Saved by a
ERE is an absolutely true story
of a little bird, just a common
sparrow of the mountain foot
hills, but, possibly, no stranger cnse
of bird instinct has ever been chron
icled. One raw, rainy October day, while
the engine of an express train was
standing at a water tank on a lonely
side track in eastern Colorado, the en
gine driver was surprised to see a
sparrow fly in the cab window and
perch upon the throttle at the boiler
head. The little fellow made himself
at home there and set to making his
toilet, for his feathers were very wet.
Not wishing td drive the tiny visitor
away, and with a desire to see how
long he would remain after the train
began to move, the engine driver
reached carefully for the throttle and
euceeded in putting the big machine
in motion without frightening the bird.
After having thoroughly dried him
self the sparrow hopped down from
his strange perch and sat for several
moments in a corner on the engine
driver's cushion, evidently enjoying his
ride, after which, with a chirp, he
flew out of the window and away.
The engine men forgot the incident
as they dashed on over the foothills
and through the village. Two days
passed; the engine had returned, and
was again east bound, with the same
engine driver. It drew up for water
at the same tank, and the driver was
astonished to receive another visit
from the little bird. Then they named
him Mike, and at the same place Mike
flew In the cab window whenever that
particular engine passed on Its east
bound trips. It mattered not whether
the train was on time or late, funny
MIKE APPEARED AS USUAL, PERCHED UPON THE THROTTLE.
little Mike knew In some way. He
never made a mistake in engines and
never boarded any other.
You must know that trainmen are
a vry superstitious lot; nearly as
much so as the men at sea; so it came
about that the engine driver friend
of the bird looked upon him as a mas
cot He. brought little seeds and
cracker crumbs on each trip, and,
strange as it may seem, the little fel
low soon became so tame that-he
would perch upon the man's hand and
eat the dainties. Here was a sparrow,
wild and free to go where he wished,
yet tame and happy for a half hour
or more every few days in the cab of
a great, throbbing, roaring, screech
ing "locomotive, for" neither the shrill
blast of the whistle nor the elank of
the great bell nor the popping of the
safety valve caused him to evince the
slightest fear.
The season grew late; frost had come
and autumn had put her last tints on
vine and tree and shrub. No longer
were heard along the streams the
mournful cries of the "knee deep."
The woods had grown still and one
day the engine driver carried the seed
and, the crumbs in his vest pocket past
the tank and on to the end of the run,
for no Mike came to-receive his din
ner. He was greatly missed, but the
engine men knew that their friend
must have taken flight to the sunny
southland for the winter, and he was
not forgotten through all .the dreary
trips that were made across the bleak
country. With the breaking up of cold
weather Mike's coming was eagerly
watched for.
' Would he come again. Had he for
gotten his grime-stained friends of , the
engine cab? ' Could a little bird not
much larger than a man's thumb think
long enough at a time to find his way
back to the vicinity of that water
tank?
The grass came again; the trees took
on their summer garb; here and there
could be seen an occasional bird.
And Mike?
He came one day.-- For some time
the engine driver had carried food for
his friend In his pocket, to make sure
that there would be no disappointment.
So when with a peep, peep, the little
sparrow flew in the window of the big,
panting machine, with as much con
fidence as if he had never missed a
trip, he found his repast ready.
A cold, sobbing rain was soaking the
brown fields of autumn. The streams
were swollen and the railroad track
was soft. At the tank Mike appeared
' as usual and perched upon the throttle
of the engine; minutes passed' into a
half hour, an hour, an hour and a half,
yet the bird showed no sign of leaving,
as he had always done before, and the
engine driver grew uneasy.
"Mike makes me nervous," at last
he said to the fireman; "never stayed
so long. -This means something."
The fireman shook his head ominous
ly. The train approached a portion of
the road where the track wound for
several miles along a narrow bed on
the side of a canyon, where there were
numerous trestles and small bridges.
