THE STOY
, OUNG Mr. Johnson
had already several
razors when he
bought a set of seven,
each marked with a
day of the week and
arranged In order In
a case. Ills beard
was not heavy In
deed, his mustache
was pale and wispy
but he was extremenly neat, and he In
sisted on shaving himself. He argued
that It was necessary to have many
razors to have one always ready. There
were the razors that his father had
used before him, they were of French
make, a handle with several extreme
ly thin blades; there was a fat razor of
boarding school days that was Includ
ed In a swap of a sled for a banjo; there
were razors of English and American
make; but young Mr. Johnson's favor
ite was whlte-haudled, and It was to
him as the apple of his eye.
Mr. Johnson married when he was
about 25 years old a pretty girl of 20.
She danced, and played waltzes on the
piano, and she was sweet and amiable.
TOUNO MR. JOHNSON.
They were happy, especially Sunday
mornings when Mr. Johnson did not
leave the house. They breakfasted late,
and It was one of the wife's amuse
ments to watch her husband shaving at
his leisure. Those days he chose his
white-handled razor. She would laugh
at him when his face was covered with
lather; she would keep saying, "Don't
cut yourself, dear," and when his chin
and cheeks appeared, smooth and
shining, she would throw her arms
about him, and cuddle against his
breast, and say, "I never could love
you ir you iiao a beard," and then she
would kiss him in the neck. And Mr.
Johnson, holding the razor In the air
above his head, would smile compla
cently. They were happy In this foolish fash
Ion for a year or so.
' One morning Mr. Johnson did not
leave the house, although the day was
Tuesday, not Sunday. He did not
shave himself; in fact, he had not
shaved himself for two or three days.
The next week a barber came and
brought his favorite razor, and Mr.
Johnson was clean and smooth for his
cofiin.
At first Mrs. Johnson Insisted that
her husband's things should remain
Just where he left them. And so In the
bath-room the straps and the hones and
the brushes and the soaps were ready
to be used, and the razors were In
order. The white-handled one was
nearest the glass, and the others ac
knowledged Us claim.
Mrs. Johnson would look at these
things, and tears would come to her
eyes. For the first month she kissed
the white-handled razor dally. Her
sister Maria, who had come to live
with her "until I die," said Lucy, "for
I know I shall follow Harry soon" dis
couraged her In "such nonsense." And
gradually Mrs. Johnson began to find
pleasure In life. One night when Mr.
Mortimer called she was persuaded te
play a waltz, and she even sang a pret
ty song, entitled, "Love for Eternity."
"nos'i cut youbself, dbar."
Mr. Mortimer's calls were frequent
He was a thick -set fellow, with a bushy
black beard. His vitality In a room
stirred the pictures on the wall; chairs
and sofas were uneasy until he had
made a wise choice. He .was prosper
ous In business and fond of farce-comedy.
When he was dressed for a call
or a dinner be smelled of musk. Mrs.
Johnson became accustomed to him,
and at the end of a year and a half she
was Mrs. Mortimer,
The wedding was quiet, and even the
bridegroom was comparatively quiet
There was a Journey; New York and
.Washington hotels entertained "Mr.
A I - "
Of A RAZOR,
Mortimer and lady," and the routine ot
dally life began In the flat In which
young Mr. Johnson had reigned.
Sunday came, and Mr. Mortimer
dressed leisurely. After he had had
his bath he strolled about in the bath
robe. He glanced at the newspaper, he
cleaned a pipe, and then proceeded to
bring out fresh underclothes and linen.
Lucy In morning gown following him
from room to room. Mr. Mortimer was
putting on a boot. "Hullo!" he ex
claimed; "I forgot to trim my corn!"
He went Into the bath-room, took the
white-handled razor, and, stooping
over, began operations. Lucy laughed
and kept saying, "Look out, dear; don't
cut yourself." And when ho had pared
almost to the quick, she said: "If I
were you I'd keep that "old razor for
your corn. Ferhnps you might sell the
others.' You'll never need them. I
don't see how a woman can marry a
man without a beard he Isn't a man."
