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About Bohemia nugget. (Cottage Grove, Or.) 1899-1907 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 20, 1907)
E IRON PIRATE
A Ttain TaU of Strang
Happening on the Sea
By MAX PKMBKRTOrr
Tt waa Inter that Captain Black. Doctor
Onbart and myself entered the 7 :30 train
from Ramsgate; leaving the itw tender,
now disguised, with the man John and
eight of the most turbulent among the
crew of the nameless ship aboard her. We
had come without hindrance through the
crowded water of the Channel : and. styl
ing ourselves a Norwegian whiter In bal
last had gained the difficult harbor with
out arousing suspicion. At the flrt
Black had thought to leave me on the
steamer ; but I gave htm solemn word that
I would not seek to quit him. that I would
rot In any way betray him while the truce
lasted, and that I would return, wherever
I was, to the tender in the harbor at the
end of a week.
I will not pause to tell you my own
thoughts when I set foot on shore again
I-could not help but carry my memory to
the last occasion when, with Roderick and
Mary, I had come to London in the very
hope of getting tidings of this man who
now sat with me in a Kent Coast express.
Where were the others then the girl
who had been as a sister to me, and the
man aa a brother; how far had the fear
of my death made sad that childish face
which had known such little sadneas In Its
sixteen years of life? It was odd to think
that Mary might be then returned to Lon
don, and that I, whom perchance she
thought dead, was near to her, and yet.
in a sense, mora cut off from her than in
the grave itself.
It was after 10 o'clock that tht ride
terminated, and. following Black and Os
bart into a closed carriage, I was driven
from the station. We drove for fifteen
minutes, staying at last before a house
in a narrow street, where we went up
stairs to a suite of rooms reserved for us.
After an excellent supper Osbart left at.
but Black took me to a double-bedded
room, saying that he could not let me out
of his sight.
"Boy, if you make one attempt to play
me false," said he, "III blow your brains
On the next morning Black quitted the
house at an early hour after breakfast,
but he locked the door of the room upon
Osbart and myself. "Not," as he said,
"because I can't take your word, but be
cause I don't want anyone fooling in
here." He returned in the evening at 7
o'clock, and found me aa he had left me,
reading a novel.
The following day was Thursday. I
hall always remember it, for I regard
It as one of the most memorable days in
my life. Black went out aa usual early
In the morning: hia object being, as on
the preceding day, to find out, if he could,
what the Admiralty were doing in view of
the robbery of the Bellonic. We had been
left thus about the space of an hour when
there came a telegram for the doctor, who
Tead it with a fierce exclamation.
"The captain wants me urgently," said
he, "and there's nothing to do but to leave
you here. You must put up with the In
dignity of being locked in. The man wno
owns this house is one of us."
When he was gone I sat in the great
armchair, pulling it to the window, and
taking up my book. I could hear the hum
of town, the rumbling of busea, and the
subdued roar of London awake. I could
even see people in the houses at the other
aide of the leads, and it occurred to me.
What if I open that casement and call
for help? I had given a pledge, it is trus :
but should a pledge bind under such con
ditions? I was in the very throes of a mental
struggle when the strange event of the
day happened. I chanced to look op from
the book I had been trying to read, and
I saw a remarkable object upon the leads
outside my window. It was the figure of
a man, looking into my room : and pres
ently, when he had given me Innumerable
cods and wink a, be took a knife from bis
pocket, and opened the catch, stepping
into the chamber with the nimble foot of
goat apon a crag path. Then be drew
a chair up to mine, slapped me upon the
knee and aaid:
"In the name of the law! I take yon
by surprise; bat business, Mr. Mark
Strong. In the first place I have wired
to your friend, Mr. Roderick 8tewart,
and I expect him from Portsmouth In a
couple of hours ; in the second, your other
friend, the doctor, la under lock and key,
on the trifling charge of murder In the
Midlands, to begin with. When we have
Captain Black, the little party will be
I looked at him. voiceless from the sur
prise of it, and be went on :
"I needn't tell you who I am; but
there's my card. We have aix men In the
street ouulde, and another half dozen
watching the leads here. You will be
sensibls enough to follow my Instructions
absolutely. Black, we know, leavea the
country to-night in bis steamer. The
probability la that he will com to fetch
you at 7 o'clock I have frightened It all
out of the people downstairs if he does,
you will go with him. Otherwise, he's
pretty sure to send someone for you, and,
a yoo at the moment are our sole link be
tween that unmitigated scoundrel and his
arrest, I ask you to risk one step more,
and return at any rate aa far aa the coast,
that we may follow oka for the last time."