The engine driver 7on the right and the
fireman on the left side of the cab
leaned far out of the windows peer
ing ahead as the dizzy height was be
ing passed over. Suddenly Mike flew
to the engine driver's hand which rest
ed on the throttle, chirped fast and
Sparrow
loud for several seconds and darted
from the engine. The occurrence so
startled the" engine driver that he ner
vously shut off the steam and applied
the brakes. As he did so the fireman
gave a cry of alarm, and in another
instant a great mass of rocks and dirt
and trees crashed down the mountain
side'and on to the track, carrying with
It a bridge. With a deafening roar the
mass rolled on Jnto the chasm below,
missing the engine by only a few
yards. Had the train not been stopped
where it was the landslide must have
swept it into the awful depths.
Mike was never seen afterward.
What became of him, of course, no
body knows.
You may call it Instinct chance or
what you wish, but the fact remains
that the little sparrow saved the train
with its burden of human freight from
destruction. Chicago Chronicle.
-ESAU THE CHIMPANZEE.
Apes May Gain Brain Power by As
sociating: with Human Beings.
Esau, I believe, Is appearing at a
London music hall as a member of the
company, and goes through various
antics by way of showing the high
degree of intelligence he possesses.
Those of us who know something of
champanzee ways and. of ' the high
brain type the animal exhibits are not
surprised that an individual ape, here
and there, will go far ahead of his
fellows under domestication.
Only I take leave to remark that a
music hall is hardly the sphere in
which the educational development of
the animal can be duly 'carried out.
To my mind there Is something pa
thetic and calling for pity In the sight
of. an ape being made to "perform" for
the amusement of the crowd. The sci
entific side of the matter would be
represented by the further training of
the chimpanzee in private and the
careful watching of his ways. A story
has been circulated that Esau' is to be
taken to Germany to undergo an ope
ration on his tongue. In the hope, pre
sumably, of loosening that member and
of giving him a chance or speech.
Anything more ridiculous than this
idea could hardly have been conceived.
Esau has his own language 'eady
made. People who expect h'm to talk
forget that language is a matter of
brain, not of tongue or muscles only,
writes Dr. Andrew Wilson In the Lon
don Chronicle. Imitative acts might
be cultivated1 in the chimpanzee to a
surprising extent. If the dog, with a
much lower brain, has benefited by his
long association with man, one may
well speculate on the development of
brain power which would be possible
in a champanzee bad that race had
the advantage of human companion
ship for many centuries.
Bob Burdette to Young Men.
Remember, son, that the world Is old
er than you are by several years; that
for thousands of years it has been so
full of smarter and better young men
than yourself that their feet stuck out
of the dormer windows; that when
they died the old globe went whirling
on, and hot one man in ten millions
went to the funeral. Don't be too sor
ry for your father because he knows
so much less than you do. ' Remember
the reply of Dr. Wayland to the stu
dents of Brown University, who said
it was an easy enough thing to make
proverbs such as Solomon wrote.
"Make a few," tersely replied the old
man. The world has great need of
young men, but no greater need than
the young men have for It Your
clothes fit better than your father's fit
him; they cost more money and they
are more stylish; your mustache is
neater; the cut of your hair is better.
But young man, the old gentleman
gets the biggest salary, and his home
ly, scrambling signature on the busi
ness end of a check will drain more
money out of the bank In five min
utes than you could get out with a
ream of paper and a copper-plate sig
nature in six months.
Pay of Turkish Ministers.
A Turkish ministerial portfolio is a
sort of gold-mine to the holder. It is
not the Vizier, however, who holds
the richest claim, though liis salary is
$66,000 a year, which is also that of
the War Minister. The "plum" of
Turkish officials is the admiralty.
which is worth $84,000 a year, and the
present holder is stated to' have amass
ed a fortune of $12,000,000. The Min
ister of Foreign Affairs has $44,000,
and finance comes next with a thou
sand lower, financial ability being ap
parently esteemed in inverse ratio to
the need for it The lowest salary is
that of the Minister of Mines, though
it is rather higher than that of the
Premier of Great Britain. The sum is
$27,800.
Personal Observation.
"Do you think that riches bring hap.
piness?" said the philosopher.
"Beyond a doubt" answered Sen
ator Sorghum. "I can point out a
number of members of the legislature
who have been made happy by my
money." Washington Star.
mmmmmmmmm
MPR0VE THE NEGRO'S CONDITION.
