THE COLUMBIAN.
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ST. HELENS, COLUMBIA CO., OR.,
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THE COLUMBIAN.
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VOL. V.
ST. HELENS, COLUMBIA COUNTY, OREGON, JUNE 5, 1885.
NO. 44.
THE COLUMBIA.
NOBODY REALLY CARES.
If you've anything- to frrleve you.
And fill your heart with fears.
If Poverty bides near you.
And your days are dimmed by tears.
If you And with soul lesp:tiriutr
No answer to your prii crs.
Don't say a word a'wmt it, for
Nobody really cures. ..
If health and streiurth forsake you.
And pain and sickness brinif
A k loo in that clouds the sunshine
And shadows everything.
If you feel that lot so weary
But seldom mortal bears.
Don't say a word about it. for
Nobody really cares.
This world is fond of pleasure.
And. take it at its best.
Tis sadly bored unless you
Meet it with smile ad jest :
It yawns o'er Want's complainings,
At Sorrow cffldly stares.
So never tell your troubles, for
Nobody really cares.
Haruarct Kytiivje, in Ilarptr'a Wechly.
IN HASTE.
An Important Letter, Three Bro
ken Eggs and. a Telegram.
It was when postage stamps wore
three cents apiece, and eggs twelve and
and a half cents a dozen, that Mr.
Huggins, the proprietor of the little
country store at Elkton, sat at his high
desk one dreary afternoon, with his
head studiously bent over his book,
making out an ac count of sales.
"Flea.se sir." suddenly interrupted a
thin, small voice pros-ceding from the
space in front of the de.-k. will you
give me a stirrup for these three eggs,
and you needn't mind the change."
Mr. Huggins sluwlv lifted his eyes
from the b'g book, to look for the small
speaker below them.
It was a mite of a g'rl. not more than
six years old, who held a letter in one
hand and with the other tightly grasped
her apron gathered together for the
safe keeping of three eggs lying within.
Mr. Huggins'' senses had been so ab
sorbed in the difficulties of his long sum
in addition, that it was several moments
before he could recall them and bring
them down to a level with the little
head lifting itself eagerly up to him;
but reaching out his hand mechanically,
he took the letter, and supposing fie
would immediately take the eggs also,
the little girl incautiously opened her
apron, when, alas, with a pip! pip! pip!
as though they were kissing each other a
hasty good-by, out rolled the eggs,
. and with a smash! smash! smash!
lay on the floor, a medley of gold and
silver, and ivory shells!
For one moment the poor little mes
senger stood silent with dismay, and
then lifting her distressed face to that of
Mr. Huggins, she burst into a wail so
pitiful that the heart of the store-keeper
wast ouched with compassion.
"Why, what on earth did you open
your apron for, little gal?" said he, by
way of soothing her.
"To let you get the eggs,"
sobbed the child. "I thought you were
going to take them."
And so I was," he answered, "but
youdughtnot to have let go vour grip
till I had hold of them. Vtell, well,
they won't hatch now, that's certain,"
he continued, with a touch of philoso
phy in his tone, " but there's no
more use crying over smashed eggs
than over spilt milk; you ought to be
glad there are so few of them; and
what were vou asking me to do with
them?"
"To give me a stamp, please, sir.
But oh, what will mother do now! Her
letter can't go and she said it was to
start at once and go in haste!"
The sobs grew louder as the little girl
seemed to realize more and more the
extent of the disaster.
"To go in haste." repeated Mr. Hug
gins, with a smile of superior knowl
edge "Yes, I see, she has written on
it in haste, in haste.' Well, that might
have done some good, perhaps, fifty
years ago. when letters were carried
about the country on horseback: I doubt
if it will hurry tip the steam cars very
much. But for mercy sake, little gal,
do stop crying!" he ejaculated sudden
ly as the deepening sobs smote his
heart anew and brought him back to
the business on hand. "Didn't I tell
you there's no use crying over smashed
eggs! So, look up now and tell me what
is the great haste about this particular
letter?"
"O, I don't know 'zackly, sir," an
swered the child, tearfully, "but I know
it if something very particular indeed,
an1 will break mother' s-heart a'most to
know it hasn't gone. You see, she had
been over to .Miss Kilev s and she come
back with the tears all running down
her cheeks, and she hunted round till
she found this paper and a pencil, and
wrote the letter with her hand all in a
tremble. But after it was all done up,
6he just remembered that she hadn't a
stamp, and I ran as fast as I could to
Miss Riley's, but she hadn't one, nor
any money either, and mother just sank
dawn and cried as if her heart would
break, and then, sir wasn't it lucky
I knew a stamp cost three cents and I
just thought of my old hen. Buff, who
was laying eggs that I wanted so to
hatch, and there was just three in the
nest, but I couldn't see mothe cry so,
and I ran out and brought i ji in to
her, and she was so glad well, J wish
you could have seen her and she said:
Thank God for the eggs, Jess, aad run
as fast as you can, for this letter must
go in haste,' in haste, that's just what
she said but oh, the eggs are all broken
now. and what will mother do!"
