SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015
11 A
Science links obesity to fat, lazy microbes
device capable of measuring
Ned
the weight of a single cell.
Hickson
This is big news because it
Scientists
at
Cornell
University have created a
moves us beyond the limits of
sub-gram
measurements
“nano,” “pico” and “femto,”
and into an exciting new realm
of measurements known as
RESORT
“zeppo,” “harpo” and “grou-
cho.” This could eventually
lead to the smallest and least-
known unit of measure,
“chico.”
Many of you are probably
wondering how useful this
information really is when it
seems most things — cars,
houses, Americans in general
— are actually getting bigger.
Personally, I see no benefit
in being able to describe my
weight as “a little over 70 tril-
lion harpo-grams.” Nor do I
want to be around when my
wife discovers, after eating
that extra helping of potato
salad this July Fourth, that she
not only gained back the 17
trillion zeppo-grams she’d
lost, but also put on an extra
two billion grouchos.
It doesn’t matter that all of
this adds up to less than a sin-
gle uncooked lima bean. What
matters is that I make the pota-
to salad, and will therefore be
held responsible.
As Cornell University sci-
entists explained, this new
system of measurement is a
tremendous
breakthrough
because it allows them to
weigh things that had previ-
ously been too small for any-
one to actually care about.
To help you appreciate this
advancement, I will attempt to
explain the science behind the
discovery. I should warn you
that I will be referring to
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“oscillating cantilevers” and
“sextillions.”
Rest assured that these are
completely innocuous words,
especially since I have no idea
what they mean.
However, according to sci-
entists, their discovery of sub-
gram measurements was made
by using “tiny oscillating can-
tilevers” to detect a change in
the mass of something as
small as one “sextillion.”
This is equal to one-thou-
sandth of a femtogram or, put
in more practical terms,
roughly the size of one bac-
terium nostril.
Why is this important?
Because, as far as I know,
this is the first time anyone has
actually used the term “bac-
terium nostril” in a newspaper
column. But even more impor-
tant, scientists will tell you
that it’s our dogged pursuit of
knowledge that separates us
from the apes (who, as we all
know, have really big nos-
trils.)
The bigger question, of
course, is how this new ability
to weigh microorganisms will
affect you and me, the general
nose-breathing public.
With our nation’s obesity
problem in mind, I am using
this technology to launch my
own weight-loss program.
Unlike other programs,
mine strikes at the heart of our
obesity issue by placing blame
where it belongs: squarely on
the shoulders of big fat
microbes, which constantly
hang all over us, therefore
making us appear to weigh
more than we actually do.
The “Nedkins Micro Diet”
is actually in bookstores right
now, so look for it on the
shelves.
You’ll have to look hard,
though.
It’s pretty small.
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