The Maupin times. (Maupin, Or.) 1914-1930, April 14, 1916, Image 6

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

    THE RUMMAGE IE
By HOPE AINSLIE.
One of those woolen fascinators that
women used to wear over tholr hair
when they went out tn the evening, a
set of bone dishes of the same date of
usefulness, an umber of dilapidated
umbrellas, band-boxes full of old hats
and pieces of hats, saucers without
any cups and cups without any sau
cers, and a motley collection of out-of-date
men's and women's clothing
such was the array of articles that
Molly Borgen found In the living room
one cool morning In November when
she returned from bar usual trip to
the village.
"Whatever on earth" she began,
pulling off her gloves and slipping out
of her Bport coat.
Her mother anticipated her ques
tion. "Those are for the rummage
sale for the benefit of the old people's
home." Mrs. Bergen was sitting at
her desk laboriously rubbing the
names off from Christmas and Easter
and other seasonal cards. "I'm gut
ting these cards ready, too. I've saved
them ever since before you were born.
There are many hundreds of them
and most of them I can use. We can
sell them for five for a cent. Some
one will want to buy them."
Molly drew her chair to the open
fireplace and stretched out her hands
to the blaze. "Have you heard the
news, mother?" she asked by way of
announcing that there was news to
tell. "The Stanleys' house Is opened
again. Yes, It Is Tom Stanley. I
think, though I know you don't agree
with me when 1 say that he is quite
the best looking man that I ever saw.
I know what you are going to say.
You're going to say that It isn't be
coming for a young, eligible girl to
make complimentary remarks like
that about men you weren't going to
say It Just that way, but that would
have been the gist of It. But really
you mustn't mind. All girls are quite
frank about those things nowadays."
"I wasn't going to say that at all,"
assured the mother. "I'm sure Mr.
Stanley Is very handsome, but don't
Imagine for a minute that the heir to
that large fortune is going to be one
little bit interested in a little country
mouse like you."
"I'm not a country mouse at all.
Haven't I been away to boarding
school? Anyway, I've met that Stan
ley man and he's fine. His cousin was
at boarding school not that he cared
at all for her. She was engaged at
the time. He dropped around to see
her once or twice. I mot him. But
what were you going to say?"
"Simply that your remark gave me
an Idea that I might telephone there
for a bundle of rummage. I am sure
they have plenty of old things that
they don't want that would sell very
easily."
"No one is there but old Tom and
the man who drives his car. Old man
hates the country. Son adores it.
He's making the old house a head
quarters for a hunting trip. Just gets
In the village on the eleven-seven and
starts out bunting again this after
noon. That's what the village gossips
ay."
Before Molly had finished, Mrs. Ber
gen had picked up her desk phone to
get Into communication with the Stan
ley house. Her voice was Bweetness
personified when she spoke.
"Mr. Stanley, excuse me for phon
ing the minute you arrived, but we are
giving a rummage sale, beginning this
afternoon, for the benefit" and so
she went on with her honeyed wordB
of explanation.
As a matter of fact, the telephone
bell had been ringing wbon Stanley
arrived at the house. Tom had
dropped the armful of paraphernalia
that he had with him on the front
porch to hurry In to answer the call.
There was a chance that it was impor
tant business news from New York,
Meantime his one-time chauffeur, who
was active as chief cook and bottle
washer and boon companion on the
proposed hunting trip, had stopped at
the village for provisions ana Tom naa
dismissed the station taxi.
"I'm sure I can dig up something.
Old books we have lots of," Tom said
over the phone. "And I have a trunk
full of old clothes somewhere. I'll
get my man to hunt them up. Noth
lng very wonderful, of course, for we
have to wear our clothes till they are
worn out, but perhaps they will be
salable for a few cents. I really
wouldn't dare to give you anything
from around the houBe, though I am
quite sure there are loads of useless
things, but when fay Bister comes out
next time she might discover that 1
had given away all the family heir
looms. I'll send my man over with
the bundle."
