The Lebanon express. (Lebanon, Linn County, Or.) 1887-1898, April 02, 1887, Image 1

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She cbanon xprtsisi.
ltaued every Saturday.)
J. H. STINK .,
rRMs or BcssrairTtoN:
One Yer
K.t Month
Three Mouths
ri 00
(Payable in advance )
1 5)
One nqimrr, Itrst Insertion . . .
Eai-h additional Inivrtitm
Loral Kotlre. Jer line Is eents
Regular advertisement Inserted upon llleral
All dearrlpMona of Jo Printing dime on short
..mi... i ...... I uinV t'lr. iitr. Kuslnew lar '.
Billheads, Letterheads posters er...exeeiited In
foMl atyle anJ al Ulwest liYinjt pitees.
CAN WOM F.N KlVAl m en ?
As Aaaartlon In tho Am. mat I va by an Kml-
aont Phyalelan.
The Diamond Worn by rromlntnl Haw
York rolltlclana.
I stand bv tha statement that women
could, bv training and change ot social
custom, rival men. I am ready to ad
nit that a race of women could be
trained by whom leaving out the fac
ulty of invention in mechanical con
struction, about which there may be
some reservation all the labors of men
could be terformed. But I admit a
fully that for such an end to be attained
certain modification would be necessary
which all persons might not enjoy nor
feel Inclined to patronize. It is only
fair to point out, without bins, what
these modifications would introduce in
to the civilized human family. The
first necessary modification would have
relation to dress. A pettieoatea genera
tion could never do the full work of t
generation whose limbs were free ot
petticoat incumbrance. The practice
on the stage tells us that. In long pet
ticoats women could neither climb,
race, drive engines, walk, ride, work at
the bench, nor work at the lecture
table, the school, or the laboratory,
with the facility of men as men are at
tired. Whatever, therefore, there is of
elegance in the present form of female
attire, that must be sacrificed to the
necessities of competition with men in
the work common to men. It may be
that there is not much to be said
against this change. It may be argued,
even by women, that the pulling along
of pounds' weight of clothes which lie
on the grouud and require, for com
fort, a page or waiting-maid to carry
them, is a tax of the worst kind on
Human endurauce; to women a plague,
to men a joke. It may be that the
modern woman's absurd fashionable
dress, which turns her into a semi
erect dromedary, is not all that could
be desired; but for her to play her part
as the rival of man in work she must
change dress altogether, and be left as
free of limb as men. If she is not to be
eo far emancipated, then she bids fair
to remain as she has been all along the
course of time, a woman; a human be
ing, by the common consent of man
kind in relation to dress, restrained by
dress; a woman proud of her grand
robes, content to bear the weight of
them, content to tolerate the incon
venience of them, and content to suffer
herself to be admired under all such
unnecessary paius and penalties. To
many women it would be a great
sacrifice to give up these outward and
visible signs of women's dignity and
women's destiny, for dtgmty unit destiny
in her case combine. The dress she
wears under the regime of woman, the
mother of men and women, is the sign
of the destiny which holds her from the
active work "of men, and which affords
her the opportunity for bedecking her
sell so as to fulfill her destiny with ele
gance and fascination. Bui at work in
creation to compete with men tho flow
ingand embarrassing dress must go;
the milliner must seek a new trade; ihr
Kvtki of fashion must be consigned to
the fashion of books; they must be
placed on the shelf, and ingenuity of a
new order must invent a new style of
picturesque female clothing adapted to
the new kind of life. If women are to
spend their lives in occupations com
monly followed by men they and the
world must submit to another modifica
tion. They must compromise also in
the matter of what is called personal
Politicians who flourished In "Boss"
Tweed's time were considered small fry
ndeed if they put in an appearance on
momentous state occasions without
diamond ornaments. The decoration
that proved a citizen to be a true blue
of the Tammany tribo was the Americtis
Club tiger, with eyes of flashing bril
liants. But if the golden tiger were
there it made little difference whether
his eves were diamonds, rubies, opals.
or emeralds.
Diamonds have always been in more
general use among Democratic states
men than among Kepuuueans, anu
young aspirants lor power anu piace
are more partial to mem man me oiu
veterans. John Kelly never wore a
diamond ornament, and in bis late
years Samuel J. Tilden decked his per
son with no other jewels man piain
pearl studs. When a young man be
wore diamonds in prolusion ot me most
beautiful and expensive types, but he
alwavs kept within the limits ot the
severest taste.
Abram S. Hewitt never wears dia
monds, and neither does Theodore
Roosevelt nor Henry George, in fact,
the men who have filled the mayoralty
chair during the last twenty years were,
with scarcely an exception, remarkable
Jeannette'a Hair.
