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Humor <md Philosophy
By DUNCAN M. SMITH
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C op y right. Uu4, by Dunc&n U . Smith.
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
The only Rood thing about advtos ts
lb it it put.i tho giver la such good bt>-
tcor that be usually trill stand far •
. toui.li.
The dealer In green goods Is on th*
lookout for green customers to match
them.
Never lend your umbrella; it is a
fo o d thing to have bandy when it
rains.
Pure prepared Paint and Puye Lin
Made Ilia Own JaiL
Among tbe early Comstockers, the seed Oil at Leever’ s. Get prices before
4-26
makers o f Virginia City, Nev., were painting,
some o f tbe toughest specimens of hu
manity loose In the world in those days,
and perhaps the most primitive one in
the lot was "lied Mike." The fellow
appeared to be equipped only with
brute lustlucts, but there was human
Intelligence o f a sort In the back c f
bis bead, and he gave an exhibition of
prudential forethought that would
huve been creditable to a w i^ r man.
"R ed Mike" wus employed-as brick
layer In the building o f a Jail, which
was one o f Virginia City’s flrst anl
most Imperative needs, and be thought
fully omitted the mortar and laid a
number o f bricks dry and loose at sev
eral places In the wall.
In the natural order of things "Red
Mike” committed a serious offense and
was thrown into Jail to await trial, for
even in the early days the Comstock
usually tried a man before hanging
him. The next morning the jail was
empty. “ Red Mike" had made a hole
In the wall by taking out some o f his
own handiwork, and when he went out
he took all the other prisoners with
him.
Cautious.
"D o you think It is right ta kirn a
girl you are not engaged to.”
“ It may be rlgbt, but it isn’t safe.
She is liable to land you before you
gat away.’’
Stood the Test.
He loved her. W ho could doubt U?
He proved It sure enough.
He listened to her poems
And said they were great stuff.
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
A tactful man will always refrain
from making any comments on Mon
day’ s dinner.
What Johnnie can’t understand is
why the flrst month of vacation Is so
much shorter than the last month cf
school.
Italy and the E vil Eye.
¡
Getting Even.
“ She is going to sue him for breach
o f promise."
"B ut he has no money. What doe*
She expect to get?”
"Revenge. She intends to have his
letters read In court-’’
Wants Were Modest
**I came to ask you for your daugh
ter.”
“ But she Is the only one I have.”
“ Well, I don’ t want but one. I hops
you don’t take me for a bigamist.”
M . La m m e y
A Fixed State.
“ Can marriage be successful on $10
• week?”
“ Bure thing. A man could never save
•nough to start divorce proceedings.”
How He Won Her.
She was a sweet girl graduate;
The choicest of the brood.
He was almost a savage.
Uncultured, raw and crude.
He didn't know beyond the Alps
That Italy lay fair;
He d1dn’ t know that at the top
Were zones o f room to spare;
But he owned thirteen sections
And paid bills In advance.
Bo when he said, "Please marry me,”
She thought she'd take a chanoe.
Deserve the Treatment,
"Mosquitoes are very bad about the
place this year.”
" I f they are so bad, why don't yon
ha vs them sent to a reform school?"
Would Be His Choice.
“ More people die from overeating
than from starvation."
“ Bat think how much pleasanter a
■sath it la!”
A Double Loss.
“ W hy did he marry her?”
“ Jenks bet him be couldn't.”
•That waa where he lost out twice;”
Veil Named.
The little coin Is fickle
And simply will not stay;
It's called the nimble nickel
Because It gets sway.
The Modern V sy .
“ Thom who dance most pay the fid
A Carton. Freak of Llfthtnluit*
The old adage that “ lightning never
strikes twice in the same place” has
often been disproved. Here is an In
stance in point: In the summer of
1884 the farmhouse of Henry Axtell, in
Chemung county, N. Y., was struck by
lightning three times in one day. First
it split the chimney from top to bottom,
ruined stove and pipe and bored sever
al large holes In the floor. An hour
later a “ bolt” struck tbe same house
and tore a milk bench, upon which sev
eral cans o f milk were setting, all to
pieces. The same evening a third flash
entered the roof and tore the legs from
a bedstead.
