s Between Two Tires
By ANTHONY HOPE
"A wise man will make more opportunities
than he finds." Francis Bacon.
CHAPTER VI. ( Continued.)
'Hullo, Johnny! Why not at the
House?" said 1 to him. "You'll want ev
ry vote to-night. He ofT and help the
in in is rry. and take Donna Antonia with
you. They're eating up the minister of
finance."
"All right! I'm poind as soon as I've
had another muffin." said Johnny. "But
what's the row about'.'"
"Well, they want their money," I re
plied; "and I Km Antonio wou't give it
them. Hence bad feeling."
"Tell you what it is," said Johnny; "he
hasn't got a "
Here Ionna Antonia struck in, rather
suddenly. I thought.
"Do stop the gentlemen talking poli
ties, Madame Devarges. They'll spoil our
tea party."
"Your word is law," I said; "but I
should like to know what Don Antonio
hasn't got."
"Now do be quiet." she rejoined; isn't
i' quite enough that he has got a charm
ing daughter?"
"And a most valuable one," I replied
v.-ith a bow, for I saw that for some rea
son or oilier Donna Antonia did not mean
to let me pump Johnny Carr, and I want
cd to pump him.
"Don't s:iv another word, Mr. Carr,'
she said, with a
'Y'ou know you
iluii't know anything."
Meanwhile Madame Devarges was giv
ing me a cup of tea. As she handed it
to me, she said in a low voice:
"If I wore his friend I should take
rare Johnny didn't know anything, Mr,
Martin." ...
"If I were his friend I should" take care
lie told me what he knew, Madame De
varges," I replied.
"Perhaps that's what' the Colonel
thinks," she said. "Johnny has just been
telling us how verv attentive he has be
come. And the Signorina. too, I hear."
"You don't mean that?" I exclaimed.
"But. after all, pure kindness, no doubt!"
"You have receive! many attentions
from those quarters," she said. "No doubt
you are a good judge of the motives."
"Don't, now, don't Iw disagreeable,"
fcaid I. "I came here for peace."
'Poor young man! Hare you lost all
your money? Is it possible that you, like
Don Antonio, haven't got a ?"
"What is going to happen?" I asked,
for Madame Devarges often had infor
mation. "I don't know," she said. "But if I
owned national bonds. I should sell."
"Pardon me, madawe; you would offer
to sell."
I did not see any need to enlighten her
further. So I passed on to Donna An
tonia. who had sat somewhat sulkily since
her outburst. I sat down by her and
said :
"Surely I haven't offended you?"
"You know you wouldn't care if you
had," she said, with a reproachful, but
not unkind glance. "You will not let
your real friends save you. Mr. Martin.
You know you want help. Why don't you
consider the stnte of your affairs?"
"In that, at least, my friends in Whit
tingham are very ready to help me," I
answered, with some annoyance.
"If you take it in that way." she re
plied sadly. "I can do nothing."
I was rather touched. Clearly Rhe
wished to Ik? of some use to me, and for
a moment I thought I might do better
to tear myself free from my chains, and
turn to the refuge opened to me. But I
could not do this; and, thinking it would
he rather mean to take advantage of her
Interest in me only to use it for my own
purposes, I yielded to conscience and said:
"Donna Antonia, I will be straightfor
ward with you. You can only help me if
I a-pt your guidance?' I can't do that.
I am too deep in."
"Yes. you are d"ep in. and eager to be
deeper," she said. "Well, so be it. If
that is so I cannot help you."
"Thank you for your kind attempt."
paid I. "I shall very likely be sorry some
day that I repulse it. I shall always be
glad to remember that you made it."
She looked at me a moment, and said:
"We have ruined you amongst us."
"Min i, body and estate?"
She made no reply, and I saw my re
turn to flippancy wounded her. So I rose
an! to-ik my leave. Johnny Carr went
wi'h me.
"Things look queer, eh, old man?" said
he. "But the President will pull through
in spite of the Colonel and his Signor
ina." "Johnny.' said I. "you hurt my feel
ings; but still I will give you a piece of
advice. Marry Donna Antonia. She's
a good girl and a clever girl."
