THE (XH'IUEH
girl; If she happens to marry a man
who appreciates the poetry of her
nature, she is the best thing that ever
happened. She looks young when she
Is seventy yean old, ami her whole
career Is one long basket picnic. But
If she marries the wrong man, which
she docs In ninety-nine caaaa out of
a hundred, ahe loses her grip as soon
ns she finds that her dreams were all
moonshine, and then she develops In
to a shrew,
“Why does Tobias marry Jemima?
THE DESIRABLE HUSBAND That's the real problem, lie's so dear*
' sighted lu most thlugs he should be
<( JEMIMA lilNSWANGER wna In
J link when «lx* cayyired Tobias able to see that sliy Isn't the wile he
needs, but men have blind staggers
Todmarah." observed the druggist.
when they think they are in love."
“Tolw ••III malm a perfect husband,
or 1 nil«» my guess. lie baa no bad
No Caso, but Oot a Bill.
moneymaker. with
Angry Mun—Here, what do you
out being a tight
mean, sending me thio bill for |10?
wnd. Hhe will I h *
Didn't you say that I had no case
able to bask In agulnst the railroad company?
the lap of luxury
Lawyer—My dear sir, that la what
the feat of her the bill la for—advice.—New York
days."
Central Magaxlne.
“Of course that
ought to make her
Runs Either Way.
ha|q>y." eoinment-
“Are you a bull or bear In Wall
ed
the
village
street?"
patriarch. “but I
“Neither," replied Mr. Dustin Stax.
doubt whether It
, "When I'm on the trail of a sure prof-
will. I have heard
i It I'm a bloodhound; und when I’m
a lot of |ieuple
■ scared, I'm u rabbit."
xpcuk of the mar
riage of tliesc
Misleading Start.
two. and they all
"When a man begins a sentence
take the same view; Tolie la a good
with 'I understand—'"
cl I Isen and a moneymaker, and con
“What then?"
sequently he pught to be a flrst-claM
“He usually proceeds with an etTorl
husband. Home of the eltlxena who
to discuss something of which he has
talk thia way are venerable married
no understanding whatever."
men. and they ought to know better.
“Of course a woman llkea to have
Simple Deduction, i
plenty of money, and unlimited credit
“Now. tell me the truth.” snld the
at the stores, but the man lan't proper
fussy old Isdy to the corner mendicant,
ly educated who aaaumea that ahe will
be satisfied with that. I am not the "are you really blind?"
“Yea, ma'am," said the beggar.
official forecaster, and I haven't my
“What Is that 1 am about to give
giMwebone with me. but 1 venture to
predict that (lie marriage will he a you?”
“A nickel ma'am."
dismal failure. Tobias, with all hla
"Ha! If you are blind how do you
exi-ellent qualities. Is the most close-
mouthed man In town, and If he ever know It's a nickel r
"Because, ma'am. I never get more
had an emotion he probably look It
for a chill, and began doping himself than a nickel out of people like you.*“
with quinine. There's ns much senti
Sojer Philosophy.
ment in a concret» bitching post aa
“How many halvoo are there to a
there Is In that man.
“Jemima, on the other hand, fairly man, Pete?"
"Don't be a fool, there's only two
slops over with sentiment. Kite's a*
languishing sort of girl, who looks up halves to anything. Why?"
“Well, when I came out of the
on herself us a vine, and will want her
husband to l>e a sturdy oak, so she trenches *1 was half-starved, half-
can wind herself around him. aa It froxen. half blind and half-plain dead.
were. She will expect Tobias to tell How come?"—American I.eglon Week
her. four thousand times a day, how ly*
much lie loves her; and every time he
takes a chnlr she will climb on his
knees nnd push her topknot Into Ills
face, nnd expect him to assure her In
burning lunguage that he simply
couldn't live five minutes without her.
"When that sort of a girl gets the
right husband, my friends, she la an
excellent wife. She would make any
•acrittce for him. She wouldn't care
a picayune about the alxe of hla bank
account. She'd be perfectly willing
to live under a bridge with him. and
wear n burlap gown, If he'd only keep
on telling her that she Is the entire
solar system where he Is concerned.