I looked at hia card, whereon was the
inscription, "Detective Inspector King,
Scotland Yard ;" and I said at once :
"I shall not only go to the coast, bat
to hia tender, for I've given my word.
What you may do In the meantime Is not
my affair. I suppose he's made a sensa
. "Sensation 1 There Isn't another sub
ject talked of In any house In Europe
but, read that; and It's ten thousand In
my pocket, any way!"
Detective-Inspector King went as be
bad come, paaslng noiselessly over the
leads ; but ha left ma a newspaper, where
in there was column after column con
cerning the robbery of the Bellonic. At
last, the police war on the trail of Cap
tain Black ; yet I saw at once that, lack
Ing my help, he would elude them.
It was half past six when at last a man
unlocked the door of my roam and entered.
He was one of Black's negroes.
"Sar will come quick." said he. "and
leav his luggage. The master waits."
He gave me no time for any eiplsna
tlons. but took me by the arm. and. pas'
ing from the house by a back door, he
went some way down a narrow street
There a cab waited for us, and we drove
away, but not before one, who stood on
the pavement, had made a slight signal
to me, and called another cab. In him I
recognised IVtectire Inspect King, and
I knew that we were followed.
We drove rapidly and took a train for
Tilbury. The Journey was accomplished
In something under an hour; and when
we alighted and got upon the bank of
the river, I saw a steam launch with the
man John In the bows of her. I entered
the launch and we started Immediately,
going at a great pace towards Sheernee ;
nd reached the Nore after some buffet
with the seas In the open. At this point
we sighted the tender, and went aboard
her. when we made full speed towards the
Black had made a coloasal mistake.
from his point of view, in setting foot in
England ; but the crowning blunder of his
life was that fatal act of folly by which
he had sought to shield me from the men.
Now the object of letting Black reach his
vessel again was aa clear aa daylight; it
was not so much the man aa hia ship
which they wished to take.
But were we followed? I had 'seen
nothing to lead me to that conclusion aa
I came down the Thames; and now, fa
vored by an Intensely dark night, we
promised. If nothing should intervene, to
gain the Atlantic In two days, and to be
aboard that strange citadel which was our
stronghold against the nations. There
waa no algn of any warship pursuing; no
indication whatever that the tender, then
steaming at thlrteeo knots towards Dover,
was watched or observed by any living
I was dead worn out and slept twelve
hours at the least, for It was afternoon
when I awoke. Black waa not in the
cabin, and I went above to him on the
bridge. There was no land then to be
een ; but the clear play of sparkling
waves ahone away to the horlson over a
tumbling sea. upon which were a few
ships. Upon one of these he constantly
turned his glass.
By and by all the crew began to ob
serve Black's anxiety and to crowd to the
starboard side; but he told them noti
ng, although he never left the bridge. It
waa somewhat perplexing to me to ob
serve that, while the great ship waa un
doubtedly following ua, she did not gain
a yard upon us. .
This strange pursuit lasted three days
and Into the third night; when I waa
awakened from a snatch of sleep by the
firing of a gun above my head. I got on
deck, where my eyea were almost blinded
by a great volume of tight which spread
over the eea from a point some two miles
away on our starboard bow. Wa had been
in the Atlantic then for twenty-four
hours, and I did not doubt for a moment
that we had reached the nameless ship.
Had there been any uncertainty, the wild
joy of the men would have banished It.
I heard the voice of Black singing,
"Hands, stand by to lower boats !" At
that moment the cruiser showed her teeth.
Suddenly there waa a rush of flame from
her bows, and a shell hissed above us
the first sign of her attempt to stop us
joining our own ship.
We were no more than a Quarter of a
mile from safety, but the run was full of
peril, and, aa the launch stood out, the
nameless ship of a sudden shut off her
light. If possible to shield us la the dark.
But the pursuer Instantly flooded us with
her own arc, end. following It with quick
shots, she hit the Jolly-boat at the third.
Of the eight men there, only two rose
when the bull bad disappeared.
