THE OREGON SCOUT.
8 A CHANCEY, - Publishers
UNION, OREGON.
RELIGIOUS GLEANINGS.
Tb Methodist Episcopal general confer
of 1893 trill bo held in Omaha.
There aro said to bo several churches in II
3Ibo1s without a single malo member. ,
The Reformed Episcopal church numben
0 xhnrches, 120 ministers and 12,000 com
xauni cants.
Tho Now Jerusalem church of tho TJnlteo
States at n meeting recently held in Bostot.
Totod to form a national organization.
Tho Irish Catholic archbishops and bishop
havo issued an address declaring that tin
pope's decree affects morals only and dock
not interfere with 'xilltlcs.
Tho Presbyterian church gavo $800,000 for
homo missions last year, yet deducting tho
Amount from this which represents legacies
and it only represents a gift of 82 conts per
member.
President C. II. Fayno, of Ohio Wcsleynn
university, having been elected secretary of
tho nowly created board of education of tho
'Methodist church, will bo compelled to re
sign his ofllco.
Tho first American Sabbath school of which
wo have any defluito knowledgo was started
in Ephratn, lancnster county, I'a., about
17359, by Ludwig Hacker, a teacher in tho
common schools. It was carried on by him
for ulxiut forty years and was attended with
some remarkable results. This antedates
Robert Ralkos (1781) and David Ulair (1700).
A now church is organized every two days
by tho Presbyterian church. Every threo
days n Presbyterian minister dies. Tho de
nomination imports from other Christian
bodies sixty ministers per year to fill vacan
cies. Tho secretaries of tho Homo Mission
board aro not burdened to find places for
ministers applying for service; they aro
burdened rather to find ministers to fill
parishes now vucnnt und enter missionary
fields already open.
Bishop Andrews, of tho Methodist Episco
pal church, whoso episcopal residence hitherto
bag been in Washington, D. U., now goes to
Wow York. Bishop Foss leaves Minneapolis
(or Philadelphia; Bishop Hurst, Buffalo for
Washington, whilo of tho nowly olocted
bishops, Bishop Vincent goes to Buffalo,
irhero ho will bo near Chautauqua; Bishop
TfUgerald to Minneapolis, Bishop Joyco to
Chattanooga, Bishop No wmau to Omaha, and
Bishop Goodsell to Texas.
SCIENTIFIC SQUIBS.
Tho Sheffield froo library has adopted tho
plan of fumigating tho books. Thoy aro ox
posed for fifteen minutes to tho funics of car
bolic acid ut a tcmpcraturo of from 150 dogs.
toSOOdegs.
Ono of tho most romarkablo mechanical
-changes of tho day is tho setting nsido of
tool and tho adoption of iron for soma of tho
most important parts of locomotives on many
railroads. It is only comparatively a few
years since tho change was made, on most
roads, from irou to stool.
Dr. Urundman, of Hlrschborg, has patented
anew process of making inaguosin into a
etu-bonato by exposing it to carbonic acid as
produced by burning roko in closo npart
sasats. It thus forms a substanco as hard as
magnosita, and capable of taking u lino
polish. Mixed with marblo dust it forms nn
artificial dolomite; with soluble silicutes an
artificial stucco.
Tho power of various explosives has been
calculated to bo equivalent to tho following
pressure, tho figures giving tons wr square
Inch: Emmensito, a new oxploslvo, for which
Important advantages nro claimed in uddi
Uon to great iover, 2811; nitro-glycorino,
Kt; oxploslvo golatino, 253; forcito, 250; oxo
mito,240; pnnclustite, 203; gun cotton, 11)8;
dynamite, Ml: atlas, 133; raekarock, 117;
roburlte, 21, and blasting gunpowder, 23.
"Railway brain" is a term applied by Dr.
Thomson to a neurosis or general derange
ment of tho nerves produced by a shock re
ceived by tho head on n railway car. In tho
particular case described no wound was re
ceived, and consciousness was preserved at
the time of tho injury. Afterwards the'
patient becatno melancholia and complained
of insomnia, headache, spinal pain, weari
ness and failuroof appetite. A hygienic and
palliative treatment was givcii.
"W. A. Lyman, of Milford, Conn., Is mak
ing tho smallest possiblo socImcn of an
engine. It will bo malo with a silvor half
dollar. Tho lollo.r is to hold about eight dropn
of water, but with four drops tho engine can
to worked several minutes. When finished
It Is to bo placed under glass case three
quarters of nn inch in diameter and nn inch
and ouo-clghth in height, Some of the parts
will bo so Hue and dulicato that they cannot
bo made without tho use of u magnifying
tlass.
j TRACK TALK
The rtakos to bo deckled nt tho groat Ten
nossoo fair, Sept. 21-20, closed with good en.
tries.
