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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2016
SIUSLAW OUTREACH SERVICES
Signs of domestic violence
can be observed, and a third party may be able
to intervene.
* A partner who harbors unrealistic
expectations: Experts say that those who engage in
domestic violence are generally perfectionists and
expect those around them to reach unattainable
goals and their own perfection. Violence may
result when things do not go off without a hitch.
* A partner who is controlling: When a person
insists their victim account for all of his or
her time, the relationship may eventually turn
abusive. This behavior generally stems from
feelings of insecurity and poor self-esteem on
the part of the abusive individual, which is then
projected to the partner in terms of abusive words
or distrust.
* Escalating threats: In many cases, domestic
violence begins with verbal assaults that may
develop into physical threats. Whether the abuse
is verbal or physical, it can have profound and
long-lasting effects on the victim. For those who
observe a person continually brow-beating a
spouse or talking badly about him or her, this
may be an indication of an abusive relationship.
* A partner with a noticeable temper:
Sometimes a temper goes hand-in-hand with
domestic violence. An individual with a short
fuse and a propensity for lashing out with
minimal patience in areas outside of his or her
relationship may be equally short-fused in the
relationship.
* A partner who limits access to money,
belongings or the car: You may notice your
friend or family member continually having
to ask permission to use the car or visit with
people. Some friends complain about not
having access to the checkbook or being kept
on a strict budget. While the circumstances do
not always indicate a case of domestic violence,
they may be warning signs that something is
not right.
* Hidden bruises or excuses for injuries:
Michigan State University’s Safe Place indicates
that injuries that are covered up and happen
with some frequency could be a sign of domestic
violence. If someone you know is trying to
downplay frequent injuries, it may be a red flag.
* Conflict avoidance: Usually those who are
in abusive relationships try to avoid conflict and
rarely speak up or voice their own opinions.
* Personality changes: Withdrawal, inability
or not wanting to meet up with friends, loss of
enthusiasm, or any other personality changes may
be indicative of someone that is being abused.
Domestic violence is something that takes
many forms and is often hidden. But there may be
some warning signs that can be observed through
an outside party.
No town is immune, reflections on domestic violence
When I was asked if I would contribute an article
about domestic violence I was sure I could easily prepare
something. And as I thought about it, going over my
thirty-three years in law enforcement several ideas came
to mind. I could write about various stories involving
domestic violence that have stayed with me over the years,
and I could relate some of the very personal issues that
I think about almost every day, as a person, a father, a
husband, boss, and most importantly friend.
You learn early in your police career that some of the
most dangerous and most unpredictable calls involve
domestic violence. That’s because it is left only to the
imagination what people can do to each other, physically
and mentally, that would surprise most people…the real
tragedy is it WOULD NOT surprise people who have
been involved, sometimes in the most minor of ways, but
nonetheless they would only really be shocked by your
ignorance.
Police tactics will always tell you that it is very unsafe to try and deal with a violent situation by
yourself. Often it has been referred to as “tombstone courage” by police trainers and coaches. I have
had this drilled into me by the police departments I have worked for, the police academy, and many
of the police survival seminars I have attended. But when it comes right down to it, in the middle of
the night, when you are first officer at the residence of a domestic violence call, your cover officer is
miles away, and you can hear sounds of a very physical altercation, often one-sided, dynamically and
horrendously happening in front of you, often the tactics go out the window.
The main call that comes to mind is waiting outside of a residence, nothing special - ranch house
in the valley, in a normally quiet neighborhood. I could hear lots of yelling and screaming, both
from a man and a woman inside, as I am standing near the front door, waiting for my cover officer
who is only two minutes away. As I’m waiting and trying to look through the window, I start to
hear body impacts against the inside walls. More screaming and yelling inside as I am giving the
updates on my portable radio. The front door is a decorative three panel door, the kind where all
three panels are inset a bit. Suddenly a woman gets forcefully thrown through the door from the
inside and lands on the front porch. I remember seeing the splintered wood and broken door pieces
covering her and the outside porch area. Her husband, we later found out, comes storming out of
the hole in the door to continue his attack on his wife. He had not observed me there and I was able
to easily grab him and get him in handcuffs without any real problem…mostly because he was so
surprised. The story is chilling but the really sad part to me, as a relatively new officer, was that the
wife would only say that she fell down. She never told me she had been injured by her husband in
any way and did not want to press charges. The husband, very intoxicated, claimed he didn’t know
anything about what had happened. Thru the years I’ve seen this same scenario, to a lesser or greater
extent, replay hundreds of times. Often the event is fueled by alcohol use by at least one of the
people involved. Usually the male half of the fight was the aggressor but not always.
