Heppner Weekly Gazette
Published Every Thursday.
HEPPNER OREGON.
i .
They don't call It the problem play In
Paris; they refer to it as a character
study.
Modern methods of advanced Instruc
tion lu our schools have changed the
three R's to the three n's the hand,
the head, the heart.
! It has been said by a great thinker
that "money Is the great trouble In
America," and yet most everybody is
out hunting trouble.
I The Eastern man who killed himself
to avoid being married must have been
pursued by a widow. There are less
desperate ways of escaping a maiden.
i Enforced Idleness Is assigned as the
cause of six New York convicts going
insane. Weary Willie remarks that be
has heard of people going crazy with
Joy.
' It is now understood that Don Carlos
Is ready to take the throne Just as soon
as somebody else has performed the
menial labor of conducting a revolu
tion. If anybody Is in doubt as to when
the twentieth century begins let him
borrow on his note payable on the first
day of the new century. The bank will
Co the rest.
' The author of "Just Break the News
to Mother," who mnde $20,000 off that
production, may well say, "I care not
who makes the laws of a people, if I
may write their songs."
It Is said the Queen Regent has or
dered an American elevator for the roy
al castle. Uncle Sam will not be averso
to giving Spain a lift, even if it did
make itself a little obnoxious for a
while.
1 An agriculturist Is advocating the
treatment of country ronds with pe
troleum. If by tills means Its use can
be diverted from the lighting of kitchen
fires the experiment would be worthy
of encouragement.
Queer tilings: In England a candi
date "stands" for an office; in this
country lie "runs." The supposition Is
that with us any man who waits for an
office to run after him might have to
wait for a long time.
A society lias been formed In Tarls
whoso business It will be to furnish a
fourteenth guest for dinner parties
numbering thirteen guests. Alas, how
seriously those frivolous Parisians take
the little amenities of life.
I A man who got tired of carrying
around f450,(l(Hi,0(M) In greenbacks and
bonds applied ot the Chicago subtreas
ury for relief and wos respectfully re
ferred to the banks. Merely as an ex
periment a great ninny ieoplo would
not object to having a "tired feeling"
of that kind for a time.
I No one can study the food supply of
the British Isles without feeling certain
that English statesmen will always go
to extreme lengths to prevent war or
eerieus troublo of any kind with the
United States. They must avoid, nt all
hazards, the loss of American food for
the swarming millions of British cities.
f A New York clergyman recently
chose as the subject of his Sunday ad
dress, "What Is a Fool?" If lie really
wants to know It might bo suggested
that some of them are trying to draw
packed houses with sensational "ser
mons," and more of thorn are paying
big money for the alleged religion
.which such preachers foist upon them.
' What Is most exasperating about tho
caseH of Insanity among convicts
caused by Idleness Is the fact that
prison labor can be arranged so as to
nmko the competition with free labor
Insignificant. By condemning convicts
to idleness in order to prevent such
comiH'tltlon, society Imposes cruel and
Inhuman punishment on prisoners. The
puppet-ting of convicts at public ex
pense Is more of n burden on labor than
the competition would bo If tho labor
should be diversified.
A Havana impor, the Discission, de
scribes the finding of fifty liunun skele
tons lu a well near Magulto, Cuba, and
says that their attitude and appear
ances wore such as to convey the Im
pression that the persons were thrown
In while alive. The mime paper also
ays that the remains of between two
and three hundred people were found
In a well near Matanzas. Thus the evi
dence accumulates that the United
(States was Justified in kicking the
flpanlnrds out of tho Island and ending
the reign of mediaeval barbarity at our
doors.
The enormous expense of tho Im
provements lu nrmament which are
seen to be Imperatively needed unless
some International agreement to re
strict military and naval expenditures
can be reached Is In Itself a very good
reason for believing that practical re
sults may not lie far distant. No mili
tary or naval authority can presume to
set limits to the demands for money to
be used In preparations for war, If the
present competition Is to go on without
chock. That Is enough to stagger states
men and create un effective public sen
timent In favor of soino concerted
movement lu the direction of disarma
ment. English Justice has long been lauded
especially by American Aiiglomant-bcs-iis
Ideal. And as betweou two
commoners the British courts undoubt
edly dispense a good article of Justice.