"Please don't bother," Mrs. Stanley
replied. "I shall be delighted to stop,
You may be away on your trip. In
that case, leave the bundle on the
front veranda. My daughter will run
down In the car. My daughter Bays
she has met you. No, Indeed, I should
really rather have her stop for them."
Tom Stanley experienced a decided'
ly agreeable turn of memory at the
name of Mrs. Stanley's daughter. Yes
she was the decidedly pretty, viva
clous brunette he bad met at his cou
sin's boarding school. She had told
him that her home was near one of
bis many homes. He had promised
himself the pleasure of bunting her up
some time. In fact, he had made two
trips to the country with a half idea
of finding an excuse to meet her again,
But Tom was anything but a ladles'
man, and hs had moroly loafed around
the rambling old house for a day or
so reading beside the open fire that
his man kept burning cheerfully tor
him.
Today he had Intended to 'start out
after luncheon. He decided to wait
till the girl had called. While his roan
prepared the simple luncheon he rum
maged around the attlo for the prom
lsed books and clothes. He got them
ready In a large basket that be
thought could be easily put Into the
ear.
It was three when Molly called.
Tom bad not gone out. "Even It Mr.
Stanley should still be In," her mother
bad warned her, "just pick up the bun
gle tram the veranda and come away,
You know how people would talk If
they saw you going Into his house."
An hour later, Stanley, having
missed the sound of Molly's light foot
steps on the veranda and giving up
ope of seeing her, started off for bis
trip to the hunting club. On the ver
anda, ho looked for the bundle be
had loft thore hurriedly when he en
tored the house In the morning. It
contained a new fur motor coat, mink
lined; two Bloeplng rugs, hunting
boots, oilskins, half a dozen new books
fresh from the printers, and two new
steamer rugs In short, his entln out
fit outside of provisions and arms, lie
thought perhaps be had left them In
the station taxi, but a trip of his man
to the station and his own recollection
of having lifted the bundle from the
taxi convinced him this was not the
case. Perhaps his man naa taiien me
things IndoorB for safekeeping; but
on Inquiry and patient searching be
found this was not so.
After passing a half hour in doubt,
he suddenly recalled that something
had been said about Molly Bergen tak
ing a package left on the veranda.
That cleared the matter. He would
telephone to the Borgons at once. Of
course they would have seen the mis
take. It would be easy to explain.
But no one was home but the cook.
"Sure 'nuff Miss Dorgen and Miss
Molly done gone to the scrubbage sale.
YasBar, been gone all afternoon. No,
sir, there's no telephone thore. It's
at the old hay born on the Smith place
and the Smith place done burnea
down, so there's no telephone there,
either."
It was nearly five and Tom was Just
gotling ready to start out In person to
the "hay barn" of the Smith farm,
wherever that might be, when the
phone rang at his side. It was Mrs.
Ucrgen'B sweetest voice.
I Just took a chance at finding you
home. I thought maybe it would be
cold for you to start out this after-
noon. I must thank you. Such beau
tiful things I never saw. Why, It was
only about ten minutes before they
were all sold. And such high prices,
too! We actually got twenty Collars
for that coat" Tom had paid eighty
for It a week before "and the books
my daughter was glad to buy. One
would hardly know they had been
read" As a matter of fact the leaves
had not even been cut. "And the rugs
and the blankets and everything were
simply splendid. I can never thank
you enough for being so interested In
our old people's home. They really
mado my little offerings look quite
shabby. I had managed to get to
gether some Interesting antiques my
solf that sold pretty well, but not so
well as your things. And, Mr. Stanley,
If you would care to we should be de
lighted to have you come to call. You
are all alone. Perhaps you would
share our simple family dinner with
us.
I'll send down the car for you at
once, no, l promise i won i nave o
thing done for you except to have an
extra place laid. And I'll tell you that
our waitress has gone and we have
only a cook, so you know how simply
we shall dine." She dldn t add that
there had never been a waitress In the
Bergen household and probably never
would be.
