TAGE SIX
THE . BPRINGFIKLD NEWS '
I
World Wide Circulation"
Edited by Jay Dekt Co.
THE FRESHMAN STUNT
The frosu class presented a unique
little "skit" before the assembly
Tuesday. Two old maids were trying
to make a "mash" as the Irishman
said, on a preacher, but Kot them
selves In trouble when they spread
the news that the preacher was com
Ins and had a dead baby In his car
pet bar. It turned out to be a doll
that he was taking to some child.
Walter Tost was the preacher an
Alfred townsend, the Irishman. Ivan
Oowart and Wlnnifred Long were tba
hotel keepers. Lula Edwards an 1
Jessie Spencer were the old maids.
Mabel Humphrey rare a reading
and Wlnnlfred Long and Mabel Roof
favored as with a piano duet
AN ODE TO BEANY PERKINS
Beany, Beany, all the Ume
Beany, Beany, like a ryme,
Keeps Jingling thru my head
L'ntil I am near dead.
Beany. Beany, please be mine.
Beany, Beany, thou art devine.
1 kin Jes feel it in my bones
As though It was In forty tones.
Beany, Beanyf I lore but thee.
Beany. Beany, thou art my flea.
I kin still smell your big feet;
Four by ten like a sheet.
Beany, Beany, I am your skirt.
Beany, Beany, let me wash
shirt
My love is all for yo;
Beany Perkins, please be true.
WATCH YOUR STEP
It took three and four days for
some people's Thanksgiving dinner
to settle. This is nn absolute fact
and 1 never knew that some people
could make such hogs of themselv
For Instance, there's SI Weber. Here
it Is Thursday and he hasn't come
back yet I always did have a sneak
Ing Idea that 81 was klnda inclined
to have a weakness along that line
Miss Williamson, our science teach
er, also ate one turkey leg too many
but I did think that she could stand
the temptation. But the worst of all
Is to have that Thanksgiving dinner
hang on so that you don't get up in
time to get to school until eleven
to'clock like Cliff Fandrem's case.
your
SOUP
Jokes in other books remind us
We may have some stale one too;
But if you wont contribute,
What can the poor editor do?
How much time do you spend on
your English?
Half hour railroad time.
What do you mean by railroad
time?
Including stops and everything.
What effect has the moon on the
tide?
None. It effects the untied.
I am trying my best, teacher, to
get ahead.
Heavens knows, you need one
There was a young man named
Worth,
He was born on the day of his
birth;
lie was married, tney say,
On his wife's birthday
And died on his last day on earth.
Willie climbed Into the tub
To get cleaner was his hopes.
He planted both bis little feet
Upon a cake of soap.
Willie should be careful
He mafe an awful splash.
Which leaked into the kitchen
Making soup of mother's hash.
He was seated in the parlor
And he said to the lights:
"Either you or I, old fellow.
Will be turned down tonight".
To prove: that a piece of writing
paper is a lazy dog.
Proof: A piece of
has Ink lines. 2. An
cline. 3. An Inclin
A slope up slow pup.
a lazy dog. Therefore a piece of
writing paper is a lazy dog.
IS, HOW DO YOU SAY IT?
By C'N. Lurie
Common Errors ' in Pngtish
How to Avoid 1 hem
"AIN'T."
IN TIIi:SU articles, some of the more
common errors In speech ami writ
ing are pointed out. Careful study of
these short lctmnna, with the ue of
standard . grammar, will asMl
reader in acquiring the liabll of speak
Ing and writing correctly.
One of the most common errors Is
the tis of ain't." This word I a
combination of the verb "urn" it ml the
adverb, "not," or of the verb "are" and
the adverb "not." Very intiny ersoin j
say "ho ain't," "she ain't" or "1 ain't,"
but few. If any. of them would any "ho !
am not or "he are not. Indeed, while
the use of "ain't" with "I" or "we" or
"you" 'or "they" or plural mxius Is, j
strictly speaking, grammatically cot- '
rect. the use of "ain't" Is certainly In
elegant and Is condemned by many
authorities on English grammar. It .
should disappear altogether from the i
language. In spite of Its long history. I
Correct usage "I am not" or "I'm
not"; "he, she or It Is not, or Isn't";
we, you. they are not."
(Copyright
n
P P
" I f f " i r 1 1 : . mm i t : mi" , " . "i
. LJ lilt-. 1 Sh- JV 1 I J ."' ' . , I 1 I ,1.. ,1 kk 4AJ ' II I I III I ' i . I I , I I I l . 1 I ill. Hill
I T Tl 111""" 1 1 ' ' If :rl W l ? ,W , 1 1 i; ' II I 111 i I I ( ; , J . . ll 1 1 ; U 1 : J' 11: 1 il
LNJ3' -i ; ZyU 2 iff. : li.H.i' i.Mr ,; I ,. !' lLi' i'WliW
ito w vrTi Vv A ! IW.V X ! In'lV ! y )a r
liAiVL? i fi i i&WK I Lvi Wi ii U ill IVL!I I':
' A VV ATT ' ' "'ll::,:!,i!'H1;!i,l Tl t . . i ll I : 1 1 i 1 ? J . i . ? f M t ' M I ' . ti . i.t :LluJ
t 1
FOX AM) COTTONTAILS
e of ye H. K derided that the only
st the i lVA MSy ( all the wood animals
to have a good opinion of htm was to
gl a big dinner, for he litnl mu
how got rntlier a bad name among the
animal for being so trleky.
