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JHumor Phil6ophy
I j WJNCAN "
Copyright. Ittl. by Duncan M. Smith.
t THB GARDENING FEVER.
gome microbe workcth In ft man
. When sprlnatlme rolls around
Ahd nmkw him fonaulato a plan
To till tho mellow around
lie want a trardcn or hU own
On which to lavish care.
. Where handmade lettuce may bo crown
And all euch dainty fare.
. Ho knows that ho can wield a rake
Just like n hired man
And feels assured his skin will tako
A lovtlycoat of tan.
i 'And when he sot down to his work
What stories he tan hatch
To tell tho omce,boy nnd clerk
About hla garden patch I
3ru.cn let him hare his little sport
1 -'And let him plant his seeds;
,Wa know the harvest will be short
And mostly run to weeds.
And that the outcome's sure to be,
Unless he has rood luck.
Ttn dollar worth of energy
i For ton cents' worth1! truck.
Ftk of the Man Who "Went to WdHc
In a Small Village Jived' Man' who
was so worthies that no as uo
Btoclt Horrible Example for the Entire
Ponnlatlon- UI&-, Wife was .a n,nu ,
Ifasal Catarrh quickly yields to treat
went by Ely's Cream Ualm, which U agree
ably aromatic Is la received tlrouch. Uio
nostrils, cleanses and heals tho .staple sur
f.A nnr xrhlcli it diffuses Itself. Druggists
Fell the 50c alio; Trial sgza by mail, 10
cent. Test It ana yon are sura io couvuiuo
the treatment.
Announcement.
To accommiKUto those who are partial
to tho use of atomisers la apjdying liquids
liqidd form, which will bo known as Ely's ,
Uquia crsasa ijm. a r? Js'iuijj m
sprajinR tube Is 75 cents. Druggists or by
inaiL The liquid form embodies thamed.
icinal properties of tho polid preparation.
FREE
TRAlNgBOATS
JO ALL POINTS
'7 THE BAY
r c '
4TH OF JULY!
COOS RIVERITES
NORTH BENDITES
EMPIRE CITYITES
and
MYRTLE POINTITES
come to Marhffeld on
the Fourth of July and
have a good time
Everything is free.
Thie space donated by J. Proees
JR.S. L. S. ADAMS,
Of Galveston, Texn.
"Wine of Ctrdui li Indeed aloilnj
to tired wpmen. Having suffered for
"wn-yfwWrveJknrtr nd bear.
Inj.down paiai, end having tried ev
wal docton and different remedies
wllh no sucuii, your Wise of Ctrdui
wee the only thln wkleh helped roe,
d eveauially cured me Itieemedto
build up the weak ptrli, jtrenjthen
the yiim and correct IrreijularilieJ. '
By "tired vomen" JTrs. Adams
means nervous vomen who have
disordered menses, falling c tho
woinb, o-arian troubles or any of
thesa aibients that women have.
You can cure .vourseH at homo with
"i'SBroat women's remedy, Wi no
of Cardui, im, 0f Cardui lias
ouroa thougani4 nf Mma iui.iMi.
lifctorshavofailedtobenrnt. Why
druffcisU have 81.00 bottles. For
"any stomach, liver or bowel ditor.
dar Thedford's Black-Drauslit
ahoaJd be tufed.
V
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CARDUI
sss - " - - -
M
JU
Tono nlcturo oC MIsortr'rintT lilk Chil
dren wcrhauled (o MJeet hthYo'n thq
Stt.Hir.-
Although ostensibly Looking for
"Work He hnd such a lCcr Kyo Hint ho
Always w It n lllock5 Avfny nnd dodgt
ed It by going nrodud Another street.
Quo Day some of the, Yillngo Cut
TJps to lnwo Full with lljiin caused
koiuo I'leccs to bo printed lit' tife l.ocnl
Taper referring' to- him u a Leading
Qltlxon. They nls' Induced tho Editor
to interview blur jon" tho Questions of
the Day nYnl when tho Governor was
L'asslug th'tbugh the Town they took
him over to tho Depot and Introduced
Him us a Coadng Mum
In a fuw Weeks hs Cliost protruded
until llllll Matched. Ids Tattered Gar
ments! nnd hla 11 etui Swelled l'crccp
tlbly, cntulng no Kndof Merriment
among tho Jesters who only worked the
harder to Convince Hkir that tho
World could not ltovolvo on Us Axis
WlUiout His Written Consent.
