FOR HIS
THE jury had retired to consider
their verdict, and those remaining
lu court were discussing In ex
cited whispers what would be the re
sult of their decision.
At length It came: "Guilty!"
The prisoner at the bar turned paler,
and clutched the dock for support;
while the judge assumed the b'.ack cap
and pronounced sentence.
"Richard Clood, you have been found
guilty of murder upon evidence which,
I think, can leave no doubt In the mind
of any person who has been present in
the court and heard It."
Then followed the last dread sen
tence. " ; ' ;
"Could there be a fairer daughter of
Eve? If I could only win her!"
Clarence Bolton gazed with eyes of
passionate love upon a beautiful, girl
ish figure, just retreating with a tea
tray from the rustle arbor in which he
was seated.
Clarence Bolton was a pedestrian,
and devoted his Saturday half-holidays
to tramps In the country. In the course
of one of these, he had entered a rustic
cottage In Kent, where teas were pro
vided for travelers and pedestrians.
Here he had met his fate, Nellie Gould.
Clarence had resolved over and over
again to declare his passion, but his
courage had as often failed him at the
critical moment. That one moment In
the lover's calendar advantageous
above all others came at length, and he
seized It.
He had met with an accident and
ripped the sleeve of hia Jacket. He
asked Nellie for needle and thread. She
not only brought both, but offered to
do the stitching for him.
The compact was scaled In the little
arbor.
Many happy weeks passed. There al
ways seemed to be one shadow, how
ever, In their pathway Mrs. Gould.
She wore an air of perpetual sadness
and gloom, from which not even her
daughter's happiness could arouse her.
"Why Is your mother always so sad?"
Clarence one day asked.
"Poor mother? Haven't you ever
heard? I never like to speak about It,
but but my father was murdered."
"Murdered:" exclaimed Clarence In
horror.
"Murdered. It's many years ago now
I was only a little child at the time
and my mother never speaks of It now.
But can you wonder at her sadness?"
"No, Indeed. But who was the mur
derer?"
"A wretched man named Clood. He
was tried, found guilty and hanged."
"Thank heaven for that. Well, Nel
lie, when we are married we must have
your mother always with us and try to
make up for the sorrow she has
known."
When he left the cottage that even
ing Nellie Gould had promised to be
his brHe In a month's time.
A happier man than Clarence Bolton
when he entered the shop of his guar
dian on the evening following It would
have been difficult to find.
William Seex was a prosperous
tradesman who had taken a deep Inter
est In the young fellow's career, and
Clarence had therefore considered It his
first duty to acquaint him with the
step he had Just taken.
"So long as you are happy, my bey,
that's all I care for," said the old man,
heartily, when Clarence had told his
story. "You've been a good lad and
deserve a good wife. But what's her
name? You haven't told me her name."
"Oh, I kept that till the last," saM
Clarence with a laugh. "It's a very
pretty name, I can tell you. What do
you think of Nellie?"
"'Taln't bad sounding. What's the
other part of It?"
"Gould-Nellie Gould. Hallo, what's
up?"
"Gould? You didn't say that. Has
she a father?"
"No, poor girl. He was murdered
years ago by a man named Clood. Ter
rible. Isn't It?"
"Terrible yes."
Mr. Seex strode up and down the
' i
CLARUNCK 110LTON
MEETS BIS FATE.
room lu a state of great agitation. Then
ho paused and looked pltlngly at
Clarence.
"l'oor boy poor boy," he said.
"What Is there to pity? Why, I'm
one of the happiest men In creation."
"Listen, Clarence. I must tell you
though, heaven knows, I would rather
cut out my own tongue your real
name Is Clood, not Bolton, and
and "
"Go on; quick, man, quick. Let me
hear It all," cried Clarence.
"And the man who murdered Gould
was your father."
Clarence covered his face with his
hands, while Mr. Seex told him the rest
of the story told him how he, out of
oeep pity ior me Doy, naa cnanged his
uaiue, cuucaieu win anu urougm mm
op more as a son than the child of a
stranger.
"Don t take It too much to heart, lad.
