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About Weekly coast mail. (Marshfield, Coos County, Or.) 1902-1906 | View Entire Issue (July 2, 1904)
ILUeAAtuMU TTT! ""Irf- -- -. -.J. Blumor on? Philosophy By DUNCAN M. SMITH Cupyrlulil, 1WI, b Uuticnn M. Hinlth, 1'DUT I'AKAORAI'HS. In Mpllo of lint Don't Worry clubs till tlio people won' homo of the t J ). unit Hiiiiiu of thn peoplo worry nil of lliu tluio. A man Isn't fun. ny whon ho worltii I uird ut It. Children nrn lml tntlvo mid some, limes toll Hen, mill tlu'lr parents won tliT how they ever learned It, Home- mcn'ii heads nro no iiwolled Unit It hi n iihniun to have to crowd thofn In to n two dollar hut. Home pwplo nro Jolly because they enn't help It. Job would hiinlly havo miwreded In making a record If ho hint lived In u tint. Tho mnn who nwor nrguoi, simply ( Inyn down tho lnw. , A bachelor hi n tnlnnntlirnpo who prefers ii statu of loiio cupidity to a ' htnto of cuoIiI'h nwn-ltv. I A gentleman In nun who gives up hi heat an chevrfully to n wutnaii iih to it lady. If M)lf worn not fashionable It would Ihj uork. In the Country. When the rutlli f lh' renter Wnkw Hit i-otiu of thn hill, Hunting tiitf, tin Mir Mi-rimr, Down tnitilofl tliQ old nawmlll, Lixll) I turn me over On my bed of fntiintnt clover. Hcvinn to m. our country oountnn Oiiu't appreeUU tho touts That th" blrju, by tuna utnl dirceni, Win bin tl:7"i.ili the liiiry Junes. 'vry simple U tliw reason. They art itiuhhlnir nil the season. Not fur me the rnp and ruttlu or ilia renpir In the wheat. 1 liAit mtlur wuinh lh oittlo Of thu fnujrnnt clovr iU ItntliiT llo hrrv, cool and liity, Tlmti to InlHir till I'm oraxy. Dnttittlitn of perfume, nwu.it nn honey, Imiko uro hint: round up 1icp Hut ilm hind man-lt'n funn H.i hod mthrr havn im Iwcr; t'ayn th ntuff that imtur iiitxva Isn't whnt tho Iwirkcrp Hxv. Did You Drtrl Phi you over wnko up In tho morn Inu' vtllh it Html under thn ImprehHlon that you hud oviTHlept yourmdf, Jump up nml on liKikltiK at your watch din rover Hint It wiih a half hour curlier than iiHitnl mid then eniwl hack for u little imp) It Ii Jiint like llndtns moiip, You had i.Kcted that you would havo to Jump tutu your clotlicH, hllrrJ through your hreahfitHt mid run to catch tho ! t niln, mid you llnd liiHtead that you have time for one more dream mid then Mllllelent tlmv to tie your necktie mid I el u rely iIIhciimm tho coffee mid rollw. I'i'W JoJ'H ii m cijual to thlri. Meeting mi old friend or (Uncovering u atrny dime In tho pocket of mi old vent can not match It. You Htivtch yourself thoroughly, lay nut plium for tho day and when tho half hour has nhout expired you hIow ly urine mid look at your watch again Hid llnd that It Iiiih atoppetl mid that nccordlui; to Ita count you fit 111 havo that half hour. Drink What Vou Gin. Think di'up at liiiovlrdKu fount or not at nil." Much naylniiM idwnyu make ono cry ISnoiiKh." Kor onw rliould tnlia a drink, howover .Mllllll, So tt'u onmii;li on which to hnnir a bluff. Words Would FalL "How doe.i it fuel to ho dlHappolnted In love?" "Kver run over hy n railroad train and thi'ii havo nomo ono como and nil) mll on tho aoro iilnccsK" "No." "No usn trj'InK to toll you." Not SlMiige to Him. "Ilntlltim 1h not kucIi a wonder. I have known of n HtibHtnnco that would give off heat for yearH." "Well, j on mlsHcil your elinnco for fame. "What Ih It?" ".Jamaica ginger." No Thought ol the Future. Hfi praised her linndH, for thuy were fair) Ho did not kmiw, ho did not enro. Bo to dliicovor did not try If they could frnmo a pj. f fern Humor and Philosophy r DUNCAN M, SMITH h- Copyillllil, t), by Ijuiiciiii M, llinllli. WHAT WOULD YOU DO J i What would ou do with a mllllmi lluiipi'"" (lint uu hud It to spend? ' Vc(Uhl 'iiti do nil thu i(ood Unit you port- i HllllV fould Ami