By Ex-Presllent Broker Cleveland.
It is foolish for us t blind our eyes
to the fact that more should be done
to Improve the condition of our negro
papulation. And it should be entirely
plain to all of us that the sooner this
is undertaken the sooner will a serious
duty be discharged and the more surely
will we guard ourselves against future
trouble and danger. If we are to be
just and fair toward our colored fellow
gboveb Cleveland citizens, and . If they
completely made self-respecting, useful
of our body politic, they must be taught
more than to hew wood and draw water. The way must
be opened for them to engage in something better than
menial service, and their interests must be aroused to
rewards of intelligent occupation and careful thrift.
I believe that the exigency can only
through the Instrumentality of well equipped manual train
ing and industrial schools, conducted either Independently
or In connection with ordInaryeducatiomil institutions. I
am convinced that good citizenship, an orderly, contented
life and' a proper conception of civic virtue and obligations
are almost certain to grow out of a fair
honest, hopeful livelihood and a satisfied sense of secure
protection and considerate treatment,
WORK OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY.
By David S. Jorlaii, President of Letand
The twentieth century will be strenuous, com
plex and democratic. Strenuous it must be, as
we can all see. Our century has a host of things
to do bold things, noble things, tedious things,
difficult things, enduring things.
More than any of the others, the twentieth
century will be democratic. The greatest dis
covery of the nineteenth century was that f the
reality of external things. That of the twen
tieth century will be this axiom in
straightest line is the shortest distance between two
points." If something needs doing, do
ly, directly, honestly, the better.
Democracy does not mean equality
of this. It means Individual responsibility, equality be
fore the law, of course, equality of
other equality save that won -by faithful service. The
social system that bids men rise must
if they cannot maniain themselves. -To
man means the dismissal of the wrong.
The weak, the Incompetent, the
pated find no growing welcome in the
coming. It will have no place for the
A bucket of water and a basket of vcoal
unskilled laborer can do if we have skilled men for their
direction. The unskilled laborer is no product of democ
racy." He exists in spite ef democracy.
The lawyers of the future will, not
juries. They will save their clients from need of a judge
or jury. In every civilized nation the lawyers must be
the lawgivers. The sword has given place to the green
bag. The demand of the twentieth -century will be that the
INSECT TRAP FOR NIGHT USE.
An Inexpensive Method for Killing:
Insects That Fly.
The Government Bureau of Statistics
is authority for a statement containing
figures reaching into the hundreds of
miliions of dollars as indicating the ex
penditure applied directly to fighting
the Insects and worms which damage
the cotton, wlieat, corn and other crops
which form such a substantial part of
our revenues. A large portion of this
amount, no doubt, goes for the intro
duction of new ideas which have been
devised to aid in the work of destroy
ing these pests, and perhaps this latest
FLAME ATTRACTS PESTS.
trap, the invention of a Kentuckian,
will receive a share of attention and
serve its purpose in many a field. The
inventor takes -advantage of the well
known propensity of insects to fly to
ward a light, the flame in this instance
being mounted within a metallic cas
ing, to which entrance is gained
through four funnels pointing In differ
ent directions. Oi$ce within the hood,
the Insect soon falls to the reservoir
beneath, wherein a quantity of Insecti
cide has been placed to complete the
destruction of those which escape the
actual contact with the flame. Men
tion is also made of the fumes rising
from the liquid and impregnating the
atmosphere around the flame to over
come the insects and cause them to
fall into the liquid.
MEXICAN ARMY.
Will Soon Number 200,000 Per'ectly
' Equipped Soldiers.
Mexico, which next to the United
States, is the most orderly and stable
of all the American republic, is . pur
suing a policy of military expansion
which seems likely to develop a highly
efficient system of national defense. It
is the desire of President Diaz that
within two years the Mexican govern
ment shall be able on short notice to
mobilize an army of 200,000 thor
oughly trained and perfectly equipped
soldiers. To make this result, possi
ble more than 300,000 boys and young
men are now receiving regular daily
military instruction in 11,000. public
schools of Mexico, and the army will
be recruited from their number. This
program for ' the creation of a
greater Mexican army is supplemented
with plans for a larger naval estab
lishment, two vessels for which are
now under, construction at the Cres
cent shipyard, Ellzabethtown, N. J- In
this development of her military re
sources Mexico Is following the natur
al policy of enlightened nations. It is
believed in some quarters that the in
tegrity of Mexican , Institutions will
be severely tested when President
Diaz retires from office, . and that a
strong government, including an effec
tive military establishment, will be
nedv? u protect the republic against
puss, mn
statutes coincide with equity. This condition educated
lawyers can bring about
In politics the demand for serious service must grow.