X Heal Kstato Mim consulted mm1 In,
Itepanl to n new Subdivision nnd tho,
Elevator mnn Gravely naked him If ho
thought It would Iks Wise to sell Wheat
or Hold for a, Hnlse.
After this Hare Sport. had continued:
for a few weeks longer tho Man began
to take It so Seriously that ho 'Secured
n stenily Job nml went to work.
Month For Results be, a Booster.
. .
HIj ProcUrity.
-ja he going to tafce the stump thia
rfl, j v,
down. ou watch him."
Old sod New.
An old umbrella, never fear.
Will stay with you through the year;,
ltut one- that' nlce.and bright and new
Is gona before the week Is through.
One Sure Way.
"It' ft' Impossible for ua to bco our
selves as others sec us."
'Kvcr' try running for office?"
j Explained.
I "Uncle, how does It seem to bo In
lovor'
'Ob, llko being In love."
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
if' ail the good were to die young
where would wo get our presidents?
Mudo to order weather would
suit some people.
not
Soma':peoplo hur
ry o " that Uiey
overtake m 1 f o r
ruties that right
fully belong to n
coming generation.
There nro a lot
of people who, If
not fools, nre ex
ceedingly c 1 e vc r I
uctors.
There nro men who will dyo for a
womun when their halrbeglns to ubow
'traces of white-
A dog without a tall tunst feel an'
though he were in the deaf and dumb
class.
Do not tako- the campaign orator too
Kcriously. lie Li, probably paid to be-'
' JIcvo tho things that ho 'says.
Kven in Kero'a cuho Ui6ro aro mitigat
ing circumstances, ire didn't play the
cornet while Homo burned.
When a' woniah drives n man to
drink ho would probably havo found
tho way nlouo all right.
It Is easy to be a philosopher 'If yon
happen to own d trust
A man with n pull calmly ta'kes'nll
tho credit of his Hiicccsa to himself.'
I After pcoplo havo learned -' by ox-
t perlenco- tho proprieties of ' gasollnb
they nro often not In a poaltlo'ri'-tb use
tho experience.
Conversation la not it iost art'ln tlio
barber shop.
Sometime n wnnt,nri. proypn nlinl'r
restorer when a mnn losea hls'wlg-. ' '
Ono a d v a n
tnge about eat
ing at a ten
cent restaurant
that appeals to
riomo of our
millionaires is
tho fact that It
is not ncccs
sary to tip tho
waiter.
No
lady bar-
ber. wjll
cut i
friend If Hho is
a real lady.
to
Thefo would not ber6iminl! the top
,ff ajl.pjt tbopedpW wfioirtarteu':fbr it
cJrvr- rzWxM
& M
-
""""""trrTt"
. It has licn.dVDcovcrctl tHnt goln Jill
8wlmtnln(t Is tho, JirnUhleot excwlkoi
but not for tho boy whoo tmMher find
It ottt.
A laty man can always And plenty
of tluio to loso Uoio.
Sympathy that costs no money ,1s
hardly worth currying home with you,
Don't you pity tho man that tho Klrl
marries ouc of pity?
. Somellrnca a iUtllt does not 'qtllt
smoking when tho doctor tells hm to
InvnuBu of n fltiHplclon that his wlto
has th & doctor Ittlbiid.
Rlfibt In Style.
Oh, Marr has a new sprlns hat
Just for her head designed,
A verr dreant it la at that
One at tho UlKhtmaro kind
And as sweet Mary passes by
The women U with envy die
Some peaches, cherries, two or threa
Large pears and apples red.
As though K fruit store Jauntily
Were sitting on her head
As she goes sailing down the nUlo
To let folks see the latest style.