Two hundred and nineteen stallions have
got three or moro performers wiUi records of
e:30 or better.
Tho Oakland Trotting courso nnd tho Bay
District association, Ban Francisco, have
been consolidated under tho management of
J. W. lliuclmmn.
Red Bank stock farm, Montreal, has
bought from John Wilson, of Ottawa, tho
baybtalllon, 4 years old, by lied Wilkes,
dam by Shelby Chief, for 2,000.
H. W. T. Mall, president of tho National
Association of Trotting Ilorso Brooders, has
been contlued to his bed since last November
with n vlolcutnttnck of gout, and his doctors
tmvo ordered him to Europe to take u
court) of baths ut Hoyut, Franco,
By capturing the Kentucky Derby nnd the
Kentucky handicap tho Chicago stable heads
the list of winning owners nt ljouisvlllo with
I10.U.T to its credit. Tho Melbouruo stable
Is clowi on tho heels of tho other, having
fO.CSO to Its credit. Next como Miko Welch,
with ei.IW; J. W. Guest, W.U2I; Bryant &
Bcrogglns, $2,183; Ed Corrigun, (1,817.
Tho present Bam Ward, of tho Washington
lobby, is described as a tall, lino looking gen
tleman of courtly manners, a Virginian by
birth, und during tho war a Conf oderatu surf-eon.
Tho grand vltler of Turkey had to pawn
some of the silverware belonging to tho sul
tan to robe tho sultan's contribution toward
the expense of the annual pilgrimage of
poor Muumlmaus to Mecca.
Tho first player to glvo his catcher nnd
eutueldoin higus us to tho kind of lull ho
was ubout to pitch was Harry Wright when
bo was clmngu pitcher for tho famous Red
Blockings, vt Ci'uclnuatl, in lhTO. Harry
worked the fast und slow ball, nwi would
always let his catcher and outfielder know
when he was going to tons a good one over
aUe plate.
WHERE THIEVES 'CANNOT ENTER.
Interior of a Sale Deposit Vault A Itlch
Alan's 3,O0,000 Confidence.
"So you think it would bo an easy matter
for an expert bank burglar to break into our
vaults r sold tho president of a safo deposit
company. "Como In with mo and sco for
yourself."
Back through tho office ho led tho reporter,
through an Iron lattlco work artition, and
theuco into tho stono walled Iron lined in
closure, nnd this is how it looked:
Tho ceilings, walls nnd doors of tho com
portments aro all lined with tho heaviest rail
road Iron, tho nlternato pieces being Inverted
so as to present a solid mass, without any In
terstices. Heavy bolts running In each di
rection bind tho whole firmly together, mak
ing tho six sides impregnublo.
Surrounding this Inner Iron frnmo aro
heavy layers of stono, cement and brick.
This structure Is n shell and protecting cover
for tho different iron monoy boxes, which
contain moro shckols and plasters than
Crcesus over dreamed of. Each of tho safes
is built In tho most approved lire and burglar
proof stylo. Tho walls aro doublo, tho Inner
shell being of alternate layers of hard and
soft stool, each ono and a half inches in thick
ness, making a shell about thrco inches thick.
Between tho outer aiid inner walls is an air
possugo sovcral Inches thick, In lieu of tho
flro proof padding of plaster cement and
epsom salts ordinarily used. Tho outer wall
is composed of .layers of Iron about two inclus
thick.
Thcro nro two doors to each safo, ono for
tho Inner wall and tho other for tho outer
sbclL Tho outer door has a doublo combina
tion lock and also a time lock. Tho latter
will not allow tho safo to bo ocncd oven if
tho combination bo kno'in until ufter tho
timo limit shall havo expired. Tho tinio lock
will not allow tho snfo to bo opened between
tho hour of closing in tho evening and the
timo of opening tho building tho uoxt day.
With nil theso safeguards the president said
that tho safes will defy all tho efforts of tho
world, tho llcsh and the devil to burst them
open und appropriate their contents. Tho
outer door of tho vuult Is opened by means of
u largo steel lover. Each of tho safes is ubout
eight feet in breadth, tho samo in height und
twenty feet in length, and each will weigh
50,000 pounds.
"What do you think of that?" asked tho
president when tho jouruoy had been ended.
"It looks strong enough."
"Looks? Why, my boy, thero isn't n
burglar in Now York, nor a score of them,
who could break into theso vaults inside of
fifty-six hours. And wo havo not tho only
safo boxes in New York. Thcro nro u dozen
or moro equally strong. I know ono box In
Wall street that holds some $3,000,000 worth
of securities at their market value. Thoy
havo beeii locked up for two years. Their
ownor has never onco called for them, and 1
havo no doubt that ho sleeps as quietly at
night us if his property were guarded by tho
wholo United States urmy, mid doubtless a
great deal moro so." Now York Star.
