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About Corvallis gazette. (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 4, 1901)
it 1. ! "(if) MODEL OF SANTOS-DUMONT'S AIR SHIP The air ship which M. de Santos-Dumont successfully tried In Paris is the outgrowth of several years of work and , experiment on the part of the Inventor. This machine was only recently completed. .. Work on its construction was kept profoundly secret until it was ready to sail. The Illustration shown herewith is reproduced from a photograph of the ship finished by the inventor last year. It Is very much the same In size and construction as that used by Santos-Damont" t This apparatus is suspended from a huge cigar-shaped balloon not shown in the picture. The motor Is gasoline en gine, which drives the shaft of the screw. The aeronaut sits in the saddle and starts the motor by means of a pedal and chain gear, as in the case of a motorcycle. The gasoline is contained In the upper cylinder and in the lower and larger -cylinder Is a reservoir of water which is used as ballast. The capacity of the balloon which floats this apparatus is ll,7i) cubic feet, and the motor gives sixteen horse power. The Inventor has been working upon his Idea for many years. He Is a practiced aeronaut and lias had a long experience as a. balloonist. ' ' i i . THE MIRACLE. The bells of hope to him rang clear, The pride of youth reigned in his heart. He scoffed at failure, dread, and fear. . Valiant was he to serve his art. "My pen shall speak to all mankind; The world shall know my fame," he said. He wrote. The world to him was blind, His message, from its birth, lay dead. Mature, he labored on In faith, While kindness took the place of pride; His dream of fame became a wraith That mocked him In the eventide. "My pen shall speak but to the few The few that value worth," he said. He wrote. The little world he knew Spoke fair, but left his words unread. When years had stolen faith and hope, When fame Seemed worthless in his eyes. The aged man, a misanthrope, Forsook his quest of honor's prize. "My pen shall speak to one alone I'll write but for myself," he said. He wrote. And from his heart the stone Of failure vanished as he read. And then a miracle was done. - The thing he wrought fof-gecret store Went to the world, and one by one Elusive honors sought his door. "I wrote the tale my heart found true, Unmindful of the wprld," he said. And as he passed from mortal view Fame placed her wreath npon his head. Success. 66 IM, I want you to meet Elsie Everton," was the way Mrs. Tom began. "Matchmaking," grunted Jim, "will be the death of you yet, Sallie." v "I could not die In a better cause. Have you ever seen her?" "Once. She was driving with Ho bart." "Oh, then you know all about it." "I know Hoba'rt," dryly. Mrs. Tom nodded. "But," she deprecatingly reminded him, "he is fascinating; quite the man to attract a young creature unaccus tomed to his type. She was Just from school." "I thought that all the girls' schools now were colleges." "No matter; they don't teach how to read Bert Hobart" "So Miss Everton took private les sons, eh?" "They were engaged," Mrs. Tom an nounced briefly, "and he Jilted her." "It is a way he has. You want me, I suppose, for a sort of" sootblng syrup?" "Oh, she doesn't need soothing-syrup, or tonic either; not she. Of course," musingly, "she is In a proper wrath against herself. A girl so sets her heart, you see, upon crowning a real king. It is the very prettiest among her castles, In Spain; and there's noth ing like the humiliation of . having throned the wrong man. But what Is the use" leaning back resignedly I among the cushions of her divan "of talking to a man about that?" ,j "Do you suppose a man never wants k kick himself?" asked Jim. ; "He wants to kick the other party first." . , "Am I to Infer that a woman does not?" "You may be sure of it Her indigna tion against herself swallows every thing else. The foe in such cases is be neath attention. But," with a vexed little grimace, "that complacent smile "of Hobart's is certainly exasperating. It would do me good to have htm thor oughly learn that Elsie Everton has his little soul's measure and wouldn't mar ry him to save his life." "Oh, she wouldn't, "eh?" "Not" energetically, "to save . her own life." v Jim quoted '. " 'The case of Betty Baxter. : ; W.Vo rejected a man before he axed her,' and skeptically smiled. "As I said," retorted