to,
88 MTIOID A
tr
IT was the proud boast of Mrs. Malt-
worth, widow of the late Captain
Robert Maltworth. of the th
Cavalry, proprietress of the Esmeralda
Hotel, Seabreeze, that lu each 'of the
twelve years during whli'h she had
owned and managed the establishment
on the shore at Seabreeze she had suc
cessfully brought two young people
Into relations with one another that
had resulted lu matrimony. To tell the
truth, Mrs. Maltworth was a born
matchmaker, as many a young lieuten
ant could have witnessed.
Mrs. Maltworth was one of those rare
Individuals who can sink their own dis
comforts and smile on the pleasures of
others. It was largely due to this fact
that the Esmeralda had prospered, and
during the season Its rooms were flood
ed with young people bubbling over
with holiday spirits, who joked and
laughed together as If the office and the
counter were nothing more than mere
Imaginings which would not reappear
at the expiration of a brief fortnight.
But Mrs. Maltworth and her two
daughters were growing desperate. The
season was rapidly growing to a close,
and as yet no two young people had
been attracted to each other. To be
sure, there had been one or two mild
flirtations which had excited consider
able expectation, but they had not "de
veloped" and had expired before the
participants left Seabreeze.
"Here's a letter from a Major Rum
sey, my dears," said the widow one
morning. "He wants to Come next
Monday with his son and daughter to
stay why, he doesn't say how long he
will stay?"
"Who Is he?" Inquired the elder of
the Misses Maltworth, a prim young
lady of 25, whose living interest was
centered and clrouinferenced in the cut
ting down of expenses at the Esmer
alda. The widow passed the letter to her.
"He writes from Shoreham, you see,
and that Is very select. We shall have
to put him and the sou In the second
floor front and his girl la the room oppo
site ours."
Theyoungerdaughter nodded approv
al. She was a pretty girl, who had all
her mother's amiability and tenderness,
mixed with her father's soldierly pride.
Major Rumsey duly arrived with bis
son and daughter, He was a middle
aged gentleman whose hair was gener
ously sprinkled with gray, labeled mili
tary from head to foot, and possessed
of a bluff, hearty voice that lustantly
won the widow's heart
"I always feel thoroughly at home
with army gentlemen," she confessed
to him ere he had been lu the house half
a dozen hours. "You see, I'm a soldier's
daughter and married a man who car
ried a commission.
"Madam," replied the Major, "you
surprise and honor me."
' "Yes, my poor husband. Captain Malt
worth, of the th Cavalry "
"What!" roared the Major, springing
from bis chair. "Your husband old
Bob Maltworth of the th?"
"The same, sir."
"My dear Mrs. Maltworth, this Is In
ded a pleasure. I and old Bob er
Captain Maltworth, were mates togeth
er before Have you never heard him
speak of bis old friend Bumsey?
"Bless my soul, my dear lady," con
tinued the excited Major, walking to
the window. "Fancy coming across the
widow of my old friend. The world Is,
after all, quite a little place; now, Isn't
IX?"
The opening of the door and the en
trance of Mabel caused him to turn
round.
"Mabel, my dear, this Is Major Rum
sey and and he is an old friend of
your poor papa's."
The Major bowed to the fair young
girl before him, while she blushed and
murmured, "Howd'y' do" In so pretty
a manner that the Major was on the In
stant charmed and captivated.
That evening there was a merry par
ty In the widow's little drawing-room,
which excited considerable curiosity
among the other boarders. There was
much laughter and just a few tears on
the part of the hostess, and that night
young Harold Uumsey dreamed of a
blushing blue-eyed girl who had called
him "Mr. Rumsey" no end of times, al
though be would have given anything
to have been called Harold.
The visit of Major Uumsey1, Mr. Har
old Rumsey and Miss Eleanor Uumsey
(to quote the Seabreeze News) was de
cidedly a time of unqualified enjoy
ment. The happiness of the three suf
fused through the whole of the Esmer
alda Hotel, and the proprietress was
heard to remark that never In all her
life had she seen so jolly a company
as her boarders at this period. The visit
lengthened from a fortnight to three
weeks, then to a month, and still the
nappy trio said nothlug of leaving.
"It does my heart good to see these
young people living so happily," said
Mrs. Maltworth. "It makes me feel
young myself. I confess."
