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About The Maupin times. (Maupin, Or.) 1914-1930 | View Entire Issue (March 31, 1916)
BRONCO GILL By JANE OSBORN. Old Peter Heppleton, the owner and editor-in-chief of the Morning Stand ard, was in one of his rainy-day moods. The events of the day only made him moodier. In the first place, when he arrived at noon he was greet ed iu his own office by Miss West, the society editor, who wore a trou bled expression. He answered her good morning with something that sounded very much like a bear's growl. "What right have you to look grouchy?" he asked. "You're young and healthy and all you have to do Is to draw your salary. You don't have to take any risks. You don't have to worry, you don't have the gout or rheumatism. What's the matter now?" "Only that I have to have a new as sistant." Another bear growl. "What did you do with the last one? Wasn't she good enough for you? See here, young lady, I can't spend all my time get ting you assistants. Is It my fault they quit?" "She got married that's what they all do. And it puts me in an awful fix. There are two charity balls to 'cover' tonight, a coming-out party ev ery day next week and three 'the dan santB,' besides all sorts of smaller af fairs. What I wanted to ask you, Mr. Heppleton, if whether you think it would be a good idea for me to have a young man. You see, the girls are not reliable. They are so likely to get married " "No reason why they should," Mr. Hoppleton growled. "You don't get married, do you?" And then, more gruffly still: "And you are a pesky lot prettier than any of the assistants. You don't get married you stick to your Job. What's the matter with the girls nowadays? Don't they appreci ate a good Job? , Haven't they any brains at all?" "May I have a man reporter?" Mar garet persisted. "I hnow other socie ty editors always have girls, but a man you can be severe with, you can ask him to work late every night In til 3 week and you can boss him around without having to be afraid of offend ing him. And when a man gets mar ried he Just has to work all the hard er?5 T "Good idea! Now get out and lot me alone. I'll send to the city desk right away and have a cub sent to you at once." "Please be sure that the cub has evening clothes," said Margaret, loav lng. Old Heppleton was still growling when Bronco Bill strode leisurely and with perfect assurance Into the office. But tho uncle did not at first recog nize in the tail, lanky, broad-shoul-dorod figure, still clad In the soft shirt and coft hat of the Texas ranch er, his nephew, William Heppleton. "Good mornln', Uncle Pete," quoth the nephew, seating himself unbidden astride tiio only vacant chair In the room. "I dare say you are some sur prised to see me." He put out a large tanned hand and vigorously shook the hand that the uncle extend ed rathor gingerly. "Well, I'm hore for a Job. That's about the size of It. Oh, yes, ranchln's all right but it gets lonesome, durned lonesome So I Just hired a rancher and hln wtfo It Isn't half bad when a fellow's got a wife and a brood o' young ones and I came EaBt. Now I'm countln' on gettln' into this news paper ganio. What sort of a Job have you got to offer me?" 1 "There Isn't a blessed thing," re plied the uncle. He rather liked the young man's breezy manner and would have helped him it he could have done so to his own advantage. "No, there Isn't a thing, though there may be lator." I 'Then I ouppose I'd better be goln'," replied the nephew. "No, thanks, I'm not strapped by a long shot. Good morning!" And ho held his hand out again. But the uncle did not shake it. The tolnphono bell at the side of his desk had been Jingling, and instead he took off the receiver. "Yes, yes," he growled, "I know. I havon't forgotten. I'll try to get you a man. This afternoon sure. I am not sure the city clerk can Bpare one, but I'll tell the city editor when he conies in to dig up a green one that you can break In." And then he banged the receiver down. Ills nephew had taken hli seat again. "Well?" ho queried. "There's one of your men want In' someone. What's the niattor with me? I'm green enough, ain't I?" The uncle knit his brow (or about a tnluute. "Yes, you're green enough and then some," he said, and for a mo ment hli grumplness was lost in the uggenllon of a smile. "Report to room 4D5 and toll the party I sent you that you'ro