"That's not a bad Met." said he. "Why
don't you do it yourself?"
"Because I'm like you. Johnny an
Idiot," I replied, and left him wondering
why, if he was an idiot, and I was an
Mint, one idiot should marry Donna An
tonia. and not both or neither.
As I went along I bought the Gazette,
the government organ, and read therein:
"At a Cabinet council this afternoon,
presided over by his excellency, we un
derstand that the arrangements connected
with the national debt formed the sub
ject of discussion. The resolutions arriv
ed at are at present strictly confidential,
hut we have the best authority for stat
ing that the measures to be adopted will
have the effect of materially alleviating
the present tension, and will afford un
mixed satisfaction to the immense ma
jority of the citizens of Aureataland. The
President will once azain be hailed as
the savior of his country."
"I wonder if the immense majority will
Include me?" said I. "I thitk I will go
and see his excellency .
CHAPTER VII.
The next morning I took my way to the
GoioVn House, where I learned that the
President was at the ministry of finance.
Arriving there, I sent in my card, writing
thereon an humble repiet for a private
Interview. I was ushered into Ihm An
tonio's room, where I found the minister
himself, the President and Johnny Carr.
As I entered and the arrant, on a sign
from bis exr-ellenry, placed a chair for
ana. Um latter said rather atiZj:
"As I presume this is a business visit,
Mr. Martin, it is more regular that I
should receive you in the presence of one
of my constitutional advisors. Mr. Carr
is acting as my secretary, and you can
speak freely before him."
I was annoyed at failing in my at
tempt to see the President alone, but not
wishing to show it, I merely bowed and
said:
"I venture to intrude on your excellen
cy, in consequence of a letter from my
directors. They inform me that, to use
their words, 'disquieting rumors' are
afloat on the exchanges in regard to the
Aureataland loan, and they direct me to
submit to your excellency he expediency
of giving some public notification rela
tive to the payment of the interest falling
due next month. It appears from their
communication that it is' apprehended
that some difficulty may occur in the mat
ter." "Would not this application, if neces
sary at all, have been more properly made
to the ministry of nuance iu the first
instance?" said the President. "These
details hardly fall within my province."
"I can only follow my instructions, your
excellency," I replied.
"Have you any objection, Mr. Martin,"
said the President, "to allowing myself
and my advisers to see this letter?"
"I am empowered to submit it only to
your excellency's own eye."
'Oh, only to my eye." said he, with an
amused expression. "That was why the
interview was to be private.'
"Exactly, sir," I replied. "I intend no
disrespect to the minister of finance or to
your secretary, sir, but I am bound by
my orders."
"You are an exemplary servant, Mr.
Martin. But I don't think I need trou
ble you about it further. Is it a cable?"
He smiled so wickedly at this question
that I saw he had penetrated my little
fiction. However, I only said:
"A letter, sir."
"Well, gentlemen," said he to the oth
ers. "I think we may reassure Mr. Mar
tin. Tell your directors this, Mr. Mar
tin. The government does not see any
need of a public notification, and none
will be made. I think we agree, gentle
men, that to acknowledge the necessity
of any such action would be highly deroga
tory. But assure them that the President
has stated to you, Mr. Martin, personally,
with the concurrence of his advisers, that
he anticipates no difficulties in your be
ing in a position to remit the full amount
of interest to them on the proper day."
"I may assure them, sir, that the inter
est will be punctually paid?"
"Surely I expressed myself in a manner
you could understand," said he, with the
slightest emphasis on the "you." "Au
reataland will meet her obligations. Y'ou
will receive all your due, Mr. Martin.
That is so, gentlemen?"