The long story came to an abrupt end
with a fresh wail of grief. .
"Well, don't take it so to heart,
child," said Mr. Huggins with his gruft
kindliness. "There's no great harm
done; the letter can't go till to-morrow
any how, for the mail has been gone
these three hours."
"To-morrow!" repeated the little girl
in dismay. "O, sir, mother won't sleep
a wink to-night if she knows thac; ' she
said a day might make it too late, and
that if you would read it, you would
know it must go in haste."
"But that's Ul nonsense, child,"
sa:d Mr. Huggins. beginning to lose
patience. "There's no such thig these
days letters now all go one way and
in one time, and that's a deal quicker
than they once did. But you run home
now, anu if you like you needn't tell
your mother anything about the wait
ing, nor the eggs either ; I'll put a
jl&mp on for you and send it as soon as
can."
The little eyes beamed like star
through the falling tears. "O, sir, if
j ou would!" she cried, "and when my
lien lays three more eggs I will be sure
to bring them to you."
She turned quickly to the door, but
pausing there, as if with an unconquer
able impulse, she looked back, saying :
"And if you please, sir, do make it go
fast, for that's what she said in haste."
"That child has got more heart than
head," thought Mr. Huggins to himself
as he silently watched her depart with
out making further efforts to explain
mail regulations. He knew the little
customer quite well as the child of
Widow Carson, who had come to the
neighborhood just after the lirst of those
terrible Hoods that had scut so many
homeless ones back from the banks Of
the treacherous Ohio. It was said that
her husband had perished in the waves
after placing his wife and child in
safety, aad hero she had lived ever
since in a little' log cabin not far from
the store, where with her small patch
of corn and potatoes she supported, as
best she could, herself and Jess and the
little yellow dog. But only a few days
previous to this, Mr. Huggins had felt
compelled to refuse her any further
credit, till the bill, slowly lengthening on
his big book, was paid up, and it was
doubtless because of this that she had
not sent to him at once to ask the ad
vance of a stamp for this all-important
letter.
Meditatively he looked at the en
velope, with the address scrawled in so
tremulous and unpracticed a hand that
he doubted much whether it would ever
reach its destination, and the words of
Jessie returned to his mind "She said
if you would read it, you would know
it must go in haste."
It seemed a sufficient permission to
the kind thought in his heart, and open
ing the awkwardly sealed covering, Mr.
Huggins with difficulty made out the
words written evidently by a hand
tremulous with emotion:
"I have just heard you were seen in
Rockport yesterday, "looking for Jess
and me; it seems too good and wonder
ful to be true, but I write at once to
say that we are here, and God grant
my letter may reach you in time. I will
write in haste' on it.'and I will pray
day and night that He will make it go
quickly, for Jess and I are in such need
that unless you come to us soon, I do
not know what will become of us. We
have mourned for you so long as dead
that I can scarcely write now for the
beating of my heart at the thought of
seei ng you again. ' '
Though Mr. Huggins was often
called a rough, cold man, yet there was
certainly a strange moisture in his eyes
as he closed the letter. In a moment
he had taken in the whole situation.
Jessie's father, then, was not dead as
supposed, but had been separated from
his wife and child on that terrible night,
and had lost sight of them. The sorow
ing woman had just heard that he had
been seen seeking those who mourned
him; but it was evident that he was not
long to remain at Rockport. What if
this chance of reunion should be lost.
These words, "I will pray day and
night that God will make my leiter go
quicklv," and the wan, anxious face of
little Jess rose together before Mr.
Huggins' mind, and with a sudden
movement he rose abruptly, saying half
aloud: "And my name is not Huggins if
it don't go quick, quicker even than she
thought!"
Striding from the store and locking
the door behind him, Mr. Hupgins was
seen a little latter riding rap" ly to the
nearest railroad station.
"I want this telegram sent at once,"
he said, handing a slip of paper to the
clerk, on which was written.
To John Carson, Boatman's Tavern, Hock
jwirt: "Jess and I are here; come at once, and in
quire at the Elkton store for the house.
"MARrCAKSOS."
Rockport was only a hundred miles
away, and Mr. Huggins est many an
expectant glance next day alon the
road leading "from the ation. And
sure enough, about half an hour after
the three o'clock train had whistled, a
sun-burnt stranger with eager, anxious
face, came down that road and hurriedly
entered the store.