What your father did Is nothing to do ;
with yon. There's no disgrace resting
1.yo . , ,
No disgrace resting on him! Clarence
shuddered, but took bis guardian's
hand between his own and pressed It
gratefully.
How was he to act? Should he mar
ry Nellie and say nothing of his se
cret? Were he to do so, she might some
day discover It and then she could
1 -
only curse h'm. Should be, on the other
hand, confess to Iter everything, and
leave her to the responsibility of decid-:
lug whether or not the tie between
FATHER'S
uiem fcriouiil be broken? No; that was
a responsibility he had no right to
piace upon her shoulders.
A couple of days later Nellie Gould
received a registered letter In which
was enclosed $1,500. The letter accom
panying It was brief
"Dear Nellie I am compelled to leave
the country through no fault of my
own. I shall never see you again, but
my auectiou for you will always be the
same. I shall love you until the day of
in; death. The money I send is yours.
Have no hesitation in taking It, for It
was to have been expended on our
home. Mnrry some happier man than
"CLARENCE BOLTON."
Fifteen years had passed. Nellie
Gould was now Mrs. Elliott, a middle
aged matron, with three bright-eyed
children. The los sof her lover years
ago had come upon her at first with
crushing force, and she had hoped to
hear from him again. Then, after a
further lapse of time, she had followed
her old lover's request, and married
p- ft-
WWV
mm
a cji-. ill nut
.
MP
7tMMW-1WVi
ME LOOKED PITYINGLY AT CI.A11ENCB.
another. With the $1,500 they started
a little shop together. It grew and
grew until It became one of the most
flourishing businesses In Elton.
When the shop was closed In the
evening her husband would usually go
to the Chequers Inn, at the end of the
town, In order to discuss the events of
the day with his brother tradesmen.
Returning one evening, he found a
beggar resting on the doorstep of his
shop. His hair and beard were quite
white, his skin wrinkled, and his
cheeks hollow. He appeared to be quite
worn out.
John Elliott was a kindly hearted
man, and now he was touched with
pity. He Invited the man Into the
house and gave him some supper. This
the wanderer scarcely touched, but fol
lowed with eager eyes the figure of
Mrs. Elliott.
Then he adroitly gained from John
particulars about his family. lie had
two sons and one girl, John told him.
The eldest boy was named Clarence.
"He Is named after an old sweet
heart of the wife's. It was her wish,
and I respected it; for he seems to hare
been a good sort of fellow. We owe
whatever fortune we have to him. His
money gave us our first start In mar
ried life."
The stranger's hand wandered to his
eyes. Had the other been watching he '
would have seen a tear trickling down
the furrowed cheek.
"As you have l)een kind enough to
give me a bed for the night may I ask
one other favor? I would like to see
that boy of yours Clarence, I mean
before I go to-morrow. May I?"
Tne next morning the three children
were Introduced to the stranger. He
took them In his arms and kissed them
In turn. At Clarence he gassed long and
earnestly, sat him upon his knee and
fondled him; and then, while Mrs.
Elliott's back was turned, seized a pair
of scissors and cut off a piece of the
boy's curly hair, which he secreted In
his pocket.
Two days after a body was found
close to the cottage where Nellie bad
lived with her mother so many years
ago. it was that or the beggar. An In-
niioot waa nt1l nut Tlinin ivorn nr
. ..' . . ... v " .
means 01 establishing it sidentlty.
The undertaker found, suspended
otcr the heart, in a little silk bag, two
locks of hair one evidently that of a
woman, the other that of a child; and
though a parish undertaker is not sup
posed to have much sentiment he did
not disturb them from their resting
place.
Of Interest to Skaters.
Al experienced skating teacher lays
great Importance upon the kind of
shoes worn. "A great deal Is said," he I
remarked, "about .properly supporting I
the ankle, and people complain that
they cannot skate because their ankles 1
are weak. Now, In at least five out of 1
ten of those cases, there is nothing at
all the matter with either ankle or Its
support The trouble Is right here,")
and he touched the side of the shoe
Just below the Instep and above the !
hollow of the foot "This part of the '
shoe," he continued, "ought to be very
snug and stiff, to hold the foot straight,
and prevent its twisting between the
toe and the heel. Tbnt Is what usually
makes the skater 'wabble' and lose bis
footing, and then he thinks the trouble
is with the ankle," says Harper's Ba
zar. "The height of the shoe does not
matter much."