And she cuddled against his breast and
kissed him below the right ear. A dis
creet maid coughed pear the door and
said: "Breakfast Is served." Boston
Journal.
LAST LONDON "CHARLEY."
Who Still Goes Hi Konnds and Calls
ths Flying Honrs.
An Incident which has Just occurred
has brought to the minds of a Holborn
police luspector and a few other Lon
doners 'one of those amazing Incon
gruities' of which London life can fur
nish so many examples.
Who would suppose that In the heart
of London, within sound of the under
ground railway, and within sight of
the motor car, a genuine "Charley"
still goes his rounds and calls the
hours In a loud voice the long night
through?
This comedy If you like to coll it so
takes place with unfailing regularity
In Ely place, Holborn. No spot could
be more appropriate for the perpetua
tion of such a custom than this ancient
precinct, where John of Gaunt, "time
honored Lancaster," drew his last
breath, and where, If we are to believe
Shakspeare, "good strawberries" ri
pened In the garden of the bishop of
Ely, whose chapel still lifts Its ancient,
though much hidden, walls la Ely
place.
After the reversion of the property
to the crown In 17C2 various arrange
ments were made whereby Ely place
remained a private precinct under the
government of commissioners. These
commissioners still exercise their rule,
which is fortified by acts of parlia
ment, and their watchmen have legal
power to arrest misdemeanants within
Ely place and hale them to the nearest
police station.
The night watchman In Ely place Is
required to cry the hours from 11 p. m.
to 5 a. m. Nor may his duty be perfunctorily.-
discharged Four - tiroes
along the length of Ely place must his
cry of "parst eleven," or "parst
twelve," etc., be heard. No policeman
enters Ely place night or day unless
specially summoned. Nor Is the
"Charley" who keeps watch and ward
there within closed gates at night" a
guardian of mere empty offices.
Adjoining the place, and out by the
aforesaid commissioners, are the Ely
mews dwellings. Here sixteen fam
ilies are resident, and this little hive
of humanity, as well as caretakers of
Ely place proper, are under the
"Charley's" direct protection, and have
their slumbers punctuated by bis me
lodious cries.
An Elephant's Teeth.
Whoever has looked Inside an ele
phant's mouth has seen a strange
sight Elephants hnve no front teeth,
and they never eat meat or any food
that requires tearing apart. Eight teeth
are all they have, two above and two
below on each side, huge yellow molars
as wide as a man's hand, and about
two Inches thick. Over these hay or
fodder Is sifted by the queerest, ugliest
tongue that Is literally hung at both
ends, having no power or movement
except In the middle, where it shifts
back and forth from side to side, arch
ing up against the roof of the big
mouth like an Immense wrinkled pink
serpent
There Is nothing stranger than the
working of an elephant's tongne, un
less It be the working of his breathing
apparatus when he sloop. Elephants,
like human beings, have two sets of
teeth the milk teeth, which are small
er than the permanent molars, fall out
when the animals are about fourteen
years old. These baby teeth, which are
nevertheless enormous, are occasional
ly picked up by circus men among the
fodder and preserved as curiosities.
The Oldest Postal System.
We find the first recorded postal sys
tem In the Persian empire, under Cy
rus the Elder, but it Is clear that Rome,
of all the ancient States, possessed th
best organized system of transmitting
letters through its numerous provinces.
All the great Roman roads houses were
erected at a distance of Ave or six miles
from each other. At each of these sta
tions forty horses were constantly kepi,
and by . the help of the relays It was
easy to travel one hundred miles In a
day. These services were Intended for
the State only, it being Imperative to
secure the rapid Interchange of official
communications.
In the time of Julius Caesar the sys
tem was so well organized that of two
letters the irreat soldier wrote from
Britain to Oleero at Home the one
reached Its destination In twenty-six
and the, other In twenty-eight days.
Private citizens had to trust to the ser
vices of slaves, and It Is not till the
end of the third century that we hear
of the establishment of a postal sys
tem for private persons hy the emperor
Diocletian, but how long this system
remained history does not say.
Traveler from frontier district, strik
Ing hotel where advanced fashion
have obtained, observes with an ex
pression of pleased surprise the finger
bowl set before him at the close of hi
nieaL "What's that for, waiter?" "To
wash your hands, sir." "I wish I'd
a-know'd It 'fore I began my dinners
Good Americans.