As we have to do with wise men and clean men, states
men Instead of vote manipulators, we shall feel more and
more the need for them. We shall demand not only men
who can lead in action, Jjut men who can prevent unwise
action. Often the policy which seems most attractive to
the majority is full of danger for the future. We need
men who can face popular oplnidn and if need be to face
it down.
The need of the teacher will not-grow less as the cen
tury goes on. The history of the future is wTritten in the
schools of to-day, and the reform which gives as better
schools Is the greatest of reforms. Free should the schol
ar berrfree and brave, and to such as these the twen
tieth century will bring the reward of the scholar.
The twentieth century will mark an epoch In the his
tory of religion. Some say Idly that religion is losing her
hold in these strenuous days. But she is not. She is
simply changing her grip. The religion of this century
will be more practical, more real. It will deal with the
days of the week as well as with the Sabbath. It will be
as potent in the markets of trade as in the walls of a
cathedral, for man's religion is his working hypothesis of
are to be more
and safe members
to do something
be adequately met
life, not of life in
chance to earn an
to-day, the only day
STRIKES HELP WORKINGMAN'S CONDITION.
Stanford University,
.geometry: "The
It; the more plain
BISHOP FOTTEB.
to those over whom
just the reverse
opportunity, but no
also let them fall
became the right
untrained, the dissi
century which Is
unskilled laborer.
wilL do all that the
be pleaders before
THREE MEN WHO HAVE MADE THEMSELVES
WEALTHY AT EARMING IN THE SOUTHWEST.
ONE of the most successful millionaire farmers In the West Is David
Rankin, of Tarklo, Mo., who has made $1,000,000 in farming, and who
actually owns the largest farm in the world. Rankin has 23.000 acres
under his personal supervision, all of which Is under cultivation. He
began farming with a colt which his father gave him when a lad. He
traded the colt for a pair of oxen and with them tilled eighty acres of
rented land, until he had accumulated enough to buy a small tract. He had
been living in Illinois, but thought better of Missouri as a farming country.
So for $8 an acre he bought great tracts of ground, adding to his fields
as the income of the other fields would permit, until he had surrounded
himself In thirty years with 23,000 acres, all of which is sown to crops
every year. He employs 200 men on the farm. He has 700 teams, and In
good seasons he makes $100,000 clear money. He buys 8,000 to 10,000 head
of steers every year and feeds them. He keeps these cattle, not In pastures,
but in clean stables and lots, where they are fed from the products of his
fields until he Is ready to ship to the markets. ,
Take the Forsha ranch, in Kansas, for instance, where another system
Is carried on entirely, Mr. Forsha is a believer in the raising of alfalfa, and
he has 15,000 acres sown to that. He also raises and feeds cattle for the
markets, but he never raises cereals. He has a mill on his ranch, and he
buys the wheat from other farmers, makes it into flour, but he raises little
wheat himself. He makes from $10 to $100 net profit an acre from the
alfalfa, and the fields in the fall and winter furnish pasture for 'his herds.
Forsha began ranching and farming in Kansas only a few years ago. To
day he is worth several hundred thousand dollars.
John Stewart began farming In Kansas without, a dollar. He was work
ing in a real -estate office as a salesman. He bought some homesteaders'
rights to deserted quarter sections for a mere pittance. 'A boom came, and
In three years he was worth $8,000. Then he went- to Sumner County,
. Kansas, and began ranching and raising wheat To-day Sumner County
produces 8,000,000 bushels of wheat annually, and holds the world's record
in quantity for its size. Stewart bought additional land every 'year there
was a drouth, thereby getting it at a reduction. He has made a large fortune
In less than thirty years.
serious internal disorder. It is pos
sibly with a view of providing for
such an emergency that the present
movement for a large and trustworthy
army has been instituted. Army and,
Navy Journal.