The Major was standing at the case
ment, looking away over the sea. Out
side the promenade was almost desert
ed, for the days were growing cold and
sunless, but at the end of the thin line
of beach, whore it was cut off by the
Cliff that jutted out, he could see a
woman and a man seated. Her band
was clasped In both of bis. and as the
old soldier watched be saw her head
droop lower lower.
"Mrs. Maltworth." he said, scarcely
above a whisper, "come ere. You see
those two young people away there?
They are our young people."
Together they wateaod the two, who,
all unconscious that tbey were observ
ed, were telling one another the sweet
est story In the world.
The widow was the first to speak.
"I felt sure It would come," she cried.
"Fancy, this Is the tblrtwntb year with
out a break!
"The thirteenth yearr thundered the
Major. "Do you mean to tell me that
the glr! has for thirteen years "
"Major Rumsey!" interrupted the lit
tle woman. And then she explained,
and explained so well, that her listener
became as enthusiastic as herself, and
swore with a characteristic military
oath that he could have desired no bet
ter mate for bis lad.
Suddenly the widow started op.
1DriMQI.ri S3
o -
:
"O, dear!" she cried In dismay, "it
mustn't be. I was forgetting It's the
13th, and that would be unlucky. It
was on the 13th that my poor Rob
ert "
"Nonsense, my dear madam," growl
ed her listener. "Surely you don't b'
lleve In that old woman's tale!"
"But Robert on the 13th "
' Robert," the Major thundered,
and Immediately apologized. "I forgot
myself. What I wanted to say is this:
Why should we risk the happiness of
our boy and girl?"
"Why, Indeed?" murmured the lady.
"Suppose, for Instance, two other peo
ple found they could join forces with
advantage and advance on the enemy's
line better together than singly. Sup
pose, I say Mrs. Maltworth Helen
what do you say to taking me?" and
here the Major flopped down on his
knees In most unmllitary style "me
an old half-pay officer without a friend
In the world. Now, what shall we say?"
And like the soldier's daughter and
"TOTJ 6URPKISE AND HONOR ME," SAID
THE MAJOH.
the soldier's widow that she was, the
blushing proprietress of the Esmeralda
answered "Yes" with precision.
, This Is how It Is that the Esmeralda
Is "under entirely new management,"
and the young people who congregate
there In the summer speak regretfully
of the old days the days that are no
more. Buffalo News.
OFFICER WORSTED FOR ONCE.
Policeman Failed to Arrest Two
Drunken Men and a Big; Dos.
Ever since he joined the force Police
man Andy Murray has made a special
ty of the arrest of "drunks," a line of
duty for which he seems to be peculiar
ly fitted, and In the exercise of which
he takes great delight. It was because
of bis reputation for always landing his
man at the nearest patrol box unassist
ed that he undertook to arrest two In
toxicated Individuals single-handed on
Monday night, and thereby came to
grief. Andy was standing at 22d and
Diamond streets shortly after dark
when he saw an oddly assorted pair
leaning up against the gate of the Odd
Fellows' cemetery, both evidently un
der the Influence of liquor. One was a
man attired In full dress, wearing a
high silk hat, whowas holding a big
Newfoundland dog by a chain. The
other was a bicyclist, who was appar
ently too far gone to ride, but who still
held on to his wheel.
Patrolman Murray grabbed each by
the shoulder and started for the patrol
box, but the prisoners wanted to argue.
The trio came to a halt; the dog ran
around them a couple of times, winding
up the chain, and then suddenly, espy
ing a eat, made a wild dash for the oth
er side of the street. The unsteady
prisoners fell over like tenpins, drag
ging their captor with them. In his
fall Murray jammed one foot through
the spokes of the bicycle's front wheel
and, unable to extricate himself, be lay
at the bottom of the heap until a broth
er officer came to his assistance. He
now acknowledges that ho bit off more
than he could "chew." Philadelphia
Record.
The Wealthiest Beggars.
The wealthiest known living profes
sional beggar, Simon Oppaslch, an
Austrian, was born without feet or
hands, and sympathy for his Infirmi
ties brought him a large fortune In the
shape of alms. In 1880, when he was
47 years old, he had saved 12,000, and
In 1888 he had Increased his fortune by
speculation to 25,000 In cash and about
40,000 In Trieste and Parenzo estates.