A STRANGE DINNER fRTY.
Host Continues a Dinner Party While
His Honse Burns.
There Is a familiar saying that a lady
should be mistress of herself, although
china fall, but to be master of himself
and his dinner-table while his house Is
In flames is a degree of self-control
granted to few. Grace Ellery Chan
niug, In her book, "The Sisters of a
Saint," tells of a certain gentleman of
colonial times who appears to have
been endowed with even that measure
of Puritan self-repression.
The Royal Commissioners, then In
Boston, were bidden to a dinner on
Christmas eve at the stately Bristol
residence of John Wentworth, a man
of great natural parts and of a noble
and lofty bearing. The table, set forth
with old plate and damask, was loaded
with good cheer of all kinds. The host
gave the customary signal for the din
ner to be served In the words:
"Friends, you see your dinner!"
As the visitors' lips opened to make
the response demanded by etiquette, a
servant rushed In with the announce
ment that the house was on fire. Stern
ly bidding the startled guests to sit
down, John Wentworth commanded
the servants to take out the tables and
set them upon the lawn; then the chairs
were also removed.
"The air will be keen outside. Bring
hither the wraps," said John Went
worth. But the flames had already con
sumed them. "Bring whatever you can
find, thou!" and the slaves returned
with their arms heaped with curtains
and table-cloths, and these strange
wraps were hastily donned by the com
pany. , "To the tables," commanded Went
worth, and at the word the panlc-strtck-en
guests trooped forth from the now
blazing house and seated themselves
about the table upon the wintry lawn.
The host repeated the greeting.
"And a very good dinner we see!"
was the tremulous response.
In vain the guests essayed nervously
to eat and drink; fitful attempts at
gayety died away In the ever-Increasing
roar of flames; but Wentworth kept
up an easy flow of conversation, press
ing upon his guests the various dainties
with all the concern of a man who had
naught weightier upon his mind.
Now and again the sound of a falling
beam would be echoed by a falling
glass from some shaking hand. As the
last glass shivered to the ground It was
answered by a dull crash; the last wall
of the house sank and fell,
Wentworth did not turn his head.
There are 110 mountains In Colorado
whose peaks are over 1,200 feet above
the ocean level.
A scientist looking for microbes says
there are absolutely none on the Swiss
mountains at an altitude of 2,000 feet.
It has been calculated that ordinary
gunpowder on exploding expands about
0,000 times, that Is, fills a space this
much larger as a gas than when in a
solid form.
In the American Museum of Natural
History, In Central Park, New York,
the skeleton of an ancient American
rhinoceros, found In an old river bed In
Phillips County, Kansas, has been
mounted. It measures 10 feet 2 Inches
In length, and 4 feet 1 Inch In height.
The rare element, gallium, which
was discovered In 1875, In rock from
the Pyrenees Mountains, and which
takes its name from Gallia, the old
Roman appellation for France, has re
cently been added to the list of sub
stances occurring In the sun. Prof.
Hartley and Mr. Ramage, of Dublin,
have recognized Its spectral lines In
sunlight.
According to the results of an Inquiry
among the beekeepers of Germany, hu
man beings may acquire Immunity
from the effects of bee stings simply by
being stung a sufficient number or
times. In some cases thirty stings suf
fice to Impart the desirable Immunity;
In other cases as many as 100 stings
must be endured before the victim
ceases to suffer serious inconvenience
from the attack of bees. Occasionally
a person Is found who is naturally Im
mune to the effects of bee stings, while
others are not able to acquire Immunity
by any amount of heroic experience.
The experiments to be tried with
liquefied air In the treatment of yellow
fever will be observed with deep Inter
est by the scientific world. The yellow
fever bacillus succumbs to cold weath
er. It will not survive the freezing
point, and when the South Is scourged
with the disease the prayer Is for a
frost By the use of liquefied air the
temperature may be reduced to any de
gree desired, even to 200 or 300 below
zero. The cost of the operation Is not
excessive, and the machinery Is not
complicated. All that would be needed,
aside from the apparatus, would be a
well Insulated room to keep the heat
out.