But when a lord or a nobleman of high
er rank Is Involved It Is different. The
sensational suit against the Duke of
Portland illustrates the point. The
Duke's title Is challenged by Sidney
Druce, a sailor, who may or may not bo
another Arthur Orton. Druce claims
to be the real duke, and, without going
Into details, the case may lie said to
hinge upon oue fact: Whether a certain
coffin contains the body of the fifth
Duke of Portland, or whether It Is tilled
Willi bricks. In the latter case Druee's
puna will be greatly strengthened. But
though the court has made an Initial
order for the opening of the coffin other
courts have Interposed, and now It is
announced that au act of parliament
will be necessary to authorize the pro
ceeding. If the case had been reversed
will anyone doubt the result? Would au
act of parliament have been necessary
to open a commoner's coffin? And in the
meantime will anyone doubt that the
Duke in possession will take advan
tage of the delay to arrange for a body
to be found in the coffin, providing it
does not contain one already?
The main plaza of San Juan, Porto
Rico, recently saw a strangely unwont
ed sight the presentation of American
flags to the various schools of the city.
Principals, teachers, scholars even the
small lads of the orphan asylum al'
were there. Marching at the head ot
each school was a youthful and whe
can doubt? supremely proud bearer ol
tho standard the emblem of new
hopes, aspirations and wider possibili
ties. There are, it Is stated, six hun
dred schools public and private on
tho islund and to each a flag Is to be
given. Is it too much to hope that, in
due season, childish voices will make
Its significance vocal in mind and
heart?
A writer in the Forum, who an
nounces 'himself as having been a
tramp, "with no literary or sociolog
ical motives," defines and differentiates
that particular genus as follows: "A
tramp is not a hobo; a hobo is not a
tramp; a vagrant is neither, and a
criminal is none of these." The tramp's
sole object In life is to "have a little
fun," but without that work which
most of us find a necessary prelude to
true enjoyment. Work he despises,
and not even the pangs of hunger will
Induce him to engage in it when it is
made a preliminary to a promised meal.
The hobo is, in most cases, a man who
Is driven to the road from want of that
which the tramp loathes work. He is
a victim of circumstances, and not a
social parasite. The vagrant Is a
loafer in towns and cities so long as he
finds It safe and profitable. He is
often a "grafter" that Is, a creature
who simulates lameness and cutaneous
diseases in order to excite pity and
charity, and Is apt to be addicted either
to drink or opium. The hobo Is never
a "grafter;" the tramp rarely. The
writer thinks "the tramp should le
given up as hopeless," to be helped or
denied, as those to whom he appeals
may feel Inclined. But he pleads for
the holx). "lie Is young," he says; "ho
can work; he Is Inclined to work."
Manhood and self-respect are not dead
within him, and sympathy and oppor
tunity given hlin may save for society
a worthy memlior.
Belgium, like Holland, Is a little king
dom surrounded by powerful states
with mighty armies. It Is what Is known
ns a neutral buffer state between the
two great rivals, Germany and France
European treaty law has done what It
can to protect its territory agolnst Inva
sion from any quarter, but the fate of
Denmark In 1804, when Prussia and
A ustrla united tnnttacklnglt, Is a warn
ing that the most solemn pledges of
diplomacy are sometimes wnntonly
broken. Belgian policies are Identical
with those of Holland. Tho kingdom
has no foreign alliances, is absorlwd In
its own affairs, avoids any occasion for
giving offence to any great power, and
devotes Its energies to the enlargement
of Its commerce. It has an empire In
the heart of Africa known as the Kongo
Free State, and it Is anxious to buy tho
Canary Islands from Spain and to
strengthen Its nnvy. It Is forced to nci
cautiously from fear of creating 111
feeling In France, Germany or England.