O. loosan the eurta lhat you wear. Jeannetta,
l,.t ma tan) tny nana m your nmr, n.y
For tha world In mn had no daintier sight
Than your brown hair veiling- your shoulders
1 was brown, with a smitten ifloaa, Jeannette,
li wes Oner than the alia or noaa. my tw.
Tas it thins to tx braided, ami Jeweled, and
"Twae the loveliest hair In the world, my pet.
My arm was the arm of a elown. Jeannetta,
1. wna sinewy, brlailed. anl brown, my pat,
m waimly ami ll loved tocir.
Your round wblio inch and your wealth Ot
Tour beautlfnt plenty of hair, my pet.
Your eyes hail a swimming glory, Jennnetta,
H aifua- llif old. dear atory, my eij
They were fray, wllh the euaatuned llwre or
When tne trout leape qulrkeat to snap the fly,
Aud they mulched your golden balr.
And your Hps but I bava no wordj, Jeau-
They were fresh as tha twitter of birds, my
When the spring Is young and tha roses are
With the dewilropa In each red wam a-t.
And tbey suited your gold-brown hair, my pet.
O. you tangled my life In your hair, Jean
nelt". Twaaa li ken ami anlrien anara. mr Det.
. . - -- - - ... ...j
uut S gentle iua miieing", mj rm utu
for the simplicity of their dress and the
absence of jewel ornaments ol a showy
beauty. Dr. KicJtarason, tn juung
fnan's Magazine.
w 4i-w-- . e
'A A"' '
J y
or expensive character. Mayors Grace.
Cooper, Ely. and Uavemeyer never ap
peared at the City Hall in diamond
studs. Mayor Wickhaui displayed dia
mond studs and collar buttons very fre
quently, but Mayor Edson never wore
them except in lull evening dress.
Uoswell 1. Flower is a sworn enemy
to diamonds as articles of persoual
ornament- lie has been frequently
heard to say:
Persons who require jewels to show
off their tioints. or to draw off attention
" .... . .:.:!
lroin natural ueiecis. are to oe piueu
rather than complimented. Diamouds
are all very well for sporting men aud
Notwithstanding this very positive
expression of opinion. Mr. Flower is the
owner of a beautiful diamond of the
purest water, which he wears every
day. It is set in a heavy gold ring
worn on the second linger of his left
hand. The diamond is always carried
on the inside, aud cannot be seen un
less the hand is oHued out. His inti
mate friends suppose it to be nothing
more than a main told ring. Mr.
Flower wears it because it is a present
trom bis wife.
None of the judges of the higher
courts in this jurisdiction make a show
of jewelry, but it is different among the
magistrates who pivside iu the police
courts. J. Henry Ford has the reputa
tion of being the bett dressed man on
the police bench. He is a good judge
of diamontls and owns many valuable
sets. Justice llatterson wears diamond ,
studs regularly, aud Justices Murray
anil Duffv occasionally.
! John J. O'Brien. Robert G. McCord,
and Barney Biglin, the celebrated "boy
I trio" of Republicans, emulate one
I another in the size and quality of the
1 diamonds they display, "shed Shook,
the lic-piiblicaii leader in the Fifteenth
distrit u carries off the palm from them
all. Everybody who frequents the
Morion II. .me must have seen and ad
mired Ins gl.OOO solitaire, which weighs
lour aud a naif carats.
Several of the statesmen who were
elected to Congress recently are
wearers of costly jewels. "Tim" Camp
bell's Hiiirt-froul is covered over with a
clu.-ter an inch square. His friends say
the ciuter is composed of diamonds of
pure water valued al t'j.iW, out uis
Himcui toes ucclare they are paste
jewels w inch can be duplicated in the
Bowery tor it) irius.
Cttugi-eMiiiaii-eIect Amos J. Cuui-
miis a;ears in very Biuall and neat
diamoti'l uuU on dress occasions, but
CoiitrrcMtuian lruian A. fllernman
luniks he is a big diamond himself and
needs no foreign adornment. Bourke
Cockrati has a liking for diamond studs.
Gen. iSpiiioia and Lioyd Bryce are satis
fied with diamond collar-buttons. Perry
Belmont rarely displays a diamond,
and then only very small studs in even
ing dress. Tom"' Grady will sport
diamonds in 1S88.
The most gorgeous and beautiful dia-
monds worn by" public men in this -iiy.
which cannot be classed as loud, are
probably those which dock the persons
of Police Commissioner John J. Mo
Clave and Richard M. Walters, the
Tammany brave, Mrs. McClave wears
a pair of diamond ear-rings which
arouse envy in the breast of every lady
in the house when she enters a theatre.
As she twists her pretty head around
hen the lights are turned low tney
Kb! to eonilnue yur slave evermore.
With my finger ei.meaiied la your hair, my
Thna ever 1 tlream what you were. Jeannette,
With your II pa, and your eyea, and your balr,
my p !.
