THE OLD FARM.
1 love to dream about the days
I spent upon the farm;
The theme is rich iu memories
That never lose their charm.
Though early lured away by tales
Of traffic's golden rain.
How oft, how oft I've longed to turn
Back to the farm again!
I've tolled for gain In busy marts
And scorned the paths of ease;
I've wooed with fervor fortune's smiles.
Across the briny seas;
But neither fabled wealth of Ind
Nor fame's ambrosial wine
Could e'er afford the lost delights
Of that old home of mine.
There every humble duty bore
Of rich reward its meed,
And sweet approval gave a smile
For every kindly deed;
There peaceful sleep did wait upon
Each day of toil and care.
And hope gave strength each dawning
day,
Its burden new to bear.
There peaceful scenes on every hand
Did e'er beguile the eye;
The woods, the hills; the winding streams,
Hetiecting azure sky;
The kine, contented, browsing o'er
The blossom broidered wold;
The ewes and lambs, at wane of day,
Returning to the fold
All filled my little world with Joy
And bade brief sorrows fly,
As soothes the infant's griefs away
A mother's lullaby.
Nor sordid alms did mar the flow
Of innocent delight,
While honor's precepts were Instilled
With love's persuasive might
Then take me back, oh, take me back
To that fair spot once more,
. To-me more lovely than the famed
Estates of classic lorel
Oh, take me back and let me rest
There, safe from grief and harm,
To spend my brief declining dayi
Upon the dear old farm!
Chicago Democrat.
Her next mote.
"VERALDINE FOWLER sorted
I -rher mail somewhat listlessly,
Some of the envelopes held rejec
tions. She could tell them by their
plumpness. There seemed to be an un
usual number this morning.
There were one or two acceptances,
She smiled as she drew the checks
from their envelopes and laid them
carefully away. It had paid, after all,
ber coming to New York. She had
gained her experience and broadened
her outlook. Yet, perhaps, It had made
ber restless as well
She certainly had been, since Godfrey
Taylor crossed her path.
A troubled look came into her eyes as
Bhe took up his letter and read It
A flush spread over her face.
"I thought so," she said as she fin-
Ished reading and dropped It on the
desk. Then, with an impulsive move
meut, she leaned forward and burled
ber head In her bands.
It had all come so rapidly, this new
emotion. Less than three weeks ago
ebe had forgotten the existence of God
frey Taylor. To be sure, she dimly re-
. called the gay times she had had with
blm one summer, and her admiration
of him because he was an editor, and
could talk familiarly of books and dra
matlc events. She had even fancied
she liked him, but he had gone out of
ber life.
Suddenly she had heard from him
lie had seen a story of hers and had
written. This had been followed by
other letters, and here was the culmi
nation: I have not found you to lose you. 1
want you to marry me at once. Come to
Washington for the fall, enjoy all the ad
vantages I can give you. You can go into
society 1 have means you can entertuin
literary people and indulge your fondness
for the stage, which I remember, and in
January we will go abroud. 1 shall prob
ably be appointed to gome office there.
Her eyes glistened.
"It Is what I have always wanted,"
the murmured. "And Edward " She
topped. The faithful lover at home
bad hardly entered her mind.
"Well, 1 could not go back there any
way and be content," she sighed. "My
life here has spoiled all that. He must
wake from bis dream sooner or later.
He told me to be free; I will be free."
She arose from her chair and pushed
back the scattered papers.
"I will be free to live my life in this
glorious fashion that Is offered me. It
belongs to me. I was made for Just
such a life."
She smiled triumphantly. Then she
seized the pen and directed an envelope
to a little far-away country town.
"I aui tired of It all," she wroto on a
Up of paper.
She paused. "The truth will come
later," she said, aa she hastily added.
"My next move will surprise you."
Then she wrote to the other one.
"You may come If you like," she said;
"I shall be glad to see you, and per
haps "
Bhe left It bere.
Edward Wherrltt entered the post
cfllce with an eager step. A glad light
Crept Into bis eyes as be saw the fa
miliar handwriting, and a thrill of
pleasure ran through the man aa be
took the letter from the postmistress.
