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About The Daily Astorian. (Astoria, Or.) 1876-1883 | View Entire Issue (April 26, 1881)
Astoria, Oregon, Tuesday Morning, April 26, 1881.
..im $ 1
MAD ME .
HORNET IN TH3 CHARACTER
OP MARK TWAIN.
BILL NYE OF THE DOOM Eli ANG
GOES FOll DUKE DEllcCAFFEUTY.
A PLEA FAVOKAI1LK TO PULLMAN'S
CONDUCTORS AS A CLASS.
A few days since the telegraph
announced the fact that five dogs
were killed in Jersey city within
three hours of each other, and that
three children were bitten in
perusing- our exchanges yesterday
we found that Bill Nye of the
Boomerang was as mad as a
hornet. Hornet it appears,
The Hou. c!iame Ilorni-I.
Had a very unpleasant experi
ence lately. Mark Twain was ad
vertised to lecture in the town of
Glochester, hut for some reason
failed to get around. In the
emergency the lecture committee
decided to employ Mr. Hornet to
deliver his celebrated lecture on
temperance, but so late in the day
was this arrangement made, that
no bills announcing it could be
circulated, and the audience as
sembled expecting to listen to the
celebrated innocent. Nobody in
the town knew Matk, or had ever
heard him lecture, and they had
got the notion that he was funny
and went to the lecture prepared
to laugh. Even those on the plat
form, except the chairman, did not
know Mr. Hornet from Mark
Twain and so when he was intro
duced, thought nothing of the
name, as they knew
.Mark Twain via a om ! I'liiuir.
And supposed his real name was
Hornet. The announcement is
thus teld: Mr. Hornet first re
marked: "Intemperance is the
curse of the country.1' The audi
ence burst into a merry laugh. He
knew it could not be at his remark
and thought his clothes must be
awry, and he asked the chairman
in a whisper if he was all right,
and got ''yes" for answer. He
couldn't understand It, but went
on. "It breaks up happy homes!"
still louder mirth. "It is carry
ing young men down to death and
hell!" a perfect roar and applause.
Mr. Hornet began to get excited.
He thought they were guying him,
but he proceeded "we must
crush the serpent!" a tremendous
howl of laughter. Hornet couldn't
stand it. "What 1 am saying is
gospel truth!" he cried. The au
dience fairly bellowed with mirth.
To u Man on the Slnse
And said: "Do 3'ou see airything
very ridiculous in my remarks or
behavior?" "Yes, ha ha, it's in
tensely funny ha ha ha! Go on!"
cried the roaring man. "This is
an insult!" cried Hornet, dancing
wildly about, More laughter and
cries of "Go on, Twain!" And
then the chairman rct the idea of
the thing, and rose up and ex
plained the situation, and the men
on the stage suddenly quit laugh
ing blushed very red, and the
folks in the audience looked at
each other in a mighty sheepish
way, and they quit laughing too.
And then Mr. Hornet, himself
become thoroughly mad, and very
plainly told them he had never
before got into a town so en
tirely populated by asses and
idiots, and having said that, he left
the hall. But we were cominjr to
The Kill Xjc Story.
And give it in his words, from the
Boomerang. Bill says: A fine
haired, pink cambric cuss, with
the rich, Castillian name of Mc
Cafferty, has been over tile Union
Pacific railroad recently, and he
didn't find things so nice as he had
been accustome'd to. He pours
out his woes in the Omaha Bee,
and says that the employes of the
road are not gentlemen, and eat
with their hats on, and was very
mad indeed. Probably Mr. Mc
Cafferty was never away from
home before. No doubt his moth
er don't know he is out. He says
that "none but gentlemen should
have charge of passenger trains."
That is true in some cases. If the
taaveling public averaged up as
well as we do when we travel,
then none but gentlemen should
have charge of passenger trains,
but when the company kindly offer
to ship a car
Load or lloss In a Pullman Car,
There ought to be a Texas drover
with a prod-pole to take charge of
it The Count D'McCaucrty don't
want to sit at the table with a con
ductor who eats with his hat on.
Well, ding burst it; the conductors
didn't used to cat with their hats
on, anyway, until the tourists got
to stealing the hats of train men
and the latter had to protect them
selves some way. A conductor
isn't able lo buy a plug hat every
trip, and then have it stolen by
A Snoozrr I'rotu ..ow .Jrr-rj.
Course not. Their salaries are
not large enough. We are acquaint
ed with many of the employes of
this rond, and they sre gentlemen.
If there is an employe on the
Our Jury System.
road who isn't a gentleman, and
the Duke Dc McCafierty will let
us know who he is, we will dis
charge him, we don't care if its
the resident of the road. There
are lots of men who travel, and
who are lik Mr. McCafferty.