D02S t Protect Policemen.
The communal authorities of Ghent
have decided to provide the policemen
' on night duty with dogs capable of de-
fen(ung them In the case of attack. The
perent Is an interesting one, and
, the towng wbere )t )iag trled ,t
is said to have yielded cxcelleut results.
ThIg ,g not the ouly po, refornj
bch , to introduced In Belgium,
At gl.hflerck one of the suburbs of
Brussels, all the policemen will soon be
prorMed wlth bicycles, special sheds
, . i. ,.....,., n
- - - - -
the police stations. I
People do not appreciate the Impor
tance of difference In disposition. That
which Is poison to one man is agree
able to another. Because yon like a
certain thing, do not Insist that others
enjoy It. People like anarchy because
the first principle Is, "I want to do aa J
please."
SECRET OF THE HIGH DIVE.
Trainer of Circm Gymnasts Tells How
the Trick Js Done.
"About the first thing that I teach my
pupils," said a trainer of circus gym
uasts, "is how to fall. That, you kuow,
Is the secret of the great 'head dive'
from the roof, which remains up-to-date
the greatest invention lu the way of
gymnastic tricks that the world has
seen."
"It looks almost too perilous to be In
teresting," I ventured.
"But It Is not In the least dangerous,
If one only knows how to fall," he con
tinued. "Now, If the untrained perform
er should attempt to fall In n net from
any height whatever he would be al
most sure to break some bones. Should
he stretch 'out hla arm to save himself,
he would be very likely to break it in
two places. Should he light on his
heels, he might break his leg, or, more
likely, pitch forward and break his
Jaw. But just fill your lungs with air
and hold them full, double yourself up
Into a knot, leaving no limb free, and
fall on the back of your shoulders just
above the shoulder blades, and you can
fall from what height you like and
come to no hurt. This explains the
cannon and catapult tricks. Why, once
we attempted the catapult trick in a
hall where the roof was so low that we
had to sink the catapult below the floor.
The gymnast forgot all about having
his net lowered a corresponding dis
tance, and when shot 150 feet forward
and upward at the same time didn't
he come down underneath the net and
land slap-bang on his shoulders on the
bare floor? We picked him up for dead.
You may hardly believe me, but It had
only knocked the wind out of him and
shaken him up a bit. The next night
he was performing as usual. That just
shows what the muscles of the shoul
ders, together with an elastic cushion
of air In the lungs, will resist. Then,
of course, in the case of gymnasts, the
muscles become as hard as Iron and fur-1
nlsh a great protection for the bones."
Without Waters.
In all cities numbers of men exist
who are willing to wo. k without w.:ges.
Hundreds of foreign waiters In London
work without salary, relying only oft
tne tips they receive from generous pa-
trons. Some of these men even nnv
for the privilege, and find it profitable
so to do. Many of the tor-mnkera In
the hamlets of Hungary and Bavaria
work without wages, their toll being
remunerated by free board and resi
dence on the estate where they live.
Here and there in the hop gardens of
Kent, during the process of picking,
are to be found respectable families
who offer their services without re
muneration, and work well, regarding
the affair merely as a healthy holiday
outing. Some of these folk occasionally
assist tired hoppers at their work, gen
erously refusing remuneration of any
Kino rrom the Income thus augmented.
Scores of solo singers give their voices
wlthort fees of any kind, In the hope
of securing fame and fortune In the
future by the efforts they are putting
forth now. Not a few music-hall ar
tistes deem It advisable to work a
while without remuneration, when they
are desirous of making a name, con
sidering that a place "on ttie boards"
Is worth more to them In the present
than any agent's promises concerning
the future.
The Horses of Manila.
Among the first things to Impress a
stranger are the horses. Descended
fr0m Jor8e8 brougllt fro,n Mexic.
have become much smaller, while they
I are also much more shapely.' In fact, I
I have never seen a better looking breed.
