OPINION
Page 6 n THE ASIAN REPORTER
November 7, 2022
Volume 32 Number 11
November 7, 2022
ISSN: 1094-9453
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MY TURN
n Wayne Chan
The United Federation
of Asian Perfect-ness
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am a superhero. I’ve always known there was
something different about me, but until
recently, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
I made this startling discovery after reading an
article about Asian stereotypes and why, according
to the author, all stereotypes, whether good or bad,
are offensive. I’m not sure I agree with his point
considering how many of the
stereotypes he mentioned were
just so gosh darn complimentary.
But particularly with the recent
U.S. Supreme Court hearing
arguments
about
whether
affirmative action policies are
creating disadvantages to Asian
students in the country, I thought
it might help to look at some of
these stereotypes.
Let’s do a quick run-through of
the stereotypes in question:
w Asians are smart! OK, yes ... me.
w Asians are born with Ph.D.-level math skills!
Umm, hmm … me again.
w Asians are hardworking! Again … me.
w Asians are humble! Stop already! You’re embar-
rassing me!
The evidence is in. I am a superhero. I mean, who
wouldn’t want to have these traits?
But because I’m a superhero by virtue of my
Asian-ness, that also means the other billion or so
Asians in this world are my fellow superheroes.
In fact, with so many of us around, we have
formed an alliance. We’ve put together a kind of
brainiac superhero organization dedicated to the
pursuit of solving all mathematical equations with
one slide rule tied behind our backs. A crack squad
of overachievers who can leap tall physics equations
in a single bound, do math faster than a speeding
calculator, and process information better than a
supercomputer.
Look! Up at the Pi! It’s a bird. It’s a plane! It’s
SuperAsian!!!
We’ve already taken this to the next level — con-
ventions, Tupperware parties, the whole nine yards
(or 8.2296 meters, in case you were wondering). We
have an annual dinner, and instead of a keynote
I
speaker, we just pour out a box full of used vacuum
cleaner parts, batteries, duct tape, and other odds
and ends on stage and see where our imaginations
lead us.
Last year, I lost to Bonnie Yurimoto, who won in
the “Most Innovative” category, but I still say my
hovercraft was way better.
All right, enough. Let me just
take a moment to forcefully
unstick the tongue placed firmly
against my cheek and state,
obviously, that I am being
facetious.
I am, in fact, a living, breathing
example of an Asian that dispels
most Asian stereotypes. I don’t
really fit most of the positive ones
— or the negative ones, for that
matter.
My math skills are beyond embarrassing. I
routinely go to the “15 items or less” checkout line at
the supermarket with 17 or more items in my cart.
When I use a calculator, I do each calculation twice
because I don’t trust my ability to hit the correct
keys. I boast to my wife that I got a B+ in Advanced
Calculus in college, but I neglect to mention that I
didn’t understand it even when I was taking the
class. If I recall, my calculus final utilized a
multiple-choice format and I was on a hot streak
that day. (Let’s see … I chose a “B” answer last time,
so this time I’ll go for “D.”)
I do work hard, but that has less to do with being
Asian and more to do with having three kids, one
dog, a big mortgage, and a steady craving for Krispy
Kreme donuts.
As far as whether I match up with negative Asian
stereotypes, let’s see. I’m six feet tall, have never
owned a laundry, did not study to be an engineer,
don’t know what a pocket protector looks like, and
was a running back on my high school football team.
And while my math skills have never taken me very
far, I’ve always had a knack for writing.
None of that makes me super, but it suits me just
fine.
Humor writer Wayne Chan lives in the San Diego area;
cartoonist Wayne Chan is based in the Bay Area.
Opinions expressed in this newspaper are those of the authors and not necessarily those of this publication.
Mark your calendar!
The Year of the Rabbit begins January 22, 2023.
Display advertising space reservations for our special
Year of the Rabbit issue are due Monday, December 19 at 5:00pm.
The Asian Reporter’s Lunar New Year special issue will be published on Monday, January 2, 2023.