"Not Afraid."
An nrmy ofllcer had gono to seo somo Indi
ans shoot bullocks. Tho animals wcro c5n-
lined in a largo pen, nnd wcro killed, two or
threo at n timo, us thoy were needed. Who
ever did tho bhootlug clambered over tho
fence, picked out his beast and shot him in
tho forehead. Suddenly our ofllcer was sur
prised to hear tho agent in chargo say to hint,
Come, now, show theso Indians that wo can
beat them with tho rillo."
I could not well decline, and having of lato
had somo practice, 1 trusted to tho btendlucss
of my hand for success.
1 had to ndvanco uenrly to tho middlo of
tho inclosuro before 1 could catch tho eyo of
my intended victim, this bolug uecossury hi
order that I might havo n full viow of his
forehead. 1 hud no sooner attracted his at
tention, however, than ho lowered his head
und charged straight ut mo.
My only safety lay in my coolness nnd de
liberation, as 1 very well know. I raised my
rillo slowly, and as tho curl in tho forehead
enmo upon tho frout sight of my gun 1 pulled
tho trigger. Tho furious animal fell, with all
his four foot drawn clo&o uudcr his body. Ho
was dead.
As 1 looked at tho lifeless moss beforo mo a
shout from tho fenco caused mo to rniso my
eyes. To my horror 1 saw uuother steer
break from tho herd nnd with head dowu
chargo right upon mo. I had u good distance
to run to reach tho fenco. 1 reached it, how
ever, and as 1 put my foot uikiu a lower rail
a strapping big Indian, who had sprung to
tho top of tho fenco, caught mo by tho arm
und lifted mo us if I hud been mi infant, just
us tho infuriated beast struck his horns
against tho fenco.
As tho Indian draw mo up to himself ho
clapjxxl his huud upon my heart, und for u
moment held it there. 1 hen ho turned to tho
agent and wild In his own language:
"Ills heart is quiet; ho was not afraid."
Youth's Companion.
Tutu's Devoted llubbuml.
A Turk letter bays: "Siguor Nicollni does
notbiiig with his wife. Hols her devoted
caro taker, llo watches to protect her from
draughts tho instant she quits tho stage,
watches that bho does not talk between tho
acts after tho cunnino Is laid ou her Hps,
keeps intrusive bores uwtiy, und is attentive
to all whom bho wishes to treat as friends. If
her throat U lurched ho drops water down it,
so that no red paint will bo swallowed with
It. llo bees that tho water which is to wash
oil tho face pigments is tho right heat, and
oversees tho umkoup okrutlous; and nil this
quietly, affectionately nnd without fuss. If
Mine. Piuti were in tho hundsof an old uurso
sho could not bo moro tenderly umL When
her gratitude wells over bho btunds up, takes
bar husband by tho hand und lowers her
head, tho top of which ho kisses, the fuco not
being lu a state to bo kissed. Ho does not
strike ouo, he Is so unassuming and untho
utrlcal, as being the husband of a star, or a
professional tenor." Frank Leslie' News
paper. j
Vrenob Government.
Tho presout French republic has lasted us
long as any government In that country sines
tho lint revolution. Tho consulate and tho
empire of Nupoloon 1 coutlnued from 1700 to
1815; tho Bourbon were in power from 1813
to 1830; Louis Pliillpiwlrclguod ifrom 1830 to
1813, mid Napoleon 111 froin 1653 to 187a
The exUtlug ropubllo was proclaimed in 1871,
so that ucconliug toitho cycle theory it
thould expire with tho prebcnt year. Chi
cago Times.
THE OLD RAG CARPET.
A WEAVER OF BROOKLYN RECALLS
THE DAYS OF ITS GLORY.
An Indtintry Which Modem Invention ani
Luxury Havo Nearly Destroyed The Oli
Loom That Uur Grandmother Used Th(
Chance wf Forty Yearn.
Not long since, 1 had n pleasant interview
with Mr James Early, nn old timo Brooklyi
man and a skilled rag carpet weaver,
"No. it's nothing liko it used to bo," sale
Mr. Early, pausing for n time from his labor
In order to rest and also to answer tho manj
questions which curiosity prompted motonsk
"Forty years ago, when 1 started for myseli
in this basement"
"What I so long ago as that?" I interposed.
