Humor and Plülosophy . ■x »VACAJV M. SMITH _ __ __ __ __ _ i PERT PARAGRAPHS. w HEN a man learus to understand why a woman will change the furniture about s<> that a fellow never knows whether he is to be comforta ble or to stand on his head in a cor ner, theu, and not till then, woman can be expected to understand baseball. Funny that the girl a woman picks for a daughter-in-law never comes within u thousand miles of l»eing the one her sun chooses for a wife Nothing is more exasperating when you are having a well substantiated fit of double refined worry than to have your friends come round and speak to you in soothing tones as they advise you not to. D<»ctors never take their own medi cine. and wpqien never wear the kind of things they pick out for their friends Some people sit around waiting for something to turn up until death turns them down. The wise woman knows that the poor mau who can earn a living is ir much safer Investment matrimonially than the rich man who can only use a living. The man who cares nothing for base ball *s regarded by his acquaintances as a fit subject *or women’s society. Life. Life is such a tangled skein Any’ way it conies across, Partly’ pleasure, partly pain. Sometimes gain and sometimes loss! How the fates their victims toss Hither, thither, everywhere! Lines are tangled, wires cross. And there’s music in the air. Rising from his downy cot, Man essays to mighty deeds. He will clear his corner lot From the tangles and the weeds. Fate his effort llttlo heeds As he struggles with the task, And it’s seldom he succeeds If a friend should pause to ask. Plans are very quickly made, But to put them In effect Takes an expert at the trade If on shoals they, be not wrecked, And the best he may expect As the stars begin to peep Is that he may then connect With a place to eat and sleep. But it is not all a Jolt. There are Joys along the w?.y. He may frolic like a colt Tearing at a bale of hay. There are seasons to be gay If he will adopt that style And insist that, come whaft may. He will not forget to smile. Treasures. •Mj wife makes her own dresses.” “My wife trims her own hats.” “My wife blacks my shoes every morning.” "My wife blacks my eye occasion ally.” “You win. Here’s your cigar.” ’ liîüû ths f ?. yik : A "JETTIR WHiAT" CAMPAIGN. Whin given us soon as tiieermpv Tlu* Oklahoma AuWculturui Col Indians Found an Exciting Uso For the lege. e<» operating With the Bock In Cough appe irs Chamberlain’s C<mgli land Hues covering the state, has in- Remedy will ward oil an anaek til Cooking Utensil*. The Indl iir however averse IIP nun umuruted a “better w heat” campaign, croup and prevents all danger be Io any k ml ol useful lain I . Is mil mnl the general features of the project I’hou-i uni slow to avail himself of a new source are so practical anil sensible that they cause of anxiety. of h uiiisetiieui This wins show n some are worth summarizing for the lienetlt mothers use it successfully, yenrs ago when miiimg lhe supplies of all northern and western states by C. V. Lowe. sent hi the government to a eerliiJi where any serious attempt is made at agency in the west were several hun growing tills great cereal staple, it Is dred large trying pans with lung limi estimated that Oklahoma’s output ol wheat this year -totaling 21.lkW.UIM dies We are Agents for the These the Indian agent found In bushels represents n loss to :lie vvlieat growers of the state of i .'In«1.1 >iHI. (file i stock when tie took possession, mid nt the end of the veil', the number h id solely ;.i th- use of lal.xid aiul mongrel not been diminished. Thinking that s ■> <1 ia:.t ¡ ill. Alilioiigli tins mongrel perhaps lie had not discharged Lis wheat lias I e -u plump mid heavy Ibis whole duty in the matter of supplying I year, it | !