Ills band trembled a bit. Insomuch that
tome papers fell to tha floor, and be
laughed a happy laugh at be bent and
picked them up.
Then he slipped them all Into bis
pocket and turned away.
It wai a long time since be bad beard
from ber. Ills band closed tightly upon
the letter In bis pocket It wai there
Dow, fresh from ber band. II would
not hasten to read It It was there
bis. No power on earth could take It
from blm.
The light In bis eyes grew deeper, and
a bappy smile played about bis mouth.
lie bad several errands to do. He
must visit the new aund first There
might be something of hers In one of
the magazines. His quick eye caught
ber name, and be slipped the publics
tlon Into bla pocket
Then be finished the errands and
walked rapidly toward borne, bla bind
till closed on the letter, and bii mind
peculating as to wbit It would say,
Would It leu of some new success
How proudly be bad watched ber ca
reer! Perhaps It would n bad de
rAA in star another all months In
New York.
Well, never mind. IU could tnd It
and the end would be to much nearer,
Xbe letter felt thia. After ail, prob-
My It was but a hurried note, to teH
of some stinden pleasure she wanted to
share with him.
His heart gave a bound. Any way,
It was from her-that was enough.
The words were so few.
"My next move mav surorlse von."
he repeated.
A quick fear seized his heart
He turned the page for more, but
that was all. Not even a signature.
"She must have left out the rest by
mistake," be said, as he beld the open
page in his hand. "But whatever tha
move Is, I know It must be right."
His eyes traveled fondly to the face
smiling down the wall.
He rose early the nest morning. It
was only just growing light, but his
sleen hnil hppn broken, nnil he would pt
down to the early mail and see If the have 200'000 P0UU(l3 on twoseparate
rest of the letter had not come. Surely drIvinS wbeel bass. ani the tank loco
fJoraiiiMo ,id .onri u -v,Qn motives of the St. Clair tunnel have
found It bad been left out. He could
even fancy the little laugh she would
give when she discovered It, and how
quickly she would enclose It in anothei
envelope and add a few words as to hei
carelessness.
He pictured It all In his mind, as h
swung through the village street with
an enB-er trend I
TheJIttle office was not open. Th'
morning train was not due yet Slowly
he wandered toward the station, and
stood gaztag down the track from
whence his letter would come. He
stamped his feet a bit Impatiently, and
took out his watch.
It was coming at last!
With a roar that would seem to
waken the yet sleeping people, tha
train drew In. I
The morning papers and the mall bag
were thrown out on to the platform.
The roll of papers bounded away Into
the wet grass.
He sprang after them with a laugh.
The early morning air was exhilarat
ing. He grasped them In his hand and
waved them triumphantly at the bag
gage master as be leaned out of tha
door of his car.
Then he turned. A woman stood be
side him.
"I have come home," Geraldine said,
For an instant he gazed at her wit!
startled eyes. Then with a quick move
ment he gathered her Into his big arms
and drew her close. Her tired head fell
on to his strong shoulder, and the sad,
pleading eyes were hidden from view,
Her hat fell unheeded to the ground, at
he kissed hair and forehead again and
again.
This was her next move. The House
wife. CHINESE LOADED WITH MONEY.
Remarkable-Discovery in the Clothing
of Two California Celestials.
The turnkeys In the Los Angeles
county jail had an interesting experi
ence recently on the arrival of two Chi
nese from San Diego, pending deporta
tion. The men had been searched by
the San Diego officers, and were re
ported to have no articles on their per
sons, but the Los Angeles Jail officials
thought it would be Just as well to ap
ply their methods of investigation, and
the outcome was a lot of money, nug
gets and gold dust.
The coolies had little packages ol
gold dusrt carefully packed away be
tween each toe; others were braided
into the strands of their queues; bank
notes were cleverly stitched Into the
lining of their hats and the creases of
taeir cioine. in ract, almost every
place, meutlonable and unmentionable,
where coin, bills or gold dust could be
hidden, contalued Its quota, the total
found amounting to something over $40
In bills, as much more In silver, and no
one knows exactly how much In gold
dust from Lower California mines.