Don Antonio acquiesced at once. John
ny Carr, I noticed, said nothing and
fidgeted rather uneasily in his chair. I
knew what the President meant. He
meant, "If we don't pay, pay it out of
your reserve fund.'! Alas, the reserve
fund was considerably dimviished ; I had
enough, and just enough left, to pay the
next installment if I paid none of my
own debts. I felt very vicious' as I saw
his excellency taking keen pleasure in the
consciousness of my difficulties, but of
course I could say nothing. So I rose
and bowed myself out, feeling I had gain
ed nothing, except a very clear convic
tion that I should not see the color of the
President's money on the next interest
day. True, I could just pay myself. But
what would happen next time? And if
he wouldn't pay, and I couldn't pay, the
game would be up. As to the original
loan, it is true I had no responsibility;
but then, if no interest were paid, the
fact that I had applied a second loan,
my loan, in a manner different from that
which my instructions authorized and my
own reports represented, would be inevit
ably discovered. A ml rny acceptance of
the bonus, my dealings with the reserve
fund, all this would, I knew, look rather
quier to jeople who didn't know the cir
cumstances. When I went back to the bank, revolv
ing these things in my mind, I found
Jones employed in arranging the corre
spondence. It was part of his duty to see
to the preservation and filing of all letters
arriving from Europe, and, strange to say,
he delighted in the task. It was part of
my duty to see he did this; so I sat down
anil began to turn over the pile of letters
and messages which he had put on my
desk : they dated back two years; this sur
prised me, and I said:
"Rather behindhand, aren't you,
Jones?"
"Yes, sir, rather. Fact is, I've done
'em lefore, but as you've never initialed
'em, I thought I ought to bring 'em to
your notice."
"Quite right very neglectful of me. I
suppose they're all right?"
"Yes, fcir, all right."
"Then I won't trouble to go through
them."
"They're all there, sir, except, of course,
the cable about the second loan, sir."
"Except what?" I said.
"The cable about the second loan," he
repeated.
I was glad to be reminded of this, for
of course I wished to remove that docu
ment before the bundle finally took its
place among the archives. Indeed. I
thought I had done so. But why had
J-.nes removed it? Surely Jones was not
as skeptical as that?
"Ah, and where have you put that?"
"Why, sir. his excellency took that."
"What I" I cried.
Yen, sir. Didn't I mention it? Why,
the day after you and the President were
here that night, his excellency came down
in the afternoon, when you'd gone out to
the Piazza, and said he wanted it. He
said, sir, that you'd said it was to go to
the ministry of finance. He was rery af
fable, sir, and told me that it was neces
sary the original should be submitted to
the minister for his inspection; and as he
wa pasMing by he'd take it up himself.
Hasn't he given it back to you, sir? He
said he would."
"Slipped his memory, no doubt. All
right, Jones."
"May I go now, Rir?" said Jones. "Mrs.
Jones wanted me to go with her."
I saw all now. That old villain had
stolen the cable. And his excellency's
words came back to my memory, "I make
the most of my opportunities'."
CHAPTER VIII.
The next week was a busy one for me.
I spent it in scraping together every bit
of cash I could lay my hands on. If I
could get together enough to pay the in
terest on the $;500,000 supposed to be in
vested in approved securities really dis
posed of in a manner only known to his
excellency I should have six mouths to
look about me. Now remaining out of my
"bonus" was nil, out of my "reserve
fund" $10,000. This was enough. But,
alas, how happened it that this sum was
in my hands? Because I had borrowed
$0,000 from the bank ! If they wouldn't
let their own manager overdraw, whom
would they? So I overdrew. But if this
money wasn't back before the monthly
balancing, Jones would know ! And I
dared not rely on being able to stop his
mouth again. When I said Johnny Carr
was the only honest man in Aureataland
I forgot Jones. Jones also was honest,
and Jones would consider it his duty to
let the directors know of my overdraft.
If once they knew, I was lost, for tin over
draft effected privately from the safe by
the manager is, I do not deny it, decidedly
irregular. Unless I could add $5,000 to
my $H),00 before the end of the month
I should have to default !
This melancholy conclusion was re-enforced
and rendered demonstrable by a
letter which arrived, to crown my woes,
from my resjieeted father, informing me
that lie had unhappily become indebted to
our chairman in the stun of $10,000, the
result of n deal between them, that he
had seen the chairman, that the chairman
was urgent for payment, that he used
most violent language against our family
in general, ending by declaring his in
tention of stopping my salary to pay the
parental debt. "If he doesn't like it he
may go, and small loss." This was a
most unjustifiable proceeding, but I was
hardly in a position to take up a high
moral attitude toward" the chairman, and
in the result I saw myself confronted
with the certainty of beggary and the
probability of jail. But for this unto
ward reverse of fortune I might have tak
en courage and made a clean breast of my
misdoings, relying on the chairman's ob
ligations to my father to puli me through.