"Fire away!" cried Black, shaking his
fist, and mad with passion ; "and get your
hands In ; you'll want ail the bark you've
got Just now."
But we had hauled th men aboard as
be spoke, and, though two shells foamed
in the sea and wetted u to the akin In
the paaaage, we were at the ladder of the
nameless ship without other barm, and
with fierce shouts the men gained the
For them It waa a glorious moment
They bad weathered the-perils of a city,
and stood where they could best face the
crisis of the pursuit. It was a spectacle
to move the most stolid apathy; the sight
of a couple of hundred demoniacal figures
lighted by the great white wave of light
from the enemy's ship, their faces up
turned aa they waited Black's orders,
their hands flourishing knives and cut
lasses, their hunger for the coo test be
trayed In every gesture.
"Boys," cried Black, Myooders a gov
ernment ship. Yob know me, that I don't
run after war scum every day, for that's
not my business. But we're abort of oil,
and the cylinders are heating. Boys, It's
swing or take that ship and the oil aboard
"Look out aft the torpedo !"
A tiny Una of foam waa Just visible
for a second in the way of the light ; but,
the moment the cruiser bad shot It from
her tuba, aba extinguished her are, leav
ing na to light the waters wkh our own.
There waa no difficulty whatever In fol
lowing the Una of the deadly message.
"Full speed astern !" roared Black, and
the nameless ship moved backwards, fast
er and yet faster. But the black death
bearer followed her, as a shark follows a
death ship ; wa seemed even o hare back
ad Into its course it cams on aa though
to strike us full amidships, but the great
ship awung round with a majestic sweep,
and aa wa waited braathleaely. the torpedo
' passed right under our bow, missing the
ram by a hair's breadth.
I We fired at the cruiser, hitting her
right under the fuituel, and a second time
near her fore guu. Nor did eh answer
our firiug, but rolled to the swell appar
ently out of actiou. I
"Skipper, are you going aboard her
now?" asked the matt "Roaring John."
"She's doue by her looks, sud you'll gut
no oil If ye duley. Karl, there, he ian't
aa comfortable aa If he were lu his bed."
The little Uennan euglnevr waa very
far from It. He was almost desperate
when minute by minute his stock of oil
grew leas; and he raw from one to the
other as though we hsd grease In eur
pockets, and could (Ire It to him. BWk
took due notice, but did not lose hia calm.
You're quite sure she's done, John?"
he asked, turning to the big man.
"She's doue, I guess, or why don't she
The words had scarce left his Ilpa
when the cruiser's aft guua thuudered out
aim oe t together, and gut shell passed
through the very ceuter of our group. It
cut the man John in half aa be might
have been cut by a eword, and hi blood
and flrah aplaabed ua, while the other half
of him stood up like a bust upon the deck,
and during one horrible momeut hia anna
moved wildly, and there was a horrid
quivering of the muscle of his face. Tbe
second shot struck the roof of the turret
obliquely, and glanced from It Into the
sea. The destruction se-nued to move
Black aa no more than a rain shower. 11
simply cried: "All hanJ to cover; I'm
going to give era a taste of tbe machine
guns;" and we re-entered the conning
tower. Then, aa w began to move again,
I swept the horlson with our light ; but
this time, far away over the black waste
of water, the signal waa answered.
Number two!" aald Black, quit calm
ly, when I told him, "and thia time a bat-
tleosjjp. Well, boy, if we don't take that
oil yonder In ten mlnutea you may say
The nameless ahip bounded forward In
to the night, and soon waa not fifty yards
away from her opponent. Never have I
known anything akin to the episode when
bullets rang upon our decks In hundred,
and the dead and the living In the other
ship lay huddled together. In a seething.
struggling, moaning mass. We had open
ed fire upon her before such of ber men
as could be spared had got below.
Let 'em digest that!" cried Black, aa
he watched the havoc.
I, who had not ceased to watch that
distant light which marked another war
ship on the horlson, knew that a second
light had shone out aa a star away over
tbe eea ; and now, when I looked again.
I saw a third light. We were being sur
rounded. The searchlights of the distant
ships were clearer to my view every mo
ment. Black aaw tbem, and took a sight
from the glass. -
Boy," he said, "you should have told
me of thia. I see three lights, and that
means a fleet."