HE'8 BETTER OFF
It Is a tragic fact that tills sort of
“Look at that poor motorist being
girl seldom docs get the man she
towed In by a horse.”
ought to have. She should splice up
“Lucky guy, I calle him. Ho ain't
had to buy no gas since ho broke
with a half-baked poet, or a hungry
down.”
artist with long Itulr, but there Is
much Irony In human Ilves and des
“The Good—“ You Know—
tinies, nnd so ahe usually marries it
When correcting your youngster
man who la strong on mathematics
lie it by rod or tongue,
and short on sentiment.
It might be well to remember
That you didn't die young.
“That's the mistake Jemima is mak
ing. Why docs she ntnrry such a hard-
Easy Resolution.
bended Individual ns Tobias? Because,
“Jngsb.v Insisted on carrying nibbles
like all her kind, she Is a dreamer of
dreams, and she has given him attri home Inst night.”
"Well?”
butes which don’t belong to him. She
"But nibbles Insisted on carrying
him framed up a character for him,
and i it Isn't a bit like the real goods. Jagshy home.”
"How did they decide the mattert'
When she Ims been married a little
“They atnyed In town."
while she will sea that her blueprints
and apeclllcutiona were all wrong, nnd
True Hospitality.
the disappointment will make an old
“My wife thinks we run a hospitable
woman of her, and her temper will
become warped and she'll lie so dis house. What's your notion of a hospit
agreeable In every way that her hus able house?"
“Oh, for me, I feel that It's a hospit
band will spend most of hla time
flunking up excuses for staying away able house when In the come and go
of company enough umbrellas are left
from home.
-.“That's the way with a sentimental to keep It supplied."
Uncle Wali’5
O
PACK FIV3
HISTDRYTI
MYSTERIES
z <z Mr «ww or z « w**r*J—y
THE MISSING MESSENGER
TT WAS on June 14. 1001, that Kent
A Ixxanis. brother of F. B. I-oomla,
the assistant secretary of state, sailed
frotu New York on board the Kaiser
Wilhelm II, beurlng with him the text
of a treaty between the United States
and Abyssinia—a treaty concerning
which there had been much conjecture
and speculation on the part of certain
European powers.
Under ordinary circumstances Loom-
1s would have taken his wife and child
with Idm; on thia occasion, he con
sidered It l>ewt.to leave them behind
In Parkersburg, W. V., both on account
of the fact that he was on a diplo
matic mission and because he Intended
to participate In some big-game hunt
ing after delivering the treaty to King
Menellk.
Nothing unusual occurred on the
trip until the morning of June 20, tlie
day on which the steamer was due to
«lock at Plymouth. England. It was
then noted that Loomis' seat at the
captain's table was empty and a
steward was dispatched to And out If
he were III. A few minutes later the
steward returned with the news that
Ixiomis* berth had not been occupied
and an Immediate search of the ship
was ordered—but without bringing to
light the slightest trace of the repre
sentative of the American government.
Several passengers volunteered the
Information that they had seen
Loomis on deck shortly after mid
night and William E. Ellis, cabin
mate and traveling companion of the
missing passenger, declared that bls
friend's absence from the cabin had
not alarmed Idm because of the fact
that Loomis had come In at a fairly
late hour on several previous evenings.
British officials at Plymouth and the
French officers at Cherbourg repeated
the search of the steamer, but In vain.
Nothing was missing from the cabin
ears the suit which Loomis was wear
ing at the time and even the flat dis
patch box which <*ontalned the text of
the treaty was found concealed be
neath a pile of clothing In one comer
of Loomis' trunk. Investigation de
veloped the fact, however, that the
State department maaaenger had been
In the Imblt of carrying this box In
hla pocket anil had laid It aside on the
previous evening only because It made
an uiiM*emly bulge In the dress clothes
which he had donned In honor of the
captain's dinner.
