SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17, 2015
5 A
Want to be a better father? Get a bigger grill
help me relax and enjoy my
Ned
special day. The problem is,
Hickson it’s hard to relax when, by
Sunday morning I will
awaken to the sizzle of bacon
and eggs, the aroma of fresh-
ly brewed coffee and the
shuffle of approaching feet as
I lay in bed quietly thinking
to myself, My God, my wife is
leaving me.
Then I’ll remember: Wait
— It’s Father’s Day!
It’s a day when we fathers
are revered for our wisdom,
patience and, in a few rare
instances, our neckwear.
For one whole day I’ll be
the perfect father since my
wife will be handling every-
thing for me. She does this to
handling everything herself,
my wife makes it clear I
could be replaced by a dish-
washer and a few extra power
cords.
Okay, that’s not entirely
true.
I can still claim “The
Grilling of Food” as my main
contribution to the daily oper-
ation of our family. I have
managed to keep this duty the
way most men do, by making
the task of grilling appear as
complicated and miserable as
possible, even if it means fak-
ing a heat stroke while
grilling pre-cooked hot dogs.
I realize there are many
new fathers who have made
themselves indispensable dur-
ing the diaper-changing
phase. Just remember: your
indispensability in this area
— much like this morning’s
tightly-wrapped dooty — will
eventually disappear into the
Diaper Genie.
That’s when grilling even
the simplest things, such as a
bratwurst, should be made to
look as difficult as possible.
To do this, you’ll need a
large grill. The bigger the bet-
ter. In fact, if a Hibachi is
your main grilling source, go
now, hop into your vehicle,
and accidentally back over
your Hibachi several times
and replace it with something
more practical.
And, practically speaking,
we’re talking a grill roughly
FATHER’S DAY GOLF SPECIAL
ON JUNE 21, 2015
the size of a Humvee.
Why?
You need a large cooking
surface so that you can con-
vincingly spray down flames
and battle for control over a
raging inferno that, if not for
your grilling skill, would
quickly consume everyone’s
bratwurst — and quite possi-
bly the world.
Unless you are highly
experienced in pyrotechnics,
or live near an open gas line,
trying to produce this same
effect on a Hibachi is very
difficult.
Once you have your giant
grill, you’ll need to keep a
spray bottle handy. Your wife
will assume it’s to prevent
charring. This is partially
true. But mostly you’ll be
sweat-stained father stagger-
ing in and out of the flames
of his grill, both hands
gripped tightly around the
handle of his 50-pound spatu-
la as he devoutly retrieves the
evening meal.
Sure, this may sound like a
lot of effort; you could fold
clothes instead.
But the effort is worth it
when it comes to family.
Besides, it’s really hard to
keep beer cold when it’s hid-
den in the laundry.
Ned is a syndicated colum-
nist
with
News
Media
Corporation. His book, “Humor
at the Speed of Life,” is avail-
able online at Port Hole
Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to
him at nedhickson@icloud.com
I N BRIEF
Library board to meeting is available online at $15; non-members is $20.
To register, call LCC
www.siuslawlibrary.org.
discuss new budget
Florence Center at 541-997-
today
AARP Senior driving 8444.
Siuslaw Public Library
District board of directors will class today
The AARP Driver Safety Beekeepers to begin
meet at 1:30 p.m. on Wednes-
day, June 17, in the Bromley Program will be offered buzzing today
PAY FOR 9 HOLES and PLAY 18
FOR ONLY $45.00 (includes cart)
BURGER AND DRAFT
BEER SPECIAL
ONLY $6.00
SERVED AFTER 11:30am
www.sandpinesgolf.com
1201 35th Street | Florence, OR | 97439 | 541-997-1940
Valid 6/21/15
Room of the Siuslaw Public
Library, 1460 Ninth St., in
Florence. There will be a pub-
lic hearing on the proposed
2015-16 budget.
A complete agenda for this
National Flag Week
June 15th through June 19th
We celebrate Flag Week in honor of
our American flag and our heritage
You're a grand old flag, you're a high flying
flag, and forever in peace may you wave.
