2B | APRIL 15, 2021 | COTTAGE GROVE SENTINEL Humor at the Speed of Life James Kazad — (Remembrances of life before COVID) I’m spending in right field. I think Patsy Sullivan from DeSoto, Texas, summed it up best when she asked: Have you quit yet? As I told Patsy, I’m not a quitter. In fact, I expressed this to my teammates during a recent huddle, when we found ourselves down by two runs heading into our last at bat, which inspired me to throw my hand out and chant, “I WON’T QUIT YOU!” After an uncomfort- able moment in which all 13 of my teammates guzzled beer simulta- neously, we decided to stick with “RUNS!” as our chant. After- ward, we also decided I would be required to submit all chants on paper before any team huddles. Craig Pearson of Lake Powell, Ariz., wanted to know how we’re doing in the league standings. Currently, we are 3-3 after losing to our local radio station’s team. I should mention that KXCR is undefeated, thanks to a hard-hitting line-up, ironclad defense and a team of players committed to avoiding any mistakes that could send them back to Cuba. To our credit, we did manage to keep things close — at least until KX- CR’s timely clutch hitting sparked a 12-run rally late in the bottom of the first inning. Answering your painful questions about my softball season L ast summer, I joined a men’s softball team after not participating in anything athletic since (conservative estimate) the golden era of dodge- ball in the early ‘70s. In response, I received letters and emails from readers offering encour- agement, support and, in an isolated incident, a lucky athletic cup from someone named “Derek.” Admittedly, I was cu- rious as to what quali- fied this particular cup as “lucky.” His response should be a lesson to us all regarding the dangers of continuous baseball usage. “I used to get hit — there — almost every game,” Derek explained in a note. “Sometimes two or three times. But my [censored] never got hurt.” Though he didn’t men- tion it, I suspect Derek also has a “lucky” batting helmet. Regardless, many of you have expressed an interest in knowing how the season is going, whether I’ve had a hit yet, if jock itch has been an is- sue, and how much time Attention Hunters! Now is the time to select your 2021 hunts Complete your Controlled Hunt Applications Online at MyODFW.com Until then, it was pretty much anybody’s game. Nancy Smythe of At- lanta, Ga., asked how I’d rate my personal perfor- mance so far this sea- son. I can answer that question in two words that, coincidentally, just happen to be my official softball nickname: “Rally Killer.” That’s right. When our team is tired of running bases during a two-out rally, I’m the man they turn to. In our last game, the outfielders actually left on a beer run when I came to bat. I’m happy to say I made them regret that decision by connect- ing on a line drive that knocked over their bev- erage cooler. To answer a question from Pete Schuster of Cleveland, Tenn.: We’re not the best team; we’re not the worst team. However, I’m pret- ty sure we’re the only team with a certified horticulturalist in the line-up. This is very helpful because, in addition to being a good ballplay- er, this individual also knows that chopped beach grass, distrib- uted evenly within a beverage, can cause a person’s throat to swell shut for as long as three to four inn… I mean approximate- ly an hour. Hey, he only men- tioned this so we could recognize the symp- toms; just in case one or more of our oppo- nents suddenly drop to the infield clutching their throats; possibly even during the play- offs. Until then, I’ll keep standing in right field with my glove held high. Who knows? Some- thing might even land in it? To our valued readers: Help small businesses affected by coronavirus right now, including ours. Businesses of all sizes have been hit hard in this challenging new age of social distancing and self-isolation, but the blow has been catastrophic for small operations that rely on in-person transactions. There are many ways to help, like purchasing gift certificates or memberships, and yet there are many service-type businesses that don’t have that option. As we look to a new year, we’re celebrating what connects us as a community, and what we can do to support our local businesses! THAT’S WHY WE CREATED THE SUPPORT LOCAL TOGETHER CAMPAIGN. The Support Local Together campaign will help local businesses who have to choose between promoting their business and paying the electric bill. It will also help support the Cottage Grove Sentinel, who has seen a strong decrease in advertising revenue, but an increase in readership. Don’t wait to apply this year. IT DOES TWO THINGS. 1. Funds advertising dollars for local businesses Your financial support will go directly to fund advertising that our local businesses need to stay top of mind. Apply Now at MyODFW.com Prepare for unexpected power outages with a Generac home standby generator 2. Supports local journalism By becoming a supporting member, you are helping to replace some of the advertising revenue the Cottage Grove Sentinel has lost due to the pandemic. REQUEST A FREE QUOTE! 877-557-1912 FREE HERE IS HOW TO SUPPORT: 7-Year Extended Warranty* A $695 Value! Off er valid February 15 - June 6, 2021 Special Financing Available *To qualify, consumers must request a quote, purchase, install and activate the generator with a participating dealer. Call for a full list of terms and conditions. Subject to Credit Approval One solution for oxygen at home, away, and for travel • Call 541-942-3325 x 1200 • Make a donation of your choosing. • Choose a specific local business that you would like the advertising credit to go to, or leave that blank and we will designate it to a business we know needs help. Introducing the INOGEN ONE – It’s oxygen therapy on your terms No more tanks to refi ll. No more deliveries. No more hassles with travel. The INOGEN ONE portable oxygen concentrator is designed to provide unparalleled freedom for oxygen therapy users. It’s small, lightweight, clinically proven for stationary and portable use, during the day and at night, and can go virtually anywhere — even on most airlines. Inogen accepts Medicare and many private insurances! Reclaim Your Freedom And Independence NOW! Call Inogen Today To Request Your FREE Info Kit 1-855-839-0752 © 2020 Inogen, Inc. All rights reserved. MKT-P0108 BACKED BY A YEAR-ROUND CLOG-FREE GUARANTEE CALL US TODAY FOR A FREE ESTIMATE 15 % OFF + YOUR ENTIRE PURCHASE * 1-855-536-8838 10 % OFF SENIOR & MILITARY DISCOUNTS Mon-Thurs: 8am-11pm, Fri-Sat: 8am-5pm, Sun: 2pm-8pm EST + 5 Our community is small but generous and we recognize there are many great organizations, like ours, that could use your help. We believe the vast majority of our readers have always shared our view of the value and necessity of a strong local media and are willing to provide support Yes, I would like to become a 2020/21 Support Local Together Sponsor equal to two or three cups of Call 541-942-3325 x 1200 coffee a month to secure its Mail sponsorship form to: Cottage Grove Sentinel Supporter future. PO Box 35, Cottage Grove, OR 97424 Thank you in advance for doing your share to secure a strong local economy in the community we are proud to serve. % OFF TO THE FIRST 50 CALLERS! ** | Promo Number: 285 *For those who qualify. One coupon per household. No obligation estimate valid for 1 year. ** Offer valid at estimate only. 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