Since then be has quadrupled his
wealth by speculation on the bourse.
When Tori, a well-known Italian beg
gar, died last year, bank books, securi
ties, gold and silver, and other articles,
to the value of upward of 80,000, were
found In his rooms. Ills heirs were
two nephews, who had been existing
In a state of miserable poverty for
years.
A beggar who died In Auxerre,
France, In 1895, was found to have
bonds to the value of 1,000,000 francs
In an old trunk and 400 bottles of wine
of the vintage of 1790.
The French seem to be a generous
nation, for In the same year an old
woman, who lived In a wretched garret
In the Rue de Sevres, Paris, died, leav
ing Government securities representing
an annual income of 210, all made by
begging.
A beggar named Gustave Marcelln,
of Avignon, died In November, 1892,
and left 20,000 In French Government
bonds, to be divided equally between
the city and tbtfureau de Bleufals-
ance, the great French charity society,
London Mail.
A Serious Matter.
Truant scholars do not abound In
Switzerland. If a child does not attend
school on Of particular day, the parent
gets a notice from the public authority
that be Is fined so many francs; the
second day the flu Is Increased; and
by tb tblrd day the amount becomes a
serious one. In case of sickness, the
pupil Is excused, but. If there be any
suspicion of shamming, a doctor Is sent
If the suspicion proves to be well found
ed, the parent Is required to pay the
cost of the doctor's visit.
At a million Thanksgiving dinner ta
bles a million housekeepers said when
the guests got around to pie: "I expect
that pie Is scorched a little on the bot
toojwl - - "
HUMOR AND KINDNESS
fhe Shah of Persia Unwillinc to Face
Our s ting'ng Wit.
The people of America pride them
selves on being able to see the humor
ous side of life, and smile a little super
ciliously at those more sober peop'.e
who take themselves and their circum
stances too seriously; but like every
other good thing a lively sense of hu
mor may be abused, and when It leads
a nation to make its guests wish them
selves anywhere else rather than In
America, it has certainly gone a step
too far.
It Is said of the late Shah of Persia
that in his desire to know more of the
world be would have come to America,
but he feared that the Americans
would make fun of him. Possibly bis
staying away showed that he had al
ready gained a little knowledge of the
people of whom he wished to know
more, for just the fate he dreaded be
fell the first and last envoy from Persia
to Washington His Excellency Hassan
Ghouly Kham.
This representative of a less civilized
land did not find his sojourn In Ameri
ca altogether to his liking. The Ameri
cans were amused at him, and they let
him see It. In appearance be closely
resembled a mulatto, and his attire was
not of a modest style. His ears were
decorated with large earrings, and his
jewelry was of the loudest character.
His ways, too, were queor, and the
newspapers found him a good subject
for humorous remarks. They made fun
of his name and of his oddities, and al
though he could speak but Imperfect
English be knew that he was being
made the butt of Jokes.
At last things came to a climax. At
the house of a distinguished resident
he was refused admittance by a colored
servant, who took him for a Virginia
negro, and this slight, coming after
many other things that had tried his
temper, proved too much for his equa
nimity. In a rage he proceeded to the
State Department, to lay bis grievance
before Secretary Blaine.
"During my stay In your country I
have been annoyed, and treated in a
way that a representative of Persia
should not be," he said, "and the news
papers cartoon me, make verses about
my name, and hold me up to general
ridicule."
"But you should not mind that," said
Mr. Blaine. "Our President has to put
up with cartoons, and the ridicule of
the comic papers."
"Yes," replied the minister, "your
President has to stand It, but I don't,
and I shall return to my government."
To some souls such humor assumes
another aspect. Ernest Renan, In writ
ing of bis sister Henrietta, tells a story
of her that shows her to have been sin
gularly wanting in that kind of humor
Which could in any way hurt the feel
ings of its subject. He says:
"I remember that as we were going
In boats to a fete In Lower Brittany our
boat was preceded by another in which
were some poor ladies, who, wishing to
deck themselves for the occasion, bad
hit on rather unfortunate and tasteless
arrangements, which excited the mirth
of the people who were with us. The
poor ladles perceived this, and I saw
my sister burst Into tears. It seemed
to her barbarous to make fun of good
people who were trying to forget their
misfortunes in an hour's gaiety. In her
eyes abused persons were to be pitied,
and she stood up for them against those
who ridiculed them."
