LAURELED,
Back from the strenuous wars he comes
to me,
He is my son, grown brown, with
strange scarred hands;
The months of blood and death in alien
lands
Are in his face; his boyish will to be
Is four-fold won. I glow and weep to
see.
The trodden meadow blackened with
the bands
Of- bearded, marching men whom he
commands.
With being rearranged he comes to me.
I, small beside him, try to utter prayers;
I, honored for the laurels that he wears!
God knows, God knows I stand with
empty arms.
And lonesome heart no meed of praises
warms.
I crush the laurel branch. Oh, God, I
miss
. The soft-mouthed baby I can never
kiss.
Bookman.
WfH"l"H"Mflfl"H l H'l M'l
WHEN FEAR REIGNED
w UST before the civil war broke
out, I, with my cousin, was In
New York. We had many friends
in the city, but. being both of an Inde
pendent turn of character, we preferred
living by ourselves, so we looked about
for a boarding-house. The one we hit
upon was situated in the best part of
Fourteenth street, and was a fine
brown stone building, with a most pre
tentious portico, and a flight of some
twelve steps up to the entrance door.
Now, to understand what follows. It Is
necessary the reader should kno v the
position of the room we engaged.
As you entered the hall, the reception
parlor, as it was called, lay on your
right hand, and was a very fine room;
at the end of it were two doors which
Blid back and led into the room which
we were to occupy. These said doors
were ground glass half way down, with
flowers on it, but so thick as to exclude
any view of what was passing in the
other room, unless you pressed your
face against the glass, and then it
would be but an imperfect vision. Our
apartment was large, and had three
windows, two only half-way down, but
the third, a French one, opening on to
the wooden balcony that ran along the
back of the house, with a flight of steps
down to a piece of ground. Our room
had also another entrance, a door lead
ing into a little lobby, very convenient
for putting our trunks, dresses, etc., in;
this bad again another door into the
ball.
The dining-room was situated in the
basement, on a level with the kitchens,
as were also the servants' bedrooms.
three In number. The house was sev
eral stories high, and either by chance.
or because tbe purses of the other
boarders were, like our own, not too
heavy, two or three floors above us
were at present unoccupied, and the
other boarders slept on the top of the
house. Thus we were cut off from
the rest of the community by a lot
of empty rooms; this did not trouble
us, and all went on well for some
weeks, but in the middle of November,
when the season was at its dreariest,
our landlady, who had not the best of
tempers, fell out with her servants,
and they one and all left her at a day's
notice. Now, as everybody knows, do
mestics in New York are rather diffi
cult to obtain, so the reader can Im
agine the dismay of the mistress of the
house. For two days we managed in
. some way or other; but the boarders
grumbled, and the merchant said he
must leave unless he got his meals
properly; so, driven to her wits' end,
Mrs. Andrews engaged three servants
who applied for her place. '
They had only just landed, they said,
to account for their having no charac
ters, and, with the fear of losing her
boarders, it would not do to be too par
ticular, and the women, who, by the
way, were all friends, entered on their
duties. My cousin and myself pos
sessed several articles of fine jewelry;
these things I saw the new housemaid,
the day after her arrival, when tidying
up our room, examining very minutely.
I did not think much of it at the time,
putting it down to curiosity. This
girl's name was Margaret, and I must
say a more unprepossessing-looking
person I have seldom seen; not that
she was ugly, but there was a cun
ning light In her gray eyes, which she
never raised to give yon a fair,, honest
look, and an evil expression in her face
that would have gone against her In
any court of justice; but It was nothing
to me, and, beyond remarking to my
cousin Bertha that the girl was not
pleasant-looking, I dismissed her from
my mind.