never (omul nn old frluiid? Would you ifit to tho peoplo vvho suffer Ann disss thu i;iumt wolf from their door? Or would you idilit up Hk" " clipboard And I'uttrrly i;innp to not tnnra7 Whut woidd you do with a million '1 ucl.cd wifely nwny In u bunk 7 i Do you himeMly think you would paint tllrt town pllllt ! Ami turn y irse.f Into n ImiKv Would you ijurrliiiMu u swift automobile j And turn tin- thing loom for iiwhlle7 Or woulO you drink water and tin vol On root to mid in or to your pile? Whut would you do with a million, All counted to show It Wild thern? Klxtd up spick and spun, you tuny have n, plun To lull Imek and chaso nwny ran-. Jim all of your schemes mlKht work (Jit Imiii;Im1 and then no awry, )lut iitlll you would like- nothlnK hotter, I'll nature a dime, than to try. It Sometlmei lUppeni That Wy. Hho iimnied mid looked nhout her. There wiw not much to liwk at, hut Kline wan a Ixtm ruhher mid her neck had to havo eerclMe. After nho had gared awhile nho feinnil to paiino mid ' nuihled nlong for hnlf a block, then nho iilnpiiwl agiiln and took another look, Heelng no one. hIio ralneil her right foot, miked otr hur too (dipper and fihook a pehhle from It. A look of re. lief npiend oer her face ad nho re placed the nllpper and her Jiiwh reluxod their rigidity. Ilor pearly llltlo teeth onio more playtil regularly upon the wad of ruhher j'tmi hetwi-en them. Bhu alwayH wine ruhher gum between her teeth lui'iiiiHo It mtttchod w nicely with her inhl.er tuck. No, genlle render, thorn wan no hole In her hosiery. Different at Tfincs. "How triii" mh hi tho Hontlmuntal youth, "that there Ii no place llko lioine." "Vw," Hnld tho old man who wan taking hln n'-iiU dnwntown, "partlcu larly during houmi eleiinliiK time." FlUing Up Again. AKnln tlw fulthful unily mhoul The ohlldnn Kiitln-r la. The urchlim know thut, n n rule, In June plonlii Iwoln. Nesdtd His Services. "I don't Hff anything Intely fnun tho pen of .lenklnd, ho gave Mich protnluo iih mi liuiiglimtho writer." "He Iiiih n better thing. Tho gna compmiy heard of htm mid gave him a Job trading Hm ineterH." Preparing a Welcome. "I want three pound of tho tough' cut becffdeiik In the nhop." "Whal'H the mnttorV You UHod to ho ho particular." "My wlfe'a relatloDH nro coming to atny for a week." Slwve Over. When a mnn U up HKWlnst It I to of course Im not la ulovrr, Hut the nld nmy !! nulto near him; Ho would bcttvr alillo over. Way Stations. "How far Ih It to town nH tho crow iIIchV" "I couldn't tell you, iih there are kov oral tlclila of corn on tho way." PERT PARAGRAPHS. Ion't w u h t o your time preach ing n chivrful gospel to a man with Indigestion, bcenurto ho will not uudurHtnnd you. A friend In need Ih often a touching night In il dntiblo HCUHi). A new nti It Is npt to ho nolHy In that It calla loudly for now bIioob and a new hat. rerseverauco la n quality not com mendable In crying babies. Moro men would bo wealthy If their wives' plana to uavo money muterlul lwd, A wlso leader never trlea to take his crowd tho way It does not wnnt togo. Tho BueeoHHful hoolc agent checks his" feellugH In tho ollloo before Htnrtlng out on IiIh roundH. To discover who hnn tho weaker Hldo of un argtunont wait and hco which Is tho 11 rat to begin calling names, Uvnilliiu; Tlicm Off. Mrs. Vllladom Why do you want to call on tho I (oralis tonight? Mr. YHhi dotn IlecatiHij If wo don't they're cor tnln to como ovor here. It will bo oiih ler ,to go 'homo when wo'ro tlreil of thorn than to auk them to go boroo. Humor wfi Philosophy Ily DUNCAN M. SMITH Copyright, Idol, by Duncan M. Bmlth. PERT PAKAGKAPHS. Hounding brims' Is not argument, hut tinkling idlvor Iiiid been known to bitvm tho purpose. Tho next lienl thing to having credit having money. ; KometlmeH thn peoplo who lt In tlnrknoHM are heathen and Hometlmen they nro lovcrH. When man mid wlfo nro truly ono U Ih imually the utory of the lion and tho lamb. A man rarely has the courage of hln convictions when hln Hwectheart'H lit tle brother In tho Hiibjeot of considera tion. Ono neanon of rldlculo was nil tlmtj tho shirt waist man could stand. It is easier to guewi who will not. be president than who will. The best doc tor for lovwlcl: ness hi tho doc tor of divinity. A peck of oatH goes much fur ther with a mule Ii n .. 