In the HHiknes of deaolale years t moan.
A"d my tettra fall bitterly over the atone
That "Vers j'uur golden h"lr, my twt.
Min e O Rellley.
Mrs. Handy stood before her dressing-room
mirror arranging her toilet
for dinner, it was to be only the usual
family repast, bnt she seemed to be
taking extra pains with her apearance.
as women generally do when they have
a point to gain with their husbands.
She listened rather nervously when
ever the hall bell rang, and kept glanc
ing uneasily at the little onuulu clock
on the table. When the hands reached
six, an expression of relief stole over
her countenance; and then, as they
crept slowly onward, it deepened al
most to one of exultation.
Five minutes past six." she murmur
ed. "At least he won't be able to find
fault with me now. How fortunate!
Mary." to the girl who was passing the
door, "bow is the dinnerP"
"All right, mum." replied Mary,
Vonsiderin' cook's new to the place.
She's doin her best.
Mrs. Handy gave the last deft touches
to her frizzes, not so anxiously now as
when she began her toilet, drew a
luxurious chair to the window and
commenced to read a novel, as she
turned each leaf glancing impatiently
at the clock.
At length she ceased to read, and an
expression of vexation settled upon her
This is the second time in three
months that he has been late for din
friendly with Dick as you used to be.
At least, lie doesn't come as often now
as formerly," said Mrs. Handy, reproach
fuijy. He has bad business to occupy him."
Business again I You men have that
word on the tip of your tongue as an
excuse for everything. And that re
minds mo that you have not told tne
what business detained you to-uay
twenty minutes past our dinner-hour. '
"l told you I was doing business for
a. friend."
"Was vour friend a a man or a
woman P''
A man."
"1 knew you would say that What
was the use of asking such a question P"
"Then why did you askP But, for
mercy's sake. Flora, let us have done
with this absurd talk and sit down to
dinner. It Is half-past six." looking
Again impatiently at bis watch.
1 shall not be able to eat a nmuth
fut 1 wouldn't be surprised if you've
been paying off some debts lor jewelry
for some woman whom you call 'a
friend. Nice friend for a married man!
And now i and the poor childreu may
beg lit vain for a little money to buy
shoes to our feet "
"I tell yon there Is no woman in the
caset" said Mr. Handy, angrily. "And
as you seem determined to make a fuss
over the matter. 1 will inform you that
the friend of whom 1 speak, and in
whom I am much interested, has been
engaged in some wild seculation. and
been templed to make use of money not
belonging to him "
"There. I said so!" interrupted Mrs.
Handy, triumphantly. "And you've
been lending him money to replace
what he sloie."
'1 have lent him money, and have
offered myself as security from the debts
coutract "
What! So. for the sake of a wretch
like that vou have reduced your wife
and children to beggary! Who is it.
rray, that has made such a fool of you?
have no patience with such mild
minded folly!" cried Mrs. Handy, de
If" von roust know, madam." replied
her husband, turnin full upon her, "it
is vour brother. Richard Man ey."
Mrs. Handy started as though she had
received a blow.
"Brother Dick? Oh. Ilenrv! you can't
be in earnest, surely? You're uot speak
ing toe truth?"
I ant sorry to say that I am. Dick
has been weak and imprudent, yielding
to bad counsel and a moment's temp
tation, but" his wife exhibited signs
of swooning "don't worry over it- I
have made it (til right, and there is now
no danger of exiHure and disgrace;
and. as to the rest, he has suffered too
much not to be on his guard for the
"And vou oh, Henry, how good and
noble you are! And can vou ever for
give vour unworthy wife?"
The next moment the pair were lock
ed in each others arms; and Mrs. Handy
she murmured to herself. "Real- was hysterically soboing out her emu- j '
A New Orleans gambler calls his
assets "E Pluribus Uiium" won from
Capital punishment Being oblised
to sit with the girls. Burlington Free
A genius In Troy has Just Invented a
stove that saves ' three-oiiHrtei of the
wood, while the ashes it makes pays for
the remainder. Huston liudgel.
"Is the czar about to strike?" asks au
exchange. What's the matter with
Alexander? Does he want two hours a
day and a 10 per cent raise? I ntla
detphta CalL
"Look here, Joseph, I have been ring
ing an hour, and you've only just
come." "Well, if 1 hadn't been here
now you might have rung n good while
longer." Judge.
Why are you going into that dry
goods shoo when there are so many
nreltv irirls on the streetP" "My dear
boy, I find counter attraction in there."
BotUtn Budget.
"Whom shall our daughters marry?"
asks the Woman Journal. Yeu, dear,
they might begin with a man. and if he
don't answer they might try a cigar
sign. -Jirseu Vtty Argut.