My next very memorable call involved, again, the call of a family dispute, this time at a large
apartment complex. I had a cover officer with me this time and a recruit officer in training. The
apartment was quiet when we arrived and ultimately we knocked on the front door. A very small
slender man answered the door, in only a bathing suit, and asked what he could do for us. I noticed
he was wet from head to toe; his feet were so wet he had left foot prints on the floor leading up to the
front door. I advised him that we had been called to a family dispute at this location. When I began
questioning him, I noticed he started slowly swaying back and forth. As he was trying to answer (he
was also very intoxicated) I saw blood dripping from under his chin to the middle of his chest in big
flowing drops. Two of us reached out to hold him up as he began to lose his balance. We assisted
him to sit down on the sidewalk in front of his apartment door at which time we could see that his
throat was slashed from ear to ear and he began to bleed heavily. Upon interviewing witnesses, we
learned that the victim had been swimming with a female in the pool at the apartment complex. The
man’s girlfriend discovered this, went to the pool, grabbed him out of the water, broke a nearby beer
bottle, and slashed his throat. According to the witness she then told the man to go back inside. In
the end he survived and she went to jail. It took five officers to get her arrested and in the car.
So there are two stories…even though I think of them only on occasion, stories just like these,
and often much worse happen everyday…statistically about every minute of every day in the United
States. No town is immune, no matter how quaint. Every one of these incidents should alarm us,
every one…but they just don’t. First responders, police, fire, and ambulance, will tell you they get
a regular diet of family disputes, resulting in domestic violence calls for service almost everyday.
Larger populated areas will have multiple calls per day. The number of people affected by domestic
violence is almost impossible to calculate; the spouse, partner, child, relative, neighbor etc. could be
affected by a full range of possibilities, from intimidation to homicide.
I don’t have any great answers or advice, but domestic violence cannot ever be kept a secret.
Refusing to acknowledge domestic violence is a huge part of the problem. The psychological and
physical issues are very complex, and people who are involved cannot deal with their problems alone.
To try and give advice using phrases like “you should just leave him” or “never let him/her treat you
that way”, doesn’t even scratch the surface.
The police often become the “protectors” who get called in middle of the night, in the middle of
alcohol fueled fights and arguments. When victims just want the chaos to stop, we are the only hope
that some people have to keep them safe. And once th at momentary stability is established, we need
support service organizations such as Florence SOS to assist that person in gaining a better life.
Tom Turner
Chief, Florence Police Department
Even when abuse doesn’t leave a bruise, it still leaves a mark
There’s a line from
the Chris Farley comedy
“Tommy Boy” that has woven
its way into our cultural ver-
nacular. It comes after his
friend Richard whacks him
with a bat. Before Tommy
passes out, he goes a little
cross-eyed and says matter-
of-factly, “That’s gonna leave
a mark,” then crumples to
the ground. Even before
there’s any bruising or swell-
ing, Tommy already knows
what’s to come. The same
can be said for victims of
domestic violence and physi-
cally abusive relationships; they begin to recognize certain patterns in
behavior and attitude that are precursors to violence. Sometimes that
knowledge can help them defuse a situation; many times it can’t. And
when the violence begins, there’s no stopping what’s to come.
But what about when the abuse doesn’t leave a mark or a bruise?
When the violence doesn’t come from a clenched fist but, instead,
from between clenched teeth in words that berate, belittle and defeat
the victim from the inside. While they may not leave any visible
bruising, the marks left on the victim’s psyche wound just as deeply.
And when children are involved — whether directly or indirectly
— they often carry those marks into their own lives as they come to
define themselves, their choice in friends and how they handle their
future relationships.
As parents, we have a duel responsibility to our children. The first
is to encourage and support them to become their own person by
being a sounding board for their ideas, a confidant for their wishes
and a consistent enforcer of the rules that help guide them. Secondly
— and by that, I only mean the second side of the same coin — we
must be the example of what it means to value, respect and appreciate
those who we say we love.