the man. Aud as soon as you got a chance go and get dolled out the way they toll you to. Tliat cowboy makeup won't do, you know." It was half an hour later and Bron co Bill was sitting at Margaret West'i Mo, and Margarot West was laughing "Well, why don't I do? Ain't I green onough? Ain't I eager enough? Hhvpii t I showed you I could write the typewrltor? Dldu't I learn how bo- fcro I caiuo Kast when I was takln that correspondence course In Jour liallpm? See hero, young lady, I never tail a ;lrl bent me at anything, and I ilou't kind o' like Imvln' you sit there nr.il laugh t mo ns If I was some sort o' r.' W r rid tango nniiunl that they had just annexed to i zoological park, Tho boss of til;, paper has appointed bio to tho Job, and uo far as I can see all you'vo f t lo do !s to give me lint) on whet's to be done and then stand back and watch me do it You Bald you wanted o man, didn't you Well, I'm a llfoHke man, ain't I?" Plooce, Mr. Heppleton, It hm't that I iloti't thtuk you can do It. I am net lauefclug at you. I'm Just laugh lng because I don'l lee why you ever left Uio rmich to so Into this stupid uewgnnpr woik, Why, if I ever got out lu this wonderful ranch country with til tho air and auushine thora Isn't a cowipnper lob In the world that would louiyt me." "Ye- rlslit thoro, The sunshine and the sky are all you say they are, but you'd get lonesome same as I did. You'd quit if you were out there all alone. Well, I'm going right over to get the clothes I need. Write it out so the man in the store will know what to hand me. The bess will foot the bill, so don't get nervous about how much it will cost." It was a week later and Bronco Bill was on the Job when Margaret ar rived at 11 in the morning. In fa-t, he had been there since an early morn ing hour. Ranch life had accustomed him to early rising, and the late hours in the newspaper routine had not changed his habits. "Now, don't be offended because I've got my stiff collar off, girl," he said, pointing to the multi-colored handker chief that he had loosely tied around his collar band. "I'll Veep the boiled razor-edge one on when I'm coverin' things. And right here in our office it doesn't matter." "But suppose some society woman comes in with a dinner list or some thing? Suppose Mrs. Vandevere " The telephone rang and the assistant answered. "Yes," he shouted. "What do you want. Go on, fire ahead. I've got the pencil handy. Say, spell the name, lady. Not so fast I ain't no dicta phone " Margaret snatched the receiver from the hand of her assistant. "Oh, ye, Mrs. Vandervere," she cooed. "Wes, this is the society editor," Mar garet scowled meaningly at the assist ant over the phone and then, putting her hand over the mouthpiece, said: "This is the way you ought to an swer: "Yes, Mrs. Vandevere. Your dinner guests for tonight will be yes, thank you. I am sure it was very kind of you, Mrs. Vandevere, to let me have the names, and please don't be cross with the office boy who took up the phone. He is very green and he was Just trying to help." "Call me an office boy again," shout ed Bronco Bill, jumping to his feet. "Say, look here, girl. I like you. I'm darned fond of you and JuBt for your sake I got Into those swallowtails and that durned waiter's outfit and I've been hanging around at Irish wakes and Dutch picnics and bal masques every night for a week, and every aft ernoon I've been watchln' a lot of palefaced tenderfooterB waltzin' around till I was so mad I wanted to shoot the town up. Gosh, why them fellers don't get out and work in the daytime is more than I can see. And I've Just had enough of It. I've got to the last barbecue. I kinder want ed to help you out 'cause I thought you were tryln1 to handle a Job that was a little too much for you, but you turn round and call me an office boy and you and I part company. Either I stay here as the boss of the ranch and you be the assistant and do it my way, or I'll quit. I'm no greenhorn." Suddenly Bronco Bill stopped very still. For the girl at his Bide was do ing what he had never seen another woman do in all his life weeping like a child. Bill," she sobbed, "I like you, too. Honest I do, and I'm grateful to you for all you have done and I know you have tried your best, but society Is no place for you. You're a regular man an I ought to have a regular man's Job." Bill, Instinctively, but timidly, put his arm around the girts shaking shouldors. I'm sorry I vexed you, girl," he said. "But you kind o' hurt my feelings. Ever since I heard you Bay that about the sky and the air the flrBt day I Baw you I knew that you were the girl that could make llvln' on a ranch heaven. I'm won- derin' whether you would care to marry a rough guy like mo and be a rancher?" 