10 A
SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, JULY 1, 2017
Today’s fireworks restrictions take excitment out of having facial hair
Ned
Hickson
First, the good news.
According to the National
Council on Fireworks Safety,
fireworks-related injuries
have dropped by 75 percent
in the last decade. The bad
news, as anyone over the age
of 30 can tell you, is that
today’s fireworks are about as
exciting to watch as a pile of
smoldering pencil shavings.
For example: It used to be
that “sparklers” actually
sparkled. They showered the
air with tiny crackling embers
so bright you could see them
through your eyelids. The
bravest kids would spin them
like propellers, knowing full
well their eyebrows would
grow back by mid summer.
My kids don’t believe me
when I tell them this. That’s
because, each July Fourth,
they are handed “sparklers”
that are basically sticks of
incense that smell like sulfur.
No crackle. No shower of
sparks.
Just a momentary flame as
the paper wick ignites then —
upon reaching its climactic
flash point — fizzles into a
puff of flatulent-smelling
smoke.
Note: In the event you hap-
pen to purchase a defective
sparkler, and find yourself the
unwitting victim of actual
spark-spitting action, DO
CAT holds auditions for ‘Vanya &
Sonia & Masha & Spike’ July 1,2
Class Act Theatre (CAT)
announces open auditions for
the hilarious Christopher
Durang comedy “Vanya &
Sonia & Masha & Spike.”
The auditions will take place
at CAT, 509 Kingwood
Street, on Saturday and
Sunday, July 1 and 2, at 2
p.m.
There are parts for two
men and four women.
One of the male roles is for
Spike, a young “boy toy”
movie star wannabe, and the
other is for Vanya, a middle-
aged or slightly beyond mid-
dle aged curmudgeon.
The female roles include
Nina, a star-struck sweet
young neighbor girl, stage
age 18 to 22; Sonia, a bitter
middle-aged spinster; Masha,
A middle-aged and slightly
past her prime movie star;
and Cassandra, a clairvoyant
housekeeper that can be any
age from young adult to sen-
ior.
All are excellent, fun roles.
“Vanya & Sonia & Masha
& Spike” won a Tony Award
for Best Play and is one of the
most lauded and beloved
Broadway plays in recent
years.
In the play, Vanya and his
adopted sister Sonia live a
quiet life in the farmhouse
where they grew up, but their
peace is disturbed when their
movie star sister Masha
returns unannounced with her
20-something boy-toy Spike.
Housekeeper
Cassandra
inserts bits of psyshic absurd-
ity and sweet young thing
Nina catches Spike’s eye and
disrupts Masha’s plans.
All of this results in a
weekend of rivalry and rau-
cous hilarity.
The production dates for
the show are Sept. 8, 9 and 10
and 15, 16 and 17.
The play will be directed
by David Lauria.
Those auditioning are
encouraged to borrow a script
from CAT by calling 541-
991-3773 or stopping in at
the theater on Mondays or
Wednesdays from noon until
5:30 p.m.
Voice Your Opinion! ———
NOT PANIC. Call the NCFS
hotline immediately so your
rogue sparkler can be safely
deposited in a special, undis-
closed location three miles
beneath the Mojave Desert.
If there’s no time to drive
to the desert because, say, you
live in Michigan, you will be
instructed on how to disarm
the sparkler yourself. This
will mean transporting it to an
unpopulated area and, utiliz-
ing protective gear and the
most extreme caution, dip-
ping it into a glass of water.
Several times if necessary.
Those of you who live in
Alabama or Tennessee have
no idea what I’m talking
about. That’s because you
have real fireworks. The kind
that childhood memories (and
a good portion of our nation’s
first-strike capabilities) are
made of. In addition, the only
real restrictions you have are
as follows:
1) If a skyrocket is longer
than your boat trailer, it must
be flagged during transport.
2) You must, by law,
inform neighbors when using
any fireworks that require a
dynamite plunger.
3) Though there is no limit
to the number of M-80s you
can join together with a single
fuse, the Department of
Homeland Security warns it
can’t be held responsible
should your area, as a precau-
tionary measure, be swept
with heat-seeking missiles.
4) If you have studded
tires, you must remove them.
This has nothing to do with
fireworks; it’s just a friendly
reminder from the folks at the
Highway Department.
And lastly,
5) Any and all skyrockets
capable of leaving southern
air space must be pointed
north.
The fact is, even though I
whine about having wimpy
fireworks here in Oregon, at
least we have them. In
Georgia, they are illegal. This
means watching public fire-
works displays or, as many
Georgians do, going outside
and facing Alabama.
Even though these displays
are beautiful, it’s still not the
same as being knocked
unconscious by a runaway
ground flower.
Being as I lived in Atlanta
for six years, I can tell you
illegal fireworks do make
their way across the Alabama
border.
This, of course, is a huge
problem.
Especially if your boat
trailer isn’t big enough.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
Write to him at nedhickson@
icloud.com
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