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About Corvallis gazette. (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 4, 1901)
"(if) MODEL OF SANTOS-DUMONT'S AIR SHIP
The air ship which M. de Santos-Dumont successfully tried In Paris is the outgrowth of several years of work and ,
experiment on the part of the Inventor. This machine was only recently completed. .. Work on its construction was kept
profoundly secret until it was ready to sail. The Illustration shown herewith is reproduced from a photograph of the ship
finished by the inventor last year. It Is very much the same In size and construction as that used by Santos-Damont" t
This apparatus is suspended from a huge cigar-shaped balloon not shown in the picture. The motor Is gasoline en
gine, which drives the shaft of the screw. The aeronaut sits in the saddle and starts the motor by means of a pedal
and chain gear, as in the case of a motorcycle. The gasoline is contained In the upper cylinder and in the lower and larger -cylinder
Is a reservoir of water which is used as ballast. The capacity of the balloon which floats this apparatus is ll,7i)
cubic feet, and the motor gives sixteen horse power. The Inventor has been working upon his Idea for many years. He
Is a practiced aeronaut and lias had a long experience as a. balloonist. ' ' i i .
The bells of hope to him rang clear,
The pride of youth reigned in his heart.
He scoffed at failure, dread, and fear. .
Valiant was he to serve his art.
"My pen shall speak to all mankind;
The world shall know my fame," he
He wrote. The world to him was blind,
His message, from its birth, lay dead.
Mature, he labored on In faith,
While kindness took the place of pride;
His dream of fame became a wraith
That mocked him In the eventide.
"My pen shall speak but to the few
The few that value worth," he said.
He wrote. The little world he knew
Spoke fair, but left his words unread.
When years had stolen faith and hope,
When fame Seemed worthless in his
The aged man, a misanthrope,
Forsook his quest of honor's prize.
"My pen shall speak to one alone
I'll write but for myself," he said.
He wrote. And from his heart the stone
Of failure vanished as he read.
And then a miracle was done.
- The thing he wrought fof-gecret store
Went to the world, and one by one
Elusive honors sought his door.
"I wrote the tale my heart found true,
Unmindful of the wprld," he said.
And as he passed from mortal view
Fame placed her wreath npon his head.
IM, I want you to meet Elsie
Everton," was the way Mrs.
"Matchmaking," grunted Jim, "will
be the death of you yet, Sallie." v
"I could not die In a better cause.
Have you ever seen her?"
"Once. She was driving with Ho
bart." "Oh, then you know all about it."
"I know Hoba'rt," dryly.
Mrs. Tom nodded.
"But," she deprecatingly reminded
him, "he is fascinating; quite the man
to attract a young creature unaccus
tomed to his type. She was Just from
"I thought that all the girls' schools
now were colleges."
"No matter; they don't teach how to
read Bert Hobart"
"So Miss Everton took private les
"They were engaged," Mrs. Tom an
nounced briefly, "and he Jilted her."
"It is a way he has. You want me,
I suppose, for a sort of" sootblng
syrup?" "Oh, she doesn't need soothing-syrup,
or tonic either; not she. Of course,"
musingly, "she is In a proper wrath
against herself. A girl so sets her
heart, you see, upon crowning a real
king. It is the very prettiest among
her castles, In Spain; and there's noth
ing like the humiliation of . having
throned the wrong man. But what Is
the use" leaning back resignedly I
among the cushions of her divan "of
talking to a man about that?" ,j
"Do you suppose a man never wants
k kick himself?" asked Jim. ;
"He wants to kick the other party
first." . ,
"Am I to Infer that a woman does
"You may be sure of it Her indigna
tion against herself swallows every
thing else. The foe in such cases is be
neath attention. But," with a vexed
little grimace, "that complacent smile
"of Hobart's is certainly exasperating.
It would do me good to have htm thor
oughly learn that Elsie Everton has his
little soul's measure and wouldn't mar
ry him to save his life."
"Oh, she wouldn't, "eh?"
"Not" energetically, "to save . her
own life." v
Jim quoted '.
" 'The case of Betty Baxter. : ;
W.Vo rejected a man before he axed her,'
and skeptically smiled.
"As I said," retorted Mrs. Tom, bris
tling, "the matter is much too deep for'
a man's understanding."
"Then why," Jim laughed good na-
tnredly, "are you prodding me with It?"
