t
I IJ. ) THE SOUTH WIND.
Wind that Kings of the dreamy South
When the pale first blossoms woo the
bee,
Wind that flings from a golden month
Tender spray of the summer sea,
Wind that keeps for us light and bloom,
That cradles the bird in the tree-top
nest.
Wind that sleeps in the lilac's plume.
Of the winds of heaven we love the
best.
Over the springing wheat-fields pass.
And over the small home gardens far.
Evermore bringing to grain and grass
And the flowers thy breath of blessing
, rare.
Give us the cup of thy wine to taste,
O wind of the South, so strong and
fleet!
Never a drop of its joy to waste.
In the days of the springtime coy and
sweet.
Woman's Home Companion.
Y profession Isn't
a popular one.
There is consid
erable prejudice
against it. I don't
myself think it's
much worse than
a good many
others. However,
that's nothing to
do with my story.
Some years ago
me and the gen
tleman who was at that time connected
' with me in business he's met with re
verses since and at present Isn't able to
go out was looking around for a Job,
being at tbe time rather hard up, as
you might say. We struck a small
i country town I ain't going to give It
1 away by telling where it was or what
the name of it was. There was one
bank there. The president was a rich
old duffer: owned the mills, owned the
bank, owned most of the town. There
wasn't no other officer ut the cashier.
,..t..t.,,,1,.t,,t,.i.,I,.1,,1,.,...i..M.4Mt,
I A COOL SCOUNDREL J
, . . . .flirt and run errands. - -
The door was chilled Iron, about the
neatest stuff I ever worked on. I went
on steady enough; only stopped when
Jim which, as I said, wasn't his real
name whistled outside, the watchman
toddled by. By and by, when I'd got
pretty near enough, I heard Jim so to
speak whistle again. I stopped, and
pretty soon I heard footsteps outside,
and I'm blowed if they didn't come
; right up the bank steps, and I heard a
key in the lock. I was so dumbfound
ed when I heard that that you could
have slipped the bracelets right on me.
1 picked up my lantern, and I'll be
hanged if I didn't let the slide slip down
and throw the light right on to the
door, and there was the president. In-
stead of calling for help, as I supposed
tie would, he took a step inside the door
and shaded his eyes with his hand and
looked at me. I knowed I ought to
knock him down and cut out but I'm
blest If I could, I was' that surprised.
"Who are you?" says he.
"Who are you?" says I, thinking that
was an innocent remark as he com-
menced it and a-trying all the time to
, collect myself.
"I'm the president of the bank," says
he, kinder short; "something the mut
ter with tbe lock?"
By George, the idea came to me then:
"Yes, sir," says I, touching uiy cap.
"Mr. Jennings, he telegraphed this
luuruiug us me iocs was out or order
and he couldn't get in, and I'm come
on to open it for him."
, "I told Jennings a week ago," says
be, "that he ought to get the lock fixed.
Where is her' , -.. ' ; ,
He's been a-writing letters, and he's
-WuVnp to his house to get another
letter he wanted for to answer."
"Well, why don't you go right on?"
says he.
"I've got almost through?" says .1,
, "and I didn't want to finish up and
open the vault till there was somebody
here."
"That's very creditable to you," says
he, "a very proper sentiment, my man.
You can't," he goes on, coming round
. by the door, "be too particular about
avoiding the very suspicion of evil."
"No. sir," says I, kinder modest like.
"What do you suppose is the matter
with the lock?" says he.
"I don't rightly know yet," says I,
' "but I rather think It's a little on ac-
count of not being oiled enough. These
. 'ere locks ought to be oiled about once
. a year."
"Well," says he, "you might as well
go right on, now I am here. I will stay
- till Jennings comes. Can't I help you
hold your lantern, or something of
that sort?"
The thought came to me like a flash,
and I turned around and says:
"How do I know you're the presi
dent? I ain't ever seen you afore, and
" you may be a-trylng to crack this bank
for all I know."
- "That's a very proper Inquiry, my
man," says he, "and shows a most re
markable degree of discretion. I con
fess that I should not have thought of
. the position in which I was placing you.
However, I can easily convince you
- that It's all right 1 Do you know what
! the president's name Is?"