"Can anyone tell me where Mary
Carson lives?" he asked, nervously, of
Mr. Huggins.
"Yes, my friend, and I will lead you
a part of the way myself." answered the
proprietor, promptly, and without losing
a moment the two were soon in sight of
the little log cabin.
"That's the house," said Mr. Huggins,
"you can easily find the rest of the way
alone," and with these words he turned
back, leaving the stranger to hasten
onward.
He heard the little dog give its quick,
yelping bark, and a backward glance
showed 1 ;m Jessie already at the gate,
and the mother standing with clasped
hands motionless in the door-way; but
this was all. and you and Mr. Huggins
both will have to imagine the rest of the
story J L. L. Robinson, in X. Y. Observer.
Too Much Jersey.
"Does your wife wear a jersey?"
blandly asked the smooth-tongued dry
goods clerk of Farmer Furrow, who
was making a few purchases for his bet
ter half.
"Now, look a-here, young fellow,"
said the old granger, with a look of
mingled scorn and ferocity, "don't yer
be too fresh. I may be a countryman,
but I'll be darned if I'll take y guft
from yer."
"Why, I didn't mean a .ything, tim
idly retorted the clerk. "I merely asked
if your wife wore a jersey."
"Well, sir, if that's all yer want to
know I'll tell yer. She milks Jerseys
and feeds 'em and waters 'em, but, by
gosh! she doesn't wear 'em, confound
yer picter!" X. Y. Herald.
- We notice that the new code phy
sicians won a victory at the Academy
of Medicine in New York Thursday
night by electing a full ticket. We
don't know the code, but presume it is to
put "Dr." after the patient's name and
collect of the administrator. Lowell
Courier.
m- m
According to reports an application
of gun-cotton has been made in such a
manner that it will eventually supersede
the use of steam for the purpose of light
locomotion and driving small machin
ery. N. Y. Tribune.
The sale of cigarettes to children
In Missouri is forbidden by law.
SM UG MUGGER Y.
rite Astonishing Ch:inge Which Ketult
from Removal of Heard an J Mustache.
A wave of smuguiuggery is engulfing
the land. To those who do not know
what the scientific term smugmuggery
means, I might explain that it refers to
those who transform themselves into
.-.mugwumps by shaving off their whisk
ers and mustaches. It is a barber's
boom or boon, rather. The result of
this freak of fashion is thatv whiskers
and mustaches are disappearing with a
rapidity that is bewildering. A per
son passes his best friend and fails to
recognize him all on account of .his
smugmug.
I desire to point out some of the dis
asters that have occurred through the
slavish following of th's new fashion. I
don't suppose that I shall be able to
check this growing evil, but the in
stances that have come to my knowl
edge may serve as a warning to some
who have not yet become smugwumps.
There was John G. Stivers, for in
stance. Stivers wore a long, black
beard topped by a mustache, and you
doubtless have noticed when you spoke
to h'm about anything that he hi.d the
habit of striking his long, black beard
slowly in a way that certainly left the
impression that Stivers was a deep a
very deep thinker. 1 know that was
the'efl'ect it had on me. I remember a
few weeks ago meeting him, saying:
"Wen, Mr. Stivers, looks as if we were
go'ng to have a Russian war? '
Stivers stroked his beard thought
fully, and said:
"Yes, it looks that way. But
well, you wait a few days."
Now," said I to myself as I left him.
"there's a man wh- has studied the
Afghan malter in all its bearings. No
flippant opinion then."
"Well, of course you've seen Stivers
since he shaved! The weak, irresolute
mouth and reced ng chin is now iu full
view. 1 happen to know that in a very
short time he was to have been taken in
as a partner in the house of Ready,
Made & Co., the clothiers, whose con
fidential clerk he has been- for so many
years manager I might say. Now he
thinks his whole trouble arises from the
fact that, when he weut into the estab
lishment just after shaving Mr. Made
approached him smilingly and said:
"Anything we can show you to-day,
sir?" Of course it made a big laugh
when the clerks saw that old Made had
been trying to sell something to his own
manager, but that was uot the trouble.
Mr. Ready himself told me that it as
tonished him to think they had ever
sought the advice of such a man, and of
course now any mistakes that had hap
pened in over prrcha-e and that sort of
thing were laid to the charge of Stivers'
suggestions. Now he is out of employ
ment, aud no one ever prefixes the
"Mr." to his nam.'. It is. pitiful to
see the way his h md wanders aimlessly
around his smooth face searching for
the lost beard.
Then there was Dr. Schuyler Brown.