"Because," suddenly gracious, "you
are a valuable ally. Elsie Is coming to
visit me and '
Jim flung back his head to break in
with a jolly laugh.
"And Hobart Is to witness my devo
tion and grow madly Jealous. Oh, Sal
lie, Sallie!" - .;
"You know very . well, said Sallie,
beaming on him, "that your attentions
make any girl the fashion." Hobart and
a dozen others will follow your lead,
want Elsie to have a good time." '
, "Scalping a lot of poor fellows that
never did her any barm; that's a girl's
Idea of a pleasant time."
. "You'll help, dear?"
"Oh,. I'll be polite to your guest of
course." ' "
"Of course;" gleefully, ;" we'll soon
have him subdued.
AINU A FOKTKAH
"Well," slowly, "it's really wonderful
how much a woman will forgive." ...
Jim chuckled. "
"I am glad," was Mrs. Tom's next
remark, "that the trellis at Hobart's Is
being cleared away; It obstructed the
view." ' - ; ' .
Jim stood up.
"Shall I go over," he inquired, "and
discover how far--"
"I know,'' she Interrupted. "He can
see every man that comes up the steps,
all the flowers that come, every drive
she takes and I'll see to ber clothes,
they make such a difference."
" "Poor man," Jim said, with a comi
cal grimace. "I'll go and have a smoke
with him." - i ;-T ; v-,
"If he should ask you," Sallie called
after him along the hall, "about a re
port that she flirted with him, say you
"I say, Sallie," Jim remonstrated
over his shoulder, "bar fibs."
"There really is such a report," Mrs.
Tom assured him.. "I started it my
self." -;" '
"Good Lord deliver us," said Jim.
"It will get him in a proper state of
mind." .. -.. . -.'. :
"I dare say."
"Do you really mean to marry her to
Hobart?" asked Tom, who had been an
amused witness of this little chat be
tween his wife and her brother. She
waited to hear the front door shut, then
smiled and touched a finger to her lips.
"To Jim," she whispered, and passed
the finger from her lips to his. V
"I see," genially, "and I'll Join " the
"Oh, will you?" rather startled.
"How?" ... . .
"I'll be one of the rivals. A mar
ried man can get very much in the
way when be wants to." "
"But, Tom, it really isn't necessary.
With Jim In the lead, there'll be rivals
enough."' , ,
"The more the merrier," gaily. "I'll
- "It's ever so good of you," said Mrs.
Tom, and hummed a little tune In the
pause that followed. .'.;
About two weeks later Jim was hur
rying along the sidewalk one day when
Mrs. Tom's trap drew up alongside.
: "I was going to you," he said,, as he
stepped in, "with news."
"News?" -?' .:. 3 '- -I
"Yes. . Hobart Is meeting your expec
tations." We happened In at the florlst's-l
together, and he grinned so offensively
that I Judge you may feel quite sure of
- 'You were both ordering flowers for
"You don't suppose that I am going
to back down for a cad like Hobart, do
"But you look and talk as If he were
"Well." sullenly, "I'll not take his
grin for it." - --
Mrs. Tom faltered a bit over her next
"Is is any one else in the running, do
you think?" " -
''No; unless You're not quarreling
with Tom about anything, are you?"
He's in the plot," with a faint
. "Acts his part," drily, "pretty well."
: "He does everything well," said Mrs.
Tom, but she was pale. r;
THE "LOOP THE
THE LOOP IN THE CENTRIFUGAL RAILWAY.
The "flip-flap," or "loop-the-loop," is
for whom' the old scenic railway with
It applies a scientific principle to the conveyance of a carload of human beings
around the inside of a track describing
fall out. To describe it more familiarly, the people in the car are in the posi
tion of the water in a pitcher which is whirled rapidly above, Its mouth downward
part of the time, ; Why doesn't the water pour out? is the natural question.
Well, it doesn't have time.- Not exactly.. In fact the force driving the water
ahead is so much greater than" the force of gravity" drawing it, down that it
cannot fall. The people in the loop the-loop rush down a grade at such speed
that they cannot fall even when they
momentum they have gained sends
in the car and holds them there. until
' The sensation in the flip-flap is not
hand had been placed on his head and
ing along at a great rate, the car is suddenly caught in an upward circle, runs
np, back and down, before the people
It's very scientific, but not very p'eawint either to see, indulge in or thick of.