But now, where "was I? I was, as Donna
Antonia put it, very deep in indeed. So
overwhelmed was I by my position, and
so occupied by my frantic efforts to im
prove it, that I did not even find time to
go and see the Signorina, much as I need
ed comfort ; and, as the d'ys went on, I
fell into such despair that I went no
where, but sat dismally in my own rooms,
looking at my portmanteau, and wonder
ing how soon I must pack and fiy, if not
for life, at least for liberty.
At last the crash came.
I was sitting
iu my office one morning, engaged in the
difficult task of trying to make ten into
fifteen, when I hear dthe clatter of hoofs.
A moment later the door was opened,
and Jones ushered in Colonel McGregor.
I nodded to the Colonel, who came in with
his usual leisurely step, sat himself down,
and took off his gloves. I roused myself
to say :
"What can I do for you. Colonel?"
He waited till the door closed behind
Jones, and then said:
"I've got to the bottom of it at last,
Martin. That old scamp's villainy," said
he, jerking his thumb toward the Piazza
and the statae of the Liberator. "lie's
very cute, but he's made a mistake at
last."
"Do come to the point, Colonel. What's
it all about?"
"Would you be surprised to hear," said
the Colonel, adopting a famous mode of
speech, "that the interest on the debt
would not be paid on the 31st?"
"No, I shouldn't," said I, resignedly.
"Would you be surprised to hear that
no more interest would ever be paid?"
"What do you mean, man?" I cried,
leaping up.
"The President," said he, calmly, "will,
on the 31st instant, repudiate the national
debt I"
(To be continued.)
She Knew Her nuNlnenn.
He had been sweet on her for some
time and one evening he dropped lu
on his way home from the office.
"I hope you will excuse me for call
ing In my business suit," he said,
"but "
"Oh, that's all right." Interrupted the
fair maid, "that is, if you ineati busi
ness." A id the next day a downtown Jew
eler separated him from a month's sal
ary in exchange for the ring.
Another Yernlon.
Jack was Just about to build his fa
mous house.
"Why don't you get some men to help
you?" asked a curious friend.
"Xo, sir," replied Jack, "they would
call a strike on me before the house
was finished. I'll build it myself."
Thus we know why the house was
called "the house that Jack built."
Well, Ve.
Aramiuta (exhibiting the
cherub) Is there anything
family
sweeter
than a baby?
Young SiHHjnall Why, ! sometimes
think r baby's ls-ycar-old sister is ju.t
u Utile er "
Willlnic Martr.
Merchant I would le glad! to give
you the Ksition, oung man. but I
make It n rule to rtnploy married men
only.
Applicant Beg pardon, sir, hut have
you an unmarried daughter?
Life.
IPs Wife I'm awfully tired. I heavy, steady drawing, the light horse
sesit the afternoon nt my dressmaker's i less useful. Then, In price, the
trying to get a fit. (weight Is an Important Item. If a good
IIr Husband I'm tired too. I met horse weighs over 2,Cjf0 pounds he may
my tailor on the street and he gave' possibly sell for as much as $1 per
me fits.
Whl-t.
Eva Yes It was a long. Jong quar
rel, hut they made up wher they iut
H L l.ltr ..I!1 mine iiiit .fi.ii.-r iiiziil
.. . , . . ' ,
Edwin Ah. they hastened t
"bridge" over the different- elil
I
Created White Duoka,
Bulletin No. 04 of the Department
of Agriculture says of. the Crested
White duck :
The Crested White duck Is what may
be called an ornamental duck, much the
same as Polish chickens. They are
not bred to any great extent in this
country, and they are very seldom seen
in the showrooms. They have no es
pecial value to the farmer, as better
and more easily bred birds are to be
found in the Pekln and Aylesbury.