The third day after the advent of the
new domestics we went to spend the
day with some friends who lived at
Brooklyn; there the conversation turn
ed on the number of burglaries, nearly
always attended with murder, that had
lately taken place In New York, said
to be committed by a gang of ruffians
who wore light linen masks, and who
had managed to elude justice. ; This
description made a great Impression
on me; the Idea of waking and seeing
a white mask bending over one haunt
' ed me all the way home. We were
too late for anything to eat when we
arrived at our boarding-house, for din
ner, was the last meal, and that was
served at seven, now It-was nearly ten;
so, feeling rather hungry, we got Mar
garet to go out and get us some roils,
made a frugal meal, and then prepared
for bed. ' '
-What induced me I cannot tell, but
for the first time since we had occu
pied this room I examined the fasten
ings of the shutters, and found them
very frail. Much to the amusement of
my cousin, looking round the room for
something to place against the window,
my eyes fell on the fireirons, and
bright thought entered my head;
would place the shovel against the
fastening of one window, and the tongs
at the other, In such a way that,
should anyone open the windows from
the outside, these things would " fall
down with a crash.' To the French
window I placed the head of our sofa
bed, thus effectually barricading that.
Bertha was much amused at my pro
ceedings, but she let me do as 1 pleased
about it, for she saw I was nervous.
"The fact to. Nettle," she said, "the
MARSHALL FIELD'S DAUQHTER AND HER HUSBAND.
Captain David Beatty, of the royal navy, was recently privately married in
London to the only daughter of Marshall Field of Chicago. Captain Beatty
entered the royal navy in 1S88 and served in the Soudan campaign in 1898 with
the naval brigade under Kitchener. He was mentioned in the dispatches and was
decorated with the distinguished service and the Sondan medals.- The Khedive
bestowed npon him the order of Medjidie. He was wounded in China and in
valided home. His promotion has been singularly rapid, but it appears thoroughly
deserved. Being only 32 years old, he is one of the youngest captains in the
British navy. Captain Beatty is a man of small means. He has little if any
thing besides his pay, but if he remains in the .navy it is certain that hi
ability will lead him to attain high rank. He is held in great esteem at the ad
miralty. ."''":
horrible stories we have heard to-day
have alarmed you; but it's all nonsense,
dear, and I have no doubt very much
exaggerated. Having now fortified our
citadel, come to bed." We always left
the gas burning a little all night, so
after attending to that I got into bed,
and fell asleep. I forgot to say the
doors in the reception-room were of
course secured, and also the one out
of the little lobby leading to the halL
but the one from our room Into the
lobby we always left open.
I was awakened by a most terrible
crash, the tongs had fallen down on a
little marble table, on which were the
debris of our evening meal, and the
shutters were open. "Anette," said j
Bertha, "get up, child; they are getting
into the room," and she bounded to
the door into the hall and opened it. As
for me, I was paralyzed with fright,
expecting each moment to see a white
mask entr the room; whether the noise
alarmed them, I know not; however,
they did not do so; and Bertha, whose
courage and self-possession never left
her, turned up the gas to Its full ex
tent, and refastened the shutters. "An
ette," she said, "dress as quickly as you
can," herself setting me the example.
More dead than alive, I did as she de
sired. All was silent for a little time,
perhaps for ten minutes, although to us
It seemed hours, when we heard the
servants' window open, and" a whis
pered conversation carried on In men's
voices. Another danger menaced us;
they were in the house. As I sat watch
ing the door from tbe lobby into the
hall, which Bertha had unlocked, the
Idea flashed across my mind that they
would enter from there. "The door!"
I said. Bertha understood me, and flew
to It and fastened it Not one moment
too soon! for, as she did so, the handle
was turned, and a muttered curse greet
ed her ear. However, they were not to
be baffled so easily, and thinking, no
doubt, they were all safe, began picking
the lock. : J
Of course, our only chance lay in
alarming the house. "Scream, Nettie,
as loud as you can," said Bertha, and
she seized the bellrope, pulling it fran
tically. Fright lent me power, and cer
tainly the horrible yells in which I In
dulged were enough to awaken the
dead. The servants ran up after a
time, but we would not open the door
to them. At last the landlady and the
other boarders were aroused, and
knocked at our door, and we let them
In. When Bertha opened the shutters
there was the window up, the pane
Just above the fastening cut away. We
told what had happened," and our be
lief that there were robbers at that mo
ment In the servants' room. Margaret
and the cook turned as pale as death
at the remark; and when the two gen
tlemen went to search the house, they
stood with their back to their chamber
doors, daring them to enter, and they
did not ... - ,
All the servants were discharged the
next day, and two weeks after the
whole of New York rang with the story
of one of the most horrible murders
that had ever been committed. One
of the victims was not quite dead when.
the crime was discovered, although
she expired a few hours after the fear
ful injuries she had received. But she
lived long enough to be the means of
bringing the dread band to justice. A
widow lady, with her two grown-up
daughters, three younger children and
their governess, resided in one of the
new streets uptown; they were com
fortably off, and the lady, whose name
was Maynard, was In the habit of keep
ing rather a large sum of money In her
desk..' . .
