CO v MMMV tmittn. Astoria, Oregon, Tuesday Morning, April 26, 1881. No. 98. Vol. XIY. ..im $ 1 MAD ME . HORNET IN TH3 CHARACTER OP MARK TWAIN. BILL NYE OF THE DOOM Eli ANG GOES FOll DUKE DEllcCAFFEUTY. A PLEA FAVOKAI1LK TO PULLMAN'S CONDUCTORS AS A CLASS. A few days since the telegraph announced the fact that five dogs were killed in Jersey city within three hours of each other, and that three children were bitten in perusing- our exchanges yesterday we found that Bill Nye of the Boomerang was as mad as a hornet. Hornet it appears, The Hou. c!iame Ilorni-I. Had a very unpleasant experi ence lately. Mark Twain was ad vertised to lecture in the town of Glochester, hut for some reason failed to get around. In the emergency the lecture committee decided to employ Mr. Hornet to deliver his celebrated lecture on temperance, but so late in the day was this arrangement made, that no bills announcing it could be circulated, and the audience as sembled expecting to listen to the celebrated innocent. Nobody in the town knew Matk, or had ever heard him lecture, and they had got the notion that he was funny and went to the lecture prepared to laugh. Even those on the plat form, except the chairman, did not know Mr. Hornet from Mark Twain and so when he was intro duced, thought nothing of the name, as they knew .Mark Twain via a om ! I'liiuir. And supposed his real name was Hornet. The announcement is thus teld: Mr. Hornet first re marked: "Intemperance is the curse of the country.1' The audi ence burst into a merry laugh. He knew it could not be at his remark and thought his clothes must be awry, and he asked the chairman in a whisper if he was all right, and got ''yes" for answer. He couldn't understand It, but went on. "It breaks up happy homes!" still louder mirth. "It is carry ing young men down to death and hell!" a perfect roar and applause. Mr. Hornet began to get excited. He thought they were guying him, but he proceeded "we must crush the serpent!" a tremendous howl of laughter. Hornet couldn't stand it. "What 1 am saying is gospel truth!" he cried. The au dience fairly bellowed with mirth. Hornet turned To u Man on the Slnse And said: "Do 3'ou see airything very ridiculous in my remarks or behavior?" "Yes, ha ha, it's in tensely funny ha ha ha! Go on!" cried the roaring man. "This is an insult!" cried Hornet, dancing wildly about, More laughter and cries of "Go on, Twain!" And then the chairman rct the idea of the thing, and rose up and ex plained the situation, and the men on the stage suddenly quit laugh ing blushed very red, and the folks in the audience looked at each other in a mighty sheepish way, and they quit laughing too. And then Mr. Hornet, himself become thoroughly mad, and very plainly told them he had never before got into a town so en tirely populated by asses and idiots, and having said that, he left the hall. But we were cominjr to The Kill Xjc Story. And give it in his words, from the Boomerang. Bill says: A fine haired, pink cambric cuss, with the rich, Castillian name of Mc Cafferty, has been over tile Union Pacific railroad recently, and he didn't find things so nice as he had been accustome'd to. He pours out his woes in the Omaha Bee, and says that the employes of the road are not gentlemen, and eat with their hats on, and was very mad indeed. Probably Mr. Mc Cafferty was never away from home before. No doubt his moth er don't know he is out. He says that "none but gentlemen should have charge of passenger trains." That is true in some cases. If the taaveling public averaged up as well as we do when we travel, then none but gentlemen should have charge of passenger trains, but when the company kindly offer to ship a car Load or lloss In a Pullman Car, There ought