ABOUT WOMEN FOLKS
Nothing They Ever Do Astonishes
Deacon Spooner.
MEN
FO LKS
TAKE CHANCES.
“ When a Feller Think* He’s Got to
Know His W ife About as Well as
8he Knows Herself He’s Bound to
Get a Jar,” Says the Deacon
[C o p y rig h t. 1907. by E. C. P a r c e l l s ]
“ I w a s n ’t a bit a s to n ish e d .” said
Deacon S pooner as he s a t dow n on the
postoffice ste p s a t Je rich o to w ait for
the m all to conic In "no. sir, I w asn’t
a hit a s to n ish ed w hen Lem uel Fair-
batiks cam e o v er th is a fte rn o o n to
where 1 w us w orking In th e g ard en
and said that his w ife h ad run aw ay.
N othing that women folks ever do as­
tonishes me.
“A wom an may turn out to be an
angel or she may turn out to be a
tarnasbun mule.
‘‘The feller who marries ’em has got
to take his chances.
“Wlieu a feller thinks he’s got to
know his w ife about as w ell as she
________________________
“ 8 H K S AT W IT H H Kit FKJ£T U F IN A N m U L i.
('H A 1 It ANI> S A ID HUK WASN' T (iO IN O T<
DO NO MolUC WOKK.
know s herself he's bound to get a jar
H e's bound to find out that he don’t
know her at all.
‘‘Take a hog. now. and you can find
out ail about him lu an hour. lie was
born a hog. and he’s going to stay one
till you turn him Into pork. You can
depend upon him until you start to
drive him som ewhere.
“It don’t take a feller long to learn
the w ays of a cow. Hhe’ll eith er Jump
fen ces or she won’t. She’ll either kick
the m ilking pall o fe r or she won’t.
She’ll either settle dow n and grow fat
or she'll be trespassing nil over the
fields and I k * as thin as a mil.
“I’ve got n yoke of oxen ten years
old. I've known the critters ever since
they w as yearlings. I know Just what
they will or they won’t do under sartln
sarcum stances. If there’s solid ground
and it’s a hit downhill under their
feet they’ll hump them selves to pull
an oak tree up by the roots. If It’s
so ft ground and uphill they won’t pull
hard nuff to bring a tow el off the
clothesline.
“I’ve got an old hoss sixteen years
old. I learned his w ays before he w as
four. If he gets the lines u n d e r hi
tall when I’m driving lie’s going t»
kick. Can’t say why. but he’ll do it
If he m eets a flock of sh e ep in the
road he’s going to bust for the fence
one side or t’other. Can’t say how he
reasons, but aw ay he'll go, and some
thing will I k * sm ashed. 1 know him
from head to tall, and 1 drive him ac
cordingly.
n u sn e n a e su e w as. W ent to ch u rch
O U k P 0 d L "R Y SHOW .
as reg u lar a s a clock, am i too’# It out
on me ’cause 1 s ta y e d hom e an d read
i To be Held in Dr.Ma* on December
a novel.
| “ W aal. 1 m arried her. T h e re a r e m en
26th, 27th. 28th.
s ittin g rig h t h ere w ho can rem em b er
th e n ig h t 1 b ru n g h e r hom e. I w as
I m ending th e back fence one d ay a Four Hundred Coops Full of Polk’s
| week la te r w hen 1 heard her sw earin g ,
Fancy Birds.
i I w en t lu. a n d sh e Hwore a t me. She
s a t w ith her feet up In a n o th e r c h a ir
| an d sa id she w a s n ’t going to do any
m ore w ork. She d id n ’t. 1 had to do Dallas Furniture Company’s Store
it all. S he got b eer an d w hisky, an d
Room the Place.
j sh e choked m oney out of me an d m ade
It fly. N othing w as like w h a t I th o u g h t
It w as. I’d m ade a bigger fool o f m y­
self th a n before, even though 1 had
my eyes open.