So nil duy long lie went about tell
ing all the animals that when It was
dark unite dark they were to come
to Ids hottse and dine.
There were the Squirrels and the
I Coons, the "Possums and the Hear fam
ily and all the Jtahhlt family. Including
A LINE 0' CMEER
By John Kendrick Bangs.
A GOODY SHOP.
I'd Ilk to And a blf department
tor
tt'liow hrlv war All until thjr
bubbled o'r
With nil th I bins th Soul of man
riulrs
To satisfy In full Pa bt dlr
A goodly stock of Sympathy and
Cher.
A dl'poaltlon pronf afalnat lb
Snaar,
A Counter spread with Kindly
Thought to lift
The heart that's chilled out of Its
arctic drift.
Conelsnmenta of Good-Will and
Laughter clean.
A cure that's sure for Tellow
Streaks and Fpleen.
Aad Fabrics fair weft featly
through and through
With tove. and Faith, and Hop
and Honor true.
(Copyright )
writing paper
ink line lu
slope up. 4.
5. A slow pup
How lt5bried
THE BARBER-POLE.
THE Prophet Ezekiel mentions bar
bers "Take thou a barber'a
razor" but the distinctive barber-pole
Is ef much later date. The barber In
medieval times was also a surgeon,
and as the principal operation then
was bleeding, he bung out his brass
bowl and a pole with a red stripe te
indicate the bandage. Our modern
gold-ball-tipped, red and white pole
come from these symbols.
(Copyright.)
PRUNE ACREAGE INCREASES
Salem, Ore., Dec. 1 Forty thou
sand acres of prunes are now to be
found between Portland and Ash
land, as compared .with 10.000 acres
a few years ago. according to a sur
vey just made. This season the Ore
gon crop, on account of rain, was re
duced to 25 000.000, pounds.
-O-
Good Advice
Take Chamberlain's Tablets as
soon as you have finished your sup
per and they will produce a gentle
movement of the bowels on the fol
lowing morning. They will also im
prove your digestion and make you
feel better in every away.
Here!
Lantern Slide Pictures of
Astoria
Entertainment Lecture
GIVEN BY
R. L. DUNN, for the Benefit of CHRISTIAN CHURCH
BUILDING FUND
AT SPRINGFIELD
CHRISTIAN CHURCH
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2, 7:30 P. M.
ADMICSION FREE AN OFFERING RECEIVED
YOU COME! BRING YOUR FRIENDS!
OT11K1C tlu I tell uiy bohM buutu
somatlng wot I tink. And he say
to me you no better speaka dut way
out loud eef you Ilka to stay een deef a
place longa time. He eay, "Eef you
roasta ladles, Pletro, ees alia same
keeka dirt on your own grave."
But wot he tella me ees no scare
ver mooch. Eef I Ilka somatlng I like
plenta mooch and ef I no Ilka I gotta
deesgnst. So I speaka wot I tlnk eef
ees breaka my neck, I no care.
When da war broke out somebody
eenvent camouflage for maka e very
ting looks wot alnt. Weeth da camou
flage one ship ees look a Ilka two ship
and two ship look a Ilka no ship.
Weeth plenta paint everytlng ees
made for tooka deefrence Jusa for
fool a other guy. '
And now when da war ees queet
some da women ketpa right on do
sama fluff. I see one woman other
duy weeth so moocha paint on could
foola U-boat. Kef we use so moocha
black powder on da Germans as wom
en ue while powder on da face meblie
we gotta heem licked ltjng time ago.
Seemn Ilka only ting some cheecken
do now ees scruhba da nose white,
paint da cheek peenk, maka red Hps
and putta google een da eye weeth
blaek stick. Llkn data way da face
itick out Ilka sore thumb. And when
ees come on da street she maka more
iioImi as da fire engine.
One girl tella me she Jnsa putta
nout'h on for stoppa da shine. Rhe
gotta so mooch on I feegure mebbe
she tlnk her face ees a headlight, I
dunno. Longa time ago I reuda some
place dut da pen ees stronga like da
sword, or somatlng. For way some da
women looka now I feegure du powder
puff ees greater ns da wash rng. Bui
I dunno
Wot you tlnk?
Marion County Spud Crop Good
Mt. Angel. Ore., Dec. 1 One of tho
laKOHt potato crops ever harvewted in
Hi!k part of Marion county will be
hhipped from Mt. Angel UiIb year. In
addition to the fjuantity of epudft
they are of exceptionally quality.
