TOPICS OF THE TIMES.
A CHOICE SELECTION OF INTER.
E8TINQ ITEMS.
Coat meat and Criticism Baaed Upon
the Happening of the Day Hiatort
cal and Newt Kotea.
Self -Indulgence Is the secret of in
digence.
It Is folly to boast of your frills
before yon have built your foundation.
Manchuria and Korea gone and
more broken China to be picked np be
fore long.
There were only nineteen deaths due
to football this season. The hunting
record beats that all to pieces.
Mr. Carnegie says that he pities the
on of a rich man. One is inciinea 10
feel sometimes that Mr. Carnegie ex
aggerates the Joys of poverty.
A Philadelphia horse put his foot
Into his mouth and It took a crowd
of reterinaries to untangle him. Let
this be a terrible warning to you.
One of the questions that agitates
the man in the street is whether an
nexation of Panama would bring down
the price of his next summer's hat.
A New York preacher became the
father of triplets a few days ago. If
lie can aro on nreachlnc peace on earth
now It will have to be admitted that
be's a wonder.
"Killed, 8,654; wounded, 45,477."
This is not the report of a great bat
tle, but the report of the United States
Interstate commerce commission on the
Injuries inflicted by our railroads for
the fiscal year ended June 80 last.
Appendicular surgery is passing into
history. Nearly everybody who can
afford to have the malady has paid the
bill and the rest of mankind get along
very well with ordinary prudence In
observance of the laws of digestion.
W. K. Vanderbilt thinks the sal
aries of preachers should be reduced.
Mr. Vanderbilt seems to be rather un
grateful. A preacher did him quite a
favor when he wanted to get married
awhile ago and the laws of the Church
of England almost thwarted him.
To fish Is to prevaricate. The rule
Is Invariable. If Izaak Walton pre
sents an apparent exception it must
be remembered that he was in reality
but little of a fisherman despite the
clamor of the fraternity which would
push him forward as its chlefest ex
emplar. A partially demented man in Maine
has had his head completely cleared
by a sounding thump on the skull.
This case ought to be thoroughly In
vestigated, for If such treatment Is of
universal applicability, then every city
In the land should proceed at once to
elect or have appointed an official
knocker.
Seventeen thousand new words, or
new meanings of old words, appear In
the revised edition of a dictionary of
the English language. These were se
lected from half a million words and
definitions that had come into use
since the dictionary was .first printed,
only ten years ago. The language, in
spite of its antiquity, does not seem
to be threatened with senile decay.
Events have not Justified the proph
ecy of those who said a few years ago
that bicycle riding was merely a fad,
and would soon lose Its popularity.
It was the fad of a few, to be sure,
but the bicycle has proved itself so
useful that it has been adopted as a
business vehicle In the city as well as
In the country. Last year more than
six hundred thousand bicycles were
old In the United States; and in
Prance more than twice as many bicy
cles were ridden as in 1898.
Along with the expressions of alarm
over the terribly high percentage of
murders in America, increasing prom
iiK SK-e is given to the danger coming
from the promiscuous carrying of con
cealed weapons. It is asserted that
we are becoming "a nation of gun car
riers." The majority of cowardly ruf
fians have little temptation to engage
in a quarrel If no weapon is within
reach, while shallow headed fellows,
who have received considerable of
their education from "dime novels"
and "nickel libraries," are not only per
suaded that a weapon Is necessary to
their safety, but they are anxious for
an excuse to "flash a gun." Peace
officers should have authority to sup
press the carrying of weapons by irre
sponsible parties, even if a legal pre
cedent had to be established, such, for
Instance as would allow them to ar
rest at sight all suspicious characters
In order to search for weapons. Where
such were found, heavy sentences
would do considerable to discourage
the practice. It Is better to take he
roic measures rather than to have
homicide statistics which are a na
tional disgrace.
i Of some 9,000 members of religions
orders expelled from France, it is es
timated that 6.100 have settled In
England. 1,100 have gone to Canada
and 1,800 have entered the United
(States. The number of men and wo
men who have settled in England is
bout equal; of those who have gone
to Canada the women are in the ma
jority, while those who have settled
In the United States are nearly all
men. It Is estimated that nearly $22,
000,000 has been taken Into England
v ty these religions, while the sum of
10,000,000 has come to the United
.States and Canada.