The recent gift to the Peabody Mu
seum of American Archaeology and
Ethnology of the famous "Calaveras
skull." reawakens Interest In that re
markable relic of antique man. The
skull was found In 1800, Imbedded In
gold-bearing gravel In Calaveras Coun
ty, California, at a depth of 127 feet.
Above It were four beds of lava that
had flowed from a now extinct volcanic
vent The late Prof. J, D. Whitney
(whose sister, Miss Maria Whitney,
made the gift to the museum) was con
vinced of ths genuineness of the discov
ery. The owner of the skull Is sup
posed to have lived In the Pliocene
epoch, a period so remote that the most
ancient dates of history seem quite re
cent in comparison.
Avalanche's Hoar Heard Sixty Milra.
An Immense avalanche came tear
ing and roaring down the side of Mount
Ranter, near Taeoma, Wash., recently.
It struck the base of the mountain
with a report like that of a tremendous
clap of thunder, being heard distinctly
)n Taconia, sixty miles away. People
there thought an earthquaake bad oc
curred. The supposed earthquake waa an
avalanche, which came down the back
bone of a "cleaver" lying between the
two branches of Mowltch Glacier. The
top of thla "cleaver" has an elevation of
tea thousand feet It extend several
thousand feet down the mountain aide,
terminating where two glacial branch
es come together. The avalanche start
ed near the top of this cleaver and
swept the rocky surface to Mowltch
Glacier proper. Down this It sped to
where the glacier terminates with pre
cipitous Icy walls, over which It leaped
into a great chasm below. A large part
of thla glacier was carried down with
It Driver says millions of tons of rock,
lee and snow tumbled down.
Settlers about the mountain thought
a teirlflc earthquake had occurred
when they heard the report and felt
the Jar which followed. Some watch
ed Mount Ranler to see if there was to
be an eruption. But the great snow
field which had existed where the ava
lanche started had fallen down, and the
path of the avalanche and broken
glacier was plainly seen.
BEWARE THE THIN BANANA.
Information that Every Lover of This
Fruit Should Have.
When you are buying bananas never
buy the long thin ones unless you want
fruit which will pucker your mouth.
No matter how well ripened these thin
bananas may appear to be, they will
always be' found both sour and acrid.
This Is because the bunch which con
tained them was picked too soon. The
banana grows fastest at first In length.
When It has reached Its full develop
ment in that direction, It suddenly be
gins to swell, and In a few days will
double In girth. It Is at the end of this
time that It begins to ripen naturally,
and the effort of the banana Importer
Is to. have the fruit gathered at the
last possible moment, and yet before
the ripening has progressed even
enough to tinge the bright green of the
fruit with yellow. A difference of
twenty-four-hours on the trees at this
time will make a difference In the
weight of the fruit of, perhaps, 25 per
cent, and all the difference In Its final
flavor, between a puckery1 sour and
the sweetness and smoothness which
are characteristic of the ripe fruit. To
get the bananas to our market In good
condition requires fast steamers, which
must be provided with ventilation and
other means of keeping the. fruit from
ripening too fast in the hold. Much of
the finest fruit does ripen In the few
days of passage, and this is sold to
hucksters for street sale. New York
Sun.
Delicious Papaws.
Real lovers of that pecullaf fruit, the
papaw, which grows so luxuriantly
along the river bottoms of the great
Middle West, do not hesitate to pro
nounce it the most delicious and alto
gether satisfying edible that nature
turns out. It has been happily de
scribed as a "natural custard," Its rich,
golden-yellow pulp admirably carrying
out the simile. Many persons cannot
eat It at all, and many others' have to
acquire a liking for It
A man from the far Northeast, who
was visiting a cousin In Ohio in early
October, was shown one day a fine,
large specimen of the fruit
"What Is that?" he asked."
"Break It open and see,", was the
reply.
He broke It In twn insoected It, and
smelt of It -
"Well?" he said. "
"Taste It".
He did so.
"Faugh!" he exclaimed. "WThat kind
of game are you trying to play on me?"