•> sent . stull ilitli- uities in I'ni-le Sain's wards w ith tin sc culinary milling that It brings from 5 to 2'> utensils, the agent begmi making spe cents per bushel less than the pure Turkey Rid wh.it. wlilili is accept cial efforts ed us the standard in the state. use them. At first it was bard work. Imt by the It costs 'ui more to raise th ■ pure time in- Il id given out about two dozen brixl wheat; ill fact, the yield is usual there eme a sudden change Not n ly la: r and the price always higher dn.v passed n wlileli the agent did not The I'limptilgn n fern d to is being car have a ppi lea tions for at least a dozen, ried out in a comprehensive manner. and some days lie ilisposisl of twice Jt is to include not only u special train If you are contemn’Ming to run over the lines mentioned, bear ili.it number. Wlieu the supply was nearly ex ing experts to give demonstrations mul buying a Piano, give us hausted lie noticed among the appli le.allies. but the newspupers of the cants some to whom lie had previeus- state are publishing articles on bet a call. It costs you n l.v given pans, mid naturally enough lie ter wheat glowing. Posters outlining became a trille curious to know what the cunipai» ii have been put on dis ing to examine them use they were making of them. He play in p 'stoUices. depots, exhibit que-tiiined several of the men to no building- nud ether |.ului< places. Not I purpose, but at length a young buck only this, I ut experts have been sent more communicative than the rest gave out to find pure sted wheat anil lists him to understand that If he would will be compiled giving addresses of visit a certain part of the reservation those who will have good seed wheat not far away lie would find Ills in for sale. Grain deniers and millers' I'.ssiiciiitiiiu-'. commercial clubs, bank quiry answered. The next day. therefore, the agent ers and I sine s men are nil lending rodé out in the direction Indicated, a Land in (he g >d work, mid with About two miles from the agency he them will < o-ope'.ate the l".,000 odd noticed on the crest of a narrow spur b >.v . l'leiubers of lhe agricultural clubs, of the mountain three or four Indians who have lit-.at furuiihed with good who suddenly disappeared on tile op seed wheat literature. & hoolleachers posite side of the ridge. At the same have been enlisted ill the work and tiirn- lie heard faintly the cry of many have been urged to ask their pupils voices. to bring samples of wheat to school On turning the point of the ridge he and study them so they may b.-come saw a crowd of several hundred In acquainted with the characteristic* of M. G. POHL, Optometerist dians who were shouting as R greatly choice wheat mid stir their futliei up excited He noticed also several ob to get pule seed. As in many ether jects. which he at first supposed to be lines of agriculture, whether it be bowlders, descending the side of the wheat, corn, cotton, potatoes or what mountain toward them with tremen not, the measure of prosperity to be dous rapidity. found in a community depend; upon Instead of fleeing frbni these moving the success with which its staple prod 2d, 3H and 4th Saturdays at objects the Indians simply applauded ucts are grown, hence nil nr.- directly Hotel Gallier, Bandon, Ore. and shouted Soon lie saw other ob or indirectly interested in a real way. jects like the first descending, and in a short time the whole situation was NOT WORTH THE CANDLE. pltUii to him. The tendency mentioned in these Having ‘elected a long, smooth slope O regon of the mountain where there were no notes some little time ago of an over BANDON stones, the Indians hud converted it taxing of immature girls in school as Druggist und Apothecary into a sort of earthen toboggan slide a result of too much study and too and were utilizing the frying pans as little recreation and exercise was Is just in receipt of a now stock of toboggans. Seating themselves In the brought to our notice the other day. A fine little lady of sixteen had taken pans, they grasped the bandies with Drugs and Chemicals, Patent and both hands; then, crossing their legs an auto trip from a nearby town, yet Propiietary Preparations, Toilet Ar- over their arms, they went spinning notwithstanding the trip was in the tides. Drug Sundries, Perfumes, down the slide with great rapidity. nature of an outing she was tn a hur Brushes, Sponges, Soap, Nuts anti The agent let them have the few pans ry to get back so that she could study Candies, Cigars. Tobaccos and Cig that remained in the storehouse, but two hours that night. On inquiry we Paints, Oils, Glass did not order a now supply.