The Maupin times. (Maupin, Or.) 1914-1930, October 07, 1914, Image 7

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and Dairy Produce
of all kinds wanted. Writ far our
Pearson-Page Co. pEoT
Bought, told and exchnngrM; enirines, boilers.
nwrntllB, fete. Semi for Stock List and Prices.
THE J. . MARTIN CO., 83 lit St., Portland. Or.
Large assortment, Spe
fe-iSP uhI SMITH PREMIER, $15 Up.
teed by Home concern.
Write for samples of
work, itatins make
TYPEWRITER EXCHANGE. 351 Wash. St., Portland, Or.
mimm ads. eaea " mytnurrpamx tfr
Dave Houston, Prop. H. B. ThorsneB. Mgr.
Thoroughly modern. 101 Rooms of comfort. Mod
erate Prices. Three minutes' walk from Union
Depot. Write for rates. 72 N. Sill SL, PORTLAND, OR.
People from all parts of
saOi-eiton and Wannim?-
tm constantly visit our
i llice for dental treat-
i-nt-nt. OuraUill is ac-
.nowledKed, and our
irnrtirtriif In tintah-
3 nir work in one dav
vhen required iaappre-
luted by out-oi-town
Ilr W.a In s fftlse-
j ooth expert. There is
3 1 i I WAYS flNE HKST"
8m evpry callinjr, and
j )r. Wise lays claim to
! his distinction m ure-
3 (t m . 27 Years xperoce.
3 What wa can't cuar
2a.ntee wa dont do.
Hood Red Rubber Plates, each $5.00
The Bent Red Rubber Plates, each 7.50
22-Karat Gold or Porcelain Crown 500
Phones Main 2029, A 2029.
V22M Third Street, Failing Bid., Portland, Oregon
S. E. Cor. Third and Washington.
& " ... . ?
Worry, Przemysl Is Plain
Przemysl, which the Russians are
attacking, according to Llppincott's
Gazetteer, the New International En
cyclopedia and the Standard diction
ary, is pronounced Pzhem'isl.
The "z" as is general with Slavic
languages, is pronounced "zh," and
the "r" Is elided by the natural pro
cess ot rapid enunciation and the ten
dency to render the consonantal com
binations easier to pronounce.
Pore Eye, Granulated Eyelids and Etie.
prnmotly healed with Roman Eye Bal
aam. AdT.
Approaching Danger.
Professors in a Massachusetts col
lege are planning ways and means for
pacifying their German colleague upon
his return from Dresden. "What ever
will the village do with a German con
tact mine floating round on its usually
' glossy surface?" the professors are
asking. "We don't want him explod
ing on the sidewalk." Communicated.
The New Fable of How a Family
Jumped Out of Class B Into
the King Row.
Once there was a side street Quar
tet consisting of Papa and Mamma
rl Gordon and Ethel.
The ostensible Stroke Oar of this
Domestic Combination was a Gradu
ate nf one of those Towns In which
the Occidental Hotel faces the Depot
and all Trains are met by a Popular
Drayman wearing a Black Sweater.
When he elbowed his Way into the
Citv. vears before, his Assets consist
ed of a Paper Valise, a few home-
lonniorori finrmfinta and a small
Volume telline how to win at Cards
In the refined Home where he ob
tained his Liver and Macaront paved
with Cheese, he met the Daughter of
the Household. When there was a
Rush she would some times put on all
of her Rings and help wait on the
Table, although her Star Specialty
was t5 get the Stool at the right Ele
vation and then tear the Vital Organs
out of "Pansy Blossom" and 'White
Thn voune Shinning Clerk used to
fly to his Kennel and get himself all
Gnssipd mi and then edge Into tne
Parlor and turn the Music for Miss
Livingstone, who looked to him like
Matv Anderson and sounded like
Arlellna Patti.
When the Blue Envelope hit the
Twenty Mark he saw that it would be
Clear Sailing, so they began to Hold
Hands and he bought a Spark Dia
mond which could be seen held at a
certain Angle.