Are you going to ran for It?" I asked.
Run for h, with two engines, yes ;
but It's a poor business. And we'll have
to fight r
I saw the foremost Ironclad but two
mllea away from us, and tbe others were
sweeping round to rat us off If we at
tempted flight. We lay with but two en
gines working, and 'a speed of sixteen
knots at the beet. Nor did we know from
minute to minute when another engine
would break down. At that moment there
came a horrible sound of grating and
tearing from the engine room, and it was
succeeded by a moment of dead nad chill
"Tbe second engine's gone!" said a
man above, quite rahnly.
We found the crew sullen and mutter
ing, but Fried rich, the engineer's eldest
son, sat at the top of the engine room lad
der, and tears rolled down his face. The
great ship still trembled under the shock
of the breakdown and waa not showing
ten knots. Tbe foremost Ironclad crept
up minute by minute; and before we had
realised th whole extent of tbe mishap,
she waa within gunshot of us; but her
colleagues were soma mile away, she out
pacing them all through it.
"She signals to ua to let ber coma
aboard." aaid "Four-Eyes."
"Answer that we'll see In chips first,"
said Black, and be called for Karl and
made signs to him.
Those on th battleship made quit sura
of us now, for tbey steamed on and came
within three hundred yards of us. Black
watched tbem as a beast watches the un
suspecting prey. He stood, hia face knit
In savage lines, hia hand upon the bell.
I looked from th glass, and saw that no
man was visible upon our decks, that our
engine had ceased to move. W were
motionless. Then in a second the bells
rang out. There was again that frightful
grating and tearing In th engine room.
The nameless ship cam round to ber
helm with a mighty sweep; she foamed
and plunged In tbe seas; an turned her
ram straight at the other; and, groaning
s a great stricken wounded beast, she
roared onward to tbe voyage of death. I
knew then the fearful truth ; Black meant
to sink the cruiser with bis ram. I alia 11
never forget that moment of terror, that
grinding of heated steel, that plunge Into
the seas. I waited for the crash, and In
the suspense hours seemed to pass. As
last there waa under the sea a mighty clap
of submarine thunder. Dashed headlong
from my post, I lay bruised and wounded
upon the floor of steel. The roof above
ma rocked; the walla shook and were
bent; my ears rang with the deafening
roar in them ; aeaa of foam mounted ;
shrieks and the sound of awful rending
and tearing drowned other about of men
going to their death. And through all
waa th hysterical yelling of Black, his
defiance, his elation.
(To be continued.) '
CealdW't root Hew.
Miss DePIsyn (proudly) A doeen
men offered me their bauds at the sea
shore this summer.
Miss Wlserly Indeed! How long
have you been a atudent of palmis
try! Wtil4 Part tew lare.
"Have pity on me, darling," pleaded
tbe poor but otherwise bouest young
man ; "I cannot live without you."
"What's the matter," queried the
homely heiress; "have you lost your
London cab driven ecrn an aggre
gate of o'er 10,000 per day.
I Itookakelt r Heho.
om. ii nk- to idant mvsrlf
boyhood's long neglected shelf,
,)nP, mor, t0 ol- tlMM(, volumes worn
Which modern pages make forlorn,
1 0nr mor ,0 tn, moments speed
With Outlet Castlemon. Mayne Reld I
And "Boat Club" set, "The White Chief"
Ah, these were books, I do declare !
"Jack Hatard!" Joy! Again we meet
By grace of Trowbridge line replete 1
And, 'pon my word, here's "Cudjo's
(Waa Cudjo not a "dandy" slave?)
The "Scottish Chiefs" Is this. I guess.
With "Thaddeua of Wamaw" yes!
And this (I loaned It o'er and o'er)
Is Stephens' "I-eft on Ibrador !"
Pasa by that dogeared treasure? No!
Tie Scott's entrancing "Ivanhoe!
' (How often of It clamour taught,
n,ve Tom and I In tourney fought!)
And here. Imploring boyhood's eye.
The "I Jim of the Mohicans" Ilea!
Hall! Hawkeys, Uncas, Chlngachgook !
("lerslayer" la that next old book.)
Come, "Crusoe," pretty ragged, you
A hundred times read through and
Your woodcuts blurred. While this one
The far-marooned "Swiss Family !"