Mr. Wu, the Chinese minister at Washington, tried it once. He said once was
enough. At Con"y Island it. tans been suppressed by the police.- ---
Oh Tflhi lISVtimOK. r
"He pays a good price for orchids,
tOO." :C. .5 ,
''He was at the florist's with you?" "
"He was. .And his grin," sulkily,
"was very like Hobart's; and he went
off humming that idiotic Jingle
" 'The lion and the univorn
Fighting for a crown; .
Up jumps a little dog
And knocks them both down.' " t '
"Tom is so bright," said Mrs. Tom.
To which Jim grunted, and the drive
was finished In silence. : '.-.-.'
That night Miss Everton went to her
hostess for a bit of confidence; she was
prettily flushed and shy. . , r
"You persuaded me," she began, "to
let Mr. Hobart speak, so I did." -
"Yes?" Mrs. Tom answered coldly.
"But, oh, Sallie, I do feel small about
it. Don't you think,' dear, that a dif
ferent sort of man, a man who thinks
of me at my best, would hate to know
I did It?" : ' - - ; t 7 .. ;.
"A different sort of man?"; - . - :
"Oh, very- different," - demurely;
"you," with a shy, bright glance, "think
so, too." - ,
Righteous, astonished wrath gathered
in Mrs. Tom's eyes; but a knock in
terrrupted. With the opening of the
door came a rainbow gleam of orchids.
"Oh, glorious!" cried Miss Everton.
There was a basketful of the care,
spidery beauties. The servant waited.
looking to his mistress, who was pale
and silent . : r
- "For Miss Everton?" she-said at last
"For you, madam." V,
She went hurriedly past him and
down to the smoking room. Jim and
Tom were there. Flushed and a little
out of breath, she ran to Tom. ; -"Don't
get up," settling an arm com'
fortably over his shoulder and looking
across to her brother. "I only want to
tell Jinr that Bert Hobart has been re
"You're Bure?" cried Jim.
, "And I wish," with a peremptory
nod, "that you would go up and ask
Elsie if she'd like a a glass of wine, or
Tom began ' to laugh, - but met his
wife's eyes with tears in them, and
stared instead -
"I'm so glad," struggling with a hap
py sob, 'about Jim and Elsie." .
"Nonsense; you mustn't fib to me,
Sallie. What's the matter?" -
The only answer -was a long breath
of content Later, however, there came.
a retort question.-: .. .-: , 7
"What" did you mean by that "little
.This had to be somewhat elaborated.
and then Tom finished his interrupted
laugh." -, -
"Why, I was helping the plot," he
said. - -
"Oh, yes. And I am ever so much
obliged to you," with another sigh of
peace; "ever so much; but next time,
dear, you needn't bother." Town and
.Country. ,. . : , , .
Why should the millionaire boast be
cause be started in life a barefoot boy?
Half the people In the country did that
and the other half started in as bare
foot girls. Somerville Journal. . ..
- Some dogs can be taught to stand on
two' legs and beg just like a man.
the latest sensation, designed for thos
iti sudden curves was not swift enough.
a " perpendicular circle and they don't
are upside down in the loop, because the.
them' onward, presses them into their seats
the car is once more bottom side down
pleasant. The traveler feels as if a giant
was squeezing him down in the seat Rush
seated in it lose their , forward impel ns,
LAZIEST MAN 18 DEAD.
PASSED HIS ENTIRE LIFE IN AN
Never Worked from Hla Birth to His
Death, Invented a Valuable Device
to Save Hla Own Labor and Finally
Sought an Kasy Demise.
."- ' : . - ;' ' .' i ;' '
The laziest man In New England is
Joseph A. Bingham was 50 years old
and never In the memory of any ac
quaintance had be done a stroke of
work. ; He was born, reared, lived and
died in Andover, Conn.' Bingham was
so lazy, says the Boston Post that the
sight of a woodpile; saw-horse and saw
made his head ache. The sight of men
t work caused him to have fits. He
usually took them under the shade of a
big elm in -front of the town tavern.
He never washed his face, combed his
hair, wore a collar nor laced bis shoes.