These ducks have a medium-sized
bead: medium-sized bill, a large, well
balanced crest upon the crown of. the
bead ; a rather long neck : a medium
length back ; breast, round and full ;
body, round, and of medium length;
CRESTED WHITE DUCK.
medium-length wings that smoothly
fold; hard, stiff tail feathers,, with
well-curled feathers In the tail of
drake; and short and stout thighs and
shanks. Their eyes are large and bright
and of a deep leaden blue or gray color.
The shanks, toes and webs are of a
light orangi color.
The standard weight of the adult
drake Is seven pounds ; adult duck, six
pounds ; young drake, six pounds, and
young duck, five pounds.
The Itnlilicr Covr.
Two cows cost $40 each a year for
keep. One of them yields 4.0i0 quarts
of milk a year, that bring $S0. The
other yields 1.200 quarts, that bring
$20. The latter loses about $14 and
reduces the gain on the former from
Sio' to $.12. Why do you keep that 1,200
qtiart cow? Y'ou would be better off with
the one that clears $40, for you would
have only half the investment, half the
work and half the feeding, and you
would gain $14 each year.
There would be no surplus butter on
the market for years to come and
prices would rule strong if all the
cows were eliminated which are kept
at a loss. Dairy farmers have not yet
half waked up to an understanding of
the great practical Importance of weed
ing out the unprofitable cows from their
herds. Many a man would make a fair
profit, that now faces constant loss, if
he would keep only such cows as pay
a profit on their keep.
Water Needed hy Corn.
Much interest litis lately been mani
fested in determining the exact amount
of water required for the growth of
plants. This is just as important In
the east as lu tin Irrigated region, for
we often have droughts which made
necessary the most careful cultivation
to prevent plants from differing. Pro
fessor Clothier has found that after
corn becomes two feet high each stalk
uses up three pounds of water a day
until the ears mature. This Is equiva
lent to an inch of rain a week. In
regions where the average rainfall Is
lower, and where a good, milky quality
of sweet corn is desired In the garden
during August and September, it is ob
viously necessary to have the soil In
the most perfect state of cultivation so
as to retain as much moisture as Is
needed.
Fattening; Stork.
Weight Is the main object of the
farmer In fattening stock for market,
and this weight Is easiest obtained by
feeding corn in order to produce fat.
Farmers have long been taught by ex
perience that fat Is a desirable quality,
and that it adds to the attractiveness
of a carcass on the stall. It has been
demonstrated at the experiment sta
tions, however, that the weight can be
secured at less cost, with a greater pro
portion of lean interspersed with the
fat, by feeding a nitrogenous ration,
which means that, in addition to a lib
eral supply of corn, an animal should
receive a variety of food that is not so
rich In oil. starch and sugar as Is corn.
This fact Is worthy of consideration.
IleaTr Horse-a.
The weight of a horse Is an Import
ant Item In estimating his value for
draft purposes, for the fine-loned horse,
with well-developnl muscles, may do as
much work as the heavy-boned one for
a short time, and Is even better for road
purpose. But in plowing, or otner
pound, and from 1,800 to 2.000 ponds.
for less, the price rapidly declining,
1,200 to 14500 pound horses selling at
fmm 10 to 30 cents per pound, though
j It Is considerably more than any other
I . , ,,, , .
'rrade of stork on the farm will bring
BrBoe "l ....
If the horse are well bred,
froflln of Middlemen.
Consumers of fruits and vegetables
In large cities are charged high prices
by the hucksters and grocers. In Chi
cago pearlies are selling retail for thir
ty-Jive or forty cents for a small basket
containing about twenty to twenty-five
peaches; other fruits and vegetables In
projiortlon. It would he Interesting to
farmers to know Just how much of this
Is booked as profits. Farmers get no
such prices; In fact they are lucky If
they get one-third of the prices now
prevailing In Chicago. Either some
class of handlers Is making exorbitant
profits or there Is an unnecessary ex
pense attached to the business of dls
tribution. It costs money to handle
produce. It requires storage, horses
and men, and none of these things are
cheap in the city, but there Is no good
reason why the consumer should pay
three hundred per cent profit on what
the farmers sell. Farm. Field and
Fireside.