He saw his mistake in time, and has
left the city till his beard ' grows on
agaiu. li s patients positively refused
to be prescribed for by so boyish a look
ing man. By the time he lost half his
practice the facts of the case dawned on
him, and his leaving will doubtless
bring back patients and beard.
I see by the papers that Mrs. Simp
kins Calendar has got her divorce from,
poor Simpk ns. Of course the very
sight of his smugmug iu court was
enough to turn the case against him.
Shupkins wasn't a bad-looKing fellow
when bearded like a pard, but the
transformation wai something awful.
Why the man was idiotic enough to
shave Is a mystery to his friends. He
ought to have remembered ho" he
looked without a beard.
The fas'iion spares neither o'd nor
young. I met old John Mortimer yes
terday out for the lirst time in thre
weeks, and he looke I haggard with the
gray stubble of a three weeks' growth
on his face. I think it herved John
right. 1 told him a month ago that
that brutal dog -would kill somebody
yet; but Mortimer thought because the
dog knew him it was all right It was
useless to tell old Mortimer that the
biuti? had selected samples of the clo'.h
ing of every friend that had the cour
age to call at the house. When the old
man came home that night shaved
smooth the dog did not recognize him,
and so kept him up the tree in the front
yard till Mrs- Mortimer and young
John came home from the singing
meeting. Young John would have
bro ight him down from the tree with
his revolver, too, if he had had it with
him, for the old man was so hoarse with
shouting that he could not speak above
a whisper, and they thought he was a
treed tramp.
It is rather curious how the scar on
the, upper lip of that McAdam who was
arrested last week for the Clrcago de
falcation led 10 his being identifed.
No one was mo. e astonished than
Brown. Brown said he would have
trusted him with any amount. The
case has been so fully reported in the
papers that it is needless for one to go
over it. Seems to me McAdam would
rather have consulted safety than fash
ion. His mustache will have a chance
to grow before he is at liberty to select
his own barber aga'n.
You might have noticed in the society
columns some weeks s-ro that younr
Froman was engaged to Stimson Jones
oldest. Well, that match is oil. Came
off with Froman's beard. She said she
had no idea t':e comers of his mouth
jeopardized his ears tosuch an extent.
She never dared say "anything funny
for fear he would smile. Finally the
match was broken off. She couldn't
stand that mouth.
Of course the above instances are
well known; otherwise I would not
meution them. It shows the surprising
effect of smugmuggery. Let the young
men of this country think twice before
they smug their mugs. Anti Smugmug,
in Detroit Free l'ress.
Florida oranges are being exported
from Boston to Liverpool in large quan
tities. A lot of one hundred boxes,
which were shipped recently, arrived iu
good condition, and were sold at satis
factory prices, although they came in
competition with the Mediterranean
oranges, which are sold in England at
low prices.
THE SPECTER IN RED.
Some of the Traditions Current Among'
the French People.
There exists a tradition that the Lou
vre, the great square and the Tuileries
palace, where it stood over there to our
right, are haunted by a specter called
"Le Petit Homme Rouge." The ap
pearance of this specter is always fol
lowed by a national misfortune civil
commo'ion. revolution, public disaster,
or the death of the head of State. When
Catharine de Medicis built the Tuileries
she took forcible possession of a lot of
other people's property, including a
butcher shop, the owner of which was
known among his neighbors as the "Lit
tle Mau in Red," because of his bloody
business. This butcher was the witness
of some of the adventures of Kate de
Medicis. and, in order to be sure of his
silence, the queen-mother had him de
coyed into a subterranean passageway
that connected the Tuileries with the
Louvre, where he was murdered. The
spirit of this poor fellow took up its
abode in the garret of the new palace,
and ever since he has been a herald of
death or misfortune. In the latter days
of the reign of the grand king . the
"Petit Homme Rouge showed himself
to Louis XIV., and then followed a
ruinous and disastrous war, the death
of the Duke of Bourgogne and his wifa
within six days of each other, and then
the king's own death. Louis XV. next
mounted the French throne and was
called by his people, "c bien ae."