All these little minor, things required
some degree of animation, and Bing
ham abdorred animation. ' "
Born of well-to-do' parents, he was
supported by . their wealth as long as
they lived, then a legacy was left him
in trust, which the selectmen doled out
to him. tie boarded at Andover Inn for
years, until his money was gone, then
the scene shifted to a little house pro
vided by the selectmen.: Hera It was
charged that he. was too lazy to cut the
wood given him, too lazy to draw water
from the near-by well, too lazy to tie up
his shoes. It was too much work to
put on a collar, and as for cooking a
meal with material all given him
well, he would starve rather than do it
Several years ago, when he became a
town charge, an effort was made to
get work out of him,' but it proved a
flat failure. He was let out to a far
mer to assist in threshing grain. Bing
ham was given the position of taking
away the shucked straw after It lias
passed through the whirling thresher.
He watched the machine work for a
few minutes end then, with a hammer
and nails and two or three pieces of
board, rigged up a device which, when
attached to a crank on the feeder, serv-
ed to carry the discharged straw away
to the . dump. This single effort pros
trated Bingham " and be took" a nap
forthwith. '' - 1 "
Some one recognized the value of the
new device, and the Idea was patented
In Bingham's name as a joke. A short
time later an agent for a threshing ma
chine company came to Andover and
woke Bingham up. The agent found
him under his favorite tree asleep, as
usual. The agent talked; Bingham look
ed disturbed.; The agent wanted the
use of the patent; Bingham wanted to
be left alone. Finally the exasperated
agent, getting no replies from the lazy
man, raised his bids' by degrees from
$50 to $500. Bingham turned over and
settled himself to take a well-earned
rest. : Then the agent gave him a paper
to sign, but Bingham was Bleeping the
sleep of the weary. : The agent gave
up and left town. Bingham slept on.
His sleep was never disturbed by the
thought of the fortune that knocked
at his door. . . .. . -
For the first time in 25 years he look
ed into a mirror. What he saw there
was his own reflection. He walked out
and deliberately began a nap in front
of an approaching train. . It ended his
life easily. No exertion on his part was
needed, as there would have been if he
had used a pistol, rope or poison.1-
NEW SEEDLESS WATERMELONS.
Fecret o ' Kaieinic 'i hem Said to Have
..- Keen Discovered in Colorado,
Former State Senator Swink ha been
working on the seedless melon proposi
tion many years. During the long win
ter nights he sat up and wrestled with
the great problem, "How , can It be
done?" ,. Often daylight found him ex
amining minutely and microscopically
the seeds he had cut and hacked and
desiccated, in his efforts to -determine
how-to get along without them. '.And
early one morning about five months
ago, so It is related,. Mr. Swink came
bounding into breakfast after one of his
all-night sessions and startled bis wife
and children by shouting in a perfect
spasm of glee: ' "I've got it! I can
Then, it is said, he rushed away with
out explaining toi his astonished family
what on earth he meant
But Mrs. Swink is reputed to have
said: "Never mind; father knows.
And as "father stands quite well In
the estimation of his family, the mere
knowledge that he knew was quite suf
ficient for all.' Swink selected certain
kinds of seeds, planted them at certain
unusual distances apart and began to
watcb for the first signs of their ger
mination. After spying on the plants as
they grew; it became known tnat he
bad- really put some momentous enter
prise on foot. -' J ; y " ?. ;
Later Mr. Swink brought and laid be
fore his family and friends, a huge,
long green melon, and, dividing It clear
ly at one stroke pf his big knife, dis
played to them the pink interior of a
splendid emerald sphere without a sin
gle seed. This was but the small bei
ginning of a great end." Of course, Mr.
Swink will not reveal the secret process
by which he cut off a melon's hope of
posterity and at the same time renders
its fleeting presence here most benefi
cent and beloved.-i-Denver -Post.
HE JOINED THE SHOW. t
But Twenty four Honra' ..Work With
. - oat bleep Wu Too Much.
"I haven't been to a circus for forty
years," declared the well-known busi
ness man with a chuckle, according to
the Detroit Free Press. "The fact Is
that I always feel like leaving town
whenever I hear that one is coming,
for fear that I might meet "the man to
whom I hired out as a circus hand in
the days when 1 was young. . :
"I suppose there is a period in
every boy's life when his only ambition
is to belong to a circus. ' I know there
was in mine, and I bad it satisfied in
the shortest time on record. A small
show had pitched Its tents on the vil
lage green in the little town where
lived, and I desired to adopt the pro
fession right then and there. I applied
to 'the- boss for a job and was accepted
on the spot as a razorback. What ie
razorback? ; Well, he is a member of
the loading gang. You unload in the
morning and raise ber back at sJght I
was simply appalled by the amount of
work that came my way, followed by
such profanity that I never hope to
hear again. I was kept on the Jump
till midnight when we bad the outfit
all loaded up, and I breathed "a sigb of
relief, which quickly gave way to one
of despair when the boss told me to
drive the wagofl that had the tents
loaded on it ; In those days the only
means of traveling was by wagon.