HoiTI ISmr much ai name.
And when they travel they want
to make up for the starvation they
will have to endure when the' get
back. As a rule, when a man
wants the porter to come and tuck
him into bed every night, and fan
him, and lull him to sleep with
some plaintive melody, -ou can
bet that that man, when he is at
home, sleeps in a hay mow with a
cellar door over him. If he com
plains about the food and
rars::t the Waiters
It is safe io say that when he is
clustered around his own festive
board, he fills himself up with
bailed hay and bran mash, and
wipes his nose on the table cloth.
You ought to see us when we
travel. We are wreathed in
smiles all the time, no matter
what happens. We buy every
thing that the news agent has to
sell, green apples, worms, every
We Xcwr Itephie a Some Do.
We break forth into melodious
song sometimes, and then the peo
ple go forward into the smoking
car, or madly throw themselves
lrom the moving tram, it is
always best to be chipper and gay
when you travel. If a fellow-pas
senger snores loudly and disturbs
you, go and bang him across the
snoot with a valise, laughing mer
rily all the time.
Don't Murmur and Complain,
And make everybody wretched
and unhappy, nor rush madly into
print, but go and soak your head
and reduce the swelling, and have
some little degree of sense. That's
the safe way to do. Don't give
yourself dead away, as Stewart's
bod' did; but keep still and sec
how other people behave, and try
to learn all 3011 can, so that some
day you will have the requisite
ability to whack a bull team at $30
Shii Jos-e Mercury.
The recent tria! of Xalloch, the
previous trials of Schroeder and
Haskell, have brought our boasted
jury system into disrepute among
thinking people. The question is
asked on all hands, how can we
amend our laws and our jury ss
tem to afford protection to life and
proven I any more such broad
farces as the recent murder trial?
Frank Pixley, in the Argonaut,
makes some very sensible remarks:
"f the jury system can not be
abolished altogether and banished
from the system of jurisprudence
to which it is now become a cum
bersome and useless clog; if in its
place there can not be substituted
the better arrangement of trial by
judges in banc, a majority of
whom shall decide all questions of
law and fact, there ma' certainly
be certain amendments to the ex
isting: laws that will work great
reforms. The first to suggest itself
is to eliminate from the present
law that most stupid and insensate
provision which demands that none
but the ignorant shall sit in trial.
Have you read the papers?'
'Have you heard of this case?'
'Have you any information regard
ing it?' 'Have vou formed or
expressed an opinion concern
ng it?' 'Are you an intelligent
and well-informed man, and
do you keep yourself posted
on current events?' Do you
form your opinion upon facts as
you understand them, from un
sworn and ex parte information?'
lf you do,' says the judge, 'you
may stand aside.' 'Are you an
idiot or dunderhead, an unthink
ing, an unrcading, unintelligent
ass? 'Then,' says the judge, 'Mr.
Sheriff 3-011 will swear this juror.'
Swear him to try cases upon which
hang proper 13', life, liberty, and
involving the fundamental princi
ples upon which the government
reposes." The tests for jurors as
above set forth are not a particle
over-stated or exaggerated. Hon
esty and intelligence are practi
cal' disqualifications for a juror.
Dishonest3', ignorance and stupid
ity are absolutely necessary for a
modern juror, especial!' in murder
trials. This abuse of the jur3'
system can only favor the guilty.
If an innocent man is on trial for
an alleged crime he wants the most
intelligent jury possible. He wants
men capable of sifting evidence,
reading character, of reasoning
about probable motives and from
cause to effect. Innocence is best
protected by shrewdly honest and
intelligent jurors. A guilty party,
however, wants a stupid lot of dolts
who can be bamboozled into be
lieving anything by his attorney.
Let us then have intelligence as
one of the qualifications for a juror,
and let a vote of ten out of twelve
convict in criminal cases, subject,
of course, to review by courts of
WlirMi 1 am weftrv and the solilt fiuss.
Spent with life's straggle and too dull for
One haen of delight b -till mine own.
All unnssilletl hy care.
In that dear realm the fancy wanders free,
And drinks uiiMillied Joy at every well :
Jlv vcars are lost in the eternal youth
0' thy Nweot .spell.
Too old for Innocence, too ouii" for rest.
My troubled spirit wanders to thy feet.
Beloved Spring ! with ever new delight.
I feel thy heart's .strong bent.
For eer new the radiance f thy smile.
Thy tender waking out of sleep, how new !
All else is changing that is not changed.
But thou reinaiucst true.