The King of the Belgians Is one of the
wisest rulers in Europe, and the nation
owes much to his sagacity. He has
traveled widely, and he lias used his
eyes wherever he has gone. His one
disappointment, ns he Is never weary
of telling American ministers In Brus
sels, Is his Inability to plan a long Jour
ney to the United States. "It may not
yet he too late," he usually adds, with a
smile. King Leopold II. is the founder
of tho Kongo Free State. Without this
vast project Belgium would lune been
Inferior to Holland as a colonial power.
He was ridiculed as a royal India-rub
ber merchant when he starter that
greot undertaking, but he was In rea'ity
the only far-sighted Belgian. The Im
portance of Belgium has been largely
increased and her position In Europe
has boon strengthened by her African
possessions. The King Is a man with a
capacity for largo Ideas. His minis
tors are always frightened by his plans,
He Is not obstinate, but Is always will
lng to bide his time. After trying to
substitute projects of their own for
those fa von d by him, his ministers u u
ally confess that bis Judgment was bet
ter than theirs. This lias happened not
only in the Kongo enterprise, but also
lu the recent undertakings for linprov
lng Brussels and converting It Into i
handsome, spacious capital. The King
at 03 Is the most useful citizen In Bel
glum a wise ruler, with real genius
for tho business of state.
Titles lor Officials.
Why does every official who digs his
nose Into the government trough to tho
extent of $4,000 or $3,000 per year have
a handle to his name? The Asslstai.
Secretaries of the various departments
are never called by their proper names,
It Is uhrnys "Mr. Secretary."
The chief of a $2,000 bureau Is never
addressed ns Mr. Joues or Mr. Smith
but as "Chief." The Vice President Is
not addressed ns his station Implies,
but always as "Mr. President." Tin
First, Second, Third and Fourth As
slstaut Postmaster Generals are "Gen
oral." In and out of office they are ad
dressed as such. -New York World.
Iltttle Kisses.
There are eight kinds of kisses men
t toiled lu scripture: Salutation U Sam
xx. 41, 1 Thess. v. 20) ; valediction (Ruth
1. 0); reconciliation (2 Sam. xtv. 33)
subjection tPs. II. 12); approbation
(Prov. xxlv. 20); adoration (1 Kings xlv,
18); treachery (Matt. xxvl. 4t); affec
tion (On. xlv. 15).
Water from the Jordan.
An establishment has been opeued lu
Paris for the sale of the water of tho
River Jordan for baptism, when the
parents desire to use It, and can afford
to purchase It.
bug exterminator that doesn't tx
terminate is a hum bug.
ECONOMIC COMMISSION FOR UNCLE SAM'S COLONIES
The new colonial commission, which
is composed of three men from the three
the former Congressman from the Eighth
Cumberland and the Shenandoah. When
lawyer, lie wns internal revenue collector in 1878 and lieutenant governor of Ohio in 188o. He is prominent as a jurist in
Ohio. Charles W. Watkins, of Grand Rapids, Mich., has been long well known to Secretary Alger, who feels he can rely
implicitly on the sounil judgment of the colonial commissioner from Michigan, as well as on that of the two other gentlemen
who make up its personnel. The third member of the commission, Lieut. Col. Curtis Guild Jr., of Boston, is engaged in
Cuba ns inspector general on the staff of Gen. Lee. Col. Guild is a son of the editor of the Boston Commercial Bulle
tin and is well known in Massachusetts.
The commission's headquarters will
economic than political. They will concern the granting of franchises, the supervision of public works and of engineering
enterprises, which are now rapidly multiplying in the new territories, with a promise
not less than nppalling to the war office.
GOVERNOR OF PENNSLYVANIA.
His Rise from Poverty and Obscurity
to Wealth and Distinction.
When Hon. W. A. Stone, newly elect
ed Governor of Pennsylvania, took the
oath of office and assumed the reins
of State government there entered the
executive mansion at Harrisburg a
man who has climbed to his present
high position over unusual obstacles of
poverty and difficulties and who may
truthfully be called "a self-made man."
His parents were Pennsylvania
WUEItB STONE WAS BOBN.
tanners, highly respected, but poor.