"I am merely giving you a chance to
eat the most toothsome dainty that
grows in the world," rejoined the
cousin.
The next day the visitor tried again
to eat a papaw. He could tolerate It,
but that was all.
"You'll be eating them by the hatful
before you go back East," said the
cousin.
As having some bearing on the out
come of this prediction it only remains
to be recorded that when the visitor
returned home, a week or two later, he
took along with him a half bushel of
papaws, carefully selected and packed
In a box, and that, on his arrival at the
ancestral mansion, he Is said to have
placed alongside the framed motto In
the family sitting-room, '.'What Is
Home Without a Mother?" a similar,
but smaller one: "What Is Home
Without a Papaw?"
Two Epigrams. '
Two old English epigrams were re
printed In a London paper ol! compara
tively recent date, for the amusement
of the readers. The first referred to a
worthy but tedious sergeant, given to
making long speeches.
He had a rubicund countenance, and
in the full-dress costume of the court of
his day was a notable figure. One day
when he was especially long-winded,
an acquaintance wrote these lines:
The sergeant pleads with face on fire,
And all the court may rue It;
His purple garments come from Tyre;
His arguments go to it.
The other epigram was written at the
time when a certain Dr. Reed was al
lowed to ventilate the Houses of Par
liament by a system of alternate blasts
ot cold and hot air. He was supported
by Sir Robert Peel In this enterprise.
Some wag wrote to the London Times;
Peel's patronage of Doctor Reed
Is very natural Indeed;
For do one need be told
The worthy, scientific man
Is acting on the premier's plan
Of blowing hot and cold.
The First Typewriter.
The first typewriter was a machine
with raised letters, Invented by Henry
Mill of England, In 1714, for the use of
the blind; but beyond marking the era
of mechanical writing machines It was
of no value, and for nearly 140 years no
step forward was made. Nearly all the
Improvements, and certainly the credit
for the general Introduction of the typo
writer, belongs to America, To-day
there Is one firm In this country which
manufactures more than fifty styles of
machines. In all languages and even In
business ciphers. In these last the key
board Is lettered as usual, but the char
acter are printed In cipher.
Slightly Inconsistent.
gome of the cheap novel writers are
In a hurry to get their pay, otherwise
they would revise their work, and not
allow such startling statements as the
following to appear In type:
"I grew op to manhood without ever
knowing what the love of a parent
really was, as my mother died when
my eldest brother waa born.' '
A great many of the men who claim
to be self-made were evidently Inter
rupted before the job was completed.
LEGAL EXAMINATION.
flow One Lawyer Was Admitted to
the Bar.
"Counsellor Bill Brien tells the fol
lowing story of how he passed his ex
amination as counselor at law and ob
tained his license:
"I had my papers filled out anS walk
ed over to Judge Joe C. Gill to pass my
examination and have my papers sign
ed. It was In the afternoon, and Judge
GUI, as everybody who knew was
aware, was an ardent and successful
turfman. At that time he had Orphan
Girl In training for the Maxwell Hotel
Stakes, to be run at Nashville, and
Brakeman, who was thought to have a
pretty good chance of winning the Mer
chants' Stakes at St. Louis, both races
being set down for the same day.
"I walked Into his office with my
papers In my hand, and looking up
pleasantly the Judge greeted me as fol
lows: "'Good morning, William. I under
stand you want to pass your examina
tion and be a lawyer?'
" 'Yes, sir; that's what I'm here for
this morning.'
" 'Were you out on the track this
morning to see the horses' work?'
'"' 'Yes, sir.'
" 'Did you see that Kentucky crack,
Lelox. and my mare, Orphan Girl,
work?'
" 'Yes, sir, they both went a mile, and
you know this track was a bit slow.
Orphan Girl finished up strong and
swinging nil through the last furlong In
0:47, and Lelox was all out, and had the
boy kicking him In 0:47.'
" 'I reckon my mare has a pretty good
chance for the Maxwell.
" 'It looks like a certainty. Lelox is
all she has to beat, and he's as good as
done already.'
" 'What kind of a plan would It be to
send Alcock to St. Louis with Brake
man for the Merchants' Stakes?'
