SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10, 2015
9 A
Looking for excitement? Try feeding your arm to a catfish
After
living in the Deep South for
10 years, I occasionally feel
a strong urge to return. When
that happens, I just remind
myself that as beautiful and
historic and hospitable as the
South is, it contains people
who use themselves as bait
for catfish that are roughly
the size of an Air Stream
travel trailer.
Generally speaking, these
people are not intoxicated or
medicated. Nor is there any
evidence to support that they
are the victims of mind-con-
trolling aliens who have sim-
ply grown bored waiting for
the hindquarters of a bull elk
clenched between its jaws.
Others in our group disagree,
and say what I actually
stepped on was a swollen
bratwurst.
Which is totally ridicu-
lous.
I think I’d know the differ-
ence between stepping on a
dangerous man-eating fish,
or a relatively harmless meat
by-product. Although, to be
fair, I can’t say for sure
because my eyes were closed
and I was screaming. In that
moment it became clear to
everyone in our group — and
anyone living within a two-
mile radius — that I wasn’t
going to be bare-handing a
giant catfish (or bratwurst)
anytime soon.
To fully appreciate this
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aggressive style of fishing
known as “noodling,” you
must keep a couple of things
in mind. First, some catfish
can weigh as much as 100
pounds. Fish biologists have
documented enormous mouth
radiuses, which measured by
carefully extending the
mouth to its largest capacity,
measuring it on all sides,
then comparing it to a scale
reference provided by Miley
Cyrus.
The other thing you have
to remember is that the
South’s most successful
“noodlers” — those who
have achieved celebrity by
the sheer volume of catfish
they’ve landed with their
bare hands — generally have
names like “Uncle Stubby,”
“Button-Nosed Jim” and
“Three-Finger Jack.”
These men not only offer
themselves for the sake of
the sport, buy vow to keep
doing so, even if it becomes
necessary for someone to
physically insert them into a
catfish lair once they’ve lost
all their appendages.
It’s this kind of dedication
that inspires people like
myself to at least consider
taking a risk and, despite the
danger, order fried catfish
that might contain a missing
digit from “Three-Finger
Jack.”
To better understand this
sport, I tried contacting sev-
eral “noodlers” by phone to
discuss what it takes to be
successful. One thing I
learned right away was to
make sure the person you are
calling is indeed a “noodler”
before addressing them as
such.
This is especially true if
you accidentally transpose
the number and call someone
who is, at that very moment,
running late for an anger
management class.
I will continue to follow
this story. In fact, my editor
has agreed to fly me back to
the Deep South for first-hand
research, and I definitely
plan to go.
Just as soon as he includes
a return ticket.
Women Vets to host
luncheon Friday
Summer to start
with splash for kids
The
Coastal
Women
Veterans will be having its
next lunch at 11:30 a.m. on
June
12
at
Lovejoy’s
Restaurant and English Tea
Room, 195 Nopal St.
All women veterans are wel-
come and encouraged to attend
and can RSVP by calling
541-997-4403 or emailing
ncoughlan@aol.com.
“Summer Splash Saturdays”
for children is happening the
second Saturday of each month
at New Life Lutheran of
Florence.
The first Summer Splash
will be this Saturday, June 13,
from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m.
Activities for children will
include an art project, music,
storytime and playtime.
Lunch will be provided.
New Life Lutheran is at 21st
and Spruce streets.
For more information or to
sign up, contact New Life
Lutheran at 541-997-8113.
The next Splash days will be
Saturday, July 11, and
Saturday, Aug. 8.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed
of Life,” is available online at
Port Hole Publications, Amazon
Books and Barnes & Noble.
Write
to
him
at
nedhickson@icloud.com.
I N BRIEF
Free cooking class to
feature picnic food
The organizers of April’s
annual Community Health Fair
are hosting another in a series
of free cooking classes for the
community. The class will fea-
ture tasty meatless burgers,
summer salads and desserts
from heart-healthy, diabetic-
friendly, and cholesterol-free
recipes.
The event is Sunday, June
14, from 6 to 8 p.m., at the
Florence Seventh-day Adven-
tist Church, 4445 Highway
101.
Seating will be limited.
For more information, or to
preregister, contact Linda
Lydick at 541-999-2052 or
email lindasveggies@gmail.
com.
Get support, info
for prostate cancer
The next meeting of the Us
TOO Florence Prostate Cancer
Education and Support Lunch
Bunch is Tuesday, June 16, at
the Kozy Kitchen Restaurant
from noon to 1 p.m.
This is an excellent source
of prostate cancer information
with Urologist Dr. Doug Hoff
and prostate cancer survivors
in attendance.
Bring questions and get
answers.
Call Bob Horney at 541-
999-4239 for more informa-
tion.
Senior driving class
from AARP
The AARP Driver Safety
Program will be offered
Wednesday, June 17. Class is
held from 10 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.
at Shorewood Retirement
Apartments, 15th and Spruce
streets.
Cost for AARP members is
$15; non-members is $20.
To register, call LCC
Florence Center at 541-997-
8444.
Beekeepers to begin
buzzing June 17
The
Central
Coast
Beekeepers Association will
begin holding monthly meet-
ings on the third Wednesday of
each month with the initial
meeting scheduled for June
17.
The meetings will be held
from 6:30 to 8 p.m., in the
large meeting room in the
Newport Public Library, 35
NW Nye St. in Newport.
These meetings are open to
everyone, especially those
interested in learning more
about how to keep bees in a
coastal climate.
For more information, con-
tact Florence member Becca
Fain at 541-997-3792.
CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK
Ned
Hickson
the invasion.
No. These folks WANT to
hunt catfish by sticking their
bare hands into underwater
burrows, knowing full well it
could be the hiding place of
a cottonmouth, snapping tur-
tle or Dick Cheney.
Admittedly, the closest
I’ve come to hand-grabbing a
catfish occurred at a public
golf course near Atlanta,
when I waded into a water
hazard to retrieve my ball
and accidentally stepped on a
Gar.
For those west of the
Mason-Dixon line, a Gar is
sort of like a barracuda, but
with more attitude. To this
day, none of us can agree on
how big this Gar was. My
guess is about 12 feet long.
And I’m pretty sure it had