New York City.
HUMOR OF TiHE HOUR
Selections
THE FIRST JOKES.
Do You Knjw Which the Original
Eleven Ones Were?
1 Miss Agnes Heppller, lecturing on
'The Mission of Humor" at the Colony
cluh, Now York, Bald she had been in
formed that there were eleven original
Jokes In the world. After she had said
lier n'llotted say Mr. Joseph II. Chonte
arose and, gallant as ever, remarked
that he was now sure there were twenty-two
original Jokes. Any man or wo
man who produces eleven original
jokes in a lecture is a world wonder.
iW'ith all due respect to Miss Ilepplier,
five are inclined to think that Mr.
Choate was too amiable and too recep
tive. What are these eleven original, fun
damental, basic jokes, not made for a
parish or an occasion, necessarily Hu
man and universal? Look over the
.comic weeklies from the beginning of
Punch and you will find the same lines
of humorous thought, endless repeti
tions of a fool born jest, ponderous
elaboration of a trifle, changes of an
old idea to suit time aud place. The
old jest books Joe Miller's, and, before
liis, Foggltt and Bacon show how our
predecessors anticipated us. riutarch's
"Morals" is full of Jests and jocose
anecdotes that are now fondly thought
contemporaneous. Turn to his "Apo
thegms or Remarkable Sayings of
Kings and Great Commanders" and
you nud this quip: A prating barber
asked Archelaus how he would be
trimmed. Archelaus answered, "In
filence." Read "The Banquet of the
Seven Wise Men," Englished by Roger
Davis, A. M., and there a sage is thus
reported: "In this mistake, however,
I'm much of the youth's mind who,
throwing a stone at a dog, hit his step
mother, adding, 'My throw is not lost,
however.' "
The favorite jokes in this country
have been for years based on the mother-in-law,
the farmer and the summer
boarder, the city boarding house,
spring cleaning (and the stovepipe play
ed an important part) and the greedy
goat. The mother-in-law was naturally
the victim of the first Jocose Bon-in-law,
while there could be no joke about
the stovepipe before the existence of
the pipe. There Is the cannibal mis
sionary joke that has done yeoman's
service, but it cannot be older than the
appearance of the first missionary.
What are the primeval eleven Jokes?
One of the oldest known to us begins
"Old Noah, he had three sons, Shem,
Ham and Japheth," but there must
hive teen jokes before the flood. What
were the eleven that were preserved
in the ark? No doubt the gag about
the elephant bringing his trunk was
coined by some irreverent looker on
who saw in the embarkation only food
for mirth. Death by drowning was too
good for him. But what jokes did Noah
.md his sons take with them for daily
recreation? We can be sure of only
one the mother-in-law jest. Will not
Miss Reppiier tell to the world the
other ten? Boston Herald.
The Stiletto In Italy.
"The reign of the knife and tho sti
letto, which has been unquestioned In
Italy for centuries," says the Rome cor
respondent of a Berlin paper, "is to be
brought to an end. For generations it
has been the custom to carry a knife,
and those men in the lower walks who
had no knife carried a sharpened nail
or file to be used on the slightest prov
ocation. The wine is heavy, the blood
of the people is hot, their power of self
control small. Is it a wonder, then,
that, with the murderous instrument
always at hand, there should be so
many fatal encounters? But the law
makers have at last discovered that
the morals of the whole nation have
been influenced for the bad by the
knife carrying custom, and laws will
be passed similar to those now in force
in some parts of the United States of
America making it a crime to carry a
deadly weapon."
A Fling at the French Army.
General Langlols, a distinguished of
ficer of the French army, has aroused
much uneasiness among his country
men by asserting that the morale and
discipline of the military forces of
France are in an nlarming state of de
generation. All the military enthusi
asm of Napoleon's day, he remarks,
has evaporated, patriotism is rapidly
becoming a thing of the past, and the
military organization of the republic,
once so removed from sordid influences,
ii controlled even in the minutest de
tails ly politics ami olitlcians. Pro
motions, furloughs, permits to men in
the lowest ranks of the army to marry,
fays General Langlols, are all subject
to the control of civil magistrates in
each prefecture, the results being com
plete anarchy and disorganization in
the army.
He Got Homesick.
When Rul.en Dario, the new Nica-
ragnaii minister to Spain, arrived in !