The money of course belongs to the
Chinese, but If thpy had been allowed
to keep It on their pprsons while locked
up, they would surely have been robbed
of every cent of it by the other prison
ers. San Francisco Examiner.
raying a Ilel cate Coinplimnnt,
A Scotch farmer, celebrated In hie
neighborhood for his Immense strength
and skill in athletic exercises, very fre
quently had the pleasure of contending
with people who came to try thelt
strength against his. Lord D., a great
pugilistic amateur, went from London
on purpose to fight the athletic Scot.
The latter was working bard In an In
closure at a little distance from hi
house when the noble lord arrived. Ilia
lordship tied his horse to a tree near by
and then addressed the farmer;
"Friend, I have heard marvelous .re
ports of your skill, and have come
long way to see which of us two Is the
better wrestler."
The Scotchman, without answering,
seized the nobleman, pitched blm ovet
the hedge, and then set aliont working
again. When Lord I). got up
"Well," said the farmer, "have you
anything to say to me?"
"No," replied bis lordship, brushing
the dust from bis clothes, "but pcrbapt
you d be good enough to throw me my
horse
Taught His Wife Finance.
Divide anything up Into oarta and
you magnify It, says the New Orleans
Times-Democrat A certain wise man
took this way to give bis wife an Idea
of how much 1 1,000 Is. She had no
Idea of money. Her purchases were
enormous. It happened one day that
ner eyes ten upon a magnincent ring,
and she coveted It It cast $1,000. But
what tu $1,000 to ber In comparison
with the ring? Of course, her bus-
band consented to the purchase. What
else could a dutiful, affectionate bus
band do? But be tried tbla method of
educating bis wife concerning the
great price of the ring. He Instructed
bla banker to send ber the $1,000 In
small piece pennies, dime, quartora.
In came the money, bagful after bag
fuL Bhe never hail aucb an Idea of
$1,000 Ixffor. When the money waa
piled before ber It alarmed ber. The
price of tbe ring went up an hundred
fold, and was considered at once an
extraragance wblcb stie of ber own
option abandoned.
lie Defends III C'oare.
He If I give you aome candy yon
might get the toothache. Ilk you did
last we k.
Bhe W by, you $ a tootbacb your
K-lf from eating candy! I
lie Well, mamma wouldn't want
both of u to bar a toothache to-
g ether . Puck.
Wbea a man la sick, bla wife tblnki
tbe real trouble la souietUag wicked of
Lla mind.
GREATES'" OF
LOCOMOTIVES.
parser ana neav.cr man
An j Other
1 rev.ons y i5n.it.
A leviathan on wheel has just been
Introduced on the system operated in
connection with the various works of
lue "''uegie sieei uompauy
The loco
motive is the largest and heaviest in
the world, powerful enough, If It were
put to the test, to haul more than the
entire cargo of a great freight steamer.
It was built by the Pittsburg Locomo
tive Works on an order from the
Union Railroad Company of Pittsburg.
It Is not only larger and heavier as a
whole than any locomotive previously
built, but exceeds all others in many
of its essential details. The weight on
the drivers is 208,000 pounds. The Mex
ican Central double-boiler locomotives
195,000 pounds on ten driving wheels.
The twelve-wheel locomotives of the
Great Northern Railroad have a total
of weight of 212,750 opounds, of which
only 172,000 pounds are on the driving
wheels. The cylinders of the new low
MtAlTtA O'l MO 1 -.1. .. ... ,
T ' ?T u"u'?alu
" ,1 7, ,
erii, and its total boiler-beating surface
!,4U"lc "I1: v ' "
Q OOO t -1 ill.
8,230 on the Great Northern. It not only
has greater weight on Its drivers, but
exceeds also In cylinder power ami In
the steam-producing capacity of the
boiler the most powerful locomotives
ever constructed.