Thev went 1o Housekeeping in
stingy Flat with a Bed that could be
Rtnnrl on End during the Daytime and
made to resemble a Book-Case, also a
Plaster-of-Paris Lion on the Mantel.
Ahnnt the time Gordon was first
tethered on the Fire-Escape, the Pro
vtdpr cot a Taste of Soft Collateral
and began to wear Gold Bracelets on
Vila PlffarR.
When Ethel was large enough to
take into the Park the Graft had de
veloped until the whole Outfit moved
to an Apartment where all Goods had
to be delivered in the Rear. Mother
Anybody can dye successfully
with Putnam Fadeless Dyes.
"I understand Paris dressmakers
are going to copyright their gowns."
"Vnnoonooi" pyp.laimed Mr. Grow-
rha " fiishimis are going, there
wnn't he. enough of them to make
room for a copyright notice." Wash
ington Star.
1 " Lm&
nut on her Eye-Glasses. She would
practice In her Room for Hours at a
time. eriDDine the Rocking Chair with
both Hands and trying to get the real
Bostonian sound of "A" as In Lara
Her Efforts were not In Vain, for
one Day when the Club Meeting broke
up with the Lady President throwing
Fits and a Cotmer guarding the Ballot
Box, the principal insurgent was men
tioned in the Public Prints as a Fopu
lar Society Matron and Leader In the
New Movement among Women. They
had to call her that or the Story of her
shooting the Ink-Stand at the Re
cording Secretary would not have been
worth playing up on the First Page.
It was a proud Morning for Gordon
and Ethel when they saw all the
Pictures and learned that they were
the immediate Descendants of tne
Millionaire Promoter and the Popular
Society Matron.
Gordon found himself endowed with
a Social Status which enabled him, at
the Age of 23, to gain admission to an
exclusive Club of 3,000 Members, the
object of which was to serve a 40-cent
Table d'Hote every Noon to as many
as were willing to take a Chance.
Therefore, when he was yanked out
of his 2-cvllnder Car and stood up
before the Magistrate, charged with
running over People and smearing up
the Boulevard, the whole Reading
Public was thrilled to hear of what
had happened to a Well-Known Club
man whose Father was a Millionaire
Promoter and whose Mother was a
Popular Society Matron.
By this time Ethel was merely a
She had not come across In any
As a matter of Fact, she was not
pulling down any Ribbons at Beauty
Shows and toed in when she walked
and was beyond the reach of Massage
However, she was not discouraged.
She eloned with a Chauffeur employed
in an 8-car Garage and next Day she
was a Beautiful Heiress whose Broth
er was a Well-Known Man about
Town, the Mother being very promi
nent In Club Work and remembered
as the Wife of the Millionaire Promoter.
After all this ama out. Father still
had between $3,000 and $4,000 and the
whole Family, Including the Chauf
feur, sat down to Prunes every Morn
ing. But they were very Happy, for they
were recognized in almost every Cafe
and their Relatives in the East were
sendine Christmas Cards.
MORAL: Some achieve Greatness
and others have It Rubbed In.
Facetious Individual It Told His Por
trait Looke Like "Real Dough
Head Sort of Idiot"
After many years Hicks met Rlx,
friend of his schoolboy days. Al
most half a century had passed since
they had gone to school together, and
now each was a gray-haired latner ot
a family.
Hicks was entertaining Rlx, and was
showing him his household goods. He
was a facetious soul who took an alto
gether uncalled for delight In his own
somewhat feeble jokes and witticisms.
'That," said he, pointing to a paint
ing, "is a portrait of my wife's first
"Why," said Rlx, "you never told mo
that your wife had been married be
fore!" He examined the picture with
some Interest. "Well, he looks a real
dough-head sort of idiot, anyway."
"That." said Hicks. "Is a portrait of
myself at the age of twenty-five, sir!"