A "1 thought you were a vegetarian,
and now 1 see you eating muttou!" B
"Well. I sin only au indirect vege
tarian I eat the meat of such animals
only as live on vegetable food." t'lte
gende Btaelter.
Young Physician "I assure you I
shall be able'to cure you completely in
a very short time, indeed. tMsibly in a
dav or two." Enamored Patient O.
there isn't the slightest hurry, 1 assure
you!" Harper" iazar.
A traveling man from the East sprung
the following conundrum on a tiera d
reporter the other day: "Why is a
banana stand like the setting sun?"
"Because the 'dago's' (day goes) with
It." St. Jottph Uera'd.
"Gracious!" exclaimed a rural lady
with a surprised Ittok at Bartholin's big
statue, "and is that the tiotidess of Lib
erty? Why, 1 hnd no idea that she was
so "much bigger than the rest of us wo
men." Somstou n Herald,
They were talking of the baby. V tail
or 1 think he'll take after his father.
Grandmother O, dear me! 1 hope not.
Visitor (astonished) Why not, Mrs.
Flighty? Grandmother llis father is
in Canada Lou-ell L'Uten.
"Now, Johnny, you remember that
Lot's wife was changed to a pillar of
salt because she turned aud looked back.
Why did she turn and look b it k?" "O.
Is' pose some oilier woman passed her
with a new dress on." Humbler.
Scrap of conversation between two
ladies overheard ou a suburban train
a few mornings siuce: So George is at
Harvard uow?" "0. yes; this is bis
second year, you known; he has just
entered tue sycamore ciaaa. Aitv
"You have insulted me, sir, and I
demand an apolosrv." angrily said one
politician to another. "HowP Inquired
the other. "You said I was a liar, sir."
"O, did IP" '"Yes. sir, you did, and I
want an a oology." "Well, you can
have it. I'll tako It back. 1 don't
know whether you are a liar or not."
"Thanks. Come, have something."
Washington Critic
Bagley "Ah, De Baggs! where art
thou going with the hobby'horseP" De
Baggs ""I is for little Jimmy, my
yomi gest sprout." Bagley (sagely)
It's' costly business to have children."
Do Baggs (gloomily) "I should say so.
Every time I si art out to buy a 10-cent
toy I meet somebody I know and then
away goes a dollar or two for cigars and
beer." lkUadvtphta Call.
It was at an evening party. Mr. D.
St. George Smith was reciting a jxiem
consisting of forty-six stanzas. Mr.
Brown, a guest, comes in lnte. "What's
going on? he whispered to llriggs.
Smiih's reading a new poem. He has
just tin' hed the thirtieth stanza, an
swered Briggs, savagely. "What is the
subject -the motive?' "I don't know
what the subject is, but 1 susjiect his
motive must iit revenge. 1 can't see
any other reason for it- ' The Judge.
Her majesty." writes a London cor
respondent, "eats at slate dinners with
out gloves. The reason for that is at
once apparent. It enables her majesty
to get a belter grip on the wing oi a
chicken. In wrestling with the com
mon lien of commerce at the dinner
table she must be handled without
gloves, or the battle is lost. Gloves
would also l very much in the way
when her majesiv desired to clutch au
ear of corn by each end. Ihe lip and the
lobe, so to speak, while she gnawed at
it amidships. You see. there are a
hundred emergencies lhat might arise
liurinsr the progress of a state dinner
wherein gloves would be in the way. -
Brooklyn IC'tgle.
lv. it is loo vexatious! Ihe dinner-hour
tn. and he twenty minutes late! Aht
there lie is at last!"
The hali-bell had rung. Mrs. llandy
slipped her novel behind a cushion and
baste tied witn an air oi anxiety wwarui
the door.
"What is iu MarvP Anything hap
pened? Oh." its she caught sight oi
her husband, "it is you. is it?"
"Certainly! Handy replied, cheerful
ly. "Whom did you expect?"
"How should 1 know? ' replied his
wife, tragically. "It might have been
a doctor or a" policeman or goodness
knows what come to tell ine lhat my
husbantl had been run over, or blown
up with dynamite, or dropped dead in
the stree'.. or a thousam- other horrible
things. What else could 1 infer from
your coining homo so laie? Mary, bring
me mv hceiitboltle."
Mary otieyed. and, seeing the storm
brewing discreetly retired, but not far
ther than the outside of the door.
Mr. Handy, glancing at his watch,
was at no loss to account for his recep
tion. "Really, my dear, vou must excuse
roe. 1 have been particularly engageu
to-day with very troublesome business,
which was not concluded till nearly six.
It was to accommodate a friend, so you
roust make allowance "
"Oh. of course." his wife interrupted,
you could accommodate a friend, for
getting that your wife was at home suf
fering sgonies on your account, to say
nothing of tho dinner spoiling and the
servants wasting their time in waiting.