1 I n it l'!4i WordH. It In not wholly tho fault of tho beef trust that man does not live by bread n lone. She Has the Fad. DarllnK, 1 am Krowlnu old. Kor I fod rheumatic twIriBCH In my lltiscr a I fold Kneli upuii thu i.tlu-r; hlnitrs Crtiftklm; In my elbows warn mo Tlmt pay youth's about to scorn mo. Darling, I nn KrowInK old; l'.lp red row h bloom no longer On my jwllld cheehsj some bold, DsunthiM hand has curved out stronccr Lines upon my forehend pale. Wluro musssHe and cold cream fall. DnrlltiK. I Bin Browing old: Walls and twoatcp do not please mo. Now It takes a wit to hold My attention and release me From tho ntecpy spoil that binds me, And of comlnc uko nmlnds me. Darllnir. am I irniwlm; oliJ7 fan' l I llnd somethlnu to to' on This plump form new lines to mould, And old iw; to qulto slip by on? Exorclno. they s.iy. with diet Will work wonders; think I'll try It. Contrary to the Rules. "Ilertlia, will you lovo me nlwnya? Will you think of me every moment of the day and dream of me by night? Will my iiuniu bo engraved on your heart like a shoe sign on u billboard? Will you carry my Image with you In your mind while you arc doing tho houbowork, peeling potatoes or doing up your back hair? My darling, I plead for all of your time. Do I tiBk too much?" As ho spoke these pnsslonnto words John l'endergaster took her soft, cling ing hand In his hutn-HUu An and stroll ed It u few times whllo ho waited for her answer. "Hear John," said the beautiful young thing nt last, it snillo lighting up her face and disclosing tho four dollar fill ing In her front teeth, "you know I lovo you, but do you reallre what you have asked? I should Just lovo to do that better than anything I can think of right now, hut woe Is me. I am u meurbor of the union, and by its rulea we lire forbidden to lovo u man for more than eight hours n day." The Noblest Sight. To eco a hilltop tmthed In light Is certainly a pretty sight. To ee a swoet idrl pnsalnfr by Is more tlvan plcaslaif to the ye. A nice and nobby new spring- tint Is certainly worth looktnu at. A dory, hleh strunff pnmclmr stoed Is worth a passim; fdanco Indeed. Than all theso It is hotter still To look nt ono ten dollar bill. Possible Explanation. "Whnt mndo tho tower of Tlsn lean?" nsked tho teacher. "Was thero it famine In tho land?" timidly nsked n llttlo girl In tho back seat. Sign of Youth. "How old is Miss Jonks?" "Sho must bo pretty youn. I heard her telling what tho man must bo like whom sho would marry.", (Half tho truth will vory often amount to absolute misoiiooa.Whatsly. .. ftp iiii w.u u Humor and Philosophy Br DUNCAN M. SMITH . Copyright, lio I, by Duncan M. Hmlth. THE SILLY SGASON, lf'-ro It Is onrc moro As of yoro, With Its weird tales And bnlcs Of Improbable, stuff, Dnndulterutrd KUff Put up for tho trndo Itemly run do And, though nt times uncouth, Warranted to look like tho truth The old reliable- season, whnn jltnson Takes a br-ck scat And KoollMineMs crteth her wares In thu street; When correspondents from tho ends Of tho earth send In our old friends Thu hoary , Old ssa serpent story How tho monster Rlgantlo Drove frantic Once aKidn Thn slmplo fishermen; Tho tlmo tried story of the snalco That comen around to partake ' Of tho baby's milk rind, to tho moth it's dismay, Wants to IIkIu any ono who would of fer