to be a Texas drover with a prod-pole to take charge of it The Count D'McCaucrty don't want to sit at the table with a con ductor who eats with his hat on. Well, ding burst it; the conductors didn't used to cat with their hats on, anyway, until the tourists got to stealing the hats of train men and the latter had to protect them selves some way. A conductor isn't able lo buy a plug hat every trip, and then have it stolen by A Snoozrr I'rotu ..ow .Jrr-rj. Course not. Their salaries are not large enough. We are acquaint ed with many of the employes of this rond, and they sre gentlemen. If there is an employe on the Our Jury System. road who isn't a gentleman, and the Duke Dc McCafierty will let us know who he is, we will dis charge him, we don't care if its the resident of the road. There are lots of men who travel, and who are lik Mr. McCafferty. They HoiTI ISmr much ai name. And when they travel they want to make up for the starvation they will have to endure when the' get back. As a rule, when a man wants the porter to come and tuck him into bed every night, and fan him, and lull him to sleep with some plaintive melody, -ou can bet that that man, when he is at home, sleeps in a hay mow with a cellar door over him. If he com plains about the food and rars::t the Waiters It is safe io say that when he is clustered around his own festive board, he fills himself up with bailed hay and bran mash, and wipes his nose on the table cloth. You ought to see us when we travel. We are wreathed in smiles all the time, no matter what happens. We buy every thing that the news agent has to sell, green apples, worms, every thing, and We Xcwr Itephie a Some Do. We break forth into melodious song sometimes, and then the peo ple go forward into the smoking car, or madly throw themselves lrom the moving tram, it is always best to be chipper and gay when you travel. If a fellow-pas senger snores loudly and disturbs you, go and bang him across the snoot with a valise, laughing mer rily all the time. Don't Murmur and Complain, And make everybody wretched and unhappy, nor rush madly into print, but go and soak your head and reduce the swelling, and have some little degree of sense. That's the safe way to do. Don't give yourself dead away, as Stewart's bod' did; but keep still and sec how other people behave, and try to learn all 3011 can, so that some day you will have the requisite ability to whack a bull team at $30 per month. Shii Jos-e Mercury. The recent tria! of Xalloch, the previous trials of Schroeder and Haskell, have brought our boasted jury system into disrepute among thinking people. The question is asked on all hands, how can we amend our laws and our jury ss tem to afford protection to life and proven I any more such broad farces as the recent murder trial? Frank Pixley, in the Argonaut, makes some very sensible remarks: "f the jury system can not be abolished altogether and banished from the system of jurisprudence to which it is now become a cum bersome and useless clog; if in its place there can not be substituted the better arrangement of trial by judges in banc, a majority of whom shall decide all questions of law and fact, there ma' certainly be certain amendments to the ex isting: laws that will work great reforms. The first to suggest itself is to eliminate from the present law that most stupid and insensate provision which demands that none but the ignorant shall sit in trial. Have you read the papers?' 'Have you heard of this case?' 'Have you any information regard ing it?' 'Have vou formed or expressed an opinion concern ng it?' 'Are you an intelligent and well-informed man, and do you keep yourself posted on current events?' Do you form your opinion upon facts as you understand them, from un sworn and ex parte information?' lf you do,' says the judge, 'you may stand aside.' 