KILLED THE LAUGH.
Th* Story af tha Prayer In Roeeini’«
“ Moee In ggitto.”
T H E B E ST B R E A D B A K E D
is a p retty b ig claim t o m ake for
o u r produ ct but a trial w ill co n
vince the m ost skeptical o f its
truth. H o w could it be other
wise, when we em ploy the best
m aterials and the best baking
skill obtainable.
Order a lo a f
to-d a y and it w ill have a perm a
nent place on y o u r table here
after.
J A S . H U T C H IN S &
N e w b e rg , O reg on
SON
•
T h e Newberg Manufacturing and
Construction C o.
For the Best Prices on the Best W indows, Doors, Inter
ior and E xterior Finish, M ouldings, Building Stone,
Cabinet W ork, Store Fixtures and General Mill Work
! THE UNIVERSITY OF OREGON CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOL I
offers. FREE, with the exception o f coot o f postage on papers and cost
o f the University Extention Bulletin, to CITIZENS OF OREGON, forty
UNIVEI
r ---------- by
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. MAIL. Ability to profit by the coureses
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Department. Courses are offered in the departments o f Botany, Debat
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to the Secretary o f the Correspondence School, University o f Oregon
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COURSES IN RESIDENCE at the University prepare for the Pro
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t — — —
4
LIG H T A N D
POW ER
H O U S E W IR IN G A N D
E L E C T R IC A L S U P P L I E S
:
; Yamhill Electric Company j
The Graphic Job Printing Dept.
is the best equipped in N ew berg fo r turning out high-class printing
at lowest possible prices. _ I f you want estim ates on anything in the
Suw* n§o m
a vis.it[ng car<* to a large book or poster, call up
WH iub m , th ere s no jo b too large or too small fo r us to execute.
Print to Please at the ¿Prices that ¿Picase
AN ISLAND WE LOST.
fashion. The coves, the reaches
from the aea, the valleys, the
Caflland Has It, and This Is tha Way patches o f arable land, t *co the
f* * -
They Say She Oet It.
ocean and invite the mariner— for
' Yes, even in these days, yean the Yankee on ths main only ths
since the Ashburton treaty was bluff, brown back, like the shoulders
signed to the dissatisfaction of two of a sullen old man under a son
nations, the Maine Yankee walks l tanned coat I
ont to the peak of West Quoddy
That old story about the manner
head— easternmost nubble of the in which the American commission-
main of our land of the free— 1 era were fooled at the time of the
poi ints his -thin nose in the direc- Ashburton treaty persists on the
tio
ion of the wind blown cliffs of eastern border. It has settled into
Grand M&nan and allows that "the something like grave fa ct You are
island ought to belong to os.”
told that some limpid and well aged
If it did belong to us Yankee ac stimulant was employed to mellow
quisitiveness could stand on the the confabulations between the
cliffs of the main and gaze out over commissioners and insure the
several leagues of tossing sea at amenities of international dis
bare, brown, towwing precipice* course; that the Yankee commis
and boast that the United States sioners were taken out in boats and
had thrust its independent nose into assured that the waters of the S t
the waters of the king to the ex Croix river were discharged to the
tent of an island twenty-one miles west and north of Campobello is
long and aix miles broad. That land and of Grand Manan, and ths
boast, it is to be feared, would be racing tide in the narrows at Lubec
all the interest any Yankee would was exhibited as the rushing water
take in Grand Manan. Ask the life of tbs Mper. But that tide is meiV
long citizens of Eastport or Lubec ly the aiscliarge from the reaches
— Yankee communities lsss than on tbs American side. Not a pint of
twenty miles from the island—if water comes that far to the west
they nave ever been on Grand Ma from ths admitted boundary, St.
nan, and almost to s man they con Croix. Therefore New Brunswick
won the fair barony of Campobello
fess they have not
Grand Manan turns toward the and the grim feudal fastness of
msin s broad and forbidding back Grand Manan.-~Holman Day in
.
o f lofty cliff». The greaf shoulders Harper's Magazine.
o f North head are hunched in «nrl*
his remarks in a pleasant vein,
ing a man ’ bf some originality of
ideas, he illustrates his talk with'a
brand new story. The audience
smiles in s noncommittal manner.