"Nd, I-don't" says I, sorter surly.
"Well, you'll find it on that bill," said
he, taking a bill out of his pocket "And
- you see the same name on these let-
ters," and he took some letters from
t his coat.
. ; I suppose I ought have gone right on
then, but I was beginning to feel Inter
ested in making him prove who he
was, so I says:
"You might have got them letters to
put up a job on me." '. ,
V "You're a very honest man," says he,
"one among a thousand. Don't think
I'm at all offended at your persistence.
No, my good fellow. I like it, I like it,"
and he laid his hand on my shoulder.
"Now, here," says he. taking a bundle
of his pocket "is a package of $10,000
- in bonds. A burglar wouldn't be apt to
u carry these around with. him. would '
t ' he? I bought them in the city yester- I
day.' and I stopped here to-night on '
'' my way home to place them in the !
vault, and I may add that your simple
" and manly honesty has so touched me
that 1 would willingly leave them in
your' bands, for safe keopiug. '-. You
needn't blush at my praise." j
MICHAEL G. MULHALL,
Michael G. Mulhall, whose death was
recently announced, was perhaps the
best known statistician of tbe present
day. Mulhall was born at Kllliney,
near Dublin, sixty-four years ago, and
his career was full of adventure. He
was educated in Borne at the Irish Col
lege, and be was the pioneer of the En
glish newspaper press in South Ameri
ca, the first paper printed there, in our
language, having been the Standard,
produced by Mulhall at Buenos Ayres
in 1858. In 1878 he returned to En
gland, and proceeded to make his name
as the author of "The Progress of the
World," "The History of Prices," and
the Invaluable "Dictionary of Statis
tics," which finds a place in every ref-
erence library. Mulhall was married
to a lady whose book, "Between the
Amazon and the Andes," placed her ,,
among the ranks of ladies who travel
well and write well of their travels.
I suppose I did turn sorter red when
I see them bonds.
"Are you satisfied now?" says he.
I told him I was, thoroughly, and so
I was. So I picked up my drill again,
and gave him my lantern to hold, so
that I could see the door. I heard Jim,
as I call him, outside once or twice,
and I like to have burst out laughing,
thinking how he must be wondering
what was going on inside. I worked
away, and kept explaining to him what
I was a-trying to do. He was very
much Interested in mechanics, be said,
and he knowed as I was a man as was
up in my business by the way I went
to work. He asked me about what
wages I got and how I liked my busi
ness and said be took quite a fancy to
me. I turned round once in a while
and looked at him a-setting up there
as solemn as aJblled owl, with my dark
lantern in his band, and I'm blamed if
I didn't think I should hate to" holler
right out.
I got through the lock pretty soon
and put in my wire and opened " it
Then he took bold of the door and
opened the vault. -
"I'll put my bonds in." says he, "and
go home. You can lock up and wait
till Mr. Jennings comes. 1 don't sup
pose you will try to fix the lock to
night." I told him I shouldn't do anything
more with it now, as we could 'get in
before morning. "Well, I'll bid you
good-night, my man." says he, as I
swung the door to again. -
Just then I heard Jim, by name, whis
tle, and I guessed tbe watchman was
a-coming up the street.
"Ah," says I, "you might speak to the
watchman, if you see him, and tell him
to keep an extra lookout to-night"
"I will," says he, and we both went
to the front door.
"There comes the watchman up the
street," says he. Watchman, this
man has been fixing the bank lock and
I want you to keep a sharp lookout to
night He will stay here until Mr. Jen
nings returns."
I saw Jim, so called, in the shadow
on the other side of the street, as I
stood on the step with the watchman.
,: "Well." says I to the watchman, "I'll
go and pick up my tools and get ready
to go." ,
I went back to the bank, and it didn't
take loug to throw open the door and
stuff them bonds into the bag. There
was some boxes lying around and a
safe sis I should rather have liked to
have tackled, but it seemed like tempt
ing Providence after the luck we'd had.
I looked at my watch and see it was
just a quarter past 12. There was an
express went through at half past 12.