Unfortunate Heroine.
One of the eccentricities of the Eng
lish language was lately brought to the
notice of a New England woman by her
Swedish maid. The girl had attended
a night-school for some weeks, and was
much delighted with her attainments in
English. She expressed her wish to
try her knowledge of the language by
reading a story, and her mistress rec
ommended for her perusal one called
"A Modern Cinderella," In a magazine.
It was short, simply worded, and ap
peared not to present any linguistic
pitfalls.
"Did you like It, Bertha?" asked the
mistress when the magazine was re
turned to her.
"Yas, ma'am," replied the girl, slow
ly, "but I am sorry she had so much
trouble and dose glass eyes, too. My
brudder, he had one glass eye, and It
was vera hard for him."
"Why, I didn't remember about her
having glass eyes," said the mistress.
Bertha unfolded the magazine, and
pointed with a respectful finger to the
following undeniable proofs:
"As Polly moved about the kitchen,
doing her work, her eyes suddenly fell
on the letter which lay unopened In her
aunt's lap.
" 'Keep your eyes where tbey belong,'
said that lady sharply; and poor Polly
colored with shame." Youth's Com
panion. "Monte Ciisto" Outdone.
The increase of wealth has been pro
digious since the time of our civil war,
especially In America. When I was a
boy, any one who had one hundred
thousand dollars to his name was con
sidered fairly rich; but at present peo
ple think little of a trifle like that
Even in Europe, where fortunes are
gained much less rapidly than with us,
a property must now be many times
larger than In the first half of the cen
tury, before It begins to dazzle society.
I suppose some of you have read "Mon
te Crlsto;" and you know that few
things were too extravagant for the
Imagination of Alexandre Dumas. He
meant that his romantic hero should
lead the whole world In magnificence,
and probably thought of giving him
the biggest bank-account ever beard of.
But Monte Crlsto was worth only a
fraction of what several real men now
living can show. This was not the sort
of mistake you would have expected
from Dumas. It would have cost him
only a stroke of the pen to multiply the
hoard In tbe Mediterranean Island a
hundred times; but although bis novel
was written when he was 40 years old,
be could not foresee that bis fiction
would be utterly distanced by solid
facts before be died. St. Nicholas.
Just Filled the Bill.
The Heiress The man I marry must
be very handsome, afraid of nothlog
and clever. Money's no object to me.
Mr. Broke Doesn't It seem like fate
that we should have met? Harper's
Bazar.
A married woman can't be happy
without creating tbe Impression that
she has risen above her troubles,
THE EFFECT OF THE COLORS.
Mental Elevation or Depression Censed
by 'i h Mr Tones.
Tbre are colors that are refreshing
and broadening, others that absorb
light and give a b,oxed-up appearance
to a Mom, others that make a room
with a bleak northern exposure or with
no exposure at all appear bright and
cheerful; some that make a room ap
pear warm, some that make It cold.
If a ceiling is to be made higher leave
it light, that It may appear to recede.
Deepening the color used on the cell
ing would make It lower an effect de
sirable If the room Is small and tbe
celling very high. Various tones of yel
low are substitutes for sunlight.
The thermometer seems to fall six de
grees when you walk Into a blue room.
Yellow is an advancing color; there
fore a room fitted up In yellow will ap
pear smaller than It Is. On the other
hand, blue of a certain shade Introduc
ed generously Into a room will give an
Idea of space. Red makes no difference
In regard to size. Green makes very lit
tle. If a bright, sunny room gets Its light
from a space obtruded upon by russet
colored or yellow-painted houses, or
else looks out upon a stretch of green
grass, It should be decorated lu a color
very different from the shade chosen
If the light shade comes from only an
unbroken expanse of sky.
If olive or red brown be used In con;
Junction with mahogany furniture, the
result Is very different from what it
would be If blue were used. Blue
would develop the tawny orange lurk
ing In the mahogany.
Rod brings out in a room whatever
hint of green lurks In the composition
of the other colors employed.
Green needs sunlight to develop the
yellow In It, and makes it seem cheer
ful. Ate During the Naval KLiht.