A New York doctor gives a formula
tor a paste that dissolves the hair on
at man's face and gives him a shave
without a razor. Some fear is felt
that it may take the face, too, but
larbat does a man care for that who has
tried to shave with an old razor that
rwould draw tears from a face of
tone?
Competent American girls are In de
man In the Philippines. A business
nan who lately returned from Manila
ays that the supply of well-trained
stenographers and typewriters Is not
nearly equal to the demand, although
wages are considerably higher than
In the United States. Women of many
nationalities are constantly arriving in
Manila, but American girls are scarce.
Englishwomen outnumber them four
to one, and now hold the best positions,
although nearly all the "want ads" end
with, "American girl preferred."
The theory of Dr. J. D. Robertson
expressed before a Chicago medical
society, to the effect that the bathing
habit is injurious and as he said a
"dirty habit," an opinion which made
the other doctors gasp, but which they
could not scientifically refute, reminds
an observant man of many things
that seem queer. He Is reminded that
our mountain and plains Indians, who
never bathe except by accident, are
rarely ill and, barring war or accident,
live to good old age, displaying aggres
sive virility and force a their lives.
On the .other hand, the natives of the
Pacific islands, who are half their
time or more in the water, are weak,
effeminate, disease Inclined and short
lived. He will recall, also, that in
civilisation the children who from any
cause, either poverty or inclination,
wallow in the dirt in city, town and
country are generally vigorous, while
the pampered children, rich or poor,
who are scrubbed to shining are the
reverse. Their vitality seems to shriv
el up like the skin of a washerwoman's
hands. He may recall, also, a curious
New York experience. Some years ago
the authorities, desiring to convince
the slum dwellers of the hygienic value '
of bathing and cleanliness in general,
and the disease-breeding powers of
filth, divided the city into districts, so
adjusted as to contrast as sharply as
possible the districts where overcrowd- j
tag and dirt prevailed with those
wherein the people bathed frequently ,
and wore clean clothes. One district I
Included the territory east of Broad-j
way, south of Fourteenth street, where ,
the population is denser than any-j
where else in the country and quite
as grimy. Another was the adjacent .
and less odorous but still fusty re
gion west of Broadway, and then the
districts ran back by degrees into
the high, airy, cleanly residence re
gions above and to the west of Cen
tral Park. They then took a hygienic
or disease census by district lines,
perfectly confident that the showing
would be of appalling prevalence of
zymotic and probably other disease in
the slum districts as compared with
the others. When the returns were all !
In and tabulated the zealous workers
for the Boap and water habit were ap-
palled indeed, but it was by the fact
that the figures showed by far the
lowest disease and death rate in the !
crowded district east of Broadway
and south of Fourteenth, where they
had expected the highest, and that the
rate grew, through all the other divis
ions, until it rose to really alarming
height in the breezy regions of up-
town. The east side was-never held t
up to itself as an object lesson. The j
reformers took the whole matter un
der advisement and pigeon-holed the
census. After all, is not this matter
of frequent or infrequent bathing like
so many other human habits and
tustes, a matter of the individual?
"One man's meat is another man's
poison," says the old saw, and any
kind of crank would die if fed wholly
on good common sense.
WIVE8 WANTED OUT WEST.
Thousands of Women Can Find Hus
bands In Western Btatee.
A traveler in Arizona reports that
the young men of the West are bache
lors not from choice, but from neces
sity. Of the dearth of women in that
section he says:
"Thousands of cattle are standing
knee deep in alfalfa, the land is rich
and the young men are thrifty and
prosperous. But they can't get wives.
There are not women enough to go
around. Arizona wants several car
loads of women Just as soon as she
can get them."
Census statistics support this view
of the case, not only as to Arizona, but
as to a number of other Western States
and territories. Here are a few sig
nificant figures showing that not every
Jack has his Jill:
Male. Female.
Arizona 57,027 37,120
Kansas 593,965 532,068
Washington 248,282 160,155
On the other hand, look at the re
verse of the picture In certain States
of the effete East:
Male. Female.