I A Farmer's Daughter:
J What She Can Eo.
In a paper read before the thirteenth
annual convention of the Indiana State
Dairy Association, Miss Edith Parsons,
a student In Purdue University, gave
an Interesting account of her experi
ence In dairying". Miss Parsons began
with the three or four ' cows kept to
supply their own family, and is. now
stllinsr the product, of between fifteen
and twenty cows at a profitable price,,
because of its uniform excellence and
regularity of supply. - .
After recounting her difficulties In
getting a good herd, she said: "After
you decide to begin dairying, the ques
tion .arises: Who shall -care for the
milk and the butter? Shall it be the
farmer and his sons who toll in the
field all day, or shall It be the tired
mother and wife .who shall do this
work, thinking it one of her many
duties, Instead of a source of pleasure
to her? Noi -
"In my opinion, it should be the
farmer's daughter 'who should come
forward and say, I am young and
know that I would enjoy taking full
charge of the dairy work. How proud
I will feel to think that I am m.aklng
gilt-edged butter.
"Many mothers persist in saying that
the work in a dairy Is too hard for
their daughters and would soon become
a drudgery to them, but I believe moth
ers of this opinion forget that any
work, no matter bow hard, if entered
Into with the soul and willing hands,
ceases to be drudgery and becomes an
art. ,- .
"The dark side to dairying for the
some future world, but of life right here
we have In which to build a life.
By Bishop rotter, of flew York,
I believe in strikes, shocking as the
statement may seem. I believe in the
conservative value of the organizations
from which the strikes come. TJhe con
dition of the working man was never
improved until in reply to the demands
of a labor organization Itself or by the
Interposition of persons not Interested
as capitalists or laborers. The real
value of the labor organization la that
It appears to be the only method by
which the great Interests which serve
themselves best by exacting most can
be obliged to yield some consideration
they have control.
DEMOCRACY OF THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS.
By Jacob bould Scburman, President of Cornell University.
State schools are, so far as mental training
and the acquisition of knowledge go, vastly su
perior to either church schools or private schools.
Private and church schools tend to breed caste
and division among the children of the com
munity. The public school, on the other hand,
is the mirror of the republic. In the public
schools of a town yoa have the purest democ
racy in the world. When we look at hard facts,
we see that it is folly to blame the schools for defects of
blood, lapses of virtue and blight of character, which
neither our laws nor our policy requires the schools to
combat. You must blame' the church, you must blame the
offenders, you must blame yourselves, when your children
become the 'victims of intemperance, vice or Impiety. .
farmer's daughter Is that it Is an every
"uoiuess mar can not be put into
inexperienced hands, without getting
things out of balance, and that whole
days off must be few. But a girl who
has tact and Judgment enough to get
the best results from a Jeraov mw f.
well qualified to win by persuasive
measure any ravor she may covet
"So I would sav to th tarmar
daughters, stick to the farm, keep up
oume proression that can be practiced
on the farm, whether it be dah-rW
or poultry raising, don't for a single
moment let the tempter have posses
sion of you, but think of vonr health
Nnd of those little gold mines on the
iarm ana remeraDer that with health
comes happiness and with happiness
wealth."
Life Subscriptions.
A Century subscriber recently wroft
to the publishers Inquiring what the
charge would be for a life subscrlntion
to the Century for a man 33 years of
age. .the question was submitted to
one of the large life insurance comrvan
les, who reported that by the American
experience table of mortality, assuming
money to earn three per ceat annual In
terest, a man 33 years of aire should
pay $81.64 for a life subscrlntion to the
Century. The publishers do not think
it Is worth while to open a department
for life subscriptions, but it is Interest
ing to know that a man of 33 can look
forward to the probable enjoyment of
over eighty dollars' worth of . future
Century Magazines.
. High Freight Hates.
It costs almost twice as much t to
send boxed goods from New York to
San Francisco by rail direct as It does
via London, the Suez Canal, Hongkong
and Yokohama, by steamer.