" 'The horse Is good now, and he has
nothing to beat over there. Land him
in St. Louis all right, and It's as good as
a walkover.
" 'I think I'll send him. Let me see
ah! I thought I was forgetting some
thing; we forgot all about the examina
tion; hand me your papers, William,
and see me sign them.' "
"Counselor Bill" walked out with his
duly attested license, and a short time
later Judge Gill won the Maxwell
House Stakes and the Merchants'
Stakes with Orphan Girl and Brnke
man. New Orleans Times-Democrat
The Guns of the Future.
We have become familiar with
smokeless gunpowder, In idea at least,
and we are aware that it makes not
aearly so much noise as the old-fashioned
sort. But silent cannon, which
emit scarcely a flash, are still a novelty
not a welcome one either to soldiers.
Colonel Humbert of the French army
has invented this boon and patented
It The experiments carried out by the
Hotchklss company are said to be most
promising. In some wonderful man
ner he contrives that the mouth of the
gun shall shut automatically the in
Btant Its missile has emerged. Thus
the flame and the report are bottled up.
The announcement may probably be
true oiu does not venture to doubt any
marvel of the Ingenuity alleged now
adays. This also would make for the
extinction of war. It Is remarkable
that the latest Improvements tend,
upon the whole, to assist a defending
force, rather than the assailants. Re
peating rifles and smokeless powder,
machine guns and balloons, all
strengthen the hands of those who have
to repel an attack, themselves more or
less under cover. But If the art of
war, In Its highest flights, bo intuitive,
what very exceptional men the great
generals of the future must be! With
out smoke or flash, or even sound to In
dicate the position of a battery which
decimates his troops at a distance to bo
reckoned In miles, an ordinary mortal
would be distracted. Doubtless, If this
Invention prove to answer, It will be
applied to small arms also. The French
are agitating now for the abolition of
universal compulsory service, upon the
ground thnt Germany will never attack
them. In a few years, apparently, no
nation will dare to Invade another.
London Standard.
On Ills Native Nerve.
"That was a strange experience," ad
mitted the traveling man when some
one had recalled the Incident to him.
"I'll tell you on the level that It con
verted me to the theory that there Is a
destiny that shapes our end and that
the fellow who Is willing to drift Is uot
such a chump after all.
"As the boys say, I was on my up
pers. No one questioned my ability on
the road. I could sell goods to men
who had no real use for them, and
you'll admit that to be the supreme test
of a drummer. If I had one forte
above another, It was that of selling
stoves. I could get rid of a hard-coal
burner in a soft-coal district, and I
could place a consignment of wood
stoves In the middle of a prairie dis
trict. "One morning I waked up In the mod
ern Troy of New York, without a cent
and without a Job. To most men the
situation would have been as cold as a
polar expedition, but, as intimated, I'm
a fatalist After Jollying the bartender
for a patriotic cocktail and the barber
for a shave, I went to the nearest stove
factory. The clock struck 12 Just as I
entered the place. Before the hand
some young man at the desk could say
a word I bad told him that I was on
time. I think the remark wag the In
spiration of an extremity,
" 'We'll not stop to discuss terms at
this time,' he said. 'You have an hour
In which to catch a train. Here's your
expense money. It Is a new route, but
It will serve to try you out' I was
knocked daffy, but I took the money,
caught the train, and sold stoves right
and left In a week I had a letter from
the house asking who In the world I
was and where I came from. The oth
er fellow, for whom I was mistaken,
hail shown up and claimed the Job. But
they told me to fire away, and they
raised my salary, I'm with 'em yet."
Detroit Free Press.
Hard Luck Story from Kansas.
When the Klrby bank failed In Abi
lene a Santa Fe conductor had In It
$2,000, which represented the savings
of many years. In the course of time
be received $1,000 In dividends from
the bank receiver, and this sum he de
posited in the Cross bank at Emporia,
which In turn failed.
The woman who always wears a
suillo Is faultlessly dressed.
... I i
SUPPOSE WE SMILE.
nUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM
THE COMIC PAPERS.