There Is nothing of the pony In their
shape, though In size they range be-
tween forty-eight and fifty-two inches. '
At nrst it looked absurd to set them
ridden by by big men whose stirrups
hung down to the horses' knees, but I
soon- found out that they easily can-led
a rider weighing two hundred pounds.
The foreigners have a Jockey club,
which holds two meetings a year at the
beautiful turf track at Santa Mesa. To
avoid sharp practice members of the
club only are eligible to ride. This
necessitates a scale of weights starting
at one hundred and thirty-two pounds
and rising to one hundred and fifty-four
pounds. It demonstrates the speed and
strength of these miniature horses that
a mlle haa been run , 2 w .
f j
. carrylne one hundred and fiftv nnnnris
carrying one hundred and fiftv nounds?
I Only stallions are used. Mares cannot
, even be brought into the city. Nobody
, walks; everybody rides, and on any '
special fiesta thousands of carriages fill
the streets. I doubt If there is a city '
in the world that can turn out half the '
number of private vehicles In propor-
tion to the population.
Seeln' Signs.
De gray owl screech on do chimbly top.
(Somebody gwine ter die!)
De ole cha'r rockin' en he des won't stop.
(Somebody gwine ter die!)
De pletah fall fura he place on de wall.
(Somebody gwine ter die!)
En footsteps soun' in de empty hall.
(Somebody gwine ter die!)
De hens Is a-crowin' soon en' late.
(Somebody gwine ter die!)
De lean cow low at the gyarden gate.
(Somebody gwine ter die!)
Oh, Lawd, look down, 'twell de time corns
roun',
(Somebody gwine ter die!)
I watch en pray 'twell de trumpet soun'.
(Somebody gwine ter die!)
Atlanta Constitution.
Weapon and Lantern Combined.
A private policeman of Ludlow, Ky.,
William Fritz, has in actual use tha
very latest policeman's club, says the
Philadelphia Record. Astonishing as
it may seem, the club contains an elec
trical apparatus which furnish: s a
powerful searchlight. It is a weapon
and lantern combined, and may be
used with equal effect In either capac
ity. The construction Is simple. A
storage battery within the club, a push
burton at the handle end, where the
thumb naturally rests, and a small but I
powerful electric lamp behind a thick
glass bull's eye at the tip of the club,
covers It alL The electric apparatus Is
so Ingeniously devised that It is not In
jured when a blow Is struck with the
club.
The Beaton.
He I can't understand why a man
always wants to marry his deceased
wife's sister.
1
She Why, it saves him the bother of
breaking in a new mother-ia-law-
Boston Traveler.
STORIES OF SPIRITS.
One of W hich Was Quite Easily and
Naturally Accounted For.
When Spiritualism was comparative
ly new and we were youngsters, we
used to hear delightful spooky stories
about mysterious actions of furniture
and things, which one never seems to
hear nowadays. I remember one about
some people who had guests Invited to
a grand dinner. The table was spread
with all the dishes, but the meal had
not yet been served. The family had
a great store of beautiful glass and
china, and It waa all on the table. For
a moment the servants were all out of
the dining-room, and just at that mo
ment all the people In the rest of the
house heard a deafening crash of fall
ing dishes; from the dining-room there
came the sound of glassware precipi
tated upon the floor and crushing luto
fragments, and In the midst of the
ronr of this wreck there rose to the ter
rified ears of the host and hostess the
high, clear note of the smashing of
much thin china. Everybody In the
house family, guests, servants rush
ed to the dining-room door at the same
moment, expecting to see nothing less
than the table overthrown and every
precious dish on It broken, and what
did they behold? The table set In per
feet order, with not a thing on It dis-
turbed. What had made the awful
crash? Nobody ever knew. Not a dish
was even nicked In that house that
day. The spirits so the story ran to
ushad Just made a terrible ghostly
crash for the fun of It and the alarm of
the household.