Through all of the early years of his
boyhood he had but three months of
each year nt school, and that a little
country one; the remaining nine
months he lore his share of the bur
dens Incident to a farm. At 17 he en
listed in the war, and came out, at the
close of hostilities, two years later, a
second lieutenant. Then for several
terms he taught school during the day
time and at night studied until the woe
Bina' hours fitting himself for his pro
fession, the law. He was admitted to
practico In 1870. For the next twenty
years lie was an active uiciur m me
Mltlcs of his State and lu 1800 he was
elected to Congress, where he remalued
until he resigned to become chief ex
ecutive to one of tho greatest common
wealths of the Union.
The executive mansion at Harris
burg Is sure to lie the scene or many
brilliant social functions under the
regime of its new mistress. Mrs. Stone
loves society and Is never happier than
when dispensing the hospitality of her
home. Their Washington residence
was not nearly so pretentions as the
executive mansion, of which we pre
sent our readers a picture, but during
the eight years In which Gov. Stone
was In Congress It was always a favor
ite resort with society, and Mrs. Stone's
dinners and receptions were among the
notable ones of the season.
Gov. Stone has been married twice.
By his first marriage there were two
children, Stephen Stone, a Pittsburg
attorney, and Mrs. I tickling, of Wash
ington. As Miss Harriet Stone, Mrs.
Illckllng was one of the capital's reign
ing belles, her sweet disposition and
womanly graces making her then what
she Is now, a great social favorite. She
married Dr. D. P. Hlckling, an emin
ent physician of Washington, and they
SXKCl ItVK MANSION, UAKKlSHVKO.
have two bright little oues, a dainty
daughter of 4 and a robust boy of 2.
By his second marriage Gov. Stoue has
had six children, four of whom are liv
ing. Miss Jean, a vivacious girl of 14
and her younger sister, Miss Margaret,
are attending boarding school ot Lake
Forest. John, a handsome lad of 12,
Is very like his distinguished father
both lu looks and wanner, while Is
"2u
is to have general supervision of the affairs
States of Ohio, Michigan and Massachusetts. Gen. Robert Patterson Kennedy is
District of Ohio. He served in the armies
he was mustered out he returned to his
be located in Washington. The peculiar functions of the commission will be more
bella, the baby of 7, completes this in
teresting family group.
THE COTTON KING.
Robert Knight a Product of
the
Growth of Modern Industry.
Robert Knight Is one of the most re
markable products of the growth of
modern industry. He Is commonly
called the "Cotton King," and he de
serves the name, Inasmuch as he Is the
largest mill owner in the world. He is
the Individual proprietor of 450,000
spindles, 11,000 looms, and fifteen vil
lages. He owns everything In these
villages, and to all intents and pur
poses the villagers, too. "Bob" Knight,
as he Is familiarly known, is now 73
years old, and would never be taken
for the absolute master of the cotton
Industry. His living expenses are cov
ered by a sum the equivalent of a
clerk's salary. When Knight was a lad
he was a bobbin boy In a New England
mill. Summer and winter he went
barefooted to his work. His brother
Brayton opened a small store In one of
the mill towns and prospered. He took
Robert In as a partner. The future
mill owner wns thrifty. He had saved
much and was in comfortable circum
stances when a took a position as a
clerk In a Fontlac cotton mill. His em
ployer was elected to the United States
Senate. Knight rented the mill for
$5,000 a year. At the end of a few
years he bought It out for $14,000. This
was the nest egg of his tremendous for-
tune. In business Robert is close and
exacting. He likes to drive good bar
gains, and even looks with great care
after the grocery bills of his own house
hold. He has no yacht, no "tiger," no
oil paintings. He never gives away
anything he can use, and finds use for
everything he has.
THE ROMANS.
Built Aqueducts Solely Because They
Had No Suitable Pipes.
Teople forgetful of the real status of
mechanical economy lu the time of the
Romans have ofteu' expressed wonder
that they built expensive aqueducts
when, It Is proved, they knew the hy
drostatic principle that water rises al
ways to Its own level.