Pleasant Incidents Occurring the
World Over Sayings that Are Cheer
ful to Old or Young Funny Selec
tions that Everybody Will Enjoy.
Driven to It.
She And did you go away to fight
much or because you were afraid of
being Jeered at If you didn't go?
He To be honest with you, neither
of those reasons was responsible for
my going. A life-insurance agent had
found me out and that was the only
escape I could think of.
Out in Dakota.
"No," said the lady who had recently
arrived from the East, "I haven't come
here for the purpose of obtaining a di
vorce. I have no "
"Oh, well," replied the lady who had
been there long enough to know all
about It, "don't let anybody know and
perhaps you can get Into society any
way. I shall not expose you."
The Womanly Woman Again. ""
"And what Is your definition of the
womanly woman?" asked the Inquirer.
"A womanly woman," said the gent
f from the luke shore, "Is a woman who
dearly loves whatever husband she
happens to have." Indianapolis Jour
nal. A Novel Mausoleum.
"That's a good sized hat of yours,
John."
"Ah, Master George, I bought that
hat twelve years ago to bury the
Missus In," St. Paul's.
Ilnmoaked by Science.
The "lady" professor suddenly reach
ed forward and deftly picked a long,
light hair from her husband's coat.
"Wretch," she cried; "whose Is this?"
"One of your own," he answered,
stoutly.
"We wjll see," she haughtily observ
ed, and speedily vnnlshcd through a
door labeled "laboratory." For an
hour or more the sound of clinking
tubes and glasses was faintly heard
through the heavy partition.
Then the door suddenly opened and
the "lady" professor stood on the
threshold.
Her face was blazing.
"Villain!" she cried, "It was bleach
ed." But he was gone. Cleveland Plaln
denler. A Mode! of Propriety.
Jack M Iks Uppton Is the most cir
cumspect young lady I ever met.
Tom How so?
Jack She refused to accompany mo
on the piano the other evening without
her chaperon.
Where rhe Got Even.
He Womeu ask such foolish ques
tions. She Why do they?
"That woman going along there ask
ed me If I knew when the hist train
left."
"What did yon say?"
"I said I didn't know, and then she
asked me If I could give her an Idea."
"Well, that was foolish on her part;
that's so" Yonkers Statesman.
He Was Surprised,
The Pllmleys entertained their pedro
club a few evenings ago, and after tea
Mr. Pllmley put on his dress suit.
Little Percy eyed him suspiciously
while he was dressing, and finally said:
"Papa, you timid you wath going to
thtay homo thlth evening."
"So I am, my dear littlo boy," Per
cy's papa replied.
Little Percy clupped his hands, Jump
ed up and down, and lu great glee
cried:
"Oh! And with that thult on?"
Clevelund Leader,
Schoolboy-Suy, hurry up and ;ct
this geography up to date. St. Puul
Pioneer Press.
lhi Other Way.
StratikutDoctor, do you believe
that smoking cigarettes ever made any
one crazy?
Doctor-I'm not so sure about that,
but I suspect that erazlucKK has caused
a good many people to take up elgur
et tea. Boston Truiiscrlpt.
Deserving Case,
Weary Watklns I ain't had nothln'
to eat fer two datys.
Victim You told me that very same
story Just a week ago.
"Oh! Then surely you would help a
pore bloke 'at ain't had nothln' to eat
fer nlnt days?" Indianapolis Journal.
Her Meaning and His,
Scribbles My new book will be out
toon. I hope you will lose no time In
rending It
MIhs Cutting -Indeed I won't. I lost
several hours reading your other one.
Evidence.
"Why do you think she Is married?"
"I saw her pass a mirror a moment
go without stopping to see whether
her face was stUl there or uot"
His Wish. .
Mrs. Peck Yes, they missed some
thing from the counter where I had
been making some purchases and as I
was leaving the store a detective halt
ed me and led me back to the office,
where they told me that I was sus
pected of being a shoplifter.
Mr. Peek Well, that was awkward,
to say the least.
Mrs. Peck Awkward? For about a
minute I was simply speechless with
Indignation.
Mr. Peck (regretfully) Oh, I wish I
had been there!
Pride of Ancestry.