"Law, yes, that doesn't seem so long tome
I camo hero just ufter the big llro in '4S. Il
started telow hero where tho feather store h
now, just opposite tho bridge. 1 rememlcr it
well, it was on Saturday night, Sept. 11, ol
'48, and when tho nlarm sounded 1 ran dowr
to seo tho fun. it spread llko forty, and be
fore 1 got thero tho wholo block back U
Henry street was a roaring, crashing massol
flames over which tho then small forco of fire
men had no control whatever. Tho wind was
blowing up from tho river and beforo tho lire
was checked it had swept everything clean oc
thissldoof tho street clear up to Concord
street. Thoy finally stopped Its progress by
destroying tho two corner buildings at Con
cord street by uso of explosives razed them
to tho ground thus putting so much spaco be
tween tho approaching flro und tho building
beyond that they had a chance to work and
so got tho best of tho blaze."
"But It was carpet weaving I.was inquiring
about," 1 ventured.
HOW THEY USED TO DO.
"Oh, so it was. Well, as I said, forty years
ago it was ono of tho !est. trades u boy could
learn and thero was good money in it. It's
different now. You want to know how the
thing's douo, eh!"
Mr. Early was seated before a framo work
about flvo feet high, extending back about
six feet, with a hugo cylinder in under for the
cord. Beforo him was a swinging wire screen,
called a sley, which by means of a quick jerk
with tho arm forces tho rags into position
after thoy havo been plucod letwcen tho rows
of cord which ho now explained tho uso of.
Swung over a shaft. In tho center of tho framo
back of tho sley, was a twino screen of per
haps fifty or sixty strands, nnd in each straiid,
between tho shaft and tho floor, was inserted
a small copper eyo. Each bido of this bcreen
connected with a separate pedal near the
floor, and thus as first ouo xxlol was pressed
ono row of oyes would bo raised, tho other
lowered, and as this was released and tho
other ono pressed tho two rows of eyes would
oxchaugo positions. This was his machine,
devoid of material.
"Now, you see," said Mr. Early, "tho twino
Is first put on that cylinder behind thero, just
below that stationary beam. Thnt beam,
you soo, is on u level with tho two rows of
copper eyes hung in tho center, and also du
plicated ou this sldo of tho frame. Well, tho
twino is separated into two screens of as many
strands each ns thero aro eyes in tho swinging
screen, nnd being passed over tho beam ou
tliat sido is stretched directly across to this
beam, eacti of tho two horizontal screens
(Hissing through a different row of tho swing
ing oyes, and from hero it is passed to tho
cloth cylinder by my feet, where tho carpet
comes forth completed. Now, as each row of
eyes has a different bcreou of twino passing
through it, and us I can reverse tho position
of tho oyes by a pressure of tho foot, this must
necessarily cross und recross tho strands regu
larly us 1 work tho pedals alternately. Seo?
Well, 1 take this shuttle undasstborag (nar
row btrips of cloth joined together into u eon
tiuuous string) through between tho horizon
tal screens. Then I jerk back this sley, which
has a wire passing between each btrand, which
forces tho rag llrmly into place. This dono, 1
press tho podnl, crossing the strands back as far
as tho rag, and then 1 return tho rag between
the screens to tho side it started from. I con
tinue changiug the rag from sldo to side, each
tune crossing the strands und keeping thoedgo
oven and llrm by means of tho wire sley and
thus, you see, each strand passes first over, then
under tho alternate rows of rugs, throughout
tho entire length of carpet. Tho stripes nro
effected by alternating balls of light colored
rugs with those of darker uud brighter shades.
The twine cylinder holds 100 yards of cord
and makes nearly us many yards of carpet."
"But what do you do when the twine runs
out?"
"I never allow it to run out As tho ends
como luto sight 1 lusr. t a fresh cylinder of
twine and tie each btruud of tho old lot to
the cuds of the uow ttrands and thus muke it
an endless roll."
one nuNuunn years in service.
"This frame looks very substantial. Do
thoy wear out quickly?"
"Well, not bo very I bought this second
handed when 1 started to work forty-four
years ago, and 1 reckon It's been iu use nigh
onto a hundred years und you can soo it hasn't
startod to wear out yet,"
"What is an average day's work how
many yards I"
"Ten yards Is as good as I want to do uow,
though when 1 wns younger 1 could turn out
twelve or fourteen. 1 used to get from forty
to fifty cents per yurd for my work, but uow
twenty-eight cents Is nil 1 charge for my best
grade and 1 haven't any too much to do oven
at that low price. Improvements iu machin
ery Lave brought down the prices of iugruins
cud brunscl to kuch u low tlgure that most
folks have gono back ou the good old fash
ioned rag cnrjKit which was bo popular in my
time, and there's barely u living to bo squeezed
out of It uow. The old fellows who laid tho
solid foundation have to ktuud buck und
watch you youug ouos with your uioderu Im
provements building higher uud higher tho
tnouuuicut of Improvement over the remains
of the rough but substantial modes of manu
facture which served our purioso so well."