" 'Say, mister,' said I, timidly, 'when
do we sleep? -' -. ' --. ,
'Sleep? he roared; 'we don't sleep
here'.' - .. - ; ....
"I felt that was a fact as I knew we
had an all-nighf s ride ahead of us,
with the weary work of unloading as
soon as we did arrive. But as far as
was concerned, tired nature gave out
and I was sound asleep before we had
gone a mile. I awoke just as day was
breaking and found myself on a lonely
country road and without the slightest
idea where I was. From a country
boy .who chanced , to come along E
learned that the town I was supposed
to be headed for' was 'thirty miles
away, and that I was getting farther
away from it every minute. When I
realized my position my teeth com
menced to chatter. . But suddenly a
brilliant idea occurred to me.
'Say,' said I to the boy, 'do ' you
want a pass to the show?
?''You bet' said he.. .'
".'Well,' said I, 'drive this wagon to
the town where the show is and I will
see that you get In. One of our ele
phants has escaped and I have got to
capture him.' r , -. , .- . -; .4 -
Then I made for home. I never
heard what they did to that country
boy when he arrived. I hope they
didn't kill him." :
The period of five seconds between a
flash of lightning and thunder means
that the flash was-"a mile distant from
the observer. Thunder has never been
heard over 14 miles from the flash,
though artillery has been beard at 120
It Is said to be only a question of
time before the Bermuda Islands will
sink under the ocean. The geological
theory is that the islands are merely the
remnant of one large island. The sub
sidence within a comparatively recent
period has been, from 80 to 100 feet
The earth revolves on its axis once
in 24 hours. Millions of years' ago the
day was 22 hours; millions of years be
fore, it was 21 hours. . As we look back
ward into time we find the earth re
volving faster and faster. There was a
time, ages ago, long before geology be
gins, when the earth was rotating In a
day of five or six hours In length. In
the remotest past the earth revolved
in a day of about five hours. It could
revolve no faster than this and remain
a single unbroken .mass. - : -
The Russian people are fond of tea,
and efforts are being made to develop
important tea plantations in the Cau
casus. Nearly balf a century ago it was
found that the tea-plant - could be
grown in gardens on the shores of the
Black Sea, but at first it was culti
vated only as a curiosity or for orna
ment Since 1890 plantations of con
siderable extent have been formed, and
while the cultivators have not succeed
ed in Imitating the fine flavor of Chi
nese, Ceylonese or Indian teas, yet the
demand among the peasants for tea of
some kind is so great that even the
Caucasian variety finds a market ' The
Russian government Is trying to en
courage the cultivation. ' : . :i
The city of Paris is being rapidly sup
plied with a system of public clocks
worked by .compressed air under elec
trical controL The entire' area of the
city Is divided Into sections" about a
mile and three-quarters in radius, and
in the center of each section is a sub
station provided with, a reservoir of
compressed air, from which air-pipes
extend to all the clocks included In the
section. By means of electro-magnets,
energized every minute with currents
from a commutator, controlled by a
master-clock at the central station, the
air-pipes are intermittently connected
with the reservoirs, "and thus the com
pressed air, once every minute, drives.
forward the hands of the clocks. '
; It is generally known that some spe
cies ef birds are able to imitate the
songs of other birds, but a more sur
prising fact is related, by a French nat
uralist, Monsieur Coupin,- concerning a
sparrow which learned the shrill chant
of grasshoppers. 'The insects happen
ed to' be. confined . In a cage hung be
side the sparrow's cage," but It was
not until a year afterward, when again
the bird- and the grasshoppers were
neighbors, that the sparrow was heard
imitating the notes of the Insects. All
the rest ef its life, and long after the
grasshoppers from whom it -had taken
Its lessons were dead, the sparrow con
tinued to intermingle with Its own songs
the peculiar music of Its lost friends.
. ''Plus'!. Man Ever In Demand. !'
The "plus" man is one who Is more
than appears on the surface, bigger
than he looks, stronger than he seems,
abler than he shows In ordinary affairs,
better than the world Judges him, con
stan tly. rising to great occasions and ac
complishing more than is expected of
him, writes Victor Smith in the New
York Press. ' There are many such men
to whom great occasions never come.