I am not blessed with a constitution of
iron, and 1 must say that five minutes
of such anxiety and suspense is enough
to rob a woman of two months of her
I am sor.-y. Flora; but, you know,
this is the first time for some months
that I have not been punctual. And
glitter and sparkle like a lantern in the surely you would uot have me neglect
Hon. J. M.. Rusk, who has been re
elected Governor of Wisconsin, is the
present incumbent of that office, having
served two terms. He has been an emi
nently efficient and popular official, but
would not possibly have been nominated
for a third term had he not been violent
ly attacked by the Anarchist and So
cialist element ior nis course during uw j
riots last Spring in Milwaukee. Many j
influential Democrats supported him, ;
among them Judge A. Scott Sloan, Judge :
Bralev, Alexander Mitchell, John Johns- j
ton. President of the Chamber of Com- j
merce; Abner Kirby, one of the pioneer ;
Mayors of the city, George Hiles, a
prominent lumberman, and many of the
leading merchants of Milwaukee and
other cities.
Cuban planters keep a snake called
the mat a for the purpose of catching
rats, which duty it faithfully perform.
chamber of a coal mine. They are gems
of rare beauty and hisrh value.
Captain Williams wears big diamonds
in the evening, as docs also ex-Police
Superintendent Kelso. Sheriff Grant
cares nothing for diamonds, but Reg
ister John Reillv. Tom Costigan. Nick
Muller. Jim Barker. Roliin M. Squire,
and Martin B. Brown love them dearly.
Mr. Charles Sleekier, brother of the
judge, wears a diamond solitaire val
ued at $1,500. Lawyer William F.
Howe wears a cluster" not quite as big
as a buckwheat cake, and little Lawyer
Hummel wears very neat diamonds.
He received a present of a uew set from
Lord Lonsdale. Joseph J. O'Donohue,
the Tammany chieftain, wears very
prettv diamond studs. Robert B. Noon
ey, the President of the Board of Alder
men, and Ilenrv W. Beekman. the
j president-elect, both grace their bosoms
witn emu-nun eeuu. "
One of the most important industries
of the day is the canning trade, ana
Maryland and California are the prin
einul cannin? states. Maryland alone
irives employment to 60,000 persons in
canning fruits and oysters, the estimate
being 150,000.000 cans annually. The
nrin ii:tl eaiiiiiiiw in California is fruit
and salmon. Louisiana. Mississippi
and Florida are :do assuming some
importanc e in the canning of pineap
ples, oi auses and similar products.
T,.i:t. eonisis sav there is a marked
falling otV in the cigarette habit in New
York. Tue pipe is becoming the lasti
I'ion again.
mpoYtant business merely to avoid the
slight annoyance of keeping dinner
waiting for a few moments.'
OU. no, certainly not," repuea nis
wife, with a toss of her head. "I beg
that you will never think of me in the
least or take into consideration any
trouble . - inconvenience that I may suf
fer from having my household affairs
disarranged, and being compelled to
take mv meals at all hours of the day
and night to the ruin of my health.
If I had remained in my happy home
with dear brother Dick instead of marry
ing "
And here Mrs. iianuy inteu ner uanu-
kerchicf to her eves.
"Flora," said Mr. llandy, impatient
ly, "how can you be so absurd, merely
because 1 happened to oe a tew mo
ments late for dinner? I
I beg your pardon. Mr. nandy. it
was tM jfflecn minutes! A nice time
for the head of a family to come home
o dinner; and setting inch an example
to poor innocent little Regie! The last
time you were only ten minutes too late.
If it goes on so, 1 have no doubt that
it will be an hour next and then a day
or a week, until it ends in your staying
away altogether from your family."
Pshaw! Flora, don't talk so fool
tions on her husband's shoulder, while
be gently soothed her.
t ome, let us forget all this," he said
kindly, and go to dinner at once, un
less it is already spoiled. It is now a
quarter to s. ven thirty minutes past
our reeular dinner-hour.
"Y-e-s." said Mrs. llandy. slowly, as
she wiped the tears from her eyes, ap
parently in no haste for the long-delayed
meal "yea; but you know you came
in fifteen minutes loo late."
"Certainly; but you can forgive that
now that yo'u know the cause?'
"Of course I can! Only I only wish
ed to explain lhat cook "was impudeut
to-day. as vou know she has been be
fore; so 1 thought best to order her right
off and send to the registry office for
another. The new cook didn t come
until late, and I feared vou would be
annoyed when vou came borne and
found that
Here Mrs. Handy colored, and looked
rather embarrassed.
"That what?"
"That dinuer won't be ready till half
past seven."