'Really," was Margaret's way of consenting, "do you know I've always boon waiting tor a regular man like you." (Copyright, 1918. by the MeClure NewBpv per Bynuirate.j Life All Competition. Life Is one long competition, and the quicker we realize It the sooner we will fit ourselves for the struggles. There Is no position for which there is not more than one aspirant. If the place we want were not desirable we would not want It Aud we should know that If It Boems desirable in our eyoB It certainly must seem so in oth er eyes. So It must go to the best man the Burvlval of the fittest has been the rule for many centuries, the bost equipped comes out on top, while the others drop back one by one, accord ing to their comparative degrees ot ef ficiency. Hopeless Cat. Smith I hear Green was Bent to the lunatic asylum last week. Ia It true? Jones Yes! poor fellow; he's craiy as a bedbug. Had a mania for exchanging umbrellas every chance be got x smith rshawi Almost any man will do that It he has halt a chance. Jones Yes, but poor Green always left a better one than he took. Badly Handicapped. "Are there any people about here with literary tastes?" asked the agont. "Not many,' answered the station agent. "We've got a Shakespeare club that meets once a week, but since Judge llensby's house caught Are and lila library burned up the Judge hav lug the only set of Shakespeare In town, you know the ladles haven't been able to write any papers." Henc ths Story. "That beggar worked on my sympa Hi lei so that I gave him a quarter." "What sort of a story did he tell?" "He said ho was a war refugee who fled from his country and left every thing behind." "He didn't leave quite everything behind." "Nor "He still has hit nerve." Not Him. Mrs. B. Argalns I bought some new kind ot dog biscuit tor your dog to day. I hope thoy will please you. Mr. B. ArgalnsNot rue, my dear. up to th J"f. liter ANCIENT "WELL CATTARO, the last city in Dal matla, is a quaint medieval walled town. Formerly it was the southernmost ot all Aus tria's Adriatic possessions, which ex tend almost 450 miles down the east ern shore from Grado, Just above Trieste, to the ancient fortress and modern naval base on the Bocche dl Cattaro, famous alike for Its wonder ful harbors and wild beauty, unriv aled even by the finest of the fjords of Norway. The city of Cattaro Is situated on the Innermost of the chain of five lit tle lakes or bays of the Bocche, and on three sides It Is Inclosed with an ampltheater of rock, formed by the mountains which almost encircle' it. It Is a very ancient stronghold and even in the days of Constantlne-Por-phyrogenetus the city was described by him as being "the city where the sun never shines except In midsum mer." It is actually true that the old town cowering at the very feet of the great mountains which soar Into the sky Just behind it is as somber and shut In as an alpine village in a nar row mountain pass, but although shaded from the sun by the soaring rocks It Is insufferably hot In summer. The city wallB are enormously high and thick and keep out any stray breeze from the water, while the streets ot the town are so crooked and narrow that they remind one of the dark little call! of Venice, with hore and there a small paved campo or court, surrounded by low stone dwell ings with tiny Bllts for, windows, which add to the somberness and gloom of the breathless city, which for cen turies has been the scene of such per petual conflicts that the dwellings are miniature forts, the tiny windows be ing apertures through which to shoot rather than openings to admit light and air. Gate to Montenegro, The little strip of alluvial land on which Cattaro lies has been formed by the rains of centuries having washed the soil from the gaunt Bides ot the bleak mountains of rock towering above It. The Montenegrin legend states that at the creation, St Peter was flyfhg with a great bag ot rocks. The bag broke and the rocks falling made Montenegro. It Is to the credit of King Nicholas' warriors that no oth er