No sooner had she put down the
telephone receiver than she rushed to
the kitchen, her excited daughter who
had been listening to the conversation
following her. "Olive, for pity sake,"
she said, addressing the cook, "open a
large can of bouillon and some olives.
And If you have time make the butter
Into balls and get out that bottle of
port that the grocer sent by accident
with the last order. And, Molly, hurry
and got out the best china, and lay an
extra place at the table, and got down
the candlesticks and and when your
father comes In whisper to him that
he Is to make no comments. Tell him
not to put his foot In It the way he did
the last time we used the candles by
asking If the electricity had been
turned off. And, Olive, be sure to
wear that cap I bought you the time
the minister dined with us. Molly,
you'll have to take the car around for
Mr. Stanley. You might make some
remark about the chauffeur being 111
or his day off or something If you
think It would look better. Slip Into
your little blue mull before you go.
I'll wear my black moire. Really,
those Stanleys must have a great deal
of money to be able to discard such
Derfectly splendid things. And he
seemed so dollghted when 1 told him
that they had sold well. I am sure he
has a very kind heart. Molly, he is
really Interested In you already, for
he seemed fairly to Jump at the Invi
tation to dinner. I wonder why he
didn't go hunting. It wasn't really so
very cold."
(Copyright, MIS, by McClura Newspa
per oynuicuie.j
Open Up New Caledonia.
Mineral smelting works lave now
been established In the colony ot
Now Caledonia, according to a recent
conrular report. A very considerable
capital has been embarked In these
and similar enterprises tnd In future
the mineral riches of New Caledonia
will be devoloped In a regular and
methodical fasL.on, which will safe
guard the colony tgalnst the recur
rence of those economic crises which
she has had tc face periodically In the
paBt. Openings lor trade present
themselves in respect to a number of
articles, which have hitherto reached
the colony from German sources.
On the Street Car.
"You can't smoke In here, sir,'
eald
the conductor.
"I'm not smoking."
"Your cigar is."
"Well, don't blame me. It's a strong
cigar and does as It pleases."
"See here, elthor you or the cigar
will have to be put out."
Aftor thinking over this ultimatum
for a moment, the passenger rubbed
the end ot the cigar on bis shoe and
put It out
If.
"The new minister called upon the
factory superintendent today."
"How'd he come outT"
"Boiling. The busy superintendent
thought he was a man looking for a
Job and told him that he would give
him a job In spite ot bis looks. It he
could furnish first-class references and
give a bond."
JKrs.EA.
WAIAlLJ
PETER PAN. ' ;
Peter Pan was a little black kitten,
And he lived with his mother, at
Farmer Jones' farm.
Peter ran all over the house; no
room was too sacred for him to enter,
and he even slept on the bid In the
spare room when the fancy took him
to do so.
He chased the chickens and the
little ducklings, and, although he had
never harmed them, he bad frightened
them very much, and mode their
mother very angry.
"That Peter Pan Is a spoiled kitten,"
said Mother Hen to Mother Duck, "and
he needs to be punished, but his
mother will never do It, and we will
never get a chance, bo I suppose we
will have to put up with his pranks."
But fate delivered Peter Pan Into
Mother Duck's power In an unexpected
way not long after the conversation
between Mother Duck and Mother
Hen.
Peter Pan saw the ducklings wan
dering about the yard one day not far
from the pond, so , ho slyly crept
toward them, hiding In the bushes
until he was right beside them. Then
he sprang out, and the poor, fright
ened ducklings waddled to the pond as
fast as their legs would carry them.
A piece of board lay partly on tho
His Eyes Staring With Fright.
sank and partly In the water, and one
of the ducklings waddled on it before
he plunged Into the pond.
Peter Pan ventured too far this
time, and when he stepped on the
board it slipped from the bank and
Peter Pan went with it. He was so
little that It kept afloat, and there he
was sailing from land, his eyes staring
with fright and his loud meows could
be heard over the barnyard.