Handv eazed at his wife in silence.
then walked to the window and looked
out His feelings were too deep for ex
pression; yet he did mutter to himself:
Of all created beings women are the
And Mary, softly rising from her
knees outside the door, repaired to the
kitchen to inform the new cook of the
state of things upstairs, and to remark
She'll be as sweet as susrar now and
WW the next tune! And, my patience.
what fools men are. anyway!
A Quest Ion of Speed.
Jabe Mathis, of the Thirteenth
Georgia, was a good soldier, but one
tlav. when the Confederates were re-
treating trom the gory ueiu oi oenys
n.n,l, firatod a. little nervously some other ivorv-iawed monster
.UilB. UitUU , mugvv - 1 -
htirtr. Jabe threw his musket on ihe
cround. seated himself bv the roadside.
and exclaimed with much vehemence:
"I'll be dashed if I walk another Btep!
I'm broke down! I can't do it!" And
Jabe was tho picture of despair. "Git
up. man!" exclaimed his captain, "don't
vou know the Yankees are following
us? They'll git you. sure!" "Can't help
it" said Jabe, "I m done for; 1 11 not
walk another step!" The Confederates
nassed alone over the crest of a hill
and lost siffht of poor, dejected Jabe.
In a moment there was a fresh rattle of
musketry and a renewed crash of shells.
Suddenly Jabe appeared on the crest
of the hill moving like a hurricane and
followed by a cloud of dust As he
dashed past his captain that officer yel
led: "Hello. Jabe; thought you wasn t
coin? to walk any more?" "Thunder,"
renlied .Jaoe. as no nit tne mist wmi
renewed viffor: vou don't call this
walking, do you?"' Savannah Sews.
Near Colusa. Cal.. recently an arrow
point made of ivory was extracted from
the breast of a erooso shot on the wing.
As there are no savages nearer than the
Arctic regions with whom ivory is
plenty, the conclusion is that the arrow
was made irom tne tooia oi a wairua or
with tha lace of her dress.
"I've bad an idea that Dick might
come to dinner. Have you seen him
Yes," replied ber husband curtly.
"Then why didn't you bring him to
dinner? Seems to me you're not as
shot into the breast of the bird by an
Candidate for Coroner "Never mind,
wife, when I get elected my fees will
buv us all the comforts of lite." Wife
"But John, suppose there are no
sudden deaths?" Candidate for Coroner
O. well, we won t look on the dark
side." ltd-iitts.
Gallant passenger (to fellow-passen
ger) Will you please tell that woman
that she can have mv seat? Woman
(indignantly) 1 am not a woman, sir;
1 am a lady. Gallant passenger (bland
ly) Not a woman? Excuse my mistake.
Ihtladeiphta Call.
Sue Fitzpercv has a large amount of
airy persiuage, romarxeu tue nign-
school girl. "Have you noticed it
Amy?" "I noticed she had a tremen
dous big bustle, Mildred, out t uidn t
know the dictionary word for it"
tWtsburg Chronicle-1 ttegraii.
What have vou been doing to-day?"
asked a younir man of the idol of his
cardiac "region. "I've been watching
mother darn clothes, replied the hrdv.
and Ihe young man went off and won
dered why her moiher needed watching
darn close. San tmucsco AAa.
Au unexpected comment: Piistor
En I savs again, brederin , put not
you trust in Kings!" Still small voice
in congregation "Kigtil yon is, enne.
right voh is. Aces is bettah. 'n dat's
do reason 1'se come ter chu'eh wivout
no obercoat dis tnawnin'." Tid-Uits.
A Lvnn clergyman relates that on one
occasion alter marrying a coupie au
envelope was handed to him which he
supposed, oi course, containeu ine iut-riage-fce.
On ojnming it he found a slip
of paper on which wits written: "We
desire your prayers." Lynn (.Voss.)
"Did you gain flesh by going to the
beach this year. Grantly "I did.
indeed, Brownley; gained 125 pounds."
"Pshaw! Impossible! "fact, my
dear fellow. Come up to the bouse
and I'll introduce you to her. We were
married last Sunday." Charlestown
We propose having a game supper
at our church next week," exclaimed a
spinster at tho opera-house entertain
ment the other night; "uow, wnai ainu
of game would you recommend?
Well, if vou want to draw all the boys.
suppose, vou try poker," calmly replied
Joseph Pickle." Eimira Oazttte.
A small bov on his first apinjarance
in a oar sn school at nocnester. in. j...
was asked if he knew the Lord's Pray
er. He replied that he had never
heard of it, whereupon an urchin at his
side, with a friendly desire to uxcuse
his ignorance, said to the teacher,
"Please, ma'am, he's a stranger from
Smallbore How did you manage to
gel the Common Council to grant the
franchise? Aid. Auger 'lhat was
simple enough. 1 judiciously intro
duced a few bills, that was all. Small
bore A few bills in the Common Coun
cil? Auger Yes, about twenty, I
think. Ten $1,000 and ten $500. Sew
York Graphic.
