solicit your votes full stop. " The soribe
had written down the stops as a guide to
elocution, hut poor M. Gervais conscien
tiously delivered it as a part of his speech.
San Francisco Argonaut.
Effective Means.
Mr. Firstflat You don't suppose I feel in
the humor to discuss new dresses when
that demoniacal baby of yours has kept me
awake the whole night?
Mrs. Firstflat All right, dear, you need
not be brutal to the baby; we won't say
anything more about it. And, by the way,
darling, will you bring me up a small bot
tle of chloroform from down town with
youf Life.
Tommy's Strategy.
Mother Did you take your cod Bverollf
Tommy Yes, mam.
f ntheiVnn nm n Mini lirova llt.f.la W
for taking your cod liver oil so nicely.
Here Is a dime.
Father 1 in ' next room 1 Who the Amrll
put oil in my inkstand? Texas Sittings.
Nothing to Worry About.
Old Gentleman My stare! Why are yon
smoking on that keg?
Ouarryman Arra, be alsy. This ain't
dynamite. It's nothin but powder. New
lork weekly.
Dashaway Here, uncle, Is an old sMrt
I've brought you.
Unole Bbony m bery much afraid, Bah,
dat shirt ain't gwine ter be big enough.
Dat shirt wants ter hoi' a good shied water
million. Dashaway But, Gnat Scott, uncle; you
can get a big watermelon in that shirt,
can't youf
Uncle Kbony Yes, sah. but It's got ter
Why Delaware's Boundary Is Clrcnlar.
The northern boundary line of Dela
ware is circular because the charter
given to Penn states that Pennsylvania
was to be "bounded on the east by the
Delaware river from 18 miles distant
north of Now Castle town nntil the three
and fortieth degree of north latitude,"
and that the southern boundary was to
be "a circle drawn at 18 miles distant
from the town of New Castle northward
and westward nntil the fortieth degree
of north latitude and then by a straight
line westward," This makes a circular
boundary for northern Delaware una
voidable, and the facts above set forth
explain a geographical curiosity that has
puzzled many students. St. Louis Re
public. A Word For Farmer.
The great drawback on many farms to
the highest success with cows is the
want of good pasture. Many pastures
are stocked with early grasses which
give a fair amount of feed early in the
season, but after the last of July begin
to fail, and through the remainder of the
season afford but scanty feed. There is
but one way for the farmer to bridge
this chasm of poor pasturage, by adopt
ing a partial soiling system that is, to
get near the full benefit of his dairy.
Lewiston Journal.
Mutual Iteertmination.
Cora I hear you keep bad company.
Jack (fiercely) Tell me who said it,
and HI shoot 'em! I'd rather be slan
dered myself than to have one talk about
your being bad. darling! Exchange.
FAR AND WIDE.
Not on thli broad continent alone, bntl n ma
larial breeding tropical regions, in Guatemala,
Mexico, SoulhAmericu, the Isthmus of Panama
and elsewhere, Hofltetter'B Stomach Bitten af
fords to inhabitants and sojourners protection
iifrainst malaria. The miner, the freshlv arrived
Immigrant, the tiller of the virgin soil newly
robbed of it lorests by the axe of the pioneer,
find In the superb anti-febrile specific a pre
server against the poisonous miasma which in
vast districts rich In natural resources is yet
fertile in disease. It annihilates disorders of
the stomach, liver and bowels, fortifies those
who use it against rheumatic ailments bred and
fostered by outdoor exposure; Infuses genial
warmth into a frame chilled by a rigorous tem
perature, and robs of their power to harm morn
ing and evening mists and vapors laden with
hiirtfuiness: strengthens the weak, and con
quers incipient kidney trouble.
r.astcrn Girl-We have the cradle that my
grandfather was rocked in. Western Girl We
have the hoots that my grandfather died In.
COLORADO
Is a splendid place for people with weak
lungs, but thousands of people in that con
dition cannot possiblv go to Colorado.
There is not one, however, who cannot
aeep a supply 01 Alioock's Poioob Pias
ter. Th nmmonl ant, .u.. u-
-..-...v... oj jtoio Luai
haB taken oold one of these world-renowned
1 1.AHTEK8 snouia oe put on the back be
tween the shoulder-bladeB, and another on
the cheet.
These will serve two purposes. Thev
will protect the delicate lungs, and will
also relieve the congestion occasioned by
the oold. '
Aluocx's Poboob Flastebs keep the
pores of the skin open, and assist nature
111 her remedial work. They neither burn
nor blister, anri en ha,n'il.nl
slight inoonvenienoe.
bkandbetii'8 niM cleanse the system.
" '8 'nr daughter fond ol the piano, Hiekst"
No; she's very unkind to our piauo. She beats
It two hours a day at least."