“T w o m o n th s had gone by. a n d I w as
try in g to sta n d it. w hen th e p reach er
I called one day. 1 had ta k e n It th a t
| religion w as S a ra h ’s stronghold, but
I the m in u te th e prea« her m entioned it
sh e ru n Him o u t o f th e house an d dow n
th ro u g h th e gate.
How It AM Ended.
“ I reckon th e re ’s nobody in Je ric h o
w ho do n ’t know how it all ended. One
night a f te r sh e had pulled m e o ut
of l>ed and d rag g ed me o u td o o rs 1
s ta rte d fo r T ex as am i sta y e d th ere
long ’nuff to get my second divorce.
" I ’m a-telllug you th a t I d o n ’t l>e-
lieve th e r e ’s a m an o r a c r itte r on e a r th
w ho cau m ak e a fool of a m an rnore’n
tw ice o v er a m an w ith any b ra in s u n ­
d er his h a t —hut you leave it to th e wo­
men folks, and th e y ’ll do It h a lf a doz­
en lim es over. W hen I w as s o rte r s h y ­
ing a ro u n d a f te r my th ird w ife th ere
w as fo lk s In tow n h ere yvho sa id th ey
IIK LK N OF TUL)V.
should th in k I’d hud all th e m a rry in g
l w anted. 1 d id n ’t pay an y a tte n tio n
At th e last m eetin g of th e Folk C oun­
to the rem ark s. G e ttin g m arried or
s ta y in g siu g le Is a m a n ’s ow n business. ty P o u ltry li a i s e » A ssociation, it was
decided to give a free show . P o u ltry -
A tin p ed d ler told me of n w idder wo­ m en from various p a rts of th e co u n ty
m an o v er in D obbs F e rry , a n d I w en t
over to see her. 1 w as took ag a in a t
first s ig h t—forty y e a rs old: stro n g a s
a horse; n ev er’d hud a d a y ’s sic k n ess;
could e a t raw tu rn ip s like a cow.
"I d id n ’t say n o th in g ab o u t m a rria g e
till I’d been o v er th ere a dozen tim es
an d ask ed a heap of people a heap of
questio n s. I s a t w ith her. I ta lk e d
w ith h er. I a te w ith her. N othing
w rong; e v e ry th in g all O. Iv T h en 1
popped, an d sh e said yes. You all re­
m em ber w hen I b ru n g her home. Som e j
of you sa id sh e ’d be a s good a s a n o th e r
yoke of oxen to me.
F irs t T hing She Did.
“ W as sh e ? Tin* first th in g «he did
wuh to get peevish an d find fa u lt w ith
were p re s e n t, an d all w ere g re a tly s u r ­
ev ery th in g . T h en sh e had liv er com ­ prised a t th e w ork a n d su ccesj of th e
p lain t an d hack ach es an d consum ption various com m ittees. T h e d a te of th e
an d I d o n ’t know w h a t else, b u t I paid p o u ltry show w as se t for D ecem ber 2t>,
o ut nigh $500 for p a te n t m edicines In
tw o y e a rs, an d th en sh e died J u s t a t
the tim e ap p les w as read y for drying.
I a in ’t a-say ln g a w ord a g a in s t her,
’cau se s h e ’s dead, h u t sh e w a s n ’t no
m ore tlie w om an I took her to be an d
all the folks said sh e w as th a n buck
w h e a t Is like corn.
“ I ’m now a-living w ith No. 4. I’m
a-say ln g so ’cau se you all know so an d
’cau se m ost of you rem ark e d w hen I
w as co u rtin g h er th a t I o rte r be sen t
to the Idiot asy lu m . I h a in ’t never said
a n y th in g back. 1 ta k e It th a t it ’s for a
m an to sa y w h e th e r he’ll q u it tin* job
a t one o r tw o w iv es o r to keep on th e
fo u rth . T h is one, a s you know , w as
a n old m aid, an d 1 w as tw o y e a rs
c o u rtin g an d finding o ut a b o u t her. I
h a in ’t got b ut Jest a w ord to say. I
s ta rte d o ut by sa y in g th a t we m en
folks d o n ’t kuow w om en folks am i
n ev er w ill, and to prove It I’m d e c la r­
ing th a t w hen 1 go hom e th is ev en in g
I d o n ’t know w h e th e r my w ife will
p re c ip ita te h erself Into my a rm s an d
give me a kiss or w h e th e r sh e ’ll p re ­
cip ita te me o utdoors an d give me a
kick. And now th e re com es th e m ail, 27, 28, a t A dam s A* ( V s big sto re. T he
association has Iwmgbt 400 coops and
an d th a t’s fill.”