I lls E stim ate.
“ H ow far do you travel in crossing
the ocean from Liverpool to New
York?" asked tbe Instructor at tbe
night school.
"F our thousand miles.”
"Oh, no. Think ngain.”
"That's right," persisted the shaggy
haired pupil. "I know tbe book says
8,000 miles, an' that’ s what It is In a
straight line, but f m countin’ 1 . the
ups an’ downs. Tv* been acrost.” —
Chicago Tribune.
Ills T ra de.
"A nd you say you have a trade?”
asked tbe kind lady at the door.
"Y es’ m.” said the tramp, " I ’m a work
er in precious metals and stones.”
"Indeed! And can’ t you get anything
to do?”
"N o’m, de perlice and de Jewelers are
all on to me.”
(Jird to It.
Tommy was visiting a neighbor's.
At dinner the hostess apologized to him
because the table linen was soiled a.
his plate.
"Oh. that’s nothing,” be assured her
promptly. "Ours is worse’n that at
borne.’’—Brooklyn Life.
*TnJaaa they dance to beat tbe band "
W hy, Indeed t
A Pose»
*T make It a point to ballar* Joal
half what I bear.”
, ■'’W h ich h a lf?”
He—Why does a woman alway-
tfilnk she ought to wear a smaller sboc
than she can? She—Why does a mat
always think he ought to wear a large?
hat than he can?—Yonkers Statesman.
Democratic County Ticket
State Senator
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Representatives
L. L. Mulit, o f Ashland
J C. L. Reames, o f Jacksonville
I T. J. O ’ Hara, o f Central Point
Frank E. Bybee, o f Jacksonville
M. Purdin, o f Medford
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R. B. Dow, o f Medford
Oris Crawford, o f Jacksonville
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H. H. Taylor, o f Roxy
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Sheriff
Clerk
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Recorder -
Treasurer
Commissioner
A t W OODVILLE, at Hall, at 8 p. m ., Saturday, May 19.
GOOD SPEAK ERS present and everybody invited.
P U T IO R M
01
R
POLITICAL CARDS
C . H EN S LEY.
(Under this head, announcements o f
Socialist Candidate for State Senator for
candidates o f all parties, for election at
Jackson County
the general June election, will be en
tered at reasonable rates.)
F irst — Believing in the principles of
International Socialism, I hold that la
bor produces all the wealth o f the
L. L. M U L IT ,
world and is therefore entitled to all
o f Ashland,
the wealth o f the world.
Democratic, Nominee fo r
S econd — That our present system o f
government, wherein our represents-1
STATE SENATOR
tives have the power during their term \
For Jackson County
o f office to enact such laws as they J I f elected, wdl vote to repeal “ Gun
see fit, results in class legislation,
License L a w .”
thereby favoring the classes instead o f
the masses and creating a favored class !
who are rapidly absorbing the wealth
F R A N K E. B Y B E E ,
o f the nation; and realizing that so
o f Jacksonville,
long as we continue to live under pri- !
vate ownership system that this state
Democratic Nominee for
o f affairs will always exist, therefore,
SH E R IFF OF JACKSON COUNTY
if elected, I pledge m yself to work for
No. 24, Official Ballot
the overthrow o f this present private
ownership system and inaugurate in its
stead the co-operative commonwealth
wherein the natural resources shall be ORIS C R A W F O R D
the common inheritance o f all the peo-
o f Jacksonville
pie, and wherein every worker shall
D e m o c r a t ic N o m in e e f o r
have an equal voice in the administra
tion o f the affairs o f the government. |
COUNTY TRE A SU R E R
T hird — In regard to electing United I
State Senator by a direct vote o f the
people, I will say that as Socialists we
have no interest in the matter, as we j H E N R Y D. K U B L I,
do not believe in a delegated system o f
o f Applegate
government, and hold that so long as
R
epublican C andidate F or
you give the law-making power into
the hands o f any set o f men, that it
REPRESEN TATIVE
does not matter by or through what j
means they get this power, the fact re
maining that during their term o f office j
they are masters o f the situation, and C H A R L E S V. G A L L O W A Y ,
so long as they have this law-making :
o f Yamhill County
power in their hands they will sell it to j
the highest bidder.