Miss Flyrt Oh, yes, I've bad nine
proposals since I saw you last Miss
Newitt Indeed! And did you finally
reward his perseverance by accepting
him ? Philadelphia Catholic Standard.
Fresh men usually tell stale stories.
SUPPOSE WE SMILE.
HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM
THE COMIC PAPERS.
Pleasant . incidents Occurring- the
World Over-Sayinirs that Are Cheer
ful to Old or Young Funny Selec
tions that Everybody Will Enjoy.
"You say," tittered the fiancee of the
vegetarian, "that you could fairly eat
nnv Now, isn't that contrary to the
tenets of your belief?".
"Not at all, asserted the vegetarian.
"But if you ate me -" ,
"I should simply be eating a peach."
No use talking, the meat diet is the
only thing that makes the mind active.
Judge.
Not Yet a Lost Art.
"Madam, I caught your husband mak
ing love to my wife."
"Oh, lovely! Then he hasn't fwgotten
how." Life.
Obedient Boy.
Mr. C. U. Stormer Here, boy, what
are you doing there?
New Bey A' gwan, I guess I knows
me biz; de boss tole me to file dese let
ters an' dey can't no boy do it no better
den I'se can.
Device for Savins; Time.
Mistress Oh, Norah, when you set
the table you placed the knives on the
left side, where you should have placed
the forks. .
Norah Indade, ma'am, an' thot's ais
ily, fixed. Oi'll turrun the table around.
New York Herald.
Feminine Charity.
He I wonder why Miss Overton is so
sensitive about her age.
She I can't imagine. She's certainly
old enough to have got over a little
thing like that long ago.
Rubbing; It In.
Husband Last night I dreamed I
was in heaven. I wonder what that's
a sign of.
Wife It must be a sign that the old
adage about the contrariness of dreams
Is true. -
As Indicated.
Mrs. Caller Have you sized up your
new neighbors yet?
Mrs. Homer Yes; they are evidently
in very poor circumstances.
Mrs. Caller Why do you think so?
Mrs. Homer Because they try so
hard not to show it.
Mistook His Calling.
There was an absent-minded profes
sor who started out as a book agent
"I'd like to show you a new diction
ary of the English language," he said
to the first man upon whom he called.
"But I don't speak the English lan
guage," Impatiently responded the man,
who happened to be a busy lawyer.
"I beg your pardon," hastily apolo
gized the absent-minded professor,
backing out.
One of Them.. '
Laffan Who is that pretty girl ever
there by the bay window? Isn't she a
poem?
Grofat She is. She's a poem you
ought to know. Come along, and I'll
introduce you.
Her Preference.
He What would you say, my dear,
If I should win a big stake to-day?
She Why, I'd say to have it cooked
rare, to be sure. -
Justifiable Excuse.
"I must have been born under an
unlucky star," said the angry wife,
whose request for a new bonnet had
just been vetoed. "I could have mar
ried either Jones or Brown before I
met you and to-day they are both mil
lionaires, while you have nothing."
"Yes, my dear," replied the patient
other half of the sketch, "but you
should remember that Jones and
Brown are still In the bachelor class,
while I have had you to support all
these years."
Strong Resemblance Not Needed.
Percy Miss Sweetly, do you think
you could be happy with a man like
me?
Miss Sweetly Well, perhaps. If he
wasn't too much like you! Comic
Cuts. ; '
. A Severe Summary.
"He is a highly accomplished linguist
"Yes," answered Miss Cayenne; "he
is one of these people who know a great
many languages and nothing worth
saying In any of them." Washington
Star. ' ' - -
A Tip.
The Manager I don't know what to
do. Now, in this last play we had
real water, real farm animals and a
real haystack and yet it didn't go. -
The Soubrette Why don't "you try
some real actors?
Only Heiios.
Judge What are 'you here for?
Culprit Dat's easy," Judge; it's 'cause
I can't git away. .
Very Consoling.
FriendI noticed Mr. Bluffwood tid
ing with you in the hack. ,
Widow Yes, and he was very consol
ing. Friend Did he speak about the good
deeds of your poor husband?