M. QUAD.
th e catalo g u e, p rem iu m list an<J e n try
b lan k s are p rin te d an d it is u p to th e
They Were Hard to See.
r 'n
WIRT LtflB
I
K tC ,'!M rO I
C P
ea
■ g ra so sa
— and see the 00 finest
TO line THE of RACKET-— in the
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Christmas Goods
pu«
city. Toys and Dolls for little ones, also a nice
line to pick from for the grownups. Come and
see us before you buy and get our prices.
F. S. R A M S E Y , Prep.
r u g a n 'j
ELECTRICITY FOR LIGHFING IS ONLY EXPENSIVE TO PEOPIE
WHO ARE WASTFUL AND CARELESS. TO YOU, WHO ARE
NATURALLY CAREFUL, IT DOES NOT COME HIGH.
¿ 7 : f ä ‘. U
5*3»»
It is economical because it can be quickly turned off when not needed. With
8as
kerosene there is the temptation to let light burn when not needed, to
save bother of lighting and adjusting, In some homes the electric light bill
amounts to only about $2 per month. You can probably get some kind of artifi­
cial light tor less money than electric light, but does it save you anything when it
limits opp irtunities for work and recreation, ruins your eyesight, smokes your
walls, mars decora.ions and increases household work. You can probably
save a dollar to morrow by going without your meals, but it wouldn’t be econ-
omy. It is not so much what you save, but, how you save, that counts. We
are always ready to explain the “ins and outs” of the lighting proposition to
you, Oall on us or phone to us. We are never too busy to talk business.
KÍ . . l i - *
© es
BhôVn ..a
Can Understand Most Men.
“A feller can understand most men
If Lemuel Jackaou says lie’ll bring me
a ton of hay tomorrow’ at $16 the ton
I’m going to depeud on it. If Darius
Taylor sa y s he’U sell me a bar* I o f pork
next fall I’m feeling as sa fe ns if the
bar’l w as already In the cellar. I've
com e down here to I’ap Perkins’ gro­
cery and post office every night of tuy
life for the last tw enty years.
Pup
has aliu s been the same. He w as the
sam e the day his w ife got bit by a
mad dog. He w as the sam e wheu he
fell off a load of hay and broke fils
leg. The rest of you are Jest the same.
W e’ve nil had chances to he m eaner ’n
plzen toward each other, but w e hain’t
taken advantage of 'em.
“But when you come dow n to wotn-
•u folks—th at’s different. W hen I was
tw enty-five I th o u g h t I u n d ersto o d ’em
and would have ln»t u cow a gin a
lam b I did. hut I ain't ta lk in g th at
way now
I’m Jest sayin g that they
are a puzzle, and 1 wouldn’t liet on
>ra nohow.
“I ain't sayin g nothing hut w hat you
all know’ when I say that I’m living
with my fourth w ife. Borne folks have
been kind nuff to say that It’s two
too m any, but I reckon It’s as one feeia
about It.
'T thought my first w ife w as au
angel. L’sed to run In on her at al*
tim es when courting, hut a lw a y s found
her as placid ns a millpond. N ever
•bow ed the sligh test temper, uot even
when she stum bled over a hog. Said
that If an yth in g happened to me she’d
com m it suicide. I»rd. but If any one
had told m e that I didn't know that
gn! I’d have answ ered that he’d le tte r
go to the lunatic asylum .
“W e’d t»e«Hi married four w’eeks
when she pulled out a handful of my
aide w hiskers because 1 stepped on her
corn
“We'd been married eight when sh**
said she wished I w as dead.