R. C. H ensley .
J
— Minneapolis. Journal-
P R O F E S S IO N A L
I >14.
Central
Qnalnt Cure» of Old.
For epilepsy wear a ring made from
a coffin ring and take seven drops of
blood from tbe tall of a eat. These
remedies are equally efficacious either
separately or in conjunction.
For
toothache carry In the pocket the tooth
o f a soldier killed in battle or eat
mouse nibbled bread or trim your nails
on a Friday. To cure warts, rub a po
tato and give tbe potato to a pig, or
rub them with a piece of chalk, then
put It In a little bag and throw it across
cross roads. Holding the affected fin
ger In the ear o f a cat for half an hour
was reckoned an excellent remedy for
a felon.
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No rumination
’ 07) - John >1. Ge<irin, o f Mult.
-¡Charles V. <5allqway, o f Yamhill
E. C h am berlin , o f Multnomah
P, H. Sroat, o f Marion
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J. D. Matlock, o f Lane
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T. G. Hailey, o f Umatilla
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No nomination
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J. Scott Taylor, o f Klamath
Robert A. Miller, o f Multnomah
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N o nomination
A t WIMER SCHOOL HOUSE, 2 p. m., Saturday, May 19.
A .
It is safest, when that molar
Takes the center o f the stages
Plunging one In darkest dolor.
Causing one to wildly rage,
j
To sidestep and quiet keep
TUI the tooth Is put to sleep.
U. S. Senator (to fill vacancy)
U. S. Senator (term b e g ’ng March 4,
Representative in Congress, 1st Dist.
Governor
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Geo.
Secretary o f State
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State .Treasurer
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Supreme Judge
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Superintendent o f Public Instruction
State Printer
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¡Attorney General
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Commissioner pf Labor
Public Speaking
It is hard for us to realize the deadly
significance to an Italian o f the sug
doubtless want a plank In the political
gestion that one may have the evil eye.
platforms knocking “ R ” out o f the al
Nearness lends enchantment to the I was walking one day with a young
phabet.
aenseo when fried chicken and peaclt American girl to whom I had been un
folding some o f the tragedies I have
pie are under contemplation.
A woman selects her second husband
known connected with the supersti
with a great deal more decision and
An eye opener is a Joke the point of tion. She took it all lightly and jo y
dispatch than she did Iter first.
ously, after the manner o f her kind,
wtiich a blind man can see.
and later, during our walk, when a
The shallower the man Is the deeper
When you have strained your rela saucy, tormenting beggar pursued us,
he pretends to ue.
tions with your sweetheart apply a she made the sign o f the corn! as I had
described It to her, shaking the hand
poultioe o f bonbons and violets.
1 A girl always marvels at the celerity
slightly, with the first and the fourth
with which the masculine halo disap
Stone and Brick Mason
Many a woman has won a husband finger extended. Then the beggar be
pears after marriage.
came convulsed with anger and seemed
by becoming the tall to his kite.
Well and Flue Work
almost beside herself, shrieking out
Sometimes when a woman lays down
such a torrent of abuse that we were
The mostsuo-
the law she takes up the rolling pin.
glad to jum p into a cab and fly from BRICK FLUES BUILT
cessful get rich
the wrath to come. The poor creature
quick
scheme
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED
Some women are never happy nnleoa
was not to be blamed; she knew that
Is
this:
Be
CENTRAL POINT, OR. they are unhappy.
once the shadow of suspicion falls it
born the son
means sAWal excommunication, banish
o f a trust mag
ment outside the pale of whatever so
nate.
ciety one belongs to.—Century.