Maryland 455,285 565,430
Massachusetts 1,097,581 1,169,467
New Hampshire ... 168,483 169,410
New Jersey 739.224 741,274
New York 2,877,822 2,923,860
South Carolina .... 465,022 477,380
Virginia 679,440 685,061
It Is Time to Quit.
It is time to quit the grumbling.
Time to take a hopeful view,
Time to drop the fooljsh notion
That the world is all askew;
There are lots of blessings yet
That the world is booked to get.
And the good Lord in his mercy sav
ing some of them for you.
It is time to quit the sighing.
Time to look up with a smile,
For the good old world's revolving
In the same old steady style;
Wicked people day by day
Close their eyes and pass away,
And there won't be any left here but
the righteous, after awhile.
It is time to quit the fretting
Over trifles that go wrong;
Think of all the joys you're getting.
All the blessings, right along;
Don't sit down disheartened, sad,
Over small rebuffs you've had,
Fortune tries our spirits often, just to
make them good and strong.
It is time to quit believing
That there's nothing left to do
For the ones who'd be achieving;
Every day brings something new.
Don't give up the hope to rise.
Fair ahead the future lies.
And to-morrow may be bringing just
the needed chance for you.
It is time to quit the grieving
For the good old happy days; - ; -
It is time to quit believing
Men are sunk in sinful ways;
Still the morning may be bright,
Still sweet dreams may come at night,
Fate has favors tor the cheerful, but
our grumbling never pays.
Woman's Home Companion.
Don't marry a girl for the sake of
beating her chaperon out of a job.
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S Mt f&Htef Hi V ' .1171 111)1 1 7V V sso &
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Opinions of
sfMMMt.&.fr.fr.fr.fr.
Nervous Prosperity Is a Disease.
ERELY being prosperous makes many persons
nervous. Women, having duties which. If not
fewer, are less compulsory, than those of men,
are peculiarly subject to tills complaint. Their
physical strength is 'less, their nervous systems
are more complicated. Secretary Boot regrets
the decrease of country life on the ground that
Ml
cities make a nervous race, different from the cool old
stock which has been the basis of our civilization. Mr.
Root thinks that nearness to the soil is a necessary con
dition of strong nerves. The American climate, in the
Northern States,. Is exciting. Many who cannot sleep in
the United States are less troubled with insomnia abroad.
When cable cars, with gongs and crowds, railways over
head, packed streets, automobiles, telephones, telegrams,
messenger boys, and the general machinery of haste are
added, nervous tension becomes extreme. Sometimes it
takes the form of a passion for late hours, and might be
called Somnophobia. The Somnophoblac is so keyed np
that he shrinks from the relaxation of sleep, or any other
quietness. The love of excitement is often as disinte
grating as the love of drink. "Be not hurried sway by
excitement," says Epictetus, "but say, 'Semblance, wait for
me a little. Let me see what you are and what you repre
sent.' " Many of our occupations would hardly stand the
test of Epictetus. Emerson made the same point as Mr.
Root, when he said that Nature's comment is, 'Why so
hot, little man?" As women are more responsible, just
now, than men, for increasing nervosity, one of our prob
lems is to make natural activities attractive to them not
work enough to exhaust them, but enough to keep them
from being as restless as "a fly under an exhausted re
ceiver. Pleasures, diversions, are never sufficient to form a
life. Responsibility Is necessary to freedom. Thackeray,
laughing at the strivings of Werther, had his heroine, at
the end of the poem, go on cutting bread and butter.
Candlde, after examining all possible worlds, decided that
the real thing was to cultivate a garden. Collier's Weekly.
Physical Training in the
BOUT the best thine that
I in connection with the public
A I that is being bestowed on the
aa aa I . ; i . x j . ,
VJ. uio cuiiureu. m ue larger cities or tne
United States and to some extent in Canada
children are being examined for physical de
fects, and appropriate measures are being taken
to remedy these as far as possible. If nothing more was
done than to promote the habit of deep breathing that
would be a hygienic reform of the first importance. We
doubt if anything could be done by public authority that
would contribute more to the health and happiness of the
community. Until human beings are placed in full posses
sion of their physical faculties and In full enjoyment of
their natural functions, they do not know how good a
place the world is. With more of genuine good health In
the world, more of something approaching physical per
fection, there would be less craving for artificial enjoy
ments and probably less craving for wealth. If the schools
will, in addition to making the children practice deep
breathing, cultivate their speaking voices and teach them
to walk well, the effect In a few years will be max veto us.