The principle reason undoubtedly
was that they had no suitable material
to make pipes which would stand the
enormous pressure Inseparable from an
underground system. Lead wns out of
the question for the purpose because
the pipes would have to be made s
disproportionately thick, and, besides,
water flowing for miles through lead
would 1h poisonous. Short Wad and
clay pipes were used by them In their
titles and houses for the supply of
baths, but without cast Iron, which
they did not possess, they could not
have made pipes to carry water long
distances. Lastly, the water brought
to Rome was strongly Impregnated
with lime, and this would have caused
a great Incrustation In pipes and neces
sitated frequent opening and cleaning,
whereas an aqueduct, once built,
would, as events have proved, last for
a very long time with a very moderate
amount of repairs.
It Is a very refined woman Indeed who
does not admire a minstrel man.
A AsSrits
Aw vWt
ROBERT KNIOnT.
of the Philippines, Porto Rico and Cuba,
of West Virginia, the Potomac,. tne
home at Bellefontaine and became a
of development in tne future tnai is
HILLIS GOES TO BROOKLYN.
Chicago's Brilliant Preacher Called to
the Pulpit of Plymouth Church.
Chicago's brilliant preacher has been
called to the pulpit of Plymouth
Church, Brooklyn, made famous by
Henry Ward Beecher and recently va
cated by Lyman Abbott. The friends
of Rev. Dr. Newton Dwight Hlllls ex
pect that he will achieve the same
measure of renown and popularity as
did the illustrious men whom he suc
ceeds. Dr. nillls Is a native of Iowa and 40
years old. He was educated at Grln
nell Academy, at Lake Forest Unlver-
slty, and at McCormick Seminary. For
three years after leaving his theological
studies he was pastor of the First Pres
byterian Church of Peoria, 111. Within
that time he built a new church at a
cost of $50,000. From 1800 to 1804. he
preached from the pulpit of the First
Church of Evanston, Ind., where he
likewise upreared a new church build
ing. In December, 1894, he succeeded
Frof. Swing, of Central Church, Chi
cago. The new pastor of Plymouth will
preach In Brooklyn the same creed he
has preached In Chicago. It is the creed
of broadest Christianity and humanity,
the creed of Beecher. Dr. Hlllls is also
a writer and has been well called "the
poet-preacher of the end of the cen
tury." "PROPHETESS OF EVIL."
The High Priestess of the Dreyfusards
Predicts France's Ruin.
Georglana Weldon is the latest Paris
Ian sensation. She has written a
pamphlet which involves those army
men who have said that Dreyfus is
guilty, and In which she predicts the
downfall of the nation.
This woman has been the scourge of
a few great men In her time and the
puzzle of courts and specialists in psy-
chlstry. In 18(2 she was a concert
singer In London, and on the occasion
of Gounod's visit there she spread the
report that the German composer was
about to become a British subject. It
was all Gounod could do to persuade
his fellow countrymen to the contrary.
She claimed Gounod's compositions as
her own and secured a Judgment
against him for $50,000 in the English
courts. She sued Rochefort for libel,
was committed to insane asylums,
which slie sued Immediately on being
released. She was sent to a convent,
OBOKQIAXA WKLDOH.
where she still resides, but there are
Dreyfusards who desire to carry her
through the streets of Paris in
chariot.
Children's Eyesight.
Official tests of the eyesight of Baltl
more school children tests ordinarily
used by oculists to the number of 53,-
007 show some Interesting and suggest
ive results. More than 9,000 pupils
were found to have such defects la
these organs as to make school work
unsafe, while 53 per cent of the chil
dren were found not to be In the en
joyment of normal vision. Curiously
enough, this percentage of defective
eyesight steadily decreased with the
age of the pupils. The percentage of
normal vision was found to be as fol
lows In the different grades: First
grade, 35; second, 41; third, 47; fourth,
41); fifth. 48; sixth, 4S; seventh, 64;
eighth, 50. No explanation Is offered
for this Improvement In eyesight with
sge and the use of the eyes under
school conditions. It was found, how
ever, that many blackboards and maps
In the schools were not placed In the
proper light, and the report of the ocu
lists recommends yearly examinations
hereafter of the pupils' eyesight; also
the adoption of a uniform system of
adjustable seats and desks adapted to
the heights of tb children.