Her house was broken Into by men
FINEST COUNTRY
- ' Mr. and Mrs. Clarence H. Mackay are building the most beautiful country
home Jin America.' Nearly 1,000 artisans are at work npon the place amid the
sunny slopes of the headwaters of Hempstead Bay, near Roslyn, L. I. The
country home of the Mackays will resemble in its general lines the renowned
Chateau Lafitte. Its wails will be pearl gray stone, on one side of which will
be a distant view of the ocean and on the other a view of the sound. ' Not far
away are the Wheatley Hills, in-which nestle the mansions of a acore" of well
known American millionaires. . The cost of this superb palace will be about $5,
000,000. The structure will be of granite, 233 feet long from east to west and
100 feet wide from, north to south. The main entrance consists of three large
doorways and three smaller ones. Tbe house will be furnished very richly, espe
cially in the apartments which will be occupied by Mrs.' Mackay, and the third
story will be fitted gorgeously for the exclusive lodging of visitors. : The grounds
will be in keeping with the dignity of the house itself..: An army a servants
will be hired to maintain it
with white masks,' and the whole of
the family slaughtered ' with the ex
ception of the- governess, who lived
long enough to tell the story. She had
been left for dead by the monsters,
who decamped after their deed of
blood with all the valuable they could
find. And it appeared that two new
servants Mrs. Maynard had engaged
a few days before were In league with
the robbers, and had assisted them in
the commission of their crimes. The
servants were arrested, and, finding it
was all up with them, the youngest
who turned out to be no other than our
Margaret confessed to : having been
engaged In no less than fourteen bur
glaries. The band had several women
in their employ; their part was to get
places, and by that means let the men
into the houses. : Moreover, she ac
knowledged ' that ; their . motto was
Dead men tell no tales;" so they gen
erally added murder to robbery. .- The
whole band was broken up after that;
but we never.forgot the escape we had
had and were most particular after,
while in New York, to have our rooms
upstairs. New York News. .-
Biggest Game Preserve.
The largest game preserve in , the
world is the continent of Africa, or at
least the greater portion of it extend
ing from the twentieth degree of north
latitude down to the northern borders
of Cape Colony and NataL This great
scheme was made possible by a treaty
co-operation '- of England, Germany,
France, Belgium, ; Portugal, Italy and
Spain, by which it is provided that the
hunting and destruction of vultures,
secretary birds, owls, giraffes, gorillas.
chimpanzees, mountain zebras, -wild
asses, white-tailed gnus, elands and the
little Llberian hippopotami . are abso
lutely prohibited. t Similar protection
is given the young of certain animals,
including the elephant rhinoceros, hip
popotamus, antelope, gazelle, Ibex and
chevrotain, and to the adults of these
species when accompanied by their
young, says a writer - in . Field and
Stream. Particular- stress is laid on
the protection of young elephants, and
elepbanttusks weighing less than twen
ty pounds will be confiscated. The eggs
of the ostrich and many other birds are
protected, but those of the crocodile,
python and poisonous snakes are to be
destroyed. Even lions, leopards, hyenas.
harmful monkeys and large birds of
prey may not be slaughtered at the
hunter's will. Hunters are required to
take out licenses, and the number of
animals each may kill is limited. The
use of nets and pitfalls is forbidden,
nor may explosives be used for killing
fish. - -.
