SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JULY 27, 2016
9 A
Our brains are getting bigger? That’s just, um... swell?
As if we didn’t have
enough to worry about right
now, according to a report in
the journal Science, the
human brain is getting bigger.
In fact, from what I under-
stand (based on my in-depth
analysis of a five-word head-
line in the New York Times),
there’s a good chance yours
may be outgrowing your skull
right now.
Signs this may be occur-
ring include: vomiting, nau-
sea, dizziness, frequent
headaches and bleeding from
the ears. If you suffer from
any or all of these symptoms,
medication for acid reflux.
Before we go on, I should,
as a responsible journalist,
take a moment and actually
read the article. In the mean-
time, I’d suggest applying
equal amounts of pressure to
both sides of your head, just
to be safe.
... Sorry, false alarm!
After reading the article it
has become clear the threat of
spontaneous brain enlarge-
ment is actually very slim. In
fact, the only documented
case appeared in the National
Enquirer, which reported that
a young boy’s head sponta-
neously grew three times its
normal size during the
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dren could end up looking
like one of those bigheaded
aliens from a ‘50s science fic-
tion movie. True, this could
happen anyway — possibly
even in my own lifetime — if
I don’t meticulously screen
each one of my children’s
potential spouses. However,
assuming neither my sons nor
daughters marries anyone
whose head fits snugly into a
standard tractor inner tube,
there’s still the matter of
future generations to worry
about.
Biologists tell us that any
“improvement” in the human
anatomy is the direct result of
evolution’s attempt to meet
the changing needs of
mankind.
For example: Our oppos-
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Amazingly, 9-year-old
Reggie Sims survived the
incident and now lives in
Southern California, where
his oversized head goes virtu-
ally unnoticed. But for those
of us living outside the Los
Angeles basin, spontaneous
head swelling remains
extremely rare.
However, researchers say
the human brain is getting
larger, albeit very slowly,
through a process of evolu-
tion. At first, larger brains
sounded like a good idea
since bigger brains means a
smarter gene pool, hence
leading us toward a Utopian
society.
The down side is that our
great-great-great grandchil-
Dr. John Bachmann
and his certified Veterinary
Technician Elizabeth
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1739 West 22nd Street, Florence
able thumbs. This uniquely
human trait distinguishes us
from other primates, most
notably through our ability to
go bowling.
Following that line of
thought, larger brains are like-
ly the result of our need as a
species to absorb and process
more information at a
younger age. This was evi-
dent the other night, when a
friend’s 4-year-old son
whipped my behind playing
Madden NFL 17 on his Play
Station 3.
He cannot read.
He cannot understand the
tactical decision making
required for offensive line
formations.
He doesn’t even know how
many yards it takes for a first
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com)
Verizon backpack giveaway
Deserving young students
in Florence will soon benefit
from a national backpack give-
away campaign.
TCC, the largest Verizon
Authorized Retailer in the
U.S., has announced A
Wireless is partnering with the
company and its Culture of
Good to donate 235,000 back-
packs full of school supplies to
children through TCC’s annual
School Rocks Backpack
Giveaway.
Since 2013, TCC has donat-
Relay For Life of Florence
“Lights! Camera! Cure!”
Here’s your 2016 h eme Schedule:
1:00 PM
h emed Lap - Movie: Purple Rain
What To Wear: Anything Purple
2:00 PM
h emed Lap - Movie: Hawaii Five-O
What To Wear: Hawaiian attire
3:00 PM
h emed Lap - Movie: Great Gatsby
What To Wear: 1920’s attire
4:00 PM
h emed Lap - Movie: Grease
What To Wear: 1950’s attire
5:00 PM
h emed Lap - Movie: All Disney
What To Wear: Any Character from a
Disney Movie
6:00 PM
h emed Lap - Movie: Independence Day
What To Wear: Red, White, and Blue
7:00 PM
h emed Lap - Movie: Pretty in Pink
What To Wear: anything pink or 80’s
8:00 PM
h emed Lap - Movie: Outlander
What To Wear: Scottish Highlander or
British Soldiers Attire
11:00 PM
h emed Lap - Movie: Saturday Night
Fever
What To Wear: 1970’s Disco
Midnight
h emed Lap - Movie: Pillow Talk (1959)
What To Wear: Walk with your Pillow
1:00 AM
h emed Lap - Movie: Wizard of Oz
What To Wear: Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin
Man, Lion, Munchkin, Glenda, etc.
2:00 AM
h emed Lap - Movie: Pirates of the Carib-
bean
What To Wear: Pirate Attire
3:00 AM
h emed Lap - Movie: Lord of the Rings
What To Wear: Wizard, Elf, Hobbit,
Dwarf, Orc, Troll, or Aragorn Attire
4:00 AM
h emed Lap - Movie: Gone With h e
Wind
What To Wear: 1860’s American South
Attire
5:00 AM
h emed Lap - Movie: Superman
What To Wear: Superhero Costumes
6:00 AM
h emed Lap - Movie: Pajama Party (Doris
Day)
What To Wear: Pajamas and Snuggies
7:00 AM
h emed Lap - Movie: Cat In h e Hat
What To Wear: Striped hats & bow tie
8:00 AM
h emed Lap - Movie: Bring it On
What To Wear: Cheerleader Outi ts, Pom
Poms, etc.
down.
Yet he can complete a Hail
Mary pass and run a bootleg
while I — with my larger and
ultimately superior opposable
thumbs — push buttons and
move toggles as my defensive
line is left picking grass from
its teeth.
I can’t say for sure if this
has any connection to the
evolutionary process. But if
his head gets any bigger, I
swear:
He’s moving to California.
( Ned is a syndicated columnist
ed more than 360,000 back-
packs filled with supplies to
ensure children are well pre-
pared for the start of the school
year.
“Every year, TCC employ-
ees and communities around
the country look forward to the
backpack giveaway,” said
Scott Moorehead, CEO of
TCC. “It brings our employees
immense joy to give back to
the young children in their
communities, and we are
proud to put so many smiles
on the faces of the deserving
families who have made this
annual event such a success.”
More than 1,300 participat-
ing TCC and A Wireless stores
across the U.S. are inviting
local families and their chil-
dren to visit select locations on
Saturday, July 30, between
noon and 3 p.m., to pick up a
backpack filled with various
school supplies, including
pencils, paper, a pencil box,
folders and glue. One back-
pack per child present will be
given away on a first-come,
first-served basis while sup-
plies last.
The participating TCC store
in Florence is at 2775
Highway 101, Suite D. Each
participating TCC store will
donate 250 backpacks and
each A Wireless store will
donate 125 backpacks. All
leftover backpacks will be
donated to local schools.
“When given the opportuni-
ty, doing good is important,
and taking such opportunities
to help lift up and encourage
others is a privilege,” said
Bryan Bevin, president and
CEO. “At A Wireless, we
don’t just want to be doers of
good, we want to inspire a
Culture of Good.”
Available Now for
inspection and
abatement of:
Relay For Life
Celebrates its 17th Year in Florence
August 13th - Registration tent opens at 10:00 am
Opening ceremonies begin at 11:00 am
Survivor and Caregivers lap immediately after.
Luminaria ceremony is at 9:00 pm
August 14th, Closing ceremonies are 9:30 am.
Where: Miller Park , Florence
The Survivors Lap • Entertainment and Food Court
Sunset Luminaria Ceremony • Relay Team Activities and Camping
For more information on forming a Team or becoming an event
sponsor go to: www.RelayForLife.org/FlorenceOR
or contact John Bacon, John.Bacon@cancer.org, 541.361.9025
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