A Splendid Wheat Crop.
The annual crop and business report
of the Commercial National Bank of
Chicago, covering the Mississippi Val
ley, and a few of the more Important
States of the Pacific coast, says. In
part:
"The wheat crop of 1000 will be
among the largest and best ever pro
dueed. The yield not only will bo
great, but the weight and quality will
be far beyond the ordinary. In these
respects It may be considered nearly
perfect. The period of uncertainty Is
closing rapidly and the crop may now
be called practically out of danger.
The yield of soft winter wheat Is large,
quality the finest and movement free.
Inasmuch as this movement has begun
early and all grains are now nearly or
quite on an export basis (with the ten
dency of prices downward), a large ex
port business may be. expected."
C u cum ltera.
I raise five crops instead of one on
the same ground, and on the same vines
with hardly any extra work. Plant in
the usual way. When a cucumber Is
taken from the vine let It be cut with a
kuife, leaving about an eighth of an
Inch of the cucumber on the stem. Then
slit the stem with a knife from its end
to the vine twice, leaving a small por
tion of the cucumber on each division.
On each separate slit there will be a
cucumber as large as the first. By tills
method you will only need one-fifth the
ground that you would need If grow
ing cucumbers in the old way. Walter
Strosnider lu Kpitomlst.
Market I nur Kami I'rodore.
A small farmer who has made a suc
cess of marketing his produce gives
sound and Ingenious advice in a recent
magazine. His preliminary work sug
gests Hannah Giasse's famous preface
to her instructions for cooking hare:
"First find a lady customer," is his ad
vice. To her sell nothing but the
choicest of fruit and produce. It will
not be long before sho will acquaint
her friends, and they in turn will pass
along the word to others. It pays to
sell nothing but t he best; the Inferior
produce can be fed to stock, and In a
short time the farmer will find he has
a good market and a good price, with
no leakage of profit to the middleman.
IIoK-lllnKinur Trap.
The frame for this hog-ringing trap
should 1h made of 2x4-inch lumber
bolted together at corners. The dlmen-
SIMPLE IIOC-BINCINO TRAT.
sions are 4 feet 2 inches long. 2 feet 4
Inches high and 1 foot 0 Inches wide.
There Is a sliding floor at the back end.
When the hog puts his head through
the hole In front, Jam the lever against
his neck.
The Farm Toolhonae.
No building on the farm pays better
than a good toolhouse. It should be so
convenient of access that there need be
no excuse for leaving farm Implements
exposed to the weather when not In
use. Properly cared for, many Imple
ments that now last only a few years
ought to be serviceable as long as the
farmer lives to need them. Besides, a
tool that has not been rusted, warped
and cracked by exiosure will work as
well the second and third year of use
as the first. On many farms the tools
are so much Injured by being left out
of doors that after the first season they
cost more for repairs than they save
In labor.
Ollln Ilarneaa.
To Rive harness a good finish satu
rate the leather with as much oil as It
will take, and then sponge the harness
with a thick lather made of rastile
soap. When dry, vlie gently with a
solution of gum tragacanth, which Is
made by lulling half an ounce of the
gum In two quarts of water, boiling
down to three pints, stirring freely
while It Is on the fire. When cool apply
it lightly on the leather.
IIott Aboat Iff
The eoreless apple
Has been born.
But who would ask
For cobles corn?
yw York San.
: Y :
"Arabella," called the father from
the head of the stairs, "Is that young
man gone?" "les, father. Complete
ly." Teacher Why did the ancients be
lieve the earth to be flat? Bright Boy
Cause they didn't have no school
globes to prove It was round.
"I, sir," began Bragg, "am a self
made man." "Yes," replied Wise, "but
why apologize now? That won't help
matters." Philadelphia Press.
Mrs. Madison How do you like your
new neighbors? Mrs. Dyer I don't
know. 1 haven't tried to borrow any
thing yet. Town and County.
DIggs I understand that HIggins la
quite ii clever financier. Biggs Well,
he Isn't. Why, that man never beat
anybody out of a cent In his life.