Oh. Uary has a new sprlnrr "lid"
Drought over from Puree.
A regular frutt cart pyramid
Perched up where all can see.
It nits you with such sweet delight
You almost want to take a bite
But still ,11 lacks a thing or two
A pumpkin placed on high
And melons plump would make the view
More pleasing to the eye,
But may she next year have the luck
To get It trimmed with gunm truck.
He Cot the Order.
"No, wo don't want to try, a now
'brand of cereal."
"Ono moment, madam," legj;cd the
nollcltor. 'This food is prcpaml espe
cially fot men. It Is called I'onoyup
nnd la Intended to rebuild tho lcpluted
Hystcms of overworked buslnois men.
It Is goarantced to transform tl: e worst
dyspeptic into d genial humuti being.
nleaaant cuoukU to nleaao a club
woman.
"It Is further warranted thai a six
-weeks' diet of thla food will cause a
man to pay all Ids' wl'fo's hill in-ompt-
Ir. cheerfully and without Protect. Ho
has been known to tlrKe upon hli. fain
ily a vLilt to summer resorts, volun
tarily making handsomo allow uncos
for all expenses. This last Is not guar
anteed, nnd I only mention It to show
tho wonderful potentialities of I'-oney-up.
"However, wo do minranteo auich
amiability as will mako bill paying n
pleasure and aprlng housecleauluff a
continuous vaudcvlllo or tho money re
funded." "Bridget," said tbo lady, "sco that
tho atoreroqm Is clean nnd dry. Vdli
may
I'on
tako my order for two tons of
'oneyup.1
Apcropriatef ',
, It seems the country's anthems
Are aomowhat In dlegrauo.
A nevr one on the dollar
rerliaps would fit tho case.
"Woulil critics dare to call It trash
Soppaso tbo theme wcro clammy cash?
Plenty to Choose From.
' "Tho man I marry must bo worth
$l,OOO,00C 1."
"You forgot that with bucIj an
amount o f money n man could take his
pick."
'. No Expensive Honors.
"Do yo- u thluk the general will got
in tbo ha 11 of fame?"
"Not JC thcro Is any rent to pay, ho
won't" ,
Changed His Mind.
II fcaro 1 ho was not worthy of Vier,
Not tit to iruard her life.
But that was when he waa her loycr;
Not wh :n sho vao-hls wife.
T 00 Strong For Him. '
"Did Uio tramp-eat those Iwanii?"
"Ho refu sod them. He aald 11 waif
too hard w or! : to digest them."
Easy.
a egg not an egg'"
ay." When you buy it on
"When Is a
"That Js a 0
fho bargain "couUtcr,"
When am in I hard up hods glad of
fho opportm dty to mako a equaro meal
out of a t'on nd flteakt
Tho old st lying, ft Tool for luck, docs
not specify what k'lnd of luck.
Western boom
villages think Now
Vork a slow towd
becauso It has no
public square. ,
May wcathor lias
ft hard time 'In ll,v
?,K: Ihg up1 to tho char,
w actor given u oy
:4viho m'tfg'ajsluc
". poofs.
i . .
vS
-rtfWSffl!!'. n flk'l
rWtTXWS: M u
.'.: U1 via lwc
wmm w&:
Tho picaHurcH ot making Rnrdcn tc
treat lis tlio 8ohAoi adVnhccs.
Kadiro is1 a aafo Kuldo,,for thQ man
who doesn't know chough )o como In
when It rulus generally needs a bath.
tfools and children should not bo
blnuicd for tolling tlio trutli, Thoy do
not know any butter".
.
It la claimed that flirting dovolopn a
man. It may also bankrupt him.
Instead of offering n reward, Carno
glo cullld get plenty of heroes by ndver
tlslug for men to work at It at thu rate
of about $3 U day.
fr no'jj
More marrlagea would bo hnppy if
the girl had to first pass a civil serv
ice examination to prnvo that sho was
not troubled with cold foot
Away With It.
Wo pinch and sweat nnd acrnpe and save
And labor like a galley slave.
And when wo'vp got our little pllo
.Wo And that It ta not worth while.