The main object of this vast proteo
tive enterprise is economic, to encour
age the domestication of the elephant
zebra and ostrich and to husband the
trade in wild animal products, which
was threatened by the . rapacity of
market hunters ; and so-called sports
men. -
- Bird Seeks Gaudy Jewels. '
A parrot at the Zoo recently annexed
and attempted to swallow 100" worth
of diamonds. The owner's companion
hit the bird so hard that it fell off the
perch and dropped the jewels. - The
keeper expostulated, saying that the
cluster was too large to be swallowed
"T don't care," replied the ... lady, an
American. "I reckon that cluster is
worth $500, while that measly birl 1
dear at 30 cents. ; I'm not taking any
chances, thank you." Many a young
lady has been fond of the diamonds.
but afraid of the bill. London Globe.
"Dog on it" a boy says, when invit
ed to a party, "I hate to be introduced."
HOUSE IN AMERICA.
CHICAGO'S FORTUNE-TELLERS.
They Are Said to Gather la Half a Mill.
ion Dollars Per rear.
At low estimate Chicago spends near
ly half a million dollars every year
upon clairvoyants, fortunetellers, palm
ists, "voodoo doctors," and a long pro
cession of fakers and confidence folk
who prey upon the gullibility of the
general public. This, simply for fees.
To add to this the long train of addi
tional expense to which the victims are
put such as traveling expenses, para
phernalia, Investments that fall to pay,
and kindred ventures, probably $2,500,-
000 ' would npt cover the community
cost ' , : ...
According to the city directory, there
are nearly 100 professional clairvoy
ants In Chicago. At least fifty more
than are listed as such practice the
art." There are 100 fortune-tellers.
perhaps seventy-five palmists, and an
unknown number of kindred folk who
live by their wits on - these general
lines. -."'-, X '------.
; A popular and successful clairvoyant
who can locate gold mines for his fol
lowers, has a gold mine of his own. He
may take in $250 to $300 a week. Others
much less fortunate may be reasonably
content to make both ends meet. In
general, figuring fifty-two weeks to the
year, Chicago's tribute to . these seers
may be figured out about as follows
150 clairvoyants at $20 a week. .$156,000
1UU fortune tellers at S10 a week oZ,uuu
90 palmists at $15 a week. . . . 75,000
Miscellaneous fakirs 150,000
Total ...$433,000
This is almost as much as the general
public gives to charity, and Is only a
fraction of the money that in other
ways is wasted upon these people who
affect to be able to read the future.
That they do not and cannot read the
future may be proved by the caller over
the threshold- before he has stepped in-
side. "''"".:
When the reporter rang the bell of a
West Side house behind whose door
AM OLDISH rAAN -BROWN
HAIR - HAZEL EYE
M VOODOO
according to an advertisement was a
clairvoyant "ordained to do-what she
does and whose marvelous achieve
ments are demonstrated in your pres
ence while you look, listen, and won
der,? the door opened : about four
inches, and the face of a stout commonplace-looking
woman peered out as
If she was suspicious of a "collector or
constable, or perhaps somebody ; who
wanted to kill cockroaches.
."Good-morning," said the caller. "I
didn't know if you were ready, but I've
come over to ask you about It"
"About what?" and the door closed
another inch.
'You know," : insisted the " caller,
"about clalrvoyancy, trances, and that
sort ot thing.". . .
"I don't know anything about It"
said the voice; "who are you, anyhow?"
"What! You don't even know who I
am? Jt thought yon were a clairvoy
ant . ",--
But the door had closed with a sud
den jar and the caller was outside of
It, staring at the porcelain name-plate
on the door. -
Yet, according to this woman's adver
tisement "the greatest mysteries of
life will be revealed," business trou
bles will be unraveled, love affairs will
be straightened out and made smooth,
yonr enemies will' be named and pla
cated, and life generally will be made
merry as a marriage bell. Incidentally,
too, she "locates lost and stolen arti
cles, mines," etc. whatever ''etc." may
mean in the context At the same time,
by actual proof, she does not know a
book agent from a customer until the
caller has explained; and then the book
agent might lie to her successfully.