Montreal Star.
The Law of Life.
ACK of work does turn men into tramps, but
it does not keep them tramps, The man and
the job cannot always keep apart unless the
man so wishes. The proof is the fact that thou
sands of men have been tramps and are no
longer. And these men did not owe their es
cape from tramphood to anything that anybody
LB
did for them. They owed it entirely to themselves.
Taking his life through, the average tramp is such be
cause he wishes to be because he falls into the delusion
that It is easier to beg and steal than to work. One of
those economic lulls known as hard times" may have set
him to tramping. But, when this lull was over he did not
remain a tramp unless he wished to.
The Individual human life, like the electric current.
A HANDY CORKSCREW FORK.
The accompanying illustration looks as much like a corkscrew as it
does a fork, but the combination makes a . very excellent arrangement for
kitchen service. It is particularly designed for turning and lifting large
pieces of meat during the process of cooking. The fork consists of the
usual handle, with a tube or sleeve fitted therein, the tines mounted on
the outer end of the tube, and a rod passing through the tube and handle
and carrying at one end the spiral screw, and the other end secured by a
nut to cause the screw to revolve with the handle.
In operation the tines are driven into the meat to the proper distance,
and the handle is then turned to cause the spiral screw to engage or twist
Into the meat, giving a firm and reliable connection between the fork and the
meat. To remove the fork, release the screw by turning the handle In the
reverse direction.
The advantages of the fork are apparent; for with it a piece of meat
or a fowl of any size can be handled with great ease without fear of tearing
the meat or of dropping the same.
FISHES THAT FLY FOR LIFE.
Interesting- Scenes Wbile Voyaging- In
tne Golf of Mexico.
"Watching the flying fish in the Gulf
of Mexico is one of the favorite pas
times of persons who make the voyage
across the Gulf for the first time," said
an observant man, "and the habit is
not an uninteresting one, for there is
much to be learned, much that is new
and attractive to the stranger. There
is something particularly fascinating
about the flying fish in the Gulf of
Mexico.
"During , the trip recently we ran
into great schools of them between
here and Vera Cruz and it was diffi
cult not to believe at times that they
were simply making sport of the big
vessel that was plowing through the
blue waters of the Gulf. They would
dart across the bow of the ship, scam
per this way and that, and seemed to
be in a playful mood all the while.
They looked like animated sprays,
mere flashes and splashes of water;
now taking this form, now that, now
shooting along with the course of the
ship; now bounding out from the ves
sel's side, and all the while apparently
conscious of the fact that men and
women were watching them. They
seemed to take somewhat of pleasure
from the enjoyment of the human be
ings. But, of course, they were busy
with other problems. It was not a
pleasant business either. It was a
matter of life and death with them.
They were being pursued by their ene
mies. The only way they could escape
was by leaving the water for a while.
The enemy has not learned this little
trick of flying; and consequently eould
IT
Great' Papers on Important Subjects.
Schools.
has vt been hit nTinn
schools Is the care
physical condition
t . t
Anglo
Slgest the
between
- B
fair argumentation
bunal, instead of by
should have the
ful methods, and In
the times for which
Christian Guardian.
not follow when the flying fish spread
their wings and soared in the air for a
while.
"It Is remarkable what distances
these delicate members can go on their
poorly trained wings. I have seen them
fly as far as two city blocks. They are
interesting little fellows, and they al
ways draw the attention of the tourist
and the stranger in Gulf waters."
A WOMAN'S LOFTY CLIMB.
How Mrs. Workman Got to the Top
of a 22.56S -Foot Peak.
Mrs. Fanny Bullock Workman,
daughter of former Gov. Andrew D.
Bullock, of Massachusetts, Is known as
the world's greatest mountain climber
and explorer. WorJ comes from India
that she has broken her first high rec
ord of 21,000 feet twice in one day dur
ing her explorations' this season of the
Himalayas.