"Your constituents will gather at the
station to meet you when you get
home," eaid the visitor.
"I suppose so," replied Senator Sor
ghum, gloomily. "Will there be a ra
ception committee or do they intend tu
assemble as a mob?" Boston Evening
Depends Upon Your Training
Our counes In Shorthand. Pn
manthip. Business Training and
Telegraphy will aquip you far a
successful business career.
Fourth Street, Near Morrison, Portland, Or.
We Guarantee Positions for All
Our Graduates.
Write Us, No Trouble to Answer.
The Delegate I tell you, sir, that
the root of trouble of the educational
system of this nation is the teacher.
The Listener But, say, ain't you a
teacher yourself?
The Delegate (indignantly) A teach
er, sir! Certainly not. I'm an edu
cator! Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Explaining an Ancient Episode.
"George Washington did not hesi
tate to tell the true story or how the
cherry tree got chopped.
"Yes," replied the man who had tes
tified in an investigation. "George was
pretty smart. He knew how to get immunity."
Applicant Was Well Versed on Stat
utes of State, But Ignorant of
Blackstone and Kent.
In the old days, when oral examina
tions were still the thing, the examin
ing board was pommeling an applicant
with questions from Blackstone, Kent
and other legal lights.
"I didn't study anything about these
fellows," complained the applicant.
"What did you study?" asked one of
the judges.
"I studied the statutes of the state,
he replied. "I Btudied them hard Ask
me a question about them and I'll
show you. That is where 1 got my
legal knowledge."
"My young friend," said one austere
judge on the examining board, "you
would better be very careful, for some
day the legislature might meet and re
peal everything you know. rsoriow
SHIELD TRUSS. No worryinf w dan-
.n nnwatinn Rll-ltlll-M i. not A te&T
or breach, as commonly supposed, but la
the Btretchini, or dilation, el natural
SHIELD appliance closes thia openimin
10 days in most ci bos. If you can't come,
write for measuring blank and literature.
Sold only by
Third and Yamhill, Portland, Or.
Who are Truss Experts and Exclusive
1 State Asenta for this appliance.
tVJ r
From the Readers.
Prospective Subscriber tin office of
the Wyoming Weekly Whoop) Don't
you have any clubbing propositions?
Editor and Proprietor Oh, once in a
while, but horse whiuning and shoot
ing propositions seem to be the favor
ites around here! Puck.
Tear the Vital Organs Out of "Pansy
U.I...1., .-....-..!.!.!;
Testifies She Was Restored
to Health by Lydia L.
Pinkham's Vegetable
T aniraiironnn N.Y. "After mv first
l. CH II I. " ..... , - - - -
i;m Knm 1 fplt verv miserable and
4.UUU nwi - "
could not Btana on
my feet My sister-
in-law wished me to
try Lydia E. Pink-
ham's VegetaDie
Compound and my
nerves became nrm,
appetite good, step
elastic, ana 1 lost
that weak, tired
feeling. That was
six vears aeo and 1
have had three fine
healthy children since. For female trou-
b3s I always take Lyaia nu.
Vegetable Compound and it works like
acharm. I do all my own work. "-Mrs,
A. F. Kreamer, 1574 Electric Avenue,
T n nr o vironn Q W V.
nf Lvdia E. rinknam s
Vegetable Compound, made from roots
and herbs, is unparaueiea. it mo u.
,iool until Tprfp rt. mnfidence bv women
tirVin enffpr from displacements, Inflam-
ySwS and keep People waiting outside, just
nvl the Whales who control the Sugar
leeung,naraiency,ii.u.w..,-.---. - --
He had a Front like the new Fenn
avlvania Station and the soft personal
Attributes of a Numidian Lion.
When he was Bued In the Courts by
a Victim who wanted a final look at
began to ride In Hacks which were
not nnmhered.
Rr thev went alone for Years, ria-
Inn: on L Trains, calling up the Jam
tor to ask for more Heat, trying 10
flnrl a eonrl Maid and experimenting
with new Cereals, all of these Ro
mantic Adventures combining to mane
ivhnt In known as Citv Life.