An indication of the power of the lo
comotive Is furnished by the character
of the work demanded of It. About
four miles of the line upon which it is
operated has a grade of seventy feet a
mile, and on one stretch of about 2,000
feet, up across the main line of the
Pennsylvania Railroad and reaching to
the foot of a 70-foot hill, has a grade of
2.4 per cent The trains of many cars
are loaded down with Iron, coke and
mill and furnace products, and aggre
gate many tons to a car. The loconio-
THE WORLD'S BIGGEST LOCOMOTIVE.
tive is now in daily use, and Is said to
be highly satisfactory, not only In the
work accomplished, but In the econ
omy of fuel and water required.
The New York Central Railroad re
cently accomplished what was consider
ed a remarkable feat, lu the hauling of
80,000 bushels of grain a distance of
140 miles with a single mogul locomo
tive, having a weight of 123,000 pounds
on its drivers. It Is estimated that the
new locomotive on such a track as the
New York Central from Syracuse to Al
bany could haul a paying load of 135,
000 bushels of grain, or a net weight of
J.375 tons.
NEW FRENCH INVENTION.
Death Helmet Which May Take ths
Guillotine's Place.
Whether or not the stroke of the guil
lotine causes instant death, It is more
than likely that the raising of the ques
tion by Dr. Cinel will banish the ma-
ehiue which oweB Its origin to the reign
of terror.
For months past the French govern
ment has had in its hands a machine
mporlor to the guillotine In rapidity of
action, which causes no distortion of
visage and produces no scar.
The machine, which has been named
"L'Executloner" by its Inventor,
Francois Esclangon, a well-known
scientist and the editor of the Parisian
Le Monde Sclentiflque, Is like the hel
met worn by a fourteenth century cav
iller. From the top curves a long,
hollow, bar of steel, dividing near Its
end Into two portions, which approxi
mate closely two holes In the helmet
near the upper portion.
In the cavity of this bar are placed
two cartridges, run on grooves made In
the carved bar and attached to long,
niATn im.tiiT.
tarred needle. In the helmet are two
, nol atted wltn dlMk which can lie
m"ae 10 rtroivt untu tney come Into
opposition with the eyes of the rlctim.
Tu9 apparatus Is In communication
( 'lth a battery on a table near by which
" '""ir im "u i
tne ame t),ne to I'Iu" forward and
"nry themselves dwp In the frontal
or ,ue cnun, aestroyirig instantly
Tbe pTllJint of employing women is condin tors on
aevrral of tbe sinslli-r cltU serins to bsvt brovrd sucrns.
emoya si cnuilrotue, uiiio, a lx-al
la a polite, fslthfol aud conMrntlous
j loy rooimsna um repn sin iitiirsiioii or evpryboily. En the rougher rl.
1 Bnt of msokind, who would oot b-i!tst to Imtw on a rimn. irs touwl A,.w,
ny toe genuo lonaenr. ni io not
snow n wouia mi loiersirq ror s
ber, from families of reiecl.ility.
on aay on rsm wees, ana reeeive M
wna tu strert ear roanr d-idi to
' wads application. I'eople differ very
conductor morerneni. Many Have
" im 'irwM laoor ortamsalluna
aew conduct ,
a large portion of the white matter of
the cerebrum. Death Is Instantaneous
and paiLless, and only a simple prick
at the angle of each shows how the
dead man passed.
PHILIPPINE PETS.
Roostcra Take the Place of Dogs and
Cats.
Speaking of roosters, they are the na
tive dog In the Philippines. The inhab
itants pet and coddle them, smooth
down their plumage, clean their combs,
or pull out their tail feathers to make
them fight, to their heart's content, and
It Is a fact that these cackling grass
eaters realy seem to show affection for
their proprietors in as great a measure
as they exhibit hatred for their broth
ers. Every native has his fighting cock,
which Is reared with the greatest care
until he has shown sufficient prowess to
pntitle him to an entrauce into the cock
pit. In case of fire, the rooster is the
first thing rescued and removed to a
place of safety, for babies common
luxuries in the Philippines are a sec
ondary consideration.
It is almost impossible to walk along
any street in the suburban part of the
town without seeing dozens of natives
trudging along with roosters under
their arms, which are being talked to
and petted to distraction. At every oth
er little roadside hut an impromptu
battle will be going on between two
birds of equal or unequal merit, the two
proprietors holding their respective
roosters by the tails in order that they
may not come Into too close quarters.