Mrs. Tom, bris tling, "the matter is much too deep for' a man's understanding." "Then why," Jim laughed good na- tnredly, "are you prodding me with It?" "Because," suddenly gracious, "you are a valuable ally. Elsie Is coming to visit me and ' Jim flung back his head to break in with a jolly laugh. "And Hobart Is to witness my devo tion and grow madly Jealous. Oh, Sal lie, Sallie!" - .; "You know very . well, said Sallie, beaming on him, "that your attentions make any girl the fashion." Hobart and a dozen others will follow your lead, want Elsie to have a good time." ' , "Scalping a lot of poor fellows that never did her any barm; that's a girl's Idea of a pleasant time." . "You'll help, dear?" "Oh,. I'll be polite to your guest of course." ' " "Of course;" gleefully, ;" we'll soon have him subdued. "And married?" AINU A FOKTKAH "Well," slowly, "it's really wonderful how much a woman will forgive." ... Jim chuckled. " "I am glad," was Mrs. Tom's next remark, "that the trellis at Hobart's Is being cleared away; It obstructed the view." ' - ; ' . Jim stood up. "Shall I go over," he inquired, "and discover how far--" "I know,'' she Interrupted. "He can see every man that comes up the steps, all the flowers that come, every drive she takes and I'll see to ber clothes, they make such a difference." " "Poor man," Jim said, with a comi cal grimace. "I'll go and have a smoke with him." - i ;-T ; v-, "If he should ask you," Sallie called after him along the hall, "about a re port that she flirted with him, say you heard it" "I say, Sallie," Jim remonstrated over his shoulder, "bar fibs." "There really is such a report," Mrs. Tom assured him.. "I started it my self." -;" ' "Good Lord deliver us," said Jim. "It will get him in a proper state of mind." .. -.. . -.'. : "I dare say." "Do you really mean to marry her to Hobart?" asked Tom, who had been an amused witness of this little chat be tween his wife and her brother. She waited to hear the front door shut, then smiled and touched a finger to her lips. "To Jim," she whispered, and passed the finger from her lips to his. V "I see," genially, "and I'll Join " the game." - "Oh, will you?" rather startled. "How?" ... . . "I'll be one of the rivals. A mar ried man can get very much in the way when be wants to." " "But, Tom, it really isn't necessary. With Jim In the lead, there'll be rivals enough."' , , "The more the merrier," gaily. "I'll help." ;. - "It's ever so good of you," said Mrs. Tom, and hummed a little tune In the pause that followed. .'.; About two weeks later Jim was hur rying along the sidewalk one day when Mrs. Tom's trap drew up alongside. : "I was going to you," he said,, as he stepped in, "with news." "News?" -?' .:. 3 '- -I "Yes. . Hobart Is meeting your expec tations." We happened In at the florlst's-l together, and he grinned so offensively that I Judge you may feel quite sure of him." - 'You were both ordering flowers for that girl?" "You don't suppose that I am going to back down for a cad like Hobart, do you?" - "But you look and talk as If he were successful." '" "Well." sullenly, "I'll not take his grin for it." - -- Mrs. Tom faltered a bit over her next question v "Is is any one else in the running, do you think?" " - ''No; unless You're not quarreling with Tom about anything, are you?" He's in the plot," with a faint ianeh. . "Acts his part," drily, "pretty well." : "He does everything well," said Mrs. Tom, but she was pale. r; THE "LOOP THE THE LOOP IN THE CENTRIFUGAL RAILWAY. The "flip-flap," or "loop-the-loop," is for whom' the old scenic railway with It applies a scientific principle to the conveyance of a carload of human beings around the inside of a track describing fall out. To describe it more familiarly, the people in the car are in the posi tion of the water in a pitcher which is whirled rapidly above, Its mouth downward part of the time, ; Why doesn't the water pour out? is the natural question. Well, it doesn't have time.- Not exactly.. In fact the force driving the water ahead is so much greater than" the force of gravity" drawing it, down that it cannot fall. The people in the loop the-loop rush down a grade at such speed that they cannot fall even when they momentum they have gained sends in the car and holds them there. until ' The sensation in the flip-flap is not hand had been placed on his head and ing along at a great rate, the car is suddenly caught in an upward circle, runs np, back and down, before the people It's very scientific, but not very p'eawint either to see, indulge in or thick of. Mr. Wu, the Chinese minister at Washington, tried it once. He said once was enough. At Con"y Island it. tans been suppressed by the police.