And look ! Their loneeomenee confessed,
"Aladdin." "Slnhad" and th ret
Peer forth from rovers stained and dim.
Awaiting cheek by jowl with Orluim !
I' pon this fadad back discern
Th tempting wisard name of Vernal
The title? Must be "Field of Ice"
Or, no ; some "trip" of strange device.
Munchausen, here; that, Gulliver;
This, Coffin truthful chronicler.
(The other three, of count, ar bricka.
But can't beat "Boys of 70:")
And you. O gift of gentler pen,
U'ulfta A Icon's "Little Men!"
And you, whom kindred soul creates,
"Hans Blinker; or, The Sliver Skates !"
But duty warns lake mother's dread
"Stop, my son ; time to go to bed."
In vain I'd beg: "One chapter more T
Farewell, dear ahelf of boyhood's lore.
It waa pouring rain, but tbe twlna
did not mind It one bit, because they
always liked ever so many rainy days
when tbey were making a visit at
Grandma bad a big attic, filled full
of tbe most wonderful things tluit you
There were large trunks full of queer
ruffled colt and velvet knee-breeches.
And there were bouncing bandboxes
that held funny green ralashea and the
biggest poke bonnets Imaginable. And
then there waa the Noah's ark !
It waa not like your pretty painted
one. which la full to the very top wltb
a wonderful menagerie.
It waa only a little old block box
wlthoat any cover. And the auluiala!
Uncle Jacob cut them all out of some
piecea of wood wltb bis Jock knife,
ever so many years ago, when be waa
not much older than tbe twlna.
And these anlmala were J list as
funny-looking as all the rest of the
things up In that queer old garret
There were blue cows and pink lions
and red-and-blnrk leopards, and when
Uncle Jacob had finished tbem be dis
covered that all tbe animals looked
very much alike, so he wrote tbe name
on the back of each one In great black
Polly and Patty lied this Noah's ark
better than snythtng else In that whole
attic, and tbey thought It was every
bit as wonderful as Uncle Jacob did
when be bad finished It so many years
So this rainy morning, after they
bad finished their breakfast, these two
little girls hurried up to the attic and
ran straight to the corner under tbe
eaves to get their precious treaaure.
Patty got here first, but when she
looked Into the box she said, "Ob ! ob !
oh!" very loud Indeed.
"Why, what's the matter?" exclaim
ed Polly, breathlessly.
"There's a live animal In It!" whis
pered Patty. "There's a beap of baby
mice! A whole neat of them! And
they're pink, 'stead of gray and furry.
Peep In and see tbem, quick, Polly!"
Polly shivered. "I don't dare to,"
she said. And then something happen
ed that made both children scamper
down those stair In a terrible rus)
Tbe mother mouse came boms!
MI guess we can't go up In the attic
ever again," said Patty, woefully,
M 'cause I'm not 'specially fond of mice,
less they're In traps."
But when Uncle Jacob went up Into
tbe attic with ber after ulnner. there
stood tbe Noah's ark Just where Polly
bad left It The mice were gone. Ev
ery one of them! And the twins are
still wondering If the big yellow pussy
cat could tell them a secret, for she
was washing her face, and she looked
so knowing and wise. Youth's Com
panion. The Mother Bird.
It has been said by observers of birds
that some of them will feed their young
if they are caged, and If tbey fall, after
a time, to release them, tbey will bring
tbem a poison weed to est so that death
may end their captivity. This Is bard
to believe, but an apparently well a
thwntlcated Incident Is cited to prove If.
Three young orioles were captured nl
were Immediately caged ami Mm cage
was hung In a tne. The mother noil
tame, calling to the Utile one, and In
a llttt while she brought them itie
worms. She continued for several day
to feed Ihent, without paying much at
tention to the jxTsons who were about,
but one day she lnught them a sprig
o? green In the morning, ami dleap
prared. In less than an hour the young
blnls were dead. An examination of
the sprig showed that tt was the deadly
larkspur, which, It la aald, will kill
full grown cattle. There I, of course,
a possibility that the mother bmught
them the sprig by mistake, but to he
Here that would Int to doubt the pn
tectlve Instinct that naturalists attrib
ute to blnls and aulmsl.
Tnaa r -Trv j.
Kddle drew s lien sitting In a box.