- Legend of a Sprint;. - -
Swimming about in a large marble-
lined tank in a small church just out
side Constantinople are to be seen
number of fishes, brown on one side
and white on the other. These, it Is
said, are the descendants of the ones
that gave the name "Balukli" (place of
fishes) to the church. The legend is as
follows: At the time of the invasion of
Constantinople by the Turks, a monk
was cooking fish near : a spring of
water, where the little church now
stands, when a messenger rode up in
haste, announcing "The city' Is taken
Discrediting -the story, the monk de
clared that he would sooner believe
that, the half-cooked fish before him
would jump back into the water. As
he spoke, the 'fish, so the story goes,
did actually leap from the pan into the
spring. Ever since that time the wa-
fi mm- m
- ISf!W'Si.'Jf r 7 r' r-i " If I (14 I - I
ters have been regarded as curative,
and once every year pilgrimages aro
made to it by sufferers from various
ailments.
YANKEE LAD IS A FIGHTER.
Bootst a Waif , from America, . in tbe
Field vita the Boers. '
Thomas F. Millard, the war corre
spondent tells the New York Sun the
following story of Boots, a 12-year-old
Yankee, whom he met fighting with
the Boers, and who may be still dodg
ing bullets and lyddite shells. Said Mr.
Millard:
"His real name Is William Young,
but in the laagers he is known by the
sobriquet of Boots. I think he came
by his title honestly enough, for he
drags about a huge pair of legging
boots many sizes too large, and orna
mented with enormous brass spurs.
"Boots Is a midget of 12 or at least
be gives that as his age, though he
doesn't look it by three years.
"Boots was born in the United States.
Wnen very young be remembers being
taken to England? whence he came to
South Africa. His parents are long
since dead, and since their death Will
iam, having no other relations that he
knew of, has rustled for himself. :
. "When this wir began William es
poused the cause of the Boers and join
ed the Irish brigade under Colonel
Blake. The men who formed this ad
venturous corps took a fancy to the
waif and made him. one of them. So
it was that Boots saw all the bloody
battles of the Natal campaign Dun
dee, Newcastle, . Nicholson's Nek, the
Flatrand, and the many fights along
the Tugela. Armed with two water
bottles, the midget would enter a fight
and more than once has a wounded
brigadier, on . finding a cooling drink
plaecd to his parched lips, looked up to
discover Boots. If the fire were too hot
to permit his wounded comrade's being
removed to a place of safety the boy
would remain to attend them until the
battle was over or night fell.'""-
rtlDbLE-A&ED MW1 -STOUT
......... MOT tXACTLV HANDaONt
WOMAN.
'When Captain Hassell organized the
American scouts as a separata com
pany Boots decided to join his country
men.-: Boqts has a horse to ride, but
his ambition is to possess a pony of his
own, and a Mauser carbine, so he can
light like the . other scouts. For the
purchase of a pony be has saved up 2
and 5 shillings, which will buy no horse
in South Africa In war time. So Boots
has to go without a pony until better
times. But he has hopes of capturing
one from the British.
'Meanwhile, since he cannot" fight
like a full-grown man, he makes him
self useful around the laager. As to
the future. Boots scorns to contemplate
it- :::.' . .--" .v
"'What'll I do when the war is over?
he said. 'I dunno. I'll do whateverji
can. . Maybe, if the Boers lose, I'll go
to America.' " -:,;-'--
Tbe Phantom Ship.
While the captain of an . English
steamer was standing on the bridge of
his vessel as it passed down the Eng
lish Channel, a thick fog came on and
he began to sound the .fog-horn. - To
his dismay, after be had sounded the
signal, he heard the-"Boo-o-o" of the
horn repeated directly ahead of him.
He turned the ship's head sharply to
the right to avoid - a collision and
sounded another warning. The. vessel
was -put back on Its former track and
the fog-horn sounded, with the same
result '-;'.-..'.--
I could not make it out,'' said the
captain,, in narrating the story, "and
strange feeling of superstitious awe be
gan to creep over me. .: Just as I was
giving myself one last pull together the
lookout man called: '";: -"
'It's the old coo, sir! : v:
" "And so it was the cow kept in the
forecastle for the use of the ship. Un
doubtedly she took the sound of . the
fog-horn for the cry of a companion in
distress, and gave a sympathetic re
sponse. ' : - '-.'..''- . . . -
-V -"Wise Pirate..; T-';;.";. -"
First Pirate Captain,- that ship
the distance is loaded down with for
eign noblemen on their way to Amer
ica.