'Are you an idiot or dunderhead, an unthink ing, an unrcading, unintelligent ass? 'Then,' says the judge, 'Mr. Sheriff 3-011 will swear this juror.' Swear him to try cases upon which hang proper 13', life, liberty, and involving the fundamental princi ples upon which the government reposes." The tests for jurors as above set forth are not a particle over-stated or exaggerated. Hon esty and intelligence are practi cal' disqualifications for a juror. Dishonest3', ignorance and stupid ity are absolutely necessary for a modern juror, especial!' in murder trials. This abuse of the jur3' system can only favor the guilty. If an innocent man is on trial for an alleged crime he wants the most intelligent jury possible. He wants men capable of sifting evidence, reading character, of reasoning about probable motives and from cause to effect. Innocence is best protected by shrewdly honest and intelligent jurors. A guilty party, however, wants a stupid lot of dolts who can be bamboozled into be lieving anything by his attorney. Let us then have intelligence as one of the qualifications for a juror, and let a vote of ten out of twelve convict in criminal cases, subject, of course, to review by courts of appeal. SI'JIIXti. WlirMi 1 am weftrv and the solilt fiuss. Spent with life's straggle and too dull for prayer. One haen of delight b -till mine own. All unnssilletl hy care. In that dear realm the fancy wanders free, And drinks uiiMillied Joy at every well : Jlv vcars are lost in the eternal youth 0' thy Nweot .spell. Too old for Innocence, too ouii" for rest. My troubled spirit wanders to thy feet. Beloved Spring ! with ever new delight. I feel thy heart's .strong bent. For eer new the radiance f thy smile. Thy tender waking out of sleep, how new ! All else is changing that is not changed. But thou reinaiucst true. Ilreathe on my check for brent h Hint Death hath staid. And kiss my lips forlipsthai are 110 more. Or bring the fragrance of undying Spring From Uenven's fur shore. And if in Minless cities' haunts I trav. And lose thy birds and Mowers this grace .sill brlug TJmt .somewhere I inav know Hum art on Earth. Tlmt some see spring ! BKAITY SLKr.rs. Itehold a snow-white III Mraiuled Upon the shore of sleep ! The gold Of tresses streaming oer creamy lace. Fair dimpled hands that tenderly enfold The I vorv image of a cnuid dark face. Lips j lelding sweets the pictured face de manded. The crescent lids on cheeks of roses pret. A thoughtful brow like icarly shell up borne. The undulation of her gentle breast Like snow the kisses of the wind has worn To Hues of beauty that a (Sod commanded. Swift smiles, the signals of her happy d reams : Drift o'er her mouth like softly dipping sails That stir tue quiet of bright I niliau streams. Her breath the airof those enchanted vale. Where spiced fruits and scented woods are landed. One tiny foot like baby rabbit shpt From snowy covert, and Hie curved arm Veined like the violet a wild bee sips Takes captive sense with a resistless charm. Nay. all the Ioo and Uraces are disbanded. Springfield KciHihllcnu. SAX FRANCISCO CLOTHING STORE. aisiiiiii3iBCiasxEBissintt:!saiiiiiiaiiiEiiiiiiuiiiBsiiiiisiiiiHiiiiiii8itiiiiii I THE. NEWS! I WELCOME TO ALL ! THE FISHING SEASON HAS OPENED AND SO HAS THE POPULAR SAN FRANCISCO I CLOTHING STORE j BUSINESS CARDS. I Q. A. BOWLBY. ATTORNEY AT LAW. Cheuamus Street. - ASTORIA. OREGOIi r w. Fuiroar, ATTORNEY AT LAW, ASTORIA - OREGON Office over Page & Allen's store, Cass street T TV. ItOBB, ATTORNEY AT LAW, ASTORH. .... OREGON Office over AVarren & Eaton's Astoria Mar ket, opposite the Occident Hotel. ; Opened the largest and best : selected