—Harper’s found it to be the old. old story of arettes, two bright, intelligent gills, lu the Painter's Supplies. Weekly. same ciass and of ab >ut the same age, who stood neck and neck in their Advantage of the Crinoline. “The crinoline.” says Lady Dorothy grades, each being possessed with the Nevill in her reminiscences, “was an desire fii excel the other. When we odious, hideous and dangerous affair. asked the girl In question if her On one occasion I was as nearly as brother ever brought bis books home possible burned to death owing to one to study she replied, “Yes, but that is I was wearing catching fire, and bail all it amounts to, for he seldom opens I not had the presence of mind to lie them.” Tills in a nutshell explains down and roll myself in a rug I the difference between boys and gills, Semi-Weekly Oregon Journal, one should certainly have been burned to and It Is a fai t that thoughtful parents year_____ _______ .. . _____ $1.50 death. Even at the time when crino ought to take into nc-i unt. However, Semi - Weekly Bandon Recorder lines were in fashion it was generally In nil too many instances parents are admitted that they were monstrous shortsiglited and, instead of discourag one year things, though some women defended ing overstudy on the part of their am bitious daughters, take a keen interest them. One of those, a silly woman, having archly remarked that if crino In their study rivalry mid encourage lines had no other advantage they at and urge them on to still greater ef least kept men at a distance, added, fort. Sometimes her constitution is ■That at least you will admit is a strong enough so that the Immature girl finishes her high school and per great blessing.’ haps n college course, but nt the end ’To the men.' growled an old bach of that time she is all too often done elor who was present.” The Semi-Weekly for a wreck physically and spent nervously, when these powers should A Mean Trick. have been so guarded that she would Being anxious as to his prospects in be strong and vigorous and able to one of his early attempts to enter par meet the duties mid responsibllltes of Publishes lhe latest and most complete tele I la meut. Herbert Samuel consulted his living, Instead of being a broken down, graphic news of the world; gives reliable agent, who said the chances were not miserable invalid. The pupil herself market reports, as it is published at Portland rosy, because he was a “carpetbag should try to look this situation where the market news can be and is cor ger.” squarely in the face, and if she does rected Io date lot each issue. It also has a Mr. Samuel thereupon promised to not | h »-,.- i -s that maturity of judgment i page oi special matter f »r the farm and live in the division if he were success which will enable her to take the right home, an interesting story page and a page ful. and bills were immediately posted course she should be assisted by both or more of comic each week, and it gin’s to that "if Herbert Samuel is returned parents and teachers. This wanton the subscriber twice each week---104 times a next Tuesday he will come to live sacrifice of health and vital force to here." year. secure grades that will only adorn the Some of the other side, however, pages of musty school records Is a posted one of these bills on a pigsty. travesty on education and an insult Mr. Samuel did not win the election to the Giver of life. It Is a species The Semi-Weekly —London Telegraph. of rivalry in which the sacrifice «•li tailed is too great and in which the Taking His Medicine. game is not worth the caudle. He found his hair was leaving tile Gives all th* local news and happenings and top of his bead and took his barber to CAROB TREE FOR CALIFORNIA. should be in every home in this vn inity. The task about it. Bulletin No. iso of the United States "You sold me two bottles of stuff to two papers make a splendid combination and department, written by the director of make this hair grow.” you can save $ I by sending ycur subscrip i the Jeu Isa agricultural experiment "It is very strange It won't grow tions to I he Bandon Recorder. We can again.” Interrupted the ba riser. "I station at Haifa. Palestine, i ontalns in also give <au subs, nl>er- a good clubbing of teresting descriptions of n number of can't understand it.” fer for the Daily ami Sui day, or Sunday plants native to Palestine which, it is "Weil, look here." said the man. ”1 J >urnal in connection with the Semi-Weekly don’t mind drinking another bottle, believed, might Ire valuable if intro Bandon Recorder. but this must be the lust.”