N O W SPADES ARE TRUMPS.
Many a wom-
Wliintler's Fine Airs.
■a is darker
Mortimer Menpes, the artist, in his
tban
she is
book on Whistler, says: "Sometimes
painted.
we visited a dealer who owed him
Nothing makes a man quite so mad money, and Whistler would receive a
as to discover that a slot machine it check. Once the check was not handed
out of repair after he has put his mon- to him In what he thought a sufficient
ly dignified manner, and he said to the
ay in i t
dealer: ‘This is careless o f you. You
push this check toward me, and you
Toothache.
do not realize what a privilege it is to
L ife Is hardly worth
IfTthff
When one has an aching tuuth.
be able to hand it to the master. You
Who can gentle and forgiving
should offer It ou a rich old English
Be In such a case? In truth.
salver and in a kingly w ay.’ Once a
Candor makes me here declare
Then I’m cross as any bear.
dealer borrowed a gorgeously embossed
sliver salver for the occasion, and when
I am hating all creation
the master arrived for his check—he
When my tooth Is beating time;
When it aches like all tarnation,
was very punctual—presented it on tbe
I am fit for any crime;
salver with a carefully worded and
Still It takes a lot o f grit
elegant little speech that he had taken
To step up and part with it.
some pains to rehearse. The master
When I try the pain to cover,
was pleased. ’This,’ said he, 'is as it
Playing that there Is no ache.
should be.’ ”
H alf a dozen mishaps hover
Round me to advantage take;
To beset me as I grin,
Keeping all the>.swear words In.
Democratic State Ticket
Point
P L E A SA N T S
C en tru l
P o in t, O r e g o n
W M . W . I3 . H O L T , M . I» ,
P h y M ic lu n a n d
One of the Coming
Centers of
the
EAGLE
Famous Rogue River Valley
POINT,
!
S u rgeon
OREGON
MRS. MARY ASHURST
— Teacher o f —
B U S IN E S S A N D R E SID E N C E LOTS have
placed on the market and at very reasonable prices.
again
P i a n o o riti
been
O ryan
Inquire o f Pleasants’ Hotel.
Now is the time to buy lots and we here give a few reasons
why this property is a good and safe investment:
F irst —Central Point has never been boomed, therefore it
has no inflated values, which insures excellent opportunities for
business openings and investments.
S econd — It is the most sightly and centrally located town in
D emocratic N ominee F or
REPRESEN TATIVE IN CONGRESS
Eli Jones-----
the Rogue river valley.
D EALER IN
T hird — It is the main outlet for the large belt o f sugar pine
Dry Goods, Dress Goods, Ladies’
and Gents’ Furnishings, Notions
forests at the head o f this valley.
F ourth — It has more good land tributary and is surrounded
by a more thickly populated country than any town in the valley.
Intensive farming, on small tracts, is the rule.
and Millinery.
F ifth — The town will this summer erect one o f the finest
school buildings in Southern Oregon.
established here.
We Meet and Heat Medford.price«.
to you.
A bank will also soon be
Call and get acquainted and let u* prove it
CE N T R A L POINT, OREGON
S ixth — The mining industry, right at [our doors, is fast be
coming an important factor.
S eventh — The town has the best and cheapest electric light
and power system in Oregon.
All Kinds of Repair Work
Promptly Done
E ighth —We understand that parties are now figuring on
building an electric railway from this point to skirt the entire
valley.
Satisfactio
U E N T R A I
Jeffers & Peart
Central Point is bound to grow and by buying now
you are sure to double your money within twelve months.
For prices, terms and other information, call on or address
N
in t h —
G e n e r a l B la c k sm ith « & W o o d w o r k e r »
HORSESHOEING A SPECIALTY
Lancaster & Pattison,
CENTRAL POINT, OR.
HERALD OFFICE
We
i
treat you and your horses right
•i-H - H- H -l-i-H -i—1