I remember that this story Impressed
me a great deal more than It would
have Impressed me If the dishes had
really been found smashed, though It
could have been proved that no human
being had been in the room at the time,
I had never before heard of a ghost
that was a crasli and nothing more.
fancy the astonishment of those alleg
ed people was not greater than that of
a friend of mine over nn episode not at
all similar. This gentleman's wife and
daughter were out shopping one after
1 noon, and he reached home ahead of
them. So far from feeling grieved and
outraged at not finding them there to
, make him welcome, he set to work
nleasantlv to clve them a surnrlse bv
getting them their supper. He hadn'
much In the house, but be set out what
he had, and placed on each of three
plates a nice lot of sardines, and then
! went out to make them some tea. He
got it made and came back, and looked
at his table In astonishment. His sup
per was gone! The plates which he
had put on the table were there Just
where he had placed them, but they
were as clean as when he put them on
He knew that there was not another
human being In the house. What sprite
had wafted away those sardines?
This Is a true story. There was not
another human being In the house, but
the gentleman owned two delightful
cocker spaniels, and they were In the
house. Who can doubt that, ns they
licked the plates which had contained
the sardines, they had said to them
selves, "Go to; we will make It unnec
essary for our dear master to wash
these plates?" Boston Transcript.
The British Government laboratory
last year analyzed 1,580 samples of so
called "temperance" drinks. Of thla
jnuinber over one-third were found to
t-ontaln more than the 2 per cent, of al
cohol allowed by law. Some of the sam
pies contained as much ns 0 to 8 per
cent.
j When a traveler In the grand duchy
of Baden wants to send a telegram
! 'while he" Is on the train he writes the
message on a post card, with the re
quest that It be wired, puts on a stamp
and drops It Into the train letter box.
. At the next station the box Is cleared
and the message sent.
Recent observations among Indians
show that In South America, as well as
In North America, the red woman lives
longer mnn tue reu man. nut tne
average duration of life Is only seven-
teen years for both sexes In the South,
l m i. .n 1
HI1U " l,tr cl"L- ul lue uie aUr
,u lue nrBl ytal 01 me'
A Swiss paper relates that near the
Beatushole, on the lake of Thun, an
ecentric liernilt has built a cottage, In
which be dwells, shut off from the
world, his food being brought to him
by a servant. He Is a millionaire of
Basle, afflicted with the mania that
someone intends to poison him.
Trompted by the fact that all new of
fice buildings and new fine apartment
houses In Manhattan are being provid
ed with refrigerating tubes and appar
atus, several Brooklyn capitalists have
planned a monster cold storage ware
house In which coolness will be manu
factured for private consumption.
The recent sale In Boston of the es
tate of Jernegan-who organized the
company and engineered the scheme
for extracting gold from sea water
Bbowed that he was not only thrifty,
but "Imposing" In more ways than one.
It Is said that a parlor set apparently
of Inlaid rosewood was but imitation,
and that hardly any of the Jernegan
furniture proved to be what It purport
ed to be.
"Clarlson" Is the name of a new
made-to-order language, constructed
from French, Italian, Spanish and
Portuguese. The author of "Clarlson"
claims that It can be completely mas
tered In two or three weeks.
Apropos of the agitation on the sub
ject of cheaper postage between this
country and Great Britain, it Is pointed
out that the cost of a first-class ocean
passage between this country and Eu
rope averages about $100. The charge
for conveying the same weight of let
ters as the passenger weighs Is $187,
German military authorities have
found euiulovment for the Mentmnit
private who refused to bear arms
through conscientious scruples by as
signing hlin to the company of laborers
at Magdeburg. They bad tested his
religious convictions by keeping blm In
prison for nearly three years on charges
of Insubordination.
In Pittsburg a decision was handed
uown me oiuer oay in the case of a
colored man convicted of the murder
ot w,fe to the effect that he must be
sentenced again, because the judge bad
TftilM
erred !n omitting to ask the prisoner
before seuleuee was pronounced If he
had anything to say why the death sen
tence should not be declared.
The first practical test of a fire en
gine mounted ou rubber tires was made
at New York the other day, In response
to an alarm. It waa n five-ton engine,
and was drawn noiselessly to the tire
nt a gallop, running lu and out of the
street car tracks In a way which often
means an upset, and appeared to be
very much easier for the horses.
One of Manager Grau's opera com
pany notified him the other day In New
York that she did not like the paper
on the walla of her room in a certain
hotel. She did not wish to change her
rooms, for they suited her, but she de
clared that she could not stand the col
or of the'pnper. The point of this story
Is the fact that the paper was Immedi
ately changed.