Mr. Early ascended tho stairway with ino
as 1 was leaving, and, wishing me a cheery
good night, proceeded to cloo his little shop.
Brooklyn Eagle.
There Is n widow near Mlllcdgoville, Oa.,
who has seven daughters, but no sous. She
owns some laud, which she and her daugh
ters cultivate. Lost year oue ot the daugh
ters weut to the woods with on ax and cut
out and made n plow stock, fastened on O
plow, and with u little kteer plowed for a
crop cf cotton, raUIng seven bal.
DREAMS GO BY CONTRARIES.
Experiments Mailo Cpon n French I'hysl
oloclkt While Asleep.
From time immemorial dreams havo been
tho wonderland of waking hours. Hopo and
fear havo wrought them Into their own fab
ric. Superstition has seized upon them and
worked up a curious ritual of "dreams that
go by contraries," of "dreams of tho morning
light," of dreams with significances, somo of
which seem natural enough, while to a fovof
those apparently most arbitrary, science her
self has offered a certain amount of explana
tion. Dreaming Is an experience which may bo
called common to humanity, though It varies
so widely in different individuals that, In a
few exceptional cases, it Is absolutely un
known. A French physiologist caused many
curious exjwriments to bo mado on himself
during sleep. Theso experiments took tho
form of trifling physical sensations, which
produced almost Invariably n wonderfully ex
uggerated effect on tho sleeping mind. Thus
a feather tickling the lips was converted into
tho horrible punishment of a mask of pitch
being applied to the face A Iwttloof eaude
cologno held to his nose sent him into a dream
of a erfumer's bhop in Cairo. A pinch on
tbo neck recalled tho days of his boyhood nnd
tho old family physician applying a blister to
that region.
Scientific writers admit that thero Is a type
of dream In which coming physical dlscaso or
disaster is shadowed forth somo bodily sen
sation, perhaps too slight to Ikj noticed by the
ubject when awako, yet contriving to im
press itfcelf in somo symbolic form ou the
sleeping mind. Tho moro striking instances
of this sort may servo to explain how, in
some lesser degree, certain symbols aro likely
to attach themselves to certain painful sensa
tions or conditions, until at last they arc
finally accepted as mysterious presages of
ova
Conrad Gesner, tho eminent naturalist,
dreamed that ho was bitten on tho left side
by n venomous serpent. In a short timo a
severe carbuncle apjxAircd on tho very spot,
terminating hislifoin thospacoof threo days.
It is a most singular fact that under certain
combined conditions of fatigue, discomfort
and malaria, wholo bodies of men such as
companies of soldiers havo been seized by
tho samo terrific dream, nnd havo awukencd
simultaneously, shrieking with terror. Sucli
an instaneo is related by Laurent, when after
n forced march, b00 French soldiers were
packed hi a ruined Calnbrian monastery
which could 111 uccommodato half that
number.
At midnight frightful cries issued from
every corner of tho building ns frightened
men rushed from it, each declaring that it
was tho nbodo of tho evil ono that they had
seen him, in tho form of n big black dog, who
throw himself uiwu their breasts for an in
stant and then disappeared. Tho men were
pcrsunded to return to tho same shelter on
tho next night, their ofllcers promising to
keep watch beside them. Shortly after mid
night the samo scene was ro-ennctcd tho
snmo cries, tho samo flight, ns tho soldiers
rushed forth In a body to escape tho suffo
cating cmbrnco of tho black dog. The wake
ful ofllcers had seen uothiug. Argosy.
A Cliaiu'u Silhouette.
Treusury clerks in Washington nro being
treated to a freo exhibition of high art on tho
walls of ono of tho corridors, tho product of
chatico. Of lato workmen havo been kept
busy on tho walls, scraping off tho old paint,
filling up tho holes witli putty and repainting
again. Ouo of the men ut work on a panel
of wnll opposito tho ofllco of tho fourth au
ditor In tho first floor, west wing, happened
to scrujK) tho old paint In such n way that the
uncovered xirtion inado a xjrfect silhouette
of u woman's head, with tho faco turned to
ward tho ceiling. Tho patch is long and ir
regular in shape, nnd tho rescmblanco to a
faco does not beconio apparent until tho
uorthern half is covered by borne means,
when tho faco is distinctly recognized iu a
moment.
Tho bend is covered with a jauuty, stylish
bonnet, of tho genus known ns "poko," und
tho hair is coiled in a bewitching knot nt tho
back of tho head, the features aro beautiful,
puro and classic in their outlines, tho noso
rather Greciau, and tho lips and chin deli
cately turned. Altogether, It is quite n sigh
producing countennnco, nnd many a longing,
wistful glance has been cast at this dull
brown patch, as though tho gazers thought it
a pity that such a face should be but tho
chanco product of a wall scraper's knife.