I tucked my tools in -the bag on the top
of the bonds and' walked out to the
trout door. The watchman was on the
steps. ' ' i
"1 don't believe I'll wait for Mr Jen
nings." says I. "I suppose it will be all
right if I give you his key." ,
"That's all right," , says the watch
man. - ;
" "I wouldn't go away very far, from
the bank." says I.
"No. I won't." says he. '"111 stay
right about here all night."
"Good night," says I. and I shook
hands with, him. and me and Jim
which wasn't his right name, you un
derstandtook the 12:30 express, and
the best part of the job was we never
heard nothing of it..
It never got into the papers. Argo
naut. ,
ARE AFRAID OF MIRRORS.
Moat Wild Animals Take Fright at
Their Own Reflections.
A glance at himself In a mirror yes
terday frightened Big Ben, tbe zoo's
largest lion, so badly, says the Phila
delphia Press, that the keepers in
charge feared he would do violence to
himself. He was in an angry mood all
day and paced restlessly up and down
his cage, stopping at the bars and rav
ing at every chance passerby.
The antics of a small boy particular
ly excited bis ire and he raged and
stormed as only a big lion' can. The
lad enjoyed the performance and wait
ed until' Ben had finished his tirade,
and then drew a hand mirror from- un
der his coat and . held it directly in
front of Ben. - ',' '.
The lion looked over and then jumped
for the intruder that dared face him
GEN. PALMER, THE NEW COMMANDER
OF BRITISH FORCES IN INDIA.
Ma j. Gen. Sir Arthur Power Palmer,
who by King Edward's approval has
become permanent commander-in-chief
of the British forces in India, has been
for a long time commander of the Pun
jab frontier force and provisional head
of the imperial service. ' He is an old
time Indian campaigner, thoroughly
seasoned to the climate and the work.
In the great "mutiny of 1857, the year
in which he entered the army, Gen.
Palmer raised a 'regiment of . Sikhs,
which he commanded till the close of
the campaign.4 Ip853 he fought in the
bloody business uljton the ' northwest
frontier, an.d afterward in tbje Abys-'
siuiantnfaflii UiifjJUflfa expedition, in
the Afghan war. in the Sudan, and as
head of the campaign in the Chin Hills.
It is said he understands' Indian, mili
tary needs more than any other man in
the empire
" "" ' I. -I I -I , ',
FAMOUS IRISH STATISTICIAN-
MICHAEL S. WTTLHXI.1-
in such a fashion, but brought up
against the bars with force enough to
throw him to the floor. Surprised at
the appearance of the invader, he filled
the house with his roars.' The keepers
ran to the cage and endeavored to quiet
him, but he continued tbe uproar until
exhausted. ' ;-. -; ...
In tbe meantime the adventurous
youth had disappeared . and was dis
covered In front of. the wolves' cage
trying to excite them In the same way.
He was led from the garden and warn
ed to keep away.
About a year ago a serious disturb
ance at the zoo was due to the flashing
of a mirror in front of the lions' den.
At that time tbe Hons, with the excep
tion of one or two of the wildest wer
kept in one cage. .'A visitor held a .mir
ror in front of them one afternoon and.
the beasts were thrown into panic.
They fought 'and dashed at the bars
with such violence that It was feared
several would die as a result of their
frantic struggles. , It required the com
bined efforts of all the keepers for sev
eral hours. before they could be quieted.
GOT THE WORK HE WANTED.
I ffrontery of the Applicant Suited
the Kailroa-i Manager.
United States Revenue 'Inspector
William A. Gavett vouches for the fol
lowing story of a well-known Southern
railroad' man: v '
H. M. Hoxie. general manager of the
1. & G. X., was nui versa lly considered
a good fellow by his friends in Texas
and elsewhere. A slight deformity
caused him to limp, aud the brakemen
on the road, with the quick adeptness
which railroad men possess in giving
nicknames, promptly dubbed him "Old
Flatwheei:"
One day Mr. Hoxie sat in his office
when a typical Texas "brakle" stalked
in and stood with bis hat on in the
middle of the floor. '
"1 want a job." said he.
After a little talking Mr. Hoxie sug
gested that his manner was unbecom
ing, and suggested that he would give
him ,a practical lesson in how to ask
for a position. -t-n.
"Ypu take my seat." he sairtv"aiid I'll
show you how you ought to act."