New York recently on his way to his
new post, he brought with him from
Nicaragua a young man as his secre
tary. The latter had never been so far
away from Managua and at first the
greatness of the American metropolis
surprised him. Then it actually over
awed him, and he lxcame afflicted
with that yearning for home that is
commonly known as homesickness.
When Seuor Dario sailed for Madrid
his secretary was not with him. lie
informed tbe minister that he feared
to go farther away from Nicaragua,
and, the yearning for home overmas
tering tbe ambition for diplomatic hon
ors, he returned there "pronto.
The Doctor's Little Girls.
The little daughters of a Missouri
doctor were much interested in the
new baby which had arrived at the
home of a neighbor and which their
mother told t hem had. been brought by
the stork. The children were promised
a visit to the baby, and when the
eventful day arrived Gladys sought
her little sister and said: "Come on,
sister. We are going to see Mrs.
Smith's baby." To the surprise of all,
the child declined to go.
"I don't want to Fee the baby," she
said. "I'd raver see the stork."
These came little girls were busy nt
work in the kitchen one morning
when their mother entered the room.
She noticed a dark concoction cooking
i on the stove and attempted to remove
the pan. "Oh, mamma," objected the
children, "don't take it off. We are
boiling a mud puddle." Lippincott's
Magazine.
So Thoughtful.
Mr. Westend You seem very happy
tonight
Mrs. Westend Yes, indeed. That
Jewel of a maid is not going to leave
me after all.
Mr. Westend Why, I thought you
told me only the other day that she
was going to Mrs. Murrayhlll's.
Mrs. Westend Y'es, she was, but
Mrs. Murrayhill died this morning.
Was it not sweet of her? Judge.
Affected Him Differently.
"Maw, what's paw doing down in
the basement? Patching up the ice
box?" "No, dear. lie's putting new wire
gauze on the screen doors."
"How do you know?"
"By the language he is using, dear."
Chicago Tribune.
Accommodating.
"Madam," ventured the weary way
farer, "could I get a cold bite here?"
The housewife with the big broom
laughed.
"A cold bite?" she responded. "Why,
certainly. I'll let Bruno eat some ice
before he grabs you." Chicago Newa.
The Question Pertinent.
"When I was your age I never told a
falsehood!"
"Boo wh-wh-when did you begin
boo-hoo-hoo?"
Cupid ct the Bat.
Pearl Y'es, our college had a fe
male baseball team.
Ruby Did you have any good catch
ers? Fearl I should say so! Five of them
caught husbands the first season and
broke up the team. Chicago News.
Cheep! Cheep!
"I declare," remarked the duck, "if
that little chick isn't trying to talk al
ready! But it doesn't amount to
much."
"No," replied the young rooster
scornfully, "all his talk is 'cheep.' "
Catholic Standard and Times.
Enough to Kill.
"Of course," said Dabster, "I only
write poetry to kill time, not to sell"
"Well," quietly replied Crittick,
handing back the manuscript, "if time
weren't next to immortal I'm sure
you'd be successful." Philadelphia
Tress.
The Question cf a Letter.
"So your daughter has made a mat
rimonial alliance with Count Fu
cashi?" "That isn't a matrimonial alliance,"
answered Mr. Dustin Stax. "That's a
patrimonial alliance." Washington
Star.
The Persistent Young Man.
"Do you know, young man, that my
Jaughter is accustomed to every lux
ury?" "Is she, sir? Then I feel quite 6ure
i that a complete change will be good
for her." Cleveland Plain Dearer.
Talked Too Much.
Miss Sue Brette I bear your trage
dian pot bit in the teeth last night
with an egg?
Foote Lighte Yes. That fellow nev
er did know when to keep his mouth
shut! Yonkers Statesman.
Good as Settled.
SingletonAre you going to buy that
automobile you and your wife were
looking at yesterday?
Wedderly I suppose bo. My wife
pays we can't afford It. Ilouvton Pot,
The New York city police department
has recovered about jt(K,(KX) iu stolen
property during the last year.
While the borough of Manhattan Is
only 7 per cent of the area of New
York city, it contains about one-half
of the entire population.
Tho most expensive publication,
with the least income, In New York
city is the City Record, which will cost
New York $1,174,500 this year.
If the real estate of Manhattan
Island were divided equally among its
inhabitants each Individual would
own $2,020 worth, according to the as
sessed value. New York Herald.
Pointed Paragraphs.
At the exact moment you try to
show off look out for a streak of bad
luck.
