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10 A SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2015 Politics could use a dose of reality (television) Aside from watching some- thing on “The Dust Channel,” I can't think of anything less interesting than the upcoming political debates and conven- tions. Watch, I’ll show you.... See? Nothing. And the worst part is, they’ll be on every major net- work, with commentary offered by shell-shocked cor- respondents picking confetti from their hair and wincing between air horn blasts that are supposed to make us all wish we were part of that kind of fun! In actuality, news anchors David Muir, Lester Holt and Scott Pelley don’t want to be there either, but they will be; and by God, if they’ve got to be stuck in a skybox for a week, we’re going to watch! Now, that’s not to say mak- ing the debates and conven- tions even remotely interest- ing isn’t possible. In fact, if the campaign gurus would study the ratings, there are plenty of examples of what could be done to make things more exciting by following a few, simple rules. Rule number one: Voyeurism is in Big Brother, Survivor, American Greed, Who wants to be a Millionaire are, at their core, really about watch- ing someone squirm on national television. So why not presidential nominees? If nothing else, it’ll give Americans a chance to see how their future president will handle his or her affairs under pressure. Maybe “affairs” isn’t the right word, but you know what I mean. Rule number two: There needs to be some- thing at stake In most cases it’s an enor- mous sum of money. However, considering that the Republicans’ 11 nominees alone probably make more a year than everyone reading this, for this scenario we’ll just offer “The-most-power- ful-person-in-the-world” prize. And maybe throw in a pharmaceutical lobbyist and Lipitor endorsement spot for later. And, rule number three: You’ve got to have a sharply dressed, highly irri- tating host My first suggestion would’ve been Kanye West, but he’s already busy running for the 2020 election, assum- ing he hasn’t left the country by then. This leaves Ryan Seacrest and Chris Harrison. Both are sharp dressers and, although I wouldn’t call Harrison “highly irritating,” it would be good for him to help Seacrest keep track of how many questions are left during debates. Combine these three key elements, add a political con- text, and you have the ulti- mate in convention coverage: Big Brother Wants A Greedy Survivor Each episode will begin with host Seacrest in a heli- copter as he flies over the nominees, who have been dropped into the heart of East L.A. with nothing but a “Straight Outta Compton” T- shirt, lots if bling, black Cargo pants and a pair of $200 basketball shoes. During the five-day airing, each nominee will have to scrounge for food, at times resorting to ethnic cuisine and L.A. tap water, as they battle to survive long enough to reach Friday night’s finale: a question and answer session for cumulative electoral votes. Example: Seacrest: Complete this famous quote from our U.S. Constitution: "We the (BLANK) of the United States..?" Is it, a) Pot-smoking liberals ruining everything, b) Mexicans from outer space, c) People or d) Canadians Donald Trump: “If I get this wrong, you’re fired.” Hillary Clinton: “Is this a trick question?” Scott Walker: “Canadians. Nailed it!” The bottom line is, by con- vention time next July, there’s about as much anticipation as there is in watching milk cur- dle; in both cases the result is always the same — and nei- ther is pleasant to swallow. Windjammer Salon Welcomes Valerie Clairissa Paxston Clairissa is Accepting New Clients Friday and Saturday appointments welcome! 541-513-9351 • Graduate of Paul Mitchell Hair Academy, Ren o. • Specializes in cut and color, gel and polished nai ls • Siuslaw High Gra duate. www.facebook.com/hairandnailsbyValerieClairissa Care to hear a little secret? Not all hearing aids sound the same. Power-washing and Moss Solutions Immediate openings for Movers Apply @ Gail Leslie, Au. D. Sandi Ybarra, Au. D., Doctors of Audiology Call to schedule a consultation. You’ll find we’re expert listeners. FLORENCE: 541-997-7617 1525 12th Street, Suite 2 EUGENE: 541-686-3505 VOICE / TTD 401 East 10th Avenue, Suite 110 www.hearingassociates.net www.OMGhelpers.com Hearing is believing CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK Ned Hickson