stock of CLOTHING AND- THB SAUSAGE SECRET. And the Value Put Upon It by an Expert San Francisco Chronicle, Will. Lutlwig Lutz, a rotund German, brought suit yesterday in Justice Pennie's court against Ch Bill, who runs a sausage factory on Sixth street, for ?7 50, as due remunera tion for imparting a peculiar secret in the manufacture of the hetero geneous luxury. Lutz claimed $5 a da' for divulging the process, and claimed to have labored a day and a half in doing so. "What kind of sausages were they?" inquired counsel. The answer was composed of chopped-up, irreproducibic sylla bles. "What were the' made of?' in sisted the attorney. "JJond you times 1 geel avay inein pcezness? Oh, no!"' was the satirical reply. "Cats and dogs, eh?" ironically suggested the opposition. "Kats unt togs! Oh, my!" ejac ulated witness, holding up his hands in hob horror. The question was objected to as irrelevant, and the process still re mains a mystery. As it turned out, however, that Lutz had only worked a couple of hours out of the day and a half claimed, and his wife had got two weeks' free board in Bill's family, his Honor found for defendant. dents Furnishing Goods, BOOTS AND SHOES, TRUNKS AND VALISES, HATS AND CAPS, ip C. HOIiIEX.I NOTARY PUBLIC, AUCTIONEER, COMMISSION AND IN SURANCE AGENT. A VAN DUSEN. NOTARY PUBLIC. ClienamiLs Street, near Occident Hotel, ASTORIA, OREGON. Agent Wells, Fargo & Go. Tj1 P. HICKS, DENTIST, ASTORIA, - - OREGON. Rooms in Allen's building up stairs, cornr of Cavi and Sqeraocqhe .streets. DR 31. O. JKXXIXttS. PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON. Graduate University of Virginia, 1868 Physician to Bay View hospital, Baltimore City. 1S)-TO. Office In Fage & Allen's building, up stairs. Astoria. -AND THE BEST- CARTER'S CAPE AN1ST RUBBER BOOTS, ETC., VniCII WILL 1SE SOLD AT SAN PKANCISCO WHOLESALE TRICES. REMEMBER THIS IS NO HUMBUG. JIAVING MADE ARRANGEMENTS IN NEW YORK AND SAN FRAN CISCO FOR TUE PURCHASE OF ALL MY GOODS, MY FACILITIES FOR BUYING ARE SUCH AS TO ENABLE ME TO Undersell all Others. I Defy Competition. TAY TUTTJiE, M. 1. PHYSICIAN AND-SURGEON. Office Over the White House Store. Residence Next door to Mrs. Mnrwou's boarding house, Chenamus street, Astori Oregon. T C. ORCHARD, DENTIST, Dental Itooms. SHUdTER'a Photograph Ruildin; r. T A. MoIXTOSII. MERCHANT TAILOR, Occident Hotel Building, ASTORIA - - - OREGON Q II. BAIIY & CO., DEALER IN Doors, Windows, ISIiads, Trail soms, iumb?r. Etc. All kinds of Oak Lumber, Glass, Boat Ma terial, etc. Steam Mill near Weston hotel. Cor. GeD evive and Astor streets. J G. FAIRFOWL & SON, STEVEDORES AHO RIGGERS Portland and Astoria, Oregon. Refor by permission to Rogers. Meyers iCe, Allen & Lewis.Corbitt JkMacleay, Portland. Oreson. Horse tftliientlon. Peruvian Hitter. A True Story. We knew it was moan, but we could n't holp it. A friend dropped into our sanctum with a small paper sack full of fresh roasted pen-nuts. We have a fondness for frosh roasted pea nuts, and eyed the sack it v. as too small for both of us so we handed out the following story for our friend to peruse: "Two suakoa, one a black runner, the other a black viper, eacii about three feet long, were in the swamp back of the west Maryland depot, at Mcchauicfitown, in the fol lowing predicament. The black snake had caught and began swallowing, tail first, the viper; the viper retaliating, curved around and began to swallow the runner, tail first, and when found each had swallowed the other up to the head, there being nothing but two heads projecting from the mouth of the other." Our friend be gan to calculate how it was done, aud finally came to the same conclusion which prompted Bill .Nye to remark that the names of some of the most celebrated