SR. NEWELL DWIGHT HILLIS.
LET US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS
VARIOUS HUMORISTS.
OF
Pleasant Incidents Occurring; the
World Over Sayings that Are
Cheerful to the Old or Young-Funny
Selections that You Will Enjoy.
The Only Safe Way.
She I don't see why they
keep
women out of secret societies.
He-Plain enough. To keep the se
crets in.
Tn Her Line.
"My girl received New Year's calls
from lots of men she never saw."
"She does? Why, I should think "
"Oh, that's all right. She works In a
telephone office."
Hla Experience.
"Cooks," said the suburbanite, "may
be divided into two classes those who
resent criticism and those who ignore
it."-Puek.
He Wanted to Know.
The Doctor Always sleep with your
head to the south.
Mulcahey And phwich way will Ol
put me fate?
Not at All Modest.
Sniff What kind of a fellow Is this
man, Bumpshun? It strikes me that
he is disgustingly in love with himself.
Snarle He is. Thinks he's a great
figure In the world. He believes that
when he builds a good fire In bis sit
ting room stove the cold wave will
immediately get out of the State.
Puck.
Often the Way.
"They kept company for a long time
before they were married."
"Yes, and they've kept it most of the
time since. Her relatives seem bound
to live on them."
The Hero-in-Chief.
Little Edgar Papa, who was the
greatest hero of the war?
Papa Captain Bibblcson, I guess,
His magazine story is three pages
longer than any of the rest of them
have written. Chicago News.
A Fl fcht Mistake.
"An elephant," dictated the editor
fond of quoting curious little items of
information, "has over nine hundred
muscles In its trunk."
But either the typewriter's hearing or
her system of phonography was defect
ive, for the next morning out came the
extremely startling piece of int.-lli
gence:
"Ann Oliphant has over nine hundred
bustles in her trunk."
Another Sufferer.
"I was Injured, ma'am, by the burst
ing of a magazine," said the wayworn
tourist who was eating a cold luncheon
in the kitchen.
"In the war?"
"No, ma'am," he answered. "In New
York city. The silent partner refused
to put up for It any longer. I was one
of the editors."
His Independence.
"What a bad cold you have, Bene
dict!"
"Yes; my mother-in-law got to dicta
ting when the family should put their
winter flannels on."
"Did you put yours on?"
"No that's It. I had them on, and
when she got so arbitrary I went and
took them off." Puck.
In Kansas.
First Citizen I heard he got to be a
road agent."
Second Citizen "Worse than that!
He's a railroad agent." Puck.
A Clear Case.
4.
'A
i.Ti
v if
iff?
"What makes you think your uncle
Was Insane? He left you $10,000, didu'
he?"
"Yes. But, plague take him, he left
$100,000 to charity!"
Well Received.
Ottinger How did old Manyblessed
take It, last night, when you told him
you wished to marry his eldest daugh
ter?
t Heurlques 1 rather Imagine he wish
ed that I was a Mormon. ruck.
Fhe Proved It.
He The proposal I have to make
could wait, but "
She Well a er what ?
"It is said that 'now Is the accepted
time.' Is It?"
It was.
It Wasn't Like Her.
Husband What's that you are read
lng?
Wife It's a letter from mother.
Husband And what does she say?
Wife Oh, not much of anything.
Husband You are trying to deceive
me. It's a cold day when your mother
hasu't anything much to say.
A Highly Colore 1 Affair.
I "What a lot of bashful girls there
' were at Miss Budd's yesterday after
noon, and how they all blushed."
"Of course they did. Wasn't It
i pink te ?" .
Jf:
AsMW'
The Plumber's Revenis, ,
"Why don't you paragraphers give us
a rest?" said the plumber to the funny
man, as he presented his bill.
"You evidently Intended to say,
'Why don't we give you the rest?" " re
plied the funny man, as he glauead at
the figures.
Bravery His Business.
"Did you tell that young man that
there are microbes In a kiss?" said
Maud.
"Yes," answered Mamie. "But he
has a refutation to sustain as a hero.