land as desolate, rocky and hope lessly sterile has ever been so re vered for centuries by its dauntless Bona, who, In Its defense, have watered its crags with their blood, Cattaro has been long known as the gateway ot Montenegro, and year's be fore the famous road was hewn out ot the sides of the rocks the Monte negrins made their way down Into Cat taro from their little stony farms on the bleak heights above, by the rough goat track which for ages followed the bed of a mountain Btream. The cathedral ot St Trlfen, or the duomo, a It is called, Is one of the oldest and finest buildings In Cattaro. The Bocche consists ot several nar row canals of water, surrounded by lofty mountains rlBlng almost directly from the water's edge, between which lie broad expanses ot water, produc ing very fine scenery. The first of the narrows leads Into the bay ot CURE FOR DENTIST FRIGHT If One Could Only Keep From Dwelling on the Coming Ordeal It Would Help Much. Science tells us that our attitude toward the dentist Is a good Illustra tion of energy waBted on forebodlugs for the future. "The fatigue which results from an hour or more of this dentist tension Is too welt known to need description," Bay Annie Payson Call, the well known teacher of nerve training. "Most ot tho nervous fatigue suffered from the dentist's work Is In conse quonce ot the unnecessary strain ot expecting a hurt, and not from any actual pain inflicted. The result ob tained by Insisting upon making your self a dead weight In the chair, It you succeed only partially, will prove this. It will also be a preliminary means ot gottlng rid ot the dentist fright that peculiar dread which Is so well known to most of ua." Bo well known indeed to torn ot us at to shut out the sunlight for vttkJ before the fatal data, the dread ( IT VSV: III ll-f rtseE 1 " - YiiiiWr1"ftTii1ii ai lis IN CATTARO Topla and 'the steamer headB directly for Castelnuovo, leaving on the left the Sutomia, a portion of Ragusan ter ritory ceded to Turkey In 1699 to form a buffer between herself and Venice. The town was founded in 1373 by the Bosnian King Tvarko I. Kokomanovic. In 1538 the Spaniards built the fort crowning the hill to the north, now split up a good deal, but the splits are partly concealed by ivy. It was the only part of Dalmatla held by the Spaniards. Perasto the Faithful. Six miles from Cattaro is Perasto, the one city which remained faithful to Venice, even after Campo Formio. When the Austrian troops came to take possession It is touching to record that the gonfalon, only consigned to the army In maritime and land en terprises In the Levant, was burled beneath the altar of S. Nicolo with a solemn requiem, as If for the burial of a father. It had been confided to the Perastines by the republic almost four centuries before for their faithful services, when Venice distinguished the city with the title of "fedelisslma gonfaloniera." In the early morning the sardine boats may be seen coming in. At night they produce a most brilliant light with a strange apparatus on the bow, served by acetylene. Along the coast roads red and white oleanders mingle; orange and lemon trees, an cient figs and chestnuts, olives, pome granates and many beautiful flowers, lovely In form and color and strange to the English eye. On both sides of the water the road runs a little way back from the shore, dipping occasion ally Into masses ot olive or edged with lovely pale mauve irises. Dobruta, on the left, has a bastion encroaching on the left, has a bastion encroach ing on the road, with church and cam panile Just behind it. and opposite, Perxagno picturesquely occupies a promontory, with unfinished domed church and huddled houses. The lofty Lovchen towers above Cattaro to the height of 6,770 feet Cattaro lies at the extreme south ot the "Bocche," thirteen miles from the entrance between the Punta d'Os- tro and the Punta d'Arza. Both of these are fortified, and the channel has been further defended since 1897 by the little Fort Mamola upon the rock Rondoni In the channel. The town has about 2,000 inhabitants, many of whom are Italian immigrants, part are AlbanlanB and Montenegrins, and subalterns who have married and settled here are of Austrian nation. allty. It Is surrounded by walls which ascend the hill in zigzags, and Is en tered by gates which one cannot think likely to be ot much use In modern warfare, or