When tho head is covered and tho other end
of tho patch is shown, a neatly booted foot
appears, ns erfect iu its outliues us tho head.
The scraper says that this queer combination
of outlines was done entirely unconsciously
by him ns ho removed the paint, Washing
ton Star.
Lungs uud Air.
In tho courso of twenty-four hours about
2,000 gallons of nir pass through our lungs;
uud wo have secu that the ulr thus oxjielletl
from them is unfit to support life nay, oveu
that it is highly oisonous. It uot only con
tains carboulo ucid gas, but somo other organic
matters that are much more dcloterious. It
has been a.M.'ertulued by direct e.ieriment
that nir containing respiratory impurity,
measured by nn addition of only two parts of
carbonic acid per 10,000 of air, is tho limit of
such Impurity that cau be allowed to be pres
ent If wo lire to remain iu health. But hi
order to attain tills standard, no loss than
3,000 cubic feet, or 10,000 gallons of ulr per
hour imi't 1h available, and well mixed with
the air breathed. In other words, by our
breathing wo sjhjII ISO tlmas more of air than
wo can uso In our luugs, and Instead of only
51,000 gallons, wo need i! 10,000 gallons of nlr
overy day of our lives. Herald of Health.
1'olly u u Kofaruior,
Last summer there was n parrot on Third
avenue' that used to stay out of doors tho
p-eater part of tho day. In the next house
was n Ecolding woman. Bho Uiod to scold
every minute, either her husband, or tho chil
dren, or tho cat, and soon tho parrot began to
tnlmlo her. Botwoen tho two, tho neighbors
nearly wont distracted. But pretty soon tho
foman stopped. She could hear the parrot
tnocklng her. Cries of "Stop your noise,"
"Shut up," "Mind mo, sir I" "I'll strap you,"
made tho nir vocal, but us soon as Polly f ouud
out that she was having gio fun ull to hercJf
tho stopjHxl, too. Now, not a word of scold
ing Is heard lu the Third street house, aud
Polly king and whUtlc her old time ditties.
She is looked upon as an uixxtlo of ioaco by
tH neighbors. Detroit Free Press.
TIRED Oil SO TIRED.
"AMBER" REELS OFF A LIST UNTIL
SHE'S TIRED OF THAT, TOO.
EnnnghofSo Culled Clvltlratlon Of Dudes,
Egotists and Humbugs Sho fs Weary.
Especially Tired of Helng Told That
Woman Can't Tnko Cnre of Ilcrxclf.
I am tired of civilization and all the
called improvements of modern science. 1
am tired of sewer connections, steam heat,
furnaces nnd doublo windows. I am tired ol
people who believe in all tho gospels but the
gospel of fresh air, nnd who count tho first
and only aim of mortal existence to be tc
keep warm I I am tired of tho evolution ol
tho "hired girl" and tho embarrassmcntscoiv
sequent uion meeting her on tho now foot
ing. 1 nm tired of havlug to wear twenty
pounds of clothing when ono would sufllco.
I nm tired of trying to compromlso on dress
reform, and tho consequent scorn of tho low
minded. 1 am tired of viying for dead
horses, and of being cheated in siecinl bar
gains. I am tired of encountering tho merci
less woman with a dead bird on her bonnet,
nnd tho idiotic woman chewing gum. 1 ara
tired of tho cat which lies in wait for the
spring robin, nnd of tho good little Sunday
school boy who is also lying low with his
sling shot.
SOMK OF TUK HUMBUGS SUE HATES.
I am tired of cultivating icoplo in whom 1
tako far less interest than I do iu carrots and
cabbages. I am tired of excessively candid
lcoplo whoso frankness is tho outcomo of
boorisliness and ill breeding. I nm tired of
being told that money does not bring happi
ness, when 1 know that tho statement isn
fallacy and long to provo it I am tired ol
dudes, yo godsl how tired 1 nm of them, nnd
of tho cackling voices of loud mouthed ieo
plo everywhere. I am tired of looking
throvgh crowds for faces to tako on trust 1
am tired of law makers who cannot tell the
distinction between freedom und license, be
tween tho American eaglo nnd the low flying
foreign buzzard. I am tired of tho dovU
turned monk, nnd people who steal "the
livery of heaven to servo tho devil in." I am
tired of men who mistako this great breezy
globe of sunshine, us it spins through snow
dazzle and summer blossom, for u cuspidor
uud live in it but to defllo it. I am tired of a
law that does not justify homicide in tho case
of tho hansom cab driver aud tho bruto who
carries a black snnko whip to torture his
horses with. I nm tired of tho patient de
spair written in tho faces of lost dogs and In
tho eyes of horses slowly suffocating in nose
bags. I am tired of hearing peoplo blame
Providcnco for tho loss of friend or child
when violated laws of hygiene killed him and
Providcnco had uaught to do with it I am
tired of car muffs, nnd of awaiting tho day
when tho mills of tho gods shall grind their
wearers into flno dust I nm tired of egotis
tical peoplo who seo no particular merit in
oven tho plan of redemption because thoy
wcro not consulted hi regard to it 1 am
tired of doing things because tho rest of the
world do them, and of being considered a
crank if I preservo enough individuality to
refuse to bo a conformist I nm tired of be
ing labeled with tho "great aliko," liko chari
ty bibs at a fair. 1 am tired of being served
with vinegar and tannin when I call for
claret, and with bottled thunder and light
ning when I ask for whisky to tako homo to
un invalid parent
TIItED OF SEX DISTINCTIONS.