One day the "Little Man in Red" showed
himself to the king, and not long after
he died with smallpox, loathed and de
serted: he died as hated and detested a
monaivh as ever sat on a throne. Poor
Louis XVI. must have seen the butcher's
ghost the first night he slept in the
Tuileries after that howling mob had
forced the royal family to move into
Paris from Versailles. On the 20th of
June. 17U2, the sans culottes gathered
in this Place du Carrousel and forced
their way into the palace. For six long
hours the royal family were forced to
witness a defile of the vilest scum
through such rich apartments. The
king and queen sat at the council table;
the Princess Elizabeth sat beside her
mother, who held the young dauphin in
her arms, and from time to time stood
him on the table for the people to look
at. One fellow took off his redcap and
placed it on the head of the infant
dauphin, who began to laugh and
amuse himself by peeping out from
under it at the crowd. The beast of a
Santerre, finding that this baby incident
was putting the rabble into a good
humor, shouted out: "Take off that
cap. Don't you see it is stifling the
child?" Among the spectators of this
extraordinary scene was a young lieu
tenant of artillery, who, as he walked
away when all was over, remarked:
"With these cannon planted at the
falace door, I could have swept the
'lace du Carrousel of all this canaille in
five minutes.". That ollicer, Bonaparte
by name, was destined ta be the imme
diate successor of Louis XVI. in the
Tuileries, and only three years later he
had an opportunity to show the effect of
sk'llfully handled guns on a mob, when
from the steps of St. Roch Church he
cleared the same place and put an end
to the reign of terror. Paris Cor. X. O.
Picayune.
Something Better.
She stood on the front steps gazing
at the eclipse through a bit of smoked
glass, and the old fellow stopped his
team at the curbstone and stood up in
his wagon and gazed all around in
search of the attraction. Dishorning
nothing unusual he called out:
"What is it, m-irm what's the riot?"
"The eclipse." she answered.
"Wharisit?"
"On the sun."
"Y-e-s, does seem a letle dim up
thar," he said, after a long squint,
"but, Lor'-a-massy, it's nuthin' tur
grown folks to waste their time over!
If you want to see sunthin' better
suuthin' real excitin' come out hum
with me. I've got a live-legged calf,
a two-headed chicken and an oak tree
as was struck by lightnin', and you kin
see 'em all without a glass an' have a
biied dinner on top of era for nutbin'.
'Clipse of the sun, eh! Well, now,
how little it does take to tip some folks
off their balance!" Detroit Free Press.
A Parisan Suicide.
A dramatic scene was enacted re
cently in the Rue Pierre Charron. A
man of lean countenance, worn, hag
gard, unkempt, and thinly clothed,
stood at the corner of the street, a prey
to the deepest distress. Addressing the
passers-by, he declared that he was
ruined, aud that his children had not
touched food for days. Suddenly he
drew a revolver from his pocket, turned
it toward h's breast, and tired. He was
raised and carried to the entrance of a
house, and upon his coat being opened
his shirt was found to be deeply dyed
with blood. A warm-hearted member
of the crowd which had assembled un
dertook to make a collection for the
wounded man's family, and was pro
ceeding to pass round the hat when the
police came to transport the suicide to
the hospital. Hereupon the suicide dis
appeared with the revolver and the
warm-hearted man with the collection,
making, it ;s said, until lost to sight,
the best short distance time ever known
in western Paris. Parte Cor. X. Y.
Evening Post.
An improved lead-headed nail for
use in putting on corrugated iron roofs
has made its appearance in the market.
The shank of the nail is round and suf
ficiently sharp at the point to enter the
wood readily, and may be driven home
in the usual way. The head flat
tens under the blows of the hammer,
or a punch may be used, which will give
it a conical head, lhe lead of the head
comes in contact with the sheet iron in
such a way as to lessen the chance of
leaking. Chicago Journal.
Mrs. Gadabout "Well, they say
woman is a conundrum, anyway. Mr.
G. "You are just about the easiest co
nundrum I ever did see." "I am?
Why?" "I never come home without
finding you out." Philaddphia Call.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL GARLAND.
The Ponderous Joke Which Colonel Dlckl
Colonel Dick Bright, of Indiana, bears!
off the honor of perpetrating the first;
joke at the expense of the new Attorney-!
General, himself an inveterate joker and
a hearty lover of good fun. While
Colonel Bright wasSergeant-at-Arms of
the Senate his personal relations with
Mr. Garland, then a member of that
body, were intimate and cordial. The
two gentlemen, indeed, became warm
friends, and have since remained so.
To-day Colonel Bright walked into the
Department of Justice and made his
way back into the Attorney-General's
private olliee. It was after office hours,
and in a few moments the Attorne
General made his appearance. The
day had been' a busy one, and Mr. Gar
land was very tireil. Into both of his
ears since early in the- morning had
been poured a ceaseless flood of praise
and appeal in the interests of men seek
ing office.
"Dick, old fellow," said the Attorney
General, advancing with his hand ex
tended and wearing a pleasant smile,
"I'm glad to see you." '
The two clasped hands and dropped
down on a sofa side by side. Mr. Gar
land had a pleasant chat in prospect,
and the hope of hearing a new story or
two.
"Mr. Attorney-General, you look fa
tigued," said Colonel Bright, sympathetic'-
"Dick, I am fatigued. I'm glad it's,
all over for the da-, and I'm glad you
are here. It's refreshing to talk to a
man on some other subject than oflice."