course, the varied cos tumes, some very fine, some in all de grees of dilapidation, add much plc turesqueness to the scene. To reach Montenegro, one has to ascend a road with no fewer than sixty-five xlg-zags cut in the face of the rock, so steep as to look in places almost as if one could drop a Btone into the sea thou sands ot feet below. On the road Montenegrins are met, the man on muleback, the woman on foot carry lng a load, and neither of them would consout to change their positions. increasing steadily, till by the time the chair Is reached a state of tension has been attained that precludes the possibility of letting ourselves "go dead. But says a well-known neu rologlst one can drop all this by a lit tie effort, and say to himself, "I will not cry till I am hurt In fact, be cannot only acquire the ability to be come a dead weight In the chair but will finally give no more thought to the dentist's appointment than to date at the golf club. Manicure Nails by Machine Now, Milady may now manicure her nails In less time than It takes to comb her hair. A Los Angeles woman has de signed an electric manicuring machine which operates In much the tame manner at a dentist's drill but, she promises, It can be used with much less discomfort to the patient The machine la comprised of a small mo tor to which la attached a fleilble shafting, by which the various InstrU' meats art made to do their work. No trimming, cleaning or polishing la dono with knives or scissors, at all the tool are made In dish torn. mm TABBY AND FLORETTE. Tabby was a' tiger cat, and coul catch a great many mice. She was no afraid to hunt for them, and prldet herself on the fact that where sht was there were no mice to bother any one. But one day Tabby found a large yellow-and-white Angora cat had come to live in the house. The name of the new cat was Florette, and her eyes were blue, while Tabby's eyes were green. "Your nose is broken," cried the cook when Tabby came crying into the kitchen when she had been driven downstairs. "That new cat is the pet now, and you will have to stay with us." Tabby ate her supper in silence and knew that the cook spoke the truth, but she hunted mice and slept in the corner as though nothing had hap pened. One night while she was watching for mice in the pantry she thought of a way to bring herself into favor again. "I'll Just stop catching mice," she said. "I don't believe ' that proud Florette could catch a mouse; most likely she would be afraid of one If she saw It, or too lazy to exert her- 'I Believe That Is a Stuffed Cat." self," she added. I'll go out to the barn to live awhile and let the mice have a run." So off to the barn went Tabby, and the mice and rats did not frighten her any more than the little mice. She made herself a nice bed beside the horse, and they became great friends. I am glad you came out here," he told her one day. "The rats ran around here at night so I could not sleep sometimes. "They won't while I am here," said Tabby. "You should be glad I am not a proud Angora cat; they never do anything but sleep, eat, and dress up and sit In the window." And then Tabby told him her troubles. But they will find I am the one that takes care of the house, ' she told the horse; "and If I am not mis taken they will send for me soon and give me the best place to sleep and treat me in a very different manner from what they have lately.'' It was as Tabby had predicted. The mice found out that she had gone, and they could run right in front ot Flor ette without danger. "I believe that is a stuffed cat they have here now," said a mouse one day after he had run past Florette and she had not moved. 'Yes," said another, "that is not a real cat, because I ran up on her bas ket one night and looked at her, and she did not move. Isn't this a nice place to live? I wish we had always lived here." One day the cook came to the barn and called Tabby. She had a nice dish of cream, and when Tabby had finished It the cook carried ber Into the house. 