—Wesleyan duced in sei tions of California, where lhe climatic conditions are similar. Christian Advocate. Among tliese is a legume, the carob tree (incidentally ft was podn of this Great Prospect*. tree tliut the prodigal Ron Would fain 60 YEAR9- "I’m nt the end of my rope! Every have filled hi* belly with when he was EXPERIENCE resource I have Is gone, und I’m broke In a far country after he had wasted at last." bls substance In riotous living.) When “Have you borrowed all you can?" twenty-five years old this tree is said "Borrowed? No; I haven’t tried to produce as high a yield as 8.001» that." jioiiiids of pods annually, while an acre “And you say yon are at the end of •f the tree will yield a far greater your rope. Why. man, you haven’t amount of nutriment than an acre of TnatiE M arku even started'”—Toledo Blade DeaiGNS the most thrifty alfalfa. These jxrds I CoevniGHTb Ac. Anyone •ending » wkefrh and dewrlnti« n may contain 40 per cent of sugar and about quickly awerijuii our opinion frao wbMher '« Wanted Particular*. 8 per cent of protein and are highly re intention ta probably tmlentabh» < «»turn tin if*. Motortou Senior—You kept the car out garded as a food for stock. lH.na•»ri<<It' -iifldmttlal. |'fl NO BOOK on Patent« • p i « free. aaonry for neeuriiqr pareti' i. rather late last evening. Ron IVhst Putenia taBan tnronrh Munn t < u. without ein.rye, lutue delay«! you? Motorton Junior—Had a blowout, dead. Motortou Senior— H'm Tire or roadhouse?—Puck. A handBomelr IIInMrated weekly. |«arreat r»r- THE HARDWARE MAN BRIDGE A BF.ACII Stover, Ranges and 1 leaders have in them so many exvelleiui.-r that they are now acknowledged lhe greater! seller« on llie coast and ill-y are growing and alfice necessities, and prices range exceedingly mode.! in either case. TINNING AND PLUMBING A SPECIALTY Our Issurliiieut ui Hardware, Huw are auJ I Jgesl Tools I« Must Ci ninleie Famous Baldwin Pianos S am S a \: These cold damp wind 4Í¡ kept out By our No. I Rustic and O. G. Batten: Prices $250 and up Easy Terms BANDON DRUB CO GEO. W. MOORE LUMBER CO Clarence ) A Great Clubbing Offer East and Commodious S. S. BREAKWATER Oregon .Journal "I ain’t your good man.” “My bad map. theu.” “Say, If you waut to find out any thing from me call me Bill.” Confirmed Hie Judgment. After listening to her steady prat tle for a solid hour the man finally managed to get in a word. "Were you educated in a deaf and dumb school?” he asked. “Of course not.” “I just wauted to know.” Wanted the Same Terms. “How do you like my suit?” “Is it paid for?’ “No.” "I like it. Give me the address of the tailor. I want one.” Its Busy Night. “Going to the oyster supper?” “It has been postponed.” “For what reason?" “Tl* oyster we intended to borrow is in use for the night.” Deliberation. We study tor a week or more About a thing on .band. We turn and twist It o'er and o’er The nub to understand; We chase It up and down the lot. Then make the wrung choice like as not Had a Preference. “Are you fond of flattery?' "Fla ttery ?' “Yes.” "Only of the kind that is neTer un masked” Might Crack Them. "People who live in glass houses’’— "Have to be careful alxrut overheat ing the'*" We have the exclusive agency in Bandon lor these household in favor every year. Bandon Recorder I Scientific JliiKricait. it is better to live rich than to die rich.—Johnson. niatio'i of any •«■«enuue >>««r»tal 'I erm*. '« . a I.r : f .ur nioiitua, |L KuUbjai. lewM'D-wiifTn JIUNN &Co,3e,B,M-w” New Yorks braoeb «X k> H*. WMblu<ton. D. C. Leaves Portland (Ainsworth Dock) K p. tn. every Tuesday. nfirm Sailing» Through C, M. SPENCER, Agent Bandon SaS. ELIZABETH NEW STATE-ROOMS INSTAI ! El EigAr ! Day Service Between the Coquille River and San Francisco $7.50 First: Class Passenger Fare, Frei gilt Rates, - $3 on Up Freight J. f Jx E. E. WA-LSTBOM, Agent. Bamioti, Oregon, T. Ksuxr, owners and managers, 24 Calli.uni» St., San I ran<:i*-o, — ------------------------------------------------------------------------ If . you w»li a bottlecolti -• ‘( .dll at the F-agk, Ui you love the goodt^bat • old-- Call al the Eagle. no uae to sit and blink If you really need a drink, Juat make a sign or ring a bell. And you bet they’ll treat yon righi Down al the Eagle Alvi n Munck, Prop. BANDON, OREGON i :\ mion Harness Shop Full line of Harness, Sad dles, Bridles, Halters, Blankets anil everything usually kept in a first* class harness shop. Repairing a Specialty W. J. SABIN, Prop.