Hy days we gather tin a slore,
Our nlshts we spend in getting more.
And nil to what unworthy end?
That some great-great-grandchild may
spend.
We pinch a dollar till It squirms,
Endangering Its husky germs.
And when we have It stowed away
X'trhaps ws go und die next day.
X-et others seek the fllthy dross:
AVe know lis gain Is only loss.
Why should we wish for overmuch
Whvn w hiive friends whom wo can
touch?
Best of Motives. ' ' , ,
Shrieks, agonizing and blood curdling,
rang out on tho startled nlr, as though
Home ono overpowered In n life and
death struggle had cried out In a lant
hope that homo fellow mnn would hear
and rush to his aid.
Wlndowa Hew up nnd men nnd
women looked wildly about but oho
man. heedless ot dnuger, rushed to
ward tho wood abed from which thu
wounds r.-ero Issuing.
Just iih ho nrrlvcd a man walked out
of tho door with a grim sutllo on his
fnco and a nkato strap over his shoul
der. "Iletii licking your boy, neighbor?"
asked tho nowcomer in a voice thut
was not at all reassuring.
"Ifa nobody's busliicmi but my own
If I have," replied tho man Ucliantly.
"I waa lust coming to avo If you
wcro needing any help," said
nolphbor, who hud mot up With
tho
the
bo: ' a tlmo or two.
In Texas.
A horse thief from a halter strong
Swung once upon a time,
Hut he by ono who came along
Was cut down In his prime.
Still Warmer.
"What makes grundpa so downhenrt'
cd? Ho was so oluted a abort tlmo ago
over tho fact that ho was l(a years
old."
"Another old man of 1M years caimi
along.and mado him ICC lu tbo shade."
j. '
Looking Ahead.
"You nro worth your weight In ra-
clhittil" exclaimed tho enthusiastic
young man to tho girl ho adored.
jfow well llxed wu will be." replied
tho practical young thing, "If I should
over grow to bo as llcsby as mamma."
' Not Progressive.
"Threo bottles of this will mako your
wlfo feel llko n now woman."
"Keep it, I don't euro to liavo my
wlfo putting on Hup'rior aim because
aho la a now wouiati."
Only the Money.
Tho hours I've ajxmt In wooing"
I do not wish them back,
. But all the cash spent on my niasli
. Would It were, la my sack.
A Ccod Reason.
Charley Why do you want .w'omau
HUffniL'O?
May-I'd like to have a buggy tido
onco a year after I am married.
'
Too Soon For Him.
'Tn.'in what year waa tho wiir of
1812?" '
"I don't remeinlicr. I wasn't Jiorn
until lBol)." 4. -
" To pay an' ho
gouH n uuudlulrin
must piny aa J10
goes. ,
A hoMtf trad
iv can eo iho
faults lu u hrt'ao
nftcr ho ha a
traded off ttie
uulmal. 4
.
It Is because tho polllco nro ed carrv
leas -that campaign cigars are not run
In as suspicious qhanultera. . I; , .
f
..i. .i. urn i
SHH HAS DOND IT BEFORE.
With crafty eye the old black lion
Itcgnrds your garden plot
And watches for the moment when
Tho Knto unlatched she'll spot,
And then Into your garden fair
Bhe'll dodge and have a plcnlo there.
Ban calls with duckings low her brood
Of unfledged chickens spry,
And, though they are unskilled nnd
crude. '
They maka tho gravel fly.
WUh chirp nnd cheep they flutter round
Ami cover every Inch ot ground.
Thoy do not full to recomlKo
Your choicest beds and plats.
And thereto every chicken flics
And fensta 011 marrowfats.
They wallow all the onions out
And gobble up each tiny, sprout. .
Wllh energy they pick and scratch
And twitter us they raid,
And very noon that garden patch
All desolate In laid.
Serenely then that old black hen
1 ler forces tnnrshals out auutn.
Thought It Was a Hint.
Jobdlck had been calling on tho girl
for a month ami, though ho had not re
ceived much encouragement, yet ho
had a hopeful heart tinder hla $-.78
vest, and ho know that fair ladles wero
won only by pntlonco and Christmas
presents.