Ilreathe on my check for brent h Hint Death
And kiss my lips forlipsthai are 110 more.
Or bring the fragrance of undying Spring
From Uenven's fur shore.
And if in Minless cities' haunts I trav.
And lose thy birds and Mowers this grace
TJmt .somewhere I inav know Hum art on
Tlmt some see spring !
Itehold a snow-white III Mraiuled
Upon the shore of sleep ! The gold
Of tresses streaming oer creamy lace.
Fair dimpled hands that tenderly enfold
The I vorv image of a cnuid dark face.
Lips j lelding sweets the pictured face de
The crescent lids on cheeks of roses pret.
A thoughtful brow like icarly shell up
borne. The undulation of her gentle breast
Like snow the kisses of the wind has worn
To Hues of beauty that a (Sod commanded.
Swift smiles, the signals of her happy
d reams :
Drift o'er her mouth like softly dipping
That stir tue quiet of bright I niliau streams.
Her breath the airof those enchanted vale.
Where spiced fruits and scented woods are
One tiny foot like baby rabbit shpt
From snowy covert, and Hie curved arm
Veined like the violet a wild bee sips
Takes captive sense with a resistless charm.
Nay. all the Ioo and Uraces are disbanded.
SAX FRANCISCO CLOTHING STORE.
I THE. NEWS! I
WELCOME TO ALL !
THE FISHING SEASON HAS OPENED AND SO HAS THE POPULAR
I CLOTHING STORE j
I Q. A. BOWLBY.
ATTORNEY AT LAW.
Cheuamus Street. - ASTORIA. OREGOIi
r w. Fuiroar,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
ASTORIA - OREGON
Office over Page & Allen's store, Cass street
T TV. ItOBB,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
ASTORH. .... OREGON
Office over AVarren & Eaton's Astoria Mar
ket, opposite the Occident Hotel.
; Opened the largest and best :
selected stock of
THB SAUSAGE SECRET.
And the Value Put Upon It by an
San Francisco Chronicle, Will.
Lutlwig Lutz, a rotund German,
brought suit yesterday in Justice
Pennie's court against Ch Bill, who
runs a sausage factory on Sixth
street, for ?7 50, as due remunera
tion for imparting a peculiar secret
in the manufacture of the hetero
geneous luxury. Lutz claimed $5
a da' for divulging the process,
and claimed to have labored a day
and a half in doing so.
"What kind of sausages were
they?" inquired counsel.
The answer was composed of
chopped-up, irreproducibic sylla
bles. "What were the' made of?' in
sisted the attorney.
"JJond you times 1 geel avay
inein pcezness? Oh, no!"' was the
"Cats and dogs, eh?" ironically
suggested the opposition.
"Kats unt togs! Oh, my!" ejac
ulated witness, holding up his
hands in hob horror.
The question was objected to as
irrelevant, and the process still re
mains a mystery. As it turned
out, however, that Lutz had only
worked a couple of hours out of
the day and a half claimed, and
his wife had got two weeks' free
board in Bill's family, his Honor
found for defendant.
dents Furnishing Goods,
BOOTS AND SHOES,
TRUNKS AND VALISES, HATS AND CAPS,
ip C. HOIiIEX.I
AUCTIONEER, COMMISSION AND IN
A VAN DUSEN.
ClienamiLs Street, near Occident Hotel,
Agent Wells, Fargo & Go.
Tj1 P. HICKS,
ASTORIA, - - OREGON.
Rooms in Allen's building up stairs, cornr
of Cavi and Sqeraocqhe .streets.
31. O. JKXXIXttS.
PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON.
Graduate University of Virginia, 1868
Physician to Bay View hospital, Baltimore
Office In Fage & Allen's building, up
-AND THE BEST-
CARTER'S CAPE AN1ST
RUBBER BOOTS, ETC.,
VniCII WILL 1SE SOLD AT SAN PKANCISCO WHOLESALE TRICES.
REMEMBER THIS IS NO HUMBUG.
JIAVING MADE ARRANGEMENTS IN NEW YORK AND SAN FRAN
CISCO FOR TUE PURCHASE OF ALL MY GOODS, MY
FACILITIES FOR BUYING ARE SUCH
AS TO ENABLE ME TO
Undersell all Others. I Defy Competition.
TAY TUTTJiE, M. 1.
Office Over the White House Store.
Residence Next door to Mrs. Mnrwou's
boarding house, Chenamus street, Astori
T C. ORCHARD,
T A. MoIXTOSII.
Occident Hotel Building,
ASTORIA - - - OREGON
Q II. BAIIY & CO.,
Doors, Windows, ISIiads, Trail
soms, iumb?r. Etc.