liars which history has ever known have been handed down to us, but the author of the above snake story is unknown. He said nary a word however, but walked off thought fully; a sadder and wisor man, when he discovered that wc had swallowed all the pea-nuts. Lawyers briefs printed in fine style, at The Astoria office. Cinchona Rubra ' The Count Cinclion was the Spanish Viceroy in Peru in UM. The Counters, his wife, was prostrated bj- an intermit tent fever, from whirh she was freed by the um? of the native remedy, the Peru vian hark. or. as it was called in the language of the country, 'Quinquina."' Grateful for her recovery, on her return to EurojH' in iree, she introduced the remedy in Spain, where it was known under various names, until Limueus called it Cinchona, in honor of the lady who had brought them that which was more precious than the gold of the Incas. To this day. after a lapse of two hun dred and fifty years, science has siven us nothing to take its place. It effectu allv cures a morbid anuetite for stimu lants, by restoring the natural tone of the stomach, it attacks excessive love of liquor as it does a fever, and destroys both alike. The powerful tonic virtue of the Cinchona is preserved in the Peruvian Hitters, which are as effective against malarial fever to-day as they were in the days of the old Spanish Yicerovs. We guarantee the ingredi ents of these bitters to be absolutely mire, and of the best known quality. A trial will satisfy you that this is the best bitter in the world. -'The proof of the pudding is in the eating." and we willingly abide this test. For sale by all druggists, grocers and liquor dealers. Order it. Facts and Figures ! GREAT SURPRISE AT THE San Francisco Store! yty WM. UIH.EXIIART. Occident Hotel Hair Dressing Saloon ASTORIA - OREGON. Hot, fold. Shower, Steam and Sulphur c, BATHS. 5?SpecIal attention given toladies'and i hildren's hair cutting. Private Entrance -for Ladies. WIIXIA31 FBI, PRACTICAL BOOT AM) SHOE MAKER. Chexasius Stkeet, opposite Adlert Book store, - Astoria, Oregon. ESTerfect fits guaranteed. All work warranted. Give me a trial. All orders promptly filled. Am In something written we have an indistinct recollection of having made reference to a general disposition among boys in their teens, as well as boys of iiiaturer years, to enlighten and bless the world with their pro found knowledge of the horse aud his histori. Our books and newspapers are full of this kind of literature, and it varies in style from the production of the child at school, commencing with: The horse has ftur k-gs and a tail; up to the eloquent tribute of the scholar when he quotes from Jeb: That his neck is clothed with thunder and the glory of his nostrils is terrible. He smclleth the battle afar off, the thunder of the captains and the shouting. Between these two extremes- of the child at his first school composition, and the professional literature, we have ever'' grade of pre tention, and each professing to have mastered the whole subject. As wo approach the close of this nineteenth century, we begin to look for some- thinEr better in this department of knowledge from those who assume to instruct." And it is to be found in Kendalls Treatise on the horse, sent by mail to any person for twenty-five cents, postage paid. Apply to The Astoriax office, or address D. G. Ire land, Astoria, Oregon. HERE ARE PRICES OF GOODS THAT- WILL SURPRISE ALL. CLOTHING DEPARTMENT. Premature Iohh of Ilnir Nowadays may be entirely prevented by the use of llurnett's Cocoaine. It has been used in thousands of cases where the hair was coming out iH haud fuls, and has never failed to arrest its decay: it promotes a healthy and vigor ous growth, and it is at the same time unrivalled as a soft and glossy dressing for the hair. Uurnett's flavoring extracts are the best, strongest and most healthful. Sold everywhere; Have "Wistar's balsam of wild cherry always at hand. It cures coughs, colds, bronchitis, whooping cough, croup, in fluenza, consumption, aud all throat and lung complaints. 