The speaker determines to shake
things up and tells another new
on«. A few scattering laughs are
his reward. So it goes while he
tells half a dozen new ones. Then
an inspiration comes to him. He
realises that the trouble is he is
telling stories they have never
heard.
“ Which reminds me,** he says,
apropos of something he has jnst
said, “ of the two men who ate horse
radish for thei first time.”
He sees four or five men straight
en up in their chain and nndge
their neighbors, as though they
were preparing them for what is
coming.
‘"The horseradish was on the ta
ble,*’ says the speaker, “ and one of
the 'men took a heaping teaapoon-
ful of it at a gulp. Great tears
coursed down his cheeks, and his
friend looked at him with wonder
m ent”
All over the room he now sees
men winking and nodding at one
another as though they were pass
ing the word to wait for the nub of
the story.
“ ‘ What is the matter ?* asked the
friend,** narrates the speaker. “ T
just remembered that my grand
mother died a year ago today,* was
the answer.”
A wave of laughter sweeps over
the banquet hall, and everybody is
happy. At last a story they recog
nize.
“ After a decent interval,” «ays
the speaker, “ the friend asked how
the other man liked the white stuff,
meaning the horeradish. The other
man said it was great, and the friend
tried a tablespoonful of it. Then
he, too, cried bitterly.’
A spasmodic effort at applause is
checked here by those who urge
their friends to wait for the finish
of the story.
'Why are you crying?* asked
the other man. *1 am crying,* an
swered the friend, ‘because you did
not die the same day your grand
mother did.’ ”
And then the cheers and laughter
break forth, the applause continu
ing for fully five minutes, while the
speaker bows and bows and waits
an opportunity to continue his re
marks. He has realized in time
that the average audience wants
jokes that it recognizes as such
from old acquaintance.
Consequently he does not tell his
audience that the story they have
applauded tickled the ears of
Shakespeare and was first printed
along about 1525 in a book called
“ A Hundred Merry Tales,” out of
which Benedick alleged that Bea
trice got her wit.— Wilbur D. Nes-
bit in Chicago Post.
A Long Qrvek Word.
What is believed to be the long
est word to be found in any diction
ary, one that leaves even German
and Dutch hopelessly out of it, may
be turnqd up in Liddell and Scott's
lexicon by those who can read
Greek characters. Those who can
not may be content to know that
thia word, which begins “ lepadote-
machoselachogaleo,” proceeds in
like manner through seventy-eight
syllables and counts 170 letters in
alL Of course no ancient Greek
ever used such a word as this in or
dinary conversation. It is a comic
word invented by Aristophanes for
rythmical delivery in one o f his
plays and means a dish compounded
of all sorts of fish, flesh, fowl and
sauces, which are enumerated in ths
word. The most ingenious English
translation of it yet suggested is
“ hash.” _______________
The sublime prayer of the He
brews when preparing to cross the
Red sea is perhaps one of the
most solemn and majestically grand
composition« that can be found in
the choral repertory, yet at the
same time simple to a degree. This
was an afterthought of tbs com
poser and was not introduced until
the second season of ths production
of “ Moss In Egitto” at Naples.
Ths opera then, as now, termi
nated with ths passage of ths Red
by the Israelites; bat, although
ths audiences were entranced with
ths mnsic, they invariably saluted
the passage of the Red sea with
peels o f laughter, owing to went of
skill o f ths machinist and scene
painter, who contrived to render
this portion of the affair superbly
ridiculous and brought down the
curtain amid uproarious mirth.