All kinds of Oak Lumber, Glass, Boat Ma
Steam Mill near Weston hotel. Cor. GeD
evive and Astor streets.
J G. FAIRFOWL & SON,
STEVEDORES AHO RIGGERS
Portland and Astoria, Oregon.
Refor by permission to Rogers. Meyers iCe,
Allen & Lewis.Corbitt JkMacleay,
A True Story.
We knew it was moan, but we
could n't holp it. A friend dropped
into our sanctum with a small paper
sack full of fresh roasted pen-nuts. We
have a fondness for frosh roasted pea
nuts, and eyed the sack it v. as too
small for both of us so we handed
out the following story for our friend
to peruse: "Two suakoa, one a black
runner, the other a black viper, eacii
about three feet long, were in the
swamp back of the west Maryland
depot, at Mcchauicfitown, in the fol
lowing predicament. The black snake
had caught and began swallowing, tail
first, the viper; the viper retaliating,
curved around and began to swallow
the runner, tail first, and when
found each had swallowed the other
up to the head, there being nothing
but two heads projecting from the
mouth of the other." Our friend be
gan to calculate how it was done, aud
finally came to the same conclusion
which prompted Bill .Nye to remark
that the names of some of the most
celebrated liars which history has ever
known have been handed down to us,
but the author of the above snake
story is unknown. He said nary a
word however, but walked off thought
fully; a sadder and wisor man, when
he discovered that wc had swallowed
all the pea-nuts.
Lawyers briefs printed in fine
style, at The Astoria office.
Cinchona Rubra '
The Count Cinclion was the Spanish
Viceroy in Peru in UM. The Counters,
his wife, was prostrated bj- an intermit
tent fever, from whirh she was freed by
the um? of the native remedy, the Peru
vian hark. or. as it was called in the
language of the country, 'Quinquina."'
Grateful for her recovery, on her return
to EurojH' in iree, she introduced the
remedy in Spain, where it was known
under various names, until Limueus
called it Cinchona, in honor of the lady
who had brought them that which was
more precious than the gold of the Incas.
To this day. after a lapse of two hun
dred and fifty years, science has siven
us nothing to take its place. It effectu
allv cures a morbid anuetite for stimu
lants, by restoring the natural tone of
the stomach, it attacks excessive love
of liquor as it does a fever, and destroys
both alike. The powerful tonic virtue
of the Cinchona is preserved in the
Peruvian Hitters, which are as effective
against malarial fever to-day as they
were in the days of the old Spanish
Yicerovs. We guarantee the ingredi
ents of these bitters to be absolutely
mire, and of the best known quality.
A trial will satisfy you that this is the
best bitter in the world. -'The proof of
the pudding is in the eating." and we
willingly abide this test. For sale by
all druggists, grocers and liquor dealers.
Facts and Figures !
GREAT SURPRISE AT THE
San Francisco Store!
Occident Hotel Hair Dressing Saloon
ASTORIA - OREGON.
Hot, fold. Shower,
Steam and Sulphur c,
5?SpecIal attention given toladies'and
i hildren's hair cutting.
Private Entrance -for Ladies.
BOOT AM) SHOE
Chexasius Stkeet, opposite Adlert Book
store, - Astoria, Oregon.
ESTerfect fits guaranteed. All work
warranted. Give me a trial. All orders
In something written we have an
indistinct recollection of having made
reference to a general disposition
among boys in their teens, as well as
boys of iiiaturer years, to enlighten
and bless the world with their pro
found knowledge of the horse aud his
histori. Our books and newspapers
are full of this kind of literature, and
it varies in style from the production
of the child at school, commencing
with: The horse has ftur k-gs and a
tail; up to the eloquent tribute of the
scholar when he quotes from Jeb: That
his neck is clothed with thunder and
the glory of his nostrils is terrible.
He smclleth the battle afar off, the
thunder of the captains and the
shouting. Between these two extremes-
of the child at his first school
composition, and the professional
literature, we have ever'' grade of pre
tention, and each professing to have
mastered the whole subject. As wo
approach the close of this nineteenth
century, we begin to look for some-
thinEr better in this department of
knowledge from those who assume to
instruct." And it is to be found in
Kendalls Treatise on the horse, sent
by mail to any person for twenty-five
cents, postage paid. Apply to The
Astoriax office, or address D. G. Ire
land, Astoria, Oregon.
HERE ARE PRICES OF GOODS THAT- WILL SURPRISE ALL.