"W p hadn't l>een murrled quite six
m onths when I com e home with a ead
o f pum pkins one day and fonnd that
sh e ’d run aw ay with a Mghtuing rod
man. I didn't foller her. hut let her
run and have never heard o f her since.
Where I thought I knew all I didn't
know the first goeh-hanged thing.
“I w asn ’t going to be m ade a fool of
the sscoud time, and after 1 got ray
divorce I w en t up town for the w inter
and to look around. Got a Itoarding
house, and I hadn't looked at the laud-
lady tw ice when I knew she w as the
w ife for me. She w as m otherly; she
w as sym pathetic she w as Having; she
tM
Never saw % wom an ou the
E. W. K E A R N E S ,
Manager, Dallas, Oreegon.
Office oil M ill s tre e t, ju s t n o rth of th e c o u rt house.
P h o n es:
Bell, 421, M u tu a l, 12!I7.
“ W hat Is the c h a rg e a g a in st th e prls-
oner, officer?”
“ S hare, an d th e m on h as no visible
m eans of su p p o rt.” - B ohem ian.
A Poser.
We want every person in Polk County to take
T h e
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It e t n iz e r
To that end for the next 30 days we will offer a six
months subscription at 50 cents. This does not
apply to renewals in any way, but is only for per-
sons npt now taking The Itemizer.
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the ladies were to have the
privilege of proposing. I greatly fear
that som e of us fellow s would I k * left.”
“In that case wouldn’ t the ladieti b*
right?’ ’
Two of a Kind.
“H ow did you like the serm on?”
“It w as a dream .”
“Mure you are not gettin g It m ixed
In your mind wi th the hat of Mrs
Realrocks In the seat alleati of you?”
Forsstallsd.
•Van she s i o f f
r
.
“Oh. yea.*’
“ Why d oesn ’t she?”
•T h ey pay her n salary not t«v"
Skiddoo.
H e r c o o k in g w a s a ll r ig h t. In d e n t,
Th(*v liv ed In h a r m o n y .
B u t s till to p a r t h e f e lt th e n e e # -
He d found a sweet affinity.
♦ e •
—
T h e P o e t r y M a r k o t.
S o n n e ts .
■ u!> w ith a s lig h t u p w a rd
te n d e n c y .
Ttiol* is. firm n o tw f ih n ta g d ln a so m e p ro fit !
ta k in g .
D ialect W r a e lu ild s n
I n d ia n a f ir s ts In
g reat dem and.
R o n d e a u s f lu c tu a tin g : o p e n e d d l V clo se d
W: h ig h »3»..
E p ics, n o sal« s
Y llla n tll« * . d u ll.
B la n k Vers*». <iuiet S o m e w a s h s a le s r e ­
p o rte d .
M a g a z in e Q u a tr a in s . liv e ly ; U i bid. I S
n ak e d .
C o u p le t* , brin k
C h ris tim a s Vers*- f.>r I m m e d ia te d e t » e r y .
v e fv a c tiv e : r e c e ip ts u n e q u a l to d e ­
m and.
R u m . IS to th e e ffec t th a t s o m e o f th e
la r g e s t v e rs e f n in d r le s w ill g o o n
h a l f tim e o r s h u t d o w n a J to g e th s r
e r e v ig o ro u s ly d e n ie d
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CHRISTMAS NCifELTIES
t e price of th e e n tra n c e lee. Address
II n u n m tin'Yu tin ns to J . K. Bee* ley, I
alls C ity, O regon.
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Rf.xr.T.t.tt.f.r.r.v (*.t . f i r m
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----- IN P R O F U S IO N A T ------
L. D. Daniels ’ Music Store
DALLAS, ORECON
I
the finest line of novelties in Christmas goods
ever brought to the city, comprising Christmas tree
decorations of all kinds, bells, wreathe, stringers,
etc. Swell lot of burnt leather goods.»o a cushions,
table scarfs, and many other handsome and useful
novelties in this line. Christmas records for your
phonograph. Christmas postal cards. Musical in­
struments of ail kinds.
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