The brakeman took the general man
ager's chair and Mr. Hoxie stepped out
into the hail. After giving a respect
ful knock he came iu and stood uiuoy
ered before bis temporary superior.
'Well?" said that worthy.
"1 am looking for a' position, sir."
said Hoxie. "I hrtve 'braked' for four I
years and 1 think I could till a position
on the International.. What can you
do for me?" ,
The tough brakemau leaned back in
his chair and stuck his thumbs in the
armholes of his vest. ' "Well. "Old Flat
wheel,' I'll just give you a job.", be
drawled. '' ,
''It took me off my feet," said Mr.
Hoxie in telling the story at a Galves
ton banquet , "But I laughed In spite
of myself, : and the applicant began
work on the International a short time
after that." Detroit Free Press. '
Long-Lived Birds. .
It used to be believed that the ravens
lived longer than any other species of
birds, and It was said that their age
frequently exceeded a century. Recent
studies of the subject indicate that no
authentic Instance of a raven surpass
ing seventy years of age is on record.
But .parrots have been known to live
one hundred years. One lost its mem
ory at 60 and its sight at 90. There is
a record of a golden eagle which died
at the age of 118 years. Another gold
en eagle was kept in the Tower of Lon-1
don for ninety years." A third died at j
Vienna aged 104 years. Geese and j
swans are tenacious, of life, and ex
traordinary accounts exist of the great
age that- they . have attained. Button 1
and other, authorities have , credited
them with 80 and 100 years of life.
' -" Hots and Tots.
The Dutch settlers at the Cape of
Good Hope called the natives Hotten
tots because the Cadre language seem
ed to be a perpetual repetition of the
syllables hot and tot '.. .
. The average woman puts off ac
knowledging her wedding presents as
long as possible, knowing that the do
nors expect the acknowledgment to
contain an Invitation to visit her.
aiTKRAI, PALMER.
NAMING THE BABIES.
GIVE THEM GOOD, PLAIN, HON
EST ENGLISH COGNOMENS.
Fad for Diminutives and Fancy Names
la Abating; Fewer Myrtles, Kaye
and Maymes Select Appellations
from Your Native Tongue.
A clergyman who baptizes a great
many babies asserts that the . fancy
names for girls which have caused so
much disgust among sensible people axe
going out of date. There are fewer
Carries, Emmas, Ellas, Mamies and Sa
dies and more Carolines, Emetines,
Elizabeths, Marys and Sarahs. This Is
pleasing, as it indicates that parents
are growing In sense. English names
should be given to English-speaking
people. Diminutives are proper enough
for babies, but where is the young lady
Margaret " who would sign her name
Maggie, Madge, Maud or Peggie on a
business document? How many people
of middle age can remember a Gladys
in their early days? A lady who. had
named her daughter Flora, afterward,
at the girl's request, enlarged it to Flor
ence, because there were so many
Floras among dogs and horses. But re
spect for the English language should
be the first impulse in naming a child.
Among boys the selection of foreign
and outlandish names is far less com
mon. Now and then there is 'an Al
phonso or Alonzo, transported from one
of the Latin countries, but the good old
English names, such as have been borne
by the kings in all the centuries, still
stand the test of long endurance. The
new King of England has added to the
respect in which he was held by choos
ing the good old English Edward in
stead of the one which he received from
his Dutch father..
Among., the Henrys, . Georges, Will
iams, Charleses, Jameses, Edwards and
a few others, are names enough to fit
out the largest family of boys. Then
there are a few Bible names that are
favorites. John, David, Peter, Stephen
and Andrew being the most popular.
Greek names like Aristarchus, Demos
thenes, Anaxagoras, Themistocles and
Sophocles are too lengthy for use in this
hurrying age. A family in Central New'
York saw. the name of Socrates in a
book, and named their son So-cra-tes,
accent on the second syllable, and by
that pronunciation he was known
through a long life, though his intimate
friends reduced it to Scrate.. Probably
nine-tenths of the people in the rural
community in which he lived had no
more knowledge than his mother, a
most excellent lady, who used to boast
to her neighbors of Tier "equlnomical"
habits, and once complained that she
had a terrible Nashua in her stomach.