Mrs. Tabby came running down to
the pond, and when she saw her Peter
Pan sailing away she almost fainted.
"Save him I Save him!" Bhe cried,
running around the yard. But there
was no one to save him. The hens and
the rooster ran to the edge of the
pond and looked, but they could not
swim, and Mother Duck was on the
pond with her children.
When the ducklings saw Peter Pan
they were frightened at first, for they
thought he was chasing them even on
the pond, whore they had always been
Bate, but in a minute they saw that
Peter Pan was the frightened one this
time, and they gathered around him.
"Hello, Peter Pan!" they said. "How
do you like our pond? You are not
sailing very fast, so we will help you."
and they gave the board a push with
their bills, making Peter Pan sway
and nearly lose his balance.
"Go awayl Go away!" he called to
them. But they only quacked and
quacked to see him frightened, and
gave the board another push. This
time he lost his balance and hls hlnd
legs went Into the water.
Peter Pan meowed loudly for help,
and his mother on shore called to
Mother Duck to keop her ducklings
from bothering her Peter Pan.
"Keep him out ot our pond," called
back Mother Duck; "he should not get
In their way it he does not want to
be bothered."
"But he can't get out of the pond,"
said Mrs. Tabby. "Do help him; he
will be drowned If someone does not
help him."
But Mother Duck was not ready to
help him yet; she Intended that Peter
Pan should have a lesson he would not
soon forget. So she went to the side
of the board and flapped her wings,
making small waves in the pond,
which sent Peter's treacherous little
craft Balling out Into the middle of
the pond with Peter meowing as loud
as he could.
Mother Duck sailed after him, fol
lowed by her little ones, and after lot
ting Peter got a few more flights
from the tipping of tho board, Mother
Duck said to him: "If I take you back
to the barnyard, will you promise
never to bother my children again, or
Mother Hen's brood, either?"
"Oh, yes," meowed Peter Pan, very
meekly. "If you will only take me
hack to my mother 1 will never chase
any of the chickens or ducks again."
"Very well," said Mother Duck,
"then I will take you home, but If
you ever bother my chtldren again I
will take you out here and let you
stay. Now hop on my back and I will
swim ashore with you."
"There is your Peter Pan," said
Mother Duck when she reached shore.
"I think we have given him a lesson
he will remember for a long time, and
I advise you, Mrs. Tabby, to see to It
that he behaves In the future, or the
next time he may not get back to
land."
Mrs. Tabby promised that he should
never bother anyone again a she
licked the water from Peter's coat,
and she also thanked Mother Duck
tor bringing him safe to land.
Peter Pan did not roam about th
barnyard much after that. He no
longer frightened anyone, and be felt
very much ashamed whon be remem
bered bow frightened he bad been on
the water and how little courage he
bad displayed In the face of danger,
which Is very often the case with
those who bully others.
WHAT HAPPENED IN FEBRUARY
Month In Whloh Many Great Move
ments Were Launched or Ended
Rich In Birthdays of Men.
Why the second month of the year,
with Its short, gloomy days, should be
the month In which so many great
movements began or were brought to
a successful close, Is more than I can
toll, but bo it is. On the second day
of this month, 1881, the great Chris
tian Endeavor society, which now gir
dles the world with blessings, had Its
humble beginning. On the tenth day
of February, 1878, the great Blue Rib
bon Temperance movement began In
London. On February 13, 1689, the
declaration of the EngllBb Bill of
Rights ended a civil atrugglo which
had been going on for more than fifty
years. February 24, 1881, saw the be
ginning of a work in which we are
all Interested, the Panama canal. On
February 26, 1861, Victor Emmanuel
was declared king, thus bringing all
Italy under one crown, which had long
been the dream of those who loved her
best. I think I am safe In saying that
all these movements were for the good
of humanity.