Fntsy (proudly) Dere, Muggs, could
yer mudder hand out sech a neat bunch
of upper cuts as dat? Now York Jour
nal. Wanted Company.
Fatient No, doctor, there isn't any
particular pain, but somehow I feel as
If I were going to die.
Doctor, (who has been called out of
bed at 2 o'clock In the morning) Let
me feel your pulse. (After a moment.)
Have you made your will?
ratient (alarmed) No, but '.i'J
Doctor Who Is your lawyer?
Patient Mr. Studds. Why, doctor,
do you think r
Doctfcr Then you had better send for
him. Who Is your minister?
Patient (still more alarmed) Rev.
Mr. Saintly. Am I
Doctor I think he had better be sent
for.
Patient (badly frightened) Oh, doc
tor, do you really think I'm going ta
die?
Doctor No, I don't. There's nothing
at all the matter with you, but I hate
to be the only man who has been made
a fool of to-night Cincinnati En
quirer. How a Story Rolls Up and Travels. '
Mrs. A. to Mrs B. That Mrs. New
comer Is so fond of her children? The
other day when I called she was blow
ing soap bubbles for them through a
common clay pipe.
Mrs. B. to Mrs. C That Mrs. New
comes Is so funny. Mrs. A. saw her
amusing her children with a common
clny pipe.
Mrs. C. to Mrs. D. That Mrs. New
comer smokes a common clay pipe.
Mrs. D, to Mrs. E. That Mrs. New
comer smokes a horrid pipe. I don't
see how any woman in her sober senses
could do that.
Mrs. E. to Mrs. F. That Mrs. New
comer smokes a pipe and drinks aw
fully. Roxbury Gazette,
Beauties of Ancient Art. '
"The Coming Storm." From a re
cently discovered Pompelan painting.
New York Journal.
I
The Fool ant Ills Money.
"Optimism," said tho sorry fool, "la
seeing the green side of a $5 bill."
"And what Is pessimism?" asked his
friend.
"Seeing neither side of a $5 bill."
New York Commercial Advertiser.
StRrtlug 11 1 in Right,
"Ah!" sighed the sentimental youth,
"would that I might Install a sentiment
In your loyal heart "
"Sir," Interrupted the practical maid,
"I'd . have you understand that my
heart Is no Installment concern."
Looking for a Nest,
"I dearly love birds," ho gently sigh
ed. And then she didn't do a thing but
hasten to the open piano nnd softly be
gin singing, "I Wish I Were a Bird."
They are looking for a nest now.
Yonkers Statesman,
Ilraln Food,
"Say, Weary, I ain't see you lnoklu'
so well fer a dog's age. What you
been dolu'?"
"Flllli)' up."
"How?"
"Readln' these here holiday menoos."
Cleveland Naliidealer.
Amiability Assured.
The opposition manager was trying
to get some campaign material to use
against the Mormon raudidale, and
was Interviewing oue of his wives.
"Does your husband treat all of you
well?" he asked, Insinuatingly.
"Does ho treat us well?" was the re
spouse. "I should say so. If ho doesn't
we won't get our relatives to vote fot
hlm."Washlugton Star.
A Novel Hwlndle.
A well-known Italian confectioner In
the downtown district was lust night
made a dupo lu a novel swludilng
scheme that cost him $ro. A stranger
came to his fruit stand and while look
itig over some bananas suddenly lost
his glass eye among tho fruit. After
searching for a while, ho went away,
saying that If tho Italian fotiud his eye
he should take It to his hotel, and there
he would receive $100 for It. A few
moments later another stranger canio
along. The Italian saw him grasp tho
glass eye while examlulug somo fruit.
That was too much for the owner to
stand, and he offered the stranger $.0
for the eye. The offer was accepted,
but when the Italian took his prize to
the hotel there was no one there to re
claim It He notified the police of the
swindle. nttsburg Chronicle. .
Profitable Husslan Business.
Tho manufacture of steel rails hat
been so profltuble In Russia that rail
rolling mills have paid from CO to 70 per
cent dividends.
i New York's 1)111 for Perfumery.
New York pays $1,000,000 a year foi
Verfunicry, i