BOITT'B SCHOOL FOB BOYS,
Mlllbrae, San Mateo county, Cal., prepares boys
- 7---""-'i. viinuiuiieH aumiiiea
to the State and Stanford Universities without
examination. Next term bogius Januarv 2 Ikiu.
bend lor catalogue. Ira G. Hoitt, Mi. D.lMaeter.
taking the eight quarts that make it.
Stats or Ohio, citt of Toledo,
Lucas County. J M'
Fhank J. (Ihknky litukes oath that he Is the
senior partner of the lirm of . J, I'heney & Co.,
doing business in the citv of Toledo, county and
State aforesaid, and that said firm will pay the
sum o( ONE HUNDKED HOLLARS for each
and every case of Catakrh that eanuot be cured
by the use of Hall's Catabkh cukk.
FRANK J. CHENEY.
Sworn to before me and subscribed In my
presence this titn day ol December, A. D. 1886.
ALl A. W. G1.KASON,
,., . Notary Public.
Hal 's Catarrh Cure is taken in.urT,uii. anA
acts directly on the blood and mucous surfaces
of the system. Send for testimonials, free.
I. J. CHliNJSY 4 CO.,
w , Toledo, 0.
W Sold by druggists; 76 oents.
Dae Enameline Stove Polish ; no dust, no smell.
Thy Gkrmia ter breakfast.
Fresh Air and Exercise.
Get atl that's
possible of
both, if in
1 j n 1 -
strength
and nerve
force. There s need,too, of plenty
of fat-food,
Scott's Emulsion
of Cod Liver Oil builds up flesh
and sttenjrth quicker than anv
other preparation known to sci
ence;. Scott's Emulsion constantly ef
fecting Cure of Consumption,
Mronchitis and kindred diseases
where other methods f am.
Prspsrsd hy Soott A Bnwns. IE Y. All druggists.
I II film ITORSon iNBTALLHSNTt. Best makes.
lHfllwest prices. Send for catalogue.
. BfcACH, KtuoM. ul.
Hood's8a;Cures
"I Suffered Several Years
With rheumatism. I took Hood's Sarianarllln
and feel better than I have for years. My wife
hod a bad case of catarrh and was nnn.
ildercd Incurable She took confidence from
me nenent 1 bod received from the use ol
Hood's Sarsaparilla
and after takinj four bottles of the medicine
sue is entirely well." w. H. Hakley, Pull-
"r Wash. Be sure to get Hood's.
HOOrJ'S PUIS CUre liver Ills. Sick hiflrBha.
jaundice, Indigestion Try a box. 25c.
They all Testify
To lbs Efficacy
of lbs
Swiff's
Specific.
The old-time iimol
1 remedy from the QeontU
Bvvamna Bud fields has
gone forth to the antipodes.
astonisriuui toesKDticai and
ooniounalnff the tbeones
those who depend solely on the
DTrUCian'sSaUll. There is no blood
taint which it does not Immediately
eradicate. Poisons outwardly absorbed or the
result of Tile diseases from within all yield to thb
potent but simple remedy. It Is an nnequaled
tonic, bnlldsnp the old and feeble, cares all diseases
arising from Impure blood or weakened TteUitj.
wuu J.ur a irwuse. aramine me proot.
Books on " Blood and Skin Diseases " iioalled treat.
3ruffffUU Sell It,
SWIFT SPECIFIC CO.,
Drawer 3, Atlanta, Oa.
"German
Syrup"
Two bottles of German
j y :
curea me oi nemorrnaee of the
Lungs when other remedies faUed.
I am a married man and. rhirtv-ai-
years of age, and live with my wife
and two little girls at Durham, Mo.
I have stated this brief and plain so
that all may understand. My case
was a bad one, and I shall be glad
to tell anyone about it who will
write me. Philip L. ScMBrcer. P
O. Box?. April 2S. 1800. No msn
could ask a mote honorable, business-like
statement.
LANG & CO.,
-importers-WHOLESALE
CROCERS,
TOBACCONISTS,
AND
General Commission Merchants.
-OFFICE AND WAREHOUSE
2, 4, 6 and 8 North First Street.
9. II, 13 and IS Ankeny Street,
PORTLAND, OR.
Wfl DIT menial ntt.AItHnn tn (ha Bala Af
wnaiw rn jinraii5!Siu. Hena as urn-
!! nf U hll anil isr ok will -nn
highest market prices either Id Portland,
isooiuk or san trranciseo.
Liberal Advances Made on Bills of
Lading.
Correspondence solicited.
MRS WINiilW'S SOOTHING
iiiiw iiuivhvii V QTRUr
- FOR CHILDREN TEETHING
ForsalebyeJlWi'unrlj.u. lib Call a betUs,
DROP
II I HJ
if in vm
"A FAIR FACE MAY PROVE A FOUL BAR
GAIN." MARRY A PLAIN GIRL IF SHE USES
SAPOLIO
RHEUMATISM CURED BY THE USE OF
Itloore's Revealed Remedy.