"I would like to get my life insured in
your company." said an aged man to
the president of a life-insurance oom-
. :uv.;", pany. "My near sir, we can i acwiu-
Esquimau. or perhaps by an inhabitant Pf you have orjly a short
time to live." "That's where yon are
of those polar regions which our world
has been unable to penetrate. The
point had been in the flesh for some
time, as the skin of the goose had grown
ovar tha arrow.
off. I'm the oldest inhabitant never
knew him to die, did youP" replied the
jolly old customer. Texa Sitings.
ThtlmprliH Whleh H'rn It Throagh
NaccMnIra Hue ot Oroatn.
Now. we don't mean the great bust
ness bustle which belongs to the early
fall and winter trade, nor the great
hustle f the humming and whirling
marl, nt niatitifttfturino' energy. We
mnnn tho erreat bustle of modern fash
Nothing has outstripped the bustle in
its gig ntic stride for prodigious excel
lence. It is paradoxical lhat this "out
ward form" of fashion, which has never
been literally in front has still left all
mod' stic rivals behind.
We can recall when this startlingly
reproductive fruit received the distinct
impetus whicn has borne it through
successive stages to the present extraor
dinary condition of development The
bustle got a wondrous initios from an
accident aud alarm of the war. We
have inteutly observed its onward
march toward immensity for more than
twenty years; and, now that it has
grown large enough to comprehend this
wimmpiiturr. we pay to its his tor io
origin our respectful compliments.
The bustle oi the war periou in tue
south was cut crescent-shaped, was
band-sewed, and was theu padded
through an open end with cotton or
sawdust It was a modest unobtrusive
bustle in its manners and when proper
ly adjusted was quite invisible to the
wearer and nearly so to tue worm.
Like certain lunar eclipses, it could be
viewed only from a very limited area.
When Sherman's Christian battalions
were beaten through the backways of
Georgia and the Carolinas it was
deemed, lor prudential reasons, best to
deposit domestic treasure, such as
money and valuables, where they would
not confront these patriot It was not
at first suspected that the soldiers would
appropriate these effect, but it was
feared that the gilt bric-a-brac, and
brooch, and bracelet jewelry might at
tract their admiration and impede their
march by tempting them to stop and
examine the precious wares.
When brought into full rolief by pow
erful field lenses it was at last seen that
Sherman's Christian battalions were an
armv of incontinent kleptomaniacs,
aud that new ingenuities would be in
constant need to escape their keen and
acute methods of detecting the secret
places of hidden treasures.
Hiding places were numerous in
truth, but their instincts for stealage
were quite as diverse and
At this crisis the bustle played
toric part
It became a safo-desposit for imperil
ed jewelry possessions.
Both cotton and sawdust bustles were
now brought, into a new use. They
were ripped and rid of their waste,
and then were rewaddetl, but this time
with small wares and valued gems.
Two abnormal effects followed, the first
being a disturbance of the symmetry
aud gravity of the former bustle, the
second being a mariteu increase in n
proKrtious. This made it the more
observable, and this, too, led to its
eventual detect ion by certian of the sol
diers, which discovery culminated in
the theft of many bustles,;together .with
their precious aud highly-prized con
tents. What was next to do?
Shrewd aud resourceful maidens soon
fell upon another device. There was
continual peril of loss while the bustles
were worn iu their allotted places upon
the person, but there was hope of escape
for them if they could be successfully
concealed elsewhere. But where, oh
where? In the house? No! for Sher
man entered with lurid fagots. In the
woods? No! for his marauders roosted
noon the boughs.
"So the noble women resolved to bury
their trinkets in the fields. The broad
acres thus became the depository of
their charms and treasures and the
earth covered up their bustles.
See yonder dune where the tasseled
stalk is nodding to the breeze and you
could hear the rustle of the corn-blade?
Well, once you could hear the rustle of
the bustle. See those tiny hills whence
the hopeful germ of the happy potato is
looking toward the sun? Well, those
little hills were once sown broadcast
with those beautiful suggestions of
dromedarial architecture known in the
parlance of worldly fashion as bus
tles. .
VThat became of them? ..; ... - -
We can not answer for them alL
Nor can we repress the thought that
had they all taken root and ripened and
risen in luxuriant loveliness what a
harvest of bustles there would have
have been! But like other tender and
precarious vegetation, bustles had to
take lueir chances ana more, too.
Some of them, as before, fell to the
cupidity of Sherman s Christian sol
diers, who relentlessly uprooted them;
other, after the passage of military
peril, were resurrected to be trans
planted elsewhere, and others still, be
ing unmarked, were never found by
those who had hastily and hopefully eu
tombed them.