No mistakes will be made and nothing
furnished to cause a laugh if parents
will give their children good old English
or Anglo-Saxon names. There are some
very musical and sonorous names
among the Spanish, Italians, and old
Romans, but the child would not thank
his parents. In. after years if they com
pelled him to carry one of them through
life. A little' boy'yho was named Gama
liel and alwaysjalled "Gammy" by his
.parents, shook off the incubus very
early by falsely telling his teachers that'
he was John. His playmates and his
neighbors sympathized with him, and his
parents, regretting their mistake, let
the new name stand. We had the story
of Theophrastus and Theophilus Smith
a few weeks ago, and of the comedy of
errors that followed their living ha the
same row of flats because neither would
get beyon the initial T in signing his
Christian, or rather -ills heathen, name.
" Give the baby a good old name select
ed from the language that you speak.
The naming of a child is one of the
taost important incidents of his life.
The man who, having been handicapped
by his own awkward name, afterward
bestows it on his own son for the sake
of ."keeping.it in the family," is guilty
of an act that deserves to be branded as
a crime, the effect of which is more
lasting ' than a murder. New Haven
(Conn.) Palladium - -
FIRST NIGHTS ARE TRYING.
Stage People Kept on the Anxious Seat
Purine Initial Performances. :
The first night of a new play begins
for the auditor at 8 o'clock in the even
ing; for the actor at 8 o'clock In the
morning of the day set for the first pro
duction. At about that hour he awak
ens fagged from the-dress rehearsal
of the previous night, which has left
him too exhausted for a refreshing
sleep. Breakfast proves to be a farci
cal attempt at replenishing the inner
man. The chop has lost its appetizing
flavor and the coffee its stimulating
powers. .He finds himself repeating
tne woras or ms part mechanically
striking attitudes and moving about the
room to assume the positions decreed
by stage business. - , . ... , .. . -
Ten to one he discovers that he can
not remember the dialogue of his most
Important scene and he hurries to use
the manuscript. This brings hinl to
his sense and he berates himself as a
nervous idiot. . Time out of mind he
has performed the same mental and
physical antics inspired by the intense
strain of the first-night ordeal. He de
cides to "walk it off." But the words
sing in his head. He reads his lines on
the billboards, which seem to contain
nothing save posters heralding the play
in which he is to appear. "Might as
well have had a rehearsal," he mutters
as he retraces his steps to the Lambs'
or Players', the clubs frequented by the
actors. There every one, with the best
intention, wishes him success until the
poor fellow feels bowed down by the
responsibility of living up to their ex
pectations. Arrived at his apartment an attempt
to divert his thoughts by attention to
neglected correspondence proves of no
avail. He develops only a tendency to
copy the manuscript of his part Lunch
eon offers a temporary relief, ' but,
strange to say,; bouillon and chop are
equally tasteless. He gulps the first as
though it were a draft of medicine,
but cannot overcome the feeling of ner
vous nausea, and leaves the chop un
touched. "Here, get together, old
man,? is his mental command. Sleep
he must have.
But sleep comes not. Catching sight
of himself In a' mirror, he realizes that
be is unshaven. He dares not trust the
razor to his trembliner hand, an la mm
pelled to seek a barber. This opera
tion is speedily performed, in spite of
his suggestion that "there be no hur
ry." About 6 o'clock he is convinced
that acting is not bis matier and wishes
that he had been a bricklayer. A slice
of dried toast and a cup of tea consti
tute his dinner, after which a start la
made for the theater.
The hour consumed in make-up and
dressing seems altogether too brief.
Harrowing thoughts throne his brain.
He feels certain that he has forgotten
a tie, a hat, a waistcoat or some other
equally Important accessory to his
stage attire. At 8:15 or thereabouts he
is in the wings awaiting his cue, fever
ishly moistening his Hps, while he
mumbles his first speech.
Hs entrance made, his first word spo
kenthe burden rolls away and the re
mainder of the dialogue and business
comes In the main with pleasing cer
tainty:' Eleven o'clock finds him worn
out hoping for a favorable verdict from
the dramatic reviewers, but reallv at
that moment too exhausted to be con
cerned in anything in life except an in
viting pillow. New York Press.