The cockpits, where gatherings are held
on Thursdays and Sundays, are large
lnclosures covered with a roof of thatch
sewed on to a framework of bamboo;
they are open on all sides and banked
up with tiers of rude seats that sur
round a sawdust ring in the center. Out
side the gates to the flimsy structure
sit a motley crowd of women, young
and old, selling eatables whose dark,
greasy texture beggars description,
while here and there In the open spaces
a couple of natives will be giving their
respective roosters a sort of preliminary
trial with each other. As the show goes
on Inside, shouts and applause resound
at every opportunity, and at the close
of the performance a multitude of two
wheeled gigs carry off the victors with
their spoils, while the losers trudge
home through the dust on foot Chi
cago News.
A POLYQAMIST IN CONGRESS.
Roberts, Utah's New Member, Paid to
Have Four Wives.
At the recent election Brighara H.
Roberts was chosen as a member of
Congress from Utah. Roberts Is a Mor
mon, and was for years an elder of tho
milOHAM II. ItOHKRTS.
church and ono of Its missionaries. Be
fore the decree abolishing polygamy
be had married four times, and It Is
said be still lives with and supports all
four wives. The charge was made
against blm during the campaign, and
he did not make a denlaL A a matter
of fact he contends that to live with
four wives Is violating no law; that
the decree on polygamy merely prohll)-
Ited plural marrlHge, but did not forbid
men from discharging marital obliga
tion previously assumed.
Roberts has been In politics for sev
eral years. He declared a few year
ago that the Mormon Church should
bare nothing to do wltb the politics of
It member and was severely con
demned. ow no takes tho reverse
view and thus secured the aid of the
church, by wblcb means be was elected,
Tbe train from the south came to a
halt, and the returning soldiers piled
out of It "May I ask what I the mat
ter with your foot?" Inquired one of
the sympathizing and curious specta
tors, addresnlng a gaunt, camp-worn
volunteer, who was limping along the
platform, "(lout, ma'am," answered
the soldier, lifting lit battered bat and
passing on. Chicago Tribune,
Every one occasionally longs for the
klndix-N that I shown a rich man Juxt
befor be dies.
the ilrwt cr of
ftiklin f tli'Hur
pir ssys that they perform their duties
man tier, wltb no funny bulin-M sUut it, ai,4
attempt any forblddra privilege, for they
moment. J 1)4 rotirlttotors art seven In Dum
The womru work bine hours arb dsy, wltb
Wie for their semres. At Madison, Ind
put i,n women eondui'tors nearly ll girl
tmi, h la their opinions rrfsrdlna the female
comol; loej and protetrftd against the lonova
ar ueclallr active In bimoaitkin th
MAN.HUNTERS HER PRIDE.
An Hnilitwoman Who Rninea Itlood
hound4 to Track Criminals.
What time she Is not compelled to de
vote to social doings is spent by Mrs.
Edwin Brough, one of London's smart
women. In training and developing
bloodhounds for the specific work of
running down persons who may be
fugitives from justice. Mrs. Brough is
fatuous as a horsewoman, and has for-)
years been known all over Great Brit
ain as one who can break a colt with
any man In the kingdom. It Is her
boast that she could sit a horse before
,i !
l A ..' -V
m t
't.k J
mm
MItS. BltOUOH AND HER HOUNDS.
she could walk, and anyone who has
seen her invincible seat In the saddle
has no difficulty In believing the state
ment. When at her country place she
never lets a day pass without exercis
ing a few of the sagacious man-hunters
which are her chief delight. No whipper-in
from Land's End to John o'
Groats can handle a pack of foxhounds
better, and as to the bloodhounds, even
her own kennel master concedes her
superiority. Three of these noble brutes
Clotho, Brocalle and Benedicta she
hnsbroughtto the point of absolute per
fection. These animals have been tried
experimentally scores of times and nev
er failed to meet every requirement So
well trained are they that when they
overtake the person hunted they mani
fest not the slightest desire to do him
1 .lHA..t.lnJ .1.- !.(.. ,1, ., 1
liu i ill, yruviuuu iue lugiuve will uiuy i
remain quiet. The dogs simply sur- i
round him and stand there watchfully
until Mrs. Brough reaches the spot, af- ,
ter which they show little or no inter
est in the man they have been chasing,
evidently realizing that their work is
done.