' Captain Don't meddle with her.
We'll lay for er coming back; she
have- more money then. New York
Journal '
Every woman says of some dress
maker that she ought to charge her
only half price because she gave her
her start -
flUMOfi OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd. Curiona and JLana-habla Fhaaaa
of Human Nature Graphically Por
trayed bjr Eminent Word Artlata of
Our Owa Day Budget of Fan.
"High, there!" called the valley to the
hilL "What makes you so stuck up?"
Probably the fact that you are at
my foot," replied the hilL
Huh!" rejoined the valley. "That re
minds me of your resemblance to a
Philadelphia maid."
Because why?" queried the hill.
"Because you are mostly foot" re
plied the valley.
Then the hill-side and subsided.
Naturally. '
Joax There is one disagreeable fea
ture about those lake excursions to St
Joe.
Hoax What is that?
Joax Every time a man boards the
boat It makes him. cross. Chicago
News. '
Explodei. "
Smith What was the cause ot the
fire? -
Brown There was a woman's rights
meeting, and .' '
Smith Ah, I see natural gas explo
sion. .'-.-.
Sequitur. -
De Witt Yes, my son follows the
medical profession.
Gabbil With his black clothes and
white lawn tie; he looks more like a
minister than a doctor.
De Witt I didn't say he was a doc
tor. He's an undertaker. Philadelphia
Press. . .
Bealiatic School.
You said you were going to marry
an artist, and now you're engaged to a
dentist" ,
Well, isn't he an artist He draws
from real life." Fun.
Warm- Weather Arranarementa.
'Do you take your cook away with
you in the summer?",. -
No, oh, no; we can't afford to go to
the kind of plaCe that would satisfy
her." Chicago Record-Herald.
Bank and File Needed.
Filipino General You'll have to come
along with us. We are going to surren
der. -. ::.:.,'-.
Filipino Private Can't you do it
without me? -
Filipino General Confound you, how
would it look for forty generals to sur
render without any army? Chicago
Tribune. ' '."
May Kill Him Yet.
Why, man, you're almost well! What
do you mean by saying you -haven't
reached the crisis?"
I mean, if yon want to know, that
the doctor hasn't sent in his bill yet."
Philadelphia Bulletin. :
Willing to Suffer.
Girl Are you a lover of music, pro
fessor? -
Professor Yes, I am; but it does not
make any difference. Just go on and
play away. Heitere Welt
gomethina; Wrona !
He I see a new family has moved in
next door. " . ; -
She Yes, they moved in to-day.
He What sort of furniture have
they? -
She I didn't notice.
He Goodness, dear! What's the mat
ter? Have you been sick? Philadelphia
Press.
' .:. At Commencement.
'That girl who received all the flow
ers must have taken first-class honors.
"On the contrary, she barely passed
the examinations." -
'Who is that plainly dressed insignifi
cant-looking little maid over in one cor
ner of the stage?" " '
' "She is the first honor graduate."
. In Chicasro.
"Mrs. Wabash looks like such a lov
able woman."
- "LOvable! I should say she was lov
able! That's her long suit ' She's had
five husbands in seven years!" Cleve
land Plain Dealer. . , . .
' ' s. - - '' C-h-a-o-a. " ' "
"C-M-a-o-s," spelled 4-year-old Margie
slowly; "now I wonder what that
means?" ' "'t' ' . '-'-.-"'"
"Oh," replied her 6-year-old brother,
with an air of superior knowledge,
means a great big pile of nothing and
no place to put It"
Chocking Idea.
- Philadelphia!! Do you mean to say
you eat snails?
New-Yorker Certainly. They are
great delicacy. Don't yon?
Philadelphian Heavens, no! It would
seem like cannibalism! Chicago Trib
une. : . . ."-.."
What He Needed. i
Dudelelgh I say,, barbah, I'd like
some aw hair westorah foh me
mustache, doncher know. '
Barber Excuse me, sir, but I think '
If s hair originator yon want
An Expedient.