There are a few whose "plusness" has
a chance to illuminate the earthy every
day. . . . ..
Perhaps the finest type of "plus" man
was President Lincoln. Grant too, was
plus. It might be confessed that plus.
in the sense used, is nearly synony
mous with successful. In commercial
life Mr. Morgan Is heavily plus. ' In
railroading William K. Vanderbult and
Edward H. Harriman have loomed up
rather suddenly as plus. Commodore
Vanderbilt and Jay Gould were plus,
Croker Is plus.: Odell Is plus. ., ;;v., '
i In the contracting line John B. Mc
Donald is heavily plus. It is not every
man of affairs who can take hold of a
J35,000,000 job and carry It along sue!
cessfully without losing a pound of
flesh from worry. Plus men seldom
worry. They have great nerve but no
.nerves. ;v i,
flUMOB OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS,
Odd, Cnriona and Langhable Phasea
of Human Nature Graphically Por
trayed by Eminent Word Artlata of
Oar Own Day-A Budget of Van,
"Young man," said the stern parent
"do you think yon will be able to sup
port my daughter in the style to which
she has been accustomed?" .
Now this young man thought for a
moment, and then replied:
"Well er I think so, with one excep
"Aba! And what may the exception
be, sir?" -
"I don't think I could be so Infernal
ly stingy, with the gas." Denver
A Fine Imitation.
-" "James Henry, are you intoxicated?"
"I deny 'mphatically horr'ble accusa
tion." - '
- "Then it is the finest Imitation I have
The Spinster (an invalid) Is it really
true that marriages are made in heav
The Parson Yes. I believe so.
The Spinster (resignedly) Oh, then
I'll tell the doctor he needn't call again.
First Bystander Who's the swell? ,
Second Bystander Oh, that's Old Man Cauliflower,
real potatoes. St. Paul Pioneer Press
- A Testimonial. -'Dear
Doctor: When I began using
your hair medicine three months ago
you assured me that my h'air would
not trouble me much longer. 1 take
pleasure in stating that you spoke the
truth. Could you give me the address
of a good wig maker?" Baltimore
American. . ,;- ' . . ;' j , 1
. Took Her at Her Word. '
' Mrs. ' Smith Don't you hear me ask
for a dollar? ' ' )f : - i ";i ;
Mr. SmithI do. - , ; .;. ,: -:
Mrs. Smith Then why do you only
give me 50 cents? --.
Mr. Smith Because you told me yes
terday to believe only half that I hear.
Judge. ; ..- 1 ' ,
- A Great Artist. '. ':'
Miss Shoddie Why, maw, just come
to this side of the room and lookrat that
portrait of paw that Dauber painted.:
Mrs." ShoddleI see the face looks
sort o'. greasy. That shows what a
great artist Mr. Dauber is. Your paw
sot for that picture in August. New
York Weekly Sun-Times.
'Are there, Indeed, so many eligible
young women in America?" asked the
count. - ' : '- -' - ' "
"There are countless thousands!"" re
plied the other. 1 . '
No Ijefcal Redress.
"More than half the pickpockets are
women.". ' . " - , '
; Oh, come now; that pretty severe
t '-. -' .
- "But it's true. The only reason they
escape arrest Is because they don't Dick
anybody's pockets but the'r husband's."
-- Gems. "
Clerk This cook Is described as a
Jewel, although a bit set In her way.
-Housekeeper Have yon- no er
loose jewels? " - - -
A Real Benefactor.
- "My dear doctor, I cannot thank, yon
enough for performing that operation
on my uncle.",
"I did the best I could."
"I know it, I know it By his death
two whole families are now living in
comparative ease." Judge
The Crowded Front Sow.
. Scribbs You used to have some lit
erary ambition. . . - ,
Stubs Yes, years ago; but fame is
so commop now that I wouldn't have
. More Space Required.
' Mr. Gooph When I die, I don't want
anything but the truth about me carv
ed on my tombstone. '"' "
Mrs. Gooph I am afraid we will
have to put up a stone wall,-then. In
stead of a monument Baltimore
American. - '
. Hie Comment, y
Mrs. Gaswell The Czar of Russia
now has four daughters.
Mr. Gaswell Oh, the dear little Czar
dlnesl Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph.