- --- , Oh Tflhi lISVtimOK. r "He pays a good price for orchids, tOO." :C. .5 , ''He was at the florist's with you?" " "He was. .And his grin," sulkily, "was very like Hobart's; and he went off humming that idiotic Jingle " 'The lion and the univorn Fighting for a crown; . Up jumps a little dog And knocks them both down.' " t ' "Tom is so bright," said Mrs. Tom. To which Jim grunted, and the drive was finished In silence. : '.-.-.' That night Miss Everton went to her hostess for a bit of confidence; she was prettily flushed and shy. . , r "You persuaded me," she began, "to let Mr. Hobart speak, so I did." - "Yes?" Mrs. Tom answered coldly. "But, oh, Sallie, I do feel small about it. Don't you think,' dear, that a dif ferent sort of man, a man who thinks of me at my best, would hate to know I did It?" : ' - - ; t 7 .. ;. "A different sort of man?"; - . - : "Oh, very- different," - demurely; "you," with a shy, bright glance, "think so, too." - , Righteous, astonished wrath gathered in Mrs. Tom's eyes; but a knock in terrrupted. With the opening of the door came a rainbow gleam of orchids. "Oh, glorious!" cried Miss Everton. There was a basketful of the care, spidery beauties. The servant waited. looking to his mistress, who was pale and silent . : r - "For Miss Everton?" she-said at last "For you, madam." V, She went hurriedly past him and down to the smoking room. Jim and Tom were there. Flushed and a little out of breath, she ran to Tom. ; -"Don't get up," settling an arm com' fortably over his shoulder and looking across to her brother. "I only want to tell Jinr that Bert Hobart has been re jected." "You're Bure?" cried Jim. , "And I wish," with a peremptory nod, "that you would go up and ask Elsie if she'd like a a glass of wine, or anything." Tom began ' to laugh, - but met his wife's eyes with tears in them, and stared instead - "I'm so glad," struggling with a hap py sob, 'about Jim and Elsie." . "Nonsense; you mustn't fib to me, Sallie. What's the matter?" - The only answer -was a long breath of content Later, however, there came. a retort question.-: .. .-: , 7 "What" did you mean by that "little dog Jingle?" .This had to be somewhat elaborated. and then Tom finished his interrupted laugh." -, - "Why, I was helping the plot," he said. - - "Oh, yes. And I am ever so much obliged to you," with another sigh of peace; "ever so much; but next time, dear, you needn't bother." Town and .Country. ,. . : , , . Why, Indeed. Why should the millionaire boast be cause be started in life a barefoot boy? Half the people In the country did that and the other half started in as bare foot girls. Somerville Journal. . .. - Some dogs can be taught to stand on two' legs and beg just like a man. LOOP" CRAZE. the latest sensation, designed for thos iti sudden curves was not swift enough. a " perpendicular circle and they don't are upside down in the loop, because the. them' onward, presses them into their seats the car is once more bottom side down pleasant. The traveler feels as if a giant was squeezing him down in the seat Rush seated in it lose their , forward impel ns, LAZIEST MAN 18 DEAD. PASSED HIS ENTIRE LIFE IN AN DOVER, CONN. Never Worked from Hla Birth to His Death, Invented a Valuable Device to Save Hla Own Labor and Finally Sought an Kasy Demise. ."- ' : . - ;' ' .' i ;' ' The laziest man In New England is dead. . Joseph A. Bingham was 50 years old and never In the memory of any ac quaintance had be done a stroke of work. ; He was born, reared, lived and died in Andover, Conn.' Bingham was so lazy, says the Boston Post that the sight of a woodpile; saw-horse and saw made his head ache. The sight of men t work caused him to have fits. He usually took them under the shade of a big elm in -front of the town tavern. He never washed his face, combed his hair, wore a collar nor laced bis shoes. All these little minor, things required some degree of animation, and Bing ham abdorred animation. ' " Born of well-to-do' parents, he was supported by . their wealth as long as they lived, then a legacy was left him in trust, which the selectmen doled out to him. tie boarded at Andover Inn for years, until his money was gone, then the scene