50 cents and$l a bottle. MENS AND BOYS CAS1MERE SUIT FROM- EXTRA BEST SUITS FINE BLACK SDITS DIAGONAL SUITS CASDIERE PANTS EXTRA BEST PANTS " BOYS SUITS. ALL SORTS, FROit ..$ 8 00 ... 12 00. ... IS 00 .- 15 00 .-2 50 . 4 00 ... G 00 TO 15 00 " 20 00 " 25 00 " 22 00 " 4 00 " 5 50 " 12 00 FUENISHING GOODS. 60 20 90 OVERALLS FROM JUMPERS " ALL WOOL SOCKS CHECKER SOCKS. SIX PAIR FOR COTTON SOUKS, THREE PAIR FOR WHITE SHIRTS FROM COLORED ' :t 75 CASDIERE" " SI 50 FLANNEL u - 1 00 BLUE NAVY - 2 00 FLANNEL UNDERSHIRTS AND DRAWERS FROM 1 25 COTTON FLANNEL SHIRTS AND DRAWERS CO MARINO SHIRTS AND DRAWERS 50 60 CTS. TO SI 00 W. U M'CABK, Astoria. .T. A. BBOWN Portland. BROWX & McCABE, STEVEDORES AND RIGGERS. Astoria officeAt E. C. Holden's Auction store. Portland offlce24 B street. 13-tt Music Lessons. T. F. CULLEN and C. E. BARNES TEACHERS OF VIOLIN, PIANO, GUITAR, COR NET AND BANJO, Would like a few pupils en either of the above instruments. Terms Eight lessons for live dollars. ES-Orders left at Stevens & Sons book store will be promptly attended to- 1 IK) 25 1 00 25 1 75 1 50 3 00 1 75 2 50 2 25 OIL CLOTHING. A cousli, cold or sore throat should be stopped. Neglect frequently results in an incurauie lung urease or consump tion. Brown's Bronchial troches do not disorder the stomach like cough syrups and balsams, but act directly on the in flamed parts, allaying irritation, give relief in asthma, bronchitis, coughs. catarrh, and the throat troubles which singers and public speakers are subject years urown s oroncniai troches have been recommended by physicians, and always give perfect satisfaction. Having been tested by wide and constant use for nearly an en tire generation, they have attained well merited rank among the few staple remedies of the age. Sold at 25 cents a box everywhere. -Never go shopping without con suiting the advertising columns of The Astoriax. They will tell you where the best bargains are to be had, and just what merchants are alive and doing business. LONG OIL COATS FROM - S3 50 OIL JUMPERS u - 2 75 TO 4 50 3 00 BOOTS AND SHOES. ;mens calf boots from $3 co .MENS KIP BOOTS - 2 75 ELASTIC GAITERS " 1 75 BUCKLE SHOES - 2 25 MENS SLIPPERS :. 50 BOYS BOOTS k 125 TO 4 50 4 00 250 35 1 00 1 75 To-Xifjht. To-Night. GRAND BALL. AT MUSIC HALL, THIS EVENING. dealer In FAMIT.Y OXtOCEKIES, NAFLS, IWIfcr. FEED AISB HAY Cash paid for country produce. Small profits on cash sales. Astoria, Oregon, cor ner of Main and Squemocahe streets. OPILES. The underslgued is prepared to furnish a large number of Spiles and Spars at his place on short notice, at reasonable rates. Apply to C.G.CAPLES, Columbia City I. W. CASE, IMPOKTEK AND WHOLESALE AND RE TAIL DEALER IN GENERAL MERCHANDISE I HAVE THIS SPRING STRAINED EVERY NERVE AND USED MY ENTIRE ENERGY AND BEST JUDGMENT IN PLACING IN OUR AS TORIA HOUSE THE LARGEST AND MOST COMPLETE ASSORTMENT OF THE ABOVE LINE OF GOODS. CALL AND INSPECT FOR YOURSELF. YOU ARE WELCOME. I "SYILL GLADLY SHOW 31 Y GOODS, NO MATTER WHETHER YOU BUY OR NOT. NEW GOODS BY EVERY STEAMER. S. DANZIGER. San Francisco Store. Squemocqhe street, uext door to Pase '& Allen's store, north of Walla-walla itestaurant, Astoria Oregon. Corner Chenamus and Cass streets. ASTORIA - - - OREGON. Wm. Houseman oi Portland BEGS LEAVE TO NOTIFY HIS friends and customers that he ha3 opened A FISHERMAN'S CLOTHING AND FURNISHING GOODS STORE Next to G. W. Hume's grocery store. F. HOUSEMAN, Ajeat