Rossini exhibited his usual indif
ference, but poor Tot tola, the poet,
waa driven nearly crazy by thia un
welcome termination of his literary
labors and intensely chagrined at
the idea of to sacred a subject
exciting laughter. This lasted
throughout the first season. The
it waa reproduced with similar
brilliant success (on the first night)
for the music and similar laughter
at the end o f the opera. The next
d«u% while Rossini was indulging in
his usual habit of lying in bed and
gossiping with a room full of
friends, in rushed Tottola in a most
excited state, crying out:
“ Eviva, I have saved the third
act!”
“ How?” aaked Rossini lazily.
“ Why,” replied Tottola, “ I have
written a prayer for the Hebrews
before crossing the dreadful Red
sea, and I did it all in one hour.”
“ Well,” said Rossini, “ if it has
taken yon an hour to write this
prayer I will engage to make the
music for it in a quarter of the
time. Here; give me pen and ink,’
saying which he jumped out of bed,
and in ten minutes he had composed
the music "without the aid of a
p )iano
i
and while his friends were
laughing and talking aronnd
ound him.
3 ring igno-
Thus, owing to the blundering
ranee of a stage carpenter and scene
painter, the world is indebted for
the most sublime preghiera ever
penned.
Night came. The audience pre
pared to laugh as usual when the
Red sea scene came, but when the
new prayer commenced deathly si
lence prevailed, every note was lis
tened to with rapt attention, and
on its conclusion tha entire audi
ence rose en masse and cheered for
several minutes, nor did it ever
again laugh at the passage of the
Red
The Lout Golf Ball.
“ Once in Scotland,” said a pro
fessional golf player, “ I saw a lost
ball cause a great commotion. Over
there, you know, a lost ball means
a lost bole. Two professionals were
playing, and one of them lost a ball
in the tall grass. He searched for
it a long time. Nearly half an hour
passed \ His opponent kept urging
nim to admit that *he ball was lost
and to forego a hole, but this the
other refused to do. And finally,
with a triumphant laugh, be pounc
ed down, fumbled in tne weeds and
rose with a ball in his hand.
“ 'Here’s my balL I’ ve found my
ball I’ he shouted.
“ ‘Yer a liar,’ said the other pro
fessional, *for I've got it here in my
pocket* ” _______________
Unrecorded Dream«.
CAUGHT THE BUYERS.
Oregon Agricultural C ollege.
This great institution opens its
Making Uas of th« Law and Disaster
to Draw Trad*.
(loops for the fall semester on
In an English city not long ago
junior partner o f a dry goods
firm applied for a warrant for the
arrest of his partner on Ihe ground
that he was selling goods below coat
and so ruining the firm. So great
was the local interest in this ease
that ths courtroom was ms crowded
e up
when the suit came
op fi
for trial as it
might ha vs been had a sensational
murder case been ths cause. Coun
sel for the senior partner moved for
a postponement of the trial in order
that he might have more time to
prepare his case. The motion was
granted. As the defendant left the
courtroom the younger member of
the firm stood up and angrily cried:
“ I f he is released the sacrifice
will go on I”
The consequence was that an
hour later the shop was mobbed by
bargain seekers, and eventually,
when the case was called again, no
plaintiff appeared, whereupon the
case was dismissed. The whole af
fair was simply a ruse on the part
of the firm to attract customer«.
Following is an instance of how
disaster was turned to good account
by a French cloth manufacturing
concern. This concern actually dou
bled its profits through a balloon
disaster near Rouen.
this disas
ter the car of the balloon had bro
ken away. The aeronaut and his
elder son were thrown downward,
but the son had been caught by a
hook that pierced his coat He was
carried in this way for some miles
and at last came safely to the
! ground. His coat was repurchased
by the queers, the mentioned com-
any, ana hung in the show win-
ows with a full description of how
it saved the wearer's life.
A Welsh miller had-lost a guinea
piece in a bin of floor and, after
spending many hours in unavailing
search for it, told a friend of his
misfortune.