Thev were simply four scrambling
Units in the Great Ant-Hill; four tiny
Tadpoles in the great Schools tnat
wiggled up and down the main
Thoroughfares. It seemed that their
only Chance to make an Impression
on the huge and callous City was to
die and then hold up a line of Street
Pars while the Hearse and the five
Carriages moved slowly In the direc
tion of Calvary.
But Destiny had them spotted.
Father waa verv busy trying to run
a Shoe String up to a National Bank.
He would rush into his Office and open
the Desk and push Buttons and send
r,,rrv.TTn Wires and dictate Letters to
trembling Myrtle with the Small Waist
The New Fable of the Vultures Who
Never Were Fed.
Once there was a Handsome Dog
who was strong with every one ex
cept the Mothers.
Ha was commonly reputed to be his
own worst Enemy, for he dallied with
t.h Hum and rolled the Bones and
loved to greet jocund Day when it
stood tip-toe on the misty Mountain
Top. He was one of our most con
sistent little Greeters.
Like everv other Rowdy-dow he was
loved by a Nice Girl of spotless Repu
tation and large trusting Bovine Eyes.
All of her Friends formed a King
around her and did the Hammer on
the Anvil, but when the good-looking
Scamp hunted her up again and called
her Little Girl and said she looked
awful Lucky to him and smoothed
back her Hair, she forgot the Solemn
Warnines and did the Cuddle.
They were Married and then all oi
the Rappers got out their Stop
watches and gave him anywhere from
One Week to 90 Days to have his right
Trilby back on the Brass Foot-Rail.
But we are not all Rotters, no mat
ter what Ibsen says, and the Big Six
of the White Light Circuit settled
right down as a Carpet-Slipper, Feed-the-Ftirnace,
and Push-the-Lawn-Mower
Worst nf all. ha became a confirmed
Wife-Lover, the most contemptible of
all Human Beings, next to the One
who eats Graham Crackers in Bed
The Prophets who had put up all
tha 24-Sheets killing his Downfall
were so Peeved that they barred him
from the Auction Whist Club.
Moral: The dutiful Husband can
be found only In Real Life.
"Why do you weep? Is your dress
out of style?"
"Worse than that. My husband has
decided that we will have to go
through the season with a 1913 airship."
Gravestones Sink Into Ground.
Antiquarians will be greatly 1b
terested In the recent find ot the Bos
ton cemetery department at the an
cient Phipps street burial ground,
Charlestown. Ten gravestones wer
discovered in ditterent parts ot m
ground, all buried beneath several feet
of earth. It was evident that they had
been sunk Into the ground by thelf
own weight more than a century ago.
The Phipps street ground was the bur
ial place of early settlers from 1K30.
The most ancient stone was of April,
1606, erected over the grave of Maud
Graves. Two others are of that cen
tury, six are of the years 1708, 1718,
1734, 1737, 1747, while one is of th
year 1801.
Times Change.
Patrice I see when the straw
hat first appeared, in 1784, it was
worn exclusively by women.
Gertrude Now when father gets
through with It, mother can put a
feather and some flowers on it and
claim it tor her own.
No Need to Move.
"Going to spend the summer at a
wntprlnff nlace?" lnauired the first
New York broker.
"You might call it that," answered
the other one. "I'm going to Btay right
here on the stock exchange."
Tr tjrv'R Vernilfnce
and eipela Woriua lu l
"Doail Shot" kill,
very lew houra.
Not Getting Next.
"Don't you enjoy getting next to
"Only in a general way," replied Mr.
Growcher. "When some of the details
of nature loom up, such as a wasp or
a hornet, I want to keep my distance."
In 1915.
Guest (glancing over menu) What'B
the best word today, old man?
Waiter (whispering) Beefsteak.
Guest Why, it isn't on the card.
Waiter Sh! You know, it's the
closed season yet, sir! Puck.
