6 A
SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2015
Helpful tips for dealing with your fruitcake anxiety
intoxicated with rum, strug-
jaws.
So, as a service to our
readers, we assembled a
group of psychiatrists to help
provide insight into dealing
with FDAD. At a cost of
more than $200 an hour, we
held an informative, three-
minute discussion to create
the following self-help guide:
I’m OK — You’re OK. But
Give Me a Fruitcake and I’ll
Kill You.
According to our experts,
the first step in dealing with
this anxiety is understanding
where it comes from. To do
that, we must go back to the
very first fruitcake, which
historians agree was baked by
Betsy Ross who, for obvious
reasons, was noted for her
sewing.
Subsequently, this same
cake was dropped from a tall
building by Dick Clark each
New Year’s Eve until 1972,
when it developed a crack
and, as a safety precaution,
was launched into space.
This was done despite
protests from scientists, who
warned that the loaf could
eventually come crashing
back to earth and lead to mass
extinction.
Experts say this has led to
a new generation of people
who not only distrust fruit-
cake, but see it as a genuine
threat to humanity. For these
“We were kind of surprised to
find that the older people like
the stuffed animals. They are
free to take home.”
The kitchen staff begins
preparing the food at 4 a.m.
Between 75 and 80 volunteers
are required to prepare, serve
and clean up after the meal.
Most are Elks members, but
according to Ziebell, Kiwanis
Club members, who serve a
similar Thanksgiving dinner,
often help out.
“The dinner is our way of
thanking the community for
supporting the lodge,” Ziebell
said.
The Elks see the dinner also
as a way to offer the commu-
nity a time to gather together
and enjoy a good meal amid a
festive holiday atmosphere.
“Florence has an aging pop-
ulation and there are a lot of
people who are alone,” Ziebell
said. “This is a nice way for
them to get out and interact
with others.”
The cost of the meal is
Ned
gling to dislodge the sugar
Hickson loaf from his tightly-clenched
Recent studies show that
mild depression after the holi-
days is not only common but,
in many cases, is the result of
FDAD — Fruitcake Disposal
Anxiety Disorder.
On one hand, your fruit-
cake was a gift and therefore
deserving of some measure of
appreciation.
On the other hand, it has
already become a chew toy
for the neighbor’s pit bull.
This often leads to feelings of
anxiety long after the holi-
days have ended, particularly
when you see “Buster,” still
people, we offer the following
four-step guide to controlling
their fruitcake anxiety.
Step one: Make a list of
your fruitcake’s good quali-
ties. The key is to start with
what makes fruitcake unique.
For example: Its indestructi-
bility. You may not like fruit-
cake, but you have to respect
the fact that cockroaches will
be eating it long after humans
are being imported to other
galaxies on alien party plat-
ters.
Step two: Incorporate fruit-
cake into your daily activities.
This is easy once you stop
thinking of fruitcake as food.
In the same way that Tofurky
is slowly gaining acceptance
as an environmentally safe
mulch, fruitcake doesn’t seem
so bad once you’ve started
using it to block open the
garage door.
Step three: Consider turn-
ing your fruitcake into a
treasured heirloom by getting
it engraved and then giving it
to someone. Just add your
name and date, and you can
pass this special keepsake on
to someone else at the next
available birthday party, wed-
ding, house warming, bat
mitzvah, Earth Day celebra-
tion, etc.
And finally, if after follow-
ing these first three steps
you’re still unable to control
your symptoms, go directly to
Step four: Investing in a tick-
et to Mantiou Springs, Colo.,
for the annual Great Fruitcake
Toss.
Each January, this event
draws hundreds of people
from around the world for the
sole purpose of showing off
their fruitcakes and then cata-
pulting them as far as possi-
ble.
Sure, this may sound stu-
pid. But some day this might
be our last defense against
invading aliens.
Ned is a syndicated colum-
nist with News Media
Corporation.
His
book,
“Humor at the Speed of Life,”
is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon
Books and Barnes and Noble.
Write to him at nedhickson@
icloud.com.
Holiday Gift Ideas from
Dinner
from 1A
“We will be serving hors
d’oeuvres, ham and turkey
with all the trimmings and
three kinds of pies,” Ziebell
said.
In addition to dinner, each
diner will receive a free raffle
ticket to be entered into a
drawing for one of five gift
baskets.
“We also have stuffed ani-
mals at each table,” he said.
funded in part by donations
the Elks receive throughout
the year and by some of the
proceeds from the Elks’ Share
Shop thrift store.
River Cities Taxi will pro-
vide free transportation for
those that need it and live
inside the Florence city limits.
Call 541-997-8520.
__________
KRAB KETTLE
Follow Jack on Twitter
@SNews_Jack. Email him at
jack@thesiuslawnews.com.
Canned Smoked Chinook Salmon.
Salmon Sticks • Krab Kettle Cookbook
280 Hwy. 101 M 541-997-8996
Canned Tuna in a variety of fl avors;
alder smoke, lemon pepper,
garlic, dill, cracked pepper.
Beautiful photos of local area,
ready for framing.
THANK YOU!
We would like this opportunity to thank everyone for
attending our block party recently.
Because of your generosity there are many children
this year that will receive much needed clothing to
keep them warm this holiday season and beyond!
...All perfect for a gift basket or
ship to someone you love!
We had a great time and are truly blessed to have friends like you!
Merry Christmas
from...
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More than 800 people are expected to attend this year’s
free Elks Community Appreciation Dinner on Dec. 25,
from 12 to 3 p.m. at the Elks Lodge. Everyone is invited.
541-997-3160
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