10 A
SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2015
Politics could use a dose of reality (television)
Aside from watching some-
thing on “The Dust Channel,”
I can't think of anything less
interesting than the upcoming
political debates and conven-
tions. Watch, I’ll show you....
See?
Nothing.
And the worst part is,
they’ll be on every major net-
work, with commentary
offered by shell-shocked cor-
respondents picking confetti
from their hair and wincing
between air horn blasts that
are supposed to make us all
wish we were part of that
kind of fun! In actuality, news
anchors David Muir, Lester
Holt and Scott Pelley don’t
want to be there either, but
they will be; and by God, if
they’ve got to be stuck in a
skybox for a week, we’re
going to watch!
Now, that’s not to say mak-
ing the debates and conven-
tions even remotely interest-
ing isn’t possible. In fact, if
the campaign gurus would
study the ratings, there are
plenty of examples of what
could be done to make things
more exciting by following a
few, simple rules.
Rule number one:
Voyeurism is in
Big Brother, Survivor,
American Greed, Who wants
to be a Millionaire are, at
their core, really about watch-
ing someone squirm on
national television. So why
not presidential nominees? If
nothing else, it’ll give
Americans a chance to see
how their future president
will handle his or her affairs
under pressure.
Maybe “affairs” isn’t the
right word, but you know
what I mean.
Rule number two:
There needs to be some-
thing at stake
In most cases it’s an enor-
mous sum of money.
However, considering that the
Republicans’ 11 nominees
alone probably make more a
year than everyone reading
this, for this scenario we’ll
just offer “The-most-power-
ful-person-in-the-world”
prize. And maybe throw in a
pharmaceutical lobbyist and
Lipitor endorsement spot for
later.
And, rule number three:
You’ve got to have a
sharply dressed, highly irri-
tating host
My first suggestion
would’ve been Kanye West,
but he’s already busy running
for the 2020 election, assum-
ing he hasn’t left the country
by then. This leaves Ryan
Seacrest and Chris Harrison.
Both are sharp dressers
and, although I wouldn’t call
Harrison “highly irritating,” it
would be good for him to
help Seacrest keep track of
how many questions are left
during debates.
Combine these three key
elements, add a political con-
text, and you have the ulti-
mate in convention coverage:
Big Brother Wants A
Greedy Survivor
Each episode will begin
with host Seacrest in a heli-
copter as he flies over the
nominees, who have been
dropped into the heart of East
L.A. with nothing but a
“Straight Outta Compton” T-
shirt, lots if bling, black
Cargo pants and a pair of
$200 basketball shoes.
During the five-day airing,
each nominee will have to
scrounge for food, at times
resorting to ethnic cuisine and
L.A. tap water, as they battle
to survive long enough to
reach Friday night’s finale: a
question and answer session
for cumulative electoral
votes.
Example:
Seacrest: Complete this
famous quote from our U.S.
Constitution: "We the
(BLANK) of the United
States..?"
Is it,
a) Pot-smoking liberals
ruining everything,
b) Mexicans from outer
space,
c) People
or
d) Canadians
Donald Trump: “If I get
this wrong, you’re fired.”
Hillary Clinton: “Is this a
trick question?”
Scott Walker: “Canadians.
Nailed it!”
The bottom line is, by con-
vention time next July, there’s
about as much anticipation as
there is in watching milk cur-
dle; in both cases the result is
always the same — and nei-
ther is pleasant to swallow.
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