An Extremist.
"I'm afrultl," said Mr. Chuggins,
"thnt a man can be over-conscientious
about running a Motor car."
"Have you been that way .'
"Yes, I grew so'interested In Bloif
niil violating the soeed
limit that a policeman had to threaten
to arrest me for standing too long in
one place." Washington Star.
Try Murine Kye Remedy for Bed, Wenk, Water
Byes and Uninitiated KyellUn; No Hmartlnf
(jy mail Free. Murine Eye Remedy C, Chief
Close Quarters.
Normantlle Cun you dress with!
your income?
Bnrtram Yes, but it's like dressing
In an upper berth. Pennsylvania
Punch Bowl.
LjnWARIi V. rilikTOh -
I Lttiutvilltt. OoJ"i.l(. Kptv-i
His Reason.
"Smith must be a brave sort of
man. He says he believes, no mat
ter what happens, in facing the
"That's because Smith is an or
chestra leader."
Sliver. Iid, U. Oold, SUmt. OoIJ. tvat Zia
nrCdiimr fl. Mwiliue nvelopei, a A full prlolll.
sent on !'Plit,tlon. (loalrol ufd tlmnljrb WWII
IuiiumL lidftfrenoe: (WrtMiusta National B
The Element of Difficulty.
"Is it hard to learn the use of a tele
scope?" asked the student.
"Not very," replied the candid pro
fessor. "The hardest thing about as
tronomy is guessing what something
is after you manage to see it."
or nervous prostration, Lydia h. r ink-
ham's Vegetable Compound is the sun
fnr female ills.
it .t. o.itr..!- from those dis
vuiueu nuv J ,
tressing ills peculiar to their sex should
be convinced of the ability of Lydia E.
i be coi'nncea oi me buuu ui in.' ."
' Pinkham's Vegetable Compound to re- fcls Money, the Reporters oame around
... . . .. r n n a L h.ab . n .-tiff TlOUoft Unit H P-
i,ie health hv the many genuine
and truthful testimonials we are con
tantlv mihliahin? in the newspapers.
If yon wsnt special advice write to
lydia E.Pinkhsm Medieine Co. (conn-
i . . f i . T ..a Tnur letter Will
v j ...j mnA answered DT St
lie uururii itm an. - -
vonian aud held la strict confidence.
p. N. U.
NO. 40, "
yHEN writint to advertiser., pleaM
and he was bo stiff-necked and de
fiant that all of them referred to him
a th Millionaire Promoter.
ti mi easier to be this kind of a
Millionaire than stand for a Search.
Fverv Office Building is coagulated
with Millionaires who never will be
Caught until the Tin Box is opened in
th Probate Court. Then the widow
win iret ready to take Boarders
.- ... e"
a nnn as Father was bawled as a
Millionaire it was up to Mother to join
a new kind of Club and have a Handle
Why Worry Over Fate?
We cannot escape fate. Even if
we are allowed to lead a useful life
after forty, and escape chloroform
at sixty, we must still face the fact
that we have little chance of round
ing up with the 10 per cent of hu
mankind that is free from tubercu
inula And the scientific dictum Is
nlrl that nobodv Is perfectly Bane.
The pathetic part ot the matter is
that so many people go on living in
diseraceful lenorance of the tragedy
of their existence, even making merry
Impractical Advice.
"I should advise you to gamble
rather than write," said the man of
conspicuous opinions.
"Yes." replied Mr. Penwlggle; "but
a gambler has to have money to start
with." Washington Post.
Naughty Man I
An ornery pup is liinatz Grand. t
His conduct Is distressiiiB;
He went into the kltdixn and '
He watched the salad dressing; (
Cincinnati Enquirer.
He rambles through the house at will
And no one's pardon begs.
He went Into the dining room
And saw the table s legs.
Temple Telegram.
He prowled around the pantry with
A most offensive air;
And lingered long, immodestly,
Where all the shelves were bars.