The Minnesota building at the Trans
Mississippi Exposition, which was the
most attractive of all the State build
ings, has been presented to Omaha by
Minnesota for permanent erection In
one of her city parks. A Kansas man
had offered $1,000 for It with the Idea
of moving It to Topeka for a home, but
his proposition was declined.
It has been discovered that the new
Tombs prison In New York has been
constructed upon plans that are defec
tive. The iron girders supporting the
floors are carrying more weight than
they will bear. As the contract does
not provide for any penalty In the
event of defective plans the contractor
cannot be held responsible, and the ex
pense of making the changes, which
may amount to the practical recon
struction of the building, will have to
be borne by the city.
In France gold coin Is becoming rare
In the circulation, as bankers and mon
ey changers are sorting it out and sell
ing it for export. Inasmuch as the
smallest bank notes are for 50 francs
each, some Inconvenience is resulting
from this. In Germany the extreme ac
tivity of the electrical trade Is absorb
ing large sums of money and has a
good deal to do with the high rates.
As an example of the extent to which
the Industry Is being developed, It may
be said that one of the large companies,
which had In 1889 442 men in Its fc!
torles, now has over 0,000.
REQUIRES JOLLY MEN.
Undertakers Must Be Good-Natnred to
Stand the Constant Strain.
An undertaker who does business up
town who Is fat and Jolly and who
loves the good things of life and can
laugh until his sides shake at a joke,
bared his leg In the coollng-off room
and showed a lot of black and blue
marks Just above the knee. "That's
where I pinch myself to stop laughing
at some funerals," he said. "You know
that the undertaker, of all people, is
not permitted to even smile at the last
services of the dead and the fun-loving
element In my nature often gets the
better of tne, even at funerals, so that
to keep a long face I Just grab my lea
at the length of my arm and pinch until
ache. Sometimes the pain brings
actual tears to my eyes and the folks
around me, I suppose, think I nm
mighty susceptible, and so I am, but
nor to sorrow.
"I got these big marks, you see, day
before yesterday' at the funeral of an
old-timer In my ward whom I had
grown up with from school days. He
was one of the meanest men that ever
lived. He was too mean to belong to
the church, and they had to get a Pres
byterian preacher to say a word over
him, for the priest wouldn't, and when
thut good man talked about the ninny
virtues and good deeds of the dead and
pictured him going round the world
with charity and kindness, I thought I
would go Into a fit Five pinches In
all, good strong ones, I gave myself,
and then I had to leave my place along
side the box when I Imagined I saw
the dead man winking at me.
"My friends tell me I ought to get out
of the business, but I hold that It needs
a Jol'y. good-natured fellow like me to
stand the constant strain of being al
ways In the mix with sorrow- and
tears." Brooklyn Times.
How aa Km press Was Courted.
How princes make love is told In the
"Reminiscences of the Marquis Cus
tine." When the Czar NIkoluus was 18
enrs old he spent two days In Berlin,
where he saw the Princess Charlotte,
two years younger, and of a delicate
beauty which at once attracted hltn.
She, however, showed no signs of re-
iprocatlng his affection. Tho evening
before bis departure he snt next to the
Princess nt dinner. "I shall leave to
morrow," be suddenly remarked. She
did not show ony surprise, but quickly
answered, "Wo shall ail be sorry that
you leave so soon. Cannot your depart
lire be deluyed?" "That depends on
you." "How so?" asked the Princess.
Tho Prince now declared his love,
somewhat to her embarrassment, as
sho thought they would be overheard
As a pledge of her love he asked for
the ring she wore, suggesting that no
one would notice It If she took it off
nd pressing It Into a piece of "Weal
pushed It toward his plate. The ring,
however, was not hers, but belonged to
her governess, who had received It
from the Empress of Russia. And la
taking it off to give to the Prince she
rend for the first time on the inside the
Inscription, "Empress of Russia."
Why He Didn't 11 ply.
It Is not always easy to be polite.
Witness this from the Chicago Post:
"Why don't you answer?" said mau
amo, Impatiently, to the Scandinavian
on the step-ladder engaged In putting
up new window fixtures.