February is especially rich in the
birthdays of great men; there are
two a week, and several over. Of
course you know the birthdays of
George Washington and Abraham Lin
coln, and Longfellow, almost our great
est American poet. Thomas A. Edison,
Charles Dickens, the English novelist,
who toppled down prisons with his
clever pen, and Montaigne, a great
French essayist, were all born In Feb
ruary. Among February's children
are Melssonler, a great French paint
er, George Peabody, the American phi
lanthropist, and Sir Edward Coke, an
English lawyer, who lived in Queen
Elizabeth's time, and whom you might
call the father of English law. Berta
Hart Nance in Boy's World.
STUDYING ART IN NEW YORK
Village Boys and Girls With Nothing
but Youth's Optimism Few
Expectations Realized.
Geniuses are popularly supposed to
be more or less Independent of crea
ture comforts, but few of the young
persons who come from all over the
United States every autumn to study
art In New York are In the genius
class. For the most part they are
young men and women of average
ability, seven-eighths of whom are
bent on becoming self-supporting as
soon as possible, and the majority of
these have hearty appetites and good
digestion whon they arrive. After
three or four months of study in New
York It sometimes happens that their
digestion Is not so good, writes a cor
respondent of Pittsburgh Dispatch.
At one time students thought $5 a
week quite a liberal Bum to spend for
room and board, $4 being oftener the
allowance. There are now plenty of
young women students who come here
prepared to spend no more than this
a week, undeterred by the tales of
soaring prices for rents and provi
sions. Perhaps along with these tales
they have read others of how easy It
Is to prepare a nourishing bill of faro
for 89 cents a week or something like
that. At any rate with the optimism
of youth and ignorance these young
women arrive, determined to get along
somehow, few having made any provi
sions for accommodations before leav
ing their native village or town. In
perspective studio life in New York
looks alluring, and young women ex
pect to fit into a corner of some pic
turesque studio at a nominal price as
easily as It is done in novels dealing
with European art circles. With few
exceptions their expectations are not
realized.
FATHERS AND PIG-CLUB BOYS
Remarkable Gain Made by Pig, Owned
by Son in Comparison With That
Raised by the Parent.
At a Kentucky fair two purebred
Duroc JerBey litter mates were shown.
One belonged to a pig-club boy, the
Small Pig Raised by Father, and
Large One by Son.
other to his father. Both purchased
their pigs eight weeks old. Both
started even.
The records of the boy show his
pig weighed 27 pounds at that time.
Within the next four months she had
gained 167 pounds at a cost ot five
cents a pound; or one and two-fifths
pounds dally gain on a ration of corn,
flour, shorts, and buttermilk. The fa
ther's pig, unrecorded, shifted for her
self. At the fair the boy's sow weighed
194 pounds and was a prize winner;
the father's weighed BOH pounds.
Another father seelcted a pig from
the same litter as did his two pig-club
sons. His pig was put in a pen and
fed corn. The two pig-club boys fol
lowed Instructions and ted properly
balanced rations and used pasture. At
the fair the father's pig weighed a
little over 60 pounds; the prle-wln-
ning hogs of the boys averaged over
100 pounds each. The sons know H
cost them 4Vi cents a pound to pro
duce their hog; the father does not
know what his hog cost
Etch
rt Affic1& TKW 3-S55S
V -fa i M
n ,u yaw
IMC. ASPHALT LAKE.
ANY people have heard of the
pitch lake" of Trinidad, but
very few have any Idea of
what It Is like. Some home-
keeping writers of an Imaginative bent
Inspired, perhaps, by the sight of a
caldron of boiling tar have pictured
it as a seething inferno of heat and
boiling vapor, a sort of miniature
hades. As a matter of fact, it is noth
ing of the kind, writes Victor Pitt
Kethley In the Wide World.