Whvn be came to look at It he acci
dentally tunted the slate on its end,
and lo! the hen dtanpiirarcd and a calf
was In ber place.
Hew Walk ttlra.
IVrhai It has never oecurnM to the
boys and girls that there Is a good way
and a had way to walk uiwtalr. Hear
what a well known physician says
shout It There are few iorne who
know how to walk upstairs nierty.
t'sually a person will tread on tbe hall
of his foot In taking each step, spring
ing hlmeelf up to tint next step. This
1 not only (Iresome, but Is wearing on
the muscles, ss It throws the entire
suended weight of the body on the
legs snd the feet. In walking upstairs
the feet should be placva sijuarely down
on the step, heel and all. snd then the
ascent ahould be made without hurry.
In this wsy there will be no strsln
on any particular muscle, but each will
do Its work In a natural manner.
QI AM AN HEART TOO LARQI.
I)or ( That ('try Tells ( OS-
rtttU mt OlrnpU Umtmmm.
A German medical man publishes
some Interesting comparisons made at
the Olympian games reapectlng the
all and stamina of the heart of the
English. American and German nun-
pet I tors reiectlvely. Dr. Smith says
that sa soon as he examined before the
games the hearts of German sportsmen
he could prophesy that they would
prove no formidable rlvala. The sise
of tho heart was so abnormally great
that In contests requiring strength, en
ergy snd endurance It was physically
ltioMitlble that ttwy should succeed.
Results proved the truth of this fore
cast, and It Is notable that the few
German athletes who did win places
were In poelon of the minimum
In the American sportsmen the heart
conditions were In striking contrast to
those of the Germans. Many of the
American athletes were found to pos
sess besrts smaller In dimensions than
the smallest heart ever measured In
a German nospitai. An invinnme
sprinter possessed the smallest heart
among the American competitors. A
German-American athlete, rather sig
nificantly, was found to have the
Among the Englishmen examined the
heart was found to be slightly larger
than that of the Americans, though
smaller than that shown by any other
nation. A parallel case which occurred
st the games strikingly Illustrated the
difference In form between the English
snd the German athletes. In spite of
an Indisposition a German athlete took
part In a certain contest. Subsequent
examination proved that his heart bad
Increased at the end of the struggle
to double Its previous size. An En
glishman, suffering from the same In
disposition, returned from the contest
as winner and hia heart had become
smaller. The writer points out that
by a wrong aystein of training and In
Judicious living German athletes are
doing much to cultivate heart and
nerve complaints on a serious scale.
Joke em tbe I'ro feasor.
The scholarly William K. llyerly,
professor of matheiunllcs at Harvard,
was once asked by a student bow to de
velop a retentive memory. Tbe pro
fessor answered that ordinary mental
exercise was sufficient to secure a
good memory, whereat the student ask
ed If he might test the mental capacity
of bis Instructor. Professor Byerly
agreed and the student asked him to
listen to and remember several varied
Items for a test He began i
"One quart of whisky."
"Urn!" said the professor.
"Six pounds of sugar, a pint of sour
milk, three onions, half a gallon of mo
lasses and two raw eggs"
"Urn !" said the professor.
Two green apples, twenty -six pea
nuts, one and a half cucumbers and
four mince pies."
"Urn!" said the professor.
"A package of starch, sixty-seven
cakes of yeast and the sklna of seven
bananas. Got that down?"
"Yes," answered Dr. Byerly.
"How does It taste?" asked the stu
dent And when you hear a man boast of
bis ancestors It's a safe bet that bis de
scendants will have no occasioa to
boast of theirs.
"How many children have ynuT"
Two living sud one writing Jokes for
a dally pmr." Clevelnnd, leader.
"Is Mamie taking a day "T Ut cele
brate her birthday?" "he's tak
ing a year off." Iloaton Transcript.
"You unly don't meet them social
ly." "Oh, no; only to have a good
time, you know." l.os Angeles News.
Rettd-I see they have s new dance,
called the automobile dance. Greene
It It a breskdown? -Votikers Ststea-
Thst handsome Jack Savage kissed
me last night." "I thought he would.
He told me he felt awfully sorry for
you." Cleveland Plain I hitler.
"What are you taking for your mid?"