'You stay here tonight," she said. "This place Is overrun with mice. That Angora Florette might as well be a stuffed cat for all the work she does." Tabby me-ow-ed and rubbed against the cook's dress. "I have won so far,1 she Bald to herself. "I guess I will get upstairs after a while, too." few days later Tabby heard her mistress calling "Tabby, Tabby," one morning, and she ran to the stairs and looked up. Her mistress stroked her head and patted her, calling her good Tabby, and then she took Tabby into a closet Some bits ot feathers and flowers were lying on the floor. "See what those horrid mice have done," said her mistress. "It never happened while you were around here, Florette Is a handsome cat but she is not one bit of use as far as catching a mouse goes. She lets them walk all around her." "Me-ow, me-ow," said Tabby. "Yes," said her mistress, who seemed to understand her; "you are to stay only keep the mice out, and here 1b your old cushion, right by the window In the sun. Florette cannot have all the nice things, . Handsome Is that handsome does, and you certainly can not be beaten catching mice." Bobble Knew. Fond Mother Bobble, come here. I have something awfully nice to tell you. Bobble (aged six) Aw I don't care. I know what It Is. Big broth er's home from college. F. Mother Why, Bobble, how could you guess? Gobble My bank don't rattle any more. Awgwan. Would Be Mltttr-Slppl. .Little Bobble, who hat Just begun the study ot geography, was told by hit aunt that the Mississippi wai called the "Father of Waters' by the Indians. "You must be mistakes, auntie," replied the little fellow. "If it was the 'Father ot Waters' it would be MUter-SlpDl," JAPANESE BOY BLACKSMITHS Busiest and Hardest Workers In World Have No Thought of Play While Work la Before Them. In Japan boys are apprenticed to learn a trade much younger than boys in our country are, H. Croy writes In Northwestern Christian Advocate. Thousands are put in shops to learn to be blacksmiths when an American boy would still be in school. A Japa nese father has so many boys that he has to put them out at some useful trade In order that they may bring In money to support the family. The boys have to work long hours; from seven In the morning until six in the evening. They are faithful workers, the busiest you could find anywhere in the world. Even when a visitor comes and stands in the door to watch one of them work lie will not look up from his work. He has no thought of play as long as he is at work; but when his hours are over no boy likes to get out and have a little fun more than he. Japanese blacksmith shops open on to the street, so that the boy at his anvil sits within a few feet of the side walk. The shops are closed at night by putting boards In the front and barring them well. There are no doors with hinges. The hinge is unknown in Japan; what doors there are are made to slide back and forth. There are many more blacksmith shops In Japan than in our country; there is one every few doors, and In walking along Hie street you may hear the clang-clang of hammers. The boy wears a black apron with pockets; this he takes oft when ready to start home in the evening. He wears wooden shoes flat boards with straps over them to keep the shoes from falling off. His stockings are called tabls and come only to his ankle. And always there Is a separate compartment for the big toe. An American boy would have a hard time in keeping a pair of Japanese shoes on, yet a Japanese boy can put up a mighty good footrace with noth ing to hold his wooden 'shoes on ex cept his big toe. , PROMOTION OF BOYS' CLUBS Encouragement and Training of Youth Along Lines of Activities of Coun try Among Objects. The principal objects tp be attained through the promotion of boys' agri cultural clubs, as defined by those in charge ot this work, are: 1. To encourage and train boys along the lines ot the activities of country life. 2. To put into practice the facts of scientific agriculture obtained from books, bulletins, etc. 3. To bring the school life of the boy into closer relationship to his home life. 4. To assist in the development ot the spirit of co-operation In the family and in the community. 5. To dignify and magnify the voca tion of the farmer by demonstrating the returns which may be secured from farming when It Is properly con ducted. 