SEA BIRDS AND THEIR EGGS.
Hunters Contest with Gulls for Pos
session of the Spoils.
If the murre Is disturbed by an egg
unter and Its single egg taken It will
return and replace Its successively
tolen ovum until eight have been laid,
t Is loath to leave Its tiest, even when
the despoller approaches, aud when he
comes up she leans away from him and
moves over to the far side of the nest.
But presently, yielding to the alarm
within her breast, she emits a sudden
squawk and files off, flushing the en
tire rookery as she moves toward the
sea, leaving the pickers to fill their
pouched shirts with the booty. They
must hurry tbe work, for as soon as
the eggs are uncovered the gulls hover
close and become thick upon the scene.
These the men must light off, for they
brazenly interpose themselves and bat-
tie with the humans for the possession
of the eggs.
The opportunity being open, the gull
sweeps down upon the murre egg,
selz.es it lu Its mouth and goes sailing
aloft, cracks It In Its bill and gobbles
what of Its contents It can, the residue
fulling on the rocks below. Then It
takes another swoop away and bal
ances Itself to spy out a new egg. The
gull's egg Is palatable.
That these Islands were a great re
pository of edible eggs became known
In the early '50s. At the time of the
discovery of this fact provisions were
scarce and gold plentiful In San Fran
cisco, and the rookery eggs offered In
the markets of that city brought one
dollar a dozen. The opening of thl
new aud free opportunity to acquire
wealth precipitated iiuiiiImti of people
upon the Inlands and In tbo business of
egg gathering, ljuarrels ensued be
tween the competitor as to their re
spective "rights" In the premises, wltb
tho result that a company was formed
among a number of the pickers, wblcb
bought out the claims of the others.
This company managed to hold onto
Its advantage for some years, not.
however, without experiencing contest
and encroachments, utitll the bicker-
lugs ultimately grew so fierce as to at
tract tho attention of the United States
district attorney at San Francisco. He
sent a detachment of government sol
dier there and deported every egg
picker. Harper' Magazine.
A 811k. Worm of the Hea.
Silk Is obtained from the thcllflsb
known a the pinna (mytllldae), which
I found lu tho Mediterranean. Thl
sIii-HIIhIi has the power of spinning a
viscid sl!k which lu Sicily I made Into
a regular aud very hiindaoine fabric.
The silk Is spun by the sIicIIIImIi, In the
first lustnuce, for the purpose of attach
ing Itself to Ihe rocks. It I able to
guide Ihe delicate filaments to the
proper place and (hero glue them fust,
and If they are cut away It can repro
duce them.
The mu t i-rlul when gathered (wblcb
I done at low tide) Is washed In s mp
and water, dried, tralgbti-ned and
carded, one pound of tbe coarse 0 la
ment yielding a boii t three ounce of
flue thread, which when spun Is of a
lovely burnished golden brown color.--New
York Herald.
A might lilfT rence.
A London Journal, U-lls of a certain
lady who ha lu her roo-ru a piece of
statuary wblcb bear the Inscription, 1
"Klsinet" The housemaid w as dusting
the room one day, when tbe mist res I
appeared.
"Hure. ma am," all the girl, "would
you mind tclllu' me the m'aiiln' of this
writiu on tu imimoiii oi iiiis nggerr
"'Klsinet mean 'fate'," answered
tbe lady.
"Hure, an' I that It?" said (be girl.
A few day afterward the housemaid
came limping Into ln-r mistress' room.
"Why, what I the matter with you,
Bridget r asked the lady.
"U tn' m, sure au' 1 hare the moat
I u rr I hi cvsrua ou me kUtuetr' auld the
g)rL
a, vs..
YAWPS A
.3 'iVA
mm
W w
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, Curious and Laughable Phases
of Human Nature Graphically Por
trayed by Eminent Word Artiata of
Our Own Day A Budget af Fun.