Though disappointing at first sight
to people who have the crater of an
active volcano In mind, yet the "pitch
lake" is remarkable enough one of
nature's wonders. Apparently well
nigh bottomless, It is composed of
solid asphalt, and the excavations
made by day are mysteriously filled up
at night, although the general level
of the lake Is slowly sinking. The
lake is situated near the town of
Brighton, in the south of the island.
Traveling south from Port of Spain,
the capital, one reaches the little town
of San Fernando, Inhabited chiefly by
Indian coolies. Here a little steamer
leaves dally for trips along the coast.
The landlocked waters of the gulf are
usually calm, and the green mountains
of Venezuela are seen mlleB away In
the blue haze. The steamer's course
runs close to a shore bordered by man
grove swamps, and after several hours
Brighton is reached, where the steam
er stops at the long pier of the New
Trinidad Lake Asphalt company, Ltd.
Here we go ashore, as the pier is the
most convenient point from which to
approach the lake.
Brighton Is an active little town,
quite cloBe to the lake, and we find
ourselves at once In the midst of the
asphalt Industry. There Is a little of
fice at the shore end of the pier and
overhead the cable Is Blnglng away
merrily as It carries along great buck
ets filled with asphalt. Dozens of
neat buildings comprise the quarters
where the company's employees live.
Fresh paint and cleanliness are evi
dent everywhere, and the bright West
Indian sunlight gives the settlement
a very pleasant appearance.
The lake is a level plain about a
hundred acres or so In extent, sur
rounded by low bills, and dotted bere
and there with bushes and trees. The
surface Is not a shimmering black, as
might be supposed, but a dull, gray
ish blue color, Intersected with pools
of shining water. Altogether It Is a
very prosaic-looking place, giving no
hint of its real Interest.
Solid Enough to Walk On.
One can walk where one pleases on
the surface of the asphalt, without any
fear of sinking in, for it is quite solid
enough to bear one's weight. If you
stand In one place for a little while It
feels hot to the feet just like an as
phalted street on a very hot day. Much
of the time a fresh breeze blows, and
one remembers with amusement the
stories ot the Imaginative writers who
talked about stifling heat and oppres
sive atmosphere. These will all re
turn to you, however, If you are unfor
tunate enough to get into a place shel
tered from the breeze and exposed to
the sun, for at such points the ther
mometer stands at 90 degrees or more
during several hours of almost every
day, which Is quite near enough to the
temperature of an inferno for most
people.
The digging of the asphalt Is a sim
ple operation. A mattock is the only
tool required, and under its blows the
pitch breaks readily. The negroes em
ployed are very skilled in the work,
and break out lumps a couple of feet
across, far too heavy for an ordinary
man to carry. Only a very small
amount of the material gets broken
into little pieces, so that scarcely any
baskets are needed to carry the" as
phalt to the cars. A laborer simply
lifts one or two lumps, puts them on
his head, walks a few yards, and drops
BROTHER'S WORK ALL RIGHT
Proof That There Is More Than One
Way of Leading Man to Make
a Proposal.
Before his mirror Jack Maguggle
carefully painted freckles on his hand
Bome face, drew on a false wig and
beard and hied him to the opera,
where his ticket called for a seat In
box A.
In box B fiat a lovely young woman
charmingly attired In a sen-sen-col-ored
gown relieved by peanut bars.
With her was a saturnine youth with
an American ?ieauty rose In his but
tonhole. Jack Maguggle stared at this young
dream of beauty Intently. In fact, nev
er once, even during the exquisitely
sung "Slmpadoxus" aria, did he re
move his eyes from that vision of love
liness. And as he stared he made no
attempt to hide his adoration.
The escort of the gorgeous young
woman scowled and attempted to
catch Maguggle's eyes, but Maguggle's
eyes, as aforesaid, were busy. After
the opera Maguggle, waiting tn the
Lake
r'midad
r
m 'Mil imiwppp nin "i nn i i in v. ,;. niii mimiMiiiii-" -uj
them Into the car. The crude asphalt,
as broken out, Is somewhat brownish
or earthy In color. It is usually quite
wet, and filled with many holes, like
bubbles, measuring up to an inch or
more in diameter.