. Heaeaty Pare,
Jim Honesty Is ther best policy arter
V "Remember the dog I stole?"
"Well, I tried two hull days to sell
'Im, an' no one offered more'n a dollar.
So I went like a honest man. an gur
him to th' ole lady what .owned 'im.
an' she guv me $5.' New York Week
ly. , ;
Specialist Your nerves are affected;
you need exercise; walk to business ev
Sick Man I do walk to business ev
Specialist Too do? Well, you ought
to have more sense that's what alls
you-HTerstraln. Now, behave yourself
rationally and ride ; every - day 10,
please. Chicago Record-Herald.
; favlnai Money.- '
Mr. Hardhead I saved a big pile of
money to-day. .
Mrs. H. That Is lovely! How?
Mr. H. Instead of suing a man for
what he owed me I let him, have it
New York Weekly.
A Natural Death.
District " Visitor But, Mrs. Brown,
haven't you had a -doctor? , j. .
. Mrs. Brown No, ma'am; my 'usband
'e don't 'old with no doctors.. E says,
says 'e, as I'd better die a natural
death. Moonshine. - '
The Beam and the Mote. .
, Mrs. Dorcas There can be no ex
cuse for a man who goes fishing on
Sunday. - ... ,
, Miss Cleek Not In these days, at any
rate, when there are so many opportu
nities to play golf .Puck. , .
. Beyond Recall.
"We never, remember, the faces
those we love most desrly."
"That's so. To save me I can't tell
what a hundred-dollar bill looks like."
He raised an acre of
Jnst the Same.
Bobby Mamma, If God Is as good as
you say He Js why doesn't He always
answer our prayers?
"He does, Bobby, when they deserve
to be answered." . .i
"Well, I prayed that I - might not
steal lany more Jam out of the mitlers
pantry, but it didn't make- anydiffer
ence." Life. . ;'..,-.- -. j a.4f
No Appearances to Keep Up.
"Didn't you ro away at all. Mrs.
Dash?" - -si
"No; Mr. Dash said he was so well
fixed now .that we could affordUo stav
at home if. we wanted to so wVdid."
"' Not for Him. "'
' General Stop that reporter.ij '
. Aid What!. .Don't you. want-jto have
him send home an account of your
heroism?,- ', -, . '
"No. , I don't want to be' an Ameri
can hero for a week and a' punching
bag, forthe rest of my life," Life.
The capitalist colored when -we spoke
of the check that hung In a-lfeat frame
over his desk.-- ' 'T . 5
"A bit of sentimentaUsni I!'.-. said he.
"The first billion: I evernader
After the Honeymoon
He 1 Can't let you have-'ybur own
way in everything:''' I must draw the
line somewhere. ; v.;
She-Very -well. . I'll let, you know
wheVe you'd better drawjltTpuck.
' Proper Place for-Ife4
' Customer See here.'waltert;-. I found
a button in this salad. a '
1 Waiter Yes, sir; . that' part of the
dressing. Philadelphia ' Record.
-. Roundabout Good- .uck.
Fate surely must be something of a wag
Some favors that she sends u eome'ilg.
-:. . sag. .. .i,i,,y:.: ? '
Bridget (10 p. in., to sick sister) No
ran, darllnt, Patsy lint me his alar-rum
against gittln' up early In tn' marnin.
but I do be thot dead wld slape whin Ol
wake up Oi'd not be hearin' wan wurd
it ud shpake. Cud Ol sit .lt yer soldo
av th' bed, an' will yez warn me when
it rattles in th marnin'? .
Norah Shure, an' I. will, 'i v ;
; Norah (5 a. m. Biddy! , Biddy, dar
llnt! Biddy! Shure, th' rattlla's done
this long since. .?
Bridget (five minutes later, slinging
the clock Into a closet and slamming
the door) Git In there, ybjjaingln' hay
thin, an' thot too. good for; yez! - --
Norah Phwat did yes do thot fer?
; Bridget Phwat fer? Well, thin, Oi'm
Jlst remimberin' thot th' bould-faced
dago woke yez np, too. Leslie's Week.
iy. - ;' '. .
., V ' . . " " t-
1 The Marriage Question.'
Mrs. Benham Not one woman In a'
thousand marries the manr she wants.
Benham She doesn't .want to marry
the man she wants; she wants to mar
ry the man some other woman wants.
London Tlt-Bita. . ; " ' i