It seems that Admiral Schley and
Captain Cook sat down to dinner while
the Brooklyn was chasing the unfor
tunate but gallant Colon. There's
American assurance for you. At the
close of a tremendously Important bat
tle, which settled a war and changed
the map of the world, the commanders
on the United States flagship, pursuing
at top speed the last of the. enemy,
whose guns still belched defiauce, sat
down to dinner, which, no doubt, was
served In style and with a strict re
gard for gastronomical eitquette.
"I will have a bit of Jhe tomato soup,"
remarked the admiral. "Ah, that must
have been a five and ouo-half-lnch
shell, eh, captain?"
"Sounds like It pass me the celery,"
replies Captain Cook.
With the cheese and black coffee and
cigars the enemy Is overhauled and
driven ashore, the Spanish sailors dot
ting the sea like drowning rats and the
aged Cervera tearing tils beard In the
agony of disaster. Then, after quaf
fing a chartreuse, the American ad
miral appears on deck and orders all
boats lowered and all efforts made to
savo tbe lives of the saturated Span
lards. ' There ought to be fairly good ma
terial In this Incident for a light opera.
There was nothing half so naive or
amusing In "Pinafore." Kansas City
Star.
The Stage in Shakspenre's Time.
John Churton Collins, the distin
guished essayist and Quarterly Review
er, has been lecturing on the theater of
Shakspeare's time. The typical theater
then was of wood, circular or hexagon
al In form, being modeled externally on
the general structure of the old amphi
theaters for bull and bear baiting. The
Interior was fashioned after the man
ner of an Inn yard. The pit was scorch
ed by the sun, while the actors were
protected by a thatched penthouse. The
scenery was supplied by the Imagina
tion of the audience, but what was
lacking In scenery was made up In
noise and bustle, things being kept
very lively In that direction. Tbe most
numerous class among tbe audience
were roistering apprentices.
On the stage and In other parts were
fashionable dandles, swashbucklers,
writers and actors. These, It Is Inter
esting to know, always bad a free past.
The play lasted two hours on an aver
age, and, considering tbe noise and the
smells which accompanied the perform
ance, one was, Mr. Collins presumed,
not sorry when "the actors dropped on
their knees to pray for the queen."
A Vouthful Financier.
"Mamma," said a little fellow after
ho returned from church last night,
"does the Lord keep books against ev
erybody on earth?"
"Yes, my son," the mother answered,
"In the great record of time the acts of
every one are registered. If we do
good, It Is to our credit, and If we do
evil It Is on the debit side."
"Then, mother," the little Imp asked,
"how much discount will tbe Lord fig
ure on the nickel with a bole In It I put
In the contribution box to-nlgbt, and
will I get credit for tbe face value and
be charged with tbe discount?"
Tbe future flanancler was bustled off
to bed as soon as evening prayer was
over.
Earthquake.
When an earthquake occurs the en
tire crust or surface of the earth expe
riences some effects of the disturbance.
An earthquake In Calcutta which was
accurately recorded gave a basis for
determining the speed of transmission
of the wave of disturbance due to the
shock. The disturbance was registered
at the Edinburgh Observatory, thou
sands of miles distant, and gave a speed
of transmission of six and two-tenths
miles per second for the heavier shocks
and less than two tulles per second for
the lighter ones.
Charivari for the Babbits.
English farmers, who know It Is
against the law to use ferrets to drive
out rabbits, place In tbe burrow a rub
ber hose with a tin horn on the end In
serted They they blow tbe horn and
bunny comes out In quick order.
Bareheaded Bpanlards.
There are parts of Spain where the
hat Is unknown except In pictures.
Tbe men, when they deed a covering,
tie up tnelr heads and the women use
flowers.
Before Co'nmbnt,
Prof. Proctor asserts that 100,000,000
people lived and died In America before
Columbus discovery.
Pleasure that Isn't shared with an
other loses half lis power to please.
GUM CHEWING.
A Russian Traveler Who Will Go
Home and Tell About Jt.
S. Ilanfblum. 50 years of age. bloude
gray, whiskered, volatile, and all the
way from St. Petersburg, Russia. Is at
the Brown Palace Hotel. To the sur
prise of a caller, who had never seen
the gentleman before, Mr. Ilanfblum
turned, and. with an expression of
delight upon his face, exclaimed:
"Ach, my friend! I am fill wis dee
light You are ze zhentleman from Mel
boorn vlch I meet on ze high mountain,
ze peak of vat you call heem? Ah!