I am tired of all tho Impositions put upon
mo becauso 1 am a woman. 1 am tired of
waiting for tho day when 1 can havo nn equal
chance with tho men, and can bo a geutle
mannered politician, a coroner or a noble
county commissioner with "tho rest of tho
boys." 1 am tired of folks nfter they get too
old to turn a coffee mill expecting to stay at
tho ship's helm and guido her through tho
breakers. I am tired of last year's flower
pods in this summer's garden, and of ull two
legged donkeys. 1 am tired of esicudmg
sympathy uiun book agents, cripples, hurdy
gurdy grinders, and tramps. I am tired of
tho brukeman who uight after uight and
year ufter year cries "Eviugston" ou tho su
burban train. I am tired of tho mother who
allows her boy to bo a littlo rowdy becauso it
is n "boy's way," when ho might bo u Littlo
Lord Fauntleroy with proper training. 1
am tired of seeing children sent to parents as
recklessly as though ono should send pearls to
swino or gnrlauds of summer flowers to Bed
lamites. 1 am tired of peoplo who never
mean what thoy say or say what thoy mean.
I am tired of waiting for death to provo how
good a fellow a man was, or how noblo a saint
and martyr a woman has been. I am tired
of hearing that our girls canuot go about
without chuperons, when tho fashion is only
u toadyism borrowed from Eurojxiau society.
I am tired of being asked to believo that a
sweet and true American girl may not bo
trusted tho world over without a keeper. 1
am tired of ieoplu who make long prayers
while their lingers aro twisted in tbo collar
of mi employe or u debtor, and of men who
talk ubout Heavou when they nro unfit to live
in tho best circles of Hades. 1 am tired of
Injustice that gives tho golden cup to tho pre
tender, aud places the crown ujwn tho im
postor's head. I mn tired of extortion and
uiialloviated wretchedness. 1 nm tired of
tearing through life kindling flames that do
not pay for the mutches aud candles used. 1
urn tired of tear shedding and tho gi"eat,
voiceless supphcatiou of dumb brutes mid
little innocent children in pain. 1 um tired
of trying to keep cool and calm in storms
that constantly send bravo ships onto the
rocks. 1 am tired of big troubles uud of little
facts, of roaring lions uud little foxes. 1 uiu
tired of lots cf things besides, with uo timo
to enumerate them. Ainber lu Chicago Tri
bune, tiuttins u Msbt on.
Tbo lights of a well known electrto light
oompany having fallen into tho bad habit of
going out oftener than well regulated lights
should, tho electrician won the confidence of
a simple minded Irish hand and learned from
him that when como at the laborers wanted
a uight off thoy disarranged the machinery.
Tho elc?trlclan pretended to Empathize with
his confiding friend and unfolded a plan by
which any employcftould got u night off. At
tho proper momont ouo of the meiO.ook his
ndvico and taking with bun an iron bar smote
the wires closo to a dynamo, A strong cur
rent louped from the lines, Cashed up the bar
and kuoeked tho astonished Hibernian tlut on
his back. He had to take the uight off to re
cover from the effects of the shock, uud th
inaculnsry rin better thereafter. Philodsl
ptila Tunei
A MATRIMONIAL CATECHISM.
It Is Sometimes Wcli to Practice What,
You I'reaclu
Ho was very practical, and In order to have :
everything fair and square beforehand heJ
"You know, darling, I promised my mother
that my wife should bo n good housekeeper
and n domestic woman. Can you cook r'
"1 can," sho said, swnllowing a great big
lump In her throat
"Can you make good bread! That is the
fundamental principle of all housekeepinu."
"Yes; I went Into a bakery and learned
how to make ull kinds of broad." Sho added
under her breath "may ins."
"And can you do your own dressmaking
I am comparatively n poor man, love, and
dressmakers' bills would soon bankrupt me."