~George M. Cohan
Flags may be exchanged
Monday, June 15 thru Friday, June 19
between 9:00am and 5:00pm.
Wednesday, June 17. Class is
held from 10 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.,
at Shorewood Retirement
Apartments, 15th and Spruce
streets.
Cost for AARP members is
For life
insurance,
call a good
neighbor.
Exchange your old flag for a new American Flag!
In honor of National Flag Week, we
will be handing out
free American Flags.
using it to spray on your face
and body to appear as though
you are perspiring when, in
fact, you are frequently sup-
plementing any loss of body
fluid with liberal amounts of
ice cold beer hidden behind
the grill.
Lastly, you should pur-
chase a special, custom-made
spatula that is so enormous
and so heavy it can only be
wielded with two hands. This
will make the grilling process
appear even more difficult by
requiring a “spotter” every
time you flip someone’s burg-
er.
Put all of this together —
spray bottle, giant grill, two-
handed spatula — and you’ll
have the dramatic image you
want, which is that of a
Sue Gilday Insurance Agcy Inc
Sue Gilday, Agent
1275 Rhododendron Drive
Florence, OR 97439
Bus: 541-997-7161
Call me and I’ll help you
choose the right life insurance
for you and your family.
We put the life back
in life insurance.
™
Limited supply, reserve yours today!
There will be a ceremonial disposal of
the retired flags that are collected.
375 9th St
Florence, OR 97439
(541) 997-6111
www.spruce-point.com
State Farm Life Insurance Company (Not licensed in MA, NY or WI),
State Farm Life and Accident Assurance Company (Licensed in NY and WI),
1311000
Bloomington, IL
The
Central
Coast
Beekeepers Association will
begin holding monthly meet-
ings on the third Wednesday of
each month.
The meetings will be held
from 6:30 to 8 p.m., in the
large meeting room in the
Newport Public Library, 35
NW Nye St. in Newport.
These meetings are open to
everyone, especially those
interested in learning more
about how to keep bees in a
coastal climate.
For more information, con-
tact Florence member Becca
Fain at 541-997-3792.
Real Food Co-op call
to artists
Art and craft donations for a
fundraiser for the Real Food
Co-op are needed by June 20.
The benefit will be held June
27 at Kenneth B. Gallery.
If you are interested in
donating, would like to help
with the event, or have ques-
tions, contact Christine at del-
gadochristine1@gmail.com or
call 206-369-6825.
Library Friends board
meeting set
The Friends of the Siuslaw
Public Library will hold its
monthly
board
meeting
Thursday, June 25, at 11 a.m.,
in the Bromley Room at the
library.
All members and anyone
interested in supporting the
library or learning more about
the Friends is invited to attend.
For more information, con-
tact SiuslawLibraryFriends@
gmail.com.
Summer hours begin
at LCC
Introducing your brand-new local bank.
Community banking is where we got our start 125 years ago. And it’s what we deliver
everywhere we go. Which is why even though Siuslaw Bank is now Banner Bank,
you’ll still find the same local employees you know, and trust and an unwavering
commitment to serving your community.
Visit one of our many convenient branches or find us at bannerbank.com.
Let’s create tomorrow, together.
MEMBER FDIC
Lane Community College
will close on Fridays for the
summer beginning Friday,
June 26, and continuing
through Friday, Aug. 28.
No services will be avail-
able, and no classes or events
will be held, unless otherwise
scheduled by a department or
program.
Lutherans invite you
to ‘Come As You Are’
New Life Lutheran Church
continues through the Summer
with its “Come As You Are”
Wednesday evening Worship
Services at 6 p.m.
Come enjoy the more casual
setting and fellowship includ-
ing discussion and sharing life
stories among the group.
For more information, con-
tact Pastor Lori Blake at 541-
997-8113.
New Life Lutheran is at 21st
and Spruce streets, next to
Florence Food Share.
All are welcomed to be part
of this midweek worship serv-
ice.