Pike, ze peak of Pike. Eet ees wis ze
greatest pleasir I see you."
When gently told that he was mistak
en he could hardly believe it.
"Ees eet pooseeb? Veil, eet ees re
markable ze raysamblance."
His accent and vernacular were pe
culiar. Sometimes he talked like a
German, sometimes like a Frenchman.
His manner was wholly French.
"Yes, salr," said he In answer to a
question. "I am a resident of St. Pee
tlrsbayrg. I wass born In Warsaw, Po
land, but I leev In R-russIa tairty
yalrce. My name ecs Jairman, but I
am not. Eet ees only ze name vlch ees
Jairman. Deed you noteece zat name?
Hanf, you see, meence hemp, and bin m
ees flower; zat ees altogaythalr, hemp
flower. Zat ees preety, ees eet not?"
It was, and his visitor admitted It.
"I haf been in America some veeks,
and haf noteeced many t'ings to pleece
me and some vlch do not. Now, zat
seeugular custoom of eating gom. Zat
ees ze most remarkable. Eet ees not
falar me to oonderstand. All ze time
zey bite, bite, bite, chewing zls gom.
So many, too!" And Mr. Ilanfblum
held up both hands and arms like a pair
of exclamation points.
"On ze car from Boofalo to Neeaek
eera zalr wass a young leddy seetlng In
front of me atlng zis gom wisout stop,
sink of It! All ze time! I ask: 'Vat
ees zls zat ze peeple all eating?' 1 vas
told. 1 pnirchase some of ze leedle stoff
an' put heem in my mouse Pa-ah! I
shpat heem out. Eet ees like medeecen
and vorse. And eet ees so ogly! I von
der so much as zis mees-er-able habeet,
and eet seemee to be ze habeet dees
teenkteef, nayceanol ees eet zo?"
The Impeachment was admitted with
grief.
"And ees zalr no r-raymedee, no cure
for zees ter-ralble slug? No? Zat ees
sad." Denver Post.
Mrs. Amelia E. Barr's latest novel is
called "1, Thou, and the Other."
It Is said that George Moore has al
most finished a sequel to "Evelyn Iu
nes." Dean Farrar Is busily engaged upon
a new book, to be entitled "The Life of
Lives; or( Further Studies In the Life
of Christ."
Anthony Hope has Just finished a
novel which Is' devoted to a delicate
and penetrating study of Disraeli. It
Is a new development In tbe novelist's
career and will be anticipated with
great Interest.
Professor B. G. Moultou's method of
presenting In modern literary form the
several parts of the Bible appears to
good advantage In his "St. John," espu
daily lu Indicating the dramatic move
ment In the book of Revelation.
Eden Phlllpotts' new novel, "Chil
dren of the Mist," Is a story of life on
Dartmoor, and extends over a period
of ten years. As lu "Lying Prophets,"
Mr. Pbillpotts tried to draw a faithful
picture of a girl, so In this book, we are
told, he has attempted to depict a boy.
Contrary to the experience of most
translators, whose fate It Is to reap lit
tle of honor and less of pay for their
painstaking work, Jeremiah Curtln,
the translator of "Quo Vadls," Is said
to have realized $25,000 as his share of
the unprecedented sales of Slenkle
wlcz's masterpiece.
Edmond Rostand, author of "Cyrano
de Bergerac," has written to an Ameri
can friend disclaiming the contemptu
ous references to the American nation
attributed to him by some newspapers.
In point of fact he has every reason to
feel amiably disposed toward Ameri
cans, as he Is receiving large sums of
money all the time from the success of
the play and the book. The prose trans
lation by Miss Gertrude Hall pays him
a royalty on every copy sold, and the
publishers announce the thirteenth
thousand already. The success or
Mansfield's production, moreover, Is
netting M. Rostand something like $100
a day.
Yankee Ingenuity Bid It.