shifted to a little house pro vided by the selectmen.: Hera It was charged that he. was too lazy to cut the wood given him, too lazy to draw water from the near-by well, too lazy to tie up his shoes. It was too much work to put on a collar, and as for cooking a meal with material all given him well, he would starve rather than do it Several years ago, when he became a town charge, an effort was made to get work out of him,' but it proved a flat failure. He was let out to a far mer to assist in threshing grain. Bing ham was given the position of taking away the shucked straw after It lias passed through the whirling thresher. He watched the machine work for a few minutes end then, with a hammer and nails and two or three pieces of board, rigged up a device which, when attached to a crank on the feeder, serv- ed to carry the discharged straw away to the . dump. This single effort pros trated Bingham " and be took" a nap forthwith. '' - 1 " Some one recognized the value of the new device, and the Idea was patented In Bingham's name as a joke. A short time later an agent for a threshing ma chine company came to Andover and woke Bingham up. The agent found him under his favorite tree asleep, as usual. The agent talked; Bingham look ed disturbed.; The agent wanted the use of the patent; Bingham wanted to be left alone. Finally the exasperated agent, getting no replies from the lazy man, raised his bids' by degrees from $50 to $500. Bingham turned over and settled himself to take a well-earned rest. : Then the agent gave him a paper to sign, but Bingham was Bleeping the sleep of the weary. : The agent gave up and left town. Bingham slept on. His sleep was never disturbed by the thought of the fortune that knocked at his door. . . .. . - For the first time in 25 years he look ed into a mirror. What he saw there was his own reflection. He walked out and deliberately began a nap in front of an approaching train. . It ended his life easily. No exertion on his part was needed, as there would have been if he had used a pistol, rope or poison.1- NEW SEEDLESS WATERMELONS. Fecret o ' Kaieinic 'i hem Said to Have ..- Keen Discovered in Colorado, Former State Senator Swink ha been working on the seedless melon proposi tion many years. During the long win ter nights he sat up and wrestled with the great problem, "How , can It be done?" ,. Often daylight found him ex amining minutely and microscopically the seeds he had cut and hacked and desiccated, in his efforts to -determine how-to get along without them. '.And early one morning about five months ago, so It is related,. Mr. Swink came bounding into breakfast after one of his all-night sessions and startled bis wife and children by shouting in a perfect spasm of glee: ' "I've got it! I can Then, it is said, he rushed away with out explaining toi his astonished family what on earth he meant But Mrs. Swink is reputed to have said: "Never mind; father knows. And as "father stands quite well In the estimation of his family, the mere knowledge that he knew was quite suf ficient for all.' Swink selected certain kinds of seeds, planted them at certain unusual distances apart and began to watcb for the first signs of their ger mination. After spying on the plants as they grew; it became known tnat he bad- really put some momentous enter prise on foot. -' J ; y " ?. ; Later Mr. Swink brought and laid be fore his family and friends, a huge, long green melon, and, dividing It clear ly at one stroke pf his big knife, dis played to them the pink interior of a splendid emerald sphere without a sin gle seed. This was but the small bei ginning of a great end." Of course, Mr. Swink will not reveal the secret process by which he cut off a melon's hope of posterity and at the same time renders its fleeting presence here most benefi cent and beloved.