When a man neglects a duty he
says, "I was too busy," but usually
he was too lazy.
If you want to make a man mad,
tell him not to lose his temper when
he has already lost it.
There is so little money earned In
attending to other people's affairs that
we wonder people don't quit it.
By the time a man is wise enough
to realize the importance of making
hay when the sun shines it is twi
light. Atchison Globe.
Cold Weather Advice.
to all is to beware of coughs and colds
on the chest ; as neglected they leudily
lead to pneumonia, consumption or other
pulmonary troubles. Justas soon asthe
cough appears tr?at it with Bal'ard's
Horehound Syrup, the standard cure of
America. Use bs directed petfectly
harmless. A cure and ptevemive forall
diseases of the lungs. Piioo 25c, 50c
; and $1 00 per bottle. Si Id by Patterson
& Son.
CASTOR I A
For Infants and Children,
The Kind You Have Always Bought
Bears the
Signature of
Sum nioiia.
In the Circuit Court of the State of
Oregon for Morrow County.
Cora Johnson, Plaintiff, va. Thomns
J. Johnson, Defendant.
To Thomas J. Johnson, the above
named defendant:
In the name of the State of Oiegon
you are nereoy commanded to appear
in the above entitled case on or before
Monday, the 12th day of November, A
D. 1908, to make answer to the oomplaint
of plaintiff filed herein against you and
in case you fail so to appear the allega
: fii i ..ii . .
nous oi me complaint win oe taken as
confessed against you, and the plaintiff
will apply to the Court tor the relief
prayed f r in the complaint, to- it: for
a decree of said court dissolving the
bonds of hiatrimony existing between
plaintiff and defendant, ami for the res
toration of plaintiffs maiden name and
t .il l r .. .
ior Hiicnuuier unu lurmer reiiel as may
De ubi anu equrtarne.
The time prescribed for the pnblica
tion cf the sumni ina is six weeks and
tbe date for the appearance of the de
fendant is on or before the lL'th day of
November, A. D. 1"J08.
That the summons i published by
order of the Hon. C. C. Patterson, Judge
ot tne bounty court of Morrow County,
Oregon, which order was made on the
30th day of September, A. 1). 1908.
The date of the first publication of
this summons is the 1st day of October.
A. D. 1908.
SAM E. VAN VACTOR.
Octl-Novl2 Attorney for Plaintiff.
Notice to Creditors.
Notice is hereby Riven that the Undersigned
has been appointed by the County Court of
Morrow County. Oregon. adminiHtrator ot the
estate of Hnrah A. Hughes, deceased, and has
Qualified for said trust All persons hnvingany
claims aga'nst said estate are hereby notified to
present the same to me duly verified with
vouchers at the office of Ham E. Van actor at
Heppner, Or Ron, within s x months from the
date of the first publication of this notice.
. , MA IT Hl'OHES.
Administrator of the C6late of barah A.
Hughes, deceased.
8am h. Van Vactor, nt'.orncy for the adminis
trator. Dated and first published this first day of
October. A. U. l'Mi. Oct 1-29
Notice to Creditor.
Notice Is hereby pi von that the undersign d
has been appointed by I lit; Ci.iintv Court of
Morrow County. Oregon, a Iminigtr.itor of the
eatatenf IsKa: Ahalt, deceased mid hs (pall
tied for eajd trust. Ail peitonn h.Hvin cla'ins
BKHinst said PKiat are notified to present the
tHMie to me duly verified wi h voucher at the
omcs or Pain K. Van icti.r, at Heppner, Ore
t'on, within six months from t tic
it!ti of the
nrsi publication of tMs iiutict
v v i ir ii t
Administrator of the estate of Ar.alt, de
ceased. Hin K Van Vactor, st'ornev for Adminis
trrttor
Hated anil first piiblishad this Isf
October. A. 1). Kk.-i. )
dnv of
:t 1 2:1
NOTICE FOR PLHLICATIO.V (Hoi;
Public Lund Sale
;d Tractj
La Grande, OreKnn, Ijind Ol!!re,?ept 2, 1P0S.
Notice is hereby pi ven that, or directed by
the ComniitHOiier of the General lnd Office,
nnder provisions of Act of Conitref- improved
Jane 27, l'."U. Public No. Hfl, we will otter at
public sale, to the highest bidder, at 10 o'clock
a. m , on the 12th dsj- of November, next, at this
oftiie, the follow ing tract of land, to-wU- NW!4
SVV U Sec. 2H NK!t SWJ Sec :. T. 1 H, H. 27 .