2E,SA,28M.t"lmI ? ored entirety ol INFLAMMATORY EHIU.
MATUm tan the beat doctor! oorud get did Him no good. Youi is iratltid
HUH. I, V. RslLI,
OKD OU DHHiq,
Brooklyn Hotel
201-212 Bush St., San Francisco.
Home Comforts! Cuisine Unexcelled 1
First-clou service and the highest standard ol
respectability luaranteed. Our rooms cannot bt
surpassed tor neatnent and comfort. Board and
room per day, 1.26, l.SO,1.76 and 12.00: board
and room per week, 7 to 112; single rooms too
toll, free coach to and from hotel.
J. H. GOING & CO.,
Importers, Wholesale and Retail
Dealers, for
STOVFfl t A lis re
Table Cutlery, Tin and Wooden Ware. Dairy
cash. Country trade a specialty.
148 Tninl Strait, Portland, Oregon.
business than has ever been known, because of
the prolonged depression In all lines. Those
who attend the PORTLAND BUSINESS COlLEOt
now, will be prepared for good positions when
this coming wave of prosperity sweeps over the
land. Send for catalogue. AddreBs A. P. AM
stbom). Principal, Portland, Oregon.
MASQUERADES, PARADES,
A.tlATEIJK THEATHICAI.il.
Everything in the above line. Costumes, Win.
Beards, Properties, Opera and Play Books, etc.
furnished at greatly reduced rates and in supe
rior quality by the oldest, largest, best renowned
and therefore only reliable Theatrical Sumjiv
ifoiue on ike Pacifc Ooau. Correspondence so
licited. Goldctiiii k Co., 26, 28 and 80 O'Farrsll
street, also 822 Market street, San Francisco. W
supply ol! TheaUn on the Coast, to whem we re.
specttully refer.
DOCTOR
THE GREAT CURE
FOR
INDIGESTION
-AND-
CONSTIPATION.
Regulator of the Liver and Kidneys
-A SPECIFIC FOB
Scrofula, Rheumatism,
Salt Rheum, Neuralgia
And ill Other Blood ind Skin Diseases.
It Is a positive cure for all those painful, deli
cate complaints and complicated troubles and
SflalMUMHini1nni.nin..-A...l .1
. "uu Hum, uui IT. via, jiiuuien
and daughters.
tne erlect is Immediate and lasting. Two or
TnFMifiruiiiainfI.il DiananUn. 1 1 , .7
. Anvni o iKMBir utsen daily
keeps tbe blood cool, the liver and kidneys act-
all traces ol Bcrof ula, 8aU Rheum, or any other
form of blood disease.
No medicino ever introduced to this country
has met with such ready sale, nor given snch
universal sattsisction whenever used as that ol
Db. Pabdbe's Kbmbdt.
This remedy has been used In the hospital!
live veare as a specific for the above diseases,
and it has and will cure when all other so-called
remedies fail.
Bend for pamphlet of testimonials from those
who have been cured by its use. Druggist sell
it at lim tior hnttlo TS-v, it k. ?.! 1
For sale by
MACK & CO.,
0 and II Front St., 8a n Franoiioe.
DR. GUNffS
IKFBOTID
LIVER
PILLS
I MILD PHYSIC
ONE PILL FOR A DOSE.
A movement of the bowsli each dar Is neceeury fat
health. These pllU eopply wht the system leaks to
Hi" ' regular, i ney cure neaascaa, oriiDieo tarn
Eyes sad olesr the Complexion better thux os
other pills do. To oonvlooe you of their merit wt
will mall ssmplei free, or a rail box for 36 oenta. 8ol4
IT
IF YOUR BUSINESS DOES NOT PAY.
Chickens are easily and successfully
raised by using the Petal u ma In
cubators and Brooders. Our 11-
liintratfii (ifttAlntmo tuiiu nil iknm it
Pardee's Reieiy,
ehmm
Don't buy any but the Petaluma If you want strong, vigorous chicks.
We are Pacific Goaet Headquarters for Bone and Clover Cutters, Mark
ers, Books, Capon ill ng Tools, Fountains, Flood's Roup Cure, Morris
Poultry Cure, Creosoaone the great chicken-lice killer and everyotber
article required by poultry raisers. See the machines in operation at
our exhibit with the Norwalk On.trlch Farm, Midwinter Fair, hatching
ostriches and all kindu of eggs. Catalogue free; if you want it, write
to us. PETAtUMA INCUBATOR CO.,
750-762 64 756 Mala street, PetaluniaCal.
hoi' me too. Clothier and furnisher.
tt. P. N. TJ. No. 520 -8. F. . VS. Ho. 597