These giant mountains climbed by
her are two snow peaks looming high
above the Chogo Loongma glacier and
bordering the distant province of Hun-ca-Nagye.
Starting at 8 a. m August 12, by
moonlight, from the highest camp, at
19,355 feet, and ascending over the
sharpest of snow slants, the party, con
sisting of Dr. and Mrs. Workman and
the- tiiree noted Italian guides, J. Petl
gax, C Savole and L. Petigax, climbed
steadily until long after daylight, and
at 7 a. m. this Indomitable American
woman climber stood on top of her first
peak of the day, 21,770 feet high
After half an hour's halt for scien
tific observations and photography the
party descended this mountain a short
distance, and traversing a long snow
seeks the line of least resistance. AH men are prone to
take the line In life on which they can travel with least
effort. Man, like other , animals, is naturally averse to
exertion not compelled by immediate necessity. In other
words, man is naturally lazy unless his foresight teaches
him and his will impels him to be industrious.
The habitual tramp Is such because he lacks the will to
be- otherwise. Sentimental philanthropists may be chal
lenged to produce a single tramp who, if his story were
truly known, could not be proved to have thrown away,
because it required of him harder work than he was willing
to do, opportunity after opportunity to escape from his
condition. ;
Civilization does not produce the habitual tramp or
sturdy beggar. He exists in civilization because it Is too
falsely humane to compel him to work or starve, as sav
agery does. - And it is a perversion of philanthropy to hold
that the tramp, or any other human being, is entitled to
any place in civilization other than what his will to work
can achieve, Work is the law of life. Chicago Inter Ocean.
Evolution of Industrial Methods.
K believa that tndnatrv nvm tinman Iwlnn
iVlis destined to pass through three phases the
yf I Phases of competition, of organization, of emu-
lauuu.
Civilization has spent thousands of years in
the competitive system. Out of a hundred busi
ness men ninety-nine have failed one hundred
business enterprises have landed ninety-nine men with
broken hearts, broken hopes, and one man with money in
his pocket and a broken digestion. .
Competition encouraged the merchant to sell adulterated
goods, bogus goods, worthless goods. It encouraged him
to pay his employes as little as he could in order to com
pete with others who hired employee, and to charge his cus
tomers as much as he could.
The competitive system is now dying a slow death.
Already the system of organization has arrived, and the
trusts represent this system.
It is crude and selfish, it takes for a few big organized
pirates the enormous sums that used to be distributed
among a great many little competitive pirates.
But organization, even under trust management,' Is a
step In the right direction.
The trust that is combining the nation's Industries into
a few companies paves the way certainly and surely for
national ownership.
When one man, or half a dozen men, shall own all the
railroads, there will be an Interference by the people sooner
or later. When one man, or a few men, shall own all the
steel mills, all the coal mines and all the oil wells, all the
street car lines there will be interference by the people
sooner or later.
When it is clearly proved that one man, or a few men,
can run the business of the nation, that the much vaunted
competition Is not the life of trade but an Indication of
savagery, then the people will say to the one man, or the
few men, "We, the people, will own the business of the
people, and not you, an Individual." New York Journal.
- American Arbitration.
- a uvnBjaiiaa bum-
desirability of an arbitration treaty
Britain and that country, similar to
- M fh. MWA4-lw 1 I ..... T ja T
everything that looks in the direction of lessen
ing the danger of war, and establishing the
pacific plan of settling international disputes by
before a competent and Impartial tri
"the stern arbitrament of the sword,'
support of all right-thinking men. The
tendency shown among the nations to discuss such peace
some cases to adopt them, is a sign of
we ought to be thankf uL It Is an evi
dence of the development of the Christian consciousness
which, when It reaches its full development, will tolerate
war no1 more. ; It may seem a far cry yet to the day when
"the kindly earth shall slumber, lapt in universal law," but
it is coming. By all means the two great English-speaking
nations should show a good lead in this direction. The
arete, ascended a still higher peak
which lay beyond, and at 10 a. m. in
cloudless weather, Mrs. Workman
scored her greatest record, and stood at
22,568 feet above sea level.
The heights of these mountains have
been computed with the utmost scien
tific accuracy. On the day of the as
cent hypsometric and mercurial barom
eter readings were taken on the sum
mits themselves, and also by a govern
ment official at the lower station of
Skardu.