To Continue the Strife."-
navlng had a taste of war, Lieut
Huggins seems to want more of it."
"Why; has he decided to go into the
regular army?"
"No; but he Is going to get married
next week."
Mamma' Idea.
Little Harry Mamma, what's a
Bacciiannallan revel?
Mamma That's a polite name for
those social events your papa's club
gets up every little while.
No Inducement There.
"Ah! young lady, I was young and
beautiful myself once, and then I nev
er refused a poor woman."
"Well, the result Isn't exactly encour
aging."
A Possible Remedy.
"Cyrano should have married."
"Why?"
"It might have Improved his nose
to have it held down on the matrimon
ial grindstone." Chicago Record.
A Fuggestlon,
"I think the names 'Yale' and 'Har
vard' should be given to two of our
regular war ships."
"Well, what's the matter with Vas
ear?" ruck.
Does Just as Well.
"My employer Is so queer: I can't
tell when he's pleased."
"Well, you can toll when he's dis
pleased, can't you?" Chicago Record,
Identified.
Little Albert Pa, who were the sev
en sleepers?
Pa They were the first policemen
that we have any record of.
Hardly Kver Quiet.
Dollle Was It a quiet spot where
you kissed Mollle?
Chollle No; It was on the mouth.
Chicago Journal.
Sometimes
She Are you a vegetarian?
The Poet Yes, off and on. Puck.
The Last Word, of Coarse.
He Don't you believe Unit In the
majority of divorce cases the woman
was to blame?
She Of course, I do. She should
never have married. Philadelphia
Record.
The Man to Talk To.
Judge I don't want to see you here
again.
Prisoner I wish you'd say that to
the policeman. Somervillo Journal.
An Iconoclast.
Miss Tomiuey Mr. Hunting Is a sin
gtilar man.
Mlse Fllklns How so?
Miss Tommey He says he doesn't
like golf.
Miss Fllklns But lots of men don't
like golf,
Miss Tommey Yes, but Mr. Runtln
say he don't care who know It
Judge.
A Foregone Conclnalon.
"What a tall girl Itrlghnm's daughter
lias grown to bet She must be six feet
at least."
"Yes, but she' a mighty nice girl an
the little fellow that's going to marry
ber will be a lucky chap."
"Who Is he?"
"I don't know."
"But you Just spoke of blm a a little
fellow."
"Well, being a tall girl, she wouldn't
marry any but a little fellow, would
Bhe?"
Doubtful Compliment.
"By Jove, I'm awfully glad lo see
you here, Mia Brown. When I first
I came In I felt quit nervous every
j body looked bo awfully clever."
' Punch.
Ills Mistake.
He I believe you cared for me Ihe
first time we ever met
She Wby, what make you think
that?
He-Because you kept looking at me
ao steadily. Every time I glanced In
your direction your guze waa riveted
uHin me,
Hh-Oh, tint It wasn't because I bad
fallen In love wltb you. I was think
ing what a pity It was that there was
ou. .nr and dear to you who could
tell you what wretched taste you had
In necktie.
Jtstousr.
First Venerable Msu-I met old Hill
Jones Just now, ami be bad the as
Bdrauce lo tell me that be felt a fresh
a a two year-old.
Hei-ond Venerable Man Likely be
..... - - - - - - - y
till Journal.
Revenge.
"Well, I've finally got even with old
Rockingham for refusing to have me
as a son-in-law."
"How did you do it?"
"I was a member of the committee
that was appointed to Initiate him In,
our lodge the other night. They say he
won't get out of the hospital for a
month."
A Chance to Make Money
Mrs. Teck Henry, I've been talking
to you for twenty minutes, and I'll bet
you don't know a word I've said.
Mr. Peck Say, go and try to get
somebody outside of the family to take
that bet, will you?
H-irkine Hack.
Mrs. Acklins I don't want to be Im
pertinent, but how old are you, any
way? Some of the ladles were discuss
ing your age at the club the other day,
and several of them claimed that you
were,at least 35, but I Insisted that you
were not more than 33.
