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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JULY 8, 2015
Dating at an oxygen bar could lead to heavy breathing
the atmosphere of an oxygen
Ned
bar.
Hickson
[Pause here to catch clever
It all started with bottled
water.
That’s when we, the con-
sumers, put our collective feet
down and cried out in a unit-
ed voice that there was a little
thing called The Law of
Supply and Demand! And
that we’d be willing to break
that law for the chance to pur-
chase an already free and
abundant earthly element if it
came in a squeeze bottle.
The latest trend is oxygen,
which can now be purchased
at a growing number of hip
“Oxygen Bars” around the
country.
To prepare for your first
venture, you must visualize
irony of last sentence]
[Thank you for waiting.]
Picture a singles bar with
attractive people all sitting
around conversing. Now, take
the wine glasses and beer bot-
tles from these people, and
replace them with plastic oxy-
gen tubes draped over their
ears. Add to this sexually
charged atmosphere the con-
stant hum of an oxygen
pump… and there you have
it!
The terminal-care ward on
“Grey’s Anatomy.”
OK, that’s the visual. Now
let’s work on etiquette.
To begin with, flatulating
into the end of someone’s
oxygen tube is not considered
an acceptable “ice-breaker.”
Though there are many scent
options to choose from, that
is not one of them. Also,
nothing exposes a first-timer
faster than asking for the
“smoking section” at an oxy-
gen bar ...
Come to think of it, that’s
not entirely true.
The fastest way is actually
not asking — and just light-
ing up.
For you single men out
there, remember that the
whole purpose of breathing
97 percent pure oxygen is to
clarify and revitalize thinking.
So pick-up lines that may
have sounded clever after
four beers at a singles bar
now sound something like:
“I wish I were a Jedi
Knight. Can I live under your
couch?”
So instead, try one of these
savvy lines to entice a
prospective date at an oxygen
bar:
1) “Excuse me, is this
nose-piece taken?”
2) “Can I buy you another
minute of air?”
Or
3) “This reminds me; what-
ever happened to the group
‘Air Supply’?”
As with any new and excit-
ing trend, knowing the correct
terminology and etiquette are
crucial. Just as you wouldn’t
enter a biker bar and ask for a
“Zima,” you wouldn’t want to
ruin your first oxygen-bar
experience by asking for a
nose cannelloni instead of a
cannula; while one will blow
oxygen through your nostrils,
the other will blow ricotta
cheese.
So, let’s get started by cov-
ering some basic terminology:
• Cannula — A stylish,
plastic tube that delivers oxy-
gen to your nose.
• Host — Someone carry-
ing an illness that can be
spread by sneezing on some-
one else's cannula (or cannel-
loni, for that matter).
• Ebola — A deadly, incur-
able virus made famous by
the movie “Outbreak,” in
which Dustin Hoffman con-
tracts the virus after trying to
pick up on an infected mon-
key at a Peruvian oxygen bar.
• Life insurance — A poli-
cy that will pay your loved
ones should you contract the
Ebola virus from a cannula
(or even a cannelloni).
• Swizzle shtick — The act
of writing a humor column
about oxygen bars.
If you’re nervous about
taking the first step into this
new trend, remember that it’s
actually been around for a
long time. Japan, for exam-
ple, has had oxygen bars for
almost 40 years. Mexico,
California’s down-wind
neighbor, opened its first oxy-
gen bar 20 years ago —
which, coincidentally, is right
about the time Ross Perot
started complaining about that
“Giant sucking sound.”
Lastly, if all else fails, just
hold on to your cannula.
And don’t forget to
breathe.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com
Rotary donates to Yachats Youth, Family program
The Florence Rotary Club
presented a check in the
amount of $815 to the Yachats
Youth and Family Activities
Program (YYFAP) to help pay
for raised flower beds in its
community garden.
With support from individu-
als and organizations like
Rotary, YYFAP has successful-
ly grown starts from seeds.
The seedlings were planted
in the garden and have been
watered and tended by kids,
staff and volunteers. The gar-
den has broccoli, kale, chard,
fava beans, oregano, chives
and carrots.
The garden also provides
radishes, broccoli and kale for
snacks during the afterschool
program. Anything extra will
be donated to the Yachats Food
Pantry.
Anyone interested in helping
with the garden can visit
www.yachatsyouth.org
for
more information.
Happy 50th
Birthday
Loni
Love~
Mom, Paul,
Megan, Brian and
rest of the family
Trudie,
Denyse,
Shelby and
Lalitha
Time for a new
look?
Call and make
your appointment
today. We look
forward
to seeing you!
COURTESY PHOTO
351 Laurel
Old Town Florence
541-997-3160
Rotary president Sadie Ward, YYFAP president Michelle Korgan, YYFAP executive
director Alice Beck and Rotary president-elect Crystal Farnsworth.
Visit us online: www.TheSiuslawNews.com.
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