Mr. Garland took one of Colonel
Bright's hands and rubbed it down
with a gentle stroll. Colonel Bright,
all unobserved, smiled a very wicked
smile. He then straightened up and as
sumed a slightly embarrassed and se
rious expression of face.
"Senator." he said, dropping into the
old title, "I'm sorry to disappoint you;
but I am seeking oflice myself. I have
come in late to get an uninterrupted
audience."
Mr. Garland's face lengthened and a
small sigh escaped him. But he rallied
and sa'd in his old way:
"Well, I'm glad to see -ou, anyhow.
State your case, old fellow."
"We have always been good friends,
Senator," began Colonel Bright; "the
very best, I trust. I sefved you when I
could when in office."
"You did more than I ever asked you
to, and I can never forget it," gener
ously admitted Mr. Garland.
"Well, then, I ask a small return
now." replied Colonel Bright. "I
don't want any of these places here at
home, where there is such a scramble,
but I want to go abroad. If there is no
other applicant deemed worthier of the
place, I should like to be made In
spector of Pork at Jerusalem. I am
well indorsed for the place, as vou will
see," handing over some papers. "I
ask j our assistance to get it. I can im
agine no objection to me, unless it
should be urged that, being from a hog
raising country, I might become the.
creature of a pork ring and force only
one kind of meat on the Jerusalem mar
ket. My character, however, is good
enough, I trust to survive such an as-
Mr. Garland had mechanically taken
the Colonel's papers and heard him
through without once catching on. He
had actually begun to read the applica
tion, which'had been made out in due
form, before the light dawned upon
him. Then his lips began working,
and, the start once made, the corners
of his mouth ran away toward his ears,
and the Attorney General subsided in a
hearty roar of laughter. Colonel Bright
joined in, and the two friends again
shook hands.
"Dick," said Mr. Garland, rising and
walking off a few steps, "what will you
take to go over aud try your game on
Bayard? Do it; and you can com
mand me for the best dinner in Wash
ington." But Colonel Bright was afraid. He
felt that he didn't know the Secretary
well enough. He contented himself
with lunching with Mr. Garland at Mr.
Garland's expense on what he had al
ready accomplished. Washington Tele
gram. The Average Cost of Living.
How many persons have even a rough
idea of the average sum upon which by
far the larger part of the citizens of the
United Slates are fed, clothed and
housed? A recent statistician estimates
that eighty per cent, of the population
of this country is supported by from
forty-five to fifty cents per capita a day.
At the latter figure this makes 164.2a
as the average annual cost of living;
but, as by average we mean the balance
between extremes, there must be many
persons who have not even this sum to
live upon. That fifty cents a day is a
generous estimate will be admitted when
it is remembered that many mill opera
tives earn only from live to seven dollars
a week, and that the wages of farm
hands run from twenty to thirty dollars
a month, and that on these sums several
persons are often supported. When it
is remembered, too. that some other
human bcinrs have a yearly income
cnual to what is necessary for the sub
sistence of 500 or 1.000 of these "aver
age" mortals, the startling contrast be
tween the extremes of our modern so
ciety must be most evident. Philadel
phia Bulletin.
A Pin Piano.
Mr. E. M. Taber, the librettist of
"Desiree," was a clerk in the Pension
Oflice, and his desk was immediately
next to the wainscoting of the hall.
After he left his successor made a dis
covery, ltangea along tne woouen
wainscoting was a row of pins, tae low
est deeply imbedded in the wood, the
highest simply far enough indenteo to
keep it from falling dut. There was
such an evident purpose in this row of
pins that the attention of the chief of
the dms:on was called to it. Kunning
his linser-nail along the row. he found
that each pin represented a natural note
or a semi-tone. Jt took but a minute
more to play a tune upon this pin piano,
and, until the novelty - woro oT, Mr.
Taber's ingenious arrangement of pins
was a source of amusement to his form
er fellow-clerks. Washington rost.
SCHOOL AND CHURCH.
-To stab the people's Free School is
to pierce our country in ;the heart is
matricide W. 11. Vcnabte, in Intelli
gence. The cost of the maintenance of re
ligion in the United States! is estimated
at O ie-half cent per annum for each in
dividual. "It is doubtful," says the New
York Graphic, "if there are fifty men in
the United States who speak and write
the English tongue correctlyV' . It is
probable that every one of j these fifty or
less is teaching a foreign language in a
university. Chicaqo Current.