VI. M . eriHl No. iiliJ.
Any persons claiming adverxely the above
deecribed lands are advised to file their claims,
or objections, on or before the day above desig
nated for sale.
Octl-Nov5
F.C. HHAMWKI.L. IWister.
A. A. KOBKKTS. Jteceivcr.
POLEYSIflDNEYCUDB
Makes Kidneys and Bladder Right
Boycr & Wherry
Fresh and Salted Meats
Fish on Fridays
Highest market price
paid ror fat stock
HE PPNE R. OREGON
Ice Cream
Ice ('ream Soda
High (irade Cigars
Fresh Candies
Nuts and Fruits
Lunch Goods
Ice Cold Coca Cola
Orangeade
Root IWr
Imperial Hotel
Portland, Oregon
Modern six story,
fireproof building. j
European Plan
I a t e $1.00
(rcl tip.
Phil Mktschan, Manager.
Phil Metschan, Jr. Asct. Manager.
f GILLIAM
The Palm j
) Robert Hart, Prop. it
I
HARDWARE
Tools, Machinery,
Fencing,
in fact, anything
in onr line.
Come and get
prices.
GILLIAM
1 4$3"33f
VUres ougua, uma, viuujj, xa vjwijjjc, lsinma, inroat The Genuine is In the
and Lung Troubles. Prevents Pneumonia and Consumption YELLw packaos
For Scale ly 491 0014 ula JDriaig Company, '
North Beach
Invites
Invigorates
Infatuates
Nature'8 lavish hand endowed
North Health with every attrac
tion as a place of rest, with re
juvenation and recreation.
North B'ach is a stretch of
Beautiful woodland dropping
gently into the "Pacific" and
skirted by 20 milea of smooth,
sandy beach delightful for bath
ing. BUY A TICKET OVER
The O. R. & N.
TAKING THE STEAMER
"T. J. Potter"
DOWN THE RIVER FROM PORTLAND
Mingle with the gay care-free
throng, whilst sweet nature re
build worn tissues and renews
lite, energy and vitality.
The round trip season rate from
Heppner is $11.80
"Outings in Oregon," contains
the story of "Notth Beach," in
eluding hotel rates, etc. Ask J.
B. Huddelston, local agent, Hepp
ner, Oregon,
OR WRITE
Wm McMURRAY,
Gen'l Pass Agent, Portland, Or
NOTICE FOR PI BI-ICATIO V
Department of the Interior,
U. S. Land Ollice at La Grande, Oregon,
Ang. 24, 1908.
Notice is hereby given that Lizzie I. Cox, of
Heppner. Oregon, who on August 12. 1908 made
Timber and Htone sworn statement, No. 0911, for
SWJ, Section 2, Township 4, South Range 28,
East Willamette Meridian, baa filed notice ot
intention to make Final Timber proof, to estab
lish claim to the land above described, before
J. P. Williams, U. S. Commissioner, at Heppner
Oregon, on the 10th day of November, 1908.
Claimant names as wit esses:
Edgar Palmer, of Lexington, Oregon, Joseph
Rector. Frank Brown and George Moore all of
Heppner, Oregon,
AugCT-OcttH) F. C. ERAMWELL, Register
Polk's Gazettker A business Di
rectory of each city, town and vi lage
in Oregon and Washington, giving a de
scriptive sketch of each nlaoe, together
with tbe location and shipping facili
ties and a classified directory of each
business and profestion. R. L, Polk &
Co., Inc., Seattle.
& BISBEE !
& BISBEE 3
5
- JJ - zlj'jb
PALACE hotei
HEPPNER, OREGON
Leading Eastern Oregon Hou.
MODERN CONVENIENCES
ELECTRIC LIGHTED . . .
Cnder? New Management. Thoroughly
Eenovated en J UefJitled. Best
Wer.l8 in tbe City.
HADDOCK & CO.
Props.
fEHSSt
Sam E. VanVactor,
ATTORNEY AT LAW.
Office on west end of May Btreet
Heppner Oregon,.
C. E. WOODSON.
A TTORNEY-A T-LA W
Office In Palace Hotel Heppner, Oregon
N. E. WINNARD, M. S., M. D.
PHYSICIAN fe S UliO EON.