But a great and unexpected day bad
dawned for bustles. Of the number
that were left in the earth a vast pro
portion of those which had been filled
with sawdust in time took root and ex
uberantly blossomed and nourished.
Tnose which had contained cotton,
however, went generally to seed.
We would say here that irorn mis
startling botanic phenomenon and the
mpressive date and situation we nave
been enabled to locate unmistakably
the rise and progress of the American
bustle; and we been convinced, too,
that nothing short of the most pertina
cious and painstaking care and watch
fulness could have brought this indis-'
pensable appurtenance of modern fe
male beauty to its present extraordi
nary size, vigor, aud variety.
We have not space to luuy presen
our deductions from the important cir
cumstances that surround the bustle or
from the beautiful physiological female
creations that stand immediately in
front of it We can not contrast the
early and almost nnnoticeable product
we saw pianien in tne past who iub
prodigious and illimitable fruit of our
days without the encroachment of won
der upon our inouguis ana suuiime anu
poetic tendency toward blank verse.
U we view tue matter in a practical
and dispassionate vein, we are forced
to the conviction that bustles make a
better crop for profitable or ornamental
farming than breadstuff's. We believe
there is no known abridgement to its
dimensions, and that faithful and as
siduous tillage will produce bustles of
good quality quite as large at least as
hot air balloons. There must be more
money in a crop of bustles of this size
than In several bales of cotton.
When the bustle has been developed
to iu probable limit we think the lady
who wears one will escape recognition
if not indeedobservation. On a re
cent visit to Augusta our attention was
called to a bustle of the pneumatic"
species. This is a graft of the bulb va
riety, and is filled with atmospheric oxy
gen. It was propelling a young lady be
fore it much as a perambulator is engi
neered by a nurse. The bustle was the
admiration of one of the main thor
oughfares of Augusta. The lady turned
to gaze upon the elegant stationary in
the Chronicle windows. Being then on
a profile the effect was at its best She
wore a terra cotta chimney of bat and
with the prolongation of her body
growing out of the new "pneumatic '
bustle resembled very closely a rural
summer cottage with a stove flue fixed
at one end. Modisticiar has indeed
trenched closely on anatomical perfec
tion when an exquisite female form
can be made to counterfeit a farm
shanty with a ventilating shaft at the
The department of agriculture will
confer a national blessing by distribut
ing the seed of this bustle free. We
should like to alternate the pneumatic
variety of adjustable bustle with Ber
muda grass or Bermuda onions.
Ureensboro (Go.) Uatne Journal.
The Greatness of Garrett.
The part that Robert Garrett bears
towards the social life of Baltimore is
large. He is rich, sociable and gener- -us.
He is a constant contributor to
private and public charities, and no
worthy relief fund escapes without a
large donation from him. Many Phila
delphiaos know what his hospitality is.
On unusual occasions his dinners are
very splendid affairs, but it is when he
entertains a half dozen friends, or
more, at his country house that he plays
the host in hi3 most genial and captiva
ting way. No man is better known in
Baltimore. It is a curiosity to see him
walk np Charles street He wears a
beaming smile and he seems to speak
tt an nthnr twrson be meets. The
quite as j otner d&y wnen be arrived from Europe
he started from the tock Exchange to
bis office, two squares distant It took
him over two hours to reach his office,
and when he did get there he had
shaken two hundred or three hutidred
hands and had talked to several hun
dred persons without giving them the
slightest reason why Baltimore and Ohio
stock had jumped up a dozen points the
first dav he arrived in Baltimore. As
to Mr. Garrett's muoh-discussed clothes,
it is sufficient to say that he is an
ointnontlv well-dressed man. He is
given to the acquirement oi tne uuesw
things that money can buy. He has a
new $500,000 house. He has splendid
horses and he has handsome and styiisn
clothes and plenty of them, but to call
him a top is to do nim a great iujusuot.
It may be added that he occasionally
attempts speech-making, but the friends
who know him best and who have
heard his speeches give him no en
couragement in this direction, for he is
a modest man, and modest men are not
always good orators. Philadelphia
tress. -
It is said that the exclamation "Rats!
originated several years ago at a theatr
in Chicago where a lot of raw Italian
ballet girls were dancing. They were
awfully afraid of mice and rats, and it
was the favorite pastime of the Ameri
can members of the company to frighten
the ballerinis by yelling "Rats!" at
them as they stood in the wings waiting
to go on, and then enjoy their shouts o
horror. By and by the word cams
into use as a term of derision for a falsa
alarm and the street got hold oi iu
The geological survey proves that the
Hoosac mountain, Massachusetts, is as
little understood by scientific men as
anv other range in the country. Five
different specimens of rock are found
there, and their formation is complex
tnd intricate, so the surveyors say.