The annual meeting of the Ameri
can Tract Society was held at Washing
ton. D. C, recently. The reports showed
receipts of the year, Kj.)7,470; ex
penditures, $:M5,0&3; books, tracts and
periodicals circulated. 9,250,000; num
ber of colporteurs, 1GI, wjio made 1.35,
225 family visits. '
The nine leading denominations in
London provide sittings as follows:
Church of England, 677.G45; Congre
gationalists, 172,547; Baptists, 136,178;
Wesleyans, 1)6,140; Salvation Army,
35,180; Presbyterians, 32.221; Primitive
Methodists, 17,785: Methodist Free
Church, 17,100; Roman Catholic, 51,
190. The growth of the Free School in
popular favor has had a striking dem
onstration in Berlin. In 1883, 122.098
children received gratuitous instruction
as against 53,783 in 1872, while only
34.(346, or 22 in 100. children paid for
in.-truction in 1883, as against 33,995, or
39 in 1872. At the present time about
four-fifths ' of the Berlin children are.
educated at public expense.
In New York there are 489 churches,
chapels and missions, which have ac
commodations for 375,0 )) persons. The
396 Protestant places of worship can
accommodate 275,000. Of the 301.782
children in the city, 115,823 are in Sunday-schools,
while" 103,329 is the esti
mated attendance at the day schools,
public and private. The current ex
penses of the churcLes amount to about
$3,000,000 a year. .V. K Herald.
In a report to the Baptist General
Association Dr. Evans states that while
Pennsylvania had a population of about
4.500.60 ) only 5-KJ.OOJ are members of
Evangelical churches. There are eleven
counties with a population of 300,000
without a single Baptist Church and five
counties each having only a single
church of the B ipt'sst i denomination.
There is only about one Baptist to every
sixty-six or sixty-sevea of the popula
tion. A writer in the (ongregalionali-it
says tli at when some one asked Rev.
Dr. Meredith how he would deal with
Christians who refuse to join the church,
the eminent divine made this character
istic reply: -T would talk with them, 1
would not tell them thev could not go
to heaven unless they joined the church,
but that they had better do so. I think
I would talk to them in this way. If I
were going to Europe-1 jwould go down
to the Cunard wharf and take
passage with others on
a large vessel
such a voy-
made on puriose for
age. But if I were a fool I would take
an eighteen-foot dorv!"
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.
Speaking of names, one of the
"characters" of Providefnce, R., I. is an
aged negro of diiniunti re stature, whe
is happy in thepos-ession of the name of
Glorious Valorious George Washington
Peck Hamilton Stout.- .V. Y. Tribune.
Hugo Arnot one d:iy when pantin,
with asthma was almost deafened by
the noise of a brawling fellow who was
selling oysters below hi window. "The
extravagant rascal," said Hugo, "he has
wasted as much breath
i tirs-kiilil K i r a
served me for a monthl"
Astronomers tell ijn in their own
simple, intelligible wav that the grad
ual lengthening of the days is due to the
"obliquity of th ecliptic to the terres
trial horizon." This ought to set at
rest the foolish idea t
uit the days are
longer because the sun
rises earlier and
sets later. Chicago Tribune.
Little girl on a visit to St. Louis
"O, mamma. I th'nk this must be
heaven." "Do you, pej? Why. "Don't
you see, mamma, all the lad:es and gen
tlemen have wings, but they are on the
sides of the:r heads instead of on their
backs." "Hush, darling. Those are
not wings."
"You say, Mr. Simpklns, you want to
marry?" observed Miss De Silva. "Yaas,
I want to find the richest and prettiest
woman in the world,! who will marry
me for love. Can you tell me where to
find her? "Indeed, I can't," replied
the young lady. 'My acquaintance
with insane asylums is very slight."
Drake's Traveler's Magazine.
A 3'oung lady at home from boarding-school
for the holidays was asked if
she would have roast beef, when she re
plied: "No. I thank you; gastronomical
satiety admonishes me that I have ar
rived at the ultimate stage of deglutition
consistent with d'etctio integrity." The
young lady never was asked if she
would have anything over again.
Chicago Inter Ocean.
"Do you eat hash with a fork?"
asked the landlady of her new boarder.
"No, ma'am." ho responded, kindly.
"Ah. you eat it with a kii'fe.then?" with
sonic evidence of disapproval. "No,
ma'am," ho repeated, more timidly
than before. "Indeed. Pray, may I
ask how you do eat it?" "Yes, ma'am."
"How?" "With tear and trembling,
ma'am." He left the 'same day. Mer
chant Traveler.
Many men of many minds:
The man who writes. Riid writes in vexae.
Is seldom wortli a tinker's cur so.
The man wlio plays tlie violin,
Is always lazier than kin.
The man he thinks he known it all,
1 splays a initrhty sirht of wall.
The man who thinks himself the best.