-i-Denver -Post. HE JOINED THE SHOW. t But Twenty four Honra' ..Work With . - oat bleep Wu Too Much. "I haven't been to a circus for forty years," declared the well-known busi ness man with a chuckle, according to the Detroit Free Press. "The fact Is that I always feel like leaving town whenever I hear that one is coming, for fear that I might meet "the man to whom I hired out as a circus hand in the days when 1 was young. . : "I suppose there is a period in every boy's life when his only ambition is to belong to a circus. ' I know there was in mine, and I bad it satisfied in the shortest time on record. A small show had pitched Its tents on the vil lage green in the little town where lived, and I desired to adopt the pro fession right then and there. I applied to 'the- boss for a job and was accepted on the spot as a razorback. What ie razorback? ; Well, he is a member of the loading gang. You unload in the morning and raise ber back at sJght I was simply appalled by the amount of work that came my way, followed by such profanity that I never hope to hear again. I was kept on the Jump till midnight when we bad the outfit all loaded up, and I breathed "a sigb of relief, which quickly gave way to one of despair when the boss told me to drive the wagofl that had the tents loaded on it ; In those days the only means of traveling was by wagon. " 'Say, mister,' said I, timidly, 'when do we sleep? -' -. ' --. , 'Sleep? he roared; 'we don't sleep here'.' - .. - ; .... "I felt that was a fact as I knew we had an all-nighf s ride ahead of us, with the weary work of unloading as soon as we did arrive. But as far as was concerned, tired nature gave out and I was sound asleep before we had gone a mile. I awoke just as day was breaking and found myself on a lonely country road and without the slightest idea where I was. From a country boy .who chanced , to come along E learned that the town I was supposed to be headed for' was 'thirty miles away, and that I was getting farther away from it every minute. When I realized my position my teeth com menced to chatter. . But suddenly a brilliant idea occurred to me. 'Say,' said I to the boy, 'do ' you want a pass to the show? ?''You bet' said he.. .' ".'Well,' said I, 'drive this wagon to the town where the show is and I will see that you get In. One of our ele phants has escaped and I have got to capture him.' r , -. , .- . -; .4 - Then I made for home. I never heard what they did to that country boy when he arrived. I hope they didn't kill him." : Science iVention The period of five seconds between a flash of lightning and thunder means that the flash was-"a mile distant from the observer. Thunder has never been heard over 14 miles from the flash, though artillery has been beard at 120 miles. - It Is said to be only a question of time before the Bermuda Islands will sink under the ocean. The geological theory is that the islands are merely the remnant of one large island. The sub sidence within a comparatively recent period has been, from 80 to 100 feet The earth revolves on its axis once in 24 hours. Millions of years' ago the day was 22 hours; millions of years be fore, it was 21 hours. . As we look back ward into time we find the earth re volving faster and faster. There was a time, ages ago, long before geology be gins, when the earth was rotating In a day of five or six hours In length. In the remotest past the earth revolved in a day of about five hours. It could revolve no faster than this and remain a single unbroken .mass. - : - The Russian people are fond of tea, and efforts are being made to develop important tea plantations in the Cau casus. Nearly balf a century ago it was found that the tea-plant - could be grown in gardens on the shores of the Black Sea, but at first it was culti vated only as a curiosity or for orna ment Since 1890 plantations of con siderable extent have been formed, and while the cultivators have not succeed ed in Imitating the fine flavor of Chi nese, Ceylonese or Indian teas, yet the demand among the peasants for tea of some kind is so great that even the Caucasian variety finds a market ' The Russian government Is trying to en courage the cultivation. ' : . :i The city of Paris is being rapidly sup plied with a system of public clocks worked by .compressed air under elec trical controL The entire' area of the city Is divided Into sections" about a mile and three-quarters in radius, and in the center of each section is a sub station provided with, a reservoir of compressed air, from which air-pipes extend to all the clocks included In the section. By means of electro-magnets, energized every minute with currents from a commutator, controlled by a master-clock at the central station, the air-pipes are intermittently connected with the reservoirs, "and thus the com pressed air, once every minute, drives. forward the hands of the clocks. ' ; It is generally known that some spe cies ef birds are able to imitate the songs of other birds, but a more sur prising fact is related, by a French nat uralist, Monsieur Coupin,- concerning a sparrow which learned the shrill chant of grasshoppers. 