The man gulped and replied gently:
"I have my tnout' full of screws; I
not can speak till I svaller some."
Needed Kverywhare.
"Swlggs has Invented another kind
of metal street car fender."
"What Is It?"
"He wears It over his knees to keep
people from stepping on hla toes."
Puck.
An Argument,
"The minister asked me how I couW
defend the practice of skating on Sun
dny."
"What did you say?"
"I said It might thaw on Monday."
Puck.
This would be a quiet, peaceable
world were At not for the movement!
of the uadsr Jaw.
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
TORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, Curious and Laughable Phases
of Human Nature Graphically Por
trayed by Eminent Word Artists of
Our Own Day A Budget of Fun.
Single Blessedness.
"What a lot of bachelors there are
nowadays."
"Isn't It selfish of them, too, to think
ao much of their own happiness?"
Kasy for the Professor.
"And now," said the professor, as the
regular class exercises were finished,
"Is there any question any of the young
ladles would like to ask?"
"How Is it, sir," Inquired the auburn
haired girl nt the pedal extremity of
the class, "that Father Time la always
represented ns being baldlieaded?"
That Is enslly accounted for," replied
the professor. "So many people during
their school days grasped Time by the
forelock in trying to get away from the
foot of the class that his hair has all
been pulled out. See?"
The girl at the foot never answered a
word.
Au Effort to Kcforin.
Bill I thought you said you were go
ing to turn over a new leaf the first of
the year.
Will-Well, I dldsh, ole man, but I
roun distillery advertisement on nex'
page. New York News.
He Needed a Rest,
Meek s-Doctor, my wife has the lock-
Jaw.
Doctor-That's bad. I'll hurry around
to your house nt once and see what I
can do to relieve her.
Meeks Oh, there's no hurry about It.
Drop in the latter part of next week if
you ain't too busy.
C Homicide.
A local band was one dny playing at
Dunfermline, when nn old weaver
came up and asked the bandmaster
what air they were playing. "That is
'The Death of Nelson,' " replied the
bandmaster, solemnly. "Ay, mon," re
plied the weaver, "ye hae gl'en him an
awful death."
Antiseptic Snrgerj,
Governor of the prison What Is the
cause of this unseemly delay?
Jailer That expert hendsmnn you en
gaged from the medical school Is ster
ilizing the ax.
An hit re in e Case,
IMrst suburbanite-I've become
ex-
treniely forgetful of late.
Second suburbanite Is that so?
irst suburbanite Yes. Some morn
ings I can't remember whether I'm to
bring back a cook or not. Puck.
Hound to lie Happy.
She They sny thnt persons of oppo
site qunlltles mnke the happiest mar
riages. .
He- Tlint's why I'm looking for a
girl with money.
He Enjoyed It.
Fred That cigar you gave me did me
lots of good.
Arthur I'm glad of It When did you
smoke It?
"Oh, I didn't smoke It. I gave it to
Howard; I hate him, you know."
Harlem Life.
Hears It All Without Expense.
"You ought to have one of those pho
nographs In your home, sir. It will re
peat everything "
"I tell you I don't need one; my wife
belongs to a sewing society." Cleve
land Plain Denier.
A Family Affair.
Wife What do you think. Wllhelm?
Your friend Einll asked mo to elope
with him!
Husband-Oh, that doesn't surprise
me, my dear! He Is a good friend of
mine and thinks he would be doing me
ravor. una Ivleine WMtzblatt.
His Experience.
Dlggs Do you believe that It is pos
sible to heal merely by the touch?
Iilggs-Sure. A physician recently
"heeled" himself by touching me for
too.
How Oenlus Ppronted.
"I wonder how Trend way became
such a success as a writer of ttctluu?"
I think that It was his college prac
tice that did It."
"How was that?"
"When he used to write home for
money he told the most Ingenious fairy
stories Imaginable." Detroit Free
Press.
An Expert.
Prisoner-Your honor, I wasn't drunk
When they locked me up.
Judge You had been drinking, had
you not?
"Some. But I hnd at least eltrht more
drinks com In' to me before it would be
j time to git plucbed."
A Charitable Girt.