GOOD
Short Storie5
On the occasion of the last Visit nf P
T. Barmim tdvEneland.
tus Sala presided at a dinner given in
honor of the famous showman. In the
reception room all were waiting tn mi
come the guest of the evening, when
Mr. Barnum came in beaming, and,
shaking hands with the chairman, said,
with a strongly marked Yankee ac
cent: "This is indeed a surprise to
me." "Did you hear that?" Mr. Sala
whispered; "why, he arranged for the
dinner himself."
Senator Vest has been h
with poor health for some time, never
theless his mind is one of the brightest
in the Senate. One day recently he
sank into his chair, saving to his neizh
bor: "I am an old man. and I'll never
get over this." "Come, come, Vest,
brace up," replied his neighbor; "brace
up,, and you'll be all rleht. Look at
Morrill over there; he's nearly 90, and
is as spry as a man of 40." "Morrill
Morrill!" said Vest: "he's set for erer
nity. They'll have to shoot him on the
aay or judgment."
Two inmates in a Glascrrtw nsvintn
working In the garden, decided upon
an auempi at escape. Watching their
opportunity when their keeper was ab
sent, they approached the wall. "Noo,
bend doon, Sandy," said the one, "and
I'll clim' up your shoulder to the top.
ana men ill gie ye a hand up tae.'
Sandy, aceordinely. bent down, t
mountine his back, eraineii th tnr nf
the wall, and,- dropping over the other
side, shouted, as he prepared to make
off: "I'm thinkinz. Sandv. von'll he
better to bide anither fortnight, for
you're no near ncht yet."
In his "Eccentricities of Genius,"
Maj. Pond says that often while trav
eling Henry Ward Beecher improved
his time by having what he called "a
general house-cleaning" of his pockets,
which would get loaded up with letters
and papers "until thev could linlri nn
more; when he would clear them out
and destroy such papers as were worth
less. On one occasion Beecher hannen-
ed. to put his hand in the watch-pocket
or ms pantaloons and found there a
little envelope which he opened. When
he saw its contents, he called Maj.
Pond to sit beside him, and remarked:
"You remember the eveninz I married
C. P. Huntington. I was so much in
terested in the subject that I forgot he
Handed me a little envelone as he wwit
out 'Of the door.. -1 put it in the watch
pocket of my pantaloons and never
thought of it again until just now, and
here it is four one-thousand-dollar
bills.- Now," he said, "don't. tell any
one about it; and we will have a good
time and make some haDniness with
this money.. We will just consider that
we round it. Ano so, m a flay or two,
Mr. Beecher went with Mai. Pond tn
look at a cargo of fine Oriental rugs,
many of which he purchased and sent
to different friends, and afterward he
spent what remained of the money for
com-suver lamps, unmounted gems,
and various pieces of bric-a-brac, all of
which he gave away, until he had used
up the entire four thousand dollars, "in
making happiness among those whom
he loved." After Mr. Beecher's death
the Major related to Mr. Huntington
the incident of this discovery of the
four thousand-dollar bills, and the rail
way magnate observed: "I should
never have eiven them to him. It wna
all wrong. I made a mistake. Money
never did him any good."
Only Estate of Its Kind.
"There Is one point to which I wish
to call your attention," said the owner
of a fine old colonial palace to a pros
pective purchaser.
'tttlTI i. I .1. 4 !
n uui is iiiui ;
"This estate is, I believe, absolutely
unique in this particular, among es
tates with buildings as old as this one."
"And what is this unique feature?"
"It was never occupied by Washing
ton as headquarters." Philadelphia
Press. " -
Exhausting Maine's Birch Forests.
At the present rate of the manufac
ture of spools and other articles the im
mense white birch forests of Maine can
not last many years. Although the birch
forests are extensive, the fact that sev
enteen spool mills and a large number
of so-called novelty mills are eating up
the timber at the rate of from 35,000,000
to 40,000,000 feet annually excites the
apprehension of foresters and manufac
turers.
Telling the Speed of a Train.
When traveling on a railway you can
tell how fast the train is going by the
following ; method: The telegraph
posts along a railway line are placed
thirty to the mile. So if you multiply
the number of posts passed in a min
ute by two the result gives you the
number of miles per hour at which the
train is going. ' :
'-'.--'. New Hotel for Boston.