With a confidence hardly Justified ,by
his experience, ho bounded up tho steps
of her father's housu and rang tho door
bell.
Tho beautiful fclrl opened tho door
and forgot to say "Como In." Instead
of that sho observed pointedly, "Mr.
Jobdlck, you would confer a favor by
taking n walk and unver coming back."
When ho had recovered from his stir
prlsu ho atnrtod to nrguo tho mattor
with her, and hor father hearing thu
nolxo camo to tho front and materially
assisted Jolxllck down tho brond, mnr
bio steps with tho toe of his boot. Tho
girl's cousin, who was waiting at tho
gate, handed him a couple of tho latest
things on thu market la upper cuts; her
small brother, Inking thu cue, began to
throw stones at him and tho hired man
turned loose thu dog. As Jobdlck mov
ed briskly down tbo street, slightly
nulled lu temper, ho mused to himself,
v.N'ow If I wuru at all superstitious I
might havo tlio notion thnt I was not
wanted at that house."
I .
An Afterthought.
In winter, when we long for spring
Its pressing date to keep,
Wo think not how lawn mowers sing
Just when we want to sleep.
Was Responsible,
boasts of being u self
"Ho
rnado
mnn."
"Very considerate of
charge It up to nature."
hlni not
4 "
to
That Was Easy.
"Henry, If your undo had $3 and
gavo you ?l, what would ho then
havuV I
"Heart failure" . yi ,;
h. ?!!i
They Were Calves'. v '(
In. spile of all his toll and pains i'
He could not get on top,
Tor money could not purchase brains
Rave In tho butcher shop.
t.v
Thev Need It.
"A fool and ills money aro soon
parted."
"True, but tho oil companies have to
live." P t
Wanted an Inducement.
"My man, you should voto tbo I'ro
lilbltlou ticket."
"Iluy mo a drink, nnd I will."
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
Tlio man who
h a it pus h
enough to get a
pull usually
h 11 e c o o d s In
making a good
luinl.
e
Tho man who
Is too atrong to
work Is geiior
nlly Just about
atrong enough
to cut.
It la not necessary to invent In flying
machines lu order to mako riches tako
wings. .
Ah long as a man pays tho bills bo
will bo apt to havo a decided oplnlou
about his wlfa'H bonnets. , ,
Thcro Is no place llko como homes
except tho Held of battle.
Money will not buy an appetite, but
It will purchuso tho things to satisfy
oiio.
Tlioro aro not words enough In tho
language to explain how It 1h to tho
Ivan who has never been lu lovo,
Dtillglitetl.
Dolly Woro you pleased when Char
ley proposed? i'oUy-rioaHcd? I camo
pretty near giving him our college yell,
ruck. , a
Many bow HW'cotly 'lb tho gardonot
when hla roaca art in bloom.-cliool-mastor.
..,,...''',
BofnlnlUVwould not ifoV rod-tot
tovo becuusa stove aw bUt of oata
In modern o'u-M, x ', -v 'ji,
ir
L
Kr
yri
i..niM4
"- e --Tt f
CONDENSED
DISPATCHERS
Mrs. fJanniul IV (Humour),,, wlfo of
Marie Twain Is ihmjl, lit I'lorjmuw.
Hteaiiier Tidal lu with. llv jinildwl
workmen nlxmrd sunk lu QiU'ci.mtowii
linrlior. All rioiuuod.
Urltlidi bnttlfalilp PrlntuM of Walt
ordered to Tanglar.
tjeimtor Ltalluy will lx tomHrury
anil John Hharp Williams permanent
uhairinnn of tho Ponioorutlo national
unuventtoti.
Two vrglmiuits of l'mijalrsjind nuu
battery of a oomjmuy of Hapjairji
01 ilet cil to Join tho YoiuiHhusluiiul
Th'tbot oxpodll Inn.
All 111 1 iron il linen north of l'ort
Worth tied up by novoro storniH of pitot
weelc, rlvorrt and hiiiiiII HtreauiH nut of
Ixmks; crop lows heavy.