Heard on a Piazza.
She (throwing down magazine)
Goodness! The end of that story posi
tively Btartled me.
He You shouldn't Jump at conclu
sions. Boston Evening Transcript,
Seeking Contrast.
"Is that country place cooler than
the city?"
"I don't know. I go there for the
sake of the railroad trip. After an
hour or so on the cars any place seems
Out of His Line.
Ambulance Officer You Baw that
man in front of your car. Why didn't
vou signal?
Amateur Golf Champion I did. 1
yelled "Fore!1
as loud as I could.
Just tell them that you saw me, but
you didn't see my bayonet saw. From
a war correspondent's notes.,
Not So Bad.
"I hear that Bobby Dings is accused
of being bibulous.
'Nothing of the sort. The only
thing about Bobby is that he will per
sist in going on jags.
Changeful Requirements.
"Don't you dance?"
"No." replied Miss Cayenne. "I
used to two weeks ago. But I haven't
had time to learn the really fashion
able steps."
The Limit.
"Isn't it awful the way all the food
stuff is going up?
"Yes: as I passed through the
kitchen just now, I noticed that even
the bread is rising.
A Strategist
"Your boy Josh doesn't get up till
It's almost time for dinner."
"Well," replied Farmer Corntosset
"I don't know as I altogether blame
htm. We always have oatmeal mush
for breakfast and Josh doesn't like It
"How big did you say that rattle
snake was?
"1 said it was four feet long. But
a snake is like a fish. It shrinks aft
er capture."
No Danger.
"1 wonder if the Habbleys run any
risk of ostracism if they go to that
fashionable resort?"
"Oh. no: they've all been va
Purifies Blood
With Telling Effect
Zi fcs Conscious Evidence of
Its Direct Action.
First Rattler So that man was un
Second Rattler Very. I gave him a
bite and he at once produced his
flask; but he didn't ask me to drink
with him.
The Ample Supply.
"When we go to the theater mi
wife gets breathless at the thrilling
"That oughtn t to worry you. Yours
is strong enough for both.
The Result.
"When Miss May me spoke 1 thought
ahA had a catch in her voice."
"Well, maybe she had been fisblug
for a compliment."
I R B tba fnmona blood nurlfier. llmolt
talkf a. It aweepi lta way through tUe cir
culation, Its talon is so direct that very
often la lome forms of akin adlctlon U.
appearance of tli eruptloua cbansea ever
nlcbt, the Itch and redueat art (on. ana
recovery begun Imaaeaiatciv.
Aa a mailer ot fact, mer. i an nireai-
l u a d whli'h aerrea tka active BUr-
poae of Itimulatlns each cellular part .1
the body to Ui mauny aau juoicioua selec
tion of Its awn eaaeiilal nutrlmsat. Tbat
i. h u ..nHini the klonit aunnlv '. wbv
it has such a Influence la ver.
coming tczemt, rath, plaaplea, ul an saia
And la rffinoraUni the tissues B. n. s.
haa a rapid and positive antidotal effect
upon all tboae Irritating mnueacea uai
cause rbeumatlsm, aore tbroat, weas tyta,
loaa of welgbt, this, p.le cbeeki, ana tnai
wearineaa of muscle and nerve tnat Is tea-
erally experience a iprlng fever, Get
bottle ox B. n. n. at any orug sure, aa
a few days you will not only feel bright and
energetic, but jou will be the ilctur. of
new life. B. B. 8, ! prepa.-ed only In the
laboratory of The Bwlft Specific Co., 63
Kwlft Bide, Atlanta, 0.., who maintain
very efficient Medical Department, where all
who have an; blood dlnorder of a stubborn
natur. may write freely for advice and
...,,i.t k t . in M M t la anla
I u.fu wi i.iniiu. mi.. -
everywhere by drug atom, department anej
l -i k... i. I ,11 u.ihutltutuaw
Ki-uriai iioiri, oiii u.HHi w
L- sot accept then.