I "Nothing." "Nothing?" "Hut my dear
follow " "Nothing. I any, not even
advice. Fine day. Isn't lt?" Cleveland
Upson IM you get that "rundown
feeling" every spring? Downs Kvery
spring! Why, I've been lilt by sn auto
U.itce s week fur the Issl two months!
letnilt Free Press.
Neighbor llerr littler, mine home
Immediately. Your wlfo has siirfoest
ed herself with ga. Iluher Heavens !
There'll be a nice gas bill to py.
"Did you say your new doctor's nam
Was Steed ?" "Yes; Doctor Steed."
"My! I'd be sfrsld to engage him;
sounds as If lie were a great charger."
Mr. Jawtmck (savagely ) I wish you
were somewhere I'd never lm stile to
see you again. Mrs. Ja whack (sweet
ly) Well, at sny rate. It's nice of you
tt wish me In heaven. Clcvelsnd lead
er. She Did ytu aver see th Homer
twins? He 'Yes. She-Iton't you think
the boy Is the picture of his fattier?
He -Yes and I also think th girl I
the phonograph of ber mother. Chi
cs go New a
Nervous Porter (In a single breath,
to hotel doorkeeper) I s'toe yer don't
aipen ter know untndy wot ain't stop
pin' 'ere wot ain't sent for no one not
to move no luggage nor nottilnk, do
First Millionaire Hani lines these
days. Second Millionaire Yes ; our
relatives are wstttng for us to die to
gel our money, snd the rent of the
world doesn't want to wait that long.
New York Sun.
Jack- Some of the greatest trtchclnre
of the sge tell us that marriage Is a
flat failure. Krs (evasively ) Wall
er sll married couples don't have to
live In flats. Some ran live In cot
tuges. IlluMtrnted Bits.
Hubby My et. you will pardon me,
but aren't those griddle cake a lit t IA
burnt? Wlfey (almost In tears) O,
Tom! And I tried to make them so
pretty for you with that pymgraph set
you gave me. lloetnn Transcript.
I-gnl Repartee. lawyer I say,
doctor, why are you always running
us Iswyers down? Doctor (dryly)
Well, your profession doesn't make an
gels of men, doe It? lawyer Why,
no; you certainly have the advantage
o.' ns there, doctor.
The Just Judge. "Judge," said Mr.
Htarveu to the magistrate who had re
cently mine to boerd with her, "I'm
particularly anxious to have you try
this chicken soup." "I have tried It."
replied the magistrate, "and my decis
ion Is that the chicken has proved an
"What flahlng on the Hnhbutu?" ex
claimed the clergyman, reprovingly.
"Don't you know that little boys who
fish on the Sabbath go to the bad
place?" "Huh, 1 guess dnt's right"
replied the bad boy, disgustedly. "I
couldn't a struck no worso place dan
dl." Philadelphia Press. .
There Is no sport lu a cumtxTsome
machine," he bautered. "Give me tho
blooded horse. Wby, with a horse I
can take the fence every tlmo." The
motorist laughed. Take the fence, eh?
Why, that Is nothing. Wltb an autoino
blle you ran take the fence, the gate,
the tree, the pump, and the barn all In
two or thn seconds." Chicago Dully
Breaklaar the News.
"Alnaka Is a land of adventure and
romance," said a Khl miner. "Many
queer things uuve happened In Alsaka,"
lie continued, smiling "many wretch
ed things. Sve times It has been nec
essary to break sad news to mothers
at homo, and sometimes this news has
been broken with wonderful skill.
"An Alaskan called on a woman In
New Hampshire to toll ber of her son's
death In the Klondike.
"Yes, lady,' he said to the weeping
mother, 'I was with him to the end.
I seen blm die. And I tell ye, ma'am,
as be wus dyln' be looked Jest like aa
'Did her the mother sobbed.
'He certainly did, ma'am,' said the
Klondlksr. 'Swlngln' back'ards and
for'ards In tbe air thar ye'd 'a'
thought be bad wings.' "Kansas City
He Kiiw Better.
"Very pleaaaut out this way now,
Isn't It?" growled the sarcastic Mr,
Baeklota, as ho plowed through th
snow and mud.
"Not very, to be suro," replied Sub
hubs, "but there's one comfort about
"Hub! What a cheerful liar you
are I" Philadelphia Press,