Martini law in Iiasaulmas county,
Colo. raotloally lifted by govqmor's
urilerr). ,
Counsel for IIiiitIiuiiii Hied in
United StntcH Circuit amamlcd bill lu
suit to reatralu irroiKMed pro rata plan
of distribution of awaits of Heuurlty Co.
HpauUli nteamer Avllea ashora at
Terieera. Total wreck. Crew and
Iii(tengcr saved.
Now Creek ateamcr Covluthla ro
ported sunk near Dueaondlo rock,
Ualatl. rourtvoii of thirty-eight ,
aUmrd saved.
Hleamer IJritnlu snuk in collUlon
with riteamor l'lugl wmth of Flamhtro
bend, Civw lalidiil.
-M
ii'ew York. Corouur'n lniUivtt, mi
donili of JJoolnmikcr Yuuug adjourned
on motion of dlHtrlei attorney till 1'rl
day. Hail for Nan i'attetxui fixed at
five thousand Ihtii furnUhed.
Dlvoret eauo of Captuiii Jerome
Madden, UnlUil Wtnlot Army, vs
IMltli .Maddun, )mHtMiuud on ruuerit
of (hifeiiMt (ill Auguitt -Utli.
Duko and Duiihew of Vuleiiony jue
paring to hover marriugo relntioiiri.
The Duuhueri was fouuiuiy Helen Mor
ton, daughter of the erwtwlillo vice
prisident and governor.
fencer Young buritMl today. Nan
l'attursou Htill In jnil.
TiotiMMhlnK of Tore.
Ypuug Wlf (sobblng)-I will not bo
quiet 1 Ilefom wo woro married you
said I had a charming flow of lan
guage. Young HusbandAnd no you
havo, dear, it not only flown, but
dntilies, leaps, bounds, roars, gora over)
cataracts and mill sluices, and thcro Is
an oec.iHlounl watoispout as well, I
Your Heart
May Bo Weak. One
Popson in Four Has
a WeaKJHeart.
Ono of tho surest slans of a weak
heart lit ithortno.s 0! breath after oxcrclsc.
Your hourt In not able to pump the
blood fust (inouch to your tunas.
Homo of tho other symptoms of lloart
Troublo nro: ruins In the Hide, Haqk
nnd Hhouldcr; Fainting or Weak fipcllaj
Dry Cough: Hwclllnr of Foot and Ankloa
Cold IVut or Hands.
No ono can afford to nllow a wrak
heart to go without modlcluo, because
weak heart menun poor circulation, and
poor circulation monnu weak luntre,
wlomacli, liver, kldnuya, oto.
If, thcroforo, you nusprct heart trouUlo,
bcKln takliur Dr, Mlluu' Now Heart Cure.
Tin Hiiott Curo will do you food, as It Is
a splendid tonlo for tho blood and nerves,
and will rovltivljro your ontno py-tuni.
Finally, roniember, Dr, Mlleo' New
Ileurt Curo Is sold uudor a guarantoo
that tho flrut bottlo will do you oood.
If It dooea't your money back.
"J was iwillcled with. heart troiiblo for
thrco yonrs. I vould lo miparorftly nil
rlalit. nnd without n nionioiiVs warnlna
would full nH thuiiali shot. Tho uttaoks
who fruauent, und n torrlblo dread pos
ftcuiird mo. an 1 novcr kuow when or
where, nor undor wliat conditions t
would bo attacked, and whether I, would
survlvo thorn. I consulted und was
trontid by nomo of tho, most eminent
rthyjilrlnns of tho ntato. Not llndlna ro.
ilef from this nour'o, I began tnklna
Dl', Wims- JVOW iJoari vura, unci neirnn
to Improvo nt onco. I usod ton bottles.
Willi
CII unilifiy Luii-n 1 1 ui, 11- i. iiiiv". jiw4
Jlllll
nil nt tunic for llvu
vonrH." MHH.
jpiiN DKiaanACic, i.t'ipulo. o.
xiT'i'C' Wrlto to us for Frco ffrlnl
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