'Didn't yon have trouble In getting so
many antiques?". -.
"Dear, me, no I had them made to
order."
8eaae and Chic
"Miss Dorothy, why is it you enjoy
golf so much?" " !
"Oh, It's. Just because I like some-'
thing real stylish to get awf ully excited
aDOUX. ' .
'" Sympathetic.
"You ought to think more of others."
fBut I do. When the first of the
month comes around I am as blue as
can be, wondering what my creditors
will do."
One Explanation.
Mrs. Snaggs I could never under
stand why the Russians call their ruler
the White Czar.
Mr. Snaggs I suppose that the nu
merous plots against his life keeps him
pale all the time. Pittsburg Chronicle.
Sometimes.
"I suppose you have said some things
you were sorry for 7' "
"Oh, yes," answered Senator Sor
ghum. "I have occasionally said ten
dollars' when five would have brought
results just as well." Washington Star.
A Shrewd Fellow.
Swiggers That man Kllltime is a
shrewd fellow.
Swaggers Why ?
Swiggers He gave a lawn-mowing
party yesterday and had the guests cut
the grass. Ohio State Journal.
Nurse You sillv child! Now you've
spilt half your tea on your new pina
fore! Little Innocent It doesn't matter
Tve had enough! Punch. -
A SuBaeitlon.
Don't you think that the wires all
ought' to be pot under ground?" asked
Cawker. . , . v
"Yes, and the wire-pullers, too," re
plied Cumso. . '
An TJp-to-Date Proposal.
Tom Do you believe in palmistry?
May Yes.
Tom-Give me your hand and I will
tell you who your husband will be.
May With all my heart. Moonshine.
Popular Sister.
"I should like to know how many pro-
posals May Rocks has rejected?" said
Miss Murray Hill to Miss Homewood.
'I'm sure I don't know," was the lat
teis reply, "but I understand she has
the largest family of brothers in the-
city. Pittsburg Chronicle.
Out of the Pale.
'He is so cultivated, papa. 1 He "car
speak French and German, dances di.
vinely," and plays the piano beautiful
ly." -
'Cm! Can he earn a living?"
'No. But he said he didn't think that
was necessary. . ,
- . . ...
"I don't get credit for nearly all the
work I do," said the young man discon
tentedly.
'Well, answered his elderly com
panion In toll, "never mind. It Is Just
as well to leave a margin of doubt to
which mistakes may be charged."
Washington Star: .
Forgot to Ask.
She The Jeweler says the diamond
in my ring is not genuine.
He Um er he told me the ring was
real goia. . i rorgot to ask mm about
the stone. New York Weekly.
" Appropriate Color. " '
"The British Government has Issued
a blue book giving the losses and ex
penses of the Boer war."
"Well, I should think that really
would be a ' blue book." Pittsburg
Chronicle. '
... ... - - - ' i
a matter or Health.
When the world is dull and gloomy
And won t go the proper way,
It is really yonr stomach ' -
That is ailing, so they say;
And the "world would chime with laugh
ter .
Till the rippling echoes wake,
If we only could discover
Just what medicine to take.
Baltimore Sun.
Something in Reserve.
A young lady had a train to catch,
and chartered a cab, which, unfortu
nately was drawn by a very wretched
horse. Having told cabby that she had
to reach the station in twenty minutes,
away the vehicle dashed at five miles
an hour.
Xixvy uuu unicij guv ul-lj- jaiuo, uvtt-
ever, before the lady put her head out
of the window and requested the driver
to whip the horse, as she would other
wise miss the train. He accordingly
did so. - - "...
A little further on she asked him to
administer the whip once more, as tbe
cab . was only Just moving. Cabby
again complied. Soon after she said:
"Can't you hit him on the head so as
to wake him up a bit?" "
. Looking at the young lady, tbe cabby
exclaimed: ';
"Well; mis8.I've 'it the hanlmal all'
over 'is bloomin body except 'is left
ear, and I'm savin' that for the last
111!" London Answers. :
; Girls, don't keep a man waiting for
an answer. He may have another en
gagement In view. - .