The gang of barefooted workmen In
one place may number thirty men, of
whom half a dozen do the digging,
They work on a space perhaps sixty
feet long and forty feet wide, and In
the course of a day they will dig down
to a depth of three feet, or more tn
some places. Go to that same spot
next morning and you will find It a
little rough but approximately level
with the rest of the lake. The hole
has been mysteriously filled up during
the night, and In the course of a week
all traces of the digging will be obllt
erated.
This does not mean necessarily that
fresh asphalt has come Into the lake
from underground sources. On the
contrary, the excavations are filled by
a very slow settling or leveling of the
surface asphalt. There Is no such thing
as "new" asphalt, by the way, for the
transition from liquid petroleum to
solid asphalt by nature's process In
volves a period of time that must be
calculated In centuries. The digging
done in past years has caused the gen
eral level of the lake to sink several
feet, so that It Is not absolutely Inex
haustible, as some people Imagine. It
is believed that fresh asphalt very
slowly pushes itself upward Into the
lake from the subterranean depths,
but how large a quantity Is thus added
annually has not been calculated.
Lake's Depth Not Known.
Near the middle of the lake the ma
terial Is less hard than elsewhere, and
In a few places soft asphalt may be
seen oozing up from below. This fresh
asphalt is of about the consistency of
putty, and can be kneaded and pulled
in the hands without soiling them
greatly. In the main, however, the
lake is solid asphalt.
No one knows the depth of this mys
terious lake, the only information on
the subject being the fact that long
ago a boring was made to a depth of
135 feet without reaching the bottom.
The "cores" of this and other borings
show that in consistency the asphalt
remains the same to a very consider
able depth. Curious as it may seem,
there are many evidences that the en
tire mass comprising the lake is In
constant but very slow motion. The
surface is a series of great folds, and
in the creases between these the rain
water gathers. One writer has aptly
compared the surface of the asphalt
to the skin of a great elephant, the
creases being the folds in his hide.
Along the edges of the pools of water,
grass, bushes and small trees take
root, forming green "islands" of great
er or less extent.
Frank Avowal.
"I wish to marry your daughter,"
said the straightforward young man
"What do you wish me to do?"
"Speak a good word for me."
"My friend, I'd do anything in my
power for you. But if you realized
how little Influence I have with moth
er and the girls, you'd realize that yow
are playing mighty poor politics."
Made Him Sore.
Bacon I see musk In Its pure state
Is so radio-active that, it held close to
the body for a time. It will produce
sores similar to those caused by
radium.
Egbert Come to think of It, I re
member feeling 'sore' when the smell
of musk has been too strong.
To Be Handled With Care.
"A little nonsense now and then "
"I know," replied Senator Sorghum
"But that fact doesn't justify Bpme of
ua in taking It seriously and acting as
if we were proud of it."
foyer, slipped a note Into the fair one's
hand. The escort saw and his face
grew black,
Maguggle arrived home before his
sister, whose first words were: "Oh,
Jack, thanks awfully! He proposed
three times without stopping, coming
home in the taxi. Wherever did you
get that wig?" Detroit Free Press.
One Eye Waiting.
"Bobby, dear," said his mother, "you
must go to bed; it's late." Bobby
hopped Into bed. Later his mother
said: "Bobby, why don't you close
your other eye and sleep?" "Well,
mother," said Bobby, "this eye Is
sleeping," pointing to the closed eye,
"but the one that's open Is waiting tor
daddy to come home."
Her Second Coming Out.
The Blgglewumps are going to give
a grand coming-out party for Maud on
the 10th." "Mercy! I thought Maud
came out three seasons ago." "She
did; but the Blgglewumps have made
a lot more money since then and they
have changed their let" - Bostoi
Transcript.