Notice I said “those who we say we love.” Plenty of abusers profess
their love as well as deep regret after extreme physical and verbal
abuse to those who they say they love. For victims of abuse, this
unpredictability becomes another means of control by their abuser,
who can then dispense feelings of guilt should their victim hesitate to
forgive. In most cases, forgiveness becomes nothing more than a wel-
come, albeit temporary, reprieve in an endless cycle of abuse.
For children, seeing this sends a dangerous mixed message: Love
goes hand-in-hand with violence, indifference and the need to domi-
nate or control those who you say you love.
That’s why our second responsibility as parents — being an exam-
ple of what it means to value, respect and appreciate those who we
say we love — is anything but secondary. It means not just saying the
right words, but also showing that we care by demonstrating our sup-
port and commitment to those we say we love through our actions —
none of which should ever include verbal or physical violence.
Doing that is the only way to truly leave the kind of mark that will
end the cycle of abuse.
Ned Hickson
Domestic Violence In Oregon – 2015
A total of 60 people – victims and perpetrators – lost their lives
in 2015. The highest number of domestic violence fatalities occurred
in Lane and Multnomah counties with 8 in each. This is a statistic
we should pay attention to because Multnomah County has well over
double the population of Lane County. Even worse, the Florence area
has only about 5% of the population in Lane County but had 25%
of the fatalities with two. The statistics also show that, statewide, the
month of December accounts for more than double the average num-
ber of fatal incidents.
Last year Siuslaw Outreach Services provided advocacy to 157
victims of domestic violence and 27 victims of sexual assault. Any
number is too high, but in a community of our size these numbers
are startling. We also provided 1086 shelter nights in our safe house
or other emergency shelter. We responded to 21 after-hours calls
from police and 7 from the hospital. The majority of these calls were
to provide advocacy to victims. We work very closely with all law
enforcement agencies and the hospital and advocates are available
around the clock.
Once per year we are asked to submit a one day account of activ-
ity. On September 14th, 2016, we provided advocacy service to 9
women survivors of domestic violence (with 10 children), emergency
shelter to 2 women and 5 children, and we handled 6 domestic vio-
lence-related phone calls.
We also have formal agreements to work collaboratively with
Womenspace, Sexual Assault Support Services, and KidsFirst in
Eugene. These allow victims to have local advocates as well as sup-
port from these other organizations when appropriate. KidsFirst pro-
vides forensic interviewing, advocacy, and medical services to victims
of child abuse.
How Can I Help?
One of the biggest barriers to stopping domestic violence is the
lack of awareness about it. Many people find it uncomfortable to
discuss or difficult to report, but it is a community problem that
requires community involvement. Join with us and the Siuslaw High
School Cheerleaders for our annual October Domestic Violence
Awareness Month march on Bay Street to promote awareness:
SUNDAY OCTOBER 2nd 2016 VETERANS MEMORIAL ON BAY
STREET 12:45 P.M.
(March begins promptly at 1:00 p.m.)
Siuslaw Outreach Services • 541-997-2816 • 1576 West 12th Street, Florence
October is Domestic Violence
Awareness Month
Come march with SOS
End Domestic Violence
Sunday October 2 nd
Gather by 12:45 p.m. at the
Veterans Memorial on Bay Street
march begins promptly at 1:00 p.m.
and continues through downtown Florence
CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK
Domestic violence is a problem that can
affect anyone at anytime. Considering victims
are usually frightened by their abusers, they often
suffer in silence.
The Domestic Violence Resource Center says
that 1 in 4 women has experienced domestic
violence in her lifetime. Estimates range from
960,000 incidents of violence against a current
or former spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend to 3
million women who are physically abused by
their husbands or boyfriends per year. Men can
also be victims of domestic violence at the hands
of their female partners, and abuse can occur
between same-sex couples as well. However, the
Bureau of Justice Statistics indicates that women
ages 20-24 are at the greatest risk of nonfatal
intimate partner violence.
Domestic violence comes in many forms,
including physical, emotional and verbal abuse.
Many victims of domestic violence are battered
into secrecy or are embarrassed that they are
being abused and do not share their experiences
with others. Others might not even realize that
what they are experiencing constitutes abuse. But
there are some signs of domestic violence that