The biggest and most costly hotel in
Boston is to go up this season on the
site of the Brunswick. It is to be in
elegance a rival of . New York's Waldorf-Astoria.
flUMOB OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, Curious and Laughable Phases
of Human Nature Graphically Por
trayed by Eminent Word Artists of
Onr Own Day A Budget of Fan.
"I sent a postage stamp for a pamph
let which was to tell me how to suc
ceed." "Whardid it say?"
"It said: 'Make better, use of your
postage stamps.' "
The Liiterary Movement.
"Did you enjoy the reception at the
Literary Club?"
"Very much, indeed. Everybody wag
so well dressed."
Justifiable in His Case.
. "Do you go to the theater in Lent?"
"Yes: I'm such a pessimist that noth
ing amuses me." ;
Compulsory Ontlsy.
"Is Bibb a good neighbor?"
"No; he's very unpopular, because he
paints his house every spring, and that
makes everybody In the block have to
do the same."
These Beat Estate Alen.
'
Brown (angrily) I thought you said
that was a fine ducking shore you sold
me. I was there all Washington's
Dirtnday ana there wasn't a duck in
sight.
Real Estate Agent I told you it was
a fine ducking shore but it ain't my
fault if the ducks haven't sense enough
to find it out.
ntnral H
"IX what makes a rabbit wabble its
Ltose so t
"I can't tell von .Timmv
"I know; it's because it hasn't got
uvugu tan to waDDie.
Another Literary Gness.
"I've got a theory."
"What is it?"
"I think the same hand that penned
'Billy Baxter's Letters' wrote 'An Eng-
lisnwoman s Love Letters.' "
Horrid Man.
"Harry, did you buy me that hat I
wanted?"
"No. Marie, I bought a new cooking
stove.
"You selfish thing!"
Feminine Cha r'ty.
Bess Miss Oldham would certainly
make a brave soldier.
Tom Why do you think so?
Bess She never deserts her colors.
Honest Healer.
"Is that marble?" asked a customer,
pointing to a small bust of Kentucky's
famous statesman. :
"No, sir," replied the "conscientious
dealer, "that's Clay."
More Home Kule.
Enpeck My dear, according to my
views of bringing up children
Mrs. Enpeck Never mind about your
views. I'll attend to bringing up the
children; you go down in the cellar and
bring up a bucket of coal-
Not Guilty.
He I thoueht XOU said vour father
said he -wouldn't let you marry a law
yer? .
She Papa heard you at work in
court the other day.
Feline. '.':
Miss Ann Teek I wouldn't marry the
best man in the world.
Miss Pepprey Naturally. You'd
probably not be asked even if you were
the last woman in it. Philadelphia
Press.
Impertinent.
Waiter fat swell restniirsmtl Ti.im-.
chicken? Yes, sir. Do you like vour
game high?
Uncle Si Not so doggoned high the
gun won't reach 'em, o' course, but
what's that got to do with eatin' of
'em?
HlsAwkwarJ Fall.
'Sorry to trouble you, madam, but
your husband fell from a fourth-story
window . he was cleaning to-day,
and "
"O, my poor husband!"
"Your husband is all right, madam.
but he fell so blamed awkwardly that
he broke my awning all to pieces, and
got away before I could see him. Here's
the bill for damages, and you tell him
that if he wants to save trouble he'd
better settle it right away."
-etude to it.
Aggrieved Youth In your "Literary
Outlook" in this morning's paper you
say Vthere has not been a volume of
poems printed for six weeks." ' Yet I
sent you a copy of my "Songsln Vari
ous "Keys" not more than two weeks
ago.. . V". - - '.-'
Literary Editor Yes, I remember it.
I see no occasion to revise my statis
tics. Frightful weather, isn't it?
What Ha Talks Throna-h.
Myer What's Windham's telephone
number?
Gyer Six and seven-eighths. '
Myer Why, there aren't any frac
tional numbers in the telephone book.
Gyer But there are In hats. : ;
Those LovinK Girls.
Maude I didn't think you would be
able to recognize me after a three
years' absence.