During the next few weeks rumors
of all kinds flll«td the press on both
sides of the Atlantic. Loomis had gone
suddenly mad and had been placed in
a sanatorium. He had slipped off the
steamer at Plymouth disguised aa a
second-class passenger. He was the
victim of n clique of International
spies who. balked In their attempt to
secure possession of the text of the
treaty, were holding him for ransom.
He was still confined In the hold of
the Kaiser Wilhelm—and so on to the
limit of the Imlglnatlons of those who
like to itwe fact as n basis for Action.
But all these reports were set at
rest when, on the morning of July 16
—Just thlrty-two days after Loomis
had sailed from New York—a body
wna washed up nt Warren Point,
about fifteen miles from Plymouth.
Believing that the body was that of a
common sailor, the local police were
about to Inter It without further cere
mony, when, from the watch-pocket
of the trousers there dropped a waler.
Bonked bit of pasteboard, upon which
was barely discernible the name,
"Kent J. Loomis."
Careful examination of the body
developed the fact that, under the
right ear, there wna a circular wound
which appeared to have been Inflicted
before death and a post-mortem ex
amination of the lungt- of the dead
man allowed conclusively that death
had been due to the blow which had
resulted In this wound, rather than to
drowning. The physicians were di
vided In (heir opinion as to wliethet
! the blow had been delivered by an ftp
1 strument similar to a blackjack or
whether I .oom Is might have fallen and
struck his head against a projecting
portion of the Ironwork on the steam
er. Examination of the Kaiser Wil
helm's log showed, however, that the
sea had been extremely calm on the
i night that Loomis came to his death
1 and that there had not been enough
I roll to cause anyone to lose hla foot-
: Ing. Besides, there was the evidence
of the manner In which the body was
clotbed. The coat was missing, the
collar had been tom partly away and
there were other signs of rough treat-
■ meat before Ixximis had struck the
water.
It was therefore practically certain
that the messenger had been mur
dered. Bot who had killed him—and
1 why? Had he been struck down on
account of the money he was csrrylng
' or because of the treaty? Was his
death a forecast of the World war
which was to follow twelve yesrs
i Ister?
These and all the other questions
which surrounded the mystery remain
as one of the unsolved riddles of
diplomatic intrigue.
A Bit Skeptical.
“Who Is the Important looking
stranger?"
“He styles himself advance guard of
pros|>erlty. He Is here to at'dress the
business men of our town."
"The hotel proprietor doesn't seem
to believe he's the advance guard of
prosperity. He has Just refused to
cash the stranger's check."—Binning-
I ham Age-Herald.
THE MANTLE OF CHARITY
Mrs. Primms—That woman Just
ahead of ua Is Mrs. Torse In her
latest evening gown. She puts every
cent she has on her back.
Her Husband—Ah well, poverty la
no crime.
Serious Stuff.
1 A humorist wrote In a Hshteom* w.v
Of the price of fuel, the other day;
But I don't see. to eave my soul.
How a fellow can Joke about a ton 0'rt.sl!
Pardonable.
"What Is your reason for proposing
I to me again after I refused you so
emphatically?" Inquired Miss Cayenne.
“My mistake,” rejoined the young
man. “Since you bobbed your hair
and put on knickerbockers I didn't
know you were the same girl."
A Burden Lifted.
"What's the matter with Jibway?
He looks depressed.
"He has given up the struggle of
trying to make both ends meet."
“Most p«*ople begin to look younger
when they reach that decision.”
Discretion.
“Whnt Is your favorite recreation?"
"I decline to answer,” replied Sen
ator Sorghum. "I'll take a chance on
differing with a constituent on a ques
tion of serious public opinion. But if
you ever intimate that you don’t re
gard a friend’s particular pastime as
the greatest of sports you lose hint
forever."
t
NEEDLE88
Daughter—Pa, ourdomeetle science
professor la teaching ua how to spend
money.
Dad (Interrupting)—Next he'll ba
teaching ducks hew to swim.