Is he whom we should all detest,
lint he who pays the printer is
The noblest Itoman in the 'blz."-
Big SpringitTez.) Pantograph.
"Pa, does the sausage come out of
its liole on Candlemas day and look
around for its shadow so as to make an
early spring. Ma says it does." "What
are you t) Iking about?" said the papa
to the little bov. "It;is the ground hog
that comes out of its hole, not the
.... i. ... ' '
"Well, aii't sausage ground
d the little one went off on his
hogr anil
roller skates as thourh shot out of a
gun. leaving the old man to worry over
the incipient punster in an otherwise
respectable family. Peck's Sun.
IiflTect of a Brand-Xcw Job,
New York Commercial A.lv.rtUer.
They had a terrible time, out in Sau r ran
;iseo tho other day. The Post of that city
says: "Three men suddenly stood on their
heads, uttering frightful whrieks, at the cir
cus the other evening. The clown had actu
ally gotten off a Lraud-new joke, and the
unexpected occurrence had unseated their
reason. Old circus-goors rose from" their
seats and rushed about embracin j each other
with emotien. One white-headed old man
was carried out, exclaiming: 'I always said
it would happen soma day. Now I am will
ins to die!' Many of the audience spent the
night in the middle of the streets, fearing an
earthquake. "
JTIanazer of the ITnlted Press,
WALTER P. PHILLIPS.
Walter P. Phillips, general manager of
the United Press, was born at Grafton,
Worcester Co., June 14, 184G. lie became a
telegrapher in Providence, R. L, and con
tinued as an operator from 1801 1870,
winning in 18C7 recognitioa from Professor
Morse for the fastest time on record. In
1870 he went on the Providence Journal,
Senator Anthony's paper, as a reporter and
subsequently was managing editor for two
years of. the Providence Morning Herald.
He came to New York in 1873 as a reporter
of The Sun, thence gravitating to the Asso
ciated Press. In 1S78 he was appointed man
ager of its Washington bureau where be re
mained until 1832. He then took charge of
the United Press as general manager. He
is a considerable owner of the stock of thin
corporation. Under his management the
United Press has made remarkable progress,
and now ranks as one of the great news
gathering organizations of the world.
They DUturb the Poller.
Louisville Courier-Journal. )
The Washington Star thinks it "a littlo
curious that the polu-e always find it easier
to arrest soldiers of the Sulvation Army than
to arrest the officers and privates of the
great army of thieves, drunks and disorder
lies. " It is probably because the salvation
shouters are too loud. No policeman likoj
to have his sleep disturbed.
A Dlwtlnsulnbed German Scientist.
DR. R. KOCH.
Dr. R. Koch, the discoverer of the cholera
germ, is now 41 years of age. He was born
in the Ilartz mountains, and took his doc
tor's degree when 23 years of age, in 1800.
His first distinction was won'by the publica
tion of the results of his .quiet labor on mi
croscopic objects, especially of bacteria. By
the general public hiir discovery c idd not be
appreciated, but those who understood the
value of these researches in the prosecution
of the study of bacteria knew that with' it a
new era had dawned for science. During the
last; five years he has succeeded in identify
ing the germs of cattle disease, of consump
tion and of cholera, and now that the germ
of these disnns.s is discovered, the day can
not be far d Utant when the way to destroy
the germs will be known.
Ilorle In Daltlmore.
New York Tribune.
A clergyman named Hoyle was so indis
creet as to register his nams at one of the
Baltimore hotels. Within half an. hour
afterward no fewer than forty-nine anxious
inquirers sent up their cards to his room
begging to be informed if a flush royal
couldn't get away with four aces.
A Yfultliis Land Leaguer,
MR. T. 8EXTOX, If. P. .
Mr. Sexton, M. P., one of the ablest of
Mr. Parnell's lieutenants, who will attend
the convention of the Irish National League
which assembles in Chicago, was born in
1848. He has been a journalist, and on the
editorial staff of the Nation, a Dublin news
paper, since 18G9. An "advanced Liberal;"
in favor of "Home Rule for Ireland," also of
"creating a peasant proprietary," and of a
system of "elective county government."
The Land League in Parliament never had
so good an opportunity as in the coming
elections in Great Britain. It holds already
almost the balance of power between tbe
English parties. Mr. Sexton comes to ask
the League here to continue its generous sup
port in the way of funds.
A Sons In Season.
Tilsonbury Observer.
The cucumber sings to the watermelon,
while the green apple rolls around in glee:
'We are cramping to night on tho old
cramp ground."
A Chicago lawyer has written a poem en
titled "My Conscience." He must have a
powerful imagination, Boston Post "My
Conscience" is the title of an essay by a
Chicago lawyer. It should have a large cir
culation among the rubber trade.
( At