'The insects happen ed to' be. confined . In a cage hung be side the sparrow's cage," but It was not until a year afterward, when again the bird- and the grasshoppers were neighbors, that the sparrow was heard imitating the notes of the Insects. All the rest ef its life, and long after the grasshoppers from whom it -had taken Its lessons were dead, the sparrow con tinued to intermingle with Its own songs the peculiar music of Its lost friends. . ''Plus'!. Man Ever In Demand. !' The "plus" man is one who Is more than appears on the surface, bigger than he looks, stronger than he seems, abler than he shows In ordinary affairs, better than the world Judges him, con stan tly. rising to great occasions and ac complishing more than is expected of him, writes Victor Smith in the New York Press. ' There are many such men to whom great occasions never come. There are a few whose "plusness" has a chance to illuminate the earthy every day. . . . .. Perhaps the finest type of "plus" man was President Lincoln. Grant too, was plus. It might be confessed that plus. in the sense used, is nearly synony mous with successful. In commercial life Mr. Morgan Is heavily plus. ' In railroading William K. Vanderbult and Edward H. Harriman have loomed up rather suddenly as plus. Commodore Vanderbilt and Jay Gould were plus, Croker Is plus.: Odell Is plus. ., ;;v., ' i In the contracting line John B. Mc Donald is heavily plus. It is not every man of affairs who can take hold of a J35,000,000 job and carry It along sue! cessfully without losing a pound of flesh from worry. Plus men seldom worry. They have great nerve but no .nerves. ;v i, flUMOB OF THE WEEK STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS, Odd, Cnriona and Langhable Phasea of Human Nature Graphically Por trayed by Eminent Word Artlata of Oar Own Day-A Budget of Van, "Young man," said the stern parent "do you think yon will be able to sup port my daughter in the style to which she has been accustomed?" . Now this young man thought for a moment, and then replied: "Well er I think so, with one excep tion." - "Aba! And what may the exception be, sir?" - "I don't think I could be so Infernal ly stingy, with the gas." Denver Times. - A Fine Imitation. -" "James Henry, are you intoxicated?" "I deny 'mphatically horr'ble accusa tion." - ' - "Then it is the finest Imitation I have ever beheld." True Resignation. The Spinster (an invalid) Is it really true that marriages are made in heav en? . The Parson Yes. I believe so. The Spinster (resignedly) Oh, then I'll tell the doctor he needn't call again. Chicago News. First Bystander Who's the swell? , Second Bystander Oh, that's Old Man Cauliflower, real potatoes. St. Paul Pioneer Press - A Testimonial. -'Dear Doctor: When I began using your hair medicine three months ago you assured me that my h'air would not trouble me much longer. 1 take pleasure in stating that you spoke the truth. Could you give me the address of a good wig maker?" Baltimore American. . ,;- ' . . ;' j , 1 . Took Her at Her Word. ' ' Mrs. ' Smith Don't you hear me ask for a dollar? ' ' )f : - i ";i ; Mr. SmithI do. - , ; .;. ,: -: Mrs. Smith Then why do you only give me 50 cents? --. Mr. Smith Because you told me yes terday to believe only half that I hear. Judge. ; ..- 1 ' , - A Great Artist. '. ':' Miss Shoddie Why, maw, just come to this side of the room and lookrat that portrait of paw that Dauber painted.: Mrs." ShoddleI see the face looks sort o'. greasy. That shows what a great artist Mr. Dauber is. Your paw sot for that picture in August. New York Weekly Sun-Times. In America.' 'Are there, Indeed, so many eligible young women in America?" asked the count. - ' : '- -' - ' " "There are countless thousands!"" re plied the other. 