The climbing of these Himalayan
mountains was not accomplished by
camping on grass or rocks to 19,000
feet, as In the Andes, but by continued
difficult snow bivouacs, made at 16,000
18,400 and 19,355 feet.
Two nights were passed at this lat
ter immense altitude, where two-thirds
of the eighteen coolies, who carried
the high camp equipment, were pros
trated by mountain sickness. Dr. and
Mrs. Workman and guides, although
they slept little and suffered somewhat
from mountain lassitude, were not 11L
and were able to carry out their fifteen
hours' climb the next day with com
plete success.
These were the most notable climbs
of the expedition in 1903, but besides
these, three large glaciers have been
explored and surveyed and four first
ascents and traverses of snow passes
from 18,000 to 19,000 feet in height ac
complished. This season's work, add
ed to that of 1902, when many peaks
and the great Chogo Loongma glacier
were first ascended, combine to make
the two greatest high climbing expedi
tions yet earned out in the Himalayas.
Several hundred magnificent photo
graphs were taken during the summer.
Boston Herald.
.
One Woman Obeys.
He (after the wedding) Um my
love, these bills are piling up at a fear
ful rate; but, of course, my angeL with
your large Income, you are willing and
no doubt anxious to help me pay them?
She I? Why, my dear, I haven't a
cent
"Wha- r
"On my second marriage an my
money went to my late husband's rel
atives." "Eh? Wha why didn't you say
sor
"You particularly requested me nev
er to mention my late husband in
your presence."
Couldn't Fool Him.
"My ledger shows that I did a busi
ness of more than $20,000 last year,"
said the grocer who was trying to sell
out . - s-
"Yes," -rejoined the prospective pur
chaser, "but what does your pocket
book howl" . . 1
Nonnecntiablc .
"Dis Is a fine paper," said Meander
ing Mike; "it says dat de difficulty Is
not so much In perducin value as In
gittin' It to de best market" :
"What s dat to you?" said Plodding
Pete. .
"It describes my trouble perclsely.
I've got an appetite dat some o dese
rich folks would give a million dol
lars fur. An what good is it?"
Washington Star.
An Awful Fate.
"Alas! the mystery of poor mamma's
disappearance is now explained."
Very Appropriate.
Some kind friends were going to
erect a column of marble over the de
ceased jokesmith.
"Here is a fine piece," said the deal
er. v Why, that's a funny column," re
plied the friend, gazing at the peculiar
carving.
"Well, didn't you say he was a Joke-smith?"
CONSOLATION.
Widow Ketchum My husband le
Mr. Oldbatch Well, you ought to
same thing when he was living.
Hard to Please.
"They're accusing you now," said
the friend of the political boss, "of
putting money Into politics."
"Huh," snorted the boss. "There's
no pleasln' 'em at all. Before I made
my pile they accused me of takln'
money out o' politics." Philadelphia
Press.
Kclipied.
"We can excel you In everything,"
boasted the American.
"I don't think you can," responded
the Englishman.
"How about our get-rich-quick con
cerns? Have you any to equal them?"
"Sure! How about our noblemen
that marry American girls?"
"Weljrh of the Transgressor."
Missed a -a1e.
"I can especially recommend this
tailor-made gown for service," said the
genial manager of the ready-to-wear
department.
"Sir," answered the young lady cus
tomer, with a look that was calculated
to freeze the mercury In a thermome
ter, "I'm not going out to service."
Strange Fancy.
Patient After taking that medicine
I had some very mysterious dreams.
Doctor1 Well, I told you it would
cause you to dream of the Impossible.
Patient I guess you are right, doc
tor. I dreamed I was settling your
bill.
Another War Bnmer.
Priscilla Lieutenant Huggins seems
to be rather attentive to Miss Elder
lei gh of late.
Melicent Yes; and she is evidently
skirmishing around trying to precip
itate an engagement.
Gness Work.
"Who can tell what a meter Is?"
asked the teacher of the Juvenile class.
"I can," promptly replied tne urchin
at the pedal extremity. "It's a thing
what you chop meat with."
Another Boarder Perhaps.