"Yes," sho said frankly, "I can make ev
erything 1 wear, especially pattern bonnets."
"You are a jewel," ho cried with enthusi
asm, "como to my arms"
"Wait a minute there's no hurry," she
said coolly. "It's my turn to ask a few ques
tions. Can you saw wood and carry iu coal?"
"Why, my love, 1 should hire that work
done,"
"Can you make your coats, vests, trousers
nnd other wearing apparel T'
"But that isu't to tho purpose."
"Can you build a house, dig ditches, weave
carpets, ond"
"1 nm not a professional"
"Neither nm 1. It has taken tho most of
my lifo to acquire tho education and accom
plishments that attached you to me. But as
soon as I havo learned all tho professions you
speak of I will send you my card. Au rovoir,"
and she swept away.
And tho disconsolate young man went to
tho nearest drug store and bought a two-for-a-quarter
cigar, with which ho speedily
solaced himself. Detroit Kreo Press.
How Ho Can Learn.
Boucicault says it is of tho highest lm
portance, lefore trying to act, that an actor
should know how to walk. Let tho actor go
out with nsnap company, by the timo he
gets homo ho will know how to walk. New
Orleans Picayune.
Llfo nt ML Desert.
no (who has just been accepted) Were
you ever engaged beforo?
She Only onco this summer.
Ho What? Aud here it is tho last of
August?
She But I only camo last week. Life.
One Way to Hecomo Famous.
Author You say tho story has merit
Thon why do you hesitato about taking it?
Book Publisher Why, you seo, sir, you
havo not an established reputation. You are
not widely known yet. The announcement
of a story by you would not of itself bo suffi
cient to make a spontaneous demand for it
Author I've fixed ull thut. I havo a friend
that is a book reviewer, and as soon as my
story appears ho Is to brand it at onco ns a
plagiarism from ono of Zola's earlier works.
Chicago Tribune.
IrofltvbIu Employment.
Vigorous Friend Well, George, how do
you feel today, aud how do you employ your
time?
Confirmed Invalid Oh, I'm feeling ns mis
erable as usual, but I'm profitably employing
what time 1 havu
V. P. What aro you doing?
C. 1. I'm writing a series of articles on
"How to Always Enjoy Good Health."
Boston Budget
Tho merciful Man.
Father Johnnie, 1 was very much grieved
last evening by seeing you abuse tho dog.
Cruelty to animals is a sin which I cannot
pardon. But why aro you staring out of the
window when 1 am speaking to you?
"1 seo that Dingloy's cow has broken into
our garden."
"It has, eh? Get mo tho gun, quick, and
I'll fill tho darned bruto with buckshot."
Lincoln Journal.
Not u Knlr Trial.
First Wheelman I can mako it from here
to Jugvillo iu threo hours.
Second Wheelman Stumper says ho can
do it iu two.
First Wheelman Oh, well, ho is a profes
sional Second Wheelman Bicyclist, doyoumeanl
First Wheolmuu No. Liar. San Fran
cisco Examiner.
To I'ltiUh on- With.
Lady (angrily to tramp at tho back door)
You can't get anything to cat here.
Tramp (politely) I bog your pardon,
madam, I don't want anything to eat I
have just eaten a good dinner nt tho houso of
your neighbor, but if you, could glvo mo a
small cup of coffee and n cigarette you would
placo mo under many obligations. Washing
ton Critic.
A Slight lMerencu.
A physician reports that ho was saved a
two mile rldo ono night by having the pa-
tiout, a child, brought to tho telcphono nd
hehl thero until it coughed. Ho diagnosed
croup uud proscribed therefor. In order to
collect tho bill, however, he found that a
personal call was necessary. The telephone
can't do everything. Norristowu Herald.
Almost Necessary.
A "literary society" in Hampton Is to givo
n concert to raise funds to purchnso a
library. This Is a new departure for a lit
erary club, but it is not n bad idea. A few
books will not hurt a literary club. Thoy
are utmost as necessary as u pool table, chess
iSoard or u banquet Norristowu Herald.
Two Supreme Occasions.
o A evnlcal man savs that there aro two oc
casions when he would llko to bo present
Ono is when tho gas compauy jiays its water
bill; the other is when the water company
pays its gas bilL Texas Slf tings.
.V Clilucte Dude.
Berry Wall used to be tho king of the
dudes. Now it is said that there is a youug
CbituimaiMho outdrosses Mr. WulL Won
King, the new dam, is known as tho Chines
Wall Detroit Kreo Iress.
Not Always Within Some Olio's 1'owar.
We must admit that there is such a thing
as bains; too fresh. But most of us draw the
liaout butter. Burlington Free Press.