6. To enlarge the vision ot the boy and to give him definite purposes at an important period In his life. 7. To furnish to the aggressive, pro gressive rural schoolteacher an oppor- 1., . v Walter Granlund, Dakota Boy, Who Won First Prize for Largest Yield of Corn. tunlty to vitalize the work of the school by correlating the teaching of agriculture with actual practice. The aim of the boys' club work it the same as that among men vis, to secure the adoption of better meth ods ot farming and greater yields at less cost Many ot the boys in the clubs who begin to study agriculture in this way will continue the study in the agricultural colleges; others will continue such effort on their farms, and all ot them will make more useful and more efficient citizens. Tommy Wat 8poclflo, Teacher Now, Jamea, do you under stand the meaning of the word "a tinct?" James Yes'm. Teacher Then name one bird that Is now extinct. James Chipper. Teacher Chipper? What kind of a bird Is that? James My pet pigeon. The cat caught him this morning. Judge. Idea About the Sun. In ancient times the philosophers held very erroneous notions concern' lng the size of the sun. Anaximander thought that It might be nearly as large as the then known earth, in eluding southern Europe, northern Africa and western Asia, Anaxagoras declared It could be no larger than Greece and her Islands. Heraclltus convinced hit hearers that It waa about the size of a man' head. No Ut to Him. "Now, Tommy," reprimanded hit mother, "don t let me catch you throw ing any more stones." "Well, what will I do when the other feller throw "em?" asked Tommy. "Just come and tell me," hi mother replied. "Tell you!" he exclaimed tn atton Ishment "Why, you couldnt hit the broad aide ot a bam!" LlpplncottX a COULD NOT CONVINCE JUDGE Policeman Going 20 Miles One Way and. Auto 20 the Other Didn't Make 40 Miles Per Hour. "This man was driving his car in the suburbs 40 miles an hour, your honor," said the motorcycle policeman. "What have you to say for your self?" asked the Judge sternly. "Your honor, I was traveling 20 miles an hour in one direction when this policeman passed me on his mo torcycle going 20 miles an hour in the opposite direction. That's why It seemed to him I was going 40 miles an hour." "Ten dollars fine," said the Judge. Spiteful Spirit. "You hear people clamoring for their rights all the time," answered the phil osopher. Quite so," answered the student ot human nature, "but they don't seem to derive much satisfaction from the situ ation unless the restoration of their rights involves great sacrifices on the part ot the favored few." Too Abstruse. Have you made any effort to as certain the principles of economics on which your theories of govern ment are based?" inquired the man with prominent spectacles. "No," replied Senator Sorghum. How to land votes Is easier found out and, so far as I can see, more im portant Just now." Laughter and Medicine. A good hearty laugh Is better than medicine," remarked the cheery citi zen. 'Yes," replied the fearfully calcu lating person. "But a druggist won't charge you near as much for a little medicine as it is liable to cost to see a genuinely funny show." Oratorical Introspection. Have you made any notes of the speech you intend to deliver?" "No," replied Senator Sorghum. "I am going to speak extemporaneously. When I prepare a speech in advance I'm liable to read it over a few times and then, being something of a critlo of speeches, I lose my nerve." Gone, But Not Forgotten. Rankin What did you ever do with the $10,000 you got from the railroad company when an engine ran into your automobile? Phyle I Invested It In mining stock. Was it a good buy?" Good-by is right." GOSSIP. "So that prima donna married the manager?" 'Yes. She wasn't satisfied with ) salary. She wants alimony, too." Its Effect "The hero In the play sang thb old ballad, 'Drink to Me Only With Thine Eyes,' with an appealing effect." 'It appealed, all right When the men had all come In for the next act. there was scarcely a dry eye in the house." Not Consistent. "Dubwalte is a plain-spoken man." "Says Just what he thinks, eh?" "Exactly. He declares that If there I anything he hates it's sham." "Good!" "But I happen to know that Dub walte wears a toupee." Perfect Cinch. "Yep, I got a Job cooking for a lady." . "Gal, you don't know nothing about cooking." "Don't have to know nothing. She's a bride and I'm her first cook." That Discussion Got No Further. "It says here In the paper that wom en are rapidly taking the place of nen." "That reminds me," said he quietly. "Have you flxed the furnace for the sight, my dear?" 8he Wat Wise. Joax Wlse't wife always selects his atenographer. Hoax Why doe she select 'em? Joax She used to be hi typewrite! I before Wise married ber. y