Only a few years ago practically all
the canned peas consumed lu this coun
try were Imported from Fronce, the
famous petit pols. At that time It was
deemed Impossible to produce the re
quired quality In this country, consum
ers desiring Arm, even bright green,
goods, and though sulphate of copper
was used In securing that color It made
comparatively little difference with the
trade. American packers, however, ex
perimented with the object of produc
ing a pea the equal of the French arti
cle, aud bow well they succeeded Is
now an old story. Starting with good
seed, and under careful cultivation, the
American pita now equals the Imported
product of France, nud our pickers
have built up an Industry which has
become an Importatit feature of tho
great canned goods trade of the coun
try. The careful selection of seed has
resulted In a variety having all the de
sirable qualities of the French product
and requiring the addition of no color
ing substances to make them attrac
tive. American canned peas stand on
their merits. Wisconsin and New York
are the leading pea-packing States, al
though others are rapidly developing
the Industry.
Beat the Circus.
Tickets were sold to more people for
a circus at Los Angeles than the tent
would bold. A man who had paid $1
for two seats which be could not get to
sued not alone for the return of his
money, but for $1 paid out In carriage
hire, and ho woo a verdict for both,
with $H more to cover the costs of the
trial.
Every politician believes be Is good
enough for any office, - -
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, Cnrlona and Laughable Phases
of Human Nature Graphically Por
trayed by Eminent Word Artiata of
Our Own Day A Budget of Fun.
An Object of Pursuit.
"It Is money that makes a man Im
portant." "I don't know; It seems to me I'm of
more Importance when I haven't any
money."
Aristocracy of Doildom.
"My doll can shut her eyes and go to
sleep just lovely."
"Huh! My doll never goes to sleep at
all; she's got insomnler."
A Wonderful Woman.
"Hobson dotes on his mother-in-law."
"Just to be peculiar?"
"No; at Christmas she always sends
hta something that his wife can't use."
Worklna-Class Tats.
"Those new neighbors must be very
ordinary people."
"Why?"
"Their cats catch mice."
Pity.
His voice was hoarse with emotion.
And did she pity him?
Ah, yes! Generous girl that she was,
she handed him an entire box of lozen
ges that some distributer had left upon
the doorstep the day before.
Unmistakable Proofs.
"Why do you think he is a self-made
man?"
"Because he wears chin whiskers In
stead of mutton chops."
Merely a Feeler.
"No, I thank you. I prefer to stand."
The stout woman who was standing
TRAININQ
"What's tho cause of the infernal racket In the next room?"
"It Is Schmidt, tho dog fancier, who Is breaking In some dogs Intended for
musically Inclined mistresses." Megge ndorfetr's Blaetter.
up In tbe crowded car looked straight
ahead of her as she made tills remark.
The men sitting down glanced fur
tively at each other.
"I didn't hear anybody offering mo a
seat," she said, stiill looking straight at
the front end of the car, "but I took It
for granted somelmdy had done It."
Six men slowly rose up.
"No, I thank you," she said, without
looking at any of them. "I've been
standing for fifteen tnlnutos. It won't
hurt me to keep It up a little longer. I
get off at the next crossing."
Then six men sat down again, much
relieved.
She had overestimated them.
Getting Hack at Her.
"Yes, Mrs. Punk, I can understand
why you wouldn't live In a small
town."
"What do you mean?"
"Anybody can live In a city, but It
takes people who have mental re
sources to enjoy life In a small town."
Well Fortified.
"We never suffer from cold bands
when we go out."
"Are you so robust?"
"No; but my wife has her muff and I
enrry the poodle."
It Was Nutnral.
She (after the honeymoon) I've often
wondered, dear, what you ever saw lu
me to cause you to make me your wife.
HeThat's a strange coincidence. Do
you know I've asked myself that (fues
tlon a huudred times since we've been
married?
flhow Effort.
"I always appreciate It when Bibbs
Is pleasant to inc."
"Why?"
"Because It Is hard work for him to
be pleasant to anybody."
Going In for Exercise.
"What did Btss say In her letter to
Santa Cuius?"
"She said she wanted a pair of skates
aud a piano."
lit' Chub lit the Crn'.e.
"Bobby, what kind of a sled do you
want?"
"I want ono that's pretty enough to
haul girls on."
Figuring It Ont.
"Have you any Idea bow old Mrs.
Wexford Is?"