JOKE ON A PRACTICAL JOKER
Inoffensive Citizen Turned on Him,
Hit Him Between the Eyes and
Then Jumped on Him.
The practical joker was sauntering
along In the dusk. The lnollonsive
citizen was sauntorlng along in me
same dusk, unmindful of the presence
of the practical Joker. The practical
Joker, recognizing a friend In the In
offensive citizen, chuckled to himself
and quickened his steps to overtaae
htm.
The Inoffensive citizen was think
ing of a story he bad read about foot
pads, and wondering whether anyone
would ever try to hold blm up. ine
practical Joker suddenly tipped the
Inoffensive citizen's hat over his eyes.
The Inoffensive citizen wheeled ln
Btantly and landed a line, large blow
botween the practical Jokers eyes.
The practical Joker went down. The
inoffensive citizen promptly sat on
blm and hit him again. The practical
Joker yelled:
"For heaven's sake don't hit me
again, John. Don't you know me?"
The Inoffensive citizen said, "Great
Scott!"
The practical Joker said, In an in
jured tone: "Hang it all, John, it's
only a joke."
The Inoffensive citizen looked at the
practical Joker, who now had one eye
closed, and laughed. The practical
jokor angrily asserted that It was no
laughing matter.
"But you said ft was a Joke," re
turned the Inoffensive citizen, "and 1
think you are right."
And he laughed again. But the prac
tical Joker hasn't been able to see
the point of It to this day. Still, it
was unquestionably a good Joke.
Deeply Moved.
"Your lawyer made on eloquent
plea In your defense. He evidently
believed you Innocent."
"No, be didn't," answered the de
fondant. "But you must have said something
to him that strongly Influenced him In
your favor?"
"So I did. 1 showed him my bank
roll and said: 'Fifty-fifty if you get
me out of this.' "
A Happy Thought.
"I heard you holding gay converse
with the Janitor this morning."
"Yes."
" 'Tis seldom the great man un
bends." "Quite true, but this morning I had
occasion to borrow a corkscrew from
him and I invited him up to my apart
ment to see that highly useful device
In operation."
HIS REVENGE.
"Yes; she quarreled with Tom and
returned all his presents!"
"And he hers?"
"Every one of them. Why, he even
went so far as to send her half a
dozen boxes of face powder with a
note explaining that since he first met
her he must have taken that much
home on his coat"
Proof Positive.
"It's a dollar to a doughnut that I
don't get a tip from the Podunk couple
at the last table," said the waiter.
"How do you know they are from
Podunk?" asked the cashier.
"Because this Is the dinner hour, but
they asked for the supper card; be
sides you can see for yourself tbey
are eating pie with their knives," ex
plained the wise hash slinger.
Keeping Up Appearances.
"How about some hair tonic?"
gested the barber.
sug-
"What for?" inquired Mr. Growcher.
"So as to preserve your hair, of
course."
"Let It fall out I'm too old to be
handsome, and my only hope of look
ing Intellectual is to become bald
headed." Not to Be Trusted.
Grandmother Did you get a letter
from your husband this morning?
Young Wife No; I expected one,
but tbe carrier tells me the mails have
been very irregular this week.
Grandmother This week fiddle
sticks! They always have been that
way; you can't trust one of 'em out
of your sight
Knowledge the Fount of Fervency.
Slimson Now, Bobby, remember
that when we sit down to dinner the
bishop will say a blessing.
Bobby Does he know what we're
going to have?
Slimson Certainly not.
Bobby Better let me do It He
won't put half the heart tn It that I
will
Worse Still.
"Is there anything more pathetic
than the low-browed husband of a
high-browed wife?"
"Oh, yes," answered the advocate
of culture.
"I can't imagine what it Is."
"A husband and wife who are both
low browed."
Hit Opportunity.
"Any man who keeps his back yard
clean Is a good citizen."
"But suppose he lives in an apart
ment house and has no back yard."
'In tnat case ne can earn the gratl-
uj9 f "'l br "erln.
"