"Bo," said the guest at the wedding
of Rlcbman's daughter, "your house
loses a daughter to-day."
"I dont know yet," replied the old
man, "whether the house loses a
daughter or merely gains a son-in-law."
Philadelphia Press.
Cold Comfort.
Mr. Slimpurse (feeling his way)
Your charming daughter tells me that
she is an excellent cook and house
keeper. Old Lady (calmly) Yes, I have had
her carefully taught, for I have always
held that no lady who does not under
stand housekeeping can properly direct
a retinue of servants.
Proof at Hand.
"Mister," said the seedy hobo, ad
dressing a prosperous-looking citizen.
"would you kindly favor a worthy but
unfortunate fellow-man with a few
pennies?"
"What is your occupation r asked,
the other, as he put his hand hi his
pocket. .
"Sir," replied the victim of hard luck,
as he held up a tattered coat-sleeve
and smiled grimly, "I've been collecting
rents for some time past"
The Old, Old Story.
"Have you ever sent any of your
poems to the magazines?" asked the
sentimental maid.
"Yes," answered the long-haired
verse carpenter, "but merely as a guar
anty of good faith and not necessarily
for publication."
Ravag-ea of Time.
"Remember, my boy," said the good,
old deacon, "that even the hairs of our
heads are numbered."
"Well, uncle," rejoined the Irrever
ent nepbew, ."in your case the count
doesn't take up much of the enumer
ating angel's time."
One Man's Wisdom.
Smith Gotrox was worth over a
million when he died, but he didn't
leave a will.
Jones I wonder why?
Smith Oh, I guess he wanted his
heirs to get the benefit of his wealth
instead of the lawyers.
ft me quite a good deal when he died.
be used to that; you know he did the
The Main Thine;.
Mr. Nervey Miss Roxley, I adore
you. Will you not be my wife?
Miss Roxley (haughtily) The idea of
your proposing to a girl In my station!
You should know better.
Mr. Nervey I do know better, but
no richer. Philadelphia Press.
Fully described.
Ascum My wife telephoned to me
to go to Woodley's and get a tabaret.
Lemme see, a tabaret's one of those
wide low things like a table, only
Outlate Yes; it's a low thing with
corners all over it that stands about
shin high in the dark Philadelphia
Press.
Knvy.
Gritty George Yes, little boy, I am
always taking my meals among stran
gers. Ostend Oh, how lucky you are!
Why, you can take two pieces of pie.
Another Matter.
Messenger Your wife says you
should come home at once, Mr. Easy
boy. De house has burned down.
"Oh, well, that's all right It didn't
belong to me."
"But the furniture was destroyed
too."
"Um-um! Belonged to the install
ment house."
"And de coal in de cellar Is burn
In." "What! Get out of the way, I paid
for that coal yesterday!"
Funny Creature.
"Oh, mamma!'' exclaimed small
Bobby after seeing a dachshund for the
first time. "I saw such a funny dog
this morning. He was two dogs long
and only half a dog high." Chicago
News.
How to Please All.
Agitator" What this country needs is
compulsory arbitration.
Teacher And compulsory education.
Preacher And compulsory religion.
Old Maid Yes, and compulsory
love.
Between the Courses.
"The recent 'twenty-minute' revolu
tion In Panama," said an American la
dy who has just returned from a visit
to the isthmus, "reminds me of a revo
lution I witnessed there one morning
while we were at breakfast.
"We were at Colon. One day we
had hardly taken our seats at a table
when I heard a tramping of feet and
men shouting in the street. I hastened
to the window and saw a half dozea
barefooted and bareheaded men In
greasy, ragged shirts running toward
tne plaza. They were waving machetes
and muskets.
" 'What is the matter? I asked, in
great alarm, of our host, Ralmundo
Gabriele Cabreza y Gulterrez.
"He hurriedly came to the window
and looked at the band of ragamuffins
wno were brandishing their rifles and
shouting viva this and viva that, I
could tell what. . '
" 'Why, I am afraid tins is a revolu
tion!' said he.
" 'Ralmundo Gabriele,' called the
smooth, unruffled tones of his senora.
who was still sitting at the breakfast
table, 'did I put enough sugar in you
ooffeer1