Widow No, but he said I'd look well
in black.
An Extra Letter.
Clerk Gentleman from -Pittsburg
just arrived.
Hotel Proprietor How did he regis
ter the word Pittsburg?
Clerk Pittsburgh.
' Hotel Proprietor Then he belongs to
the ultra-class. Charge him a few dol
lars extra.
Bevlsed Version.
"Never put off till to-morrow the
things you can do to-day," remarked
the man with the chronic quotation
habit
"That axiom's moth-eaten," rejoined
the up-to-date specimen of hustling
humanity. "What's the matter with
doing them yesterday and resting to
day?" Another Veteran.
"Boss," said the wanderer, "I went
through three bttles."
"Shake!" exclaimed the man in the
cottage. "I went through three my
self." .
"You did?"
"Yes, I was married three times."
Accounted For.
Rodrick It seems rather peculiar
that the actors in "Across the Desert"
should wear fur-tipped overcoats.
Van Albert Perhaps they expect a
frost.
An Optimist.
"He's an optimist."
"Indeed?"
"Yes; he thinks" he gets handsomer
as he grows older." Detroit Free
Press.
An Insinuation.
Bess Young Minklns Is daffy on the
subject of matrimony. He asks every
girl he meets to marry him.
Nell Well, why don' you get some
one to Introduce you?
His Early Training.
"A 2-cent stamp, please," said the
lady at the stamp window of the post
offlce. "Yes, madam," replied the new clerk,
who had just graduated from a de
partment store. "Will you take It
with you or have it sent?"
"Heavens, dear, they think we've Just
been married."
Very Likely.
Wife (looking up from paper) Wtiat
was "Hobson'S' choice," anyway?
Husband Mrs. Hobson, I suppose.
Not So Bad as That.
"It was too bad to keep you waiting
so long, for your change," said the
smiling shop girl, as she counted it
out. "I am afraid I have given you a
bad quarter1 "
"What!" exclaimed Mr. Tyte-Phlst,
in alarm.
" of an hour."
"Oh!" he said, considerably relieved.
Once Is a Great Plenty.
Mrs. Crimsonbeak People are never
satisfied in this world, Mr. Crimson
beak. Mr. Crimsonbeak Oh, I don't know;
you never heard of a man eloping
more than once, did you? Yonkers
Statesman. .
Had to Show Her.
Jones I tried to convince my wife
that I couldn't afford to buy her a new
bonnet for Easter.
Brown Did you succeed?
Jones No; she insisted on having
the argument brought home to her.
Distance Lends Enchantment.
He Could you learn to love me if I
were a millionaire?
She I certainly would like you were
you better off say, a thousand miles
or more. Illustrated Bits.
Knew the Cook.
Gunner I hear that you recommend
ed your cook to Wllderman. Did you
do it as a favor?
Guyer No; as a grudge.
A Candid Opinion.
"What do you think the greatest need
of the modern drama is?"
And after serious thought Mr. Storm
in'gton Barnes replied: "Lower railway
fares and better hotels." Washington
Star.
Table Was All Right.
Judge Does the landlady In your
boarding house keep a good table?
Fudge Splendid. It's quartered oak
with expensive mahogany trimmings.
The table is splendid. It's only the
meals that are on it that I object to.
Baltimore Herald.
Peculiar Verdicts.
In the Kansas District Court, recent
ly, a jury returned a verdict finding a
certain accused person guilty of lar
ceny. The verdict had not been pre
pared in the technical form desired,
and the Judge sent the jury back to
make the necessary corrections. The
jury was gone for half an hour, and
when it returned It brought In a ver
dict acquitting the prisoner! But a
verdict even more amusing was perpe
trated by a Jury at Pittsburg the other
day. The case was a criminal one,
and after a few minutes' consultation,
the jury filed into the box from Its
room.
. "Have you agreed upon a verdict?"
asked the Judge.
"We have," responded the foreman,
passing it over.
"The clerk will read," said the Judge.
And the clerk read:
"We, your Jury; agree to dlsagreel"
If a girl wants to gef rid of an unde
sirable suitor all she has to do la to
appear on the stage of action with her
hair done up In curl paper , v