Clara You have changed considera-'.
bly, but I'd recognize that hat of youri
a hundred years from now.
Citina- an Exception.
Smith Kindness always conquers.
Jones Oh, I don't know. I once knew
a man who tried It on a mule.
Smith Well?
Jones His funeral was largely at
tendee!. ...
Bis Experience.
Hix It's just as easy to tell the truth
as It is to tell a lie. ' ,
Dix Yes, but when a man realizes
that by telling a small lie he will not
only make his wife happier but will
get several hours' 'more sleep he is
justified in telling it.
Not an Iniucentent.
Farmer Ilayrix (to" hotel clerk)'
Heow much dew you tax a feller fer
stoppln' at this here tavern?
Clerk Three dollars a day. We give
you all the comforts of a home.
Farmer Hayrlx Gosh! I git all them
tew home fer nothing.
One Man's Opinion.
Wife What is this gold reserve the
papers are continually referring to?
Husband I guess it must be the
manner in which gold persists in hold
ing aloof from the most of us.
A Friend in Need.
"So . Birdie Flyppe married a lame
man! It is the last thing I would ever
have expected her to do."
"It was a case of gratitude, I believe. ,
They were shipwrecked together, and
by using his cork leg as a life preserver
he managed to save them both."
Anticipating a Brilliant Season.
The Early Cockroach How do you
do? ' Seems to me you're looking rather
forlorn and poverty-stricken.
The Early Moth You won't think so
when you see me cutting a wide swath
in costly furs. ,
At a Matinee,
The Girl Beg pardon, str, "does "my"
hat trouble you? : .
The Man I can. see nothing else. . -..-The
Girl Then I'll tell you what 'to
do. Just keep your eye on- me. and
when I laugh, you laugh when I cry,'
you cry.
Heady to .Believe Xt.
"What is the name of this station?"
asked the passenger from the East,
who had been looking wonderingly out ;
of the car window.
"Dauphin Park," replied the passen
ger from the suburb just beyond.
"That explains it. It must be nice
to fish for them from the windows of
the' dwellings." . .
"Fish' for what?" t. .j ,
. "Dolphins." . i -
The Viewpoint. . .
"Golf," said the ex-bicyclist.'ls a fine
game, but it doesn't amount to much in '
the way of exercise."
"Golf," remarked the ex-gambler, "is
splendid exercise, but it's an Infernally
poor game." Chicago- Tribune.
TaVins No Chances.
'Yes; he has proposed by letter," she
explained. "Now do you think I ought
to. mail my answer immediately or
keep him in suspense for a while?"
"Mail it!" exclaimed her dearest friend
in a tone that had a trace of spiteful- -ness
in it. "If I were you I'd telegraph
it" and there was an emphasis put
on "if I were you" that came near
breaking a friendship that bad ex
tended over several years. Chicago
Post.
.Needed Help.
Landlady Will you have another
help to the chicken, Mr. Blithers? -
Mr. Blithers (star boarder) Yes; un
less I get help I'm afraid- my jaws
won't stand the strain. You see I never
practiced mastication as a physical,
feat" Ohio State Journal.
Changeable Ever.
Yeast I can always tell what the
weather is going to be by my wife.
Crimsonbeak Indeed! Is she as fickle
as that? Yonkers Statesman.
In the Mexican Household.
The arrangement of furniture is
much more formal than in the United
States. It is a very common sight to
see a splendidly furnished parlor with
a row of straight backed chairs all
alike with their backs against the wall
and as close together as they can be
placed clear around the room.
Heavy single doors, such as are used
in the United States, are practically un
known in Mexican houses either at en
trances or between interior rooms. All
doors open In tbe middle and are fasten
ed with bolts top and bottom. Exte
rior doors are always fitted with glass
panels, for they also serve as windows.
All such doors opening on the street or
open court are fitted with solid shut
ters that are folded at the sides out
of sight when not in use. -r'
Mute and Blind Americans.
The number of deaf-mutes in the Uni
ted States is over 111,000; the number
of totally blind is 88,924.
- Next to a love affair that doesn't pan
out a woman's greatest disappoint
ment is in when a doctor she recom
mended, failed to effect a cure. : ,