Premature Iohh of Ilnir
Nowadays may be entirely prevented
by the use of llurnett's Cocoaine. It
has been used in thousands of cases
where the hair was coming out iH haud
fuls, and has never failed to arrest its
decay: it promotes a healthy and vigor
ous growth, and it is at the same time
unrivalled as a soft and glossy dressing
for the hair.
Uurnett's flavoring extracts are the
best, strongest and most healthful. Sold
Have "Wistar's balsam of wild cherry
always at hand. It cures coughs, colds,
bronchitis, whooping cough, croup, in
fluenza, consumption, aud all throat and
lung complaints. 50 cents and$l a bottle.
MENS AND BOYS
CAS1MERE SUIT FROM-
EXTRA BEST SUITS
FINE BLACK SDITS
EXTRA BEST PANTS "
BOYS SUITS. ALL SORTS, FROit
..$ 8 00
... 12 00.
... IS 00
.- 15 00
. 4 00
... G 00
TO 15 00
" 20 00
" 25 00
" 22 00
" 4 00
" 5 50
" 12 00
ALL WOOL SOCKS
CHECKER SOCKS. SIX PAIR FOR
COTTON SOUKS, THREE PAIR FOR
WHITE SHIRTS FROM
COLORED ' :t 75
CASDIERE" " SI 50
FLANNEL u - 1 00
BLUE NAVY - 2 00
FLANNEL UNDERSHIRTS AND DRAWERS FROM 1 25
COTTON FLANNEL SHIRTS AND DRAWERS CO
MARINO SHIRTS AND DRAWERS 50
60 CTS. TO SI 00
W. U M'CABK,
.T. A. BBOWN
BROWX & McCABE,
STEVEDORES AND RIGGERS.
Astoria officeAt E. C. Holden's Auction
store. Portland offlce24 B street. 13-tt
T. F. CULLEN and C. E. BARNES
VIOLIN, PIANO, GUITAR, COR
NET AND BANJO,
Would like a few pupils en either of the
Terms Eight lessons for live dollars.
ES-Orders left at Stevens & Sons book
store will be promptly attended to-
A cousli, cold or sore throat should be
stopped. Neglect frequently results in
an incurauie lung urease or consump
tion. Brown's Bronchial troches do not
disorder the stomach like cough syrups
and balsams, but act directly on the in
flamed parts, allaying irritation, give
relief in asthma, bronchitis, coughs.
catarrh, and the throat troubles which
singers and public speakers are subject
years urown s oroncniai
troches have been recommended by
physicians, and always give perfect
satisfaction. Having been tested by
wide and constant use for nearly an en
tire generation, they have attained well
merited rank among the few staple
remedies of the age. Sold at 25 cents a
-Never go shopping without con
suiting the advertising columns of The
Astoriax. They will tell you where
the best bargains are to be had, and just
what merchants are alive and doing
LONG OIL COATS FROM - S3 50
OIL JUMPERS u - 2 75
BOOTS AND SHOES.
;mens calf boots from $3 co
.MENS KIP BOOTS - 2 75
ELASTIC GAITERS " 1 75
BUCKLE SHOES - 2 25
MENS SLIPPERS :. 50
BOYS BOOTS k 125
AT MUSIC HALL,
NAFLS, IWIfcr. FEED AISB HAY
Cash paid for country produce. Small
profits on cash sales. Astoria, Oregon, cor
ner of Main and Squemocahe streets.
The underslgued is prepared to furnish
a large number of Spiles and Spars at his
place on short notice, at reasonable rates.
Apply to C.G.CAPLES,
I. W. CASE,
IMPOKTEK AND WHOLESALE AND RE
TAIL DEALER IN
I HAVE THIS SPRING STRAINED EVERY NERVE AND USED MY
ENTIRE ENERGY AND BEST JUDGMENT IN PLACING IN OUR AS
TORIA HOUSE THE LARGEST AND MOST COMPLETE ASSORTMENT
OF THE ABOVE LINE OF GOODS.
CALL AND INSPECT FOR YOURSELF. YOU ARE WELCOME.
I "SYILL GLADLY SHOW 31 Y GOODS, NO MATTER WHETHER YOU
BUY OR NOT. NEW GOODS BY EVERY STEAMER.
San Francisco Store. Squemocqhe street, uext door to Pase '& Allen's store, north of
Walla-walla itestaurant, Astoria Oregon.
Corner Chenamus and Cass streets.
ASTORIA - - - OREGON.
Wm. Houseman oi Portland
BEGS LEAVE TO NOTIFY HIS friends
and customers that he ha3 opened
A FISHERMAN'S CLOTHING
AND FURNISHING GOODS STORE
Next to G. W. Hume's grocery store.
F. HOUSEMAN, Ajeat