to take tho baby away Prom It. Another yarn that mokes a hit Is that of tho wild Vmkh Hint files away with tho child Clutched In Its feet To Its mountain retreat, loiter In tho year Will appejr Tho story of the boy run through a thrashing niachlno Hy a mini Man with nn iincovcrnable temper, who Is speedily lynched by the rest of th crew. And so they como, I.'nch one like nn old chum We have not n:en Por years. Hut their memory t(rrccn. They como with the first suggestion of heat, Por without them tho summer would not be complete. Drawbacks to Sleep. Hieep Is n good thing and Is warmly Indorsed by the doctors, which may seem strange, since It costa nothing. To He on u soft, downy couch wrap ped In ten or twenty yards of slumber is about ns pleasant amusement as the nverage man can n.sk. I.Ike all good things, sleep has Its drawbacks. Oftentimes Just whon the sleeper Ii snoring nway at the rato of forty tulles nn hour and has Just ar rived at tho orchard where diamonds are picked from the cherry trees somo rude person hits the door n Kolur plexus blow and calls to the sleeper to get up mid bring In half n ton of coal beforo breakfast for exercise. It Is useless for the sleeper to beg for nn extension of time, for the caller usually has u pitcher of cold water to use on ohstlnnto cases. And tho sad dest part of It Is that ho enn novcr pick tip the thread of his dream and resume the pleasant task of picking dlumondH when ho lies down at night Dull Days. With Adam how did Eve find Joy What tlmo they talked together? She had no neighbors to annoy, And thero was lovely weathw. They Take to It. "There Is ono thing that roakca mo think Ilacon wrote Ska'kcspearc." "Whnt Is that?" "So many hum nctors tako a fall out of those plays." He Has To. A fellow of experience Who does not wclcomo strife Will havo his say nnd always leave Tho last word to his wife. Knew Him. "Lend me ?5 until Saturday." "Not much. I might wnnt to use It beforo tho end of the summer." Source of Strength. A mnn his foes may scatter Hy being calm nnd cool; It doesn't tako gray matter To call a man a fool. PERT PARAGRAPHS. f fleauty may bo only '"? Bkln deep, but a young man thinks that It goes Ono way to havo a nulet Fourth Is to glvo tho boys all of their firecrackers on tho 3d. Tho mnn who is suddenly confronted with a loaded gun does not tako loug to mako up his mind. A short story writer xnny bo ouo whoso stories uro short, or ho may bo ono whoso long Btorlea nro returned. When a man gots a transfor after a strcot car wreck ho Is lucky If It docs not call for a trip to tho hospitul. Did you ovor hear of a man trying to drown his troubles in water? Whon a bad penny roturus, Bhovo it into tho slot machine. Tow doctors have for their motto, "Let well enough ulone." -" . Whon a woman takes In washing you couldl hardly, provo lt.bytho stylo of bar bat as she pew along U street. Apt, Many Romances. "Do you dovoto much" timo to read ing fiction?" "Consldernhle. I Imvo to audit tho oxpcrintf nccdunts for tho firm." Where He FaiUd. "Iler husband is no lazy ho bents nnyWiIng I ever saw." "I guess you never saw her enrpeta, for ho doesn't beat them." His Only Resource. "Cheer up, old man; you must not borrow trouble." "I wouldn't If thero was nnythlng olso I could borrow." ' His One Specialty. "Jonefl In tho poorest conversatlonnl 1st I ever not" "Kver get him started to talking about his children?" PERT PARAGRAPHS, Tho reason a mnn marries his sweet heart Is hccniiRo she Is not llko other girls. The reason ho divorces bor Is because she la. When n man marries, his begin. economies! , j Tho mother-ln-lnw Joke grew out of ; mmi'fl rieslro in not hnct nt thn Imr.l ' l task mistress he bad to serve during j courting time. . ! In the matrimonial market It Is bet- ter to know how to turn