“ Perhaps it will turn up in one 6f
the sacks,” suggested tne friend,
whereupon the miller was seized
with a brilliant idea. He advertised
his loss in the local papers, offerin
a reward to the finder of the go!
piece. His sales trebled in a week
or so, and be was paid many times
over for the loss of his guinea.—
New York Tribune.
In
September 20tb . Courses ol in
struction include: General A gri
culture, A g ron om y, Animal H us
bandry, Dairy H usbandry, B a c
teriology, B otan y and P l a n t
P a th olog y , P ou ltry H usbandry,
H orticulture, E n tom olog y , V et
erinary Science, Civil Engineer
ing, E l e c t r i c a l Engineering,
M echanical Engineering, M ining
Engineering, H ig h w a y Engineer
ing, D om estic Science, D om estic
Art, Com m erce, F orestry, P h ar
m acy, Z o o lo g y , Chem istry, P h y
sics, M athem atics, English L a n
guage a n d Literature, Public
Speaking, M odern Languages,
H istory, Art, Architecture, In
dustrial P ed ag ogy , Physical E d
u cation, M ilitary Science and
T actics, and.M usic.
C a ta logu e and illustrated liter
ature mailed (jree on application.
Address: Registrar, O regon A g
ricultural College, C orvallis, Ore
gon.
School yea r opens September
20th.
49
Y am hill C ou n ty A b stra ct C o.
J. H. GIBSON, Mgr.
T h e only A bstract Books in
Yam h ill 'County
M c M innville .
O regon
S
Nat to Ba Found In tha Reports.
The Ice Man
Can’ t make stale groceries
palatable.
Better make
your purchases o f
J . L . V a n B la ric o m
w ho carries a nice clean
stock o f everyth ing that
is good to e a t
C all W h ite 1 1 4 an d y ou
w ill get P rom pt S e r w i c e
A prominent Philadelphia lawyer
was narrating to a younger advocate
| some of the delays and complica
tions o f a chancery suit in-which he oeoeoeoea eoeoec^ a ea eoeoeoe
5ee *
^ was engaged. “ Bless me,” said the
junior advocate, “ I never heard of
E. W . M UELLER
anything parallel to that except
For latest spring and rammer nov
Jarndyce versos Jarndyce I” The
elties. Spend your money in New.
other looked thoughtful end pret-
berg; have your clothes made in
your home town instead o f some
ty soon, pleading an engagement,
Eastern sweat shop
went off. The fiext morning he
602 1-2 First St. Phone Black 32
went into the younger man’s office
Nawberg, Oregon
with an air of great vexation.
“ Look here!” he said. “ Why can’t
yon remember names accurately? •♦♦♦♦♦♦♦»♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦»♦ses»
Here I’ve spent the whole night
trying to find
that case of Jarndyce
id th
NEW BERG
versus Jarndyce that you men
tioned, and there isn’t any such
case in the Pennsylvania law re
ports at all I”
4?
; Iron W orks ;;
A Ratty Tala!
F oun dry and M achin e
W ork .
P ulleys, S haftin g and
M achin e S crew s
A rat, caught alive on board ship,
was summarily cast into the sea at
a time when a seagull was floating
leasurely along by the side of the
vessel.
Sixth and Blaine Sts.
The rat immediately made for
and attacked the bird, and after an
exciting tussle the seagull was
strangled to death.
The astute rodent then climbed
on to the lifeless body, hoisted the
left wing to serve as a sail and,
manipulating the other wing as an
oar, gaylv steered his novel craft
Sami-Weekly Oregon Journal,
shoreward.
one y e a r ......................................$1.60
The natural comment to this will
Graphic, one y e a r ......................... 1.60
undoubtedly be “ Ratal” — New York
Journal.
_____________
Total..................
