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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (Sept. 9, 2015)
SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2015 9 A Scorpions could improve some boring spectator sports Ned Hickson Like millions of red-blood- ed, unathletic men across America, I will be spending a good portion of my Saturdays sitting on the couch, eating handfuls of assorted snack foods and whining every time a player from my team makes even the teeniest mistake. It doesn’t matter that these men are performing feats of ath- letic skill I can only achieve in my dreams (after which I usually wake up with a pulled groin muscle). And it doesn’t matter that each of these men possesses more muscle mass than my entire body weight plus a mid-sized SUV. The reason these things don’t matter to us men is because we know THOSE men can’t actually hear us. If they could, football parties as we know them would cease to exist: “Did you guys see number 42?! That IDIOT completely missed the tackle!” “Hey, Bill — I think he’s looking at you.” “What...?” “Try moving over by the cheese dip. Oh yeah, he’s definitely looking right at you, Bill.” “What’s he holding up?” “I think it’s some kind of fancy GPS device.” “Why’s he smiling and pointing at us like that?” “Quick, Bill! Change the channel!” This exaggeration was done to make a point, which is that, aside from leaving for work one morning and being tackled through the screen door by a 310-pound line- backer, nothing can keep us from shouting at the TV dur- ing a sporting event. In fact, I have a friend who owns a giant flat-screen TV with picture-in-picture view- ing who has taken this to a new level by learning to yell at four different games at once. While this is certainly an impressive display of multi-tasking, watching a game with him is like watch- ing a game with a sports fanatic suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder. I should clarify that not all sporting events fuel our pri- mal need to yell at the TV. One example is bowling. The reason is simple: There’s no element of physi- cal danger involved. True, there’s always the underlying risk of someone's fingers getting pinched between two bowling balls, but it just doesn’t evoke the same level of danger as it would if bowlers — like bas- ketball players — had to actually compete for the ball in a tip-off before each frame: “...The ball goes UP-and- now-down, off the head of Czechoslovakia’s Sirius Kunkussion, and onto the foot of Floppy Sesamoid, who is now gasping for air from the hand blower...” It’s pretty much the same thing for golf and tennis; no real danger involved. And even though golf does use exciting terms like Water Hazard! Sand Trap! and Sudden Death!, we all know the only real danger is Peter Jacobsen forgetting to pack a sweater for the senior tour. However, in both sports, a few well-placed scorpions could make all the difference: “What a beautiful shot by Rory, eh Tom?” “Yes it was, Frank, but he seems a little hesitant to get his ball.” “Well, Rory’s a smart golfer. He knows there’s a good chance that one of the three remaining scorpion haz- ards is probably in that cup.” “That’s a good point. But remember: He does still have one last caddy-option left. The question, of course, is whether to use him here, or save him for the sand trap.” Or tennis: “In case you’re just tuning in, it’s advantage Williams, which means Sharapova must win this next point if she wants to stay alive — no easy feat, I must say.” “That’s right, Tom. As you can see, they have just released the scorpions on Serena's side of the court. One wrong step, and she could — WHOA! I think we've just lost another ball boy...” Now, before we get a bunch of angry comments from bowlers, tennis players, golfers and scorpions, I have nothing but the utmost respect for those sports (and for scorpions in general). In fact, the last thing I want is to offend anyone with a racket, golf club or good enough aim to drop a 7-10 split. Especially since I just had the screen door fixed. Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of Life,” is available online at Port Hole Publications, Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at nedhickson@icloud.com. Commercial • Residential Proud to be part of the community 85040 Hwy 101 S • Florence, Or. 97439 541-997-8233 LifeWay Christian Re- sources is slated to simulcast well-known Bible teacher and best-selling author Beth Moore live from Wichita, Kan., on Saturday, Sept. 12. Cross Road Assembly of God, 1380 10th St., in Florence will be serving as a host location for the Oregon coastal area. Living Proof Live, spon- sored by Nashville-based publishing company LifeWay Christian Resources, will fea- ture Moore’s dynamic story- telling and passionate Bible teaching. “Beth’s teaching is some of the most profound I’ve ever heard,” Kim Trobee, associ- ate pastor to women at New Life Church in Colorado, said. “Her knowledge of the Word and her passionate delivery never fail to get right to the heart of the matter.” Rene w r o e b i Tod cr s to the b ay Su The simulcast gives each church a front- row seat to one-of-a- kind Bible teaching and life-changing wor- ship. “I have served in women’s ministry for over 20 years now, and there is just no other event like Living Proof Live,” said women’s ministry leader Missy Kintzel. “It is one event our women do not want to miss.” Moore has authored dozens of published COURTESY PHOTO Bible studies, books Beth Moore and devotionals specif- ically for women for The event both challenges and encourages women to nearly two decades. Her grow deeply in their faith. newest LifeWay-published Join 250,000 women around study, “Children of the Day: 1 the world for this live, global, & 2 Thessalonians” (released May 1, 2014), is a Bible study Internet streaming event. that “equips women to let the light of Christ shine brightly.” Moore’s organization, Living Proof Ministries, is based out of Houston. Dove award-winning musi- cal artist Travis Cottrell, who also serves as worship pastor of Englewood Baptist Church in Jackson, Tenn., is slated to lead worship for the event. The Living Proof Live Simulcast kicks off at 8:30 a.m. and ends at 3:15 p.m. Tickets are $25 at the door. Tickets include one full day of music and worship, ses- sions led by Beth Moore and opportunities for fellowship with other women from the Florence and coastal commu- nities. Women may purchase tick- ets by registering at the church during the week or via the Cross Road website at florencecrossroadag.org. HABITAT BeachWalk 2015 Saturday, Sept. 12th, 9am-1pm Siuslaw News September is Disaster Preparedness Month In partnership with the West Lane Emergency Operations Group, Each week we will select one new or renewing subscriber to win one of four disaster preparedness starter kits! Basic Plan – $18 every 10-weeks (20 issues) Annual Plan - $71 -52 weeks (104 issues) (both plans include E-edition) 1) Call 541-997-3441 2) Mail, this form and payment to: PO Box 10, Florence, OR 97439 Call or mail this form today! Name: ____________________________________ Address ___________________________________ __________________________________________ Phone number: _____________________________ e-mail address for e-edition: __________________ Amount: _________________ Check#___________ CC# ______________________________________ Exp:________ Security Code: __________________ Be at North Jetty and walk to Driftwood Shores, have a ton of fun, and help a family build an affordable home. ENTERTAINMENT and REFRESHMENTS at Driftwood Shores This Habitat BeachWalk announcement is sponsored by: Siuslaw News Petersen Auto Detailing Regency Florence Coastal Property Management County Transfer & Recycling Johnston Motor Company Florence Glass Service CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK Author in live simulcast at Cross Road Church