Mrs. Blswlck I'm glad you were so
kind. Of course, you didn't mention
the fact that you were ready to leave
the grammar grade when I was in the
primary class at school, did you?
FuBplcinus,
Mr. Bllmbus I'm afraid John has got
into bad company down there at col
lege. He must be gambling.
Mrs. Bllmbus Why, what makes you
think that?
Mr. Bllmbus I got a letter from him
this morning in which he didn't ask
for money. I wonder if he knows how
to stack the cards?
Now They Are Ftranirers.
ne What lovely flowers! Do
you
know, they remind me of you?
She Why, they are artificial.
He Yes, I know; but it requires close
examination to detect It
Not Good Money.
"He has money to burn."
"Is it really as badly torn and mutlb
ated as that?" Chicago Post
Living: Up to His Principles.
"Look here!" exclaimed the woman
who had made a sandwich for a tramp
and then thoughtlessly left him alone
for a minute within reach of two
whole pies, "what do you mean by eat
ing all that pie?"
"Madam," replied the tramp politely,
as he let his belt out another hole, "I
am a believer lu expansion." Chicago
Post
Looking; ISnckwnrd.
"What were the most striking things
you saw while you were In Europe?"
"The people who were always strik
ing me for tips."
They Always Do.
Clara What became of that young
Woodby you refused lust winter?
Maude (who is still single) Oh, he
married provokingly well.
Of Course.
a -c
mmm,
4-1. .t-
"Wot am I molkin'?
course, stoopld?"
Bicycle, of
A Mntunl Performance.
"Do you have any rulu.to regulate
shaking bauds?"
"Well, I never shake hands with any
man ofteuer than he shakes band
with me." Chicago Record.
Timely l.ric-a-ISrnc.
"Clara Is always up to date."
"What now?"
"She rented wooden Indians to decor
ate her parlors for that afternoon tea."
Detroit Jouruul.
Dreaklna Out.
"There goe an art enthusiast, Tom.
Want to paint Her mind Is full of It."
"Yes. It shows on her face." Collier
Weekly.
Getting tool.
Mrs. Spark I gues Lulu aud Har
ry are gradually drifting apart since
liu's gone back to college. I don't be
lieve they care as much for each other
a they did, and I wouldn't be surpris
ed If we could break up the affair yet
Mr. Sparks Ah, that good. But
what reason have you for thinking thai
their affection Is cooling?
Mrs. Sparks-Well, she' receiving
only one letter a day from blm now.
Her Idea.
Mamie I don't see how you can go
on encouraging blm when you are al
ready engaged.
JesHlo Well, 1 read somewhere once
that lu order to avoid disappointment
In life It is always well to have more
than two strings to your bow, and It
seem to me that having more than
one Ix'nti on your string Is part of th
same logic.
Author' Vu,cr Hell-Made Names.
Robert Koiilliey once wrote uuder the
name of "Abel Slnilllebottoiu;" Mat
thew Ar.lold bid blliiNilf behind the
modest Initial "A.;" Richard Whately
wa "A Country Pastor;" Wbltclaw
Reld was "Agate;" John RiiHkln was
"A Cradiiate of Oxford;" Kiishu Keuul
more Cooper was "A Lady;" Sir Waller
Scott waa "A Layman;" Robert South
ey wa "Alvarea lprlella;" Richard
C'obden wa "A Manchester Manufac
turer;" J. Fcnlmore Cooper was "Ad
American;" Thomn Moore wns "An
Irish Man;" Donald U. Mitchell wai
"An Opera J(x-r;" Matthew Arnold
wa "Ariiilulu von Tbiindertentroiic
klu" (Pall Mall (Jii7.ettei; K. A. Poo wa
"Arthur Cordon Pym;" William Makepeace-Thackeray
was "Arthur Peiiden
his;" lletiry Watterson wa "As
Treiiehard;" Jame Russell Iiwell wai
"A Wonderful Qui."
When a mnn die, aud hi w ife I left
to take rare of Ihe home, ihe spend
two thirds of her time In running after
a carpenter.
Lot of men who make w itty remark!
are too dense to realise tbe fact, ,
-figs' M Tv