"Algy, don't you find married Ufa
more expensive than uaeneioriiooa :
"Well, it may be more expensive than a
rigidly single life, but it's cheaper than
courtship."
Senior Partner There's one thing to
be said In favor of classical music.
Junior Partner What Is that? Senior
Partner The ollice boy can't whistle it.
Chicago News.
Mrs. Flip I have Just been talking
to a specialist, and he says my brain
vitality has all gone Jo my long hair.
Do you believe It? Flip Well, er I
knew it had gone! Detroit Free Press.
Medical Student What did you op
erate on that man for? hniineiit Sur
geon Five hundred dollars. Medical
Student I mean, what did he liav-j?
Emlueiit Surgeon Five hundred dol
lars. Puck.
At the Garage. Boy Mr. Smith is
telephoning for his machine. Can you
send It to hi in to-day? Head Man
Don't see how we can. Why, this ma-
hine Is the only one around here lit to
use! Life.
"Is there any available substitute for
rubber?" asked the Instructor of the
class. "Yes, sir," answered .Miss Do
Muir, one of the fair coeds. "I think
stare' or 'gape' is Just as good." Chi
cago iribune.
Green I can not understand why De
Short wants a divorce. His wife had
nearly half a million when he married
her. Brown Y'es, and she has every
dollar of It yet. That s the trouble.
Chicago Daily News.
"Yes, I'm going to spend a few weeks
it Klosoman s summer resort. My
stomach Is all out of order, and I need
rest." "Well, your stomach will get
good rest there, too. I know the
place." Chicago 1 ribune.
"I supiose that some of your battla
II...I .''! I .1...
scenes are very reansuc- miu mn
sympathizer. "Yes," said the bum actor,
I have Impersonated Napoleon at
Waterloo several times when real shells
were bursting all about me. Kansas
City Times.
"Mamma, what are twins?" asked lit
tle Bobby. "Oh, I know,'' cinmeci mi
Dorothy, with all the superiority of an
elder sister. "Twins is two Imbles just
the same age; three Is triplets, four Is
luadrupeds and five Is centipedes."
Harper's Weekly.
You'll have to fix the poem over be
fore I can buy It, said tne editor.
There apiears to be something tho
matter with its feet. I would navo
. . .. t i . i. . i. .... i
you understand, sir, saui ine nam.
with dignity, "that I am a poet and not
chiropodist." Cleveland header.
"Tommy, what ancient king was It
who played on the fiddle while Koino
was burning?" "Hector, ma'am.' "No,
no not Hector." "Then It was I look."
"Duke? What do you mean, Tommy?"
"Well, then it must a' been Nero. I
knowed it wuz somebody with a dog's
name."
A reporter of the Paris Matin tried
to purchase a genuine Rockefeller in
terview with a check for $1,kk. Do
failed. The proper way to make an
American millionaire talk Is not t
offer him a thousand dollars, bqt to try
to get a thousand dollars away from
hi in Puck.
"1 would like n pound of your golf
sausage," she said to the butcher. "Golf
sausage? Sorry, madam, but we don't
handle It. We have blood sausage,
liverwurst, ham sausage, and other
kinds, but no golf sausage." "Oh, dear,
I'm so sorry. My husband said iia
much preferred the kind mnde In links."
Milwaukee Sentinel.
A little girl w as out walking w ith her
nunt one day. The aunt bowed to .i
man they were passing. "Who Is he.
Aunt Jennie?" nsked the little girl.
Mrs. I.Ittlelield told her that he was
Mr. Melrose, the village undertaker,
"tjh, yes." replied the child quickly. "I
reniemlier him. He undertook my
grandmother." IIarier's Bazar.
loaned.
"Dubley has an auto now and he
doesn't seem to do anything else but
chase around the country in it"
"Y'es, he's very strongly attached ta
his machine and "
"He wasn't the last time I saw him
on the road. He was about twenty
feet above It"
Not for Him,
"I thought you said that lawyer
would get my father's property for
me."
"Didn't he get It for youf
"No; but he got IL" Houston Poat.