a compliment j than to know how to turn n flapjack. When tho house cleaning senHorrla over and tho lawn is mowed most men will cense hnvlng urgent business down town in the evening. Different Point of View. Ills party, ho was very sure. Had motives sweet nnd purpose pure; i That its Ideals were so high That thc at times bnished off the 'sky. He knew that voters In Its ranks Were gOo and truo nnd that the .cranks Wore over on tho other side. And whero the bosses ran things irlde. He knew that these things wcro tho case, Hut that was when ho held n. place. And from tho public crib drew pay In cash at flvo or six a day. Ha lost his Job to ono more strong; Then ho could boo that things wens wrong. ,j And even on the. other sidoTS Ho thought somo virtue mbjht abide. r One Thing Lacking. "It does not seem possible that men lived to be .100 years old during the early days of history." "Why not?" "Tohncco was not discovered, and the papers could not sny that they had smoked over since they wero six years rJt " To the Chinaman tho yellow peril ap pears to bo a horso of another color. To tho nccompanlment of tho minis ter's sermon many a new dress Is plan ned. ' It is rubbing it in on a man after the Jury bah sentenced him to hang to ask him if he has anything- to say. The average sailor does not tako kindly to water -when on shore. It Is Here Again. With dragons red and pink nnd green. Comes tho merry-go-round. Come j tho merry-go-round. And ever) little girl's a queen On tho merry-go-round. On the merry-go-round. It plays a lot of ragtime tunes, Does the merry-go-round. Docs tho merry-go-round. And all the boys and girls and coons Ride the merry-go-round, Kldo the merry-go-round. It rakes In nickels by the peck. And cvtry child Is now on deck. For the merry-go-round. For tho merry-go-round. Fits the Description. i "Whnt is meant by nature's noble-1 man?" J "A tramp, I guess. Noblemen do not work, and tho tramp does not and is a , ipechil patron of nature." J Strained Relations. ( 4 UUVUi Dl'U JUU lUUlAi U1U1 lltVYU any more, and you used to bo such . warm friends. What baB como be tween you?" "I loaned him 310," Would Slay With Him. "I hold Jacob's note for thirty days." "I'll bet u quarter you will hold It longer than that." More Emblematic. "no is going to tako tho stump for ids party this fall." "It would bo more appropriate If he took the barrel." They Must Eat. "Two heads are better than ono." "That depends on tho quality. If neither is any good, that is Just one moro to feed." 5 Sometimes tho politicians pick now men for olllco because It is easI6r to get money out of them than from sea soned campaigners. Arithmetical Rule. "How old Is Miss Jenkins?" "I don't know, but If you can and out tho ago of her twin brother, sho Is Just thrco years youujier." To Tell If ?? !UTXH HlflweMt "I enn tell'ltt n tnlnuto slpiply by looking- at n hinn Avhother i slmvcfi lilmuclf or Is shnveil by n barber," mid the wlclder of tho rnzr and brush. "No, It Isn't n .questlotj of clcnnllncflft nor yet h nucotlon of hacking tho fuco. 'Tllpni, la no rrns'9;j why n man who Is accustomed to snnving onnscn: shouldn't mnku as clean n Job of It as tho nvcrago barber. And yet I cart spot him every tlmo. Boo that little lock of hair that grows down tho Hldo of the face Just In front of tho oar? Well, when a man Is shavcA by a bar ber those two locks don't vary In ! length more than a sixteenth of nn Inch. Tho man who shaves hlmseir, on the other hand, Is Invariably lop sided. He nl ways begins to s.hnVo higher up on tho left side1 of tho fftc& than on the right side,' ns n conso iltioiice of which one sldo of tho faco looks longer than the other. No. 1 don't know that I can explain this phenomenon. I only know that tho condition cxlats." Philadelphia Hco ord. f tiled of Stiyemtltlon, Princess I.lkellke, daughter of Ka nnnkeu and mother of Princess Kaln- Innl, died on Feb. 3, 1887. Shi'd not Wen seriously 111, but n lava Uov from '. . & I u. t.