Am ft
Susie Cottontail and her brother Jim
rule and many other.
You may be suiy that no one ate
any dinner that day. They all saved
their appetites for Mr. Fox's night
time feast, for, as Mr. Coon rjrencd
It. "We should be very ungrateful to
Mr. Foi if we did not take to his din
ner our v-ry beet spHlte; therefore,
our stomachs should be empty."
Mr. Fox let them In one by one and
wss careful to draw all Uie shades
and stuff the keyhole so the light
would not show outside If anything
happened thst Mr. Dog should be
roaming through the woods.
At last all the animals but Jlinmle
and Susie Cottootall were there, and
ery one begun to wonder where they
CuiiltJ be ii ml whiif kept them so lute.
It happened that Jlintnle and Sul
foMoniiill were nt at all sure they
would enjoy Mr Fx's dinner nod they
bad run oer to the farm on the hill
to have a dinner of nine gurdeti stuff
of which they were fond.
They had stayed longer than they
hud Intended nod when they started
for Mr. i'ox's Iioiinh werv hot aa cau
tious as Ihey ijNualty were about
throwing Mr. Dog off their track,
Just as they were entering the wood
who should come hounding after Lhem
but Mr. Dog, who Imd followed them
from the farm, and off ran Jlmrnle and
Susie Cottontail looking for a hole in
which to hide.
Mr. Fox's house was the first re
fuge they came to and In the door they
burst, wth Mr. Dog at their heels.
Of course, then wss no dinner and
the party wss spolhil. for everybody
ran, and Mr. Dog, not knowing which
one to chae when he saw so many,
went home without having caught any
one.
The next day Mr. Fox was talking
with his friend. Mr. fVon. "No one
of the animals would have gotten as
Into such a fix but those Cottontails,"
he said.
"In the first pise thHr ears are so
short they never henrd quickly like
some others of thst family, and then
those tails why, they can be seen for
ysrds and yards I I should have
known better than to have akeJ
them.
"And every one knows they have no
aene. The Cottontails run Into the
first opening they see and never kerp
on running as their cousins do, I
have hsd my lesson. I shall rut tbem
off my visiting list from now on."
And that Is the reason the Cottoo
tall family are never Invited to any
dinners that the wood folk give their
trails ran be too easily followed by
Mr. rvg.
(Coryriaht)
Walking "Indian fashion", that la.
with the feet pointed straight to the
front. Instead of at the customary
angle( bas been found to be good for
weak arches, says the United States
Public Health Service.
wife
Whew!
is suferlng from
shell-
"My
shock."
"Impowtlblu!"
"Not at all. At breakfast today
she broke an egg that had seen better
days."
"Watch your-Step" hi a fine slo
gan to be observed In buying shoes,
say tha U id Led jSute Public
Health Service. Get them large
enough, built on sensible lines and
most of your corns and bunions wlnll
disappear.
. f
How To Be Healthy
If you would enjoy gol health
keep your bowel regular and your
stomach and liver In good working
order. This Is easily done by taking
Chamberlain's Tablets. These tab
lets strengthen the stomach and reg
ulate the liver and bowels. They aro
easy to take and mild and gentle in
effect. They only cost a quarter.
TfOU certainly want to
X save money, and you
would hk to have better bakings.
Then use Calumet It's the
biggest thins you can do to Im
prove the quality of your bakings
and lower baking costs.
Calumet Is made in the larg
est, most eanltaiy Baking Powder
Factories In the World. No Bak
ing Powder is made under better,
conditions none can be better in
quality.
It contains only such ingre
dients as have been officially en
dorsed by the U. S. Pure food
Authorities, An absolute guar an
teethat it is pure.
'""St imunwrn i i ! m
v Vs?V Wit rtv
at wsaa r A
warn -u.'
DALfXINC POWDER
"bxt rcnsT"
It received highest Awards,
World's Pure Food Exposition, Chi
cago Paris Exposition, Paris,
Franre--po8itive"proof of its super
ior merit.
It 13 used by more house
wives, domeHtlc scientists and chefs
than any other brand.' That would
not be the cans, if it were possibles
to eecure a higher quality Icavener.
It 13 Eold at a modernte price.
All you have to do is to compare
costs to dc-tcrmlno how much you
can save by buying Calumet
Pound can of Calumet contains full
16 f'Z. Soitifj l);ikinf tviwdersrriine in
12 7 , ire ) -ndof 1(J os. c;itih. IV-mini
you yi-i a pound wlienyou vviirit t.
Calumet Cr
3 cups pantry
flour, 3 jevrl tea
ixioua Calumet
liukina I'owdi r. Y
cup bulti r. 1 ui
Kmnuliiteq aunur.
Yolks of 3 rHK, H
run cold water.
Wliltrsuf Sckm. 1
tronpiion or anas
rxlrart. 1liruu,i
lutiieicgular way.