Hpeoial attention given to diseases of
tbe eye, ear, nose and throat.
Glasses properly fitted.
Office: The Fair Building.
Heppner, . . Oregon.
IV. L. SMITH,
ABSTRACTER.
Only complete set of abstract book
in Morrow county.
Heppner,
Oregon
DR. METZLER.
Located in Odd Fellows building.
Rooms 5 and 6.
DR. M. A. LEACH
IJKXTIST
Permanently lnonted in Heppoer. Office
in the new Fair building. Gas ad
ministered. Clarence M. White
LAWYER
Heppner,
Oregon
Phelps & Notson
ATTORNEYS AT LAW.
Office In Odd Fellows Bid Heppner, Oregon,
Frank B. Kistner
PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON.
Office in Patterson & Son's drugstore
Residence in Morrow building over
Patterson A Son's Drugstore.
NOTICE FOH PUBLICATION
, Department of the Interior
V 8 Land Office at La Grande, Oregon,
October 5th, 1908.
Notice is hereby given that Leander Copple.
of Heppner, Oregon, who, on Sept. 30th, 1!H,
madeTimber ApplUa'ion No. Olt-lS for W'i
BWK. NE4SW!i and NM4 KE!i, Sectijn 4,
Township 4 3 , Mange 28, K. W. M has fi'cd
notice of his intention to make tinal Timbtr
proof, to establish his claim to the land above
detcribed, before J, P. Williams, U. 8. Commis
sioner, nt his office in Heppner, Oregon, on the
22d day of Decamber, l'.'OS-
Claimant names ss witnesses:
David M. Ctillongh, Samuel SI. Cullongh, I'aul
Hisler, and Gcorgo Stevenson, all of Heppner,
Oregon.
OctB-Dic9 F. C. Bit AM WELL, ltoglster.
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION
Department of the Interior
1'. S. Land Uilice at l.alirand.e Oregnrr
September8. i:s.
Notice is hereby given that James M. Hager
of Heppner, Oregon, who, on Kept. St), 1KH
made Timber Api lieaticn No. 013 for S,1 NEKi
8", NWfc, section 22, T, 4 8. R.28 E. W. M. has
tiled notice of intention to make Final Timber
Proof, to eetnhllsh. claim to the land above
described, before J. P. Williams, U. S, Com
missioner, at his oilice in Heppner, Oregon, on
the 24th day of November, lti08.
Claimant names as witnesses:
Horace Y nknm. Sherman lEbaw, Claude Her
ren and Willard H. Herren, a'l of Heppner
Oregon. '
Spt lT-Nov ISO F. C. URAMWELL, Iteglster.
NOTICE FOR KUBLICATION.
Department of the Inferior,
United States Land Office
La Giande, Oregon, Sept. 17. IVOS.
Notice is hereby given, that, C. A' Minor, ot
Heppner, County of Morrow, State of Oregon,
has filed in this office hia application to select
under the provisions of the Act of Congress,
approved June 4, 1897. the VV;j HKV Sec. 15, TV
4 S.. T. 27 E., W. M., Serial No. 0.921.
Any and all persons claiming adversely tho
lands described, or desiring to object because
oi the mineral character of the land, or for any
other reason to the disposal to applicant, shouhl
BJe their affidavits of protost in this office on o;
before the 4th day of November, 1K)S.
F. C. BK AM WELL,
Sept 21-Oct 29 IteKistcr.
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION.
Department of the Interior.
U. 8. Land Ollice at The Dalles, Oregon,
Sept. 15, VMH.
Notice is hereby given that George L. lMgers.of
Portland, Oregon, who, on Sept. 15th, 1'IOH. mado
timber and stone sworn statement No. (HOlii, for
8", 8W4 andS'i Section 5, Township d
S., It. 2H K , VY. II. has tiled notice of intention
to make final proof, to establish claim to the
land above descrih-jd, before Kegistcr and H.v
ceiver at The Dalles, Oregon, on the 7th day ot
Dec, l'..
Claimant names as witnesses:
E. J. Catlett J. A. McMorris and Frank:
f liter. of t.oudoii, Or. and Kalph J. Gilbert, of
Portland, Or. o. W. MOjRE, Register.
Sept 24 Oct 29
FOLEYSHONETTAR
topsth cough and hle luntfe
CONTAINS NO
HARMFUL
DRUGS