1 . ' No Ijefcal Redress. "More than half the pickpockets are women.". ' . " - , ' ; Oh, come now; that pretty severe t '-. -' . - "But it's true. The only reason they escape arrest Is because they don't Dick anybody's pockets but the'r husband's." -Philadelphia Bulletin. -- Gems. " Clerk This cook Is described as a Jewel, although a bit set In her way. -Housekeeper Have yon- no er loose jewels? " - - - A Real Benefactor. - "My dear doctor, I cannot thank, yon enough for performing that operation on my uncle.", "I did the best I could." "I know it, I know it By his death two whole families are now living in comparative ease." Judge The Crowded Front Sow. . Scribbs You used to have some lit erary ambition. . . - , Stubs Yes, years ago; but fame is so commop now that I wouldn't have it . More Space Required. ' Mr. Gooph When I die, I don't want anything but the truth about me carv ed on my tombstone. '"' " Mrs. Gooph I am afraid we will have to put up a stone wall,-then. In stead of a monument Baltimore American. - ' . Hie Comment, y Mrs. Gaswell The Czar of Russia now has four daughters. Mr. Gaswell Oh, the dear little Czar dlnesl Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. . Heaeaty Pare, Jim Honesty Is ther best policy arter all. - Bill How? V "Remember the dog I stole?" A "Yep." "Well, I tried two hull days to sell 'Im, an' no one offered more'n a dollar. So I went like a honest man. an gur him to th' ole lady what .owned 'im. an' she guv me $5.' New York Week ly. , ; Medical Assistance. Specialist Your nerves are affected; you need exercise; walk to business ev ery day. Sick Man I do walk to business ev ery day. Specialist Too do? Well, you ought to have more sense that's what alls you-HTerstraln. Now, behave yourself rationally and ride ; every - day 10, please. Chicago Record-Herald. ; favlnai Money.- ' Mr. Hardhead I saved a big pile of money to-day. . Mrs. H. That Is lovely! How? Mr. H. Instead of suing a man for what he owed me I let him, have it New York Weekly. A Natural Death. District " Visitor But, Mrs. Brown, haven't you had a -doctor? , j. . . Mrs. Brown No, ma'am; my 'usband 'e don't 'old with no doctors.. E says, says 'e, as I'd better die a natural death. Moonshine. - ' The Beam and the Mote. . , Mrs. Dorcas There can be no ex cuse for a man who goes fishing on Sunday. - ... , , Miss Cleek Not In these days, at any rate, when there are so many opportu nities to play golf .Puck. , . . Beyond Recall. "We never, remember, the faces of those we love most desrly." "That's so. To save me I can't tell what a hundred-dollar bill looks like." He raised an acre of Jnst the Same. Bobby Mamma, If God Is as good as you say He Js why doesn't He always answer our prayers? "He does, Bobby, when they deserve to be answered." . .i "Well, I prayed that I - might not steal lany more Jam out of the mitlers pantry, but it didn't make- anydiffer ence." Life. . ;'..,-.- -. j a.4f No Appearances to Keep Up. "Didn't you ro away at all. Mrs. Dash?" - -si "No; Mr. Dash said he was so well fixed now .that we could affordUo stav at home if. we wanted to so wVdid." "' Not for Him. "' ' General Stop that reporter.ij ' . Aid What!. .Don't you. want-jto have him send home an account of your heroism?,- ', -, . ' "No. , I don't want to be' an Ameri can hero for a week and a' punching bag, forthe rest of my life," Life. -v -.Sentimental.''" The capitalist colored when -we spoke of the check that hung In a-lfeat frame over his desk.-- ' 'T . 5 "A bit of sentimentaUsni I!'.-. said he. "The first billion: I evernader After the Honeymoon He 1 Can't let you have-'ybur own way in everything:''' I must draw the line somewhere. ; v.; She-Very -well. . I'll let, you know wheVe you'd better drawjltTpuck. ' Proper Place for-Ife4 ' Customer See here.'waltert;-. I found a button in this salad. a ' 1 Waiter Yes, sir; . that' part of the dressing. Philadelphia ' Record. -. Roundabout Good- .uck. Fate surely must be something of a wag Some favors that she sends u eome'ilg. -:. . sag. .. .i,i,,y:.: ? ' Alarming Forgetfalnesa. Bridget (10 p. in., to sick sister) No ran, darllnt, Patsy lint me his alar-rum against gittln' up early In tn' marnin. but I do be thot dead wld slape whin Ol wake up Oi'd not be hearin' wan wurd it ud shpake. Cud Ol sit .lt yer soldo av th' bed, an' will yez warn me when it rattles in th marnin'? . Norah Shure, an' I. will, 'i v ; ; Norah (5 a. m. Biddy! , Biddy, dar llnt! Biddy! Shure, th' rattlla's done this long since. .? Bridget (five minutes later, slinging the clock Into a closet and slamming the door) Git In there, ybjjaingln' hay thin, an' thot too. good for; yez! - -- Norah Phwat did yes do thot fer? ; Bridget Phwat fer? Well, thin, Oi'm Jlst remimberin' thot th' bould-faced dago woke yez np, too. Leslie's Week. iy. - ;' '. . ., V ' . . " " t- 1 The Marriage Question.' Mrs. Benham Not one woman In a' thousand marries the manr she wants. Benham She doesn't .want to marry the man she wants; she wants to mar ry the man some other woman wants. London Tlt-Bita. . ; " ' i