"Well, no, not exactly, but she must
be pretty well down In the 20s yet. I
beard Mrs. Bloxhatu say tho other day
that she didn't believe tbe lady was 'a
day over 35. "
Mnsenm Excitement.
"Tho two-headed girl got up another
rumpus this morning."
"What was she mad about?"
"One of her beads picked out a bat
just like that which tbe other one bad."
The Having Clause.
"Don't you get tired of so much
Bbakspeare at your club?"
"Well, we always have teas." De
troit h'rae Press.
An Easy Guess.
Mr. Bllmkus Why do you think Mil
dred and young Perkleigh are engaged?
Mrs. Bllmkus After he went away
last night I smelled paper burning in
the kitchen stove and this morning I
found a piece of an envelope addressed
to her In another's handwriting.
Success. . .
"Is he a successful man?"
"Yes, very. He has been mixed up
in three bank failures and succeeded In
keeping out of the penitentiary every
time."
Evidently a Failure.
Singleton My congratulations, old
man; no more sewing on buttons now,
eh?"
Wederly No, Indeed! I wear a belt
now. It keeps me so busy supporting
a wife that I haven't time to sew on
buttons.
Getting at the Facts.
Insurance Agent Pardon me, mad
am, but what Is your age?
Miss Antiquate I have seen 22 sum
mers. Insurance Agent Yes, of course; but
how many times did you see them?
Feminine Diplomacy.
nattie Would you call Nell a
beauty?
Ella-Well, that depends.
Hattle Depends on what?
Ella Whether I was conversing with 9
her or some one else.
Failed to Conciliate.
As the conventional young man sat
talking with the conventional young
woman the conventional stern father
came In.
The young man would fain be socia
ble and at ease.
"The open door " began he. '
"The front door Is open at this min
ute," said the father. IndianapotUi
Journal.
Too Weak a Comparison.
At last, after many dangers, she had'
SCHOOL.
braved the terrors of the Chllkoot pass
and had rejoined her lover on tho Klon
dike. "Are you glad to see me?" she asked.
"Do you still think that I am worth my
weight in gold?"
"In gold?" he cried, contemptuously,
as ho folded her to his frozen boaom.
"My darling, your are worth your
weight lu hash!" Chicago Times Her
ald. Similar but Different.
Diggs Did you employ a typewriter
to copy your manuscript?
Biggs I thought I did, but on looking
over the work I discovered that I had
employed a type-wronger.
I
A Cash Clearance.
. "Cordelia Is selling everything to go
abroad again."
"She Is?"
"Yes; she offered to sell me her bi
cycle and her engagement to Mr.
Jimp."
Confessions,
"Gladys Luclle, I must make a con
fesslou before we are married. You
know me as Guy Percy Fltz-Willlam,
but tbe folks at homo call me 'BUI.' "
"That's all right. My pa and ma call
mo 'Toadie. "
Pleasant for Jinks,
Jinks They soy married people
grow to resemble each other.
Mrs. Jinks Well, I know It's quite
Impossible for a married woman to
keep her good looks. Larks.
Hopeful.
Granger How are you getting along
at your house?
Tluisou Pretty well, on the whole.
We are nearly out of everything but
debt, and in time, if things go on as
they have been going, we ought to be
out of that. Boston Transcript,
Men anil Horse Killed In Battle.
In regular battles the proportion of
loss among men and horses is quite
close, and lu linnd-to-hund combats of
cavalry, as well as in sharp artillery
engagements, for every man killed or
wounded there Is uIho a dumb warrior
entitled to a place beside him on tho
roll of honor. Tho Light Brigade at
Balaklava rode In 000 (not 000) strong
and lost 2KS men, but of the 0(10 horses
8(K) were shot down by the Russian
guns. .
In tbe fierce charges of the German
uhlans and cuirassiers at Vlonvllle,
Mars-la-Tour, in 1870, 1,400 men and
1,000 horses were killed and wounded.
In tho fierce artillery contests on the
same field TM men and over 1,000
horses fell around the guns. At Grave
lotte, soon after Mars-la-Tour, th ar
tillery fighting was also terrible, and
1,300 horses wero shot down around
tho batteries, though the loss of the
artillerists was less than 1,000. Our
AuUnul Friends.
A play Is never satisfactory If there
Is a man or woman left over when tho,
pairing off occurs lu the last act.