He doesn't dare be afraid of anything."
Washington Star.
Which One Governsl
"Now, then, government by conjunc
tion "
"You mean government by lnjanc-
tlou." i
"No, I don't; I was thinking of m itru
many."
M3h!" Indianapolis Journal.
Of Course They Have.
Smith Did you notice that peculiar
sign on the door we just passed? 1
Jones No; what was It
Smith Orphans court.
Jones I fail to see anything pecrdiar
about that. Orphans have as mucn
right to court as other people, haven t
they? i
i
He Wasn't Prepared.
"Would vou advise me to tale an
ocean trip, doctor?" asked the invalid.
"No," was the reply; "I think a series
of mud baths would benefit you more.
"Rut. doctor." said the sick man, in
tones that savored of hopelessness and
despair, "I can't afford to go into poli
tics." '. ,
One Left.
"How do you like your new cook?"
"Oh, so, so. She is dirty, she has no
Idea of cooking, and she smashes every
thing around her; but still she has one
govd and rare quality." ;
"What is that?"
"She stays with us." Fliegende Blat
ter.
No One to Dun Him.
"The man who pays as he goes baa
one advantage over the other fellow."
"What's that?"
"He can rest When he gets there."
Puck.
A Wise Fellow.
Miss Fourleaf Are you marrying mi
for myself alone?
Brlcktfyp You bet. Don't get It into
your he.d for a minute that I'm marry
ing you for your father or mother, or
any of your poor relations.
On the Street. I
Upton Your son has gone to specula'
ting in stocks, I hear? . .
Downtown Yes; mighty smart boy
George Is, I can tell you.
"Doing well, eh?" I
"Splendidly! Wonderfully! He'8
been on the street for three months and
Isn't broke yet."
i
A Powerful Agent.
"Talk about the police being incapa
ble," said he; "look how quickly they
have broken up that crowd. It Is melt
ing like Ice before a furnace."
"You are mistaken, my friend," re
plied the man of observation, "there is
not a policeman In sight"
"What is It, then?"
"Merely an outdoor entertainment of
some kind and one of the performers
la just going round with the hat."
Tlt-BJts.
Fo They Do.
"Mrs. Puffy has such a fine figure,
one can hardly judge of her age. But I
believe she's older than she looks."
"So, you believe that, after all, fig
ures do sometimes He."
A Bad Actor.
Old Horsey It seems to me that
young man of yours Is very slow get
ting away nights.
Maud Horsey He is a bit kittenish,
father; he was at the post thirty-five
minutes last night, but I didn't have
the heart to rule him off. Puck.
A Harsh Criticism.
"Miss Piper Is very proud of hei
voice."
"I should say so. There's the sound
of a crow every time she sings."
Ra ted That Way.
"He seems bred to be a loafer."
"Then he should not be kneaded."
"Still, there's one good thing about
him he has the tin."
He Was "Next."
Smith Smart Is a pretty slick Indi
vidual, but I managed to get ahead of
him to-day. v
Brown How did you do It?
Smith By getting to the barber shop
first.
An Anecdote of Charles O'Connor.
Charles O'Connor had a habit at
Nantucket of pacing alone, for an hour
at a time, up and down the deserted
wharves of the old town, and, with his
hands thrust in his pockets and his hat
pulled down on the back of his head,
he appeared utterly lost in thought.
During one of these walks a visitor to
the place chanced to wander down th.
wharf, and was drawn Into conversa..
tlon by the celebrated lawyer. Mr,.
O'Connor spoke of his attachment to
the Island on account of the wonderful
ly tonic effect of the air upon him, and
his decision to make the place, hla
home. During the conversation th
suggestion was made that It wan
strange he was not lonely in so quiet
a place after such a busy life in New
York. Mr. O'Connor quickly replied:
"I do not despise society, but I could
be happy on the island of Juan Fernan
dezeven without the man Friday."
Some men are so dignified that they
never unbend until they are dead
broke.
It Isn't likely that Solomon succeed
ed In convincing all his wives that
word to (be wise was sufficient. .
. ivy