-IIaiiai. I. fft....nll 1110 grcitl VUICUIIU mmum, in ii""i which occurred a few days before her ilr-iilh was to her mind II sure sign that a chleftalness was required by tho goddess Pole, that heartless old deity suggested to tho children of nature In tho nacs of volcanic terrors, bo nrm were Llkellke's convictions that tho ivrnth nf till. fllt-WlllM Ifll h.'ld tO I) (J r ...! 1... t...M ilAnth 4tint ciltrw Ifttlf HJjpiUSCU IV uvl Mwlim '" ..... .- heart and never rallied. The night be fore her death there was a halo nro"r.il the moon, nnd when she saw It sho abandoned nil hope and speedily dlcxtt A few years afterward I.lkliilku heard that he was being prayod to doath by nn enemy, nldcd by n sorcerer, n dead ly method of warfare, so ho clmply lay down and died of despair. Conscientious.? -Weary Walker-No. i:iam; I ain't dirty from choice. I'm 'jounil by hon or. I wrote a tcstitnrinai for a soap maker onco nnd promised 'to use no other.' Mrs. Uousekeep Well, why do you not use that? Weary Walker Be cause, ma'nm, that firm "falicd about' Ave years ago. 1' He Didn't WnrA' iSArlittratc. "The reason I crWp gft along wl'1 my wife Is JliatcL wants to sub:.- , all our dlCcfonccF.to r.raitratioq."- "To nrbltrattoji "Yes. She alvrfiyo wants to rfcr dl- LIU1U3 W MV1 UIWMV. N - Frllnc Uctter, She So yor Ideal Jilted you? Hc-r os, but I dm somewhat reconciled. I havo since learned thai she married hers. Puck. The man Who advertises tlmt ho is( looking for trouble generally takes tho street car the other way when he sees. It coming. The man Trttn a theory ns to how to live 100 years could provo it If ho, could Just live long enough to demon-, strate it A Hint to Hendiinnrters. noad of tho rirm-I don't sco how. you nro going to support n wlfo ot your present salary. Smart Clerk Netthcr do I, sir. London Punchy , No man who thoroughly understands woman should get married unless ha. wants to have his theories Jarred. "Why Is ItT "Did you ever notice," said an ob servant young luna, "thnt men ns it rule run down tjie heels of their shoes on the outside, while women run them down on tho Inside?" He was asked to explain the reason, but said he had no reason, as ho only mentioned It as be in? singular, with no means of exphK nation. Simple. The mnn who plants a garden plot Whor neighbors' chickens stray Has faith enough ta move a hill A mile or two away, A Dutch IMshlntr VUliiKe. Almost every fishing villngo In IIoli land has Its special dress nnd lta own, quaint customs. Ono can see from old Dutch plcturos that thoso havo not van rled for tho last 200 years. Ono most, Interesting placo Is tho island of Mar Ren, u touguo of land on tho margin of tho Zuyder Zee, which can well ho in spected in a couple of hours. It Is so llttlo nbovo tho sea lovel that the clus ters of houses or tiny villages nro built on mounds connected by bridges, and nearly every little houso has Its own llttlo moat nnd lta own little boat everything except tho peoplo is on u dlminutlvo scale in Holland-moored near tho door so as to bo handy la case of Hood. Tho houses, with tho ex. ccption of tho church and tho clergy man's houso, nro built of woo on high piles. Thoy tiro nono of them very old, as tho placo has often boen flooded and burned. In winter Marken Is often under wuter, nnd tho inhubitauts uso boats to pass from ono vlllug to r -other. Tho cottages, which are pnlu i blue, green or black, with pointed i i bles, and roofed with red tUetf, ; aro tvllt exactly alike nnd possew,v 'only u. ground floor built on high pUei. . i i 1 1 's: t ii. . EiS. i A i - mmik.: v- -r wwriwwniW,www UMHM ib ti irt-r -.