"Miss Cutting," began young Soft
lelgh, "foh some time I aw have been
sewously thinking, doncher know, and
asa wesult,I aw have half a mind "
"Well," Interrupted Miss Cutting,
"that Is more than any of your ac
quaintances credit you with, but I'll be
real charitable and concede you that
much; so pray say no more about It."
When the Elevator Boy Pulls the Eops
Going up.
Going down.
The Way of Some.
-And so Gladys married
Maud
love? for
Mabel Yes, but she fell In love with
a rich man.
Touching;.
The sweet young thing I Just had a
lovely time at the matinee.
The elderly parson Had a good cry,
eh?
"Yes, I cried over the play In the first
act and then cried through the other
acts because I had my nose red." In
dianapolis Journal.
A Man of Family.
Borus-I hear you have taken a wife
to yourself, Smithers. Whom did you
marry?
Smithers (dejectedly) M Illy Jones,
her mother, her stepfather and two
maiden aunts.
Johnny Was Enough.
Johnny I say, father, did you ever
wish you had lots of little boys?
Papa Yes, my son, before I had you.
Paradise.
Little Alice What kind of a place da
you think heaven Is?
Little Harry Well, If heaven's as
nice as they say, I guess they must let
you eat your pie flftt when you sit
down to dinner there.
A Desperate Caie. '
She And what will you do if I refuse
to become your wife nothing desper
ate, I hope?
He Yes! I shall go away somewhere
and get a Job I'll have to.
Her Opinion.
"Yaas," said Mr. Wllllklns, "I am ac
quainted with two dead languages."
"Well," replied Miss Sharnleigh.
"Judging by what you do to English
every time you say more than a dozen
words I am constrained to believe tlytt
you must have murdered those poor
dead languages you speak of." ,
Custom Houie Notes.
Tax collector-You'll have to pay 10
cents per head taxes on them fowls
thnt were shipped to you.
Farmer-Why didn't the fools that
shipped them cut their beads off?
Rocky Mountain News. ,
Same Thing:, Only Different.
Dr. Emdee Women, you know, are
very subject to nervoua prostration.
Mr. Wlcklow Don't men have It?
Dr. Emdee No; men have Irritabil
ity. Puck. ,
Uufortunately.
all had equal
"If we
opportunl-
tles-
"We would not all be equal to them."
-ruck. ,
There Were Exceptions.
The Speaker Wealth Is not to be at
tained by short cuts.
The Butcher-Oh, I don't know (-In
dianapolis Jourunl.
'Twas Kirer Thus.
White How about that wedding
check your father-in-law gave you
was it good?
Brown-Certainly. You know, It's
the unexpected that always happens.
Fmall Boy's Hero.
Boy (to sen captain who hits a repu
tation to ninlntalu) - Did you ever get
your leg bit off by a shark, captain?
Captain Did I, sonny? Did 1? Weil,
rather. Dozens of times! Tlt-Blts.
Once Was Enouuh,
"What do you consider the luckiest
thing you ever did?"
'The luckiest thing 1 ever did was to
qunrrel with one of the two girls to
whom I wng engaged Just before my
marriage."
Kicked by a Kansas Insect
It was during one of those beautiful
Iudian summer days In Octolwr for
which Kansns Is noted that Daniel Du
val, a well-to-do farmer of Phillips
County, received a kick In the eye from
a grasshopper with the result thut for
some weeks there was great fear thut
ho would not recover the sight of tho
eye. 'Ibis athletic feat on the part of
the Insect does not men 11 that grass
hoppers grow to such a size out In Phil
lips County that they can assail the In
habitants while sitting on the ground.
Tho one to which Mr. Duval Is Indebt
ed for a bmlly lullamed eye was con
siderably above the average grass
hopper In size, and was speeding
through the air when the farmer's faco
unluckily crossed Its path. The result
was that It struck the farmer In tho
right eye with as much precision as If
shot from a gun by an American naval
gunner. The eyeball was badly lacer
ated. On Man's Wisdom.
She (a fair divorcee) Do you believe
In second marriages, Mr. Singleton?
He (cautiously) Well er that de
pends. By the way, how much all
rnony did you receive?
if
mm