.. 8.00
The subject of dreams is one of
ths moat intricate and perplexing in
the entire field of mental philoe-
; and it has not yet met with
,t amount of attention which its
importance would seem to demand.
Sir William Hamilton, the great
metaphysician, held that, “ whether
we recollect our dreams or not, we
Why Ha Cam«.
always dream.” To have no recol
A
man
rushed into the barber
Not Vary Reliable.
lection of our dreams dodb not
shop
and
jumped
into the first wait
The sages of the general store prove that we have not dreamed,
ing
chair,
explaining,
“ Shave in a
were discussing the veracity of old for It can often be shown that we
hurry.”
The
barber
was
about to
Si Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott have dreamed, though the dream
apply
the
lather
when
he
noticed
ambled in.
has left no trace upon our memory.
the
customer’s
face.
It
had
been
“ What do you think about it, Un
shaved
in
spots
and
looked
like
a
Rather
Rough.
cle Bill ?*' they asked him. “ Would
wornout
hair
nig.
“
I
beg
your
par
Above
the
stairway
there
flick
you call Si Perkins a liar?**
“ Waal,” answered Uncle Bill ered a candle, and then a deep voice don,” said the barber, “ but whoever
shaved you did not understand his
•lowly as he thoughtfully studied called from the shadows:
“ Katherine, Katherine, who is business or must have been near
the ceiling, “ I don’t know as I'd go
that
sandpapering the wall this sighted.” "That's all right,” replied
so far as to call him a liar exactly,
the customer rather sharply. “ Ev
hour
of
the night r*
but I do know thia much— when
ery man to his trade. You are a
A
long
stillness
and
then:
feedin’ time comes, in order to get
“ No one down here, father, dear barber— well, 1 am not; that’s why
any response from his hogs he has
I came here.”
to get somebody else to call ’em for 1 guess it must be next door.”
The
candle
vanished
and
then
him."— Everybody's.
A Loud Call.
from the gloom o f the parlor:
William
H.
Crane, the actor, was
“ George, vou big goose, T told von
Tha Man Who Waa “ Dana.”
once
asked
how
it was that he never
In a case which recently cams op never to cell on me unless you bad
attempted serious Shakespearean
been
shaved!”
—
Chicago
Newt.
lor hearing a certain witness was
roles.
called. On the mention of his name
Bright Littlu Bhavar.
"But I did once,” replied the
a man rose op and said, “ He’s
An old gentleman who had jusi comedian. “ Years ago in tne west 1
gone.”
finished shaving himself said to hi* played ‘Hamlet.’ ”
“ Where is he gone?” said the
“ Did you indeed?" said an ad
little grandson, “ Come hers, Char*
judge. i. "It is fits duty to be hers.”
mirer
and friend. "Didn’t vou have
lie,
ana
1
*1
1
shave
you
too.”
“ Mv
iy lord,” was the solemn reply,
“ You can’t »shave me, grandpa* a great success? Didn’t the audi
“ 1 wadna care to commit mysel as
replied ths boy, “ ’cause my whis ence call you before the curtain ?”
to whaur he’s gone, but he’s deid.”
“ Call me!” roared Crane. “ Why,
kers are not rips yet.” — Denver Re
— “ Soottlah Life and Humor.” by
man, they dared me!”
publican.
W. Sinclair.
A Great
Clubbing Offer
Both Papers, Oaa Y
.9a.oo
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Publishes the latest and most complete
telegraphic news o f the world; gives re
liable market reports, as it is published
at Portland, where the market can be,
and is, corrected to date for each issue.
It also has a page o f special matter for
the farm and home, an entertainiiw
story page and a page or more o f comic
each week, and it goes to the subscriber
twice every w e e k - 104 times* year.
The Graphic
Gives all the loc J news and happenings
and should be in every home in this vi
cinity.
.
The two papers make s splendid com
bination and you save $1 by sending
your subscription to the Graphic.
We can also give our subscribers a
good clubbing offer for the Daily and
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